OK, so I did a long, mostly analytical review column yesterday, which means, in this eternally balanced world, a short, joking column (I won't say funny, becuase it's a bit pretentious to assume it will be).
32.) St. Louis Rams (1-12)
Kraig Null?? I guess seeing as Kurt Warner turned out good, they went back to the Hy-Vee to see who was now stocking their shelves.
31.) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-12)
They got their first first down in the third quarter. Then the fans cheered, not for the first down, but becuase a new IHOP opened outside the stadium.
30.) Detroit Lions (2-11)
Do you think Daunte Culpepper gets laughed at more for losing by 45, or the fact that he actually once threw 39 TDs in one year.
29.) Kansas City Chiefs (3-10)
I guess it is decided. Scott Pioli had nothing to do with the success in New England. Also decided: Matt Cassel is the worst free-agent QB not named "McCown" of "Feeley" of "Detmer".
28.) Cleveland Browns (2-11)
Considering Mike Tomlin was in that ski-mask thing, and Eric Mangini only in a whale costume, is it amazing that I left feeling that Mangini was the more manly of the two.
27.) Washington Redskins (4-9)
I am pretty sure that when JaMarcus entered the game, all the Redskins defenders thought "Oh, wow, this is just like when we practiced against the Zorn offense."
26.) Seattle Seahawks (5-8)
I bet they dream of Super Bowl XL now. Sure they got royally screwed by the officials (honestly, Tom Donaghy applauds your work, Bill Leavey), but at least they were in position to get royally screwed. Also, Shaun Alexander wasn't wearing adult daipers at that point.
25.) Oakland Raiders (4-9)
I am seriously in depression becuase Bruce Gradkowski is not our starting QB any more. I do not know what is more sad, that or the fact that Darrius Heyward-Bey has fewer catches than Guinton Ganther.
24.) Buffalo Bills (5-8)
I'm pretty sure the Buffalo area is already on that Sabres bandwagon. Ryan Fitzpatrick?? Hmmph. It's all about Ryan Miller, BABY!!!!
23.) Chicago Bears (5-8)
Interesting stat: with Jay Cutler leading the NFL in INTs, Peyton Manning, Brett Favre and John Elway have all led the league in INTs. However, so has Marc Bulger.
22.) Atlanta Falcons (6-7)
Did I start hearing a "we want Chris Redman" chant last week? Or are those only reserved for dog killing sideshows?
21.) Carolina Panthers (5-8)
DeAngelo Williams is the king of the "Great Stats, but really zero impact on the outcome of the game" legion. Queen of said region: a tie between Wes Welker and Brandon Marshall.
20.) Jacksonville Jaguars (7-6)
Seems like this Thursday's game will actually be a sell-out. It sounds enticing, but it is "Sign a Petition to Rid Jacksonville of an NFL Team" Day.
19.) San Francisco 49ers (6-7)
Frank Gore looked absolutely Chris Johnson-ian yesterday. Why don't they run it more? Why, in God's name why, are they running a "wide-open offense" with small hands Alex Smith.
18.) New York Jets (7-6)
At least Kellen Clemens knows how to slide.
17.) Houston Texans (6-7)
Andre Johnson is Wes Welker and Randy Moss combined. He's the deep-threat that Moss is (but is capable of taking some hits), and the underneath threat of Wes Welker (while not the ingratiating little witch that Welker is).
16.) Pittsburgh Steelers (6-7)Honestly, Mike Tomlin, that was sad. This is not Siberia, or Fairbanks, Alaska. You are from Pittsburgh, you are used to the Cold. What message are you sending your players by having more layers than a leopoard have spots.
15.) New York Giants (7-6)
Interesting loss there. I think it is the first time ever the Giants have lost a heartbreaker of a game and niether Coughlin nor Eli took any heat. They probably don't want this season to end afterall.
14.) Miami Dolphins (7-6)
I guess the Wildcat isn't that important after all.
13.) Dallas Cowboys (8-5)
I guess December does matter after all.
12.) Tennessee Titans (6-7)
If only they did not start 0-6. I also find it good credence to the Colts greatness that the one team to beat them in the last 7 games is the Colts, who had a 21-10 lead on them at half-time. That is putting the HAMMER down.
11.) Baltimore Ravens (8-5)
They need a new influx of players from the U. However, maybe the alternatively need an influx of players from The Rutgers.
10.) New England Patriots (8-5)
I'll take the analytic homer approach here. From 2002-2005, Manning had really only two targets, Harrison and Wayne. Stokley was a nice player, and Clark wasn't Clark. He went 10-6, 12-4, 12-4. 14-2. Brady now has essentially two targets, with a lackluster defense that can own awful teams and do nothing against good teams (much like the Colts from 2002-2004), and has gone 8-5 with 23 TDS and 11 ints. I think this helps settle that Manning-Brady debate.
9.) Denver Broncos (8-5)
If only they had one other receiver that could do anything. I mean, Eddie Royal, that man of amazing ability, had one catch. How come I don't hear anyone calling Marshall a ball-hog.
8.) Green Bay Packers (9-4)
Imagine if Kampman and Al Harris were still healthy. They would have the most dread-locked cornerback duo and the whitest front seven (Kamp, Hawk, Matthews, Poppinga) in the NFL. Sure they would be better as well, but that racial dichotomy is really something.
7.) Cincinnatti Bengals (9-4)
I was wrong. I was wrong. I was wrong. I was wrong. They are not the 2003 Patriots. They are not the 2008 Steelers. Whatever. Just go beat San Diego, and all is forgiven.
6.) Arizona Cardinals (8-5)
I was not wrong, they are still dangerous as anything in those NFC playoffs. They are a team whose peak is K2 height (Colts and Saints are everest).
5.) San Diego Chargers (10-3)
Phil Rivers is 16-0 in December. Unfortunately for him, he is 3-3 in January. Also, LDT is so bad now, people actually get excited with the statline of 21 rushes 50 yards 1 td.
4.) Philadelphia Eagles (9-4)
Jim Johnson was probably turning over after that defensive performance, but Bill Walsh was giving his most rotund protoge a standing ovation.
3.) Minnesota Vikings (11-2)
Adrian Peterson hasn't really been himself, but somehow they just put up points. It is stunning, they are about to be the highest scoring team in Favre's history. However, Reggie White will sack the hell out of you, Favre, when you meet him in heaven if you continue this "This is the best team I have ever been on" garbage. That 1996 team led the NFL in points scored AND points allowed, something that's happened only twice, EVER.
2.) New Orleans Saints (13-0)
Maybe the saw a lanky white QB back there and just thought Matt Ryan was playing? Becauase other than that, that was inexcusable. Also, Sean Payton, please throw the NFL a bone and get rid of Reggie Bush at the end of the year, and send your stupid visor that you wear indoors and in cold weather strapped to Bush's ass.
1.) Indianapolis Colts (13-0)
Please, please don't rest players until that Buffalo game. Caldwell already said that they will go all out in Jacksonville, but for that last home game, try to win. Please, Jim, Please.
