Pregame
7:32 - The first Derek Jeter "godliness" comment starts within 30 seconds of the broadcast, with a "the captain of clutch." Oh, I love Jeter. My list of heroes goes 1.) Jeter, 2.) Sully the Pilot and 3.) God.
7:34 - Ozzie Guillen is here. I'm not sure how this will work, since Ozzie seems like someone who wil slur without thinking, so this will be fun. He's also not quite speaking English.
7:36 - Ozzie Guillen says to "be careful with A-Rod" followed up with Erik Karros (who the fuck??) saying "be careful of Mark Teixeira becuase he has not been hot yet." So we have one guy giving us an comment so obvious that John Madden is blushing, and then a guy giving us a pointless comment he immediately contradicts..... THIS IS FOX!!!!
7:38 - Picks: Mark Grace says Yankees in 6. Karros agrees with him after first rubbing his dick. Finally some balls, of course shown by Ozzie "big testes" Guillen, who picks the Phillies in 6. Ozzie may have an IQ of 37, but he is a baseball savant, so bad news Yankee fans.
7:42 - The obligatory Michael J. Fox parkinsons ad. This is an awful thing to say, but if I were Michael J. Fox I would fucking move all over the place in these ads, becuase he is not moving enough to get me to think Parkinsons is that bad.
7:43 - The Empire theme from Star Wars accompanies the Phillies. God, can the Yankee fans even muster up enough passion to boo the Phillies. Also, why is Ben Francisco playing? In related news, who is Ben Francisco?
7:45 - The Yankees are introduced with the 10th most relevan Star Wars music. This is the music that is usually played in the lulls in the middle of the movie, when nothing goes on. Who is picking this music? Hedeki Matsui? Thankfully, they start playing the actual hero theme from Star Wars. Of course, this music is drowning out the already inaudible cheers for the Yankees.
7:48 - Kenny Thomas is our anthem singer. Really? Kenny Thomas? These are the Yankees, their grass is Gold Shavings painted green. They could not get a real singer. They get an "English Soul Singer." I would have preferred Kenny Rogers. I would prefered the NBA Kenny Thomas singing.
7:52 - Just to get the image of that homeless man singing the anthem, I watched Jordin Sparks's Super Bowl XLII anthem. Now that was an anthem. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tGQfHIfSWK0&feature=PlayList&p=2ECA994C26A4568B&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=3
7:53 - Michelle Obama, Jill Biden (why do I find it funny that her name is "Jill Biden"), Army Captian Tony (a real hero), and Yogi Berra are throwing out the first pitch. His pitch is 20x better than most people's. Who thought of the first and second ladies? Where did that come from? I'll say this, George Bush was a fool, but he had the decency to not send out his better (much, much better) half out there. He came out and threw a perfect strike. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=631knZM9Uiw That was Bush's best moment.
7:59 - Best anthem ever: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z1QmeEdFOSc&feature=PlayList&p=9A5926CA07D194A1&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=9 Super Bowl XXV.
Game On
8:00 - The opening pitch of the World Series is brought to you by Budweiser. No, I'm not shitting you. Rollins' bunts out on the first pitch. What a pussy play!! Bad start for the Phils.
8:02 - McCarver calls Sabathia "a totally different pitcher than he was a year ago." If by "different" he means "worse and fatter" then yes, he is. Shane Victorino pops out. And now we get the "Home Depot" Tools to victory.
8:06 - We get the first "catcher's crotch" inset as Sabathia follows that up with a walk of Utley, which will bring Howard to the plate. Howard is having an A-Rod like postseason, but no one gives a crap, because unlike A-Rod, Howard has actaully performed in previosu postseason. Howard doubles, and Utley is at 3rd. It took all of 2/3 of an inning for Yankee fans to be more scared of the Phillies than the 97 win Angels.
8:09 - Jayson Werth is apparently not known, yet he was an all-star. So far, Joe Buck is actually making more stupid comments than McCarver, this could be history in the making. Bases are now loaded, and Sabathia is astonished that people actually might decide to take pitches, unlike the Angels. By the way, thanks for that Ana - fucking - heim.
8:12 - Count now 3-1. McCarver, who predicted very confidently that Sabathia will throw a fastball, is proven wrong. Ibanez grounds out with the bases loaded. He seems to be another poon. Missed opportunity, but Sabathia seems off his game; maybe he just needs to eat a hot dog, like Sanchez.
8:14 - Free Black Taco from T-Bell from 6 to midnight on Halloween. Really, if you actually take advantage of this, you are either a cheap bastard, or need to go out and get a life, and stop frequenting fastfood establishments on Halloween.
8:16 - Cliff Lee has been dominant, absolutely Beckett-esque this postseason. If I am an Indians fan, I would give up all hope of ever being good just from this game. Here we have two pitchers who won back-to-back Cy Youngs for Cleveland who are gone for what will be a barrell of bats and balls (maybe some of Matsui's porn in Sabathia's case).
8:18 - Lee avoids God's lightning bolt and strikes out Jeter in three pitches. He looks like the opposite of Sabathia, in that he is pitching well and also in that he is not black and weighs the equivalent of 3 hippos. Damon bunts out. What is with all this bunting? These are the Yankees, Hank Steinbrenner is probably having uncontrollable fits of anger when one of his mercenaries bunts.
8:21 - Teixeira strikes out. I think the Yankees picked the wrong Indian. Lee is better, and only about 100 million cheaper.
8:23 - I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say "The Fourth Kind" will bomb. I don't even this one will count as going out on a limb, but that Wanda Sykes show will also bomb, alot. Sabathia continues to not find the strike zone. I think CC ate it.
8:26 - Buck says that "Sabathia does not worry about much." Clearly not his weight. Also, clearly not the sad bottom of this Phillies line-up. He easily gets out of the inning, and A-Rod is about to get his first World Series at-bat.
8:29 - In the Mac ad where they replay Jon Hodgeman saying that the current operating system will not have the problems the previous one did, why does Justing Long not appear to get younger, when Hodgeman does? Is Long a robot, is he impervious to aging?
8:33 - Just as Buck finishes his homage to A-Rod being a changed man in the postseason, Lee throws acid on that theory, as he strikes out A-Rod swinging. Posada gets a hit, and Lee finally looks human.
8:35 - Porn-Dog (Matsui) is up. I'm pretty sure all the Yankees will want him resigned so they get to continued use of the stash. Matsui strikes out (becoming a theme) and is now delighted as he can get some quiet time with Lil' Matsui down in the clubhouse. Cano flies out. Yankee fans evidently have shitty eyesight, as they get totally apeshit over a routine fly ball.
8:38 - DJ Hero is a game???? What is next, Orchestra Conductor Hero. What does a DJ do? Spin shit and what else?? We are going to kill society off with these games.
8:40 - I can watch the "Shankapotamus" E*Trade ad a million times, and it will be as funny on the a-millionth-and-first time. Jay-Z and Alicia Keys are singing tomorrow at Yankee Stadium. They were supposed to go today, but the rain cancelled that, so I guess that explains Homeless Guy #3 from Central Park singing the anthem.
8:42 - McCarver tells us that Sabathia and Rollins "grew up 35 miles apart." That's not that close. I guarantee you that I know absolutely no one that grew up 35 miles away from me. No one.
8:44 - Here is some actual baseball analysis. The Phillies are making Sabathia work, and are getting good swings on his balls. This could get interesting.
8:45 - McCarver says that this is "the Amtrak Series." Is he serious?? Amtrak goes everywhere. If the Yankees played the Dodgers, you could get to LA by Amtrak.
8:48 - There is an ad board saying that "24 returns January." Honestly, I think even Keifer Sutherland is bored at this point. There's only so many President's that can die, and other people for him to kill. Utley is fouling tons of pitches off, which is great becuase it is making CC throw alot.
8:50 - UTLEY HOMERS 1-0 PHILLIES
8:51 - Yankee Stadium, which has the sound of a Funeral Home at the best of times, is absolutely stunned. Yes, Yankee fans, other teams can hit the ball too.
8:53 - A sony ad featuring Peyton Manning, Justin Timberlake and Erin Andrews? Now that is an interesting group of characters. In other news, Blackberry is releasing a Blackberry Storm 2 already. Come on, there are millions that have not been suckered into buying the Blackberry Storm 1 (or 1 version 2.0) yet.
8:57 - Mastercard is donating 1,000 dollars to standup2cancer for every home run. Mastercard is probably worth billions. Isn't cancer enough of a cause to get at least 10 or 20 thousand? Swisher and Cabrera surprisingly get out, andby surprisingly I mean "so unsurprising, it hurts."
8:59 - St. Derek doubles. Which allows Johnny Damon do bat with a runer on, which is as good an idea that it rivals only "signing an obese guy to a 8 year deal" in the bad Yankee Ideas hall-of-fame.
9:02 - Honestly, for these Coors Light coach interview ads, I think using anybody would be better than Romeo Crennel. Why not use Ozzie Guillen? "Coach, coach, my can is blue, what do you think that means?" Guillen: "that means it is a faggot." That would be a wonderful ad.
9:04 - DirectTV "No one has all your favorite channels in HD". In fact, Comcast has all my favorite channels in HD. Unless I am the odd soul whose favorite channel is cartoon network, I think I will take my chances with Comcast and its 42 HD channels.
9:05 - The celebrities in the crowd: Alec Baldwin, Rudy Guliani (who is wearing the same WS hat since 2001), Kate Hudson, Kurt Russell and Jeff Gordon. I really don't know what to say.
9:09 - Sabathia has sprung to life after the home run. Sadly, it took him until he had thrown 60 pitches in 2 and 2/3 innings for him to realize that yes, in fact this is the World Series and he might bother showing up.
9:10 - Taking a break to cook up some Asian Noodles. Mmmmmm..... Raman!!!
9:17 - Lee strikes out Teixeira and Rodriguez back to back again. So, Teixeira and A-Rod, a combined 455 million dollars of contract, have come up to the plate four times, and struck out four times. I guess 455 million doesn't get what it used to.
9:19 - Cliff Lee strikes out the side, and has 7 k's through 4 innings. Is this Randy Johnson circa 2001 using Polyjuice Potion (Yeah, I love me some polyjuice potion references)?
9:21 - TD Bank may in fact be the most convenient bank, but I have yet to see a singular branch of the TD Bank. I guess that is their plan. No one can test their convenience theory, becuase they don't actually exist. Smart-asses, those TD Bank fellas.
9:24 - It looks like it is pouring in the Bronx. Weird, since it is not raining a bit here in lower Manhattan. And, we are not even 35 miles away from each other.
9:25 - Cliff Lee apparently thinks of CC as his best friend in baseball. I think he is only saying that, becuase if not CC would eat him. I see through Cliff Lee's games.
9:28 - I like the premise of "The Box" where Cameron Diaz can push a button and get a million dollars, but someone dies. I give it three months until this is a game show on NBC called "Pushing the Limits." (I know, that title is brilliant).
9:29 - Dunkin Donuts tells us to hurry up and get their fall flavors becuase they won't be here forever. I may be wrong, but I really don't think I am, but I may be but I'm pretty sure they will be here forever, as long as Fall continues to be a season.
9:31 - Buck: "The pace of Cliff Lee drips with confidence." Uh, Joe, I don't think adjectives can drip with things. Two really questionable ball calls (they were both strikes if CC was pitching) lead to a single by the Porn-Dog.
9:36 - The umpires have a chance to redeem themselves here, as it should be a double play for the Phillies as Rollins caught a ball in the air, and Porn-Dog was wandering randomly. The umps got the call right, and these umps should be immediately enshrined in the hall of fame for making that call correctly.
9:38 - Lee is absolutely cruising against this lineup whose total salaries could feed the country of Sierra Leone for the next four decades, and the Steinbrenners are considering trading for Lee before Game 5.
9:42 - Sabathia has reverted to his wild ways here in the 6th, starting with three straight balls to Victorino. Victorino pops out again, and this is getting to be a rather boring well-pitched game.
9:44 - Utley rips one just foul. McCarver just said how great a two-strike hitter he is, and McCarver is finally sounding like he is smart. He sounds like a fucking Einstein now.
9:45 - UTLEY HOMERS AGAIN 2-0 PHILLIES
9:46 - I'm gonna say it, and I know people will crucify for such an outlandish thing to say, but I think the Phillies are not scared of the big-bad Yankees and the "mystique and aura" of Yankee stadium. In fact, I think the Yankees forgot to bring mystique and aura across the street to the new digs.
9:51 - Werth hits a seeing-eye single, and Sabathia is about to throw his 100th pitch. I'm gonna say that this was one of the most dissapointing performances that yielded just 2 runs by a pitcher ever.
9:54 - Can Geico just bring back the fucking cave men please?? Also, is "The Men Who Stare at Goats" just about men who stare at goats, because if so, that is absolutely brilliant. Either way, best movie title since "Snakes on a Plane."
9:57 - Cabrera pops out, and we have had only one hard hit ball by a Yankee tonight, and that was Jeter's double. I make fun of Jeter, but he seems to be the only one who got the memo that, despite them being the Yankees, they actually have to play to win the World Series.
10:00 - Damon is 2-24 against Cliff Lee. Jerry Hairston is 1-6 with a home run against Lee. I think I am much, much smarter than Joe Girardi. But then again, I think the mold growing in our trash can is.
10:03 - Damon pops out (shock), and Lee literally yawns while grabbing the ball. I think he is locked in. Now comes the 455 million combo. Tex grounds out. This is immense fun watching the Yankees hitters suddenly turning into a more expensive version of the Mets.
10:06 - If Mike Bloomberg really did stuff for the middle class, like his ad says over and over, than I think he should have not allowed taxpayers to pay 900 million dollars for a stadium that looks exactly like the old Yankee Stadium. Honestly, what a fucking waste of money. Instead of building the new stadium, they should have paid for AC in Rubin Hall.
10:09 - Sabathia, on his 110th pitch, walks Ben Francisco. Francisco has a stunned look on his face, probably because this is the first time he has ever been walked. Pedro Feliz hits a double play. It's a bit ironic that Pedro Feliz is slow, I won't way why.
10:12 - And now comes God Bless America, better known as the Yankees crook way of freezing out pitchers in the name of fake Patriotism. If the Yankees were Patriotic, they would have not picked a British guy to sing the anthem. Also, fueling the fire of the my conspiracy theory is that this is by far the longest version of God Bless America ever. I think she made up that opening verse.
10:15 - A brilliant WalMart moment with a contrived family making up an even more contrived story. This ad is then followed by a Beatles song. Talk about one end of the spectrum to the other.
10:17 - A-Roid comes up. A-Roid grounds out. A-Roid is 0-3. Looks like he forgot that the World Series is part of the postseason as well. Phil Hughes is warming up, and gets the treat of facing the top of the order. That should be fun.
10:20 - McCarver tells a joke and makes himself and no one else laugh. I feel bad for him, but in a strange way connected to him, since I too try to tell jokes and make myself and no one else laugh. Tim, I feel for you. Posada grounds out.
10:22 - Porn-Dog grounds out (related note: CC Sabathia goes into the clubhouse to take a sneak into Matsui's best vids (Boner-Jams '03 - a bunch of clips Hedeki was into in the Summer of '03)). TheYankees have now been shut out for 16 straight World Series, dating back to Beckett's shutout in Game 6 in 2003.
10:26 - Rollins hits a bomb just foul. This is a key inning. They need a insurance run (or like five insurance runs) becuase we all know Lidge cannot be trusted. Phil Hughes has a classic "Holy Fuck, this is the world series" face. Hughes walks J-Roll with two pitches that were closer to Row 3 than they were to home plate.
10:29 - Hughes is annoyingly throwing over to first base on Rollins. There is a better chance of Yankee Stadium spontaneously taking off and flying to the moon then Hughes picking Rollins off. Hughes goes to 3-0. He is wasting all his strikes on his pick off throws. Rollins steals second. Great job trying to hold him to first Phil Hughes.
10:33 - Hughes walks Shane Victorino. Girardi tries to go cute going lefty-lefty with Damaso Marte. There are two things wrong with this: 1.) Utley has two home runs against the best lefty the Yankees have in CC and 2.) Damaso Marte sucks balls. Yankee Stadium appropriately boo.
10:36 - Is Damaso Marte holding Phil Coke hostage, or does he have pictures of Girardi fucking a melon, becuase if not, there is no reason for him to be pitching.
10:39 - Damaso Marte is somehow getting out of this jam. Good job, Damaso, you won't be killed tonight be a deranged Yankee fan.
10:43 - David Robertson in. Robertson was the center of scrutiny when Girardi took him out to let Aceves pitch in Game 3 of the ALCS. When fans are mad that you are taking David Robertson out, I think you may need to rethink the strength of your bullpen. Robertson promptly walks Werth in 4 pitches. I think Damaso Marte could have easily done the same.
10:47 - IBANEZ SINGLES 4-0 PHILLIES
10:48 - The New York media is going to hammer Girardi for not bringing in a lefty for Robertson when Ibanez came in. If Girardi is lucky, his lifeless team will continue to get shut out for two more innings just so this inning does not matter in the end.
10:52 - Lee comes out for the 8th, and I really hope he pitches a complete game. Great defensive play by Lee. Another reason why the Yankees should have picked Lee instead of Sabathia. No way Sabathia makes that play, unless the ball gets stuck on his gelatinous fat.
10:56 - Cliff Lee is now through 8. He is absolutely shutting down the Yankees and shutting up this crowd. I really hope he goes out there for the complete game.
10:59 - Here's an interesting tidbit, the Michelin Man is just CC Sabathia painted white and wearing a mask. Also, can you believe this, someone is trying to assassinate someone on 24. There is a shocker for you. I guess my opening episode idea of "Jack Bauer kills eight chinamen by himself" was overlooked.
11:00 - Brian Bruney is, which is always cause to celebrate with a brew. Ruiz hits a double, and it is sad when Carlos Ruiz has hit a ball harder than any Yankee.
11:05 - Jimmy Rollins hits a ball that just dies on the grass in front of A-Roid, which is ironic because Alex Rodrigeuz's postseason of glory just died as well.
11:07 - VICTORINO SINGLES 5-0 PHILLIES
11:07 - They just made the end of this game mighty anticlimatic and also mighty entertaining for a Yankee hater. Side note, the winner of game 1 has won the World Series every year since 2002.
11:13 -Phil Coke now goes 3-1 on Utley. This is not looking good for the Yanees. You know what else does not look good? The thousands of empty seats in Yankee Stadium.
11:16 - HOWARD DOUBLES 6-0 PHILLIES
11:16 - Ryan Howard is fucking the SI Cover Jinx in the ass right now. This is fun.
11:19 - Cliff Lee is out there to finish what he started, against the top of the order no less. For a team whose combined payroll rivals only Rush Limbaugh's salary, this is embarrasing.
11:21 - Joe Buck is now so bored he is rambling about Cliff Lee's kids Jackson and Macy. Good Lord, Buck. Can't you just make up some Pujols story to orgasm about instead. Jeter continues to be the only Yankee to show up as he singles.
11:22 - Johnny Damon is now 4-26 lifetime against Cliff Lee. I really hope they let Lee finish this. He is not blowing a 6 run lead. Suddenly, Girardi's ass managing is a problem now, as this would be a much more nerve racking ninth inning.
11:24 - JETER SCORES ON ROLLINS' ERROR 6-1 PHILLIES
11:24 - The Yankees went 17 and 1/3 innings without scoring a run, so the Yankees finally get off the schnied. Rollins idiotic attempt at a double play takes away the shutout. A-Rod now up. I hope this does not absolve Teixeira's shitty night. A-Roid quickly to 0-2 against Lee.
11:26 - This is why I would not make a good proffesional athlete, other than my lack of ability. I would be furious if my teammate's bonehead error just cost me a shutout. I would seriously kill him in my mind.
11:26 - A-Roid strikes out again. I am sooooooo happy the old A-Roid is back. I've missed you buddy.
11:28 - Jorge Posada strikes out. Lee goes the distance giving up 6 hits and striking out 10, and coming within one horrible throw by Rollins from getting a complete game shutout. The boy is special. Yankee Stadium is eerily silent, and I am pumped up, I just took a victory lap around my dorm.
That was an interesting game 1. Lee was brilliant, Sabathia was fat, Girardi did his usual questionable managing job, Damaso Marte actually performed well, Chase Utley was nearly killed by Hal Steinbrenner's hitman, and Pedro is pitching in Yankee stadium tomorrow.
I would do this again, but instead I will visit a local establishment and cheer against the Yankees in the hear of NYC. Wish me luck.
