This was an interesting week to say the least. Some games were complete trainwrecks, some were good, and there was one that felt like it was being played in 1913. Let's go:
Minnesota 38 @ St. Louis 10 (I picked MIN (-10) : 1-0)
I liked the old Rams uniforms. I never understand why teams change their uniforms right after winning super bowls. I only know of once instance of this, being St. Louis, but that's enough to make it a stupid idea. Plus, they looked like a Pop Warner team in those unis, with what looks like taped-on stripes. What was excellent was that the Rams are a Pop Warner team. Holy God, Kyle Boller! I'm running out if sublatives (the opposite of superlatives) to describe his inability to play quarterback. At least Steven Jackson put up an adequate game for my fantasy team. As for the Vikes, I hope to god Brett Favre gets no credit for beating this team. The Rams are the worst team in the NFL. If they did not cover that line (10) they should have just forfeited. Adrian Peterson had a sub-par game, by his standards, but Jared Allen continues to be a monster. All-in-all this, amazingly was only the fourth biggest blowout of the day, so Hooray Rams; there were three teams worse than you!!
Dallas 26 @ Kansas City 20 (KC (+8) : 2-0)
I nearly got the score perfectly, but honestly, I wish I got it totally wrong and KC won this game. This is for the sole reason of had Kansas City won this game, Wade Philips would probably have had an "accident" involving a plane and a door on the ride home, and Tony Romo would probably the bigger failure in the Jessica/Tony split. Carrie Underwood must be thanking her stars about this Romo thing, becuase I give Romo three more years max as a starter. Kansas City probably should have won, but sadly every member of that team somehow forgot how to tackle. Matt Cassel was under pressure all day. I can just imagine him screaming after every snap, "Holy Shit, can these fat fuckers block at all...... Mercy, Demarcus, mercy." Kansas City did look to have a pulse, but that just maybe a result of playing a wildly overrated team, with a lame-ostrich (bigger than duck) coach and a quarterback whose career path is strikingly similar to that of his fat ex-beau.
Washington 17 @ Carolina 20 (CAR (-4) : 2-1)
Somehow, the team that had arguably the best running attack was stuffed on a goal-line stand that kept me from getting this game right. Thanks alot DeAngelo. Jake Delhomme is doing his best Mark Brunell impression, which against the now worst 2-3 team of all time, is enough. To think that this was a 17-2 game. I honestly think that Jim Zorn would fare better at QB than Jason Campbell. Just a hunch: supposedly "athletic" QB's from the SEC in recent years (Campbell, Russell, Tebow (yeah, that's right, Fuck You Tim Tebow)) are failures. Not much to say about this game. Neither team is any good. Whatever belief I had in Carolina being mediocre is gone after that debaccle of a win. Whatever belief I had in Washington being absolutely horrendous was backed up in spades.
Tampa Bay 14 @ Philadelphia 38 (PHI (-15) : 3-1)
That was a gigantic line, but this is the NFL 2009, where when you play this cadre of teams (TB, CLE, WAS, KC, OAK, STL) and you are good (so that excludes Dallas and Buffalo), you will get a super-high line and you will cover. Philly is good for 2-3 of these blowouts at home a year. They've had their two. In-fact this is the time of the year when Philly will become totally schizophrenic and lose winnable games, so there's that to look forward too. Donovan McNabb was great, as was the rookie Jeremy Maclin (I now will go cry into my Heyward-Bey jersey). Tampa Bay actually looked average on offense, as Josh #1 looks to be competent at best, and 100% better than JaMarcus at worst. Also, came 5 points for Philly from a perfect guess.
Oakland 7 @ New York (n) 44 (NYG (-15) : 4-1)
My thoery about good teams covering high lines is on fire. This is the second straight year that the Giants ass-raped a west coast team in week 5 (last year 44-6 over Seattle). JaMarcus actually completed over 50% of his passes, yet he fumbled three times. I've given up on him. I just want him to start every game so this team goes like 3-13, which in this year will give them like the 8th pick, and then they can draft a quarterback. I would honestly sign David Carr to play over J-Russ tomorrow. I'll say this for Russell though, he has awful receivers and a bad o-line. I'll also say this for him, give him Jerry Rice and Randy Moss and the Wild Hogs as o-lineman, and the guy will still suck to a level only matched by one Ryan "I like to party with Meth users"Leaf. There's really nothing to say about the Giants. They are good, and good teams should kill bad teams, and they did.
Cleveland 6 @ Buffalo 3 (BUF (-6) : 4-2)
This game was a mirror image of the Penn-Princeton game played in 1920. Down to the teams not knowing what a forward pass is, where a QB can go 2-17 and win. I have nothing to say, absolutely nothing. This game was awful, and anybody who had to watch this probably gouged out their eyes by the second-quarter.
Cincinnatti 17 @ Baltimore 14 (CIN (+8.5) : 5-2)
I think it is time to start believing in Cincinnatti, who is one miracle catch away from 5-0, and stop believing the Steroid-induced hype coming out of Baltimore. It was nice to see Ed Reed back to his pick-six ways, but other than that play, the Ravens coninued their drastic fall from being a good pass-defense. Palmer shredded them deep. Cincinnatti is legit. I still feel as though Pittsburgh will win that division, but Cincinnatti is a legit contender, and they are winning close games. That offense will start to click, and when they do look out. Baltimore, on the other hand, has problems. They have to stop questioning the refs. All those calls on the last drive were legit. They have to start blaming themselves. They are a good team, but they are dangerously close to entering the "We are overhyped and beat bad teams but choke up and lose to good teams" zone that currently holds what is rest of that San Diego team. Cincinnatti has now beaten Denver (I don't care what Brandon Stokley may say), Green Bay in Lambeau, Pittsburgh and Baltimore. I'm more on board than ever.
Pittsburgh 28 @ Detroit 20 (PIT (-10.5) : 5-3)
I got this one wrong. I though Pittsburgh would blow them out, and I'm not quite sure I was wrong. It seemed like Pittsburgh dominated this game, and every time I looked, they had the ball and winging it all over, and/or sacking the corpse of Daunte Cullpepper (Look, a LaMarr Woodley sighting.... hey LaMarr welcome, please stay for longer than this game). Not sure how this game was close in any way, but for that I'll credit the Lions. They are competitive in these games, and actually giving their fans something to cheer about, although I liked those fans better when their hot ones got drunk and tried punching other ones.
Atlanta 45 @ San Francisco 10 (ATL (+2.5) : 6-3)
This was a stunner. I thought Atlanta would win, but this was amazing. Maybe San Francisco wasn't that good after all, and maybe the Gore injury hurts more than I thought, or maybe Mike Singletary needs to drop his pants again. Anything to stimulate what looked like the same dead niner team of the past six years. Even the Raiders don't lose by 35 at home (they only lose by 20). That lack of tackling was sad on the Roddy White TD. Matt Ryan looked very, very good. However, I have no idea what to make of this team in the future. I know what to think of San Francisco, they are overrated as hell, and that division is now wide, wide open.
New England 17 @ Denver 20 (NE (-3) : 6-4)
I can never be happier with getting a pick wrong. Denver is for real, and New England is the same New England team from 2005-06. They are average, but they don't make many mistakes. If you play well, like Denver did, you can beat them. Denver is starting to scare me. That team is jacked up. Defense is a very fluid thing, but as long as they feel slighted, and play with that passion, it will take them places. I am so happy Bill Belichick got beaten by his pupil. Bill Belichick should be happy too, as finally there may be some pupil of his who is at least half-way decent (I mean you can't do worse than the Crennell-Weis-Mangini trio). Randy Moss seems a bit slower. I think he needs to start slapping cops and other females again, you know, to revert back to old times. On the other side, Brandon Marshall is a beast. What is also interesting about him is he seems like a very classy individual from his voice, but he is also known to get into altercations involving McDonald's bags and TVs, so God knows what's going on there. All I know is that Mike Nolan better start getting that resume ready (just leave out the part where you coached San Fran, Mike)
Houston 21 @ Arizona 28 (HOU (+5.5) : 6-5)
I cannot believe Arizona covered this line. They were Raider-awful in the second half. They barely moved the ball, could not stop the Schaub express (who continues to be the quintessential example of the great fantasy/bad actual QB conundrum). They god bailed out by Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie, who finally made a play. I have always wondered if he would even be a starter had his name just been Dominique Rodgers. Either way, that is a really overrated family. This is the second straight game where Houston was stopped at the goal-line. I really think, that after the last two weeks Andre Johnson should be the goal-line back. After his man-beast TD that tied the game, he is easily the strongest runner with the ball on the team. I have decided that anybody named Chris Brown, whether it be the slapper or the shit-awful goal line back, is a complete failure.
Jacksonville 0 @ Seattle 41 (SEA (-1) : 7-5)
Ohhh, Myyy Goooooooooooodd!!!!!! Jackosonville is the most pathetic team ever. This team has done the following in the past four weeks: lost at home to Arizona, and they were trailing 31-3, won two legit games, and then go to Seattle and drop the biggest duece in maybe multiple years. I mean, the Matthew is good, but lord, not that good. That was scary. MoJo, who is the only person that makes Jacksonville relevant, was held to 34 yards. Seattle put up more points than that. Jacksonville honestly should be barred from this league, as they have no respect for themselves. They have the ability, as they showed the two weeks before, to win games but then they do this.
Indianapolis 31 @ Tennessee 9 (IND (-4) : 8-5)
I got the Indy score right, but gave Tennessee two extra touchdowns. This was another game that was probably not even as close as that score showed. Tennessee actually played good in the first half, but was ruined by those two pass interference penalties (which were legit). I think Peyton Manning has a game going on with himself to see how little time he needs to do a two minute drill. He's made it less and less each week, as this week he got it down to 93 yards in 43 seconds. There's nothing I can say about him to do it justice. Tennessee I think is still miles better than most teams that are even 2-3, and will probably end around 5-11 or 7-9, but they have problems. Good win by the Colts. I have to adress something that Collinsworth said. He said that "Peyton has to win at least one more championship to join the Bradshaw/Montana/Favre/Marino group." Lets break this down. Bradshaw is a stiff. He had a historically great team, and that is why he won titles. Manning is already leaps and bounds by him. Favre too only won 1 super bowl, and Manning, considering his age, is far and away better than Favre as well. Sure, Peyton is lacking in the all-encompassing statistic: Ability to make Sportscasters Orgasm on the Spot, but still he's better. Marino never won even one super bowl, let alone two. Collinsworth can go on keep sucking Tom Brady's dick, and Manning and the Colts will keep on rolling teams.
