Coming here live from Room 1408 for Game 5. Since this is probably going to be the last game for another 6 days, and the end of Nick Adenhart memorial title run, I thought it would be good to running diary it. By the way, I plan to do this for the Jets-Raiders game (to chronicle the JaMarcus/Sanchize double clusterfuck) but I also have a midterm to study for. Let’s see which takes preference.
8:16 – I decided to step out for a quick Subway. Thankfully, the Angels have already decided to bring the hammer to AJ Burnett. Four runs, no outs, four hits. Where the fuck was this team in Games 1-4?
8:17 – Quick Subway note. The local Subway (8th st. between University and Broadway) has a “Health Note: Alcohol is dangerous to pregnant women” sign. This Subway has a liquor license (why else would they have that sign). What a baller Subway! I knew Jose was drowsy when he made that sub.
8:18 – Already our first shitty call of the night. Laz Diaz (what a great name) says he did not swing. He absolutely did, but I guess check swing is like a 1 on the “Bad Call scale” (10 would be the ump tearing off a Yankee jersey and calling a pitchout strike 3)
8:23 – Evidently, Morgan Freeman has gone insane. He is doing iparticipate.org adds. I assume that company is holding his kids hostage.
8:25 – John Lackey, or as anyone with half a brain (or a microphone) a “bulldog”, is 6’6” 245 lbs. This guy, I’m guessing, was a football player.
8:27 – Tim McCarver just called Lackey’s curveball “convinced.” I’m guessing that is a good thing. Either way I too am “convinced”… that Tim McCarver should be mute.
8:31 – First Budweiser ad. Do you think that Budweiser is mad that they got tied into baseball, when the beer is more “convinced” than Coors, which got the NFL “official beer” sponsorship.
8:33 – Jeff Mathis, a lifetime .200 hitter, gets another hit. I feel like these guys intentionally play awful just so they can get pitches to hit when, and then they screw the Yankees. Erick Aybar’s double-play sadly puts to rest my theory.
8:36 – The guy who designed this Traveller’s ad with flying umbrellas must’ve come up with the idea when he was hallucinating on some powerful shrooms. I mean really, flying little umbrellas?
8:40 – Don’t know about you, but I sincerely want Johnny Damon to sign for any other team, just so he can bring back the Jesus beard. Un-Jesus-ed Damon grounds out, and another missed call. This one was not really all that bad, but still. Another thing for Johnny to consider, if he looked like Jesus, I’m pretty sure he gets that call. I mean, how can the umps not favor Jesus?
8:43 – Just saw the Chris Farley/David Spade DirectTV ad. One question: do you think Chris Farley just decided on returning to cocaine after seeing that he is now being featured in DirectTV ads with Heather Locklear’s sock puppet?
8:44 – Wait a minute! FOX just unleashed the Coors Light freeze cam!! Coors, I don’t think you are playing by the rules. First you have the NFL, and now you are the sponsor of the Freeze Cam. Coors, listen, pick a fucking sport, and stick to it.
8:47 – Why is Fox putting a screen in-set showing the catcher’s signs? Jose Molina, however attractive he may be, is not worthy of a close-up of his crotch.
8:50 – “There are jumps, and then there are jumps and that was a jump (or maybe a jump)” Tim McCarver. Thanks for that nugget.
8:51 – Wild Pitch by Burnett that Molina lets go away. There was loads of controversy when the Yanks decided to make Molina Burnett’s personal catcher. I don’t think it is going all too well. Money on Jorge Posada being so mad he’s going to paint his nails black for Saturday’s game.
8:55 – Here comes the “Droid” ad. All I know from this ad is that an iPod (or iPhone – since no one but me seems to only have an iPod) doesn’t do a lot of shit. Congrats, Droid, congrats.
8:58 – Why does Mark Teixeira look so angry. Is it because he lost his Prince Williams look-a-like competition last week. That’s why I’m angry at him, because I had money on it. How could Tex lose?
9:02 – Hedeki Matsui is up. He is infamous for his huge porn collection (I assume that means Asian, but I hope not, for his sake), and for announcing his wife in a press conference, and the only proof we have that the “wife” exists is a pencil drawing of her. I shit you not.
9:05 – My new theory about the catcher signs inset: It is a subliminal way to get women interested. I mean, the picture of a guy putting his hands in close proximity to his dick has got to be kind of stimulating to women, right. I’ll even admit, when the catcher was Joe Mauer, I may have even been aroused.
9:10 – Tim McCarver makes a slightly humorous quip about the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders and slidesteps. Just because its Tim McCarver, I think that is grounds for a public indecency charge. In unrelated news, Jeff Mathis continues to perfect his Ty Cobb impression (without the open racism, I hope).
9:13 – Fox is starting a latenight Saturday program run headlined by Wanda Sykes?? Can there be anything more inevitable to fail? Can I get odds for that not lasting five weeks??
9:16 – Dr. Oz tells us to eat more whole-grain bread to lower risk of heart disease. You know what else may lower heart disease? Taking a jog instead of sitting on your couch eating Ben ‘n’ Jerry’s watching Dr. Oz.
9:19 – There goes the Jose Molina experiment. I’m guessing that the next time AJ Burnett inquires about making Molina his personal catcher, Joe Girardi will slap him.
9:21 – The “Catcher-signs-inset-make-a-woman-orgasm-atron” is sponsored by Blackberry. Seriously, it is. In other news, John Lackey gets his 6th strikeout of the game, getting Posada looking. That guy is on fire right now. Here comes the “bulldog” Lackey vs. the “Messiah” St. Derek matchup.
9:25 – Lackey strikes out the side, by striking out Jeter. God may smite him by shooting down a lightning bolt (God in this case is Zeus) at his face for striking out his servent Derek Jeter, but Lackey is a “bulldog” with a “convinced” curveball, so he doesn’t care.
9:27 – Now it’s a Corona Light ad. Damn, the MLB is having a beer orgy. Budweiser is getting the solid action, but Coors and Corona are surely getting in on the pole every now and then.
9:28 – Fox’s NFL themesong may be more famous, but I would say that the MLB theme is definitely the best sports related theme song out there today. Just wanted to let you all know. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EzMHUtsPn9U&feature=related check it out. There are even better alternate themes too: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=00-TcR14VSQ&feature=related There’s not much going on, so I have to think of alternate things to do.
9:35 – Is there anything more violently effective than Vlad’s swing. It’s like one of those kids in Little League who justs hacks at three pitches so he can go sit back down and pick boogers out of nose. He swings it so hard. I’m pretty sure you would kill someone with that swing.
9:39 – More music related links. Fox also puts out this number every now and then. It makes baseball seem like something totally more important than it is, but it is still good. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QpuzVW6Thyg&feature=related. I misspoke, the best theme: NBA on NBC: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V_h7Lm7C9Nk It only kicks in around the 1:20 mark, but the clip is high, high comedy all around.
9:42 – Lackey’s rolling along, A-Roid doubles. All is normal in the world. Matsui up, looks relaxed at the plate. Probably just dipped into the porn-case during inning break.
9:44 – Other good themes (I’m sure you are all loving this): NBA on TNT (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FOgbdMIc2hw&feature=related) , NFL on CBS (old-school) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VGSzndHKVPE&feature=related), and the NFL on NBC (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6sJcVo1qruY&feature=related). Finally, for my hockey friends (BTW, Lackey gets out of a jam, through 5.5, he’s shutting the Yanks down): here is NHL on ABC of old (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N-LZRW60wtg&feature=related). OK, I’m done (for now)
9:50 – We bring you back to the currently scheduled program of Game 5. Burnett has been great since the first inning, but I can’t take him seriously since he has nipple rings (one per each nipple, don’t misconstrue as multiple on one nipple as I think only Dennis Rodman has entered that zone).
9:52 – Kendry Morales, McCarver tells us, played for the Yankees of Cuba. I’m guessing they are not the Yankees of Cuba, because then they would have paid him 10 million Cuban monies per year to keep him. Either way, Burnett of the real Yankees, strikes him out with a “convinced” breaking ball.
9:56 – Mark Sanchez’s Toyota ad came out. Good for him, because with a couple more of those 5-pick performances, he’ll need that employer’s discount at Toyota when he’s out on the streets.
9:58 – Jeep claims to build Skyscraper’s and Base Camps in their commercials. I would hope they’ve moved on from that “building cars” phase, because fuck knows that did not work.
10:00 – While Nick Swisher does his A-Roid from 2004-2007 playoff impression (read: crapping the bed each time he steps to the plate), Posada disappears down the dugout tunnel. I bet he’s going to dig into Matsui’s porn stash, for a quick pressure-reliever. Meanwhile, Melky Cabrera, the only Yankee who is playing this game with any sort of urgency, gets a double.
10:02 – Posada finishes the job quickly, as he is up. Moises Alou used to pee into his hands before games, and he batted without gloves. Posada too has no gloves. Do you think he too, uses some excretory liquid (hint: rhymes with “shmeemen”) from his member to harden those hands?
10:03 – Quick sidebar while there is a visit from the pitching coach (don’t worry, no more theme songs). It is a great story how the tragedy of Nick Adenhart’s death has inspired this team. If you don’t know, he was killed when a drunk driver crashed into his car. This should teach us all something: don’t drink and drive, or as it is called in New York, don’t drink and walk onto random streets and avenues without checking for oncoming traffic.
10:04 – The Messiah walks quickly to load the bases. Big moment here. I would be much more worried if Damon had his Jesus beard. But, bases loaded Damon up, one out, the “bulldog” still pitching.
10:09 – Damon flies out to Rivera, and it is too shallow to score the Melk Man. Now, Teixeira comes up with the bases loaded and Lackey leaves to a standing O. God knows who is coming in, but for the Yanks, it is time for Tex to do something in the postseason.
10:11 – America Express releases an ad in which mundane items make the shapes of faces to a background of orchestral chello music. Why do every ad seem like tales of when someone is tripping on acid.
10:13 – Tex hits the first pitch for a double. Lackey should be mad, as Tim McCarver points out (good point, Tim, here’s another picture of the Dallas cheerleaders as a gift). Lackey should not have come out of this game. It is now 4-3. A-Roid is intentionally walked, so they can face porn-aficionado Matsui.
10:16 – Matsui singles and we are tied. Mike Scoscia might be a great manager, but fuck him for taking Lackey out of this game. I’m pretty sure even Tim McCarver would agree that John Lackey is better than Darren Oliver. I’m pretty sure Lackey would kill Oliver if given the chance, and I don’t blame him at all.
10:17 – And Dos Equis has joined the beer-orgy. MLB’s dick is big enough for all of you, don’t worry. I love those most interesting men in the world commercials, especially the fact that the guy plays Jai-Alai. That is interesting. Not as interesting as someone who legitimately plays bocce, but still quite interesting.
10:20 – Cano doubles and the Yankees are now winning 6-4, all coming with 2 outs after Lackey is stupidly pulled. Lackey might have already committed murderous acts on Mike Scoscia and Darren Oliver. I really think there should be protection on those guys.
10:21 – I am by no means a Philly fan, but I am getting my “Go Phils” white towel ready for the World Series. Fuck the Yankees. Derek Jeter just unleashed a half-gay smile and Robinson Cano has that “thank god New York won’t kill me after my mostly useless postseason now” face on. Great times in New York. I hope to dear god the Phillies sweep this team, and Ryan Howard hits two home runs off CC Sabathia just using his penis as a bat.
10:27 – Mathis is a hitting machine against the Yankees. Still stunned that Scoscia took his best pitcher out of the game and replaced him with a half-comatose Darren Oliver. Joe Girardi, who uses his bullpen about as often as CC Sabathia eats hot dogs, has left AJ Burnett in the game. I can’t believe I am saying this but Girardi is out managing Scoscia.
10:30 – Aybar draws a walk, as Burnett is taken out of the game (thank god, the actual Girardi is back). Damaso Marte is coming in. Holy God, Joe, do you want to blow this game? Damaso Marte, really? He of the 7 ERA. Good idea. By the way, the Thunderstix are making a semi-return (for those who don’t know, the thunderstix are phallic shaped balloons that Angels fans smacked together to great results in their 2002 World Series run) as barely half-the stadium is banging them. Why white towels overtook Thunderstix as fans annoying-object-to-wave-and-smack-around du jour is anybody’s guess, but I far prefer thunderstix. Bring back Thunderstix!! And Full-Time!!
10:33 – Figgins bunts, predictably. However, since Marte was pitching, and I could hit .300 off him, why would you bunt?
10:34 – Angels score and now Phil Hughes is coming in to face Hunter and Vlad, one hit away from tying this back up. I have a feeling that Fox ordered both managers to start acting stupid just so this game gets interesting. And I have a message for you Fox: It worked brilliantly! Great management job by Fox!!
10:37 – Boost mobile has turned to pigs as an ad campaign. Really, “Where you at?” did not work well?? That is a surprise.
10:39 – First truly dramatic moment of the game. Football might be the best sport overall, but other than overtime hockey, nothing is as dramatic and nerve-rackingly gut-wrenching as the baseball playoffs.
10:40 – Hunter is walked and Vlad, a historic playoff choker who is having an A-Roid like resurgence this playoffs, is up. On a different note, they showed a little girl, like 8 years old, banging thunderstix together, and that makes me feel bad calling thunderstix “phallic balloons.”
10:43 – Vlad ties the game with a groundball up the middle. His drunk swing makes me wonder how he ever hits home runs, but that is not necessary right now. McCarver is incensed that Hughes threw Guerrero a fastball after making him look silly with a curveball. Once again, another good point by McCarver. Is this really Tim? I have my doubts.
10:45 – Also, what happened to the Rally Monkey?? Was that an Anaheim only monkey, and was disowned after their name change to Los Angeles.
10:46 – Fuck Yeah!!!! The Monkey is not needed as Morales hits a single, and the Angels take the lead again. What a great game, or more specifically an epic meltdown of both bullpens. AJ Burnett has a “What the fuck is this bullpen doing to my win” face that Lackey wore beautifully. McCarver called Hughes “Joba Chamberlain”, and easy mistake when you don’t remember that there is a 150 lb difference between the two. I like having the old McCarver back.
10:49 – Why is Romeo Crennel doing the Coors light interview ads? What the hell. Was there no other coach available? Was Mike Shanahan or Jon Gruden not good enough in the press conferences? I’m sure Jon Gruden says 1,000 things more interesting daily than Romeo Crennel has ever said. Romeo Crennel seems like a fine human being, but he is not deserving of that ad campaign. He may be deserving of a sponsor of Coors Light, but definitely not of that campaign. By the way, is there such thing as Coors, as I only see ads for Coors Light.
10:52 – Jered Weaver, the game 7 starter (if necessary) is pitching for some reason. Who has stolen the real Mike Scoscia and used polyjuice potion and is currently managing the Angels (oh yeah, that’s right, Harry Fucking Potter).
10:56 – I will stop doubting Scoscia, as Weaver strikes out Cano and Jeter (that’s right, he struck out God Incarnate). We go to the bottom of the ninth. Great, great game. The only downside, Fuentes will face Damon, Tex and A-Roid in the ninth. If I were Scoscia, I would keep Weaver out there. Fuentes is one HR away from kneeling down, sucking A-Roid’s dick and calling him “master” at this point.
10:59 – Joba is in the game. Juan Rivera greets him with a double, showing the world that Rivera is in fact alive. Good to know. I’m gonna say this once and for all: Joba Chamberlain is not that good. I’m sorry. That performance against Cleveland two years ago when he was attacked by the midges (bugs), it seems a midge got lodged in his brain and is fucking with him ever since.
11:01 – Buck alerts us that Lackey is back in the dugout. Hopefully he did not leave before to kill and bury Darren Oliver. It seems that Brian Fuentes is warming up. Good lord. This is not going to be good. Fox shows a graphic stating that Mathis has hits in six straight at-bats. If, by some struck of luck, the Angels come back and win this series, do you think Mathis will be the first .200 hitter ever to win the ALCS MVP?
11:04 – Mathis strikes out. Fox has a great history of putting up graphics denoting streaks and stats of such nature and having them immediately jinx the person or team. I would love to say this is a coincidence, but when a Network has a nighttime show with Wanda Sykes and still claims to be the most watched network on television, anything is possible. Aybar gets an infield hit. So we now have 1st and 3rd one out, with the most important insurance run ever 90 feet away.
11:06 – Even if the Angels don’t score, I feel like the Hughes/Chamberlain combo is nowhere near it has been hyped up to be. It may be better than the Oliver/Jepsen shit-combo the Angels threw up back in the 7th, but then again the Gary Coleman/Verne Troyer combo is better at pitching.
11:07 – Mariano Rivera comes in. Girardi has used his brains and replaces the most overrated pitcher of recent memory (Chamberlain) with the greatest relief pitcher ever (Rivera). Rivera has reached a level that he could probably start game 6 and go 8 scoreless innings and I would not be in the least way surprised.
11:13 – Chone Figgins (pronounced: Shaun Figgins. Yeah he’s that gay about the spelling) flies out, and doesn’t get the runner home. Again, I cannot stress just how important this insurance run is. They will lose this game if they don’t score here.
11:14 – They don’t score the insurance run, and we go to ad with Joe Buck saying the three words every Angel fan dreads: “Fuentes coming in.” Windows 7 has an ad with a weird guy showing us the “snap” feature. I’m sure that is the most obscure, pointless feature they have, obviously after the “Why Macs suck in every way” background that is required in every version of Windows 7.
11:17 – Cat Stevens “If you want to sing out” + Chevy Chase playing whack-a-mole. I’m not sure about you, but that will definitely make me buy T-Mobile.
11:19 – Damon lines one, thankfully straight to Kendry Morales. Thank you god. Teixeira up, and he pops up the first pitch. Tex is really going to earn those 180 million. And now what we all fear, A-Roid. McCarver asks should you walk him, and they will walk him. I would walk him, because Matsui is next, and I think Matsui is usually in full on porn mode right about now usually. Another random question, why do we actually have to go through the 4 pitches of the intentional walk. Can’t they just declare intentional walk, and then the guy goes straight to first, or is that too obvious.
11:21 – They pinch run A-Rod. Are you fucking kidding me?? You are pinch running for the guy who single handidly carried you in this postseason for a guy named Freddy Guzman. Substituting in Guzman to run is only a good idea if you are trying to get crack across the border.
11:23 – They show a guy wearing a Green shirt. Hopefully he is color-blind, because that is the only explanation for wearing Green to an Angels game.
11:24 – Matsui is walked, as Robinson Cano is now the batter. Thankfully Cano has fulfilled his “one big hit” quota for the game, but Cano might be greedy. I am still petrified of Brian Fuentes. Moreso than Brad Lidge circa 2005-2006.
11:26 – Cano gets hit. Swisher is the only hitter worse than Cano right now, so maybe the hitting of Cano may be the Angels form of intentionally walking him. If these are the real “Yankees” then Swisher hits a Grand Slam.
11:28 – Swisher hits two weak-ass ground balls foul. He is intent on getting himself gunned-down in Central Park this winter at this rate. He was supposed to be the epitome of the “Moneyball player” so it’s fitting that he, like Beanes “moneyball” A’s, fails in the postseason.
11:30 – Fuentes wants LA to die of heart attacks. Swisher on a full-count.
11:31 – Thank the fucking Lord. Swisher fails (again) and we are back to New York. I don’t know if this is allowed, but the Angels look into getting a new closer in the next two days. Jepsen is your winner, and Hughes gets the loss, and Fox welcomes us to the Chevy postgame show.
11:35 – I think the Wanda Sykes ad is a sign that it is time to call it a night and start preparing for that midterm. If there is a game 7, I will be back, and I will do at least one of these in the World Series. Good night, and thank you Phil Hughes.
