Byes absolutely suck. This was an insanely boring weekend, where I did not have the chance to see Peyton go carve another secondary. Worse, I had to see Tom Brady carve up a team. That is never, ever fun. Anyway, here we go.
Kansas City 14 Washington 6 (I picked KC (+6.5) : 1-0)
The biggest upset of the year so far is that Jim Zorn was not fired on the spot. I had this scenario in my mind: Jim Zorn goes to shake Todd Haley's hand, Dan Snyder walks up to Zorn while he is on his way, and just slaps him, takes hid Redskins jacket off, and pisses in a cup, and throws said cup in his face. Now, that would be the best Redskins performance all year. The Chiefs did not even play good, but that's all you need against the Redskins. I said it when they were 2-2, and I will go even further now. If the Redskins go 2-14, they will be the worst 2-14 of all time.
Houston 28 Cincinnatti 17 (HOU (+4.5) : 2-0)
I thought before that this was my lock of the week. The Texans are the bizarro Redskins, in that they are probably the best 3-3 team in the NFL. They are, in my opinion, the second best offense in the league behind the Saints. The Colts may be able to score more and all that, but no one, other than the Saints, can move the ball like this team. I am in a fantasy league that has really messed up scoring, where WR are really, really valuable, and I picked Andre Johnson as my top pick. Why? Because that man is a manbeast. That guy is, by far, the best wide out in the NFL. Steve Slaton has had a better year catching than running, but who needs a running game when Matt Schaub puts up 392 yards. Cincinnatti suffered a major, major loss. Not the game itself, becuase this was expected, coming off three straight division games and what not. No, the major loss is that of one Antwan Odom. That is going to hurt. This is still a good team, but one that will probably not win the division. Something is still not right with Carson Palmer. It may be that he has played tough defenses, but I thought he would carve up the Texans porous pass D and turn it into a shootout. Either way, this and the Tennessee game earlier are the real Texans. I still feel that the Texans are an 11 win team, and that they are playoff bound. (My hope is that they go into New England in the first round and beat them in a shootout). They continue to be the ultimate fantasy team, but now they are finally becoming a good actual team.
Cleveland 14 Pittsburgh 27 (PIT (-13) : 2-1)
Fuck you, Josh Cribbs. His return TD kept this from covering. The Browns are absolutely horrible, just awful. How is Derek Anderson the starter. Derek Anderson is many things, but one of them is not a starting level QB. He is 11-41 the last two weeks. Let me repeat that, 11-41. That is levels that, forget FatMarcus, Ryan Leaf has not even reached. Pittsburgh continues to astound me. Ben Roethlisberger has become an amazing deep thrower, and that pass offense is downright explosive. This is not like the Swann/Stallworth days when Bradshaw, who after eating a crabcake and malt whiskey, threw it up and Swann and Stallworth miraculously catched it. This is more like the Manning way of throwing it precisely, and allowing his guys to catch it easily. However, the really interesting part is where Ben put up 417 yards against an awful, awful team and they only scored 27 points. If Brees puts up 417 yards, they score minimum 40 points, and they cover against the Browns. Good to have Troy Polumalu back. That man is one of the best defensive players in the NFL, and having him back healthy makes them, in my eyes, the favorite in the AFC North. I think that the 2008 Pittsburgh defense will show itself, as recent drafts have allowed the loss of Aaron Smith be covered up a little. Here's a prediction, the Steelers will go at least 12-4 and get the number 2 seed.
Baltimore 31 Minnesota 33 (BAL (+2) : 3-1)
What a great, great cover. Of course, I would have won outright if Steve Hauschka did not pull his best Mike Vanderjagt and pull an easy kick. Thanks a whole lot Hauschka, thanks a lot. Now I have to hear another week of the Brett Favre mediagasm, as the media will kindly overlook thier Dancing With The Stars impression that they pulled on defense in the fourth quarter. They were up 27-10 at one point in the 4th quarter, and should have lost. Its not often when that happens, at home, when you are undefeated. Peterson had a nice game, but aside from the one big run, he had another slightly pedestrian performance. Sure, that is a little bit like saying that Marrisa Miller, aside from her perfectly proportioned body, is slightly pedestrian, but hey, I need to say something to make me forget picking Andre Johnson over Adrian Peterson. Sidney Rice is a baller, but I'm starting to think that he was always that good and he just was not trying when Tarvaris was playing QB. I wouldn't play hard if Tarvaris Jackson was throwing me balls. I would rather have Brett Favre throw me Tarvaris Jackson so I could punch him. As for Baltimore, that defense is just not as good. It is not the loss of Rex Ryan. They have survived losing coordinators before and come out even better. The real story is that they have bad, bad corners. Domonique Foxworth should change his name. That is an awesome cornerback name, but he is not an awesome cornerback. Fabian Washington is not any better. This is a 9-7 team waiting to happen. Joe Flacco continues to impress and Ray Rice is making a great Peterson impression. I cannot wait for Minnesota's trip to Pittsburgh next week. They are a good team, but not 6-0 good. An interesting aside: the last time they went 6-0 was 2003 and they ended up 9-7 losing to Arizona with a chance to clinch their division. Now, that is the Minnesota I know, I want that Minnesota back.
Rams 20 Jaguars 23 (JAX (+7) : 3-2)
Yeah, this is a game not worthy of talking about. I'll just say this, I speak for Jacksonville when I say, "please, please move this team to some Portland type place. We don't deserve a team this shitty." The Rams may just win a game this year yet, but I feel like they missed their best chance.
New York (n) 27 New Orleans 48 (NO (-3) : 4-2)
Wow, did I get this game wrong. I picked the Saints to win and cover, but still that was mighty impressive. What happened to the NYG defense. I know they played a AAA schedule for three weeks, but they looked like a AAA team in this game. They got no pressure on Drew Brees, and that is inexplicable for a team that has a deep talented D-Line. The NYG secondary was overmatched and they made Jeremy Shockey look like, well, what they thought Jeremy Shockey would be. As for New Orleans: this is an amazing team. They are the closest thing to the Greatest Show on Turf I have seen since the end of the Rams, and Sean Payton is a perfect Mike Martz, albeit he's a bit thinner and less dickish. They just go up and down this game, time after time. It is like there is no one playing defense on the other side. They can run, they can throw, they can throw everyone in that offense and it looks good. Drew Brees is, god I cannot believe I am going to say this, making a Hall Of Fam push. He may have won just one playoff game, but its not his fault. He is simply amazing. That defense looks electric. I knew they were playing well, but this is the first real offense that they have played, and they made Manning play like Manning circa 2006. They confused a really good O-Line and put constant pressure on the G-Men. The Giants did run the ball so that shows one way you can possibly win against this team.
Carolina 28 Tampa Bay 21 (CAR (-3) : 5-2)
I have nothing to say. Again, Jake Delhomme played bad, but not bad enough that the whole states of Carolina want to collectively give him colonoscpy with a spear. DeAngelo and Stewart finally had a game where they looked like the 2008 version. These are two bad teams. The Bucs don't even deserve a mention, except for that I think the next time you can hire a 32-year old kid without even Coordinating experience I think you should check twice.
Detroit 0 Green Bay 26 (GB (-13.5) : 6-2)
Yup, those are the Lions. I could not have been more confident in a line ever. Even though Green Bay's o-line continues to imitate mimes balleting through a cornfield, they still have more than enough ability to beat a shrew of a team. Aaron Rodgers had a nice fantasy game, and Ryan Grant should patent the "suck my ass off for 50 minutes and then put together 3 good runs so my stats look half respectable" game. He is the all-time performer of that. Well done, Ryan, well done. I still say that this team wins that division, but I will make the following prediction, they will make the Super Bowl in 2010. Super Bowl XLV here we come Green Bay. Detroit will also make the Super Bowl..... in 2040. Super Bowl LXXV here we come, and by that time hopefully Ford will suck even more to bankrupt that Ford family so they sell the team.
Philadelphia 9 Oakland 13 (OAK (+14) : 7-2)
Thank you, thank you. Let me stop to take the first of probably 10-20 bows and victory speeches. I nailed this pick. Oakland gets up for games at a rate of once a month (although I have a strange feeling about next week too), and when they want to, they can play shut down defense. What is even more amazing is that Nnamdi Asomugha was out for most of this game. That just shows that the Raiders have talent, or at least enough to win 8 games. It is a matter of effort. JaMarcus had an average day, and honestly, if the running game clicks, that's all we need. I think people have to remember that not everyone is Joe Flacco or Matt Ryan (what a difference 3 weeks make. I would have put Mark Sanchez in that sentence before). Sometimes, QBs take time to develop. I still think that his best case scenario is a more effective version of Jake Delhomme, but I'll take it for now.
Arizona 27 Seattle 3 (ARZ (+3) : 8-2)
I thought this would be close. I hate even accepting credit for a correct selection. Seattle could not block at all. That was embarrasing and honestly not a total surprise. I failed to see that they were down to their third string LT and are hurt on the O-Line for the 10th straight year. The Matthew deserves better protection, mainly becuase he is easily the funniest NFL player and I am scared that the constant hits on his person will lead to a loss in that innate ability to be funny. I mean, that's what happened to Jay Leno, right?? Arizona was good. I love how Kurt Warner is doing a Raiders 2002 impression with his constant, bordering on annoying, short passes. I mean Larry Fitzgerald caught 13 passes, but for only 100 yards. Those are running back numbers (a really good RB, but nonetheless). That defense played like the late 2008 version, and when they play like that, I feel like this is the best team in the NFC West bar none, especially when the last time we saw San Francisco they were in the process of getting blown out 45-10 at home, and Mike Singletary had unzipped his fly, step one of two until his pantslessness returns.
Buffalo 16 New York (a) 13 (NYJ (-9.5) : 8-3)
Thanks a whole lot Jets. They suckered me in after they beat the Pats, mainly because I love any team that beats the Pats. I seriously develop a huge crush. I mean, I have been having an affair with the Giants ever since SB XLII. Mark Sanchez has sucked the last three weeks. Even JaMarcus never threw 5 picks in a game. That is a Jake Delhomme scenario and that is bad, bad, bad for a Jets fan. I have many Jets fan friends, and thier hope and spirit for their team is admirable, but even they know that this team is not a playoff caliber team at current level. That defense is not Baltimore's of last year. Kerry Rhodes is not Ed Reed and Kris Jenkins is a great player but now he's out for a long period of time, which will most inevitably be filled with many, many depressed trips to the local WaffleHouse, and him becoming the first 400lb player. That will be a situation I will be keeping my eye on. Buffalo won with Ryan Fitzpatrick, but really, they only got 16 points when they were giftwrapped 6 turnovers. Ryan Fitzpatrick went to Harvard and Dick Jauron went to Yale, so we know that when their football ruse ends, they will have long, prosperous careers wherever they want, just far, far away from Buffalo.
Tennessee 0 New England 59 (TEN (+9) : 8-4)
Yup, that was a total quit-job by Tennessee. Were those the actual players, or did they go to the local IHOP, pick 50 people out and let them play. Their not from like Florida, so why did they react to the snow like it was some sort of strain of SwineFlu. That was totally undefendable. As for the Pats, I say this with total confidence: I feel no differently about the Pats today as I did on Saturday. They are a soulless team. That was not true running-up the score, but good lord, did they need to do a 2-minute drill up 38-0 before halftime. I loved how Tom Brady pretended to not know that he had 5 TD's in the second quarter. Bullshit, Tom, Bullshit. He knew, as did Belichick, as did the team. This is not the NCAA's, this is the NFL. I don't think the Colts, or Saints (who are better, by a lot, on offense than the Pats) care about you beating a team that honestly quit after the flea-flicker TD. The true Pats are the ones who barely beat Baltimore. They are better than the team that lost in Denver and nowhere as good as the team that played yesterday. About the Tom Brady injury recovery, he was back before. This is the same Tom Brady. Am I supposed to believe that in the 56th and 57th weeks of his recovery some miracle improvement happened in which he transformed from a bad QB to an amazing one. No, it did not. He's the same, he will always be the Tom Brady circa 2004-2006. 2007 was a mirage, and even with this game, he will come nowhere near those 2007 numbers again.
Chicago 14 Atlanta 21 (ATL (-3) : 9-4)
I thought this game would be bettered played. It was a good, dramatic game, but both teams played as though neither wanted to win. It was pretty reprehensible. Neither team ran for shit, as the two biggest dissapointments of the fantasy season squared off to great effect and Matt Forte and Turner played like the frauds they are. Both Matt Ryan and Jay Cutler made awful throws, but Cutler to Knox is becoming very, very exciting. For those who don't know, Knox was picked in the random pick that was thrown into the Cutler-Orton deal. The Bears and Falcons seem a bit weird, in that they are good teams, but still would probably lose to elite teams, much like the Chargers and Ravens of the NFC. Still an interesting game with two teams with playoff aspirations. I'm just happy NBC did not pick Titans-Pats as the Sunday Night game before the season. Good job, NBC.
Week 6 Playoff Projections
New thing I am adding. This is my playoff projections, where I think each team will qualify for the playoffs based on their current form and future schedule.
AFC NFC
1. Colts 1. Saints
2. Steelers 2. Giants
3. Patriots 3. Packers
4. Broncos 4. Cardinals
5. Bengals 5. Vikings
6. Texans 6. Bears
