Sadly the Colts have a bye. Byes really suck. They are just a wasted week. By the time they play again, you forget what the Unis look like, you forget what their o-lineman are, you forget which player was cut for smoking weed again. However, what does not suck, me going 9-5 last week, a good improvement. This week is more of the same, ridiculously high lines and, since teams this year are resigned to play like Div II colleges, they might get covered. What is good is that this week features games that are actually watchable, especially the Sunday/Monday night duo.
Kansas City @ Washington (-6.5)
This is not one of those aforementioned watchable games. That is a ridiculously high line for the worst 2-3 team of all time. The Redskins suck, plain and simple. Jason Campbell is lost. The Head Coach might be fired before I finish writing this sentence. Albert Haynesworth frequents buffets like PacMan Jones frequents Minxxx strip club (I miss the PacMan). They really are an embarrasment to the NFC East, and the district that is Columbia. On the other side, Kansas City is a team bad enough that they managed to lose that Cowboys game. Matt Cassell seems to be crapping his pants every pass play becuase they cannot block for shit. Larry Johnson is the first RB to washed up at 26. I mean even Shaun Alexander made it to 30, and my five year old next door neighbor could tackle Shaun. Both of these teams have no redeemable qualities and this game will probably go a long way in deciding who gets the right to blow another draft pick (has anybody seem Tyson Jackson? Anybody?). I have no reasoning for this game, other than it is completely inexplicable how the Skins can be favored by that much.
Cheifs 13 Redskins 16 (KC)
Houston @ Cincinnatti (-4.5)
Good game and a good line. I think Cincy is a little bit worse than that record and Houston has the potential to be a top-10 team any week. When will they show that potential, probably three head coaches from now, but still, the threat is scary. Carson Palmer and Chad Ochocinco historically start to go off right about now (like in 2006 where Chad had a scary 5 week run), and Houston is the team to do it against. Cincinnatti probably is primed for a let down after last weeks emotional win against Baltimore, but being back home should energize that crowd. I still like Houston, but if they drop to 2-4 its probably over. I have a weird feeling that Houston wins this game, and that this will be the game that I though Houston-Arizona should have been, a fun shootout for the entire game.
Texans 31 Bengals 27 (HOU)
Cleveland @ Pittsburgh (-14)
God, that is a scary line. Pittsburgh seems to be on auto-pilot against bad teams, evidenced by their nondescript 8 point win against Detroit. However, Derek Anderson went 2-17. Just imagine that. In the NFL, most QB's would complete around 12 of 17, so Anderson failed 10 more times than an average QB. JaMarcus hasn't even had games like that (don't worry, he's trying hard too, and he's not far away). They traded their only good offensive player. Their defense has no playmakers. Is it really that hard to build a team in the NFL?
Browns 6 Steelers 24 (PIT)
Baltimore @ Minnesota (-3)
Now we're talking. This is a game. The Vikings really have not played anyone impressive (SF would have been impressive if they hadn't just lost by 35 at home) and are, in my opinion, nowhere near 5-0. Also, Brett Favre is due for a 14-30 133yds 1 td 3 int game, and the Ravens are the team that can do it. They will shut down Peterson, get points on that overrated defense (what the fuck happened to the Williams wall??) and force Favre into mistakes. Ed Reed is ready to do it again. I also fear for Brett Favre seperating both shoulders, tearing his rotator cuffs, labrums and spleen when Haloti NGAH-TAHHH comes crashing through. Honestly, is there anything more fearsome than a 340 pound 6'4" Somoan?? No, there is not. The honeymoons over Minnesota. Hopefully Favre has banged you all enough times, because those days are done.
Ravens 27 Vikings 17 (BAL)
St. Louis @ Jacksonville (-10)
I am starting to think I spoke to soon about their being "good" games this weekend. Also, is there anything more embarrasing than being a 10 point underdog to a team who just lost 41-0? The only thing more embarrasing would be for Tom Brady to start petting goats again, but those days seem like they're gone. Jacksonville is a completely schizophrenic team. They lost by 41 after beating Tennessee by 20. They have no real stars except for MJD, but against the Rams that is enough. Word is that Marc Bulger is back. On a sad note, that ends the run of Kyle "Brian Billick, please don't shoot me for sucking dick when we had a historically great defense" Boller. enoyed it immensely.
Rams 17 Jaguars 30 (JAX)
New York (n) @ New Orleans (-3)
This is a bueaty. Probably the best matchup of the year, and what will go a long way in deciding who the #1 seed is. I really have no objective way of figuring this game out. Both teams are excellent. Both teams can play every conceivable type of football. The crowd in the Dome goes bonkers, and the Giants probably are the best road team in the NFL. I have no idea, so I'm just going to flip a coin. Literally, here's a Nickel. Sidenote: why is Jefferson on the Nickel? Who decides this? It should be in importance. Like, George Washington is on the $1 bill. What the fuck? He's the father of this here damn United States, he should be on the $100. Here's my new rankings:
$100 - G. Washington - explained above
$50 - A. Lincoln - unlike Grant who was an awful President, Lincoln was a gamer, who kept ut as 50 states because of his reconstruction efforts, so its only fitting.
$20 - T. Jefferson - Andrew Jackson is not a bad choice, but TJ wrote our Declaration. He deserves more than the two dollar bill.
$10 - Andrew Jackson - because the 10 is the party bill (drinks, shots, beer etc. all around 10), and Andrew Jackson was baller enough to hold a public party in the White House.
$5 - FDR - nor sure why. Just fits.
$1 - Bill Clinton - because you use ones in the strip clubs.
Anyway, the nickel came up Jefferson sides up, and since Jefferson orchestrated the Louisiana Purchase, gotta go with New Orleans.
Giants 20 Saints 27 (NO)
Carolina (-3) @ Tampa Bay
Our first road favorite, and you know why? Becuase Tampa Bay is a joke of a football team. It is amazing that they won a super bowl this decade. Their best record since they won that super bowl: 11-5 in 2005, and have not won one playoff game since the Super Bowl. These are the teams that have won more than 11 games or at least one playoff game since 2002: Patriots, Jets, Colts, Titans, Jaguars, Ravens, Steelers, Cheifs, Chargers, Broncos, Giants, Cowboys, Eagles, Saints, Panthers, Falcons, Packers, Vikings, Bears, Seahawks, Cardinals and Rams. The Bucs are just an afterthought. They should never have let Tony Dungy go, or Jon Gruden go, or allowed the NFL to continue past 2002. The Panthers aren't much better, although they can at least play the game of football at a NFL level.
Panthers 24 Buccaneers 17 (CAR)
Detroit @ Green Bay (-13.5)
Man, is this another high, high line. Detroit is not all that bad, but the Packers are on a bye, at home and need to make a statement that they are good and can still compete for that division. Plus, Daunte is playing, and I'm not ever going to bet on Culpepper in a road game in a cold weather city. They could have made this line 20 and I would still go the Packers. The Packers have the defensive ability to shut the Lions offense down and allegedly have the ability to play offense. They could not block me, but the Lions don't have me; the Lions have guys worse so that won't be a problem.
Lions 10 Packers 35 (GB)
Philadelphia (-14) @ Oakland
What has happened to the Raiders? They are getting 14 at HOME. Had Al Davis been alive, he would have gone beserk and started firing people immediately. I love Al, and he has been one of the greatest owners in GMs in NFL history, but sadly that history ended in 2002 also. This team has the talent to make this close, like they did in Week 1 when they hosted the Chargers. Teams that can run can destroy the Raiders (as can most teams that can pass, protect the quarterback or just have a quarterback that is in any way ept), but Philly is not a good running team. Every year the Raiders seem to win one weird game at home when no one expects it (2008 - NYJ, 2007 - DEN, 2006 - PIT, 2005 - DAL). This line is too ridiculously high for something weird not too happen. Plus the Raider way is to play well when everyone thinks you're a bunch of toddlers, and make people regain hope only to then go on and lose 5 more in a row. This is my upset special of the year, and I think I am the only person in America (or the Universe or even the Underworld and most of Purgatory) that will pick this upset.
Eagles 17 Raiders 20 (OAK)
Arizona @ Seattle (-3)
This will be an underrated game. Both of these teams are within one game of the NFC West team, and I have absolutely no faith in the niners ability to hold off either of these two. Gun to my head (and I think people may be putting one after that last pick), I think these are the two best teams in the NFC West, or at least the two with the highest upside. The key for the Hawks is for the Matthew to stay healthy, because, frankly, I think we have all had enough of Seneca Wallace. It looks like he is healthy and Matthew to Houshmanzadeh looked dynamite. The Cards seemed to get their offense on track last week, but then collapsed in the second, but manned up on D when they had too. Seattle has one of the few legitimate home-field advantages left with raucous Qwest field and the 12th man. People say the noise comes from the design of the building, I say BS. It comes from the coffee and that is so obviously the answer. Anyway, the NFC West gets real interesting with a Seattle either way. Its really hard to pick this game, and I think it will be close, but in the NFC West, strange things happen all the time. I will not be shocked if Larry Fitzgerald has a 15 catch 250 yard day, and I will not be shocked if Matt Hasselbeck comes out to midfield wearing a wig. Total toss up.
Cardinals 27 Seahawks 23 (ARZ)
Buffalo @ New York (a) (-9.5)
Isn't 9.5 a little high for a team coming off two straight losses? No, no it is not. The Bills have scored 13 points the last two weeks combined. They just lost to Derek Anderson when he had a historically bad day. Dick Jauron honestly looks like he died three weeks ago, and the team is sending a taxidermisted version of him out there. The Jets are probably not as good as the world thought after they beat the Pats (mainly because neither are the Pats), but come on, any self-respecting teams crushes the Bills in this game. Mark Sanchez also needs to win one before he starts to lose confidence. Plus, that defense will be angry, and when Rex Ryan gets angry, he conconcts crazy blitz schemes that will make Trent Edwards hemmorage. Well first, actually Rex Ryan goes to Dunkin Donuts, but then concocts schemes.
Bills 13 Jets 27 (NYJ)
Tennessee @ New England (-9)
How is this line not higher. New England is everyone's darling team, and Tennessee is 0-5. You know why? because Tennessee is nowhere near as bad as 0-5, and New England is not that good. This is my other hunch game. The Titans won't win, but it will be close. The Titans can run the ball on New England. New England is so desperate they got Junior Seau back. It's sad really, Junior was in the middle of his Bingo Game and had a Shuffleboard tournament up next. New England cannot get any pass rush, and the Titans do block well. Other than the loss to Indy (totally understandable since Indy is great) and the Jags (I'll give them a pass, becuase shit happens), all their games have been close. New England looked dead last week. Here's a stat. Here are their points in the second half of games this year - 18 (crazy ones in that Bills game), 0, 13, 10, 0. Their offense is not clicking. This is why I love the mainstream media, who is too busy sucking Bill Belichick's dick and fondling his balls, and their Pats bias. Before the season started there was a wave of "Brady looked great in preseason, he's totally back. That offense is dynamite. 35 tds easily" and now that he has not they have all changed their tune to "I told you Brady will take time, but he's going to take off." He's not going to take off ever. Why? This is not 2007. Randy Moss is not the same. They don't have a 3rd receiver. Their line has become worse. Tom Brady is not the 2007 version. That was a mirage. This is the real Tom Brady. This is the 2009 Patriots. A good, but not great team, that will play close games, and win their fair share of them. Plus, Chris Johnson will go crazy. I hope they get a play where they match him and Junior Seau up one-on-one.
Titans 20 Patriots 23 (NE)
Chicago @ Atlanta (-3)
Quietly, these teams are both 3-1. Atlanta has looked more impressive in their wins, especially last week when they trounced the fightin' Mike Singletary's by 35 in the bay. Chicago looked better in its loss, when they got beat close unlike Atlanta who collectively decided not to board the plane to Foxboro and send their scout team instead. This was a great game last year, and I expect the same. However, the Bears are a bad matchup for Atlanta. They have the ability to take Turner out, and make Ryan beat them. Ryan is a great young QB, and maybe in 3 years he can do that, but I'm not quite sure yet. Cutler has been great, and you can pass on the Falcons (unless you are Shaun "please, coach, I really don't want to see you ass again. Coach, please pull your pants up. You smell, did you wipe?" Hill). However, these Prime-Time games in cities that rarely get prime-time games have a strange tendency to have really strange things happen to the home team.
Bears 17 Falcons 24 (ATL)
Denver @ San Diego (-3.5)
Here is more evidenve of the hypo-tron that are the Chargers. They are 2-2, looked lifeless in their "big-game" against Pittsburgh. They are infighting more than the couple in trailer #2, where Jim slept with Jamey's sister. Shawne Merriman really needs to go back on the roids, although if he does, he will actually kill Tila Tequila this time. Norv Turner better not get to comfortable. LaDainian Tomlinson, you sir are done, like Shaun "I feel like falling down after two inches becuase I cannot rip my petticoat" Alexander circa 2007 done. It's over. By the way, the Chargers have made two huge personnel decisions the last 5 years, keeping Rivers and trading Brees and keeping LT and trading Michael Turner. I think when the players you gave up single-handedly revitalized football in their respective places, I think you chose wrong. I would much rather have Brees and Turner than the Rivers-LT platter. Denver is for real. However, after all that hating on San Diego, it is time for San Diego's patented 40 point explosion that makes everyone think that they are legit. It won't be a huge one, since Denver's D is too good, but nonetheless, it is time for the Broncos to stop being undefeated, and it is time for the world to start the "Chargers are the most talented team" bandwagon up again.
Broncos 16 Chargers 23 (SD)
Season: 45-31
