Quickie version (I actually have work to do).
32.) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-7)
Their bye week could not have come at a worse time. With Tennessee and St. Louis finally getting off the schneid, the fighting Raheem Morris's are now the last o-fer team. They have talent, apparently, becuase not much has changed since they were 9-3 last year. They have to win sooner or later. They have more talent than the next five teams listed, but they have a coach that cannot motivate a Lion to kill a Gazelle.
31.) St. Louis Rams (1-7)
I'm happy for Steve Spagnuolo. I like the guy. He gave me the greatest non-Colts related day of my footballing life, when his scheme finished off the 2007 Patriots. For that, I will always love him and Tom Coughlin, and buck-tooth Strahan and the lesser Manning. Anyway, getting back to Spags, there is not a guy that deserves that win any more. I hope to god he gets at least one more, and that he has a long and successful coaching career. I have to say all this, because he may not see another win for another 17 games.
30.) Cleveland Browns (1-7)
They fired their GM, who they hired in the offseason. George Kokinis is his name, and if I was him, I would be dancing naked in the streets for getting the great results of leaving the hell-hole that is the Mangini lair. Eric Mangini is right up there with Morris as the worst coaches in the league. What is funnier, and more dispicable, is that this is the second team to hire him. I guess people seem to believe that there is something special hiding in his gluttonous belly.
29.) Kansas City Chiefs (1-6)
Not much to say about this team. They have some abilities, however none of them seem to be of the "playing football" persuasion. Thankfully they had the Washington Redskins on their schedule, or they would be in the Tampa Bay boat. They were the winningest team of the '90's. Holy God, can a decade make a difference.
28.) Detroit Lions (1-6)
They lost to the Rams. However, I think they are both better, and have more of a future than the Rams. They also have a better QB, a better wide receiver and a better defense. They have a good coach, and a team that has good fans. That's all I can say. They are a boring bunch, but at least they try.
27.) Washington Redskins (2-5)
They don't try. They suck the life out of their fans. Dan Snyder is the Stalin of football, banning signs about him in the stadium, and making people stand up and cheer his Soviet theme song. Of course, he does not have a Soviet theme song, but I would definitely not be surprised if he had the whole FedEx field do a "Hail Snyder".
26.) Oakland Raiders (2-6)
They stink again. However, at least watching JaMarcus Russell's incompetence is fun. They are going to lose 10 games again, for a record 7th straight year. They have an owner whose awfullness has made him forget just how good he used to be. They have a defense that if they want to can show up and dominate, however they want to show up about as often as JaMarcus wants to eat a salad.
25.) Tennessee Titans (1-6)
They finally played like they did in 2007-08. Chris Johnson is a manbeast. Vince Young played a great Trent Dilfer-like performance. How they lost 59-0 is beyond me. Actually, it is not beyond me. I totally understand it. They quit on their geriatric QB and decided to mail it in. That is despicable, and if they continue those shit performances, they can kiss Jeff Fisher and his facial hair away.
24.) Buffalo Bills (3-5)
Jarius Byrd is a great young player. Sadly, they have no other single great young player. Trent Edwards make JP Losman look like John Elway. Their defense, offense and special teams is non-descript. Their coach is still dead and their owner somehow looks less dead than him. Bad times in Buffalo.
23.) Jacksonville Jaguars (3-4)
They stink. God knows how they were 11-5 two years ago, and came within one Dennis Northcutt of maybe upsetting the 16-0 Pats. However, they stink. Jack Del Rio has no idea what he is doing. All I know is that he is doing a shit job of leading a team. Maurice Jones-Drew is also an ignorant prick.
22.) Seattle Seahawks (2-5)
Ahhh, the Blue Men Group. Matthew is healthy and playing kind of well. However, the guy is as fragile as a fucking China Doll, but he is still entertaining. They have had the worst injury luck ever, and that has sabottoged what could have potentially been a 10 win team. By the way, Jim Mora the younger is a fantastic impersonator of Mr. Collins. For the three people that read me from South, you know what I mean.
21.) San Francisco 49ers (3-4)
Here is a theory: teams have one good run every other decade. The longer good run, the longer their upcoming years of sucking will be. Seriously, other than Pittsburgh, what franchise has had a long period of success followed by another one. In my youth (when I mean youth, I mean the days when I knew shit about football), the 49ers, Chiefs and Cowboys ruled the NFL. Now, they all suck at various levels. The Bills went to four straight super bowls, and now they too suck. Fans get spoiled and then get fucked in the ass. That is now happening to the 49ers right now. You experienced the greatest 20 year run in NFL history. They are now paying the price.
20.) New York Jets (4-4)
They are not any good. Rex Ryan is now just a stupid idiot. "We totally outplayed them" he said after his second loss to Miami in three games. Well, fuck you Rex Ryan. You did not, in any logical, tangible way, outplay the Dolphins. Ted Ginn Jr. shat in your face. Jason Taylor punched you in your gut and, you did not feel a thing since there are about 10 inches of fat separating your exterior and your crotch. Eat a salad, take a break and stop pumping up your average team.
19.) Carolina Panthers (3-4)
I hate this team. First, they stink and I am the only one believing in them. Then they truly reach new levels of suck when they lose to Buffalo at home, and I finally give up on them. Then they crush a good Cardinals team and finally the 2008 Panthers show up. I now think they are a frisky spoiler team, a potential 8 win team that no one really wants to play. I mean, if Jake Delhomme just plays like Jake Delhomme (instead of the dookie in a Delhomme jersey that he has been ever since their lay-down in the playoffs) they are a good team.
18.) San Diego Chargers (4-3)
They have no soul. I know they will get crushed this week in New York. Crushed. They will play with no heart, no emotion and Shawne Merriman will go back to being an invisible roided-up Giant like he was before the Raiders show up. There are few certainties in life, but here is one: when the Chargers finally have a chance to do something good for a change, they will lose. I can't wait to see LT face when he gets 30 yards in 12 carries.
17.) Atlanta Falcons (4-3)
They played pretty well yesterday, and if they hit field goals and Matt Ryan did not continue to be overrated, they would have possibly won that game. However, they do make mistakes and Matt Ryan is overrated. They are a more-likable version of San Diego. They beat bad teams and lose to good teams, however they do not think they are the 1985 Bears, which Phil Rivers and LT have assured themselves that they are.
16.) Miami Dolphins (3-4)
They will give New England a good run for their money. They are still the only team to really challenge the Colts, and had the Saints on the ropes for 45 minutes. They are miles better than that record and Chad Henne continues to play at a high level. I love this team. I love Sparano. I love their Latino conglomerate ownership. I love how they play Jimmy Buffet when they score. I hate most of Buffet's music, mainly because of a certain kids orgasmic love of him, but that song fits in with the interesting mix of the Miami crowd.
15.) Chicago Bears (4-3)
They are better than the team that lost 45-10 to the Bengals. They are a team that will make a wild card run. The Bears have abilities that make them to be a potential 10 win team. I have a weird feeling like they will win at least one of the two Minnesota games. I mainly feel this way because I want to Brett "I am a scumbag whose phony-hillbilly face makes him slightly lovable, and I love that the Media gets a hard-on at the drop of a hat" Favre to fail.
14.) New York Giants (5-3)
Can they really be as bad as that team that played the last three weeks? Can they? I say yes and no. No, they cannot be as bad defensively as a team that gives up 40 points twice in three weeks. Yes, they are not good enough to beat a team that can play offense and make Eli Manning look like the black-sheep Manning that he is.
13.) Green Bay Packers (4-3)
They made a game out of that Vikings showdown, which says alot about their character after playing like University of Miami for the first half. Aaron Rodgers holds onto the ball way to long. He makes Jared Allen look like Lawrence Taylor. Allen has 3 sacks in the six games against QBs not name Aaron Rodgers. That says more about Rodgers. He has to throw the ball. And throw it away. He is going to get himself killed, or at the least maimed.
12.) Arizona Cardinals (4-3)
That was just a horrid performance. This team is better than that. Alot better. They are a bizarro version of last years team. They are the same schizophrenic team they were last year, but now they play bad at home and show up on the road. I say that they will easily win that division again, and that should scare people because now they seem like a team that will get up for big games.
11.) Dallas Cowboys (5-2)
I hate putting them here. They still have not beat anyone but an average Atlanta team. Next week will tell us alot. They return to the scene of that 44-6 colonoscopy the Eagles gave them last year. I will believe them for just one more week. However, I will not keep myself from dropping them quickly if Romo throws up an A-Rod performance in Philly.
10.) Baltimore Ravens (4-3)
The Ravens defense is back. Joe Flacco continues to be much more impressive than Matt Ryan with lesser targets. Ladarius Webb has a great kick-off returner's name. Honestly, that is a baller name. However, they should play him in the secondary, becuase he has to be better than those sheep they currently employ.
9.) Houston Texans (5-3)
They are two games above .500 for the first time ever. That's right, ev-fucking-er. Now, they have their first real big game coming up, but honestly the matchup of the Colts going to Houston in three weeks is more informative than this weeks game. This is a good team. However, fuck you Steve Slaton. How does he get benched and then Ryan Moats puts up numbers running behind the same line. How is this possible??
8.) Philadelphia Eagles (5-2)
That was impressive. I really think only the Saint and the Colts have higher peak performances. If the Eagles play at their peak, they are pretty unbeatable. However, they just don't put up that level of performance too often. I say this though, outside of a couple of teams below, they get up for big games. I'll say that they force Romo into at least once interception.
7.) Cincinnatti Bengals (5-2)
I missed them last week. They are an entertaining bunch. I miss Carson to Ocho, and I can't wait until they return and start terrorizing opponents again. That will be fun. Also, that defense is sick. It is young, talented and scary. They are a legit team. They can beat everyone if they play well. They don't always play well. They are a fun team, and I would be excited as hell if I were a Bengals fan.
6.) New England Patriots (5-2)
Scarily, they are high up again. They have hit their stride, as in they are the 2003-04 Pats. They can play extremely well, but you always feel like you can beat them. When they are on offense, pressure Brady, double Moss and Viola! They are a 24 point per game team. When they are on defense, you can beat them. They are beatable, but quietly are humming along. It will be interesting to see how they do against Miami, a team they historically struggle against.
5.) Denver Broncos (6-1)
I'm not losing too much sleep over a desperate Ravens team beating them. I will also not lose sleep over the Steelers beating them next Monday night. They will still sleep-walk to that division title, because unlike last year, San Diego has less emotional soul and Denver is actually a good team. However, I do not fear them in the least come playoff time.
4.) Minnesota Vikings (7-1)
That was an impressive performance, but I see dark things ahead. Brett Favre is relying too much on his arm. He is throwing balls that becuase of his amazing zip and arm strength can get balls through. When his arm inevitably becomes sore, then those fastballs will be intercepted change-ups. That is not a good thing. Also, Adrian Peterson does not look like the stud RB that we expected the last couple of years. However, I might as well suck their dick, since they are 7-1 and balling out.
3.) Pittsburgh Steelers (5-2)
I still think they are the only team that can run with Indy in the AFC. They have not hit their stride, but when it happens, look out. They are so much better on offense this year, with the evolution of the Roethlisberger-Holmes combo and the Parker/Mendenhall combo adding something to the running game. That defense will only get better as the season continues. They will be playing deep into January.
2.) Indianapolis (7-0)
Bad games happen. That was a poor sluggish performance, but if they just connected in the Red Zone, that game is over quickly. Lost in Manning's first 0 touchdown performance was that defense. Currently, they lead the league in scoring defense and can pressure QBs like no one else. Dwight Freeney is having the comparable year that Manning is having. They are still the best team in the AFC and will also be playing deep into January.
1.) New Orleans Saints (7-0)
They continue to be the 09 version of the Greatest Show on Turf. They turn the ball over like the GSOT Rams, they don't care like the GSOT Rams. They have an offensive swagger second-to-none. They have an unstoppability that, in my opinion, exceeds the 2007 Pats. They are scary good. That defense is opportunistic, much like the 1999 Rams. They can play any style of game. Quietly, they have an amazing running game. They have a shot at an undefeated season.
Playoff Projections
AFC
1.) Colts 14-2
2.) Steelers 12-4
3.) Patriots 12-4
4.) Broncos 11-5
5.) Bengals 11-5
6.) Texans 10-6
NFC
1.) Saints 14-2
2.) Vikings 12-4
3.) Eagles 12-4
4.) Cardinals 10-6
5.) Giants 11-5
6.) Packers 10-6
