Doing this on Thursday because of the new Thursday Night Games.
Chicago @ San Francisco (-2.5)
Interesting game. Both of these teams are in a free-fall. For the Bears, the reason is simple. Brian Urlacher's gone, the backup is gone, the corners have lost the ability to cover and Tommie Harris went full-Mike-Tyson last week. Not good, not good at all. All I have to say is that the Lovie Smith era has been fun. There were some great moments, mostly occuring back in 2005 and 2006, when Rex Grossman was your quarterback (God, is that scary). In all seriousness though, the Bears are in bad, bad shape. As for the 49ers, they are in worse shape. They are losers of four straight. They are 0-3 with Michael Crabtree in the lineup. Crabtree may already have five times as many catches, but at least Darrius Heyward-Bey has won two games. I would be all set to pick the Bears, but on a short week and a pretty long travel for Chicago, I just can't do it. The 49ers also need this game more. Now, Chicago does as well, but with Atlanta being inconsistent, the Giants sputtering and the Eagles propensity to, let's say, lose games to Oakland types, no one is running away with the last WC spot. The niners take a game in what will probably be their only alive crowd all year.
Bears 20 49ers 27 (SF)
Atlanta (-1.5) @ Carolina
My first prediction in my "10 Second Half Predictions" was that Carolina and Miami would make runs. Looking at the schedules, I was having a hard time sorting through the clusterfuck that will become the NFC Wildcard race. Let's break it down: As of right now, the Eagles and Falcons are your wild card team if the playoffs start today. Now, they are both only a half game up on the Giants, who get one more meeting against both of them. The Bears and Packers are both playing some truly shitty football at this current point, but are only a game back. The Panthers, Niners and Seahawks are all 3-5, and I predict that the Dallas resurgence is not for real, and Dallas will begin to resemble hard excrement come December. My guess is that the Eagles leapfrog Dallas. The Giants are the best team of all that I have mentioned, so I say they take the game against Atlanta and step up to the plate. Now, I could legitimately see Carolina jumping into this thing. 9-7 may be good enough to do it, and since Carolina will probably have lost to three AFC teams, their 9-4 potential NFC record could actually get them a wild-card spot. I cannot believe that I am actually talking myself into Carolina as the last wild-card team, but either way, it starts this week. BTW, all of that meandering means that Jake Delhomme will promptly go out and throw 4 picks.
Falcons 17 Panthers 27 (CAR)
Tampa Bay @ Miami (-9.5)
Even though I expect Miami to make a nice spoiler that is an awful lot of points to a team that looked like it finally realized that NFL is in season last week. Miami should win this game, and they will, because Tampa's defense still lacks any semblance of an identity. That is not good against the Wildcat/Pistol offense that Miami runs. Still, I just see that line and it strikes me as being way, way too high. Josh Freeman was great last week when it mattered, and Miami is also suited for a let-down after they fought their fins off (get it, "fins". OK, sorry, I will do better) against New England. Now, considering that Bill Parcells and Tony Sparano may get into a mafioso gunfight if they lose to their Floridian rivals, I have to believe they still win.
Buccaneers 16 Dolphins 23 (TB)
Detroit @ Minnesota (-16.5)
Man, that is a high line. The Vikings beat Detroit by that much in Detroit. Of course, that became the game infamous for a hot drunken lionness being arrested after cursing out random Lions fans. Sadly, Vikings fans won't do the same. Now that is not to say that they wont fight, because those norseman will throw helmet around all the time, but it will not include any fan hot enough to turn me on in a weird, unexplainable way. Anyway, the Vikings are just better than the Lions in every conceivable way, and it will show. It is amazing that they are about to be 8-1. Just amazing, because I know it will all be for not come January.
Lions 13 Vikings 34 (MIN)
Jacksonville @ New York (a) (-6.5)
This is an odd line for a team that has not beaten anyone not quarterbacked by JaMarcus Russell since September. Honestly, I think that Rex Ryan has gained weight, not because of nervously eating at roughly 10 buffets per week, becuase he has stopped burning calories after opening his gaping wide mouth. Him and Bart Scott (yet another LB that has lost his luster when leaving the protective shadow of Raymond Lewis - however, the other ones had the decency to shut the fuck up when their play started to decline, unlike Bartabus Scott) have been oddly quiet recently. Somehow, the Jaguars are 4-4 and with a win will have the same record as Houston, although being about a 50 times less scary team. Somehow, they can be in the title race. They killed Kansas City last week, before a flukey onside kick made it interesting, but that game was never in doubt. Now, that's what every team should do when they play inferior competition, drill them like a fucking cheap hooker. When the Jets got their opportunity Sanchize played like complete gar-bage agianst the Bills. I cannot believe I will do this, since I thought the Jags would have a 3-13 season and I still think they suck, but they get it done and go above .500. Maybe, just maybe, they will get 50% attendance at their games now.
Jaguars 23 Jets 20 (JAX)
Buffalo @ Tennessee (-6.5)
Stupidest line of the week. As in, it should be higher. If any line should be -16.5 it is this one. Seriously, the Titans are practically good now with a competent QB (it is nearly decapitatingly shocking that the competent QB in question is Vince Young). Chris Johnson makes Adrian Peterson look like a fat slug. Vince Young makes Jeff Fisher look dumb for sticking with his shuffleboard-buddy Kerry Collins for so long. By the way, the Bills stink. They have few redeeming qualities, other than their sadist ability to lose a game where the opposing QB goes 2-17. They are the worst 3-5 team in the NFL. How they beat Carolina a few weeks back is a mystery that is puzzling Einstein in his grave. Trent Edwards is back, and I am even less excited for their prospects now as before. They had a good head coach, Mike Mularkey, who they stupidly fought with and let go four years ago. All that has followed in four years with the Dick "I'm actually dead, it is just that there are fantabulously good taxidermists in Buffalo so no one knows" Jauron and his running 7-9 seasons.
Bills 10 Titans 27 (TEN)
New Orleans (-13.5) @ St. Louis
How is this line not 20. Seriously, St. Louis can play well and lose by 20. New Orleans can play badly to a good Miami team, fall behind 24-3 and win by double digits. St. Louis fans will need police protection, as when they see Brees flinging it around, they will all get inevitably depressed and dangerous with serious Greatest Show on Turf withdrawal. I will not be shocked when I hear a report on Monday morning that there were 2,000 people who jumped off the top of the Gateway Arch.
Saints 38 Rams 13 (NO)
Denver (-3.5) @ Washington
There seems to be a sudden "Denver has been exposed as a Madoff-ian Fraud" movement permeating the NFL media-lyse. I don't get it. All I can say is that media members are so endlessly narcisistic that they want Denver to fail with every living fiber of their being just so they look good when they slammed McDaniels in the offseason. That's why even after they started 6-0, beating the 6-2 Cowboys, 6-2 Patriots and then traveling to San Diego and beating every media member's favorite whore team the "resurgent" 5-3 Chargers, people questioned just how good they are. Now, when they lose two in a row, everyone is shitting out. Maybe, just maybe, they were beaten by a murderously hungry and desperate Ravens team and outclassed by a better Pittsburgh team. Pittsburgh is a great team, that is why they won on Monday Night. Not because Denver suddenly forgot how to play football. Sure, Kyle Orton and that offense has its limitations, namely: the act of throwing a football further than 20 yards, but they are not suddenly worse than the Chargers who they beat in San Diego in a "must-win, critical" game for San Diego. And, by God's almighty grace, they are not worse than the Redskins without Clinton Portis and with a fucking bingo-caller calling offensive plays, and the biggest figurehead leader since George W. Bush (yeah, I fucking said it).
Broncos 28 Redskins 14 (DEN)
Cincinnatti @ Pittsburgh (-6.5)
If the Steelers did not look like the '85 Bears on Monday Night, I would have been really, really tempted to pick the Bengals. The Bengals are a damn good football team. Carson and Ocho have their mojo going strong. Everyone is counting them out again. They were stupidly underdogs last week against a team they had already beaten at home. Now, they are probably stupidly underdogs against a team they have already beaten. In fact, I will still pick the Bengals, although I think the Steelers take the game. The Steelers are loaded. Their defense is finally resembling the 2008 Steelers Championship winning defense. For all the talk of Peyton, Brees and Tommy Boy, Big Ben is completing an insane 70.6% of his passes and has numbers right up there with that trio. Rashard Mendenhall has a Fast Willie 2006 look going on. This is about to get scary. Now, I really hope the media does not overreact to a Bengals loss here, since they are a good team, just not as good as Pittsburgh at home.
Bengals 17 Steelers 20 (CIN)
Kansas City @ Oakland (-1.5)
Amazingly, this is not the first time Oakland has been favored. But this is the first time they have deservedly been favored. The other time was back in Week 3, when they hosted Denver who everyone thought, including yours truly, was still a fraud. Since then, we have learned that Denver is for real, although many people unlearned that fact recently, and we have learned the true fraud is JaMarcus Russell. Honestly, only Ryan Leaf and Cade McNown come close to him in terms of just overall puditry. It is staggering how bad he is. What is more staggering, is that I'm not sure he is any worse than Matt Cassel. Having Randy Moss and Wes Welker can make anyone look good, and now that he is throwing to fuckers name Lance Long, the wrap has come off. This is a game full of frauds, but the only real man is Tom Cable.
Chiefs 14 Raiders 24 (OAK)
Seattle @ Arizona (-8.5)
When these teams met earlier, Arizona killed Seattle in Qwest, which is no easy feet. That was the worst home loss in history of the building (its probably not, but I'm too lazy to fact-check that statement). Luckily for Seattle, this game is in Arizona, where Arizona has stunk (save for one mysterious performance against a good Houston team). Unluckily for Seattle, they flat-out pussy up on the road. They have failed to get within 13 on the road. Arizona will make a run for the two seed, and it starts here. Also, note to Ken Whisenhunt from one of my fantasy teams, can you stop your silly power-trip and inform us of your plan to rest Anquan. I don't care if you don't tell him. Fuck him. But don't fuck all of us Boldin owners. You are better than that, Whizzy!
Seahawks 14 Cardinals 31 (ARZ)
Dallas (-2.5) @ Green Bay
I am a huge believer of the desperate game theory, which states that when two closely-matched teams play, if one needs the game alot more than the other, that team will win. This is one of those games. Dallas is probably at a stage where they can collectively get themselves off to a team picture. They seem so happy. Miles Austin and Tony Romo are seen smiling at each other. Wade Phillips has discovered a facial expression other than suicidal bewilderment. It is all rolling. On the other hand, Green Bay just gave the Buccaneers their first win, and just made Raheem Morris a winner. Now, conventional wisdom would believe that these opposing forces continue in their opposing direction. Well, I fuck conventional wisdom. Green Bay is in desperation mode, and you can't tell me otherwise. They absolutely need this game to get on the right track. Dallas probably thinks they wrapped up the division after last weeks lucky win over Philly.
Cowboys 20 Packers 27 (GB)
Philadelphia @ San Deigo (-2.5)
If I could hate the Chargers any more, I now do. They are such bastards. That was the second time this year that they played like theis weasel, soulless selves for 59 minutes, only to put together a drive out of thin air and win. This is absolute crap. Now, they suck dick at home. They had a putrid performance when hosting Oakland, only winning by 8. They lost to not-so-hot Baltimore at home back in Week 2. Then, they laid an egg in a must-win to Denver (somehow, the "Denver is fraudalent" supporters seem to have forgotten the presence of that game). They have no heart, and I will still believe that. Philly is better than them. I will always believe that. BTW, I am picking a whole lot of underdogs, but that changes dramatically in the next two games.
Eagles 26 Chargers 17 (PHI)
New England @ Indianapolis (-2.5)
Pats fans may like to think that there is a Colts-bias in the media, but look at that fucking line. The Colts are 8-0, they have won 17 straight regular season games. The Pats are 6-2, and are 1-1 in games that are against teams with winning records (the Colts are 2-0). They just had an extra week to prepare for Miami, and won by only 10 at home, yet people seem to think Tom Brady is back. The Colts injuries in the secondary are vastly overrated, as Sanders was barely playing this year and Marlin Jackson was the nickelback. Also, the Pats best QB they have faced this year was Flacco, and they didn't shut him down. Seriously, here is the list of QBs the Pats faced: Edwards (ass), Sanchez (overrated), Ryan (violently overrated), Flacco (good - but they did not stop him), Orton (average - he tore them up), Collins (gave up), Josh Johnson (I don't even need to say anything), and Chad Henne (first big road game). Now they get to face Peyton. That is like going from Pro to All-Madden in Madden. Big statement win for the Colts.
Patriots 17 Colts 31 (IND)
Baltimore (-10.5) @ Cleveland
Honestly, after pushing through those good games above, I feel bad just talking about this game. Honestly, I feel like this is talking about the Florida - Vanderbilt game. This is not even worth discussing. All I will say is that if Mike Holmgren had any sense, he would stay far, far away from Cleveland.
Ravens 31 Browns 10 (BAL)
Enjoy the Games!!
Last Week: 7-6
Season: 75-54
