I'm doing this because I have a 102 fever and I can't really do anything else, so let's go. Here on TBS (Fuck, that's not a good start).
8:06 - Craig Sager is reporting to start us off. He's wearing a purple suit/tie combo. Craig should really go back to those ridiculous multi-colored suits, because his monochromed suits are even worse. He reports that we are starting on time. Thanks, Barney the Dinosaur (because he's wearing purple, not because he's gay and extinct).
8:08 - The Yankees lineup gets introduced. They are starting Brett Gardner, Jorge Posada and Marcus Thames. Why were the Yankees even the favorite in this series?
8:09 - The Ballpark in Arlington is quite nice. It is cramped and intimate, and green, and that is just Hamilton's crack den in the bleachers (just kidding, I love Hamilton to death). The cameramen flash to a beautiful young Rangers fan. I'm pretty sure that that was not a coincidence. Colby Lewis, your Texas starter, used to pitch for the Hiroshima Carp. That's probably not a good sign, although CC loves Carp.
8:11 - Jeter up to bat. Grounds out. One pitch, one out. I running diaried 2 Yankees games last year, and they went 0-2. I probably should have just done this in the Twins series. Curtis Granderson is next up.
8:13 - Granderson walks. Robbie Cano is up. He's an interesting case. If he was on any other moderately successful team, like the White Sox, no one would give two shits about him. Since he's a Yankee, people lactate at the sight of the guys "sweet" swing.
8:15 - That sweet swing just popped out lazily to left field. A-Roid up. He's hitting a nice .176 in the ALCS. 2009 feels like a LOOONG time ago for the roid, who is absolutely fooled by a hanging curveball.
8:16 - The announcer whose name I don't know yet says "A-Roid usually doesn't miss those [the hanging curveball] when he's going good." I'm pretty sure he meant "when his steroid cycles are going good."
8:18 - Granderson is caught stealing after a bullett throw by Bengie Molina, who continues to hurt the Yankees more than steroid testing did.
8:19 - The first ad of the day: Fosters. Thank good that these ads are back. This one wasn't particularly good. Something about a gold digger. Either way, the world is a better place when Fosters is actively advertising on American television.
8:20 - Next up is Tace Bell's XL Chalupa which features Mariano Rivera, who has all the acting chops of Nick Cage on depressents (or as it is also known, Nick Cage on Tuesday).
8:21 - Phil Hughes, the man with the "exploding fastball" (as Ron Darling puts it), is pitching. That fastball was not very exploding-y when he was shelled like a lobster in Game 2. Elvis Andrus is the first batter up for the best offense in the MLB.
8:23 - Andrus starts off with a double, hit off one of Hughes' "exploding fastballs". Ron Darling will have to be our Tim McCarver for the night.
8:25 - Jorge Posada goes out to talk to Phil Hughes. It's been one half inning and the Yankees are already having catcher-pitcher conferences. They cut to Sabathia on the bench, who looks like he wants to eat Phil Hughes, or at least Hughes' leathery-glove.
8:27 - Hamilton, the real MVP of the AL is up. He's honestly the white Pujols at this point. Every pitch seems like it could be a home run. If that guy never touched drugs, he would have probably been the next Mickey Mantle. Of course, if he never took drugs, he wouldn't have been so fun or interesting. Also, he probably would have taken roids. Either way, he lines a base hit to left. 1st and 3rd, one out, Vlad up.
8:29 - Darling tells us that in this exact situation, the Rangers pulled of a double steal to score a run. Leave it to the Yankees to not be able to stop that, as they probably spend too much time kissing George Steinbrenner's monument plaque while getting hundreds shoved up their ass to practice fundamentals. Vlad grounds out, and the Rangers score. Good start for the Rangers.
Rangers 1-0 on Vlad's RBI groundout.
8:32 - It is early, but these TBS commentators just don't say enough dumb shit. Get on it TBS. Don't you know that's how you get ratings. Just look at ESPN. Nellie Cruz flies out, and one inning is done.
8:33 - Lexus' next idea is a car that never has an accident. I'm no consultant, but I would like to tell Lexus that that goal might be unattainable given that 80% of your drivership are Asian drivers.
8:35 - Now there's an ad for some product called "safetouch" which features two talking attic liners. This has to be what people do when they snort cucumber seeds.
8:37 - The Roid is robbed of a single by a leaping catch by Elvis Andrus. Oh, A-Rod, if only you were on roids, that would have cleared Andrus' leap. Fucking shame, ain't it.
8:38 - Lance Berkman is up. As another former Astro, my hope for this game is the Yankees lose 10-8, and Berkman hits two Grand Slams. Berkman flies out to Hamilton. The Yankees are batting with all the urgency of a team who has collective golf reservations for Four PM tomorrow.
8:39 - Swisher is up, and he's hitting .105 in the ALCS. This is the second straight year he has sucked perineum in the postseason. Ron Darling is telling us that Bengie Molina signs pitch and location at the same time. I would say something sarcastic, but for a Molina, that is actually hard. Not because he's Mexican, but because he's so fat that he barely can show more than one finger at the same time when he's crouched. That's a tight squeeze.
8:42 - UPS is advertising their ability by using a song hailing their logistics. I can't belive I am going to say this, but what happened to the white board guy. What, was he too corny? What can Brown do to me? He can bring back the whiteboard guy.
8:43 - The "Language of the Game" segment is brought to us by Foster's. It's nice that an Australian Beer is paying for ad time in a baseball, something they don't watch. That's like if Coors started sponsoring the 3rd umpire in cricket, or if Budweiser sponsored M. Night Shyamalan's next movie.
8:44 - David Murphy is next up. He was the guy who was infamously intentionally walked as the go-ahead run before Bengie Molina homered back in Game 4. On the bad intentional walk scale, that is one step above intentionally walking David Eckstein.
8:46 - Ron Darling offers up our first dumb comment, calling Hughes' change-up "like a Western telegram, you always know it is coming." Fuck, Ron, just because you are on TBS doesn't mean you have to talk like Ted Turner is your only viewer.
8:48 - Some Nissan commercial is backgrounded by Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries." Now, this is appealing to your Asian consumer base. Don't offer a car that doesn't get into accidents. Just play orchestra music.
8:50 - Jorge is up here in the top of the third, and immediately flies out on the first pitch. Maybe that golf reservation is for today at midnight, because the usually patient Yanks seem to be in quite a rush, because they have taken about as many pitches as Ron Washington has taken cocaine breaks. As I say that, Marcus Thames takes one pitch before grounding out. At least that is Marcus Thames. You can't expect him to take pitches.
8:52 - Colby Lewis got 4.62 runs of support per game. Phil Hughes got 7.56. That is why wins as a stat are about as important as "how many Molina's could you bench." Colby Lewis strikes out Brett Gardner. Again, its fucking Brett Gardner. What do you expect? Lewis still has a "0" underneath the "hits" column.
8:56 - Our first mention of "Lopez Tonight." Still no mentions of Conan's show. Does Conan realize that he just pushed Lopez's show to "tomorrow", the exact same offense that he accused NBC of trying to do to him?
8:59 - Mitch Moreland draws a walk from Phil Hughes. The Rangers' #9 hitter is more patient than 8 of 9 Yankees. Again, why were the Yankees such a favorite in this series?? Andrus grounds out, but advances Moreland. Fundamentals, bitches. Fundamentals.
9:01 - The camera pans out to the bullpens, which are draped with ads for JCPenney and Snapple. God, even the fucking bullpens are sponsored. What's next? Are they gonna sponsor the mound, the rosin, each bat. Actually, I cannot believe no player has sold his bat as advertising space.
9:02 - Jorge Posado comes out for another chat with Phil Hughes. They are going to intentional walk Hamilton. Not sure why that required a catcher visit. Phil Hughes throws a wild pitch on an intentional walk. My lord, are the Yankees about to give up this game. Joe Girardi comes out, just to slap Hughes, presumably.
9:05 - Vlad gets fooled by a curveball. Honestly, Vlad just hacks. How the hell is he a lifetime .315 hitter. It makes no sense. He swing is as loose as Bengie Molina is fat.
9:06 - Joe Girardi looks sad and depressed. Maybe he finally realized that this series is making us all realize that he had as much to do about the Yankees 2009 title as Hedeki Matsui's porn stash (callback alert).
9:09 - Conan ad! Conan ad! It was a boring one, with just him saying to watch his show. The Conan show will be great for one reason. His the pitiable kid now. All the big funny stars will flock to his show, kind of like how all the girls fuck the kid who's car was stolen, or some shit.
9:11 - Jeter grounds out to the pitcher, and Joe Girardi continues to look like he's watching Ron Washington do a line of coke off his wife's ass. I have never seen a manager who is only down by one run look as depressed.
9:13 - Granderson walks, again. I love how none of the Yankees who usually have plate discipline haven't taken pitches, but Granderson, who looks like he has a ferret up his ass, he's so energized, has drawn two walks.
9:14 - Cano hits into a double play. The Yankees still haven't gotten a single (word that rymes with "shit" - no way I am going to jinx it). E*Trade ad is on. The white baby and black baby are watching the ad with the wildebeest's mating. Can they go back to shankasaurus? Or the one with the dog and the baby hiding his computer under his blanket. Or something but two babies watching two wildebeests fuck.
9:17 - I shit you not, the next ad was one for "RainX wipers." Windshield wipers. Are normal companies that poor that the a fucking windshield wiper company can afford an NLCS ad?
9:19 - Phil Hughes is having trouble locating his fastball, as he throws four straight balls. He's also having trouble locating his barbershop. Cut your hair, Phil. You're not nearly as good looking as Tom Brady to make long hair semi-acceptable.
9:20 - David Murphy pops out in foul territory. Again: This is a guy who Joe Girardi decided to intentionally walk in order to face known Yankee killer (and patty eater) Bengie Molina. He's hit four home runs in his career against the Yankees. David Murphy has four career hits against the Yankees.
9:23 - Phil Hughes throws over to first base to hold Kinsler three straight times. After seeing his wild pitch on an intentional walk, I would not let Hughes throw the ball any more times than necessary.
9:26 - Phil Hughes is doing this "hold the baserunner" charade on an 0-2 count. How about you just get the batter out, Phil, instead of fucking around with Kinsler. It is for this illegitimate shit that I hate the Yankees.
9:27 - Phil Hughes throws over to first for the sixth time. There is a better chance Aly Hannigan comes charging through my door pulls my clothes off, and takes me to LA to have a threesome with her and....thinking about the second name as Phil Hughes throws to first one more time..... Lyndsy Fonseca (why not?!) than Phil Hughes picking off Ian Kinsler.
9:30 - GEICO brings out another ad that I hadn't seen before. The GEICO ad campaign history probably has a 20,000 word Wiki entry. Honestly, remember how it started? The first ads were just people mispronouncing the name "Gecko". Then it became cavemen, and Billie Jean King, in inflatable dolls and other shit. It is a museum unto itself.
9:31 - TBS cuts to Andy Pettitte and Cliff Lee back to back, the potential Game 7 starters. Lee throws up a mouthful of Sunflower Seeds. Pettitte looks so nervous he's mouthing out "Our Fathers". Even the Rangers' Game 7 starter looks calmer.
9:33 - A-Roid pokes a slider for a double to end Colby Lewis' no-hitter. Fucking A-Roid, breaking up no-hitters. I hope he gets vilified for life and exposed as a cheat for that shit.... Oh wait, I forgot that all of that already happened.
9:36 - The ball bounces on the ground and gets away from Molina, and A-Roid scores. The ball clearly hits Swisher, which is why the ball got away. If it was called like it happened, it would be 1st and 3rd, with one out. Instead A-Fraud scores a run.
Yankees score on a rigged-call 1-1
9:38 - The officiating in this postseason has been great compared to that shitstorm that was last year, but that was awful. That was so obviously a hit batter. Fuck the Yankees. 200 Million Dollar payroll and they need this type of borderline cheap shit to score a run?
9:41 - Colby Lewis has to calm down and get out of this inning. Although if I were the pitcher, I would go batshit that some fucking umpire ruined my shutout, and potentially cost us a chance for the World Series. Marcus Thames strikes out (shocker there), and we go to the bottom of the 5th.
9:42 - Here is an ad for BlizzCon, as in the Blizzard gaming convention. My Lord is that too much. Celebrities are showing up for that. So is Tenacious D. What, they couldn't get Nick Carter? Or RATT?
9:46 - Mitch Moreland is hitting .400 in the ALCS, or twice of what A-Roid is hitting. Now he's hitting more, as he gets on with a single right before the top of the order comes to bat.
9:47 - Phil Hughes is now throwing over to first trying to pick off Mitch Moreland. Good fucking Lord. Phil, your pickoffs are not that good. Ron Darling says' bunt it to Berkman, who is less experienced at first than A-Rod is at third." Yeah, cause Berkman's only played 1st base since 2005. You know, playing first base for the Astros is just like playing first base for the Yankees.
9:49 - Phil Hughes seems intent on trying to pick someone off. Elvis Andrus is going to bunt anyway, which makes Phil Hughes' sheninegans all the more unacceptable in this situation.
9:50 - Moreland is advanced to second, as we have a man in scoring position with one out. Good fundamental baseball, or rather, pretty much the opposite of what Nick Swisher just pulled off.
9:52 - David Robertson is warming up in the bullpen. Or let me rephrase that, the eventual losing pitcher if he comes in is warming up in the bullpen. Darling: "Catchers assume that pitchers will hit their glove." Yeah, I think after he threw a wild pitch on an intentional walk, Posada should not just "assume" that.
Rangers score on Guerrero double 3-1
9:55 - Vlad smacks a double off the wall which scores two runs. Two things: 1.) Ron Washington gets so excited when the Rangers can score a run. He looks like, well, a one-time crack user. 2.) Joe Girardi ends Phil Hughes' night and brings in Dave Robertson. Yeah, that's a brilliant idea, bring in the guy that was beat like Josh Hamilton's old crack dealer in Game 4 in.
9:57 - Craig Sager took his jacket off, to reveal to the world just how purple his shirt really is, in case anyone had any doubts. Nellie Cruz in, Phil Hughes out, David Robertson: terrified to death.
9:59 - Joe Girardi looks absolutely terrified. I can totally see him just retiring right after this game ends just to avoid the grilling he will receive the second he comes back to NYC.
Rangers score on Nellie Cruz homer 5-1
10:00 - That's why you don't fucking bring David Robertson into a game that is in the balance. I have to take a break, while I celebrate me being so prescient about David Robertson sucking ass.
10:09- We're back. Brett Gardner leads off with an attempted bunt. I'm pretty sure George Steinbrenner died again, seeing a Yankee bunt down 5-1 in the 6th game of an elimination game.
10:11 - Gardner grounds out. The Yankees have hit all of four balls past the infield. They have two hits. Jeter swings on the 1st pitch and grounds out (I should just shortcut "grounds out" to ctrl+5 or something - you know, save keystrokes).
10:13 - Granderson up, which means the Yankees might actually see some pitches for once. He sees four pitches, as Granderson flies out. Great urgency by the Yanks, who have nine outs left in their season.
10:15 - TMobile tells us that "kids are free" when starting a family network. My guess is that the kids are really only free for about two weeks, or ten minutes whichever comes first.
10:20 - Kerry Wood comes in, an inning too late. This is evidenced by the fact that Kerry Wood retired the side in less time than it took Phil Hughes to throw over to first. This series has definitely not been Girardi's finest moment.
10:23 - TBS is starting some show called "Glory Daze" about rushing college students. Not sure what demographic they are going for. I mean, do college kids watch TBS? Do mothers want to know what their kids are actually doing in college? this just seems like a bad idea.
10:24 - A-Plod swings at the first pitch, and flies out to left field. The Yankees always take pitches. I don't understand it. They were more patient against Cliff Lee who walks about half a batter per month.
10:26 - Berkman slams a triple. Odd that it is the ex-Astro who is having the best at bats in this game for any Yankee. Hopefully he scores here, just so they don't excoriate the nicest guy ever in NYC. Swisher swings at the first pitch, and flies out to left (becoming the 7th inning version of "grounds out"). Again, the Yanks swing at the first pitch. This is like doing everything they've done all year long, but the exact opposite.
10:31 - The "RainEx" ad is on for the second time. This is ridiculous. How much money is in the windshield wiper business that they could afford two ads during an NLCS game. Either that, or the ads are so cheap that a AirTran ad is next.
10:32 - Michael Young smacks a standup double to left field. The Rangers have hit five balls harder than any Yankee has hit any ball.
10:33 - They are intentionally walking Hamlinton. So far, Girardi has intentionally walked three batters. The result: 3-run home run, ground out, 2-run double. In a sport where an average of .333 is really good, I think the fact that the Rangers are hitting .666 off Intentional walks is probably cause to not intentionally walk anyone.
10:35 - Guerrero moves the runners over inadvertently. Girardi then decides to intentionally walks Nelson Cruz. Girardi has the balls of a goldfish.
Rangers score on Kinsler Sac Fly 6-1
10:37 - This series could have been 100% over. Now it is only 98% over, as Kinsler's sac fly gives the Yankees a shred of life. David Murphy is up. Girardi should intentionally walk him too, you know, just for symmetry.
10:39 - Girardi now looks like he just saw his daughter in a porno as he stares desperately onto the field in disbelief that his 200 million dollar payroll cannot do shit against the immortal Colby Lewis. Another loud out as Kinsler flies to right. This game is still pretty much over, but it could have been, you know, actually OVAH.
10:41 - We get the first Men of a Certain Age ad. That was a fantastic show, and not only becuase Ray Romano's daughter in the show has this kind of a "secretly cute" look going. Hopefully she didn't go dye her hair orange, or get a lip ring over the offseason.
10:43 - The Rangers are now 6 outs away, as Colby Lewis is still pitching. It should be 6-0, if not for that blatant missed call, but now that the Rangers have taken it out on the heads of Phil Hughes and David Robertson, I can begin to forgive the home plate ump. In related news, Lewis strikes out Posada on three pitches.
10:45 - Darren Oliver is up in the bullpen. If your remember, he was the guy who ruined the running diary last year when he blew Lackey's 4-0 lead in Game 5 of the ALCS. In related news, "strikes out on three pitches" has become this innings "flies out to left" which became the previous innings "ground out." Maybe next inning, it will be "caught stolen after hit by pitch" or "eaten by CC Sabathia."
10:47 - Ernie Johnson asks "Do you go automatically to Neftali Feliz in the 9th." Considering that Neftali Feliz has a worse "deer in the headlights" look than Bambi's mother, I think you don't. Brett Gardner is walked. This is the exact situation of Game 1, where Gardner started a rally.
10:50 - The Godfather (Derek Je-tuh) strikes out to end the 8th. Derek Jeter at least gets to go home to Minka Kelly tomorrow. Colby Lewis probably has to go home to Matsui's porn stash. 3 outs away.
10:53 - The first NBA ad!!!! Actually, who gives a shit, since LeDelonteFuckedYourMom and Bosh and Wade conspired to fix the league so they could shit around with other. There is no point of a league where the star players would rather team up to win then try to man up and beat each other.
10:55 - So, Ron Washington admitted to taking cocaine in March, and Josh Hamilton used to do lines all the time from 2002-2005. I'm thankful that both have cleaned up their lives, but I guess the message for America is: Don't take crack, unless you have prodigious baseball skills.
10:58 - Mariano Rivera is pitching in this game for some reason. I may not be that great at math (actually I am damn good at math), but being down 6-1 is NOT a save situation.
11:00 - Mo, shokcingly, gets out of the 8th without giving up a run, setting up the ninth inning. Here's the situation. Neftali Feliz will mooch the last three outs of Colby Lewis' mastery, and the Yankees will return to gotham without the ticker-tape parade this time (except for the ticker tape parade in Jeter's bedroom).
11:02 - American Airlines just had an ad, with their great tagline of "We know why you fly." Unless you think I fly because I like to eat stale food, drink maximum of one coke, sleep under a toilet paper roll knitted together, and not watch the in-flight movie because the tvs aren't working, then no, you don't know why I fly, at all.
11:05 - Feliz strikes out the first batter. TBS cuts to a shot of a glum CC. He's probably only sad because he is pitcuring all the champagne the Rangers are about to spew all over the clubhouse and that he can't mooch some into his belly.
11:07 - The not MVP grounds out to first, and A-Bitch (I couldn't think of another rhyme for "rod"), the guy who once had 50% of the Rangers payroll to himself, is the last out. Poetic that it would end this way.
11:08 - One strike away, as A-Fucker cannot catch up to Feliz's 100 mph heat without the help of clear and cream.
11:09 - A-Dick goes down looking, and the Rangers hogpile it up. So at least one half of the World Series will be fresh. This world series will be great either way. Either Oswalt vs the funnest team in baseball, or the Giants vs the funnest team in baseball.
11:10 - That was fun. Seeing the Yankees crumble was all time. I'm guessing Josh Hamilton, he of the .600 OBP for the series, will be your ALCS MVP. Next postseason, I'm running diarying all Yankees postseason games. See if this can get them to lose to the Twins. Thank you for staying along for the ride (I realize that makes no sense, since you're reading this hours later - but my head isn't totally clear after three hours of diarying while fevering). See y'all later (in the World Series, if Oswalt is pitching).
