32.) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-9)
Reason to Smile: Josh Freeman looks like a real NFL prospect. If this were baseball, he would be the Steven Strasburg like prospect that will get those old Tampa Bayans (say it in a Will Ferrell/Ron Burgundy voice and it makes sense) to the games.
Reason to Frown: They just fired their Defensive Coordinator, thirteen weeks after firing their Offensive Coordinator. They might be the first team ever to start training camp and reach thanksgiving with different coordinators and a coach that has not yet had his balls descended.
31.) Cleveland Browns (1-9)
Reason to Smile: That was actually offense on Sunday. Brady Quinn might not suck eggs for his whole career and Josh Cribbs (the Strasburg of Cleveland) is still playing football and not hurt in Mangini's schemes.
Reason to Frown: Mangini is a total douchebag, and they are still named the Browns. They are the most boring team ever, they are named after a color (screw Paul Brown, as he created the Bengals, so its stupid to still honor his name). They have no logo. WHY NOT THE CLEVELAND DAWGS??
30.) St. Louis Rams (1-9)
Reason to Smile: Steven Jackson is a fantasy Zeus, and he is charging up those "best player on an awful team" rankings. He is way, way up there.
Reason to Frown: the latter half of that ranking: their an awful team. Also, Marc Bulger broke his leg, so that puts us back into the god-knows-who era in St. Louis. Man, did Martz curse that team with his "Marc Bulger is our quarterback" press-conferences?
29.) Detroit Lions (2-8)
Reason to Smile: Matthew Fucking Stafford. I told you he was good? Did people never believe me?? Well, he had the greatest game statistically of any NFL rookie, with an overrated running back and only one legitimate threat. That is a massively amazing impressive.
Reason to Frown: Matthew Fucking Stafford's shoulder. Honestly, do the Lions fans have to be subjected to Daunte Culpepper after that game?? Come on, football gods, have you any sou?
28.) Buffalo Bills (3-7)
Reason to Smile: Terrel Owens decided to play for once. It is amazing that he actually could "run" with that walker all of 98 yards. That was more impressive than his not busting out a nice "who the fuck are you, go play with a sliderule" face to Ryan Fitzpatrick.
Reason to Frown: You still lost on a two-minute drill to the Jaguars. Come on.
27.) Seattle Seahawks (3-7)
Reason to Smile: Well, Seattle's a bueatiful place, right? Seattle is a bueaty, with great landscapes and great coffee, and great music.
Reason to Frown: Your teams run of great years are done, and that only means that there is about a six year suck period and this is only year two. Matt Hasselbeck is aging faster than Favre. TJ Houshmanzadeh is evidently a production of Chad's brilliance.
26.) Kansas City Chiefs (3-7)
Reason to Smile: You just beat the World Champs!!!!!!! That is the first time where you could put the words "Kansas City Chiefs" and "World Champions" and not laugh uncontrollably and lose control of your bowels.
Reason to Frown: You were still outplayed, and got lucky with some fluke breaks to win that game. Matt Cassel is still the definition of mediocre (up from the definition of overrated - a title that is now permanently clamped to the mug of Matt Ryan).
25.) Oakland Raiders (3-7)
Reason to Smile: Bruce Gradkowski. It does not take much to impresse the faithful of the black hole. After JaMarcus Russell, I probably would have been a step up (I throw a mean right-out). Also, that defense might be not terrible.
Reason to Frown: Good lord, where to start. How about the virtual certainty that we will pick "the rocket arm" of Ryan Mallett in the draft, when he is just a white form of J-Ru (Russell ate the "ss").
24.) New York Jets (4-6)
Reason to Smile: That defense showed some life in the second half. They played with a pride they have not shown since that Saints game back in Week 4.
Reason to Frown: They are now 1-6 in their last seven games. Mark Sanchez is doing an excellent mexican J- (damnit, JaMarcus, stop eating letters!!) impression.
23.) Washington Redskins (3-7)
Reason to Smile: That defense was all over the place in that game. They deserved that win. They played amazing. The team probably loves o-coordinator Sherm Lewis as much as a neo-nazi, but they love Greg Blache as much as a rainbow-spotted puppy.
22.) Chicago Bears (4-6)
Reason to Smile: Jay Cutler didn't throw an interception until desperation time!!!
Reason to Frown: Jay Cutler overthrew two easy touchdown passes (I'll give him a pass for missing the bomb to Johnny Knox as hitting a 60 yard passes is not easy for even good quarterbacks). Also, that defense continues to give up big plays, which is specifically what the defense is designed to LIMIT.21.) San Francisco 49ers (4-6)
Reason to Smile: Michael Crabtree finally caught his first touchdown pass, and it was a nice veteran type near-pushoff catch. It would make the king of the pushoffs, Randy Moss, proud.
Reason to Frown: They are 1-5 since that Crabtree signing, and also there is the fact that Alex Smith may be what we thought he was. He became overrated after that cameo in Houston, but maybe he's just not that good.
20.) Denver Broncos (6-4)
Reason to Smile: God knows, that defense is still not the worst defense in teh NFL as it was last year.
Reason to Frown: Josh McDaniel's is now trash-talking linebackers, and the team is know losing by 29 at home. Also, they are still over .500 so maybe the fans have some gigantic false hope.
19.) Atlanta Falcons (5-5)
Reason to Smile: They showed nice cajones in that quick comeback in the Meadowlands. Lost in that game was the comeback. They played well without Michael Turner and Matt Ryan had a game that almost made him not overrated.
Reason to Frown: They lost their biggest game of the year. Now, all the Falcons fans probably know they are not playoff-bound, so they can return to not caring about sports.
18.) Jacksonville Jaguars (6-4)
Reason to Smile: They are somehow over .500, they are finding ways to win games. Mike Sims-Walker and Maurice Jones-Drew is giving great hope to all those kids of divorcees, and other hyphenated last named humans.
Reason to Frown: Right, how about they are clearly playing over their head, and were being outscored for 59 minutes by the Bills.
17.) Carolina Panthers (4-6)
Reason to Smile: DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart are sick right now. They are in pure 2008 form, and are making 5-7 yards every carry seemingly.
Reason to Frown: Jake Delhomme to Steve Smith connection has not returned to 2008 form. They can still make the playoffs, but they will need a great run to finish out the season. Losing to the Dolphins at home did not help.
16.) Houston Texans (5-5)
Reason to Smile: Andre Johnson is seriously like a fucking tiger playing football out there. He is a tyranasourus rex. He is a giant mastadon. That man can catch everything, run by everyone and kill anybody in his path.
Reason to Frown: They just cannot win close games. Winning close games in a skill (ask Indy), and they don't have it yet. They are the youngest team in teh NFL, so they have time to learn and when they do, look out. Right now, they need to win a single close game.
15.) Baltimore Ravens (5-5)
Reason to Smile: Ray Rice is the fourth most exciting running back in the NFL. That little speeding bullet is a ball of fun to watch play. Plus, he is hope for all those suckers at Rutgers.
Reason to Frown: They cannot win close games either. Their field-goal kicker is playing in Indianapolis, and it seems they are giving away that job in some fan competition. Matt Flacco has returned to normal and that defense is still average.
14.) Miami Dolphins (5-5)
Reason to Smile: My lord, this team has heart. They lose their best player, and go into a hostile environment, and kicked ass. That team is everything San Diego should have in the heart department.
Reason to Frown: They still have a long way to go for the playoffs, and, did Ted Ginn even play in that Carolina game. Was he out there, was he CGI'd on the field. Really, what a wasted pick.
13.) New York Giants (6-4)
Reason to Smile: They won a game, a big game. Sure they did not play well, but that was a game they needed badly, and they showed up and sprung out a lead. Of course they blew it, but they regrouped and got a win they needed.
Reason to Frown: They blew that lead. This team should be D-first. They have the deepest D-Line ever. They cannot blow 14 point leads to teams missing their best player at home.
12.) Tennessee Titans (4-6)
Reason to Smile: Vince Young is making plays. The defense is playing well. The.... oh, who the fuck am I kidding, Chris Johnson is the Andre Johnson of running backs.
Reason to Frown: They screwed themselves by waiting so long by playing that geriatric of Kerry Collins. Jeff Fisher should get credit for turning this team around, but he wanted Collins to keep playing and needed to be overruled by their obscene owner.
11.) Dallas Cowboys (7-3)
Reason to Smile: They found a way to win a key game and stayed a leg up on that division.
Reason to Frown: What the hell happened to that offense. Its not December, Tony. Its definitely not December. They basically scored 7 points in two games, because the TD against the Packers was in garbage time. They are not ready to take control and make a case that we have to take them seriously.
10.) Green Bay Packers (6-4)
Reason to Smile: Aaron Rodgers has been kepy upright, and that defense is making PLAYS. Greg Jennings and Ryan Grant have seemed to wake up from their hibernation.
Reason to Frown: Aaron Kampman is gone for the season. They can cover up the loss of Al Harris, but Kampman was a huge part of that team's scheme. That is not going to help them at all. They still have a managable schedule, but it just got alot harder.
9.) Philadelphia Eagles (6-4)
Reason to Smile: Michael Vick actually did something, and DeSean Jackson is the new Devin Hester. That man can make huge plays seemingly at will.
Reason to Frown: That game was a little too close. Something just felt off on Sunday Night. Maybe it was that the Bears were fighting for their lives, but they seemed sloppy and unprepared.
8.) San Diego Chargers (7-3)
Reason to Smile: They are now in control of that lame division. They have their shot at the two-seed. LT looks alive (although for anyone else those are mediocre stats at best the last two weeks).
Reason to Frown: Chargers fans probably don't have anything to frown out right now, but I'll say that Vincent Jackson has been a little quieter the past couple weeks.
7.) Pittsburgh Steelers (6-4)
Reason to Smile: The Bengals lost a winnable game so they have a shot again at that division, and Big Ben seems to not be seriously hurt from that knee to the head.
Reason to Frown: They give up huge turnovers in the Red Zone, they give up returns every week. And, oh by the way, let's not gloss over the hard to forget fact that THEY LOST TO THE KANSAS CITY CHIEFS!!!!!!
6.) Arizona Cardinals (7-3)
Reason to Smile: They are now roadbeaters, they would have crushed that team if Warner stayed in the game. They could play at 50% level for a solid half and still win the game.
Reason to Frown: Just seeing what Matt Leinart could accomplish against one of the worst defenses in football is probably scaring the Jesus out of every Cards fan (all three of them). If Kurt Warner gets hurt, they will be killed.
5.) New England Patriots (7-3)
Reason to Smile: They crushed a team they hate, and their Wes Welker 15 catch game had a classic 2007 swagger. Laurence Maroney actually looked like a NFL caliber back.
Reason to Frown: They are just not that good in the second half of games. They have been held to 10 points in their three losses, but even in the Dolphins and Jets games, games that were really never in doubt, they just lacked any sense of urgency and explosiveness in the second half.
4.) Cincinnatti Bengals (7-3)
Reason to Smile: Pittsburgh lost so they still control the division. Since NE, SD and CIN are all in virtual locks to the fourth tiebreaker, they control that since they play San Diego in two weeks, and it will be extremely hard for New England SOV to get up to them.
Reason to Frown: That was a classic Bengals loss. They have had two of them, and that is scary. Now, credit them for beating every good team they have played, but they cannot drop even one more of their winnable games.
3.) Minnesota Vikings (9-1)
Reason to Smile: Brett Favre is playing the best football of his career. 21 tds to 3 ints after 10 games is sick. It makes me want to throw acid in my face after he hold the NFL's media hostage again and this time it looks like it will not all shit in his face like last year.
Reason to Frown: Other than those two wins over the Pack, they still have not beaten a good team. That was an impressive domination, but really it was the Seahawks.
2.) New Orleans Saints (10-0)
Reason to Smile: That was the Saints of the first seven weeks. That was pure dominance on the road. Their running game is the most underrated running game in the NFL, and Robert Meachem is a legitimate threat.
Reason to Frown: With a loss on Monday, they drop to a virtual tie with the Vikings and home-field is suddenly in jeopardy.
1.) Indianapolis Colts (10-0)
Reason to Smile: They just keep winning. This is classic 2003-2004 Pats, but they know they can reach a higher level. Winning four straight games with B level performances is impressive.
Reason to Frown: Can they win in dominant fashion again. Those games were so much more easy on my heart and my arteries. I don't want to die in the AFC Title Game this year, I really don't.
