I am truly sorry for you, Steve Spagnuolo. It looks like the Giants don't miss you at all, and I'm totally sure you miss them a shitload. St. Louis sucks. They may be the first team ever to go inside their opponents 10 yard line and come up with 0 points three times. Actually, that's not enough emphasis: THREE TIMES; THREE TIMES. I think that is enough emphasis. All I'll say is that they have a better chance of doing that again than winning a game.
31.) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-5)
Maybe Jon Gruden was a half decent coach after all. Becuase I'm sure Jonny Boy could get at least one win out of this crew so far. This team has talent. They have a legit three-headed monster at RB. They have not one, but two black QB's named Josh. Ohhh... wait a second. I now realize why they suck.
They played hard, finally. But Dallas really is not all that good, and if they could tackle at all, they would have won that game. I am so angry at their corners. Tackling guys is not that hard, boys. Miles Austin is thin as fucking paper, bring him to the ground. Stop making me listen to Tony Romo is back stories. Damnit, Todd Haley, damn you.
29.) Oakland Raiders (1-4)
I love how this team can lose their last three games by 20, 23 and 37 and still not be last. I love how this team can have a QB whose best day of the season statistically is 8-13 for 100 yards. I love that this team can do no worse than 1-15. I love how our coach may be arrested. I love how Al Davis just birthed an eletric eel last night.
28.) Buffalo Bills (1-4)
Since they are totally nondescript in their shittiness: How can you lose to a team whose QB goes 2-17?27.) Cleveland Browns (1-4)
Since they are totally nondescript in their shittiness: How can you win when your QB goes 2-17? mean, come on, that does not count as a win. And by the way, when Brady Quinn cannot beat out a guy who just had a game so bad that even JaMarcus is consolingh him, I think it is time to label Brady Quinn as a bust.
26.) Washington Redskins (2-3)This is now the worst 2-3 team of all time. How can you possibly lose when leading 17-2 over a winless team? I hope Dan Snyder drowns in that pool of 100$ bills he has in his backyard. If I'm Mike Shanahan or Bill Cowher and that guy offers me the job, I will actually fart in his face and slap him.
25.) Carolina Panthers (1-3)
I still believe that this team will win 8 games. They can play. They have a good running game (although scoring on the one yard line may help), and Jake Delhomme is putting on his Damon Huard mask and leading his team admirably. What is admirable? The fact that he has his head on straight when everybody in the Carolinas wants to kill him.
24.) Detroit Lions (1-3)
They show fight, they play hard. They were driving to potentially tie the game against the world champs. Now, in my opinion, that game was not close at all, but the scoreboard is what counts when you suck. Also, it has now been three weeks since any fans were arrested, so yah Detroit.
23.) Tennessee Titans (0-5)
How bad is this NFL season? An 0-5 team is only the 10th worst team. Last week they lost a legitimately great team. I'll give them a pass for that huge dookie they dropped in Jacksonville for the sole reason that that is the only way to justify what I am about to say. They barely lost opening night to Pittsburgh. They barely lost to Houston. They totally outplayed the Jets and lost due to their Punt Returner muffing not one, but two punts. They can play, and I have a weird feeling they will keep the game in Foxboro close.
22.) Jacksonville Jaguars (2-3)
I can't understand this team for the life of me. I should drop them to like 28 for failing to even get MoJo yards for my fantasy team. Honestly, what the fuck was that in Seattle? Has any team won by 20 one week and lost by 40 the next? I'll bet Jack Del Rio's job (if he still has one at the time of writing) that it has not happened.
21.) Dallas Cowboys (3-2)I just feel like this is their place. They beat Carolina, KC in overtime and Tampa Bay (Congrats, fellas). Tony Romo continues to play averagely, but get bailed out by Pop Warner tackling. Their RB's cannot stay healthy. And, if this is a good team, they do not allow that last minute game tying drive by the Cheifs. That is something the Titans would do, so here they are.
20.) Houston Texans (2-3)I still believe in this team fantasy wise. Even if Matt Schaub is the QB I would least like to have in a close game, he still continues to put up great numbers. Thank You, Matthew. And, since I am not the one person in America dumb enough to have the Texans Defense, I could care less. I just would like this team to finally make the playoffs.
19.) Arizona Cardinals (2-2)I think that the NFC West is wide open (and not like in previous years where that meant "first team to 9 wins, and GO"). This team, if they play like they did in the first half last week, and can make the plays on defense when they need to at the end, can end up around the 10 win range. Kurt Warner does not look like he is going to fade, maybe get uncontrollable bowel movements, but not fade.
18.) San Diego Chargers (2-2)This team simply has no life in it. I don't care if they are the most talented team in the NFL like everyone says, (Everyone can't be wrong, can they??) they are the team with the least heart. By far. This team should not be sucking ass in the beginning of seasons every year. They can go out an disprove me by beating the Broncos, but I expect them to do what they always do in big games: LT will not play. Rivers will show up for the 4th quarter only. Shawne Merriman will take steroids.
17.) New York Jets (3-2)
This team could have easily lost to the Titans. Then they put up back-to-back stinkers against the Saints and Dolphins. What happened to that defense that crushed New England?? What happened. They played the Wildcat like Mike Tyson plays his flute.
16.) Seattle Seahawks (2-3)
They are 2-1 with Hasselbeck, and the one loss was when Hasselbeck left in the second quarter. Now, if Hasselbeck continues to be banged up, then the Hawks will be screwed, but you can't be bad and beat a team by 41 points. That was impressive. The Housmanzadeh and Burleson combo is flying. All my fantasy team has to say is: What the fuck happened to Deion Branch?
15.) Miami Dolphins (2-3)
I like this team. They are spunky, and they seem to have upped the Wildcat to the next level. They legitimately can use the Wildcat as a base offense. Also, looks like a new Chad is all they needed. Now, I think I speak for all Dolphin fans when I say: Chad Pennington, you and your noodle arm can continue to tear things. Chad Henne will be better than Mark Sanchez, you heard it here.
14.) San Francisco 49ers (3-2)I wanted to drop them farther after that performance. That was probably the worst performance by a home team (especially one 3-1) in years. That was embarrasing. My god, Mike Singletary probably wanted to go out and tackle Dre' Bly (I love having to write that apostrophe) when he tried to showboat 75 yards away from the end zone.
13.) Green Bay Packers (2-2)This is another team I still believe in. They lost to two good teams, have beaten a good team, and blew out a team they should blow out. Aaron Rodgers is dangerously close to the Matt Schaub zone, but he gives them a chance. That defense is probably not as good as it looked in Week 1, but not as bad as it was against Minny. I still feel like Aaron Kampman will break Brett Favre's everything when he comes to Lambeau.
12.) Baltimore Ravens (3-2)Before the season, I thought this team was a good, but not great team, that would win 9 games and miss the playoffs. I feel absolutely vindicated. This team is not that great. They are just a slightly better version of San Diego in that they lose every game against good competition they play in. Also, what happened to the running game. Joe Flacco may be many things, but one of them is not his being better than the Ray Rice/McGahee combo. Run the Ball, Harbaugh!!!!
11.) New England Patriots (3-2)Something is not right. Their offense seems to be back in the 2003-2006 mode (which is the norm for the Pats, not 2007), which is fine. However, their defense is not in that similar mode. They just allowed 90 and 98 yard drives to Kyle Orton. Bill Belichick would have teared the hood off his hoodie if the 2004 Pats did that. Tom Brady is not the 2007 Tom Brady, and not becuase he is still rusty. He's just not that good. That was a magical year. This is the real Tom Brady.
10.) Atlanta Falcons (3-1)This team is good. Sure, they lost the "statement" game to the Pats, but that was an out-of-conference game against a hungry Pats team off its castration to the hands of the Jets. What was a real statement was their systematical cremation of the corpse that was San Fran last week. Roddy White seems to have a knack of breaking tackles and getting cheap 90 yard TD's. They are a good, solid fundamental football team.
9.) Chicago Bears (3-1)Josh McDaniels and Kyle Orton may be getting all the credit, but Jay Cutler is still a pretty good player. They also do have weapons. Jay Cutler will never be as bad as he was in Week 1. I still feel they or Green Bay will win that division, and the way that this team is playing, its gonna be Chicago. Which will lead to a playoff game in Chicago, which will lead to another great loss.
8.) Cincinnatti Bengals (4-1)After five weeks, and five close games, its not an accident that they won all of them. They won that Denver game, but Denver rewon it on a fluke. Carson Palmer is still not back physically (or at least with his timing with Chad and co.), but is back in terms of his moxie. He is doing a Peyton Manning impression at the end of games. Seriously, last minute drives against Pitt and Baltimore that is fucking impressive. Also, that defense is really, really underrated. Good, good team......
7.) Pittsburgh Steelers (3-2)..... but not as good as this one. They lost two really close games (one an emotional loss to Cincy), but they have Polamalu out. That hurts. Also, I'm not reading too much into their defensive "problems" against SD and DET. That Detroit game was only close becuase of the pick-6, and that Chargers game was never close. This team, in my opinion, is the only team with the potential to challenge Indy as the class of the AFC (That's right.... not fucking Tom Brady and his band of cheating bitches).
6.) Philadelphia Eagles (3-1)I can't really say that their only lost came with Kolb, because they lost by 24, and McNabb is not worth that many points. Jeremy Maclin and De-SEAN Jackson look really exciting. This team can ball out. I still question that defense. Jim Johnson's loss cannot be overstated. That team is not the same defensively. Unlike other people (cough-Mike-cough-Silver-cough), I don't trust that D, and I don't care if you beat two winless teams.
5.) Minnesota Vikings (5-0)
They get this spot for the way they are playing right now. I nearly guarantee you that they will not be near here by Week 15. Brett Favre cannot be this good for the whole year. I'm sorry. He may be playing great right now, but the guy is 40. I was one when he was drafted. That's fucking too much. Also, quietly, Peterson has been a fantasy dissapointment. He may be putting up good stats, but he's had three sub-par games in a row. Also, Brad Childress is still their head coach, and the NFL is the one sport where you have to have good coaching.
4.) Denver Broncos (5-0)I believe. I honestly thought this team would be 3-13. Even after they beat Dallas, I thought they were a 7-9 team waiting to happen. Then they went out and Beat the Pats (emphasis on that capital B). Their defense is really, really good. Kyle Orton is doing a good Brady 2003-2004 impersonation (Fuck you, Tom Brady cunt-suckers. He was not that good in 2003-2004). They better not lose me now that I finally trust them.
3.) New York Giants (5-0)How much credit can I give them for that win. The Raiders suck, and when you make them play an East Coast 1am game, they suck at historically bad levels. To be fair to the Raiders, in Week 5 last year, the Giants, playing at 1 am at home, beat Seattle 44-6. It's almost creepy how that turned out. Brandon Jacobs and Ahamd Bradshaw have not been the great combo I expected them to be, but this team has legit receivers. And that D-Line continues to man up to huge (and by huge, I mean JaMarcus's belly huge) levels.
2.) New Orleans Saints (4-0)Hate to drop them after bye. I really do. If they go out and beat the Giants, coupled with Indy having a bye, I'll be fair and bring them back to the top spot. I still think this team is alot more like the Giants than people think. They can really run the ball. They play good defense. They are a really good team overall. Plus, when they need to, they can play a shootout. Great team. Just not great enough.
1.) Indianapolis Colts (5-0)
Call it a fan pick if you want, but I honestly feel they deserve it. Peyton Manning continues to play at levels never seen before. I don't care about Tom Brady's 2007 season, or Peyton's 2004 season. There has never been 5 better games by a QB than what Peyton just put up. It is absolutely scary. What is even scarier, is that they are a top-5 defense even without Bob Sanders playing once and Kelvin Hayden being out for many weeks now. They are loaded. As the season goes on, and Miami, Arizona, Seattle and Tennessee improve their standing, those wins will look more and more impressive. They are the juggernaut, along with the winner of the NYG/NO game of the 2009 season.
