Tier 5: The Awful Guys
32.) Kerry Collins - TEN (36)
Honestly, had Vince Young been the starter, which I have been expecting for a while now, it would be the same team here at the bottom spot. Kerry Collins was a great story, but that's all. He was not a great QB last year. His stats were pedestrian, and now that the team has decided to stop playing becuase they are actively campaigning for healthcare (they better be doing something useful, since they did not do anything useful on the field), Kerry Collins true colors have emerged. As he aged, he lost that fastball he used to be able to throw, and all the years of heavy drinking and partying (I know, Kerry Collins, who knew the guy used to love Budweiser) have definitely caught up with him. All these factors have been brewed perfectly into that brilliant 2-12 for -7 yard day he put up yesterday.
31.) Derek Anderson - CLE (26)
He's still young, so there is that. But, he has no tangible skills to develop. God knows how he had that year two years ago. I think all of Cleveland knows what a fucking mirage that 10-6 year was. Rumor has it that Romeo Crennel actually ate the talent on that team, but if not he definitely waterboarded Anderson to give up his abilities (Romeo's scheme to get himself out of the hell wasteland that is Cleveland). Its sad to see what was a half-legitimate talent just die like this, but I'm sorry, when you go 11-41 in two games, and neither of them were in snowy blizzards (even then, that's pretty bad), its inexcusable. What is more ridiculous is that Brady Quinn cannot get on the field even with this schmuck in front of him.
30.) Jake Delhomme - CAR (34)
Ohhh, Jake. He of the 5-3 playoff record. He of the great hometown accent, and hometown grit. He of the unbelievable ability to throw interceptions. It all started in that divisional game last year. He wasn't all that great before that too, but he was at least mediocre (which is good enough for like 18 on this list). He was awful in that game, but we all gave him the benefit of the doubt, becuase he was so darn nice. That was a mistake. He legitimately looked like he feared for his life this September, but alas, he alienated the fanbase in Carolina so much they already disowned that team and moved onto to the Tar Heels. Go Ed Davis!!!
Tier 4: The Bad Guys
He too, like Derek Anderson, is young. He too, is not good. His stats miscast him as an average player, but we all know that is not true. That team has given up on him, and each week it seemingly hits a new low. He has, this year, led his team (which has a good RB, excellent TE, and a above average receiving corp) to 9 points against STL, 14 against Detroit and 16 against Tampa. That is what gets you here, below the two nearly god-awful QBs next.
28.) Josh Johnson - TB (23)
The management at Tampa (ha, that's a lie.... Tampa obviously has no management on that team, I mean Raheem Morris, really? Really?) has no faith in him, since they drafted a Josh in the first round just a year later in Josh Freeman. Johnson has looked semi-competent in his brief stint the past two games, but I'll use the Freeman draft decision to really evaluate him. Johnson was a second round pick. He had to be pretty bad to invest a 1st round pick, and 1st round QB money the next year. That seemed oddly analytical by my part, and I like that analysis. There is no evidence that he is worse than the fat tub of brine next, but that alone is enough to drop him.
27.) JaMarcus Russell - OAK (24)
He's fat. He sucks. He somehow has been the butt of more jokes than Ryan Leaf (no one, ever, ever, a fucking trillion times ever, will be worse than Ryan Leaf, but anyway). And yet, he's not worse than five other guys. He had a much better year last year in '08 than people will think. He was not as horrendous last year as the beginning of this year. In fact, he outperformed Joe Flacco in the second half of '08. People have to realize the conditions he dealt with when he put up three awful games this year. He was missing his best o-lineman (Robert Gallery), his best RB (McFadden) and his best receiver (Chaz Schilens. Honestly that is a guy, and remember that name when he comes back, and if your fantasy receivers suck (really suck, like worse than Collins suck) then pick him up). JaMarcus's ceiling is higher than most of the people immediately below him, but, even though I have tried to make everything all glass half-full, he has not shown any readiness to play to that ceiling. Also, he has not shown any readiness to stop eating. Put down the fucking ham sandwich, JaMarcus!! PUT IT DOWN!!
26.) Shaun Hill - SF (29)
He has no discernable skills. He does not have a great arm, or great touch, or great movement, or a great QB sounding name (there is a reason why Johnny Unitas was a great QB, and Doug Pederson was not. I mean, would you want Doug Pederson to be your QB? No, no you would not. Don't lie). Shaun Hill just wins games. He is 10-5 as a starter, and when you think he has not had the best of teams, has no great o-lineman, and overrated Running Back and very average receivers (Josh Morgan, anonymous fast black guy #2, small, shifty white guy #3 like a Drew Bennet of Kevin Curtis). He's a good "football player" as they say, which is code for a game manager who is not a great QB, but is competent enough to not get in the way of the better parts of his team.
25.) Matt Cassel - KC (27)
I wanted to put him lower, but he has shown signs of life the last two weeks. I'll go out and say this, when I do my end-of-season rankings, he will be below JaMarcus and that money that he got will be one of the bigger wastes of money in the NFL. He is nowhere near the QB he was perceived to be last year. Everyone went apeshit about him last year, when he was playing alongside Randy Moss (a guy that made Jeff "What the hell is a screen pass.... just go deep running back" George a probowler), and against a smorghesboard of absolutely godawful teams (STL, KC, OAK, SF, SEA, DEN, BUF). He was not worth it at all. Honestly, this was one of the bigger hoaxes of the century, and Scott Pioli's genius card should be revoked for byeing into the hype when he witnessed it firsthand. Yet, there are an astounding seven QBs worse than him right now and for the future, and that is purely depressing.
24.) Trent Edwards - BUF (25)
When are we going to get to QB who is actually respectable. Trent Edwards is the perfection of being average. He is not a good QB. He can throw the short underneath stuff, but that does not fly when both your receivers go deep all the time (one becuase he's fast, one becuase he's a bitch and doesn't give a shit what the route is that he is supposed to run). He loses to people that go 2-17 in a game. He gets replaced by some guy from Harvard and gets outplayed. That's fine if he replaced you in Trivial Pursuit or Backgammon. This is the NFL. That's cliche, but honestly Fitzpatrick probably integrated hydrocycloid's in college. I'm sure all of Stanford is mad, becuase it seems that Harvard is even better in producing NFL QBs now.
23.) Marc Bulger - STL (32)
He's fine if this was 2003. This is not. He is a shell of himself becuase his team could not protect him from a swarm of protozoa let alone NFL rushers. He has injured that shoulder, which used to be connected to a real, live arm. He is still capable enough to get you two wins a year, and maybe make a play every now and then. But, honestly, there is a big difference between him, and the guy right below. The only reason he is a starter is that he is owed alot of money, becuase that organization sucks ass at evaluating talent. There is also the reason of Kyle "I'm sorry Master Ray, I'm sorry" Boller being his backup.
Tier 3: The Upside and Average Guys
He has been Delhomme-esque the last three weeks, but he is still a rookie. Yet, I don't have the best feeling about his future. He has a spunk and a moxie that will help him in New York, but i'm not sure he is a physical specimen, which is required to throw through the tough wind and conditions in New York. I put him on this teir becuase he showed flashes that make him at least better than the guys above. He has some ability, plus he's the next Limbaugh special, in that "the media is desirous for a Latino QB to do well in this league" and that's true with him. Little Pablo Castro in Miami needs Sanchez to succeed, or he will never get a chance.
21.) Chad Henne - MIA (24)
Boy, was he really, really good in that Monday Night Game. This guy is 2-0 as a starter. Sure, it was against the Bills and Jets, but who cares. That still makes him better than the Sanchize. Honestly, they should trade for each other. Sanchez will be great in Latino-heavy Miami. I mean, their part owners are Gloria Estefan, Marc Anthony and Jennifer Lopez. They will fawn over the cute little latino that is Mark Sanchez. Chad Henne has the arm ability (and the life ability, being that he is not from California and went to Michigan) to play in adverse conditions. Come on, Mike Tannenbaum and Bill Parcells, make this happen.
20.) Kyle Orton - DEN (26)
He, like Shaun Hill, is a guy who just wins games. I find it absolutely hysterical that he was 10-5 as a starter as a rookie for the 2005 Bears, and Bears fans rejoiced when Rexy came back from injury. I'll bet you want a do over, don't you Bears. Actually, you don't since your QB is a little bit higher up. Kyle is a better version of Shaun Hill. He has skills. He has a good arm, and a good college pedigree. Purdue may be a weird school, and in the middle of nowhere, but it can produce NFL QBs. Josh McDaniel's knew what he was doing. Not entirely, since he got rid of Cutler, but at least he got this guy in return and not Cassel.
19.) David Garrard - JAX (31)
He had a nice little heyday back in 2007. He has his moments, like when he torched Tennessee a couple weeks ago (which now seems like it is not too hard to do). He is beloved by his players and his coach. And, he had Crohn's disease, so its hard not to root for him. He would be a real near-star if he played in a different market, say, San Diego or Dallas. However, I will always love him since he was one of the three black QBs in Jacksonville a few years ago, and the comedy in that was unending. In that note, thank you, Byron Leftwich and Quinn Gray as well. Actually, we have the reunion in Tampa Bay right now, with Leftwich and the Joshes, so the Jacksonville three look more and more like trailblazers. He has really good stats for his career, with an insanely low INT% (2.0) and a very yard-per-attempt (6.9) and average to good aggregate stats, like yards, tds and the like. He is the super-game manager, and if the rest of that team was better, he would be a perennial pro-bowler. However, they are not, and he does not have the ability to lift the rest of his team like most of the QBs below him.
18.) Matt Stafford - DET (21)
I know it is insanely early, but I like what I see. He has already created a pretty good rapport with Megatron, and has a great young arm. However, since he has played all of three games, I cannot honestly give you statistical proof of his upside, so I have to go a new direction. His name. I am a big supporter of the name theory: Great NFL players have names that are great names for NFL players. Sure Ed Reed is a great player, with great instincts and great speed and all that shit, but that is a baller name for a safety. Randy Moss is a great name for a WR. Stafford is a great name for a QB (although it would be better if it was Matthew Stafford). QBs often have the double letter in the middle of their names (Manning (plural), Gannon, Starr, Flacco, Theismann, Plunkett), and normal first names (except for Peyton, they are all common: Joe, Steve, Rich, Tom, Jim, Brett). Matt Stafford fits both, unlike our good friend in the beginning JaMarcus Russell. He will be great. Detroit might end up screwing him over, like New Orleans did to Archie Manning, but either way, this guy has a future.
17.) Matt Hasselbeck - SEA (34)
I love Matthew. He's funny. He has a hot wife (not Elisabeth, but Matthew's wife) and adorable kids. He is one of the most likable guys in the world. From 2002-2007 he had one of the best runs of the decade. He can still go off when he's healthy, and is a great fantasy option as a backup, but at 34 he does not stay healthy like he used too. He is still very talented on a team with talented WR's, and can put up huge humbers when he stays upright (2007: 4,000 yards 28 tds), but every other year since 2006 he's missed games. I love him, and I am stoked when he plays, but that O-Line is not very good. Bad o-line and old QB is not a good combination, but this guy made most of an opportunity, is a great leader, and many teams would love him for the twilight of his career.
16.) Brett Favre - MIN (40)
This guy is the opposite of Matthew Hasselbeck, other than they are both old. He's not lovable anymore, as he has shown himself to be a prostitute, available to the highest bidder. He has become a tyrant in his necessity to takeover the offseason with his ludicrous retired-unretired shit. Honestly, if I were a team, I would make my o-lineman go low on him, and end this national nightmare forever. It should be done for good. Everyone hates it, he has now become the equivalent of a cockroach in Green Bay, and he is now when of the most reviled athletes. However, after all that, he is a money-making machine (for himself and the franchise's revenue), and is a pretty effective QB in September and October. I just warn all my Viking fans to not print out Super Bowl tickets. He was 8-3 a year ago, and then reenacted the career of Akili Smith in front of our eyes for the next five games. It will happen again, he is 40 after all.
15.) Tony Romo - DAL (29)
I'm surprised he got so high, since he is as overrated as the sky is blue. But, that is the NFL today. He had one good year, and three awful ends of seasons. Thankfully, this year he has started to play badly before the end of the year. He makes some absolutely awful, completely asinine throws at times, like last year in the last game at Texas stadium when he could not stop throwing up punts for Ed Reed, and the first game in Jerry's house of self worship, when he did the same for Kenny Phillips. However, he has talent, and he can play a little. He is not bad in the game-manager type role, but we expect more than that from a guy who threw 36 tds two years ago. He has upside, but quietly he is getting up there in age and that is the difference between him and the other stat guys like Rodgers and Cutler. Romo has probably maxed out talent wise at 29, while the others have room to grow.
14.) Kurt Warner - ARI (38)
He's extremely old and even-more extremely fragile. His hands seem to be made of golden yarn, becuase they are soft, can fumble alot and have a tendency to get broken, but are beautiful. He is playing like Rich Gannon did in 2001-2002 for Oakland, which is a good thing. He is throwing short high percentage throws, and is not the same guy that once directed the greatest show on turf, but that does not matter. He can still win games. Also, he has at least one more year left, which we cannot say the same for Favre. That is the tiebreaker between the two gray-beards. Also, he's not 40. 40 is a long way away from 38. Two underrated facts about Warner, he only started to play major NFL minutes at age 28, so he has the wear and tear of a 34 year old in a 38 year old body. The other one is that he is a devout Christian, so he does not have those alcohol and sex related aging that so many others (see: Tony Romo, I'm sure) has. He can play, and play at a high level, as long as he wants too, and remains intact.
13.) Donovan McNabb - PHI (32)
He has stupid, stupid moments. No, not like admitting to now knowing about ties, but doing stuff like calling a timeout when he does not have any, and the tendency to play like crap every now and then. But when he is on, there are few better. He has the talent still to be a top-10 QB. What drives him down is that he has alot of mileage on that body, and has been injury prone. He was healthy last year (physically, not mentally), but got hurt each year from 2005-2007. He has had a very good career, and is the QB for Philly (shut up, Philly fans, the boy can play), but he cannot crack that last level anymore.
Tier 2: The Good Guys
12.) Matt Schaub - HOU (28)
He used to be only fantasy good.... and he is only fantasy good. But, he is fantasy brilliant now. He routinely puts up great numbers, and most of the losses, especially the two that were on failed goal-line stands, were not his fault. He played good enough for this team to be 5-1, and remember he does not play defense for that team. They are good enough to make the playoffs, and with him directing the offense, I will not bet against them in round 1. What puts him at the bottom of the tier becuase I don't think he has once led a fourth-quarter comeback. He has not been that good in close games, and has not willed his team to win like everyone has done before him.
11.) Eli Manning - NYG (28)
I can hear the screaming from the Giants fans. I understand it. He was the QB of arguably the greatest postseason run of all-time. Yet, he has a major, major flaw, and that is why I cannot put him higher. He is not good when he is pressured. Actually, everyone is not good against pressure. I'll rephrase that, he is awful against pressure. Time and time again he gets flustered when he is pressured, and suddenly loses that poise. He seems to never step into his throws when he is pressured, and that leads to alot of interceptions. I have to say that he has moments when he looks like a top-10 QB, but it is too inconsistent. Even with a great team performance early last year, he barely cracked the 60% cmp% (for the first time) and had a rating of only 86.4 That is a good rating if you are David Garrard (and a cause for a celebration if you are Shaun Hill), but when you were traded for Rivers, Merriman (who at least was good for a while... those damn steriods, ruin our best, most arrogant players) and Keading you better be really, really good. He got his super bowl, so he will be beloved like Namath, but he is nowhere near as good as that monster contract he signed.
10.) Matt Ryan - ATL (24)
He's a tad overrated. His stats were not all that better than Joe Flacco's last year, and he look flustered in that playoff game. However, he made the playoffs as a rookie, and unlike Flacco and Big Ben before him, he did not have an all-time defense to lead on. Plus, Tony Dungy compares him to a young Peyton Manning. Now, this is blasphemous in most levels, but when Tony Dungy says it, and Tony Dungy, if you have not heard, is basically seated on the Left Hand of the Lord so his word is gospel. He has a great future, and I will give him this: he was put into the worst situation outside of playing in Jacksonville, and has succeeded.
9.) Carson Palmer - CIN (29)
He's finally healthy. Now, he's played some good defenses like Baltimore, Pitt, Denver and Green Bay so his numbers are a little down, but he is back. He has one of the best arms in the NFL. He may not have the touch that some of those guys have below him, but he still can make throws if you tied up his legs and blindfolded him. He may be secretly aging (he'll be 30 come playoff time), so he won't improve talent wise, but his peak has already been reached and it is already really, really high. This man was once the clear number three in the league, then the Pittsburgh playoff game happened. I still cannot watch that clip. I'm sure had that not happened, they would have beaten Pittsburgh, and Palmer would be on his way to the hall of fame. That why I go to sleep and poke knives into my Kimo von Ollhoffen (sp?) voodoo doll. That guy changed the course of QB history. Thank god Palmer approached what he once was, becuase had he not, I would probably go out and kill Kimo.
8.) Jay Cutler - CHI (26)
The stupidest headline of the year has been the revising of the Cutler-Orton trade. Sure Denver is now 6-0, but they are doing it with defense. They would not be worse with Cutler. They probably would be better. Had the had Cutler, they say maybe lose one game along they way. I am sure the world would consider the 5-1 Broncos with Cutler better than a 6-0 Broncos team with Orton. The Bears scare people now, and it is becuase of this guy. He has all the physical tools, and is improving his game management skills. I'm pretty sure every QB who has even thrown for 4500 yards has become a star, and Cutler has just begun. For his experience (now his 4th year), he is still young enough to improve dramatically. Suddenly, I am getting really, really excited about the QB future of this league.
7.) Aaron Rodgers - GB (25)
Two QBs in the same division who will be stars. This guy may, just may, make people turn Brett Favre into a devil. Had Rodgers been a bust, Favre would continue to be worshipped. Thank God that did not happen. Bless you, Aaron. This guy is a better version of Matt Schaub, and that is him at 25 in his second year. This guy has more upside than anyone in the top-10, but he has not been good at all in close games. It is not all his fault, as last year he had what looked like striped lemurs playing defense, but he has to improve in crunch time. All that said, this is a bad, bad man. He has all the tools, a surprisingly huge arm, great accuracy and is, as said, still young enough to improve dramatically to Favrian levels (yes, I fucking said it).
6.) Joe Flacco - BAL (24)
Why is he above Ryan? Becuase he is better. He was as good for much of last year, especially at the latter half of the season, and he has evolved into a great, great QB this year. He has played well in close games. He is absolutely fearless under pressure. Much of that has to do with his being enormous, but still, he stands into pressure and throws seeds all the time. His arm is great, and not great like JaMarcus "I can throw from endzone to endzone" Russell's arm, but in a good way. He has touch, he has loft, he has arm speed, he is 6-6 so he has big legs (I've heard that helps). Also, he does not have the greatest weapons. Derrick Mason, Mark Clayton and the corpse of Todd Heap does not scare anyone, yet he piles up numbers. He is very good in close games, and has the moxie of a future hall-of-famer. Plus, he shaved off the unibrow, so we can finally take him seriously aesthetically.
Tier 1: The Great Guys
5.) Tom Brady - NE (32)
This is probably the shocker, but I feel absolutely confident. If this was a career retrospective, he's right behind Peyton, but it is not. I would not want him before the guys 1-4 in the future. He is coming off a major knee surgery, and ask Carson Palmer: no one ever comes back as good. He is quietly 32 years old, so he has peaked as a player physically. Finally, and this is the biggest part, he was never as good as this world made him out to be. 2007 was a mirage. It was the perfect storm, with the perfect receivers. He is still a very good QB, and his stats are most admirable even if you take out 2007, but he is not one of the greatest of all time anymore. The Brady - Manning debate is now pointless. Don't be fooled with that last game against Tennessee. Tennessee quit completely the second they got off the bus. Receivers were so wide open he could not help but throw TDs. Either way, this is my most controversial (well, after putting JaMarcus anywhere but last). He is a weird QB. His statistical success is not related to his team success (apart from 2007). When he was winning super bowls, and having more media members suck his dick at once than even Brett Favre, he was not all that good. His defense carried him. In fact, there are tons of similarities between his beginning and Ben Roethlisberger's first five years. Anyway, he's a hall-of-famer, he's a great one, but his best play is behind him. Winning Super Bowls is behind him, and he is not my first, second, third or fourth choice.
4.) Philip Rivers - SD (26)
He is easily better than that guy he was traded. His stats show it, his record shows it. Now, he has a talented team, but his wideouts aren't that great, and LT and Gates have a weird tendency to get their persons injured in the playoffs, so he does not have reliable targets. Why the world seems to always consider them to be the most talented team in the NFL astounds me. He however is really talented. His throwing motion is as jerky as Charles Barkley's golf swing (if that was a foreign reference, google Sir Charle's golf swing), but the balls get there. He is, surprisingly, one of the best down-field throwers out there. Above it all, he is only 26, and is getting better. Now, I would love to see him lift his team in a big game, but I feel that this Chargers team is soulless and unliftable. Phil Rivers is a stud though.
3.) Ben Roethlisberger - PIT (27)
He's finally putting up the numbers people seemed to think that he never could and he is still not getting credit. This guy has had the most impressive first five and a half years to start a career in NFL history, and it is not totally about that defense. He was 13-0 as a rookie. Even if the '85 Bears were your defense, you would expect a Mark Sanchez 5 ints fuck-a-thon at least once. Did not happen, until he played an all-time great team in the Pats. He then won two super bowls in four years, threw for 32 tds in a year, and became the second best 4th quarter QB in the league. He is totally fearless against the rush. Sure, he holds the ball too long and takes too many stats, but that also allows him to make plays no one can make. He is also young, and considering it seems like he has been around forever, that is an underrated trait. I would love to have him for the prime of his career, which he has not even reached yet. This guy has comparable numbers to Tom Brady through 5 years, and has the ability to do whatever he wants. He is insanely good, and it is really hard to put it into words. This guy has already locked his spot into Canton, and at this point history is his main competition. Now, after all that, there are two better QBs currently and for the future.
2.) Drew Brees - NO (30)
It is ironic the top 2 are both in their 30's, but that's how it is. This guy plays like a guy years and years younger, and alot of it has to do with the fact that he is so quick with his release, he barely gets sacked (about 1.2 a game). He is putting up what could end up being hall-of-fame numbers, and he is in the perfect system to do it. Yet, is he really surrounded by talent? I say, Drew is the guy raising the level of play of that offense. Marques Colston, Devery Henderson, Lance Moore, Jeremy Shockey, Robert Meachem, Reggie Bush, Pierre Thomas, Mike Bell, this is not exactly murderer's row. This is a case of a QB spreading the wealth, and finding the place that fits his abilites perfectly. He is innately brilliant with his reading of the field, knowing defense and all that shit. It is odd, because he is from Purdue, but it seems the BoilerMakers teach football IQ alot better than normal subjects (yeah, that's right Anil and Swath). He is not overly physical, so I doubt he will get alot worse in the next coming years, and those players around him will gel with him more and more. We may be looking at the second coming of the Greatest Show on Turf, and thank god he got away from the Black Hole of emotion that is San Diego. Great Job by the San Diego GM AJ Smith, he picked Rivers and Tomlinson over Brees and Turner: the NFC South thanks you. Drew Brees, the ultimate fantasy QB, and an underrated real-life QB in those intangible categories.
Tier 0: The Legendary Guy
1.) Peyton Manning - IND (33)
Anybody else? This guy, at 33, is playing the best football of his life. 2 of his top 4 targets from last year are gone, and were replaced by a Division 3 guy with a French name and a Mormon (that's not a joke, a real lfe fucking mormon), and all he is done is put up unconsciable stats. He is on pace fo 5300 yards, and the 3rd highest QB rating of all time (his 2004 season is number 1). He is completing a godly 73.5% of his passes. That's right, three percentage points above the NFL record. He is already a top-5 all time QB in the Super Bowl era, and now he is literally playing for history. He is already well on his way to a record 4th MVP, is my frontrunner for the Super Bowl, is finally getting the reputation as the best 4th quarter last minute drive QB in the league (which he has been the best for years anyway), and has easily passed Tom Brady in even the most homerish Pats fans minds. This is getting scary. I don't care if he is the oldest of anyone in the top-12, he's still the best. He is so cerebral, he should be able to still pile up stats and wins when his physical skills inevitably erode in another four years or so.
