32.) St. Louis Rams
Ohhhh, God. When you get shut out twice in four weeks, and are QBed by Kyle "I'm surprised I have not been killed by Ray Lewis for ruining his prime" Boller, you deserve no other spot.
31.) Tampa Bay Buccaneers
When your one redeeming quality is the fact that you are trying to emulate the late Jaguars with the three black QB depth chart, then your team probably sucks. Also, it doesn't help that your owner also is the antichrist, since he owns Manchester United.
30.) Kansas City Chiefs
Maybe you should have tried to pry along Randy Moss, Wes Welker when you brought along Matt Cassell. Actually, maybe you should have went all-out and stolen Bill Belichick......'s video guy.
29.) Cleveland Browns
When your team is dumb enough to play half-interested against the Bengals, which ruins your teams chances to fire your oppressive tyrant of a coach, then your team has lost whatever brain it had.
28.) Washinton Redskins
Sure you are 2-2. But you know what? You beat the team ranked 32 by 2, and the team ranked 31 by three. You also lost to the fucking Detroit Lions. So, before you chime in with your 2-2 record, shut up, and go..... find Haynesworth before he goes to the buffet again.
27.) Oakland Raiders
What to say, what to say? I love you, and I always will. But when your triplets are a fat guy, a continuously hurt guy, and Darrius Heyward Fucking Bey, then it makes it hard. Also, Tom Cable might get arrested this week..... and the funny part is that this is unrelated to the punching incident. He planned it to get away from this team.
26.) Detroit Lions
Congratulations. This team is trying hard. This team has real, real triplets, unlike the bags of shits listed above. Calvin Johnson is a bad, bad man. That was a close 24 point loss, if that makes any sense.
25.) Buffalo Bills
Dick Jauron has about three weeks left.... to live. Becuase Terrel "Who the fuck is throwing to me, Trent Edwards.... Oh lord, I need to chill, show me to the strip club.... what this shit town doesn't even have a strip club?" Owens is going to kill him.
24.) Carolina Panthers
How was this team 12-4 last year?? How? Can anyone tell me? Jake Delhomme, I just feel bad for the guy. In all respects, he is a nice guy. He just cannot play Quarterback right now. Maybe the bye will help them, or maybe it just gave Steve Smith more down time to ponder which teammate to punch next (hint: its you, Chris Gamble).
23.) Miami Dolphins
We finished off our first ten with a team that probably in most years would be around 27-29. They suck. They are now playing their second Chad, and that, in no circumstances is a good thing. Honestly, they should just go Wildcat all the time. It may not work, but it will give Jon Gruden the longest orgasm he has ever had.
22.) Dallas Cowboys
Man, does that Tony Romo suck. Evidently, he had no idea that that last play was on fourth down. This is dumber than McNabb not knowing the overtime rule. At least that was a rule (I mean, who the fuck reads the "rulebook"), Romo could not count to four.
21.) Tennessee Titans
Yes, they are 0-4, and lost to a mediocre Jacksonville team by 20, but I still believe in them more than any team listed above. That running game is still scary, and they have the fighting J's on the D-Line (Jevon, Jovan (no that is not the same), Jacob, James) and that is too funny to be on a bad team.
20.) Seattle Seahawks
I'll give them the benefit of playing with Seneca Wallace the past two weeks. But, what happened to that defense. Lofa Tatupu was a star-to-be. That whole team is vastly overrated, and just for kicks, if they wear those green vomit colored unis, the fashion world will all have a collective anyuerism.
19.) Jacksonville Jaguars
Sure, they looked impressive the last two weeks. But, before that, they were hemmoraging points and yards to Arizona. I just don't believe this team has any future, especially with that goblin, Jack Del "I pay babies to tell me I look good" Rio.
18.) Arizona Cardinals
The only reason they are here is that they play in the NFC West aka Arena League III. They also have Larry Fitzgerald, and that's good enough for them to end with about seven wins. I'm pretty sure the Arizona fans are totally fine with going back to not caring.
17.) San Diego Chargers
Can we all make a pact and stop calling this team the "most talented" or saying that "this is their year". This is their year, to suck us all in and then take a shit on our heads. There is a reason that they were 8-8 last year. Becuase they are the perfection of mediocre. And Shawne Merriman is not back, or he's just finally off the roids.
16.) Houston Texans
I still believe in the 2009 Houston Fantasies, as in they are the best fantasy team. Good teams crush bad ones, and that's what they did. It wasn't overly impressive, but they smacked Oakland like Chris Brown did.
15.) Green Bay Packers
They are a great team, except they cannot block Aaron Rodgers for shit. Aaron really should get a medal for throwing for 387 yards despite running all one-step-drops. Much like Pedro Martinez, he should tip his hat, and call Jared Allen his daddy.
14.) Atlanta Falcons
I'm not sold on this team. They seem like a team good enough to beat every bad team, lose to every good team, and end up with between 9-11 wins. That is infinitely more boring, but infinitely more successful than how Houston will end the year with the same amount of wins.
13.) Philadelphia Eagles
When you lose at home to New Orleans by 24, that wipes out the credit you get for beating KC. So, I'll go back to week one, when you rode the Jake Delhomme experience operating on High Shittiness to a huge win.
12.) Denver Broncos
I know they are 4-0, but really they are 3-1, as the Stokley miracle gave them number four. They beat the teams ranked 29, 27 and 22. Great job, boys. Beat New England, and then I'll move you up to the top 10. Until then you are still QBed by Kyle Orton. Enough said.
11.) Chicago Bears
That's right, it does look like the Bears won the deal. Jay Cutler is playing like Jay Cutler. That team has its Special Teams swagger back. They are good, and believe me, Matt Forte is at least 50% back.
10.) Cincinnatti Bengals
The Cardiac Bengals, baby. They are a miracle away from being ranked in the top five. They beat Pittsburgh, they beat Green Bay in Lambuea. They are legit. Carson Palmer is still playing a bit like an overrated fuck, but he'll get there. However, Ocho, when you want to jump into the Dawg pound, go the fuck ahead. Chad Johnson would have.
9.) San Francisco 49ers
I didn't believe them preseason, but they have made me switch. This is a good team. However, I will forever dock them for not covering Greg Lewis, and making me hear sports figures climax all week at the thought of Brett Favre.
8.) Pittsburgh Steelers
This team is good. They will win this division. They will be in the top 4 by the end of the year. I guarantee it. Ben Roethlisberger looks like the third best QB in the league (that's right, fuck you Tom Brady).
7.) New England Patriots
Did you see Tom Brady, do everything short of getting on his knees and sucking the refs dick for that Pass Interference call. Man up, Tommy. Tom Brady is by far the bigges tool pussy in the NFL. I hope you have play Baltimore again in the playoffs. I think every NE scoring drive was continued by iffy penalties.
6.) New York Jets
Mark Sanchez will have those games. He's a rookie. It happens. Just as long as he doesn't do that in year three (see: Russell, Fat-ass), then you will be fine. The big thing is that defense played great. They shut the Saints down. They were just undone by their QB, but not many teams will do that to Sanchez.
5.) Balitmore Ravens
I know they just lost to New England, but this is not Math. There is no transitive property. They are still better than New England. They can play ball. I am a little skittish about that pass defense, but they got New England off the field alot, but evidently they collectively banged every refs wife in the week because the refs seemed to be totally against them.
4.) Minnesota Vikings
This ranking has nothing to do with Favre. It has to do with Peterson, a suddenly awake receiving corp, and that defense. That Jared Allen, he is a beast. However, that sack dance gets annoying, but then again anytime you do the same dance FIVE times in one game, you are playing well, and your dance will get annoying.
3.) New York Giants
They go out and go to work every Sunday. They just show up, beat teams and go home. Its not flashy, its not like the teams ranked ahead. But it is as effective. That defense is as deep as anything I have ever seen (apart from JaMarcus's candy cabinet). Eli Manning Fascitis may be a problem, but for now, I'll give them the benefit of the doubt.
2.) Indianapolis Colts
I'll save my Peyton Manning gushing for my Colts review/preview tomorrow. For now, I'll talk about the defense. They were missing Brackett, Hayden and Sanders, or their best LB, CB and Safety. Also, Freeney was playing at 75%. Take away the garbage-time TD's by Seattle, and they limitedthem to three points. What a performance.
1.) New Orleans Saints
That defense is playing really, really well. They lead the league in takeaways, and that is not by accident. Drew Brees, when he needs to, can put up numbers like anybody. They have the best running game. They have the best home-field advantage. They are the best team.
