It's that time of the week, to unleash my newest power rankings, along with my newest round of discrediting the Patriots and acting as a Colts apologist (although I try not to do either of those things, I obviously fail at them, tremendously). On to the rankings.
32.) San Francisco 49ers (1-5)
This is what happens when you lose to a winless team after trailing by 7 points with two minutes left. They stink. Mike Singletary is just so overmatched in every way. Needless to say, he will be far down on my coach rankings that come out in four weeks, assuming he is even applicable to be on that list. The fact that David Carr vs Alex Smith is even a QB controversy is more sad. If you want a real laugh, go to pro-football-reference.com and look at how amazingly good the 49ers were from 1983-1998. It is scary. What's more, they haven't had a winning season since 2002.
31.) Buffalo Bills (0-6)
That was a really nice performance. I thought they would cover, but I would never have imagined that they would be up 24-10, let alone take the Ravens to overtime after falling down 34-24. Ryan Fitzpatrick might be better than what I thought. His best skill is that he actually uses the guy known as Lee Evans as a target. Trent Edwards avoided Lee Evans like Evans had contracted SARS. The Bills really have to start to use CJ Spiller more. That defense is still as awful as ever, which makes most of this Fitzpatrick buzz meaningless.
30.) Carolina Panthers (1-5)
Nice win, but they beat the 49ers, which doesn't say much. Matt Moore looked confident, which is more than he has before his benching. He definitely seems to be better than Jimmy Clausen, which, again, is not saying much. The Panthers might go on a run a la last year (finishing 8-5 after starting 0-3), but I seriously, seriously doubt it.
29.) Denver Broncos (2-5)
Man, did that performance put a smile to my face. For 15 months I have been crying to the masses about how bad Josh McDaniels is. I'm guessing that coaching the worst loss in team history qualifies as "bad." McDaniels drafting has been ghastly, and the only thing that kept him in the good graces was the fact that he could coach offense. Well then, how's that for offense. McDaniels is now 1-2 against the Raiders, and 1-2 in Denver against the Raiders, as well as a pretty 0-4 in home divisional games. The Broncos used to be one of the best home teams in the league, now they are among the worst, home or away.
28.) Detroit Lions (1-5)
If Stafford comes back, and stays healthy, then they could see a nice rise. Megatron will be happy to see Matt Stafford back in the fold, as will Jahvid Best, who has seen his production dip tremendously without Stafford back there to keep defenses honest. Their defense has to get better, though, which has not happened in the back end, or against the run.
27.) Arizona Cardinals (3-3)
This is probably the worst 3-3 team of all time, despite beating the defending champs (which doesn't seem to be all that hard these days). Max Hall or Derek Anderson, it really doesn't matter, this team is awful. Also, if I were Ken Whisenhunt, I would never allow my team to return a kick, ever again. They fumbled not one, but two of them. If not for their league average defense, this team would be sorry. I realize that Matt Leinart probably was not the long term answer, but he's a better short term answer than either Derek Anderson or Max Hall (although there is a non-zero chance that Max Hall is a better short-term and long-term answer).
26.) Jacksonville Jaguars (3-4)
I hate this team with a passion, because they are the worst frauds ever. The essentially serve as a walkthrough for every other team in the NFL save for the Colts (and the horrible Bills and Broncos). Todd Bouman played nice (for a player who has not played since 2005), but what he really exhibited was that he has a hot wife. Even though I was watching on RedZone, every time they cut to the Chiefs/Jags game and Todd Bouman did anything notable, they cut to Bouman's cute wife. Those past 5 football-less years probably weren't all that lonely for Todd, I guess.
25.) Dallas Cowboys (1-5)
Isn't this fun. The Cowboys having two less wins than the Raiders, Cardinals and Rams, and three less than the Seahawks and Buccaneers? That's A Bingo!! The Cowboys honestly aren't this bad, but without Romo they are. I would just put Romo on IR if I were the Cowboys. What is the point of having Tony for max 4 games if the team is 4-8 (best case scenario) when he comes back. Needless to say, I'm guessing they get flexed out of that pretty Week 14 Sunday Night Game against the Eagles, which Jerry will love. I would pay a lot for that phone call by Goodell. "Hey, Jerry. I know you paid billions for that orgasm of a building you play in, but yeah, there is no way we're putting your stank ass 3-9 team on Sunday Night Football. Thanks."
24.) Cleveland Browns (2-4)
That was a nice win, and what I really loved about it is the Mangenius (I think he's earned the nickname again) pulled out all the stops in effort to win the game. Starting with the pitchback on the first punt return, then the fake punt that went for 60 yards, then the going for it on fourth down. Everything was perfectly orchestrated. Against the coach who was deified for his "ballsyness" in the Super Bowl, Mangini uber-balled him in that game. Well done. By the way, Eric Mangini has lost a shit ton of weight. He looks like CC Sabathia ate him to drown his sorrows after losing the ALCS.
23.) St. Louis Rams (3-4)
That was a heartbreaking loss. Thankfully, they covered, which meant I wouldn't have had to relive the Buccaneers screwing up another sporting event for me (there was that Super Bowl. You know, the one where the Raiders center got muy smashed before the game in Mexico, and the Raiders lost when Rich Gannon threw about 700 interceptions). Sam Bradford didn't have his greatest day, and neither did Steven Jackson, but what the hell is up with that defense? The Rams had the second worst scoring defense each of the last three years, and now they are tied for seventh (and that is with Detroit's 44 point explosion skewing things). Steve Spagnuolo, I knew you were a God.
22.) Oakland Raiders (3-4)
Fuck Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fuck the Broncos. Fuck Josh McDaniels and his cumstained sweatshirt, and his way of thinking he's smarter than everyone just because he used to give Belichick lapdances and shit. Fuck his inability to draft anyone who can do anything on the football field, and thank God for his great propensity to trade anyone on his team marginally good so he he can coach with a team bereft of any true talent (which obviously is his whole goal). The guy rode another mans defense to an 6-0 record last year, and since has gone a sprightly 4-13. Of course, Mike Lombardi still thinks McDaniels shits gold tulips and pisses Bud Light, but fuck him too. (and end vulgar, Raider fan rant). Actually, fuck that. A special part 2 of my NFL Raps (part 1: http://loungingpass.blogspot.com/2010/05/yall-act-like-youve-never-seen-me-do.html) about the Raiders epic rape of the Broncos will come later this week.
21.) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-2)
How nice, the two teams that competed in Super Bowl XXXVII are right next to each other (just because neither team has won a playoff game since doesn't mean it didn't happen). Josh Freeman just wins games!!!! He's like the new Steve McNair (and Rush Limbaugh nods in agreement). Actually, the more I watch Freeman, he reminds me of an Eli Manning/Ben Roethlisberger. He has the escapability and the gun for an arm of Big Ben, and the ability to play like ass for 55 minutes and turn it on in the last 5 of Eli. He's impressive. By the way, as you can see by this rating, I do NOT agree with Raheem Morris that he has the best team in the NFL.
20.) Cincinnati Bengals (2-4)
I'm done with them, but I can't put them any lower. My God, can they just fucking play a full game for once. Either they win ugly, and in which case everyone calls them frauds (for doing the exact same thing the Pats have done for two straight weeks - win ugly), and criticizes Palmer for putting up pedestrian stats. The other option: play like shit on defense, but have Palmer play well, for which everyone will criticize him for only putting up numbers in garbage time (nevermind the fact that it was because Palmer played well that the Bengals were able to, you know, actually take the lead in the 4th quarter). They are uneccesarily reviled for reasons I don't truly understand. Anyway, in the AFC, their season is about done, but they can be big spoilers in deciding the fate of the AFC North.
19.) Seattle Seahawks (4-2)
In Qwest, they are about as safe of a play as any team in the league. Their defense has somehow become great by upgrading just the head coach (Jim Mora Jr. must really suck), and Matt Hasselbeck looks like Jeff Garcia, circa 2003. Not sure if this is a good thing, but luckily for the Seahawks, in the NFC West, that makes him the best QB in the division. The trade for Marshawn Lynch looks like gold, as does the drafting of Earl Thomas, who has finally ended a long string of DBs from Texas to disappoint as rookies in the league. The Hawks will probably be underdogs when they host their playoff game in round 1, but Qwest at least will be rocking.
18.) Kansas City Chiefs (4-2)
Very nice win. If they are serious about winning that division, then they have to take care of business against beatable teams. They did that in spades (although the Jags were in that game for a lot of it), ruining whatever hope the Todd Bouman experience had (probably not that much). Matt Cassel has put together two good games against bad competition, but it will at least give him confidence. The Raiders are really the key to the AFC West. If the Chiefs sweep them, then hand the Chiefs the division. If they split, or get swept, it gets interesting. The Chiefs defense has to play better though. Giving up 20 points at home to Todd Bouman is unacceptable, no matter how hot Mrs. Bouman is.
17.) San Diego Chargers (2-5)
They can't keep losing in excruciating ways forever, right? I won't talk about the two horrendous fumbles, or anything else. This team is talented, and if they sneak into the playoffs, so help me God if they knock off the Colts at 8-8 again, so for that, I hope they don't win that division (or have to play Pittsburgh in the playoffs, since they have no chance of winning in Heinz). Let's talk about the end of the game. After stopping the Pats on 4th down, they had 1:55 left, and all three timeouts from midfield, against a defense they had shredded in the 4th quarter. What was with essentially playing for overtime? Your kicker is Kris Brown, who is shoddy at hitting extra points. The Chargers first play gained 15 yards, and then, just 36 yards away from the end zone, they proceeded to take thirty seconds before running their next play. Urgency? If the QB was Manning in that situation, you just know they would have scored a game winning TD. That's the difference between Manning and Rivers.
16.) Chicago Bears (4-3)
Why do I have them this high after back to back home losses? I'm not quite sure, other than the fact that they really should have won that game. First, they had 1st and Goal from the 1 up 14-10. Jay Cutler should have scored on the sneak he fumbled on, which would have made it 21-10. Instead, they don't score, and Cutler then drives them to the red zone where he throws a pick six, making it 17-14. The Redskins couldn't do anything offensively, and if Lovie just challenges that Cutler QB sneak, then the Bears are sitting here today at 5-2, in first place, and all is well. They are a mediocre team, but in a mediocre division, that might be enough to be in until December.
15.) Miami Dolphins (3-3)
They weren't robbed at all. First of all, the ref's decision on the review was absolutely right. Since they blew the play dead (since they thought it was a referee), the refs pretty much negated the ensuing scrum, as no one had possession at that time, and possession cannot be gained in a scrum after the play is blown dead. Gene Sterratore had no choice. Also, it is not like the game would have ended. This is the biggest myth since the Tyree catch (which if incomplete would have resulted in a 4th and 5 from the Giants 42). The Steelers had 2:30, and all three timeouts, and if they stopped the Dolphins (who would have taken over at the 20), could have gotten the ball back before the 2 minute warning and driven down and scored again. Also, The Dolphins still had 2:20, and two timeouts to score a game winning field goal after that. The Dolphins weren't robbed. You want robbed? How about the fucking Tuck Rule? Is that robbed enough for you, Dolphins' fans?
14.) Philadelphia Eagles (4-3)
Mike Vick will be the starter when Indy comes to town in two weeks. This should make the Eagles fans quite happy, and make Colts fans really happy. I really doubt the Colts are going to lose to Michael Vick, who will not find lanes to throw against a cover-2. Have fun, Michael. Either way, that was a bad loss. They were up 9 with the game seemingly in hand, and then Kerry Collins turned into, well, Kerry Collins of 2000-2002. It is fun when old, aging QBs have these magical games every once in a while. Also, what happened to that defense of Philly's. They were nice against the run, but only three sacks against Kerry Collins, who has the movement of the Lincoln Memorial?? Come on.
13.) Minnesota Vikings (2-4)
They have to win this game (not really, since the NFC is average), and I think they have a chance. First of all, this Favre ankle stuff is a non-story. Neither injury is all that bad, and are generally described as "sprains" as in "things that Favre will definitely play through." If Favre just doesn't try to make throws on the lateral run, and just tunes out that Rick Mirer, Jeff George, Aaron Brooks gene he's developed (but tuned out for 17.75 games last year), the Vikings are a good team. That was a tough loss, especially since the Shiancoe TD that was overturned was an alarmingly bad call, as well as s nice way for the Pack to finally beat Favre. Also, this whole Chilly/Favre feud is ridiculous. They'll be fine if they start winning, and they are good enough to do just that.
12.) Washington Redskins (4-3)
Nice stolen win, there. All of there wins have been unimpressive, but they have beaten three other 4-3 teams, which I am pretty sure gives them the record for most wins over +.500 competition. The Redskins passing game seemed to regress against the Bears after weeks of steady development, and their o-line was harrassed again. What is great is that Ryan Torain has now put up two solid games. Going for 100 yards against the Colts is not that impressive, but doing it to the Bears certainly is. I'll take that production any time for my running backs. Albert Haynesworth also finally did something. I guess Shanahan's little motivational games may have worked after all (or they avoided getting five previous weeks of this type of production from Big Al).
11.) New Orleans Saints (4-3)
That was an abortion of a loss, really. How can you let a punter run for 68 yards? A Punter? Every Saints ridiculous loss is so damn infuriating. They decided to play like worldbeaters in the Super Bowl, but can't beat the fucking Browns at home? In 2009 Drew Brees threw for 10 interceptions. He didn't throw a single pick in the entire postseason. Now he throws two pick-sixes to David Bowens? Fuck him and that team. I'm glad they won a Super Bowl for New Orleans, but at least act like the defending Super Bowl champs, not some 8-8 type team. How the hell could they lose to Max Hall and Colt McCoy, but could beat three hall of famers back-to-back-to-back last postseason. How? Tell me? And fuck yes, I am still bitter.
10.) Tennessee Titans (5-2)
I doubt Kerry Collins to Kenny Britt puts up a game one third that successful the rest of the year. That was amazing. I had Britt on my fantasy team, which made it all the more amazing. Just an astoundingly good performance on all levels for that duo. However, what has gone wrong with Chris Johnson. He's on pace for 1515 yards, which is impressive, on 372 carries, which makes it less impressive. He's easily been the disappointment of the season. I mean, coming into the year, he was all ready to rush for 3,000 yards while wearing Flava Flav's clock on gamedays, and now he can't top 4.1 yards per carry. At that pace, he'll need a easily attainable 610 carries to achieve his goal of 2,500 yards. I think it is time for anyone named Johnson to shut up about attaining stats or success, unless that person is named Andre Johnson.
9.) Green Bay Packers (4-3)
They needed that win, and although they didn't play overly well, it was deserved. Aaron Rodgers seemed totally off most of the night, and threw two horrible interceptions, but such is life. For all the talk about Favre throwing picks, Rodgers has already thrown 9 after throwing just 7 all of last year, which was a totally unmatchable fact (one that I predicted in my mid-offseason 10 predictions - don't go check, since some of those other predictions have come out, how do you say, very wrong). They should get Ryan Pickett and Al Harris back at some point, which should shore up that defense, but they have enough ability to still be dangerous while those two get healthy. I will say that the loss of Jermichael Finley may hurt Rodgers more than we thought.
8.) Houston Texans (4-2)
Time to get your payback for embarrassing the Colts in Week 1, boys, but I still like you guys as a team. Matt Schaub has finally shed that "always gets hurt" label. Sadly, his linebackers can't stay healthy (or off steroids) as now DeMeco Ryans is out for the year. Don't fear, that offense is good enough to get this team to 10-11 wins, which is what they need to get close to a playoff spot. The Texans aren't going to wrestle away that division like everyone and their mother thought they would after their 3-1 start, but they still have a shot to make the playoffs for the first time ever.
7.) New England Patriots (5-1)
I'm sorry, I can't take a team that needed two turnovers handed to them (in Goodman's case, literally) to barely beat a team missing its top two receivers, and rely on Patrick Crayton. I'm sorry, I just can't. What is funny is they might end up with 12 wins (although I am nearly sure they lose to Pittsburgh and Indianapolis). They might make the playoffs (although what is good is this year, they are not a lock to get the division, and strangely, the Belichick-Brady Pats have never qualified for the playoffs as a Wild Card), which ruins my "Patriots won't make the playoffs" preseason prediction, but I guarantee they don't win the Super Bowl. Not with that offense and defense. Their offense is so not that good without Moss. They have no deep threat at all.
6.) Atlanta Falcons (5-2)
Nice win over a desperate team. Roddy White played like the best receiver in the NFL (or at least NFC), and Matt Ryan just continues to grow as a player. Their defense also played well, and more than well against the run. That was one of the more impressive Falcons performances of the year, given the context of the team they are playing. Also, they really should get a bye in the NFC. Other than the one NFC team not yet named, I don't see how any other NFC team gets fewer than 5 wins, which means all they have to do is finish 7-2 to get to 12, which given their schedule, is not impossible. Finally, Fuck Matt Ryan for not throwing one more measly yard. Him finishing at 299 cost me a win in fantasy (I tied a guy 149-149, 300 yards gives me five extra points). Fuck Matt Ryan for his inability to throw one more quick hitch to Roddy White.
5.) Baltimore Ravens (5-2)
At least they held on to the win. How do you blow a 10 point lead with 6 minutes to go to Ryan Ftizpatrick. Here is two positives for the Ravens. With the possible exception of LaDainian Tomlinson, the most impactful offseason signing has to be Anquan Boldin. He's been amazing for the Ravens this year, absolutely shining without Larry Fitzgerald on the other side. Why Flacco couldn't throw it to him once in overtime of the Pats game I'm not sure. Also, it is great to have Ed Reed back. One game, two more interceptions. No wonder why this guy will be a first ballot hall of famer when he retires, which could be all too soon given his proclivity to retiring young. Enjoy every game you get to watch Ed Reed, because we are all witnesses to one of the 10 best safeties ever.
4.) New York Giants (5-2)
I thought about putting them at three, but I can't since the team right above them beat them like a Timpani in Week 2, and they nearly were dumb enough to let a team QBed by Jon Kitna come back in that game. However, their offense looked amazing. Unless DeMarcus Ware, Jay Ratliff and Anthony Spencer all tore clavicles as well, that was one of the best performances I've seen by an offense all year. They could do whatever they wanted. The Brandon Jacobs/Ahmad Bradshaw running game looked like old times. That was vintage 2008 Giants, with the added bonus of the 2009 Giants passing game. They are to me, the best team in the NFC, again. I should caution myself that they were 5-0 last year, but the biggest difference is this Giants team has already overcome adversity after their 1-2 start, as well as there is no 2009 New Orleans Saints or 2009 Minnesota Vikings in the NFC.
3.) Indianapolis Colts (4-2)
Well, well, well. No Dallas Clark, no problem. With Anthony Gonzalez, Gary Brackett and Donald Brown set to come back, the Colts are about as healthy as they were pre-bye, and Austin Collie and Joe Addai should both be back for the stretch run. This will give Manning the ability to go four wide, to play with his receivers more. It's not like Manning hasn't been great without Dallas Clark before. The Colts still are a great team when they need to be, and they have a nice schedule ahead. Plus, their running game is so much improved this year, really one of the most improved units of any team in the league. Conventional stats don't tell the story, but Football Outsiders' stats do. Look them up for the Colts running game, it is pretty good.
2.) New York Jets (5-1)
They've had a quiet bye, which is about the only thing they have done quietly all year. The Jets get to play the Packers first, which is a good test coming out of a bye, and a good test for Sanchez. I really want the Jets to win that division, mainly so the Pats finally know what it is like to get a Wild Card. The Jets also haven't hosted a playoff game since 2002, so it will be nice to have their crazy-hungry fans get a playoff game as well. If you notice that I am talking about random things now, you are right. There is no point about discussing the Jets as a team. They are really good in nearly everything, and are one of the favorites to win the Super Bowl (although history says they'll fuck it up, sooner or later).
1.) Pittsburgh Steelers (5-1)
That was a huge win. With two more road games coming up, they get no breaks, so to beat a good team on the road was huge. Ben Roethlisberger looks to be in midseason form. That defense is not quite as good as it was pre-Ben, but that is fine as long as the offense keeps playing at a high level. I would like to see more from the running game, as I think with Ben back there, the Steelers get a little too pass-heavy, which doesn't bode well for them. All in all, there is nothing really bad to say except Aaron Smith is now out. The Steelers can survive, with Ziggy Hood more ready to take his role, and the improvement in other areas of the defense, but losing him is a loss.
Playoff Projections
AFC
1.) Pittsburgh Steelers 14-2
2.) Indianapolis Colts 13-3
3.) New York Jets 12-4
4.) Kansas City Chiefs 10-6
5.) Baltimore Ravens 11-5
6.) Houston Texans 10-6/New England Patriots 10-6
- The Colts I think lose the game at Tennessee on a Thursday Night, and that is it.
- The Chiefs get in because their remaining schedule is really, really easy.
- The Texans and Patriots don't play each other, so I am not that crazy to go over other tiebreaker scnearios now.
NFC
1.) New York Giants 13-3
2.) Atlanta Falcons 12-4
3.) Green Bay Packers 10-6
4.) Seattle Seahawks 9-7
5.) Minnesota Vikings 10-6
6.) Washington Redskins 10-6
- The Vikings and Packers would be tied, so I gave it to the Packers on some tiebreaker I made up
- The Redskins do play the Vikings, so this assumes the Vikings win that game.
- The NFC is sad, with four teams 10-6 or worse, but before you go crying about some imbalance of power, last year, the NFC had five teams 11-5 or better, and the AFC had four teams 10-6 or worse, including two 9-7 wild card teams. The NFC was the better conference last year, this year it is the AFC. It isn't like 2004, when the 12-4 Chargers were the 4 seed, and the 9-7 Packers the three seed.
Be back tomorrow with my "10 Predictions at the One-Third Pole of the NFL Season".
