32.) St. Louis Rams (1-7)
Welcome back to the basement, boys. Hope you enjoyed your week in the sun, but its back to the black box underground in the jail. They still don't have any redeeming qualities other than the continued fantasy success of one Steven B. Jackson, which I am exhilerated by right now. Keep it going Steven. Please, please, for the love of God, don't tank at play down to the level of your shitty team.
31.) Cleveland Browns (1-7)
I think ESPN wants a mulligan for putting them on MNF next week. ESPN really has been awfully lucky with their MNF games. Except for the Philly @ Washington game two weeks ago, all their MNF games have either been close or between two good teams. I'm pretty sure the world-wide leader is having a collective hemorrhage just thinking about a Baltimore-Cleveland game. Honestly, they should just put a running loop of PTI's and that would be alot more popular.
30.) Detroit Lions (1-7)
How do you jump up by 17 and still lose, and not only lose, but not cover a 10 point line. That's really something special. Vegas should give them all a week in the penthouse of the Wynn, because their ineptness just gave Vegas about a trillion dollars. Honestly, they are special.
29.) Kansas City Chiefs (1-7)
Larry Johnson is done. Man, I feel old. I remember when Larry Johnson was a beast (in a great football way, not a racist homophobic-bashing way), and that was a full 4 years ago. Those were the days, before everyone thought San Diego was the most talented team and before people said things like "Your 2008 NFC Champions: the Arizona Cardinals!!!". Those were the days.
28.) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-7)
Impressive win. Josh Freeman played quite well. That was a man-up performance. Honestly, as a Raider fan, I just die another death when I see another rookie starting QB play approxamately 40 times better than JaMarcus. Honestly, what are the chances that we get the worst 1st round QB since Joey Harrington. Seriously, Josh Fucking Freeman is better?? Really?? Yes, yes he is.
27.) Washington Redskins (2-6)
I'll give them credit for being competitive against the Falcons. Of course, they waited until they were down 24-3 to show up, but they did show up, even without Chris Cooley and Portis out for much of the game. On a semi-unrelated note, was I the only one who thought the LaRon Landry shove of Matt Ryan was not nearly as bad and dirty as it was made out to be??
26.) Buffalo Bills (3-5)
Worst 3-5 team of all time. Absolute worst. They are good for 6 good games a year, but they have an odd propensity to lose 6-3 games to really shitty teams. No, Buffalo, I did not forget about that shitstain against the Browns.
25.) Oakland Raiders (2-6)
Ohh, I love these Chiefs games, because I can feel like I am watching a real NFL team in the Raiders. Of course, it would be better if Darren McFadden decided to take out the tampon and actually play a game. But I'll take the small steps first. God, I love the Chiefs.
24.) San Francisco 49ers (3-5)
They've lost 4 straight. Not so coincedently, all of those games came after they signed Michael Crabtree. Now, Michael Crabtree may be a fucking Anaconda, or whatever the media makes him out to be, but sadly he has not yet won a professional football team. Not even a singular one. Mike Singletary may need to pull down the pants again. Also, for all the talk about the Alex Smith resurgence, he's 0-2 as a starter.
23.) Jacksonville Jaguars (4-4)
This is not a .500 team. What is sad is they, incredibly, have legitimate playoff aspirations. I think those aspirations will end when they realize that they have yet to beat an actual good team. They can make a statement if they go to the Meadowlands and win a game. Nothing much to say about them. They are average, they are boring and they will NOT make the playoffs.
22.) Seattle Seahawks (3-5)
I would love this team to be better. They have good fans, who whether the rain constantly. They also whether the most injury-plagued team of all-time, and what seems like a real dipshit as a head coach. Jim Mora has done absolutely nothing to deserve a second job. Nothing.
21.) Tennessee Titans (2-6)
They hit their rock bottom (the fucking Marinas Trench of rock bottoms, with that give up 59-0 game) and they've climbed back to respectable spoiler. They have tough games, so they don't really have a shot at the unbelievable 9-7 playoff bearth, but they believe they do. Vince Young is prefecting the game manager role (another guy that makes me cry when I think of him vs. Russell. Honestly, I thought I could always fall back on the fact that Russell was not a basket-case like VY). Also, this just in. Chris Johnson is amazing.
20.) New York Jets (4-4)
They are just not that good. Honestly, I am so ashamed that after this weekend either they or Jacksonville will be over .500. If there ever should be a mandated tie game in the NFL. Both of those teams are so pleasantly mediocre it is really fun. Also, it seems like a ice age ago that this team took it to New England. I guess its good, as Bart Scott has finally learned what the mute button does.
19.) Chicago Bears (4-4)
Oh my God. They have been so bad recently on defense that it has masked the fact that Jay Cutler was really, really good last week. And that is why I don't have them lower (or higher, depending on your viewpoint). They can be great. They can be a 10-6 playoff team. Of course this is assuming that Matt Forte realizes that the season has started and he wakes up from his first-half hibernation.
18.) Carolina Panthers (3-5)
I'm back on the "They may make a miracle wildcard push". Those were the real Panthers the last 2 weeks. Good enough on defense and passing, and explosively awesome enough at rushing that they can beat anyone. Anyone. They easily could have beaten New Orleans. Now, it seems like we say that alot these days, but they played with them in the Dome, which no one has done. Impressive job by John Fox keeping this team focused, and impressive job by Steve Smith for not punching out Delhomme.
17.) Baltimore Ravens (4-4)
If Bart Scott was still a Raven, he probably would smack me in the nads for putting them this low. However, what choice do I have. They looked lifeless against the Bengals. They reverted back to the 2004-2005 Ravens, a good defensive team that will hold the opponent from 14-24 points, but whose offense sucks. Now, I have been saying for weeks that their offense was smoke and mirrors early. That they had little offensive talent. Finally, I am being vindicated. That was a pitiful offensive performance. Somewhere, Brian Billick is jumping for joy, and Trent Dilfer is smiling a fucking chesire cat grin.
16.) Miami Dolphins (3-5)
They are still the best 3-5 team in NFL history. They played step-to-step with the Pats, but just made one critical mistake of not doubling Moss. Other than that, and more drops by Ted "What are these things at the end of my forearms. Why are they made of granite?" Ginn, they could have beaten the Pats. Still, no one has played Indy or New Orleans close. They are good. Watch out next year, when Henne gets better.
15.) Green Bay Packers (4-4)
If they could just block, and if Aaron Rodgers could just break the "I have to hold the ball for 10 seconds or I will suffer the wrath of Zeus" curse that has been hexed upon him, they would be great. Their defense was not all to bad against the Bucs. They gave up 14 points off ST and and INT-return, and Tampa had a short field all day. They are what they are. A good team, with one glaring, enormous, elephant-sized flaw.
14.) San Diego Chargers (5-3)
That was the most impressive and simultaneously un-impressive win ever. Sure, they finally showed some emotion with their last second TD for the win, but they still were outplayed and should have lost. That win said alot more about the Giants than the Chargers. Now, if they beat a quality team again, with Philly going to SD this week, then, after dodging the lightning bolt signifying the end of the world, I will move them up.
13.) Atlanta Falcons (5-3)
Quietly, they are the 5 seed if the playoffs started today. Now, I would absolutely pick them to lose that opening playoff game, and I would bet every single penny I ever made on it, but still. They are a team that is really flying under the radar, which is shocking considering they have everyone's orgasm of the year in Matt Ryan.
12.) New York Giants (5-4)
Call me a believer. We will hear from them again. Now, what we may hear is the cry of a gap-toothed Strahan saying how much the team needs him, or the cry of Tom Coughlin as the team becomes only the first team to completely strike out at a field-goal attempt in NFL history, but its still something. They cannot be this bad.
11.) Houston Texans (5-4)
They are the best 4 loss team in the NFL. Their loss to Jacksonville is inexplicable, although a very questionable call negating a touchdown did not help. Their loss at Arizona is more explicable, as Arizona is a better team. They hung tough with Indy, after being thoroughly outplayed in the first half. They had me sweating. They will make the playoffs, and also, Matt Schaub is not going to get hurt. It's just not going to happen. So, for all you fantasy guys who used the "Schaub always gets hurt logic" suck on my dick. I believed in him.
10.) Philadelphia Eagles (5-3)
Andy Reid should get chastised for that field-goal call. That was pointless. However, the second challenge, on the McNabb sneak, was not. How that was not overturned is beyond me. He easily picked up the three chain-links he needed for a first down. Sometimes, I think all the refs do is watch a porno when they go over to "review" a call.
9.) Dallas Cowboys (6-2)
Speaking of pornos..... Tony Romo and Miles Austin are both quite good Porno names. Especially the last name of Romo. Anyway, they are playing really well right now. Except, really do you trust them? Many people will have them above Arizona, but really, if those two played tomorrow, I'll pick Arizona, whether the game was in Glendale or the St. Jerry's Basilica. It's just a matter of time before Romo shows those true INT-machine colors.
8.) Arizona Cardinals (5-3)
If they just learned how to win at home, they would be special. They have the second-highest peak of any NFC team behind only the Saints. They can be amazing if they want to. Larry Fitzgerald astounds me every week. His hands are basically vacuum gloves. You get the feeling like Kurt Warner could just heave up a Frozen Turky into the sky, shooting it out of a canon, and Fitz would get it.
7.) Denver Broncos (6-2)
Let's not overreact to the last two games. Baltimore was playing for its life, and Pittsburgh is just better. They still have enough easy games (hello Kansas City, Washington and Kansas City again!!!!) to win that division. They are still a good team, they just got outclassed yesterday. Of course, I could just be saying all this because I, for the life of me, do not want any part of the Chargers come playoff time.
6.) New England Patriots (6-2)
So, Tom Brady says Joey Porter trash-talk motivated him and his team. Thank God for that motivation, because had Joey Porter not opened his mouth, I guess the Pats would have lost. If that was the Pats extra-motivated in a big game then I fear for their future. Honestly, they were playing an average team at home, starting two rookie CBs and a second-year QB and you were trailing late in the 3rd quarter. Call me not impressed.
5.) Cincinnatti Bengals (6-2)
Now, that WAS impressive. Sweeping Baltimore is big, regardless of how good Baltimore is. Division games are always harder. Honestly, even if they lose this game against the Steelers, they have the best medicine coming up after for a loss like that. It is called the "OAK-DET-CLE" trifect. 9-3 Here we come. They will be a loud out in the postseason. I do not really want them in Indy either.
4.) Minnesota Vikings (7-1)
It feels like they have not played in years. However, maybe that is because I have trained myself to just block out all discussions of one Brett Favre and replace those memories with running loops of Dolphins jumping through Rainbows. Honestly, they will probably cruise to 10-1 with three straight home games coming up, but they have a murderous end to the season. Couple that with their inevitebly getting "late-season Favre suckiness" syndrome, and this could get interesting for their home-field advantages/bye chances.
3.) Pittsburgh Steelers (6-2)
Finally, the true Steelers emerged last night. That was the performance I have been expecting from this team all year. Honestly, anyone who does not think Ben is one of the top-5 QBs is just plain stupid or in denial. He is amazing. That defense is amazing. They have won 5 straight, and show no signs of slowing down. Plus, those were two semi-fluky losses. They have a realistic shot at 13-3, assuming they win the showdown with Cincy and split against Baltimore. Watch the fuck out for the defending champs.
2.) Indianapolis Colts (8-0)
Still, they are better. They are the best team in the AFC. Even if they lose to New England, its hard to see them not getting the top seed, with only two real hard games left (@ HOU, vs DEN). They are better than the team that played the last two weeks. Believe me, and you will after Sunday Night. We have not yet seen the best of the 2009 Indianapolis Colts.
1.) New Orleans Saints (8-0)
And we have not seen the best of the 2009 Saints. The Greatest Show on Turf comparison just gets more and more accurate. They honestly don't care about turnovers, or trailing. They know, and you know they know, that they will make a run. They will score and score alot. They can come back at any time. They can force you to make mistakes and are at a historic pace of returning turnovers to the hizz-ouse. They are amazing.
Playoff Projections
AFC
1.) Colts 14-2
2.) Steelers 12-4
3.) Patriots 12-4
4.) Broncos 11-5
5.) Bengals 11-5
6.) Texans 10-6
NFC
1.) Saints 15-1
2.) Cardinals 12-4 (more on this later)
3.) Vikings 12-4
4.) Eagles 11-5
5.) Falcons 10-6
6.) Giants 10-6
