Quick power rankings, as I will have the less-quick, more thorough Future NFL Hall of Famers pt 2 later today.
32.) St. Louis Rams (0-7)
I continue to feel bad for Steve Spagnuolo, but maybe he's a Cam Cameron "great coordinator, awful heaad coach" type. However, before I make that judgement, I probably should wait until his team has enough talent to beat Alabama.
31.) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-7)
I am still convinced they have the worst Head Coach in the league. (Preview: Head Coach rankings within the next week). I still cannot believe some people actually think an NFL team could work in London. This is a message to the NFL office: "An English Premier League team would not work in America. Why? Becuase it is fucking soccer, and American's hate soccer. Now, English people probably hate American Football even more. Why? Becuase they have their own form of football, one that coincedently is played using your feet." Also, what may not help is in the three years this London game has been played, we sent the 1-15 Dolphins to England, and now this Bucs team.
30.) Kansas City Chiefs (1-6)
I guess I was wrong in saying that this team has a pulse. I would say that this team was foolish for investing in Matt Cassel, but it would be hard to say that since their GM worked for the Patriots. Maybe he should have known that the guy would not be all that great when he's not throwing to the second greatest receiver of all time.
29.) Tennessee Titans (0-6)
That's whay byes are for. They actually gained a spot. The big news in Nashville is that Jeff Fisher wore a Peyton Manning jersey and quipped "I want to feel like a winner" before introducing Tony Dungy at a charity event. Now, that may very well be a dumb thing to do. But what is a dumber thing to do would be to fire him for this. He's one of the few coaches who act like they know what a smile is. My favorite part of this whole thing was this comment from Keyshawn Johnson: "Would Bill Belichick wear this?" No, you idiot, he would not becuase his team is not currently 0-6, so it would not make fucking sense.
28.) Cleveland Browns (1-6)
They continue to be the most boring team in the NFL. When the biggest news of the year is your coach fining a player $1,701 for not paying for a $3 water bottle, you are not having a good season. To think that fat-ass was once called the "Mangenius." I think it is fitting that the most boring team has the most boring name. Come on, Cleveland. A Color, really? I realized its really named after Paul Brown, but you ran the guy out of town, and his name adorns another teams stadium, so I think it is fine to change it to what your name should be anyway: the Cleveland Dawgs.
27.) Washington Redskins (2-5)
Let's do a quick check-list: They beat the 32nd ranked team by 2, and the 31st ranked team by 3. They are the only team to lose to the Lions for the last 18 months. Their coach has really no job to do, and their play-caller was calling out bingo numbers three weeks ago. I guess Dan Snyder's pocketbook does not get what it used to?
26.) Detroit Lions (1-5)
I really hope Matt Stafford comes back, becuase that team is helplessly pointless if not. Honestly, it is only becuase their name is not a color, but a ferocious manly animal, and the fact that their fans have a tendency to get their persons drunk and fight, and the fact that their coach is probably the single reason why the Tennessee Titans are now a joke, that they have not replaced the Browns as the boringest team.
25.) Oakland Raiders (2-5)
Ahhhh, life in the NFL in 2009. You can lose games by 38, 37, 20 and 23 and be the eighth worst team. That is what is great about this team. They have the talent, as seeing as they dominated a good Philly team last week, and were beating San Diego for 59 minutes and 30 seconds in the opener. However, every time the shoot to a motionless shot of Al Davis watching JaMarcus throwing a laserbeam right to the hands of a defender, I wonder what the old Al Davis would think. I'm sure the old Al would have fired the current Al, and then hired a gunman to kill him.
24.) Carolina Panthers (2-4)
I guess it is time to John Kerry on them again. They are not going to sneak back into this thing. They are toast. Jake Delhomme continues a brilliant Akili Smith impersonation and they just lost to the Bills at home by 11. Not even the Raiders would lose to the Bills by 11 at home. Thank god for DeAngelo Williams, because if not for his fantasy value, Carolina would have already turned to College Basketball last week.
23.) Buffalo Bills (3-4)
It is absolutely inexplicable how they have won three games. They won the last two weeks while getting outgained 839-463. What is more inexplicable is that Dick Jauron has been dead during all of this. It is all smoke and mirrors though, as they have benifitted from Mark Sanchez and Jake Delhomme turning into me playing QB the last two weeks.
22.) Seattle Seahawks (2-4)
They will continue to be dangerous to pick and pick against, becuase the Matthew and his bunch of receivers will throw up 3 td days twice a month. It makes no sense that they can beat a team 41-0 and then lose 27-3 at home. On the good side, rain season is approaching so they will now be the most depressing place in the world for 3 months.
21.) Jacksonville Jaguars (3-3)
They may be .500, but that is also crazy. They needed OT to beat the Rams, and beat the 0-6 Titans. Also, if you haven't forgotten, they have laid a Whale-sized egg in Seattle. That was the single worst performance in the year; yes, even worse than the 59-0 game by the Titans. At least there was some excuse (the snow, the lack of anything to play for), whereas the Jags were in playoff contention, and had a real chance to show they are for real.
20.) New York Jets (4-3)
Sorry, but I'm not going to give alot of credit for beating the Raiders in the Raiders monthly "don't-show-up-because-I-am-too-depressed-for-living-in-a-wasteland" game. That is no hard feat, just ask the Texans, Broncos and Giants. In fact, I may have dropped them. This is mainly due becuase Rex Ryan decided to criticize Mark Sanchez for eating a hot dog becuase he was feeling sick. First, why is Sanchez eating a hot dot trying to feel better. This is an Oakland hot dog, it probably made out of sewage, and Al Davis's bile.
19.) Chicago Bears (3-3)
What an awful performance. I think I am the only person who thinks that the Bears will still eventually win the Cutler deal. Soon enough, Mike Nolan will leave for a head-coaching gig, which he will fail at again, and that defense will go down again, and then you're left with Orton. So, it may be until 2012, but Bears fans, you will come out on top. (I don't really believe that, I just want to stop Bears fans from killing Cutler after his next 3 pick game).
18.) San Francisco 49ers (3-3)
Looks like they are who I tought they were. I really hope Alex Smith does well. He deserves it after all the flak he took. They are just not a good team, but Smith will make them interesting. I really think Singletary will be gone in two years. Mainly becuase, there are only so many times where dropping trou will motivate your team. And I speak for Patrick Willis when I say that "Coach, we have reached those alloted amounts of time."
17.) Miami Dolphins (2-4)
They are below a four win team. But I think they are that good. So far, they are 2-1 with the better Chad, their Wildcat is still fooling people, and their two losses on the road were against San Diego and Atlanta, two pretty good teams. However, above all that, the reason I believe in them is that they played the Colts and the Saints closer than anyone. They played point-for-point with two teams a combined 12-0.
16.) San Diego Chargers (4-2)
I'll give them credit for getting the job done. That was a nice performance by 52 of their 53 players. The one player who did not have a nice performance, and who should hang is face in shame and be forced to smell the combination of vomit and excrement, is LaDainian Tomlinson. What an awful performance. Your team gives you what seemed like 20 touches inside the 5, and you put exactly zero into the endzone. Honestly, I think I could get one touch out of 20 into the endzone.
15.) Dallas Cowboys (4-2)
Nice win, I still don't believe. Sooner or later, Miles Austin's Jerry Rice circa 1989 performance will end, and he will go back to being an average receiver. I feel that their running game will be done in by their collective fragility, and their offensive line is really, really shoddy. That was a good performance, but that was a really important game for the Cowboys to win. Jerry Jones may have cut the team on the bus if they lost.
14.) Atlanta Ravens (4-2)
I realize they lost to the team right above them by 16 just two days ago. I have only one thing to say: this is not Math. There is no transitive property of football. It does not exist. Just because this team lost to the Cowboys, does not mean they are a better team. For example, in 2007, the 18-1 New England lost to the Giants, who lost to the Eagles, who lost to the Seahawks, who lost to the Cardinals, who lost to the Ravens, who lost to the 1-15 Dolphins. That does not mean that the Pats were worse than the Dolphins. All I am saying is that, at the end of the year, when the Boys are 8-8 and the Falcons are 11-5, no one will care about this game.
13.) Baltimore Ravens (3-3)
They still are a tad overrated, but I would fear them in any one game. Their defense is a shell of itself from last year, but we all know that great band of "thugs and convicts" (Limbaugh's words, not mine) can bring the heat any day. Also, they have Joe Flacco, and he is reaching a level that few thought he would. They remain scary, but inevitably irrelevant.
12.) Philadelphia Eagles (4-2)
The lost to the Raiders, and they crushed Tampa, KC, Carolina and Washington. Big Shit. I'll wait until they play and beat a good team before I think of them as anything other than the fringe-playoff team they are. In totally unrelated news, DeSean Jackson is fucking awesome. That boy is like what Devin Hester used to be.
11.) Green Bay Packers (4-2)
They still can't protect the passer. Sure, Cleveland did not get one sack, but then again, unless you dangle a doughnut in front of Shaun Rogers he's invisible. It was great to see a Ryan Grant sighting. Before the season starts, I thought they would go 13-3. Now, I think they can reach that level next year, but if they get by Minnesota this week (and I hope to god they do) they will be my frontrunner for that division.
10.) Houston Texans (4-3)
I found someone who had the Stillaz at #4 last week, but I'm sure I won't find anyone with Houston this high. However, other than the two Colts game (and preview: I am picking them over the Colts when they play in Houston, unless Andre Johnson dies), every game they play is winnable. They are a good team, and the last two weeks showed us that they have some toughness, and unless Matt Schaub ruptures his hymen again, then this team is playoff bound, and a damn dangerous out in the playoffs.
9.) New York Giants (5-2)
I can't drop them that much further, because I give them the benefit of the doubt. They still are a good team, with great depth, but they have been hit by injuries, and they lost to two very good teams. Also, I won't fret about losing at home, since Eli Manning is way worse in the Meadowlands than he is at home. Brandon Jacobs is finally playing with some intensity again.
8.) Minnesota Vikings (6-1)
Tough loss, but I think this was one out of many more Brett "Holy shit, some black guy is running after me and a can't beat a paraplegic in a race, so I will just throw it up for grabs" Favre games to come. Adrian Peterson is an adonis, but that won't help them when the turnovers start piling up and Brad Childress starts becoming the overmatched fool he is.
7.) Arizona Cardinals (4-2)
What ever happened to that theory of losing teams in the Super Bowl are cursed. Sure Tom Brady got hurt, but that team still one 11 games, and now this will be three years in a row where the Super Bowl loser has a winning record. That was a mighty impressive performance Sunday Night. The old Cards would have lost that game 34-10 and Kurt Warner would have fumbled about 10 snaps, but these are not your old Cardinals (read: the 2008 Cardinals).
6.) New England Patriots (5-2)
I hate ranking them this high, because beating two opponents who have combined to win all of zero games by a score of 94-7 is not impressive. However, I will say this, when people feel underwhelmed with a 35-7 victory (as I and many others were with that game), that is a good team. I'm still not to afraid, and I still say that when they play an actual team, points will be harder to come by, but in some strange way, I am happy that the Pats are on top of that division again. Life is better when people hate them.
5.) Cincinnatti Bengals (5-2)
What team has three more impressive victories this season then this: win @ Green Bay, win vs Pittsburgh, win @ Baltimore, thrashing vs Chicago. Those are four good teams, and they beat them all. As I predicted, Carson and Chad went off, and this is the first of many games where those too will single-handidly win fantasy weeks. Now, I don't think Cedric Benson will keep this up all year, but I do think that defense will. This is a damn good team.
4.) Pittsburgh Steelers (5-2)
This is another damn good team, and the division race between them and Cincinnatti will be great. Quietly, they have won 4 straight, and are back to doing what they do best. They play defense, harrass QBs, and take care of business. Ben finally had an average game, but that Running Game is coming together and this team will only improve as Troy gets healthier and healthier. That is scary.
3.) Denver Broncos (6-0)
I think they lose this week against Baltimore, but since no team is going undefeated, that's not a big deal. I did not think they would beat Oakland, I did not think they would beat Dallas, I did not think they would beat New England, San Diego and now Baltimore. And Josh McDaniels' keeps throwing those fistpumps in my face. I hate to admit it, but I like McDaniels. He is no Bill Belichick clone, mainly because if he were, he would be the emotional equivalent of a stuffed platypus.
2.) Indianapolis Colts (6-0)
Hello, an actual schedule. As the year goes on, their thrilling win in Miami and thier beatdown of Arizona in the span of 6 days will seem more impressive, but they really have not been threatened by the Seattle-Tennessee-St. Louis part of the schedule. However, they have good teams each of the next six weeks, so when they run that slate at 5-1, then people will believe. It is scary how good they have been so far. Sure, Peyton seems to be playing Madden on "rookie" right now, but that defense is great too. They are on pace to score 477 points and allow 205, which would be the second greatest winning point-differential ever, behind the 1985 Bears. And yet, they are not the best team.
1.) New Orleans Saints (6-0)
They are. They won a game where Brees had four turnovers. How did they do that? Defense. It is not great, but they force turnovers, as they are on pace to have 48 takeaways. They are, and I cannot stress this enough, the return of the Greatest Show on Turf. They are absolutely unstoppable, and have a swagger that even if you play good defense, force turnovers and get pressure, they don't give a shit. They just continue to mow down yards, score points (they are on pace to shatter the 2007 Patriots scoring record), and force turnovers while playing good but not great defense. That was the recipe the Rams used to be the Greatest Show. This is going to be fun.
Playoff Projections (with record!!!!)
AFC
1.) Colts 14-2
2.) Steelers 12-4
3.) Broncos 12-4
4.) Patriots 11-5
5.) Bengals 11-5
6.) Texans 10-6
NFC
1.) Saints 14-2
2.) Packers 12-4
3.) Cardinals 11-5
4.) Giants 11-5
5.) Falcons 11-5
6.) Vikings 10-6
