On Nole and The Chase

"I want to first congratulate Nole for a great tournament. You are going to win this trophy [the US Open] and more slams very soon. I am sure of that. I also want to congratulate Nole too for his great attitude in losing a Grand Slam Final. I know how tough it can be, and you showed a great attitude, which is a great example for the kids."
- Rafael Nadal after winning the 2010 US Open,

Rafael Nadal never knew how true those words would be, and that less than a year later, it would be Novak trying to lift Rafa's spirits after beating him in a splendid US Open Final. Tennis is a sport that moves quickly, but usually not this quickly. It was only a year ago when the question "Does Rafa actually have a good chance to be better than Federer?" was a legitimate question. It still is, but there are more pressing issues. Rafael Nadal won the last three slams of 2010. He won the French Open without dropping a set (something he did in 2008 as well). He dropped just one set in his run to his first US Open title, being broken just 5 times in the entire tournament. He was the first man since Rod Laver to win three straight slams in the same season, and the first player EVER to win a slam on each surface in the same year (something that separates Rafa's 3-slam year from Federer's or Djokovic). Rafael Nadal, as he always does when he beats Djokovic and Murray, told Nole that he was sure he would win another slam. That he was too talented. That he was a great champion. Rafa is not #1 anymore, but he at least saw the next guy coming.

A year later, Novak Djokovic is 64-2, winning three slams and five more Masters 1000 events (the next best tournaments). He's 6-0 against Nadal on the year, all in finals. He's beaten him on hard court, grass, and even twice on clay, matches that were ironically the most one-sided of any of the six. Novak has had possibly the best year ever (although he really hasn't had too much better of a year than Federer in 2006). Novak owns Nadal. The head to head in early 2010 was 14-4, and by the end of 2010 it was still 16-7. Now it's 16-13. Now, Novak looks unbeatable, with a good enough serve, a great forehand, a better backhand, and an incredible return. He looks to be a complete player without weakness. Federer had a weakness. He didn't like backhands up high. Nadal could pound that weakness until it he won. Rafa doesn't have any such plan against Nole other than to just outplay him, and for 2011, he, and basically everyone else, could not.

This is really all Federer's fault (like most things in tennis, in my opinion). He created this monster, and he recharged it one year later. Djokovic prior to the 2010 US Open was known as an underachieving young player. Wildly talented, he made five straight semifinals from 2007-2008, at the age of 20-21. He won a slam at 20 (younger than Federer when he won his first). I always thought he was unfairly penned as underperforming, considering he was going up against Federer and Nadal. That said, he did have a penchant to lose close sets and choke at the worst times. The most notable example would be in his three successive US Open losses to Federer from 2007-2009. They played 10 sets. Federer won 9. Six of those sets ended either 7-6 or 7-5. Djokovic lost close sets like it was a disease. Djokovic also had an infuriating ability to retire from Grand Slam matches. All in all, Djokovic seemed like someone who didn't care hard enough about tennis to beat Federer and Nadal.

Then the 2010 US Open semifinal happened. In a match where he lost two of the first four sets 7-5, both times losing the 5-6 game on serve, he was about to choke again. Serving at 4-5, 15-40, Djokovic played two incredible points, mashing two forehand winners. He then broke Federer in the next game and served it out. Djokovic scored his first clutch win over Federer/Nadal in a Grand Slam (his 2008 win over Federer was later marred by Federer's bout with mono), in a match that in my opinion was better overall than the semifinal one year later, especially the 5th set. He held serve, literally, when facing incredible pressure. He manned up and downed a man who had made six straight US Open Finals. I'm convinced that the new Djokovic started that day. Ever since, he's always risen to the moment (save for two matches - the Final against Nadal and the French Open semi).

The creation of a tennis monster: the 5th set of the 2010 US Open Semifinal

One year later, Federer had the same situation. After playing the best match he's played in years, in my opinion, Federer, after looking old in the third and fourth sets, was on fire in the fifth. He again had two match points, but this time he was serving. When Federer was at his peak, this was the biggest lock in tennis. What Djokovic did next was what Federer at his prime used to do to people. He broke, held, then broke again, and before you knew it it was all over. I'll curse Federer, because I knew Nadal could beat him. Novak was a different story.

The 2011 US Open Final itself isn't interesting to talk about. Djokovic did what he did the previous five times against Nadal. He just played better than Rafa. It is that simple. What I want to talk about next is the state of Mr. Rafael Nadal. Nadal is now definitely facing the biggest test of his career. This isn't just his version of Nadal-Federer. It's worse. Federer at least beat Nadal every now and then in Federer's prime. Nadal has now lost his last 6. It's worse because Nadal's opponent is not just Novak, it is history as well. Rafa has a shot to be named the best player ever. Novak will never get there, but Rafa can. That's why there's more at stake than just not being #1. Rafa tries harder than any other player ever. No player forces a fourth set in that match. No one. Rafa had to exert an incredible amount of energy to win that third set. Rafa will solve this, because it isn't tactical. It is simple really, he just has to play better.

Rafa won six French Open's playing defense. He won his only US Open playing offense. He served over 130 for really his first time in his life. He became the lefty Federer, just standing in the middle and whipping incredible shots. He was dominant. He just wasn't as good this year. Things can change. Hell, Rafa once won six straight against Nole and that didn't stop Nole from turning the table. He'll have to work harder than ever, but I know he will. I know he can work harder than everyone else. I know he will beat Djokovic at some point. I might be wrong, but nothing lasts forever. Just ask Rafael Nadal, circa September 2010.


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One last thing: I get infuriated by the "Djokovic is to Nadal what Nadal was to Federer." Although it is really one sided over the past year, that is nowhere close to the truth. Yes, the rivalry is really trending towards Novak right now, but if both players retire today, Nadal's the better player, and it isn't really close. Nadal's won a career slam. Nadal's has as many French Open's as Djokovic has Slam Finals. Also, to further the point, Nadal still has the 16-13 edge head to head. Yes, it was 14-4 18 months ago and 16-7 a year ago, but Nadal still has the edge. Nadal still has the edge head to head in slams 5-2. Wins at the end of the career don't mean more than wins in the beginning. If Djokovic never loses to Nadal again, then yes, he is the Nadal to Nadal's Federer, but let's wait and see.


Bonus List: Top Player Season's I've Ever Seen:

1.) Federer 2006 - The year that he was basically untouchable. 92-5. He played 17 tournaments and reached 16 Finals, winning 12 of them. He won the same three majors Novak did, plus making the Final in the 4th - which Nole didn't. That was also the closest he came to beating Nadal in a French Open final until this past one.

2.) Nadal 2010 - The reason I put this higher is because he won a slam on all three surfaces, something done previously by exactly NO ONE. He won a slam without dropping a set, and then won another dropping just one. It was probably the best performance by a player in a year if you just look at the slams, and that gives him the edge in my book over Novak who admittedly did better in non-slam events than Rafa did in 2010.

3.) Novak 2011 - The 64-2 record at this point is scary, but we'll see where he ends up at the end of the season. His year is probably the best year ever when you take away the performance at the slams. I just don't think he's been as dominant in the slams as Federer was in 2006 or Nadal was in 2010.

Yes, Rafa can beat Djokovic. If he plays like he did in the 2010 US Open Final.

Random Other List (just because I'm in a tennis-y mood and I won't write about tennis until at least the 2012 Australian Open) of the Best Matches I've Ever Seen (since 2005).

1.) 2008 Wimbledon Final: Nadal def. Federer 6-4 6-4 6-7 6-7 9-7.

It's still the best I've ever seen. The hitting was incredible, from an epic first point to the incredible tiebreak in the 4th set, to finishing it out in the last vestiges of daylight. Everything was so beautiful about his match. Tennis has never been more artistic.


2.) 2005 Australian Open Semifinal: Safin def. Federer 5-7 6-4 5-7 7-6 9-7

The 2008 Wimbledon Final was more artistic, it was more about shotmaking. This was more about hitting. Federer never seemed more unbeatable than at the start of 2005. We had never really see a man run through the field like Federer in 2004. This was not only a stunning upset, but an exceptional match between Federer and the only man of his generation that had the talent to beat him when Federer played well. Federer lost a match point after Safin hit an incredible lob in the 4th set.


3.) 2009 Australian Open Final: Nadal def. Federer 7-5 3-6 7-6 3-6 6-2

The 5th set was anticlimactic, but for four sets, the tennis rivaled the 2008 Wimbledon Final. Nadal came up with amazing shot after amazing shot, and this after playing a 5 hour semifinal two nights before. Federer too was playing well, killing the forehand. If you have to watch just the highlights of a match, this is probably the best one.


4.) 2009 Australian Open Semifinal: Nadal def. Verdasco 6-7 6-4 7-6 6-7 6-4

It took five hours and fourteen minutes to finish. They played until two in the morning. Both being lefties, the angles hit in the match were ridiculous. It was really tennis being played at a video game level.


5.) 2010 US Open Semifinal: Djokovic def Federer 5-7 6-1 5-7 6-2 7-5

The match that started Nole's run had arguably the most dramatic 5th set ever. The first four weren't that great, but that 5th set made up for everything. Djokovic saving two match points with ballsy hitting. Federer saving break point after break point earlier in the match. This was the match that would create the monster.


Other matches worth Youtubing the highlights of: 2009 US Open Final (del Potro def. Federer), 2010 US Open Final (Nadal def Djokovic), 2009 Wimbledon Final (Federer def. Roddick), 2004 US Open Quarterfinal (Federer def. Agassi).

2011 NFL Season Predictions

For these predictions I am assuming Peyton Manning plays at most 8 games, and probably in the 3-6 range if at all. This already makes me sad beyond belief.


AFC East

1.) New England Patriots 12-4 (3)

They're still good, but there is no way their offense can be that good and protect the ball that well again. Their defense still is average, as I don't think acquiring four thirty year old players will make much of a difference.


2.) New York Jets 9-7

I don't like what they did this offseason. Don't understand why they would replace Braylon Edwards and Jerrico Cotchery, with two similar players (Plax and Derrick Mason) who are both older.


3.) Miami Dolphins 7-9

I like their defense, but every day I feel embarrassed that I once said that Chad Henne would be a major player. I haven't been more wrong on anything, other than possibly picking the A's to win the AL West.


4.) Buffalo Bills 5-11

I like their offense, but their defense is still a few years away. In the past, the Bills at least had some intriguing players in the secondary, but even that pipeline has seems to have closed.


AFC North

1.) Baltimore Ravens 13-3 (1)

I'm not sure why I like the Ravens to have the best record in the NFL. Probably because it is statistically impossible for that defense to ever be bad. Also, Joe Flacco quietly had a great year in 2010 and I think he's ready to become an elite player in the NFL.


2.) Pittsburgh Steelers 11-5 (5)

They are still loaded but I am a full believer in the "Super Bowl loser" curse. The Steelers are talented enough and their schedule easy enough that this is considered a step down for a team that has an intriguing offense.


3.) Cleveland Browns 7-9

I like Colt McCoy, and I like their moxie. They are kind of like the Tampa Bay Buccaneers of 2010 of the AFC. They play in a really tough division, so it will be hard to match those Bucs' 10 wins, but they are still a good young team.


4.) Cincinnati Bengals 5-11

If they weren't starting a rookie QB, I might have them quite a bit better, because I really like their offensive skill position players. Their defense still needs to improve their pass rush by, how you say, a lot.


AFC South

1.) Houston Texans 10-6

Yes, it is finally their year. The rest of the division is mostly a mess now that the Colts are missing Manning for a long time. The Titans are relying on Matt Hasselbeck, who is basically living off of the Wild Card game. The Texans have, in my opinion, the best offense in the NFL.


2.) Indianapolis Colts 7-9

It is sad, because if Manning missed any fewer than 8 games, I might think they could sneak out a weak division. There is no way Manning is missing less than 8 games however, so the Colts are screwed. I now know how Patriots' fans must have felt in 2008. Except I'm not going to claim all year long that the NFL season is tainted.


3.) Tennesse Titans 6-10

They only reason they will win seven games is because they play in the AFC South. Their defense also has its moments, and CJ is god for about two wins himself.


4.) Jacksonville Jaguars 4-12

For the umpteenth year, I'm going to say the Jaguars will suck badly. They cut David Garrard and are going with Luke McCown which has never worked. Their defense is still mostly awful and somehow Jack Del Rio still has a job. I have no idea either.


AFC West

1.) San Diego Chargers 12-4 (2)

They probably won't have the #1 offense and defense by yards. Then again, they won't have a special teams that by itself costs the Chargers two games. Phil Rivers will have V-Jax back plus hopefully a full year of Antonio Gates. They are good. Real good.


2.) Oakland Raiders 9-7 (6)

I can dream, can't I? They have a doable schedule, including two pancakes in their division. They have a good defense that features one of the best d-lines in football. They have a great running game. Jason Campbell won't screw things up. That's a recipe for getting close.


3.) Kansas City Chiefs 5-11

This is going to be a major year after effect for the Chiefs, a team that was already getting exposed late last season. They just don't have the skill position players and I don't think Matt Cassel is any good at all.


4.) Denver Broncos 4-12

I like John Fox. I guarantee they won't lose at home 59-14. I like Kyle Orton. That all said, they still have an atrocious defense, one that is now switching to a 4-3. It will take a few years to rectify what Josh McDaniels screwed up.


NFC

NFC East

1.) New York Giants 11-5 (3)

The Giants are a team that should have made the playoffs a year ago. Their offense is very good, and that was with Eli throwing a flukily high amount of touchdowns. Hakeem Nicks and Mario Manningham, I predict, will become one of the better 1-2 combinations in the NFL.


2.) Philadelphia Eagles 10-6 (5)

The Eagles are not the "dream team" but they are very good. Michael Vick probably won't have that kind of year again, but he won't have to. The defense, especially the pass defense, should be better with the three corners that they have.


3.) Dallas Cowboys 8-8

Yes, Tony Romo is back, but in all honesty Jon Kitna was good last year. I don't know if Romo will make that much a difference for the Cowboys. The Cowboys defense will be a huge question with Wade gone.


4.) Washington Redskins 6-10

Yeah, I believe in Rex Grossman somewhat. He reminds me a lot of Jake Plummer when he came to Denver to play for Shanahan. The only difference here is that the Broncos that Plummer came to were a lot better than these Redskins.


NFC North

1.) Green Bay Packers 12-4 (2)

They are still among the most talented teams in the NFL. I don't make to much of a big deal about Grant and Finley returning. Finley can help, but Ryan Grant is an older running back coming off of a major injury.


2.) Detroit Lions 9-7 (6)

Yup, I'm a believer. I like Stafford. I love Megatron. What I love the most is that front seven on defense. We all know about the d-line with Suh, KVB, CLiff Avril and Nick Fairley when he plays. That said, the linebackers are quite good, especially after the pickup of Stephen Tulloch.


3.) Chicago Bears 9-7

I don't see too much of a drop off. They cannot have that good of injury luck on defense, but then again, I think that the offense will get better in year 2 under Mike Martz. He'll use Forte even more in the Marshall Faulk role, and I like Roy Williams in Martz's offense.


4.) Minnesota Vikings 7-9

Their defense is still very talented. Donovan McNabb is definitely an upgrade over 2010's Brett Favre and Joe Webb. That said, they are depending on Bernard Berrian and Percy Harvin as their top receivers.


NFC South

1.) New Orleans Saints 13-3 (1)

I still love this team. Yes, their defense couldn't stop a thing on opening night, but they still had a great chance to win that game (especially considering they were twice stopped on 4th down inside the 10 yard line). Also, that opening game is the biggest lock in gambling. The defending champ is now 8-0 since they started it in 2004.


2.) Atlanta Falcons 9-7

I think they will take a little step back. Julio Jones will need some time to develop and I think Michael Turner is on the edge of being spent. They still have a really bright future, but I think they peaked in 2010 (at least peaking for this current group).


3.) Tampa Bay Buccaneers 7-9

Talk about taking a step back. They don't have as easy of a schedule, and Josh Freeman probably won't only have 6 interceptions again. The Buccaneers are a year away from being legitimate threats and their future is bright.


4.) Carolina Panthers 4-12

I think this team is still a bit lost. Their o-line has really fallen off since their magnum opus in 2008. Cam Newton will take a while to develop. Also, they have no receivers other than Steve Smith, which is basically the same as 2005. However, this time Steve Smith isn't the same any more.


NFC West

1.) Arizona Cardinals 9-7 (4)

Yup, you heard me. Everyone loves St. Louis. I love the Cardinals.... well at least to go 9-7. I believe in Kevin Kolb. More specifically I believe in Larry Fitzgerald to have a monster season. I think their defense is good when motivated, and they will be as they can actually win games.


2.) St. Louis Rams 8-8

People like them a little too much. Sam Bradford didn't really have the greatest of rookie seasons. I get that he didn't have anyone to throw to, but then again nothing has changed in that arena for 2011. Steven Jackson is nearing the end of the line as well.


3.) San Francisco 49ers 5-11

Still going with Alex Smith? Really? I will take this moment to talk about one of my favorite subjects: Michael Crabtree. The Raiders were excoriated for not taking him and he's really been a nothing for two years.


4.) Seattle Seahawks 3-13

Somehow has to be the worst team. Why not the team relying on Tarvaris Jackson and Marshawn Lynch. The team also has few defensive playmakers. I'm probably way underselling them, but its really hard to pinpoint one team to be absolute shit in any given season.


Playoffs

Wild Card Round

Raiders (A6) 17 @ Patriots (A3) 27
Steelers (A5) 23 @ Texans (A4) 24

Eagles (N5) 30 @ Cardinals (N4) 17
Lions (N6) 20 @ Giants (N3) 27


Divisional Round

Patriots (A3) 17 @ Chargers (A2) 31
Texans (A4) 17 @ Ravens (A1) 24

Giants (N3) 28 @ Packers (N2) 24
Eagles (N5) 24 @ Saints (N1) 31


Championship Games

Chargers (A2) 24 @ Ravens (A1) 20
Giants (N3) 24 @ Saints (N1) 27


Super Bowl XLVI

Chargers 31 (A2) vs Saints (N1) 27


Enjoy the season (enjoy it extra, because I'll be enjoying it less).

The #3 Athlete of the 2000s: Zinedine Zidane

Zizou

I'm writing this a week late, five days and seven years after Mr. Zidane played his final game, and made one final mark on the pitch in international football. Five years have passed since Zinedine Zidane, in which the world coronated four different players as his heir, as "The Best Player in the World." The crown went from Ronaldinho to Kaka to Cristiano Ronaldo from 2005-2008, all three having dizzying heights, especially the first of the three (we are all victims of forgetting just how good Ronaldinho was in his too-short prime). The crown finally landed upon Lionel Messi, and he's had it for three years running. Football has finally found a new heir, but it will take a while before anyone reaches the ridiculous heights that Zidane reached for ten years from 1996-2006. Since this is a best of the decade ranking, here is the short list of achievements that Zidane has that AREN'T included in this decade:

- 1998 World Cup (including two goals in the final)
- 1998 FIFA Player of the Year
- 1998 Ballod D'Or Winner
- 1996-97 & 1997-98 Champions League Finalist (with Juventus)
- 1995-96 UEFA Cup Finalist (with Bordeaux - a one man team)
- 1996-97 & 1997-98 Seria A Titles

Again, all of this is, in the case of this ranking, irrelevant. All of this preceded Zidane v 2.0, the player that made a superstar into a legend. Zidane is the odd player who's prime does not perfectly align with a particular decade. Michael Jordan actually had this problem as his true prime was from mid-80's to mid-90's (luckily for him the rest was amazing anyway). Zidane had five years at the end of the 90's and six years to start the 2000s that were the stuff of legend. Luckily for him, he did enough in those six years to better all but two athletes. Zizou, the man who made millions pour onto the Champs Elyssee, the man who made one of the sickest goals happen, the man who was the richest transfer fee of all time for 8 years and still holds it if inflation is counted, the man, the myth and the legend. Zinedine Zidane is the 3rd best athlete of the 2000s, despite him not playing a minute of the last 4 years.

What Lionel Messi does is easy to explain. He's incredible with the ball and has arguably the greatest left foot ever. He keeps the ball tied to his foot like it was literally tied to his foot. He is nearly impossible to take down and has every shot in the book. That is what Lionel Messi is, nothing more and nothing less. He does it extremely well, but that is what he does. You couldn't truly describe what Zidane did on the field other than saying it was magic. I'll make an effort to try anyway. Zidane had the ability to impact the game without scoring, but then again all defenders have that too. More so, Zidane had the ability to impact the game seemingly without moving, by just getting the ball and passing it off to streaking teammates in advantageous positions. Zidane was one of the most inventive passers in football history. Other than Peyton Manning, there might not have been a better quarterback in all sports.

Maestro is often the word we here associated with Zidane, and in a way it is perfect. He was the master orchestral conducter managing and directing the other 9 players on the pitch (I'm guessing he had no impact on the goalie, but then again if Tom Brady can make his kickers play better...) with ease. He rarely ever missed a pass, ever. What seperates him from modern pass-masters like Xavi Hernandez is that his passes weren't tiki-taka ones that went five feet, but sweeping, looping passes offsetted by back-heels and two-foot combinations. Zidane was everything a central midfielder should be, but limiting him to just that title would be selling Zizou way too short.

Zidane was also a beast with the ball, as rarely was any player able to strip him of it one-on-one. He didn't do it with the fleet footwork of Lionel Messi, or the galloping strides of Cristiano or the original Ronaldo before him, but with true magic. The magic was that he made the most ridiculous things like his famed spin to aerial kicks look easy and simple. He made the game look easy, like it was something anyone can do, and that is the height of his brilliance. Zidane made what was incredible look commonplace, look ordinary and all-the-more, because what he did that looked incredible was actually utterly insane.

It is still hard to believe it actually happened, and harder to believe how forgotten a moment it is outside of football fan circles. Real Madrid at the final peak of their galactico powers, was tied in the Champions League Final, the cap to the 2001-02 season. Zidane, in his first season in Real Madrid following that 75 Million Euro transfer fee, had already lost two Champions League Finals with Juventus - one to Real Madrid who had won two of the last four before Zidane joined. Zidane needed to make his mark and he did it with a 75 million euro goal. Solari flung the ball airborn in a high, tight arc, into the back of the 18-yd box. The ball was suspended in midair and every player on the pitch awaited its return to earth. Zidane didn't wait but readied himself, and then in one smooth move, swung his left foot (off-foot, it should be mentioned) perfectly into the descending ball, connecting with a sharp volley that slammed into the back of the net. The game was tied no longer.



Zidane had already won another FIFA Player of the Year award in 2000, but this was the real start to his decade. Tragically he got hurt in the run up to the 2002 World Cup and missed France's first two games, which were soulless goalless games. Zidane came back with a vengeance putting together another magnificent season to win the 2003 FIFA World Player of the Year spearheading Real to the La Liga title and managing to be the best player on the field during a Champions League tie with Manchester United, even with Ronaldo getting a hat trick. Zidane then scored the only goal in Real's tough semifinal exit to Juventus. In 2004, Zidane then led France to the late stages of the Euro 2004 tournament with a dramatic brace against England. First was an incredible free kick to tie the game in the 88th minute, a kick so brilliant, goalie David James didn't move an inch. He couldn't, frozen by its brilliance. Then he finished it off with a penalty kick to the collective groins of millions of Englishmen. Later in 2004, Zidane got arguably his most impressive honor.

In 2004 UEFA did a poll of the Best European Footballers of the Past 50 Years to cap its 50th Anniversary celebration. Zidane topped the poll, nudging out Franz Beckenbauer. Before people cry that there was some recency-bias, it should be mentioned that the next highest placing current player was Paolo Maldini at #10. Of course, this was a European only list, so it did not include Pele or Maradona or Ronaldo, but the message was clear, Zidane was the best European Football of the last 50 years......... and this was before his magical 2006 World Cup.

The French National Team's qualification for the 2006 World Cup was going about as well as the plight of the roid-free Tour de France riders. Zidane, who had already retired from international football, was begged to come out of retirement, to help his country. After Zidane returned on September 3rd 2005, France didn't lose another game until after he retired again (losing in penatlies is considered a draw). France ended up qualifying comfortably, and the 2006 World Cup was set and going in Zidane let it be known it would be his swansong from all football, at what a beautiful coda it was.

The group stage for France wasn't anything great, but the four successive knockout games were an epic all-to-themselves. First against Spain, a team who had the foundation of the same team that would dominate international football for the six years after the World Cup, Zidane controlled the game beautifully, many times showing off his trademark passing and eye for the game. His whipping free kick led to the game winning goal, and then in stoppage time added the capper, with his first goal in the World Cup, a goal that is often missed but Zidane made look incredibly easy. A date with Brazil was next.

Zidane made his first ever international statement against Brazil, scoring two headers to win the World Cup. In fact, since 1994, the only World Cup game Brazil lost was that World Cup Final. Coming into the game, the Selecao were on a roll and were the favorite. Then again, no one really realized that Zidane had one last breathtaking game again. Difficult made easy. The 2006 quarterfinal perfected that theme as he danced his way around the Brazilians. Pele later called him "the only Brazilian on the field." His free kick again set up the only goal, but Zidane controlled the match (though I should not France's defense was great throughout the tournament), one that was nowhere as close as the 1-0 scoreline.

The semifinal against Portugal was more of the same, highlighted with a picture perfect penalty kick. Eight years after his brace sent millions into the Champs Elysee, Zidane was back again in the World Cup Final, this time against Italy. The Final was marked by three incidents for Zidane. First was his second consecutive penalty kick goal. A kick so sublime, so insane that few would try it. Zidane chipped the ball so perfectly in bounced off the bottom of the cross bar slowly dropping behind the goalline. The second was his last great moment, a flying header that nearly broke a 1-1 tie in extra time. Gianluigi Buffon had to use every inch of his springing frame to knock it over the bar. The final one was the most memorable, the infamous headbutt, Zidane's act of vigilante justice.

The act itself was admittedly disgraceful, but was not really out of character. Zizou played the beautiful game about as beautiful as it ever has, but that grace belied a true temper. Zidane has a lot more bad tempered moments and red cards than most great footballers. His temper is his one true weakness, and it showed at the worst moment, fifteen minutes before the end of his career. But let the headbutt not spoil Zidane's incredible tournament, one that netted him one last award for the best player of the tournament. Zidane's play against Brazil should be sent straight to the Smithsonian, the equivalent of what Manning's insane game against the Jets in last years AFC Championship game was. Zidane was at his magnificent best in the biggest tournament in the world.

Zidane never played again after the headbutt, but his legacy is still set in stone. Just listen to the experts: "Zidane is one of the 5 greatest players in history, a truly magnificent player" (Beckenbauer). "Zidane is the greatest talent we've seen in the last 20 years (1986-2006), and it was an honour to be his manager" (Juventus manager Marcello Lippi who coached Italy in the headbutt game). "Zidane's the best player I've ever seen" (Roberto Carlos). "Technically, I think he is the king of what's fundamental in the game - control and passing" (Michel Platini). "There's never been anyone quite like him, anyone so magical" (Paolo Maldini).

Zizou was a true magician, and his best magic act might have been his quiet disappearance. It is hard to describe why Zidane isn't remembered as greatly as he should, especially since when it comes time for any true expert or football fan blog to do any sort of top-10 list, or have an irrational Zidane vs Ronaldinho or Zidane vs Messi thread, the cobwebs that lie over Zidane's legacy are dusted off and displayed. Maybe it is because it is all too recent. Maybe because Messi is doing splendid things, but Zidane isn't given the Maradona treatment yet. He will because he deserves it. My guess is his high-profile roles in the football business will only help. Zidane was the face of Qatar's bid for the 2022 World Cup. Zidane is now the sporting director of Real Madrid, a job Jose Mourinho wanted Zidane to get, making him the second most powerful man at Real Madrid after Florentino Perez. Zidane realizes that the world has gotten over the headbutt, that it is time to make that legacy eternal.

I don't want to really get into a Zidane vs Messi debate, partly because Messi isn't done and partly because they play different positions (Zidane vs Ronaldinho makes more sense, but that argument is as dumb as Barry Bonds vs Sammy Sosa but without the roids). That said, here is what I know: Messi has played his entire career with Xavi and Iniesta and that cartel in Barca. Zidane did have great teammates at both Juventus and Real Madrid, but not to the same effect. We haven't seen what Messi can do without those two men, and what evidence we have (World Cup mostly), isn't exactly impressive for Leo. As for Zidane, here are the results that France has put up in major competitions since 1998:

1998: Won World Cup (With Zidane)
2000: Won Euro 2000 (With Zidane)
2002: Lost in group stage (Zidane played 1 out of 3 games)
2004: Lost in Quarterfinals (With Zidane)
2006: Lost in World Cup Final (With Zidane)
2008: Lost in group stage (Without Zidane)
2010: Lost in group stage (Without Zidane).

France has done nothing without Zidane, and everything with him. France had other great players in this era like Thierry Henry, Lilian Thuram, Patrick Vieira and Claude Makalele, but none of those guys could do jack without Zizou, without the magic.

In his final game for Real Madrid, his final game in club football, Real Madrid sent him out like a king, with the whole stadium holding up posters of Zidane's shirt and each player having "Zidane 2001-2006" stiched at the bottom of their shirt. Zidane responded with a sublime header, a goal in his final game. The header was tough in actuality, with Zidane lightly arcing the ball off his head, almost placing it with his head rather than butting it, as it flew softly over the goalie. It was difficult but made to look simple, just like everything else in Zizou's magical career.

The Dismay in the Disaster

No, this isn't a column about the impending loss of Peyton Manning for what will probably be more than just one game because of a mysterious slow nerve regeneration problem. That's bad enough. This is about something bigger. Peyton Manning will return, whether it be Week 2 (highly unlikely), Week 10 (probably close to the real date) or in 2012 (God Forbid). What won't return is what will probably end up being a bigger loss to me than the loss of Peyton Manning for several games. That said, I'll start with Manning. I first saw the news in a closed off bar at the tail end of an exceptionally entertaining wedding weekend for a long time family friend. I glanced over to the TV screen as it was on ESPNEWS. The bottom half of the screen was cut off, so all I could read was "Peyton Manning to be". The rest was cut off. The sound was fully off. I was left in a state of total speculation. I quickly went online to find any confirmation of what could be happening but found nothing. Immediately my mind raced; what was the missing phrase. To me the most likely scenarios were the two ends of the aray of possibilities, one being "to be... placed on injured reserve," while the other "to be... ready for Week 1." It probably was "to be... reevaluated." but I would never find out.

Later that night I looked again online and saw reports that Manning might need another surgery as the rate of nerve regeneration was going dangerously slow. Then I saw a post from my favorite trusted Colts blogger (Nate Dunlevy from 18to88.com) that Manning will indeed have to undergo another surgery. Within minutes I was at a loss for feelings, let alone words. This was the francise going down. This was one year of Manning's career taken away, and with an aging core that probably only had one or two cracks together as a unit (Freeney, Mathis, Wayne, Clark), to lose one of those years was just devastating. Anyway, the Colts said that Manning is just getting another opinion. I have no idea what to believe, but I am sure he won't play Week 1, and probably not for until the Colts are effectively out of playoff contention. My only real hope is that the Jags stay a mess (cutting Garrard really helps), the Titans Hasselbeck experiment fails (which it easily could), and the Texans defense doesn't get much better under Wade (probably unlikely), and Manning returns around Week 8 with the Colts 3-5, and pulls off a 6-2 type finish and sneak in the playoffs.

Either way, as I said, Manning will be back. Life will go on. Manning wasn't going to play without missing a game forever. I just feel that it was cheapened. It wasn't a ferocious hit that got him. It was his own body failing him in the oddest way possible, a man struck down by himself. I hope this is not a recurring injury. Anyway, now with the Manning part of this out of the way, let's get to what really has me depressed (to some extent, as there is no need to worry about my emotional state).

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I was thrust back into the US last week after spending eight weeks abroad and what I found was a lot of change. The Northeast had experienced an earthquake (which I'm sad I missed) and a massive hurricane (I'm okay with missing that one). There was also one more change which I only found out during my "welcome back to being able to drive" drive that I took last Wednesday night. 94.1 WYSP was shutting down as a classic rock station. No more needed to be said, or as it were, heard, for me to become absolutely nonplussed. I grew up with 94.1. As far as music fm stations went, it was my station. It was the station that introduced me to Van Halen (my favorite band), to the beauty of old classic rock; to Zeppelin, to Sabbath, to Floyd, to the Who. To everyone. I'm a huge classic rock fan while also being an inherently lazy one. I'm not one to put in the work to find bands and music hidden under rocks, or as they were called "indie" groups. I'm under the impression that in a market that is already targeted to a slight niche group (rock fans, which is admittedly a large niche), that the bands that had the most success are most often very successful for a good reason. That said, WYSP made me listen to bands I hadn't heard. They made me listen to Blue Oyster Cult, to Megadeth, to Metallica (which are for more melodic and beautiful than I ever could've imagined), to Alice in Chains, to Cheap Trick, and I can't thank them enough.

It all started with Metallica. I had always thought of Metallica as some loud, dirty band that wasn't worth two listens, but that was because I hadn't really heard them before. Then one day I stumbled upon WYSP playing "Fade to Black." I had no idea it was Metallica until they told me when it was over. I was speechless. The song was truly beautiful. The guitar, the melodies, the riffs. The song was incredible, and I was thinking "This is Metal? This is the music the nation was supposed to be scared of along with Gangsta Rap?". Right after Fade to Black, WYSP played "Don't fear the Reaper" by Blue Oyster Cult. They were another band I never listened to, this time because of innocent fear of the "cult" part of their name. I again found the song moving, captivating. I listened to WYSP for an hour and was struck by the heavy beauty of all these songs by all these bands that were heretofore unknown.

WYSP's tagline was "the rock you grew up with," and although I wasn't really their target audience for that tag, WYSP was the station I grew up with. It was the station I lived with. WYSP played the music I liked and played it all the time. It was a tad more heavy than the other major "classic rock" stations in the NYC/Philly area (102.9 MGK and Q104.3). It was the only one that played Metallica, that played a lot of Guns 'N Roses, that played Van Halen other than just Jump (Unchained was a WYSP favorite). On the weekends, it simulcasted Eddie Trunk's 'That Metal Show', which as a kid I gobbled up, playing it when I was sleeping on Saturday and Sunday nights. WYSP was my radio home, my radio paradise; an oasis where I could listen to real rock amidst a never-ending Sahara of pop.

WYSP is now gone, the "rock I grew up with" is now the "rock I better get on iTunes because I won't be hearing it on radio again." There probably are other rock stations out there that play metal, but do those same ones play Queen and the Doors with equal frequency? That was the true beauty of WYSP. It wasn't for metalheads. It wasn't really for fans of rock in the 60-70's. It was for anyone who liked rock music (The one major group that was kind of ignored on the station was Nirvana, but that's defensible in my eyes since I was never a big fan). WYSP played everything. Their DJs loved everything. Their fans and listeners wanted everything. It was rock all the time and it was amazing. For whatever reason now, it is all gone.

I searched the internet for reasons why WYSP would lose it's face, why it would switch from the best rock station on the East Coast (my appointed title for them) to a simulcast of Philly's sports radio station. I couldn't find any. There was no other explanation other than a lack of ratings, which I guess is the only reason necessary. I guess in the end ratings will be king and lack of them will always spell the end. That said, I will always remember my time listening to WYSP fondly. It opened my eyes to rock music, to hard rock music, to bands I never would have listened to and to songs I never would've blasted in the car when driving. During long night drives they kept me company. When I couldn't get sleep as a 15 year old, the kept me company. WYSP was like family in a weird sense. They were comforting in an obvious sense. They were home, and now WYSP, like so many of the bands they once played, are gone.

Arrested NFL-opment

This one doesn't need much of an introduction. NFL teams and their Arrested Development character doppelgangers. The characters range from the main characters to inanimate objects. The comparisons range from fraternal twin to "yeah, that doesn't make any sense at all." Either way, fun times all around.

Arizona Cardinals – Franklin Delano Bluth

Franklin Delano Bluth was GOBs black ventriloquist puppet that he used to perform his hilarious blackie comedy routine, or to take a stab singing (his debut album: Franklin Comes Alive! with the hit song ‘It ain’t easy being White, it ain’t easy being brown). Without GOB to give Franklin voice and movement he’s nothing, just stuffed fabric and clothes. Without a QB last season, the Arizona Cardinals were nothing, despite having quite a bit of talent. Neither Franklin nor the Cards can function without their master, but with the Kolb trade, the Cards can fly again, and entertain us all, just like Mr. Franklin Delano Bluth.

Atlanta Falcons – White Power Bill

No, this doesn’t have to do with any white-extremism/Atlanta Falcons connections (which I should say are not there, as far as I know). White Power Bill felt compelled to terrorize other inmates mainly because he was ashamed of himself. He lacked self confidence. The Falcons are similar in that they seemed to lack the self confidence to build the right way, mortgaging part of their future with that Julio Jones trade where they gave up a slew of draft picks. Let’s hope this act of hidden desperation doesn’t en up like White Power Bill, falling off a railing into death. (Admittedly, this was a weak comparison; they’ll be better. I promise).

Baltimore Ravens – Maebe Funke

The rebels without a cause. Maebe Funke was rebelled against anything her parents did. When her mother started being anti-leather, Maebe became “pro-leather”. When her parents wanted to kill a tree, then save it, then kill it again, she wanted to save it, then kill it, then save it again. The Ravens, like Maebe are also the rebels of the NFL, moreso than the Raiders. They go against anything Goddell does. Even more than the Steelers, they complain about refereeing decisions nearly every week, saying other QBs are protected and that the league is out to get them. The Ravens are rebels, and taking alleged bad-boy Jimmy Smith in the 1^st round only adds to that.

Buffalo Bills – Lucille 2

Lucille 2 as famous for suffering from vertigo (as well as nailing both Buster and GOB, but that’s for another time). The Bills are in an unending state of vertigo. They’ve fallen and really haven’t gotten up. They had brief periods where they were “stable as a table”, like in 2004 when they won six straight games to go from 3-6 to 9-6, and in 2008 when they were 5-1. Of course, they took that spin in Michael’s convertible and it was all over, as both seasons ended disastrously. The 2008 Bills lost 8 of their last 10 to finish 7-9, and memorably followed up a 54-31 win by putting up three points in two straight games. The 2004 team lost their final game to the Steelers, primarily against backups, when a win would have given them the #6 seed. They then fired Mike Mularkey, which has really set the whole team in a downward spiral ever since.

Carolina Panthers – J. Walter Weatherman

Just like the J, Walter Weatherman, the Panthers have long played seemingly with one arm. First it was that they always had just one receiver (this is post-Muhsin Muhammad of course). Then it became they had a great running game but bad passing game (2009). Now it is that they have a good defense, but bad offense. They can never be a complete team, but they are great in teaching lessons to the rest of the league; lessons like: That’s why you don’t cover Steve Smith 1-1, and That’s why you make sure you don’t give a QB coming off a 5-pick playoff performance a 5-yr extension.

Chicago Bears – Barry Zuckerkorn

Barry Zuckerkorn was the incompetent lawyer who secretly might have been competent. He had many obvious foibles, like his proclivity to not read plea bargains (“it’s very long”), or pick up male hookers, but he always claimed “I’m a lot more competent than you think,” while Lucille always claimed “He’s very good.” The Bears are similar. They have obvious foibles, like Cutler’s proclivity to getting injured, or their o-line being a vast oasis of suck, but they are quietly a lot more competent than you realize. Matt Forte had a nice season, that defense is still top-10 and they still have good ol’ Devin Hester.

Cincinnati Bengals – Carl Weathers

Cheap. It is one trait that describes both Weather’s fictionalized character and the Bengals and their wish-he-was-fictionalized-Owner. Just like how Carl Weathers screwed Tobias out of his last $1,100 dollars for “acting classes” which consisted mainly of Weathers telling Tobias how he was able to save up on the food he got at movie sets to make nice stews with the leftover chicken bones, Mike Brown is screwing up his team with his continual cheap behavior. How is it that Carson Palmer will not be granted his wish to be traded (a trade chip that could land the Bengals a 2^nd round pick minimum), but Ochocinco is allowed to go? I’m never sure what Mike Brown is doing, but just like Carl Weathers, I feel like he’s the type to eat at Burger King, a lot.

Cleveland Browns – Ann(abell) Paul Veal

This comparison was “as Ann as the nose on ‘Plain’s’ face” as Michael Bluth would say. She’s bland, and they are bland. In the yearbook, under Ann’s picture it said “not pictured” and it might as well for any picture of the Browns. The Browns have a nice QB, kind of like how by the end of S2, Ann had a nice face, but the rest of the skill positions/body parts were just lacking. Peyton Hillis is nice, but he’s got the Madden Curse on him. The WRs are about as bad as you can get. I guess the defense has something, but overall it’s just bland. Also, it kind of makes sense that Mike Holmgren’s team would be the character that most resembles a Walrus.

Dallas Cowboys – Maggie Lizer

Just like Maggie Lizer, the Cowboys trick us into making us like them year after year to do well. It’s probably the star on the helmet, which is the Cowboys’ version of Maggie Lizer’s fake blindness. The Cowboys really aren’t that great of a team. Romo has peaked. The team has peaked. Their defense will probably go to hell without Wade Phillips there to call plays, yet somehow people still pick them to do well. Lizer was someone who had very few redeeming qualities. She was a liar. She pretended to be blind, then pretended to be pregnant, then tried to steal two gay cops baby. The Cowboys are the same, as they have a dick owner, and they play in a palace built on cash and narcissistic excess, but we still like them.

Denver Broncos – Rita Leeds

This one would have been better if the man known as Josh McDaniels was still prowling the sidelines, but alas, they have a somewhat competent head coach now in John Fox. Then again, they have all the symptoms of the trainwreck that was Rita Leeds. They have a quarterback who’s really a glorified running back with a throwing motion that takes more time than the average golf swing. They have a WR who is so erratic and up and down that many people thought if he was, in the football sense, mentally retarded. The Broncos are one of the worst teams in the NFL, fully capable of, like Rita Leeds, winning first place in the “two-legged race” for Andrew Luck.

Detroit Lions – ICE

ICE was the bounty hunter/caterer that was hired to keep an eye on Michael, and then track down George Bluth in Mexico. This comparison really only works on one level: the bounty hunter aspect (I couldn’t think of any caterer connections to the Lions). The Lions have built a d-line to fear. They have a coach who worked wonders in Tennessee with his rotating bunch of d-lineman. They have a rookie who had one of the best rookie seasons in a long, long time in Ndamukong Suh. They drafted bad-boy Nick Fairley (who sadly is hurt). Add to that KVB, Corey Williams and more and the Lions have one of the best pass rushes in the game. There’s a bounty on every QBs head the Lions face, and they are as capable as ICE of hunting it down.

Green Bay Packers – Michael Bluth

The star, the straight man, the champion, the President and CEO of the company; the Packers and Michael Bluth are both on top, but they are both secretly not all that great and likable. Michael Bluth was, if you look at it, the craziest of them all considering he couldn’t fully grasp the crazy around him. Bluth was, in all honesty, detestable since he took advantage of people and played people all the while thinking of himself as a really good guy. The Packers are similarly underratedly hateable. Everything just worked a little too perfect, with their long-haired white Linebackers, and their fat Nose Tackle getting pick-6s and dancing around like a bafoon. Not to mention Aaron Rodgers just seem a little too cool for school, and that ‘title belt’ celebration is nauseatingly awful. It’s under the surface, but just like with Michael Bluth, the hate is there.

Houston Texans – Starla, the Business Model

Starla was the beautiful yet shallow boat-show model recruited to be a new secretary, although she had basic problems like thinking that photo-copying meant copying documents on photo-sized paper. Oh, plus she had a weird affinity towards Quincy Jones bordering on stalking him. The Texans are quite similar. They can be beautiful, with one of the league’s best offenses in that they have the defending rushing champion as well as the Matt Schaub – Andre Johnson connection. That said, they have problems with basic things like holding onto the ball or not giving up 350 yards passing. Also, they have shown a weird affinity to keep holding onto Gary Kubiak despite him coaching 5 years with zero playoff appearances. He’s probably one of the few coaches to not make the playoffs in any of his first five seasons but still make it to year 6.

Indianapolis Colts – Lucille Bluth

People think that the Colts are no longer a glamour team, just like Lucille Bluth was no longer living the life of luxury. However, she really was as everyone counted Lucille out a little too soon. Lucille continued to buy anything she wanted (“The SEC is making me document all my purchases to make sure nothing was bought with company money, and nothing will be after I doctor all these receipts”), and continued to be as biting and caustic and great as ever. The Colts are in a similar situation. People are counting them out, mainly because of them getting a little too flukily injured in 2010 and Manning having a flukey 3-game 11-int stretch. Don’t count on those things happening again, as Manning and the Colts offense still packed a strong bite in 2010. They’ll be back. They aren’t dead yet.

Jacksonville Jaguars – Oscar Bluth

Yeah, the Jags really are the lost, decrepid, stoner Uncle sitting on a worthless property. For the Jags, that property is Jacksonville, where the city has become the one city where the NFL has failed. Oscar Bluth of course has that head of hair, “Oh, that beautiful hair”, that one trait that makes him the least bit redeemable. This is just like the Jaguars who have one aesthetic trait, with their handsome head coach Jack Del Rio. Sadly for the Jaguars, Del Rio’s best if used by date was sometime in 2008.

Kansas City Chiefs – Rav Nadir “The Indian Kid”

Rav Nadir (AD’s hilarious Indian-ization of Ralph Nader) was the 3^rd candidate in George Michael Bluth’s high-school election. It was supposed to be a fight between George Michael and Steve Holt, a fight that was quite one-sided (Maebe called it, “comparing them is like comparing apples, and a fruit no one’s ever heard of”). Of course, because Steve Holt found religion, and George Michael was someone no one’s ever heard of, Rav Nadir walked away with the election. Anyway, this is much like the Chiefs in their improbably run to the AFC West Title last season. Just like Rav Nadir, the Chiefs capitalized by the Chargers bastardized special teams accounting for three early season losses (Chiefs, Seahawks, Raiders pt. 1). The Raiders were a little too spotty despite statistically in a lot of ways also being better than the Chiefs. It didn’t matter, as the Chiefs made the playoffs by default after those teams left the race, and were unsurprisingly slaughtered.

Miami Dolphins – Wife of GOB

This one is another comparison stretched really then, and it’s only here because I just loved the “Wife of GOB” character (aka: Crindy, Saul Zentzman, Usarmy). The best connection is that she deals seals, and seals are aquatic mammals, much like Dolphins. Also, she never “sealed the deal” with GOB (if that phrase is too hard to parse, that means had sex with GOB), much like the Dolphins never “sealed the deal” to bring Kyle Orton to Miami, much to the dismay of the Dolphins’ fans while also to the delight of Matt Moore and his family.

Minnesota Vikings – Kitty Sanchez (Post-Operation)

Kitty Sanchez was George Bluth’s fiercely loyal (aka: fuck-buddy) secretary. Of course, she had major problems in that she was revolting, with frazzled hair and googly eyes. This is much like the Vikings QB situation, with frazzled hair (Favre) and googly eyes (T-Jack) being the two options. Then, Kitty went and got surgery. The surgery was breast implants, but in reality, it made post-surgery Kitty quite attractive (as well, Judy Greer is quite attractive), just like the Vikings picking up Donovan McNabb got rid of the googly eyes and frazzled hair. Of course, the surgery wasn’t perfect, as her nipples were pointed in opposite directions, which is also kind of like how the Vikings are built, with many aging older star players declining, and young players who aren’t really any good. The Vikings are still a mess and a little delusional (“you don’t have the hiring and firing power!”), but at least they are a little better on the eyes.

New England Patriots – George Bluth Sr.

Pats are kind of like the Patriarch of the NFL, as Belichick is seen as the lead coach, and they are still held up as the gold standard even though they haven’t won a Super Bowl since 2004. Also, they get away with anything. I’ve always sondered how George Bluth was allowed to be placed under house arrest in S3 after he fled then faked a heart attack, fled the country and then drugged his brother, shaved his head and tried to pass him off as himself. Then he gets rewarded with house arrest? Kind of like how the Pats haven’t won a playoff game since 2007, how Tom Brady has been bad in the playoffs two straight years, how they’ve choked away numerous playoff games since 2005, and people still genuflect at their presence.

New Orleans Saints – The Milford School

The Milford School is famous for its belief that kids “should be neither seen nor heard.” The Saints have been the perfect Milford student so far in 2011. No one in the mainstream-media is really talking about them. They haven’t been seen or heard on many Super Bowl picks, but they could be a juggernaut. They still have a great offense, and Drew Brees probably won’t throw 22 picks again. Their defense was quietly top-10 in 2010 (although horrible in their playoff game). They won the title in 2009 and were 11-4 before a rest-a-thon and the Seattle game in 2010. The Saints are flying under the radar. As GOB would say, the Saints have been “spectacularly quiet” after last offseason when they went on a 7-month party celebrating their Super Bowl win.

New York Giants – Wayne Jarvis

Wayne was the lawyer who Michael wanted to replace Barry Zuckerkorn, due to the fact that Jarvis was a professional in every sense of the word. Yet, in reality, Wayne was crazy, agreeing to hide under the table to avoid meeting Lucille (seeing it as a professional way to dodge a meeting), and then trying to bribe Michael into giving away his father’s secrets after the joined the prosecution. The Giants act like professionals, with their “each game is a business meeting” motto, but in the past two years, they haven’t been really business-like, with the late season collapses, Osi’s spat with Coughlin, getting rid of Steve Smith. Somehow, they still feel a lot more competent than they should, just like Wayne was still a lot better than Barry.

New York Jets – Steve Holt

Just like Steve Holt, the Jets have all the makings of the most popular team in the world. They have the good-lookin’ latino QB, the Super Bowl MVP Wideout, the fat, jolly, smarter-than-you-realize head coach, and the brash defense that talks smack to the Pats, and then backs it up. Their brashness actually perfectly emulates Steve Holt’s, who is known to yell “Steve Holt” before he enters the conversation. The Jets might as well yell “The Jets” before all their games. The other connection is Steve Holt dating an underage-girl in Maebe, which is kind of analogous to Mark Sanchez brief affair with a 17-year old from New Jersey. It’s amazing how little staying power that story had. I mean, let’s not forget, Mark Sanchez had sex with a 17-year old. The attractive QB of the New York Jets decided, on his own accord, to not sleep with the multitude of appropriately aged women, and instead bang a 17-year old.

Oakland Raiders – Annyong

Annyong was the son Lucille Bluth adopted, partly to make the family look compassionate, and partly to make Buster jealous. Annyong was a character that was unceremoniously sent away in the middle of season two, shipped off to the Milford School “to teach him a lesson.” Annyong really was just misunderstood, namely about his name, which was not Annyong (Korean for “Hello”), but ‘Hell-Oh’. The Raiders are also criminally misunderstood. People saw Al Davis giving out big contracts to players not named Nnamdi Asomugha. What they failed to totally get was that the Raiders had little shot of keeping Nnamdi, so instead they locked up the rest. By the end of the series, Annyong returns to plot his revenge, just like Al Davis hopes to one day return to the top of the league, and take reveng on all those who doubted him.

Philadelphia Eagles – GOB Bluth

Just like the Magician, GOB Bluth, the Eagles pulled quite the magic trick in the offseason. How they were able to fit Nnamdi, Domonique Rodgers-Cromartie (and keep Samuel), Cullen Jenkins, Jason Babin, and then to cap it all off steal Steve Smith from the Giants is beyond me. GOB Bluth hates to use the term “trick” (as a “trick is something a whore does for money”), instead going for “illusion” and the Eagles are pulling one of those anyway. They have the illusion of a super team, despite Jeremy Maclin having some hush-hush strange injury, a logjam at corner, a defensive-coordinator who was last employed at offensive-line, and Michael Vick who is due for some serious interception regression. They really are the jokers.

Pittsburgh Steelers – Sally Sitwell

Sally Sitwell, after finding out that her father wanted Michael to date her, told Michael that “I would rather date someone my father doesn’t approve of” (which was to the ironic dismay of Michael who finally decided to ask out Sally because his father didn’t approve). The Steelers are kind of similar. They love it when we don’t approve of them, when we don’t consider them entering into a season. The 2008 Champions and 2010 Runner-Ups both entered those two respective seasons a bit under the radar. In 2008, everyone was up in arms about the Patriots trying to go perfect again, and the Cowboys, and the Steelers went out and had the best defense since the 2002 Bucs. In 2010, with Roethlisberger’s suspension, no one really thought of them as Super Bowl contenders (other than ironically Peter King, who is usually hilariously wrong with his Super Bowl picks). They then cruised all the way through the season and got there again. This year everyone likes them, so they are set up for disappointment. The Steelers don’t perform to well when they have everyone’s approval; just like Ms. Sitwell.

St. Louis Rams – Larry Middleman (the Surrogate)

Just like the surrogate was able to be the de-facto George Bluth in public situations outside when George was on house arrest, the Rams have become the de-facto Giants. They have the Giants old d-coordinator. They have a #1 overall pick at QB. They have the belief that you can never draft enough pass-rushers. Of course, they haven’t emuylated everything the Giants did, much like Middleman couldn’t emulate tone or inflection to relay George’s sarcasm. The Rams don’t have the Plaxico deep threat, but they’re close to getting to where the Giants were from 2005-2008.

San Diego Chargers – Lindsay Bluth Funke

Lindsay is beautiful, funny, good-hearted, and sweet. The only problem is that she is not bright and married to a doofus of a husband. The Chargers are powerful, beautiful (at passing), explosive and youthful. The only problem is the make ridiculous mistakes, sleepwalk in the beginning of seasons and have a doofus of a coach (in terms of game management). How Norv Turner lasted this long is incredible. The Chargers glaring weakness was their special teams, which rebelled against the rest of that team (#1 offense & defense by conventional stats), just like Lindsay rebelled against her mother. That said, when you forget about Tobias, Lindsay is quite a catch.

San Francisco 49ers – Surely Funke

Surely Funke was the sick wheelchair bound girl Meabe pretended was her sister to cash in checks that went to Surely for fundraisers. Her affliction: B.S (What are the symptoms?”, “I don’t know, it’s BS”). The 49ers are kind of like the Surely Funke version of the Maebe Funke Ravens. First of all, they hired the Ravens’ coach’s brother in Jim Harbaugh. They also have an affliction of BS,QB, with Alex Smith somehow still a member of the 49ers (and also still just 27). The 49ers also tried to use ex-Raven LB Coach Mike Singletary, after using ex-Raven DC Mike Nolan as head coach. They really have a bad case of wanting to be Maebe Funke.

Seattle Seahawks – Mort Meyers (Maebe’s boss)

He’s not a very famous character by name, but Jeff Garlin’s recurring role as Maebe’s boss led to a slew of slightly pedophilic jokes about Mort wanting to have an affair with Maebe, who would always give her standard answer of “Marry Me!” The Seahawks are also desperately trying to get with the younger crowd, opening up their wallets in free agency. Like Mort, the outcome is one of rejection, as I’m sure the NFL Playoffs will reject the Seahawks 2011 application led by Tarvaris Jackson. Even in that division.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers – George Michael Bluth

The only redeeming character on the show was not Michael, the nominal straight-man. No, it was George Michael, the only one who could kind of see the lunacy behind his whole family. Of course, he was also madly in love with his cousin, but that doesn’t change the fact that he was the innocent one. The Buccaneers are the innocent of the NFL. They have a young team. They didn’t og out and get anyone in Free Agency, instead decided to steadfastly stick to their plan which is coming together faster than anyone could have hoped. If you want an NFL comparison, they remind me a lot of how the 1999-2003 Titans were built, although without an Eddie George. They are the rare virgin team in a league who’s teams usually whore it up.

Tennessee Titans – Stan Sitwell

The man without any hair (“You mean were meeting with a guy who can’t grow his own hair? Come ON!!”), will be paralleled with the team that lost its hair in every way. First the dreadlocked one is holding-out (although that probably won’t last). Then the sometimes-Afro/sometimes-cornrows Randy Moss was cut. Then they go out and sign the notoriously bald Matt Hasselbeck. To cap it off, they fire the man responsible for arguably the best facial hair in the NFL over the past 15 years: Jeff Fisher. His resume includes a brilliant mustache, and the sadly-forgotten great beards in 2002 and 2003. The loss of Jeff Fisher’s mustache in the NFL is huge.

Washington Redskins – Tobias Funke

I don’t know if this is really saving the best for last, but it might be the strongest comparison. Tobias was the joke. The other characters we laughed with sometimes (instead of laughing at), but for Tobias he was the joke: his obliviousness nature, his never-nude affliction, his not-so-hidden gay-ness. The Redskins, and moreso, Mr, Daniel Snyder, is the jok. He never learns from umpteen free agent disasters. He builds a non-descript giant bowl of a stadium and then squeezes out every penny. He tries to control the media to laughable results. Also, since coming to Washington, Mr. Shanahan has been o better, emulating Tobias in the way that he is making fun of himself when he says things like “I think Rex Grossman can do better than Donovan McNabb in my offense.” There’s even the case that Snyder, Shanahan and even Tobias were respected professionals in past lives (business magnate, coach in Denver, anal-rapist), but are ridiculously awful in their current venture (NFL owner, coach in Washington, actor). And finally, like Tobias, the Redskins under Snyder have been anal-raping their fans for a long, long time.

Characters That Just Missed the Cut

- Nellie the Stripper

- ‘Girls With Low Self-Esteem’ creator Phillip Litt

- Warden Stefan Gentiles

- Cindy Lightballoon (the mole)

- Tony Wonder (really sad I couldn’t include him)

- Judge Reinhold

- Mrs. Featherbottom