32.) Cleveland Browns (1-8)
That was despicable Monday Night. Now, I know they suck, have management problems rivaling that of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. Brady Quinn became the first QB ever to throw at least 30 passes and less than 100 yards. That is a y/a of 3.3. To put that into consideration, JaMarcus Russell has a y/a of 5.2. Also, smart move by the Mangenius to run a double reverse, lateral-a-thon on the last play and injure their only NFL caliber player.
31.) St. Louis Rams (1-8)
That was a nice performance. They gave the Saints a real run for their money, and they have now played 2 straight NFL quality games. This is nice to see for a deserving guy in Steve Spagnuolo, although I think I speak for every Giants fan when I say: Give up that darned Rams job, and come back to Gotham and coach this defense.
30.) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-8)
I would move them higher, but that was a despicable performance by the team. Not the game, that was actually good, but their celebration after scoring the TD to take the 23-22 lead. They acted as if they had just won the Super Bowl, or rather some Big Ten title. That was not what a winning team does. Finish the game!
29.) Detroit Lions (1-8)
They also played like a real football team. In fact, Week 10 was the week that the dregs of the league all collectively decided to play football (evidently this message did not penetrate the mucousy membrane of suck blocking Cleveland from the rest of the world). That was much closer than a 17 point game, and the Lions had the ball with a chance to tie the game in the metrodome. Nice performance, and I still like Matthew Stafford and Megatron as a combination.
28.) Kansas City Chiefs (2-7)
Sure they beat Oakland, but they also lost to Oakland earlier in the year in Arrowhead. They have beaten Oakland seven straight times in Oakland, but they have also lost three straight to the Raiders in Arrowhead. I will judge both teams in a vacuum and not against each other, and I still don't think the Chiefs are better than Oakland. Sure, I am a Raider fan, but honestly, after seeing Matt Cassel suck eggs consistently, I cannot back this team. Plus, their coach is a rabid maniac.
27.) Oakland Raiders (2-7)
They still have two worldbeater performances in them, just don't expect it this week. I think we have reached the end of the JaMarcus era, and for one I am glad. Can we just go and pick a Big Ben type. My guy is Jake Locker from University of Washington. That's right, I gone did some scouting. That guy has an arm that rivals that of JaMarcus, but unlike him, Locker is not morbidly obese or idiotically stupid.
26.) Washington Redskins (3-6)
That was a good win, but it came against Chris Simms. Chris Fucking Simms! I'm pretty sure that Phil is totally embarrassed to be related to such an awful QB. Anyway, I still think this team is the worst 3 win team of all time, and has no end in sight to thier long line of awfulness. Also, not sure what high-priced coach they will go after, since Holmgren and Shanny want full autonomy, and Dan Snyder is having a gay tyst with Vinny Cerratto.
25.) Buffalo Bills (3-6)
Actually, the Bills can easily be the worst 3 win team of all time. Trent Edwards came back, and it did not look like it helped at all. Terrel Owens is about to commit murder. All of Buffalo has already given up on the Bills and put all their efforts into the Sabres, and thank god. At least the Sabres are good. In related news, Dick Jauron has reportedly been fired. Or died. No one knows, since his heart hasn't beated in about three weeks.
24.) New York Jets (4-5)
Don't take this as a slight, since I like them to hang with (HANG WITH and not BEAT) the Patriots on Sunday. However, after Mark Sanchez's Obama-like speech and Rex Ryan's crying performance on Tuesday, I cannot take them seriously. All I wonder is what the fuck happened to that defense that flew around the field early on. They are still the team that best defensed New Orleans' attack. I wish that defense came back, but I love teams in eternal chaos, mainly because it takes away from the Raiders being in eternal chaos.
23.) Chicago Bears (4-5)
Jay Cutler is still a good QB. Thankfully, with the Broncos having lost their luster, and them now not being a team destined for a '01 Patriots-like run to the Super Bowl, people can stop the "Broncos won the deal, Orton is better" cries. Three of those picks were plainly not Cutler's fault, and the fourth came on the last play of the game. Cutler will, before he retires, show Bears fans why he is worth it. Just not now, becuase that defense sucks.
22.) San Francisco 49ers (4-5)
They finally won a game with Crabtree!!!! Too bad Crabtree did basically nothing to earn it. Alex Smith had one of his worst games, and Frank Gore was largely ineffective. Yet, they came to play and their defense was opportunistic. However, if they gave up that touchdown there at the end to Cutler, they would have been far, far down on these rankings. In fact, they might be in the middle of a Kansas City - Oakland sandwhich. Yum!!
21.) Seattle Seahawks (3-6)
They're frisky. That is all I can say. Hasselbeck gets no protection, but he can run around and throw it to four good targets. Justin Forsett ran the ball pretty well against a good run defense. Their defense is average, but they can probably get the job done at home more often than not. All that said, they are no more than spoiler fodder.
20.) Tennessee Titans (3-6)
The great escape of 2009 continues. Not the team, but Jeff Fisher's job. Jeff Fisher will keep his job, and thus continue to creep up to Landry's 29 straight years, with this finish. Chris Johnson is absolutely amazing. Just amazing. He is so far and away the most exciting player in the league. He is now what Devin Hester was three years ago. Every time he touches the ball something special might happen, and often does. I never got to really watch Barry Sanders, but I assume it was something like what CJ is doing now.
19.) Jacksonville Jaguars (5-4)
God knows how they are 5-4. God knows how they will be two games over .500 after they take care of Buffalo at home. I guess I have to assume that they are good, but how can that be after they lost 41-0 in Seattle. That is probably the worst performance by any team this season, and now this team is a wild-card contender? Really? How is this happening, they are technically ahead of Houston. I am stunned beyond belief.
18.) Atlanta Falcons (5-4)
Thank God those Matt Ryan is the next Peyton Manning comparisons have stopped. Those were always insane. What about these rookie year numbers: 3440 yds, 16 tds, 11 ints made anyone think he is the next Manning. Those are Delhomme numbers. Sure he was a rookie, but come on. What did he show that made people think he was a sure-fire hall of famer, or "One of the ten best QBs in the game today" as some put it at the start of the season. Sure, I had him in the top-10 in my QB rankings not long ago, but that was for now and the future. He is not top-10 now, especially after a JaMarcus-ian regression the past few weeks.
17.) Miami Dolphins (4-5)
Wildcat fever may be leaving Miami after Ronnie Brown's injury, and that may be the death knell to a whimpering playoff hope, but they are a hard, tough out every week. They are alot like the Parcell's Cowboys teams (pre-Romo), when you could beat them, but you have to play physical smart football and not make mistakes. They will be great in a couple years if, you know, they get people who can actually catch the ball.
16.) Carolina Panthers (4-5)
I don't think I could have changed my opinion on the outlook of a team any more than I did about the Cats, but I am fully entrenched in the "They have a legitimate shot of stealing the 6th seed." Look at it, Delhomme has stopped throwing ints, their running game is in near-2008 form and their defense is stout enough. They are only one game behind the Philly/Giants/Green Bay platter at 5-4. Those, and the Cowboys, are the real teams fighting for those two wild cards, and why can't they do it? Why not?
15.) Green Bay Packers (5-4)
Nice performance, plus I called it! That was a man-up game against the Cowboys. That was a great defensive performance for a team that was just shredded by Tampa Bay. Aaron Rodgers is still getting all the protection of a thrice-used condom, but Ryan Grant has started to move the ball again. They are in that Carolina/Giants boat, and it will be an interesting case of roullette for those wild-card spots.
14.) Philadelphia Eagles (5-4)
Thank you, Philly, for reawakening the dormant heart of San Diego. Also, thanks for rejuvenating LaDainian Tomlinson. I have never seen a game where every team RedZone turns me over to it, one team is making all the plays but still losing by 19. Also, I am shocked they did not make that comeback. I guess I forgot to realize that after San Diego the most emotionless team is Philadelphia.
13.) Dallas Cowboys (6-3)
I am scared that Tony Romo might turn into Tony Romo again, and leading to the mass killings of hundreds in Dallas, and the loss of Wade Philips snarky gloom grin's job and Jerry Jones' sanity. Why did they not run the ball more? How could they essentially get shut out by Green Bay? How could Roy Williams continue to suck when he actually was good in Detroit? How could I still have them this high?
12.) Baltimore Ravens (5-4)
If they are for real, they beat the Colts. The Colts are ragged, tired from that draining comeback, and the Ravens are still fighting for their lives. If they are real, they play the same defense they have been for three straight games. However, as their defense has become better, their offense has regressed. Flacco is still outperforming his fellow sophomore Matty Ice, but their offense is slowly resembling the Tony Banks/Scott Mitchell/Trent Dilfer/Anthony Wright Ravens (I could have gone on for 10 more crappy QBs).
11.) New York Giants (5-4)
I still believe they are the best team in their division. This was a radically different team, but the 2002 Raiders are a good comparison to what the Giants are going through. (Get off the ledge, Giants fans, that was a good Raider team, this is a good thing.) The Raiders, like the Giants, started 4-0, and then dropped 4 straight and were passed by 6-2 San Diego and 6-2 Denver, much like Philly and the Cowboys passing 5-4 Giants. Those Raiders finished the year off with a 7-1 run and ended with a trip to the Super Bowl. There, Giants. You Happy?
10.) Denver Broncos (6-3)
This team cannot be as bad as they have been the last three weeks. Now, if Kyle Orton is out for any considerable amount of time, they can easily be as bad as they have been the last three weeks, but reports look good. They beat San Diego easily a month ago, and they could easily do it again this weekend, but right now something is amiss. We will hear from the fighting McDaniels again. We will.
9.) San Deigo Chargers (6-3)
I hate this team. They are about as schizophrenic as they come, and I know that if they play the Colts, they will show up, but if they play any other great team come playoff time (Steelers, Pats, Bengals) they will fold like cheap napkins. I hate them, I hate them. But give them credit, as they beat two similar teams the last two weeks. I'll give them credit, for now.
8.) Houston Texans (5-4)
Yeah, they are this good. People have forgotten about them as they had the bye, but the Monday Night game will help bring the focus right to Houston. They can be great, great, great on offense and their defense has improved alot recently. I still think that they will hand the Colts their first loss in two weeks, and they will a tough, tough out come playoff time.
7.) Arizona Cardinals (6-3)
They finally won at home, even though they started out playing awful, but outscored the Hawks 31-6 the last three quarters. That was impressive. They are still undefeated on the road, and I still think that they have a shot at that #2 seed. They have a level that they can reach at times that only two teams in the NFL can match. Their peak is Everest high, and that is why I can actually see this team returning to the Super Bowl. Larry Fitzgerald continues to amaze. Beanie Wells in finally ending the "hyped-up Ohio State skill players sucking ass in the NFL" curse that has been prolonged by Tedd "What are these things at the end of my arms for?" Ginn and Bobby "Why is that large black man running at me. Oh my God, I have to run away" Carpenter. They are a good team, and their run is coming. I just hope they don't decide to give up after clinching the division like last year.
6.) New England Patriots (6-3)
Full opinion of the Sunday Night Classic will come in the next post, but that was an impressive second quarter on Sunday Night. That really was it. They scored 10 points in the entire second half. When they really wanted to get first downs late in the fourth quarter they could not. I think that Tom Brady would not be able to shred the Colts again like he did, and he won't be able to do that against the Jets on Sunday. However, that defense does impress me. Their young guys are all players, and they will be hard to throw on consistently.
5.) Pittsburgh Steelers (6-3)
Losing to the 4th ranked team is no big deal. I still feel like they can be a 12 win team, however that is not going to be good enough to get that division back. The division is gone, much like in 2005 when they lost the game to the Bengals in Heinz Field. That year, they went on a spree in the playoffs and ran off with "one for the thumb" and Jerome Bettis walked (fatty can't run) off to the limelight. They will have to be dealt with, I just hope before they get to Lucas Oil Stadium.
4.) Minnesota Vikings (8-1)
They are 8-1, and they have two easy games coming up. So, they will be 10-1 with one of the most distinct home field advantages. Yet, I still feel like something is missing. Maybe it is the fact their coach is awful as hell, and wears a McDonald's drive-through like headphone piece. Brett Favre is not some new Chad Pennington game-manager, he's the same guy. The old Favre will show up sooner or later.
3.) Cincinnatti Bengals (7-2)
Damn, that was impressive. They have now the most impressive resume of any NFL team not named Indianapolis, sweeping both Baltimore and Pittsburgh, going to Lambeau and beating the Packers, absolutely destroying the Bears and beating the Bengals before the Gods graced Brandon Stokley for his courageousness as a white-receiver in the NFL. They are impressive. They have a relatively easy schedule, and if the Pats lose to the Saints, they are almost guaranteed the second seed. We all have to get used to the fact that one of the games in divisional weekend will be the Bengals hosting a team. That is scary.
2.) New Orleans Saints (9-0)
They are still undefeated, and that is all that matters. Sure they played a close game against the Rams, but remember the '07 Patriots needed a last-minute defensive stand to beat an AJ Feeley coached Eagles team. Indy needed a defensive stand to beat the 49ers. It happens. If they play badly this week against Tampa then I would be worried slightly. However, I guarantee you that they show up for the Monday night showdown against the Pats in two weeks.
1.) Indianapolis Colts (9-0)
Welcome back, boys. Sure they benifited from Belichick's call, but there was not one person, or fan, or even Patriots supporter, that thought that if they had punted on 4th and 2 Manning was not going to drive down the field and win the game anyway. So, it is purely a Colts comeback and a Pats defensive meltdown that changed this game. It was the Colts great play in the 4th quarter on defense. Here were the drives by the Pats in the first quarter: 1 first down and punt, 1 first down and FG (off the Wilhite Interception) and 0 first downs and turnover on downs. The Colts violently outplayed the Pats to the level that the Pats outplayed them in the late first and early second quarter. This team avoided its sure loss game (like how the Pats somehow escaped the Ravens game in 2007 with a win), and that is a great sign. The AFC runs through Indianapolis, and that is a good thing.
