Now, for the Power Rankings, to make this easier, I'll split the teams into three catagories: No Playoffs: Wild-Card/Playoff Fodder: Legitimate Title Contenders. When we get to Wild Card fodder, and Legit Title Contenders, I'll split them by conferences. It's weird, but with this incomprehensible surfeit of 7-7 teams, I feel like something has to be done.
Playoffs!?!?!!?!?!
The Dregs of the League
32.) Kansas City Chiefs (3-11)
Sure, the Rams have only one win. Then again, the Rams weren't just embarrased at home by the Cleveland Browns. To put it into perspective, I would definitely pick St. Louis, even with Keith Null (who I wrongly called Kraig last week. I'm sorry but really, the guy is Keith Null, how do you expect me to know that) over the Chiefs right now. I'm gonna say that the Scott Pioli, Todd Haley and Matt Cassel triumvirate will never smell the playoffs.
31.) St. Louis Rams (1-13)
Why did they ever change those uniforms. Sure, they are totally ghastly, and look like those yellow stripes are just yellow tape on blue tape, but they won a Super Bowl in those, and immediately changed them. That is no way to show love to the fashion-loving sectre of the football Gods.
30.) Detroit Lions (2-12)
Drew Stafford/Daunte Culpepper, I have never seen two mixed racial QBs look so similar. That was easily the worst performance by a team in a performance that will be universally hailed as a good performance in NFL history. The end is in sight, Lions fans, but you may need a telescope for that sight.
29.) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-12)
Random dominant win in Seattle on Sunday. However, I have a feeling that it says alot more about where that Seattle franchise has gone to than it being a sign of some Buccaneer ressurection. Sure, the Raiders are the butt of more jokes, but looking at it seven years later, the Raiders are in a better position to win the Super Bowl than the Buccaneers are right now. And to me, that is all that matters.
28.) Washington Redskins (4-10)
That was just despicable last night. Other than the persuasive powers of Dan Snyder's wallet, what would draw Mike Shanahan to this team. Jason Campbell is average at best, however he gets no protection at all. The Devin Thomas/Malcolm Kelly combo has done nothing, they have an aging RB and TE, and have no depth on defense. What is appealling? At least Chicago has a good QB (I know calling Cutler a good QB is a strecth, but he just didn't forget how to play overnight).
27.) Cleveland Browns (3-11)
Josh Cribbs is the second greatest kick/punt returner ever. The Browns are evidently considering turning him into a Wide Receiver. You would think that they would learn from what happened to the Greatest kick/punt returner ever when they tried to turn him into a WR. BTW, his name rhymes with "Kevin Fester".
26.) Seattle Seahawks (5-9)
God, that was even more despicable than what the Redskins did. Good God. Now I see why Mike Holmgren picked Cleveland over Seattle. That is a mess. Mora Jr. is an awful, over-his-head head coach. He has to be right behind Eric Mangini in the "How did this coach ever get a second job" hall-of-fame.
Spoilers, but Really, Nothing More
25.) Buffalo Bills (5-9)
Seems like I overrated Perry Fewell's power. The Bills lost at home when they outrushed and outpassed New England on Sunday. They had every opportunity possible to win that game, or at least send it into overtime, but they just committed penalty after penalty. Imagine telling some Buffalo-ite after their 4th consecutive Super Bowl loss that they would lose 14 in a row to the ragged New England Patriots. They would probably do nothing, since they are from the most unconfrontational city in America, but they would definitely be mad on the inside.
24.) Chicago Bears (5-9)
Jay Cutler is not this bad. That is all I have to say. Maybe if you get him a real receiver, and stop this idiotic conversion of turning most dynamic and exciting player in the NFL into a 3rd-receiver, you may go back to the heights of 2006. I mean, Minnesota is not that much more talented. OK, maybe that last line was a lie, but, Philadelphia is not that much more talented, except for the receiver position.
23.) San Francisco 49ers (6-8)
......... (team didn't show up, their wrap-up is not showing up)
22.) Oakland Raiders (5-9)
They have beaten the Eagles (10-4), Steelers (7-7), Bengals (9-5) and Broncos (8-6). I'm not sure any team has beaten three teams with eight wins currently. Actually the Colts have (and probably some others, but I'm feeling lazy). If they get any passing game, and if they just get like 10% more consistent, they will make a serious Wild Card push next year. Honestly, knowing that they probably have given up on J-Russ (even with that sloppy good performance), makes me so much happier about the prospects of my first wife (NFL-team wise). The NFL is better off when the Raiders are good.
21.) Carolina Panthers (6-8)
Those were the Panthers I expected to show up the whole second half of the year. That 0-3 start just killed them, but they are 6-5 since. They still have a young, talented team (apart from QB). Maybe, just maybe, Matt Moore is that guy. If so, they will be right back at the top of the league next year. Also, Steve Smith is a baller.
20.) Atlanta Falcons (7-7)
Nice win. I did not expect them to pull that game out at all. The actually have a chance at getting their first back-to-back winning seasons in franchise history. Yes, that's right, they've never done that. The Colts have now seven consecutive 12 win season, and the Falcons have never even had two consecutive 9 win seasons.
I Mean, the Cardinals Did it Last Year!!
AFC
Ahhh, yes, the 7-7 Brigade (with some foxy 8-6 teams mixed in, for pure perversion). All of these teams are as likely as the next to make the playoffs. They are all pretty much 6-5 or 5-6 in conference. Some of them even play each other. This upcoming order is subject to massive change in the upcoming two weeks, like Kabeer level change.
12.) New York Jets (7-7)
The Jets, for my money, are the worst. They have a good defense, but it strikes me as one that is a tad overrated, having feasted on too many of the Falcons and Bills of the world. Their QB is still redefining "atrocious" and "catastrophic fall into the lower depths of hell" as we speak. And their coach is now pushing 4-bills. Not good, especially with the Colts, who will have to play Manning so Pey-Pey gets some timing down with the finally healthy Anthony Gonzalez. Look out, that bottom's about to drop.
11.) Denver Broncos (8-6)
That bottom has long dropped. Mother of God, was that pitiful. The Raiders running game, the most variant good running game in the NFL, ran through them like they were a daisy patch. They blew a 6 point lead to JAMARCUS RUSSELL. I cannot believe that this team hooked me in. I thought they would go 2-14. Well, you know what. Screw them. For all I know, those first six wins were all fixed, just so no loony Denver-ian didn't snipe Josh McDaniel's and force-feed Kyle Orton his own beard. They are 2-6 in my books, which makes me close to correct.
10.) Jacksonville Jaguars (7-7)
They impressed me Thursday Night. Of course, they had everything to play for at home against a team with nothing to play for, but still, that was impressive. Reminded me alot of the Week 17 Pats/Giants game in 2007. However, I bet my whole life the Jaguars are not playing in Super Bowl XLIV, like those Giants did. Also, am I the only one who thinks that MoJo Drew is kind of a douchy prick.
9.) Miami Dolphins (7-7)
Heartbreaking loss. Of all the 7-7 teams, they are the crucial one. They play two other 7-7's (hosting both HOU and PIT), and can either make the playoffs by sweeping out, or giving those two hope. Why do I feel they will all end up 8-8 just to screw with the minds of the public. Honestly, that "Playoff Clincher Scenarios" column for Week 17 is going to be longer than Thucydides' Polleponesian War (Oh, Thucydides, how I wish I could meet you and cut off your fingers, dip them in your own excrement, and serve them to you, fondue style).
8.) Houston Texans (7-7)
The ultimate dark horse. Two tough games left, with a trip to Miami followed by hosting the Pats. Now, the Pats will have sown up tha division, but will probably be playing for the third seed. The third seed nets them a trip to San Diego, while the fourth nets them a trip to Indianapolis (or SD). My guess is that the Pats would rather get the 3 seed, so they will be trying. This all leads me to this: I'm pretty sure that even if they win out, they probably don't get it, but they will be a huge thorn in the side of New England.
7.) Pittsburgh Steelers (7-7)
Boy, that Steeler defense is just plain bad. Has a defense ever fallen further in just one year. That was embarrasing. They cannot get near the pass-rush of last year, and that back-end resembles Florida's in that SEC Title Game (no game since Super Bowl XLII has given so much joy to see a team go down). Troy Polamalu cannot mean this much. It's not possible, unless he is hiding HGH in that hair of his.
6.) Tennessee Titans (7-7)
That was a gutty win against two desperate teams. It says so much about Jeff Fisher as a coach that they can get to .500 after that 0-6 start. However, it says more about just how good these Colts are that they are the only team to beat the Titans in the last 8, and not only did they beat Tennessee, they were leading 27-10, before the Titans got a garbage time TD. OK, I'm done heaping praise on the Colts, until the Colts part.
5.) Baltimore Ravens (8-6)
They just feast on these bad teams. Somehow, their defense is right back up to number two in points allowed. They are a scary proposition for that 3-4 seed who has to play them. Joe Flacco has really gotten his level of play back up after that midseason swoon. Ray Rice is second only to Chris Johnson on the "Orgasmingly high Excitement Generator of an NFL-Player-ma-tron". Good team, dangerous round one, but probably not as good as the 6 seed Ravens from last year.
4.) New England Patriots (9-5)
This may be the Patriots hater putting them in this group, but I don't see why they should be as good as the top-3 in the AFC. Sure, they are technically ranked ahead of the Bengals, but if those two teams played tomorrow in some nuetral site, I'm taking the Bengals. Brady just looks off. That was an inexplicably bad performance. The Weather wasn't even that bad. They tried that whole "We'll show you, NFL, for doubting (in this case) Moss" vengeance shit that was so effective in 2007. What did it generate: 5 catches and 70 yards for Moss and a 17-10 win. God, if that's the angry Pats, sign me up. However, as you will see in the upcoming list, I do not want them coming to Indy in round 2.
(Quickie side-bar rankings)
Fear Rankings of these teams on the prospect of them coming into Indy in round 2
8.) Jets (Child Please)
7.) Jaguars (Child Please^2)
6.) Dolphins (They lost when they played perfectly in Week 2)
5.) Ravens (Nowhere near as good against actual competition)
4.) Titans (Chris Johnson is a Greek God)
3.) Pats (They're the Pats)
2.) Steelers (They're the Champs, and they did it to us in 2005)
1.) Texans (They just scare me. Going 3-0 against a team is tough)
NFC
7.) Dallas Cowboys (9-5)
I know, I know. I'm knocking them down after a franchise-changing win. Well, I feel like I have reason. Washington may no longer be tough (I mean, they looked like a Division-3 school against the Giants), but with a one game lead, and having been swept by the Giants, that Week 17 game looks scary. The Eagles will probably still be alive for the second seed, so they won't lay down. That will be serious. One game does not a difference make. Last year, they beat the 11-2 Giants in Week 15, and then lost their next two games 77-30.
6.) New York Giants (8-6)
That was impressive. The Redskins were playing pretty well the last couple of weeks, and they did everything short of making the Redskins play the role of the catcher last night. They were so far superior. That is the team that ran roughshod through the league through 13 Weeks last year. Eli Manning quietly is having a very good statistical year. The defense seems to have some swagger back. Hell, Jacobs is head-hunting Albert "I once stomped on a man's face" Haynesworth. Go get them, Gotham-ites.
5.) Green Bay Packers (9-5)
So much for that "Good lord, that Packers defense in FIERCE" sandstorm that was whirling up. They got pressure on Roethlisberger, but pressure is secondary to the simpler things of covering people. Aaron Rodgers continued his good year, and I'm pretty sure he is now outperforming Favre with a slightly weaker supporting cast. I am pretty sure Minnesota wants no part of them come round two (one??).
If One of Us Don't Win, then the NFL Playoffs is Essentially March Madness without the Co-Eds or the Cheating/Money-Grabbing Coaches
AFC
3.) Cincinnati Bengals (9-5)
That was a great performance. I really want to see the rematch in the divisional round, but it looks like we're locked into Pats/Chargers (unless Santa answers my call and the Pats get knocked off in Round 1). The finally decided to let Palmer rip, and they exposed what is an above-average secondary. Chad looks like a man-possessed, and seeing from 2003-2007, that is not a one-game thing. Look for this team to win out, and gather steam heading into the playoffs where they will probably be under-dogs against a Baltimore team who they swept.
2.) San Diego Chargers (11-3)
I'll admit it, these are not the 2007-2008 Chargers. These are the exact opposite. Statistically, this is not a great team. However, they now win those big-time games against good competition. They rise to the occassion. They may make it look ugly, and LT may still be cryogenically frozen, with a CGI-d hologram taking his place every Sunday, but they just win. I was wrong, San Diego.
1.) Indianapolis Colts (14-0)
What more can Peyton do. 7 4th quarter comebacks, and to think people considered Brady the better clutch player?!?!?! Two of his top-3 targets from last year are gone, and were replaced by a mormon and a player from Mount Union. What does he do: lead the team swimmingly. Honestly, seeing Manning play QB is like watching Eddie Van Halen play guitar. Just soak it all in. It won't last forever. Manning will eventually retire, like Eddie will eventually have a catfight with David Lee Roth, but while it is here, there is nothing better. Also, that defense is still something. Sure, they were smashed for 3 quarters, but that was with Freeney and Mathis playing sparingly. Those two played much of the 4th quarter, and the Jags were scoreless. Now, it's all up to Caldwell to see whether we can have a second 16-0 team in three years.
NFC
4.) Minnesota Vikings (11-3)
I was right, they would have to fight for the 2 seed, I just picked the wrong team to wrestle it away. What was that? At least losing to Arizona, when Arizona is playing on beast-mode is defendable. Getting toad-smacked by Carolina?? That is just too much. Brett Favre wasn't even the 4-int Favre. What happened to that offensive line. I guess Bryant McKinnie isn't the greatest LT since Ogden, as Peter Kings was hailing him as. I guess Adrian Peterson is not Walter Payton incarnate. They are still a good team, and I guess they can hold on to that 2-seed, but believe me, teams are lining out through the door for the prospect of going there in round two and not the Superdome (or Philly, or even Arizona).
3.) Arizona Cardinals (9-5)
I'll say this. On my teams with the highest ceiling list (which I will rank my top-5 at the end of the power-rankings (I know, I know, so many rankings)) the Cards are very, very close to the top. They have a level that very few teams can match. Now, they never seem to want to reach it, unless they are playing a good team, but that isn't too worrying come playoff time. They will be a tough out, as they are vastly better defensively this year than last. Warner has been a bit off since the Vikings game, though. On the flip side, Beanie Wells gives them great balance.
2.) Philadelphia Eagles (10-4)
They are who we thought they were. I thought this team would be one of the better NFC teams (3rd, behind the Giants and the Pack (oops)). McNabb looks like he did back in 2002. DeSean Jackson is creeping up on the "Holy Fuck, Did He Just Do That!?!?" list, and the running game has stayed surprisingly average without Westbrook. Also, let's not forget the job of Sean McDermott, who filled Shaq-sized shoes replacing the late Jim Johnson. That was no easy task, and he is passing with merit. (As a comparison, just look at the job Bill Sheridan has done filling in for Spags, and Johnson's shoes were twice as big.)
1.) New Orleans Saints (13-1)
Sure, they lost one game, but the biggest problem with people trying to analyze the NFL is taking too much stock from one game. It happens. Other than the '72 Dolphins (and up to now, the '09 Colts) everyone has a bad game. Now, if they don't mercilessly destroy the Bucs this week, then I'll think about moving them, but they are still the team to beat in the NFC.
Projected Playoff Seeding:
AFC
1.) Indianapolis Colts (15-1)
2.) San Diego Chargers (12-4)
3.) Cincinnati Bengals (11-5)
4.) New England Patriots (10-6)
5.) Dont Have The Mental
6.) Capacity to Work These Two Out
NFC
1.) New Orleans Saints (14-2)
2.) Philadelphia Eagles (12-4)
3.) Minnesota Vikings (12-4)
4.) Arizona Cardinals (11-5)
5.) Green Bay Packers (11-5)
6.) New York Giants (10-6)
The Highest Ceiling Ranking
5.) Pittsburgh Steelers - Troy makes a difference, and their ceiling is a slightly less-good version of the 2008 Super Bowl Champions. If they find their ceiling, I hope to God two other 9-7 teams make it in.
4.) Philadelphia Eagles - They can be explosive offensively, and pressure defensively. Only weakness, no real running game, and that defensive back-end is suspect.
3.) Arizona Cardinals - Witness that Minnesota game. Their defense can be dominant if they want. Their offense, especially the Fitz-Boldin-Warner hook-up can be deadly. They are a team who, when they want to, can beat any team in the league.
2.) New Orleans Saints - Their ceiling is that team that mercillesly clubbed the baby-seal that was the Patriots on MNF. This team has the ability to be the 2007 Pats, regular season version.
1.) Indianapolis Colts - Their ceiling is the 1989 49ers, who outscored their playoff competitions 126-26.
Yes, the marathon, Simmons-esque in length, power rankings is done.
