They played like they were alive, which was a nice improvement. This team still has, by far, the least talent of any NFL team. I always wonder how that happens in a league where everyone spends roughly the same amount. How can the Rams be so pathetic when at the same time the Patriots seem to have stars at every position. Where the hell are the Rams spending all that money? Where is it? This seems like something that should be investigated.
31.) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-6)
Ahh, the other sadly pathetic team. This team, unlike the Rams, have actual talent but a totally unknown and undeserving coach. What were Raheem Morris's credentials. Here they are: two years as a Defensive Backs coach. I realize they were trying to hold onto the next Mike Tomlin, but they missed badly. This is a team in total disarray. They really did not play well at home, against Carolina. How was this team ever 9-3 last year.
30.) Tennessee Titans (0-6)
More amazingly, how was this team ever 13-3 last year. It has gone from bad to worse. At first they lost three close games against good opposition. Then, the got hammered by the Jags, at that point I played it off as a team not interested in playing in Jacksonville (an infection that is mighty contagious). Then they lost even worse to the Colts at home. In retrospect, they played with alot of passion in that game. They just gave up, and when they saw snow in New England, they all collectively had seizures and that was the end of it. That team is a Defensive team, and their corners did not even try to cover people. This is sad. Much of the media thinks that Jeff Fisher deserves better, but does he? He has definitely run his course, and he has never been as good of a coach as the media makes him out to be. He has only six winning seasons in 15 years. That is awful, awful, awful. Its about time Jeff, to go into the media. Cris Carter won't be able to stay away from the Cocaine, and then ESPN will need someone.
29.) Washington Redskins (2-4)
They are the worst 2-4 team of all time. They are just unconsciably bad. I love the hypocrisy in the Jim Zorn fiasco. Evidently, Vinny Cerrato and Dan Snyder want him to stay, but want him to give up playcalling duties. That's a funny game to play when you initially hired Jimmy Zorn to be the Offensive Coordinator, and CALL PLAYS!! Great Job, Danny boy, great job. That guy is a far worse owner than Al Davis currently is. I have no idea why that is true, but to me it is. Anyway, this team has got to get Vinny Cerrato out of there, or they will not land the Mike Shanahan type and that's the end of that.
28.) Cleveland Browns (1-5)
I have few rules to my power rankings, but I'll say this has to be one: when your team is actively listening to trade offers for your one player who has any relevance and has any modicum of ability to ever play the game of football, I think your team is fucked. Its now year 11 of the "new Cleveland Browns" and this team has seemingly gotten worse. While the "old" Cleveland Browns (aka The Ravens of Baltimore) are one of the more model franchises of the league. Like always, its Bill Belichick's fault. This time it really is. When he coached the Browns he gave away Cleveland's local hero in Bernie Kosar and was such an unmititgated disaster that the fans gave up and they were off to Baltimore. Well done, Billy.
27.) Kansas City Cheifs (1-5)
They, like the Browns, are eternally boring, and are a forever downtrodden franchise. I'm starting to believe that their 13-3 year in 2003 was a dream sequence. Did that actually happen? This team bought into the hype of Matt Cassel for no good reason, then traded away their best player. I always think it is never a good idea to trade away your best player, yet the world never seems to listen. I guess I'm wrong then, becuase Scott Pioli did just that, and he is the genius architect of the Pats dynasty. I'm starting to feel he just brought Coffee to Belichick and that is it.
26.) Detroit Lions (1-5)
I really hope that Matthew Stafford and Megatron come back quickly. Just when their fans and society starting recognizing this team as an NFL franchise, they make Drew Henson play QB, and have their only relevant fantsy player get hurt. It never ends for Detroit, does it. What is srange is that there is no good reason why this team has never been any good in the Super Bowl era. Their owner, assuming he is still alive, stays away and yet there always seem to be organizational problems. If anybody needs a Patriot like sudden rise-to-the-top it is them. Why you ask? Becuase they are too poor to buy pink Tom Brady jerseys like all of New England did when they jumped on that bandwagon.
25.) Buffalo Bills (2-4)
They got a nice win against a mediocre team. Congratulations Buffalo. Go throw a party, becuase that is probably the highlight of the year, apart from Ralph Wilson's successful colonoscopy. I have to thank that team for making Mark Sanchez turn into the Mexican version of JaMarcus Russell. That was fun.
24.) Oakland Raiders (2-4)
OHHHHH, YEEEEAAAHHH!!!! That's what I am talking about. I love the random good win this team pulls out every now and then. It is always fun. I love it when the team they beat's fans get crazy depressed, everyone laughs at them, makes fun of them and the media calls them out. Won't they learn this happens every year. Oakland is only bad when they want to (which is quite, quite often), and when they randomly decide to get up for a game, they can beat anyone.
23.) Carolina Panthers (2-3)
I have given up on them. Sure they are good enough to not even be in the worst quadrant of the league, but they are done. They cannot beat the Bucs by more than a touchdown! Really? Sure they ran the ball in classic 2008 fashion, but Jake Delhomme played in classic 2009 fashion. I think with the stinkbomb of JaMarcus Russell and Mark Sanchez, people have forgotten just how miserable this guy is now. He has thrown 4 tds and 10 ints, and has a 56.8 rating. My question, how is the rating that high? Where are those 56.8 QBpoints coming from? Are they generating from the innards of his git-o-meter?
22.) Jacksonville Jaguars (3-3)
They are at .500, and below four teams below .500. And they should maybe be further below. This team had to go to overtime to beat the Rams; the Rams, the NFL equivalent of Weber St. That was sad. When they rolled down the field and took the lead, any team playing the Rams should not be giving up a 2 minute drill, and yet, they stooped to that level and did. They gave up a 2 minute drill to Donnie Avery and Co. Jacksonville cannot get lower, and I'm sure they will and I can't wait.
21.) Seattle Seahawks (2-4)
That was an awful performance after they suckered everyone in by crushing Jacksonville. It is odd that these two teams are next to each other when one beat the other by 41. That's life in the NFL in 2009. Seattle needs alot more than Hasselbeck. I have Super Bowl XL on DVD, becuase I love laughing at NFL Officials (Bill Leavy, you kid, you kid), but that team does not resemble the current Seahawks at all, and on paper this team is better. However, that O-Line was dominant. Alexander picked up 5 a clip easily, and we know that has nothing to do with him. That O-Line was great, and now that they are playing with their third string LT, it is the antithesis of great.
20.) New York Jets (3-3)
Ahh, the interesting life of an NFL rookie not named Flacco, Ryan or Roethlisberger. He was so, so bad in that game. I don't want to make this about race, but if JaMarcus put up a 5 int game like that against a bad team, he would be kicked out of the league on the spot. Guys like Chris Berman would excoriate him to no belief. The real Braylon Edwards has made his dramatic return, as more and more passes gratefully bounce of his jello hands and return to the earth below. The Jets are, and I'm serious, a cursed franchise. Its not really a curse as much as it is they got the greatest win in NFL History in Super Bowl III, and they now need to wait their turn. With the greatest win in history on thier side, their turn will come approximately in 2060. By then, Rex Ryan will be 1000lbs, and have eight Dunkin Donuts in his house, one in each bathroom.
19.) San Diego Chargers (2-3)
I want to put them lower, but I know in my heart that their second half surge will come. What makes me happy is that they have 4 games against good opposition left (DEN, NYG, PHI, CIN), and this team cannot beat a good team if they were paid double for winning (except against Indy - fuck you San Diego). Phil Rivers is a great QB, but he is surrounded by schmucks all over. His coach, his "star" RB, his average receivers and his steroid-induced overrated defense. If I hear once more how talented they are on ESPN, I will stop what I am doing, trek to Bristol, meet that motherfucker face-to-face and stab him with Chopsticks. They just are not that talented. It is the Patriots syndrome, where we just assume everyone on that team is good just becuase they are on that team. At least the Patriots won Super Bowls, so I can understand where that thought comes from. What has this team ever done. They are the 2000's version of the...... of nothing. There has never been such and oft-hyped team that has not at least won one Super Bowl.
18.) San Francisco 49ers (3-2)
I just do not think they are any good, and now that Arizona has gotten up from its power-nap and realized football is being played again, that division may be gone. I would have them about 10 spots higher if the just covered Greg Lewis instead of letting the Vikes win. Not that it would make them any better or worse of a team, but that it would allow us all not to be killed by this avalanche of Brett Favre-mania. Thanks alot, 49ers. By the way, I am totally sold on the wait-your-turn theory with them. They had the greatest run of success in NFL history, and now they pay with a run of bad teams, coaches and quarterbacks. Success comes at a price, San Francisco.
17.) Dallas Cowboys (3-2)
Why should they be any higher? They lost two games, and if the Chiefs had at least one player who remembered how to form tackle, they would be in the 20-25 range. They just are not good. That "three-headed monster" at running back is always hurt, and I still don't think Marion Barber is near as good as most believe. Tony Romo is continuing his descent to where he belongs, in the wasteland that is of the mediocre quarterback. Also, the karma Gods are totally against them now that they opened up a stadium which is, I may be a little wrong here, the size of Mongolia and can fit as many people as the whole Island of Jamaica.
16.) Miami Dolphins (2-3)
I still like them. That Wildcat has looked extremely good in recent weeks. It may be a gigantic gimmick in most cities (btw, why does everyone try to name the Wildcat differently, like the Jets call it the Seminole and Denver hilariously calls it the Running Horses or some shit), but the Wildcat is effective as anything in Miami. They run it brilliantly. Miami has come the closest to beating the Colts as anyone has, and that was with the worse of the two Chads.
15.) Baltimore Ravens (3-3)
That defense is violently average. It is the corners fault, really. However, that offense is really, really good, but something seems off. I thought coming in they would have the year after effect, with a patented 9-7. It seems like that to me now. They are a team that has the potential to be the best team in the NFL, but if Ray Rice gets hurt, I think that that offense comes back to mediocre level. That defense should probably become better as the season goes on, as they will adjust to the lack of an actual cornerback. However, right now, they are just an average team, and one that can beat all the bad teams, lose to all the good ones, cover the spread most weeks.
14.) Arizona Cardinals (3-2)Prediction: They will win the NFC West. Screw that "year-after losing the Super Bowl" theory! They are a good team, who lost a patented "weird Week 1 game that does not in any way indicate the future results of this team" and lost to the Colts operating on every level. They, in the meantime blew out two teams and beat a team that will improve over the year. I think people wrote this team off way too early, and I don't blame them since the media went apeshit over Mike Simgletary, becuase he loves the game. The Niners may play with passion, but they have Shaun Hill throwing to Josh Morgan and an overrated Michael Crabtree. That is many things, namely forms of comedy, but not as good as Warner (or even Leinart) to Fitz and Boldin.
13.) Houston Texans (3-3)
Prediction: This team will win 10 games. They are better than .500, and I really wanted to put them ahead. I can't do that yet, because some of this power ranking has to do with current play and not only future expectations. This team went into Cincy and beat a riled up Bengals team badly. They historically have played good teams well in the past, and lose random games, but the trend has reversed itself. This team crushes the teams it should beat (other than Jacksonville who should have won easily without Chris Brown's slapping incident), like Oakland, and barely lost to Arizona. They too had a patented Week 1 game like the Cardinals, and like them, they are going to the Playoffs.
12.) Philadelphia Eagles (3-2)
They are who they are, a team capable of beating anyone in the NFL at any time. Donovan McNabb can go off at any time. DeSean and Maclin can run deep and catch big plays all the time. That defense, when it wants, can harrass any opponent to death. Yet, none of this rarely happens. They are a fringe playoff team, definitely worse than the Giants, not obvioiusly better than Chicago, Green Bay, San Francisco and Dallas. That was a normal Eagles game last week. Remember last year, before they waxed Dallas 44-7 (in one of the most enjoyable experiences any non-Dallas fan can have), they lost to Washington and scored 3 points. I would never bet on them, ever. That is like gambling money on heads and tails.
11.) Cincinnatti Bengals (4-2)
Ahhh, the letdown game. After beating Pittsburgh and Baltimore, and escaping the city of Cleveland without obtaining a staph infection, like so many Clevelanders, they let down against a good team. I am still waiting for the yearly Carson Palmer and Chad monthly long hook-up that comes annually. It will be fun when it happens, as they will combine for like 700 yards in 4 weeks and 6 tds or something. I have them on a fantasy team together, and my opponents those weeks better start kneeling now, cause they will not show mercy when it happens.
10.) Chicago Bears (3-2)
This is a team that has shot itself in the foot in both losses. They outplayed Green Bay on opening Sunday night, and lost after calling weird fake-punts on 4th and 13. They lost to Atlanta after three times getting into the redzone and getting 0 points. You want to know the difference between the good and the elite: the Bears did that in one game, and the Colts have done it once all year. If this team stops commiting game suicide every Sunday, they can win that division. They are quite good on defense, even though they are now down to their 3rd string MLB. Maybe, just maybe, they are proving that Brian Urlacher is not the godsend middle linebacker that he pretends to be. All this means is that Urlacher totally deserved his ex-beau Paris Hilton. Just be glad they did not make a sex-tape.
9.) Green Bay Packers (3-2)
This team is great in every way. They have a stud QB, they have good receivers, they have an attacking defense that is getting better at the 3-4 every week, and they do not have the baggage that comes with a certain 40-year old QB who will break down in December and January again (mark my words). If they only had an o-line. Rodgers was sacked 4 times by the Lions (the Lions, as in a team that has four muskrats on their D-Line) and now is on pace to be sacked 80 times this year, an area that has only been inhabited by the great David Carr. It is never a good idea to be in the same sentence as that man. Either way, their blocking better improve, or it will be a long, long year in Green Bay. They are a good team, but I fear when they play the Vikings or Bears, or if they get to the Giants and Saints in the playoffs (teams with things scarier than muskrats on their D-Line - like MuskOx).
8.) New England Patriots (4-2)
Pin me as totally unimpressed by their 59-0 win. As has been said, they were playing the equivalent of Nichols St. and any self-respecting team should have been able to do likewise. Now, most self-respecting teams are also not-your-selfrespecting, as in they would not needlessly throw on fourth and six up 52 in the 3rd, or run an up-tempo 2 minute drill up 38-0 at the end of the half. Believe me, the top teams, like the Colts, Broncos and Siants are not all that impressed. I am not losing sleep over that performance. Their game just one week before (the loss to the Broncos where they failed to score in the second half) is more of the real Pats than that scrimmage they played on Sunday. Sadly, they get another scrimmage, this time in London (!!!!!), against the Bucs, so they'll probably set the 2 week scoring record, but none of it will matter when they play real competition.
7.) New York Giants (5-1)
We should not overreact to that loss. Sure they looked like icedancers on defense, weaving circles as more and more members of the New Orleans Saints ran by them, but that was against the modern-day Greatest Show on Turf when they were in front of a big crowd and in their first real statement game. They are, I hope to dear god, a better defensive team than that, and they should still wrap up that division and get a bye. However, Eli Manning still confounds me. It seems that he is no longer the QB who sprayed balls all over the place all the time, as he is confident and strong in the pocket. Yet, when he gets pressured, he immediately returns to the Manning that used to be the focus of New York's collective hatred. It is strange that he has not improved at all against the rush. Hopefully that will not harm this team, as they are a likable bunch and allowed America the grace of not dealing with a 19-0 Pats team.
6.) Atlanta Falcons (4-1)
They find ways to win games. Its hard to describe, as they were the same type of team last time. Matt Ryan never seems to have Manning or Brees type days, and Michael Turner is nearly as overrated as LT, but they win games. Other than John Abraham (who gives as much consistent effort as Jessica Simpson does to staying away from the buffet) they have no real playmakers on defense, and their coach is named Mike fucking Smith. Mike Smith, really, really. That is the most common last name with one of the most common first names. Really, Smith parents, really. That was a creative baby namestorming session.
5.) Minnesota Vikings (6-0)
I would love to rank them lower, but they are undefeated, and have beated two legitimate teams (San Fran and Baltimore) regardless of however sketchy and lucky those wins were. Obviously, there are some higher forces here. Brett Favre is throwing it up like most hillbilly QBs do (him, Delhomme, Cutler), but somehow his land in the hands of Sidney Rice and not other DBs like they have been for the last 10 years for Favre. It will happen sometime, but until then this is quite a good team. But even Vegas does not believe in them, as they are not being favored like most 6-0 teams would be.
4.) Pittsburgh Steelers (4-2)
I'm probably the only power-ranker in America who has Pittsburgh this high. And I don't have any apologies. They are this good. They can play with anyone. Those defensive struggles, I thought, were overrated, and when Troy came back, although he did not seem to be at 100%, that defense got its swagger back. This year, defenses have come to die, which is the total opposite of last year, but Pittsburgh seems to still have the best one at the end of the day. Ben Roethlisberger has entered a Favre circa 1994-1997 phase (when Favre was actually ridiculously good), and this team, in my opinion, is about to take off. They are the defending champs for a reason, and Mike Tomlin (the single coolest guy in America) won't let this team get complacent.
3.) Denver Broncos (6-0)
I totally believe now. Even though I thought, win or lose, this team was better than the San Diego BlackPittsofEmotions (a name that should catch on). Their defense is for real, and Kyle Orton is doing an excellent Brady 2003 impression (yeah, that's right, Brady stats were really, really pedestrian in 2003), and that was a Super Bowl winning act he is "impressing." They have far more talent than I thought defensively and that o-line is amazing. We all knew the run-block really well, but they have started to pass-block extremely well too. That will be scary. Thankfully for me, the Colts own them, but I still feel they are totally for real, and that Mike Nolan was the most important pick-up of the offseason.
2.) Indianapolis Colts (5-0)
I kept to my word from last week. The Saints went out and beat what I thought was the 3rd best team, and the Colts had a bye, so I had too. This team still can be every bit as juggernautish than the Saints, and although their offense is not quite as good and versatile, their defense will, in the end of the year, be beter. Reports are they will get Hayden, Sanders and Charlie Johnson (which would be like the old Ravens suddenly getting McAllister, Reed and Ogden) back, so this team should only get better.
1.) New Orleans Saints (5-0)
I said if they beat the Giants convincingly they would vault back to number one. I keepmy word. That was mighty impressive. They remind me of the 1999 Rams: an exceptionally explosive team in both running and passing, but with an underrated defense. That Rams team allowed jus 242 points. Now, this team is probably not as good defensively, but they are close. They can force turnovers, they can get pressure. They can play really, really well on that fast track. And the final similarity, they play in a loud dome. They Eddie Jones dome in St. Louis used to be a raucous dome, before you know, the whole team started collectively resembling a batch of bad diarrhea. The Superdome hosts the best crowd in the NFL, and it will be fun for us when people go there for the Playoffs, and a nightmare for that team that plays them.
