Arrested NFL-opment

This one doesn't need much of an introduction. NFL teams and their Arrested Development character doppelgangers. The characters range from the main characters to inanimate objects. The comparisons range from fraternal twin to "yeah, that doesn't make any sense at all." Either way, fun times all around.

Arizona Cardinals – Franklin Delano Bluth

Franklin Delano Bluth was GOBs black ventriloquist puppet that he used to perform his hilarious blackie comedy routine, or to take a stab singing (his debut album: Franklin Comes Alive! with the hit song ‘It ain’t easy being White, it ain’t easy being brown). Without GOB to give Franklin voice and movement he’s nothing, just stuffed fabric and clothes. Without a QB last season, the Arizona Cardinals were nothing, despite having quite a bit of talent. Neither Franklin nor the Cards can function without their master, but with the Kolb trade, the Cards can fly again, and entertain us all, just like Mr. Franklin Delano Bluth.

Atlanta Falcons – White Power Bill

No, this doesn’t have to do with any white-extremism/Atlanta Falcons connections (which I should say are not there, as far as I know). White Power Bill felt compelled to terrorize other inmates mainly because he was ashamed of himself. He lacked self confidence. The Falcons are similar in that they seemed to lack the self confidence to build the right way, mortgaging part of their future with that Julio Jones trade where they gave up a slew of draft picks. Let’s hope this act of hidden desperation doesn’t en up like White Power Bill, falling off a railing into death. (Admittedly, this was a weak comparison; they’ll be better. I promise).

Baltimore Ravens – Maebe Funke

The rebels without a cause. Maebe Funke was rebelled against anything her parents did. When her mother started being anti-leather, Maebe became “pro-leather”. When her parents wanted to kill a tree, then save it, then kill it again, she wanted to save it, then kill it, then save it again. The Ravens, like Maebe are also the rebels of the NFL, moreso than the Raiders. They go against anything Goddell does. Even more than the Steelers, they complain about refereeing decisions nearly every week, saying other QBs are protected and that the league is out to get them. The Ravens are rebels, and taking alleged bad-boy Jimmy Smith in the 1^st round only adds to that.

Buffalo Bills – Lucille 2

Lucille 2 as famous for suffering from vertigo (as well as nailing both Buster and GOB, but that’s for another time). The Bills are in an unending state of vertigo. They’ve fallen and really haven’t gotten up. They had brief periods where they were “stable as a table”, like in 2004 when they won six straight games to go from 3-6 to 9-6, and in 2008 when they were 5-1. Of course, they took that spin in Michael’s convertible and it was all over, as both seasons ended disastrously. The 2008 Bills lost 8 of their last 10 to finish 7-9, and memorably followed up a 54-31 win by putting up three points in two straight games. The 2004 team lost their final game to the Steelers, primarily against backups, when a win would have given them the #6 seed. They then fired Mike Mularkey, which has really set the whole team in a downward spiral ever since.

Carolina Panthers – J. Walter Weatherman

Just like the J, Walter Weatherman, the Panthers have long played seemingly with one arm. First it was that they always had just one receiver (this is post-Muhsin Muhammad of course). Then it became they had a great running game but bad passing game (2009). Now it is that they have a good defense, but bad offense. They can never be a complete team, but they are great in teaching lessons to the rest of the league; lessons like: That’s why you don’t cover Steve Smith 1-1, and That’s why you make sure you don’t give a QB coming off a 5-pick playoff performance a 5-yr extension.

Chicago Bears – Barry Zuckerkorn

Barry Zuckerkorn was the incompetent lawyer who secretly might have been competent. He had many obvious foibles, like his proclivity to not read plea bargains (“it’s very long”), or pick up male hookers, but he always claimed “I’m a lot more competent than you think,” while Lucille always claimed “He’s very good.” The Bears are similar. They have obvious foibles, like Cutler’s proclivity to getting injured, or their o-line being a vast oasis of suck, but they are quietly a lot more competent than you realize. Matt Forte had a nice season, that defense is still top-10 and they still have good ol’ Devin Hester.

Cincinnati Bengals – Carl Weathers

Cheap. It is one trait that describes both Weather’s fictionalized character and the Bengals and their wish-he-was-fictionalized-Owner. Just like how Carl Weathers screwed Tobias out of his last $1,100 dollars for “acting classes” which consisted mainly of Weathers telling Tobias how he was able to save up on the food he got at movie sets to make nice stews with the leftover chicken bones, Mike Brown is screwing up his team with his continual cheap behavior. How is it that Carson Palmer will not be granted his wish to be traded (a trade chip that could land the Bengals a 2^nd round pick minimum), but Ochocinco is allowed to go? I’m never sure what Mike Brown is doing, but just like Carl Weathers, I feel like he’s the type to eat at Burger King, a lot.

Cleveland Browns – Ann(abell) Paul Veal

This comparison was “as Ann as the nose on ‘Plain’s’ face” as Michael Bluth would say. She’s bland, and they are bland. In the yearbook, under Ann’s picture it said “not pictured” and it might as well for any picture of the Browns. The Browns have a nice QB, kind of like how by the end of S2, Ann had a nice face, but the rest of the skill positions/body parts were just lacking. Peyton Hillis is nice, but he’s got the Madden Curse on him. The WRs are about as bad as you can get. I guess the defense has something, but overall it’s just bland. Also, it kind of makes sense that Mike Holmgren’s team would be the character that most resembles a Walrus.

Dallas Cowboys – Maggie Lizer

Just like Maggie Lizer, the Cowboys trick us into making us like them year after year to do well. It’s probably the star on the helmet, which is the Cowboys’ version of Maggie Lizer’s fake blindness. The Cowboys really aren’t that great of a team. Romo has peaked. The team has peaked. Their defense will probably go to hell without Wade Phillips there to call plays, yet somehow people still pick them to do well. Lizer was someone who had very few redeeming qualities. She was a liar. She pretended to be blind, then pretended to be pregnant, then tried to steal two gay cops baby. The Cowboys are the same, as they have a dick owner, and they play in a palace built on cash and narcissistic excess, but we still like them.

Denver Broncos – Rita Leeds

This one would have been better if the man known as Josh McDaniels was still prowling the sidelines, but alas, they have a somewhat competent head coach now in John Fox. Then again, they have all the symptoms of the trainwreck that was Rita Leeds. They have a quarterback who’s really a glorified running back with a throwing motion that takes more time than the average golf swing. They have a WR who is so erratic and up and down that many people thought if he was, in the football sense, mentally retarded. The Broncos are one of the worst teams in the NFL, fully capable of, like Rita Leeds, winning first place in the “two-legged race” for Andrew Luck.

Detroit Lions – ICE

ICE was the bounty hunter/caterer that was hired to keep an eye on Michael, and then track down George Bluth in Mexico. This comparison really only works on one level: the bounty hunter aspect (I couldn’t think of any caterer connections to the Lions). The Lions have built a d-line to fear. They have a coach who worked wonders in Tennessee with his rotating bunch of d-lineman. They have a rookie who had one of the best rookie seasons in a long, long time in Ndamukong Suh. They drafted bad-boy Nick Fairley (who sadly is hurt). Add to that KVB, Corey Williams and more and the Lions have one of the best pass rushes in the game. There’s a bounty on every QBs head the Lions face, and they are as capable as ICE of hunting it down.

Green Bay Packers – Michael Bluth

The star, the straight man, the champion, the President and CEO of the company; the Packers and Michael Bluth are both on top, but they are both secretly not all that great and likable. Michael Bluth was, if you look at it, the craziest of them all considering he couldn’t fully grasp the crazy around him. Bluth was, in all honesty, detestable since he took advantage of people and played people all the while thinking of himself as a really good guy. The Packers are similarly underratedly hateable. Everything just worked a little too perfect, with their long-haired white Linebackers, and their fat Nose Tackle getting pick-6s and dancing around like a bafoon. Not to mention Aaron Rodgers just seem a little too cool for school, and that ‘title belt’ celebration is nauseatingly awful. It’s under the surface, but just like with Michael Bluth, the hate is there.

Houston Texans – Starla, the Business Model

Starla was the beautiful yet shallow boat-show model recruited to be a new secretary, although she had basic problems like thinking that photo-copying meant copying documents on photo-sized paper. Oh, plus she had a weird affinity towards Quincy Jones bordering on stalking him. The Texans are quite similar. They can be beautiful, with one of the league’s best offenses in that they have the defending rushing champion as well as the Matt Schaub – Andre Johnson connection. That said, they have problems with basic things like holding onto the ball or not giving up 350 yards passing. Also, they have shown a weird affinity to keep holding onto Gary Kubiak despite him coaching 5 years with zero playoff appearances. He’s probably one of the few coaches to not make the playoffs in any of his first five seasons but still make it to year 6.

Indianapolis Colts – Lucille Bluth

People think that the Colts are no longer a glamour team, just like Lucille Bluth was no longer living the life of luxury. However, she really was as everyone counted Lucille out a little too soon. Lucille continued to buy anything she wanted (“The SEC is making me document all my purchases to make sure nothing was bought with company money, and nothing will be after I doctor all these receipts”), and continued to be as biting and caustic and great as ever. The Colts are in a similar situation. People are counting them out, mainly because of them getting a little too flukily injured in 2010 and Manning having a flukey 3-game 11-int stretch. Don’t count on those things happening again, as Manning and the Colts offense still packed a strong bite in 2010. They’ll be back. They aren’t dead yet.

Jacksonville Jaguars – Oscar Bluth

Yeah, the Jags really are the lost, decrepid, stoner Uncle sitting on a worthless property. For the Jags, that property is Jacksonville, where the city has become the one city where the NFL has failed. Oscar Bluth of course has that head of hair, “Oh, that beautiful hair”, that one trait that makes him the least bit redeemable. This is just like the Jaguars who have one aesthetic trait, with their handsome head coach Jack Del Rio. Sadly for the Jaguars, Del Rio’s best if used by date was sometime in 2008.

Kansas City Chiefs – Rav Nadir “The Indian Kid”

Rav Nadir (AD’s hilarious Indian-ization of Ralph Nader) was the 3^rd candidate in George Michael Bluth’s high-school election. It was supposed to be a fight between George Michael and Steve Holt, a fight that was quite one-sided (Maebe called it, “comparing them is like comparing apples, and a fruit no one’s ever heard of”). Of course, because Steve Holt found religion, and George Michael was someone no one’s ever heard of, Rav Nadir walked away with the election. Anyway, this is much like the Chiefs in their improbably run to the AFC West Title last season. Just like Rav Nadir, the Chiefs capitalized by the Chargers bastardized special teams accounting for three early season losses (Chiefs, Seahawks, Raiders pt. 1). The Raiders were a little too spotty despite statistically in a lot of ways also being better than the Chiefs. It didn’t matter, as the Chiefs made the playoffs by default after those teams left the race, and were unsurprisingly slaughtered.

Miami Dolphins – Wife of GOB

This one is another comparison stretched really then, and it’s only here because I just loved the “Wife of GOB” character (aka: Crindy, Saul Zentzman, Usarmy). The best connection is that she deals seals, and seals are aquatic mammals, much like Dolphins. Also, she never “sealed the deal” with GOB (if that phrase is too hard to parse, that means had sex with GOB), much like the Dolphins never “sealed the deal” to bring Kyle Orton to Miami, much to the dismay of the Dolphins’ fans while also to the delight of Matt Moore and his family.

Minnesota Vikings – Kitty Sanchez (Post-Operation)

Kitty Sanchez was George Bluth’s fiercely loyal (aka: fuck-buddy) secretary. Of course, she had major problems in that she was revolting, with frazzled hair and googly eyes. This is much like the Vikings QB situation, with frazzled hair (Favre) and googly eyes (T-Jack) being the two options. Then, Kitty went and got surgery. The surgery was breast implants, but in reality, it made post-surgery Kitty quite attractive (as well, Judy Greer is quite attractive), just like the Vikings picking up Donovan McNabb got rid of the googly eyes and frazzled hair. Of course, the surgery wasn’t perfect, as her nipples were pointed in opposite directions, which is also kind of like how the Vikings are built, with many aging older star players declining, and young players who aren’t really any good. The Vikings are still a mess and a little delusional (“you don’t have the hiring and firing power!”), but at least they are a little better on the eyes.

New England Patriots – George Bluth Sr.

Pats are kind of like the Patriarch of the NFL, as Belichick is seen as the lead coach, and they are still held up as the gold standard even though they haven’t won a Super Bowl since 2004. Also, they get away with anything. I’ve always sondered how George Bluth was allowed to be placed under house arrest in S3 after he fled then faked a heart attack, fled the country and then drugged his brother, shaved his head and tried to pass him off as himself. Then he gets rewarded with house arrest? Kind of like how the Pats haven’t won a playoff game since 2007, how Tom Brady has been bad in the playoffs two straight years, how they’ve choked away numerous playoff games since 2005, and people still genuflect at their presence.

New Orleans Saints – The Milford School

The Milford School is famous for its belief that kids “should be neither seen nor heard.” The Saints have been the perfect Milford student so far in 2011. No one in the mainstream-media is really talking about them. They haven’t been seen or heard on many Super Bowl picks, but they could be a juggernaut. They still have a great offense, and Drew Brees probably won’t throw 22 picks again. Their defense was quietly top-10 in 2010 (although horrible in their playoff game). They won the title in 2009 and were 11-4 before a rest-a-thon and the Seattle game in 2010. The Saints are flying under the radar. As GOB would say, the Saints have been “spectacularly quiet” after last offseason when they went on a 7-month party celebrating their Super Bowl win.

New York Giants – Wayne Jarvis

Wayne was the lawyer who Michael wanted to replace Barry Zuckerkorn, due to the fact that Jarvis was a professional in every sense of the word. Yet, in reality, Wayne was crazy, agreeing to hide under the table to avoid meeting Lucille (seeing it as a professional way to dodge a meeting), and then trying to bribe Michael into giving away his father’s secrets after the joined the prosecution. The Giants act like professionals, with their “each game is a business meeting” motto, but in the past two years, they haven’t been really business-like, with the late season collapses, Osi’s spat with Coughlin, getting rid of Steve Smith. Somehow, they still feel a lot more competent than they should, just like Wayne was still a lot better than Barry.

New York Jets – Steve Holt

Just like Steve Holt, the Jets have all the makings of the most popular team in the world. They have the good-lookin’ latino QB, the Super Bowl MVP Wideout, the fat, jolly, smarter-than-you-realize head coach, and the brash defense that talks smack to the Pats, and then backs it up. Their brashness actually perfectly emulates Steve Holt’s, who is known to yell “Steve Holt” before he enters the conversation. The Jets might as well yell “The Jets” before all their games. The other connection is Steve Holt dating an underage-girl in Maebe, which is kind of analogous to Mark Sanchez brief affair with a 17-year old from New Jersey. It’s amazing how little staying power that story had. I mean, let’s not forget, Mark Sanchez had sex with a 17-year old. The attractive QB of the New York Jets decided, on his own accord, to not sleep with the multitude of appropriately aged women, and instead bang a 17-year old.

Oakland Raiders – Annyong

Annyong was the son Lucille Bluth adopted, partly to make the family look compassionate, and partly to make Buster jealous. Annyong was a character that was unceremoniously sent away in the middle of season two, shipped off to the Milford School “to teach him a lesson.” Annyong really was just misunderstood, namely about his name, which was not Annyong (Korean for “Hello”), but ‘Hell-Oh’. The Raiders are also criminally misunderstood. People saw Al Davis giving out big contracts to players not named Nnamdi Asomugha. What they failed to totally get was that the Raiders had little shot of keeping Nnamdi, so instead they locked up the rest. By the end of the series, Annyong returns to plot his revenge, just like Al Davis hopes to one day return to the top of the league, and take reveng on all those who doubted him.

Philadelphia Eagles – GOB Bluth

Just like the Magician, GOB Bluth, the Eagles pulled quite the magic trick in the offseason. How they were able to fit Nnamdi, Domonique Rodgers-Cromartie (and keep Samuel), Cullen Jenkins, Jason Babin, and then to cap it all off steal Steve Smith from the Giants is beyond me. GOB Bluth hates to use the term “trick” (as a “trick is something a whore does for money”), instead going for “illusion” and the Eagles are pulling one of those anyway. They have the illusion of a super team, despite Jeremy Maclin having some hush-hush strange injury, a logjam at corner, a defensive-coordinator who was last employed at offensive-line, and Michael Vick who is due for some serious interception regression. They really are the jokers.

Pittsburgh Steelers – Sally Sitwell

Sally Sitwell, after finding out that her father wanted Michael to date her, told Michael that “I would rather date someone my father doesn’t approve of” (which was to the ironic dismay of Michael who finally decided to ask out Sally because his father didn’t approve). The Steelers are kind of similar. They love it when we don’t approve of them, when we don’t consider them entering into a season. The 2008 Champions and 2010 Runner-Ups both entered those two respective seasons a bit under the radar. In 2008, everyone was up in arms about the Patriots trying to go perfect again, and the Cowboys, and the Steelers went out and had the best defense since the 2002 Bucs. In 2010, with Roethlisberger’s suspension, no one really thought of them as Super Bowl contenders (other than ironically Peter King, who is usually hilariously wrong with his Super Bowl picks). They then cruised all the way through the season and got there again. This year everyone likes them, so they are set up for disappointment. The Steelers don’t perform to well when they have everyone’s approval; just like Ms. Sitwell.

St. Louis Rams – Larry Middleman (the Surrogate)

Just like the surrogate was able to be the de-facto George Bluth in public situations outside when George was on house arrest, the Rams have become the de-facto Giants. They have the Giants old d-coordinator. They have a #1 overall pick at QB. They have the belief that you can never draft enough pass-rushers. Of course, they haven’t emuylated everything the Giants did, much like Middleman couldn’t emulate tone or inflection to relay George’s sarcasm. The Rams don’t have the Plaxico deep threat, but they’re close to getting to where the Giants were from 2005-2008.

San Diego Chargers – Lindsay Bluth Funke

Lindsay is beautiful, funny, good-hearted, and sweet. The only problem is that she is not bright and married to a doofus of a husband. The Chargers are powerful, beautiful (at passing), explosive and youthful. The only problem is the make ridiculous mistakes, sleepwalk in the beginning of seasons and have a doofus of a coach (in terms of game management). How Norv Turner lasted this long is incredible. The Chargers glaring weakness was their special teams, which rebelled against the rest of that team (#1 offense & defense by conventional stats), just like Lindsay rebelled against her mother. That said, when you forget about Tobias, Lindsay is quite a catch.

San Francisco 49ers – Surely Funke

Surely Funke was the sick wheelchair bound girl Meabe pretended was her sister to cash in checks that went to Surely for fundraisers. Her affliction: B.S (What are the symptoms?”, “I don’t know, it’s BS”). The 49ers are kind of like the Surely Funke version of the Maebe Funke Ravens. First of all, they hired the Ravens’ coach’s brother in Jim Harbaugh. They also have an affliction of BS,QB, with Alex Smith somehow still a member of the 49ers (and also still just 27). The 49ers also tried to use ex-Raven LB Coach Mike Singletary, after using ex-Raven DC Mike Nolan as head coach. They really have a bad case of wanting to be Maebe Funke.

Seattle Seahawks – Mort Meyers (Maebe’s boss)

He’s not a very famous character by name, but Jeff Garlin’s recurring role as Maebe’s boss led to a slew of slightly pedophilic jokes about Mort wanting to have an affair with Maebe, who would always give her standard answer of “Marry Me!” The Seahawks are also desperately trying to get with the younger crowd, opening up their wallets in free agency. Like Mort, the outcome is one of rejection, as I’m sure the NFL Playoffs will reject the Seahawks 2011 application led by Tarvaris Jackson. Even in that division.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers – George Michael Bluth

The only redeeming character on the show was not Michael, the nominal straight-man. No, it was George Michael, the only one who could kind of see the lunacy behind his whole family. Of course, he was also madly in love with his cousin, but that doesn’t change the fact that he was the innocent one. The Buccaneers are the innocent of the NFL. They have a young team. They didn’t og out and get anyone in Free Agency, instead decided to steadfastly stick to their plan which is coming together faster than anyone could have hoped. If you want an NFL comparison, they remind me a lot of how the 1999-2003 Titans were built, although without an Eddie George. They are the rare virgin team in a league who’s teams usually whore it up.

Tennessee Titans – Stan Sitwell

The man without any hair (“You mean were meeting with a guy who can’t grow his own hair? Come ON!!”), will be paralleled with the team that lost its hair in every way. First the dreadlocked one is holding-out (although that probably won’t last). Then the sometimes-Afro/sometimes-cornrows Randy Moss was cut. Then they go out and sign the notoriously bald Matt Hasselbeck. To cap it off, they fire the man responsible for arguably the best facial hair in the NFL over the past 15 years: Jeff Fisher. His resume includes a brilliant mustache, and the sadly-forgotten great beards in 2002 and 2003. The loss of Jeff Fisher’s mustache in the NFL is huge.

Washington Redskins – Tobias Funke

I don’t know if this is really saving the best for last, but it might be the strongest comparison. Tobias was the joke. The other characters we laughed with sometimes (instead of laughing at), but for Tobias he was the joke: his obliviousness nature, his never-nude affliction, his not-so-hidden gay-ness. The Redskins, and moreso, Mr, Daniel Snyder, is the jok. He never learns from umpteen free agent disasters. He builds a non-descript giant bowl of a stadium and then squeezes out every penny. He tries to control the media to laughable results. Also, since coming to Washington, Mr. Shanahan has been o better, emulating Tobias in the way that he is making fun of himself when he says things like “I think Rex Grossman can do better than Donovan McNabb in my offense.” There’s even the case that Snyder, Shanahan and even Tobias were respected professionals in past lives (business magnate, coach in Denver, anal-rapist), but are ridiculously awful in their current venture (NFL owner, coach in Washington, actor). And finally, like Tobias, the Redskins under Snyder have been anal-raping their fans for a long, long time.

Characters That Just Missed the Cut

- Nellie the Stripper

- ‘Girls With Low Self-Esteem’ creator Phillip Litt

- Warden Stefan Gentiles

- Cindy Lightballoon (the mole)

- Tony Wonder (really sad I couldn’t include him)

- Judge Reinhold

- Mrs. Featherbottom

Re-Review: Arrested Development 2-01 = The One Where Michael Leaves

"The One Where Michael Leaves". Just the title alone was a joke, jabbing Friends for having each episode titled "The One Where/With/When". The episode starts with Michael and son George Michael leaving for Arizona ("Pheonix, Arizona" as Michael immediately says cutting off Ron Howard's narration). Michael states that the best part of their intended move is not working with the family, but George Michael reminds him that Michael's family motto is "Family First." Michael, of course, says it was but that that wasn't a family. That they were "a bunch of greedy, selfish people who have our nose, and Aunt Lindsay" which gets George Michael excited that maybe Meabe isn't related to her, but Michael quashes that fear with a beautiful dead-pan of "[her nose] is not her real nose. I have a picture of her in a swimming cap that makes her look like a Falcon." And end scene. It was a really simple scene, a moment between father and son. But like any moment between father and son in Arrested Development, it contained incestuous thoughts and obliviousness. The perfect start to a perfect season.

We go back to the car where Michael drives proudly, thinking his family will weep for his loss, but George Michael chimes in with "Well, maybe they think we are headed home. Actually, that's what I thought we were doing until I heard about all that Phoenix stuff." Michael then calls home to ask for Michael to see if they know he's gone, but Lucille just shouts Michael and puts the phone down. Michael then drives back home, and in keeping with perfect detail, the second they enter the condo, the phone is loudly off the hook. After this relatively mundane start, AD begins then to turn up the heat. Michael attempts to give a dramatic speech about betrayal and that he and his son are leaving and cutting the cord, but it keeps getting interrupted. First Buster blows Lucille's rape horn (after Lucille gets defensive about needing her rape horn, Buster whispers "Yeah, like someone would want to "r" her". Then Lucille puts on the blender right as the speech is about the reach its climax, and gives a look only she is capable of giving. The acting in Arrested Development is really unbelievably good. In this case, it is not even the delivery of their lines. They all respond well and act well without speaking. These looks that Lucille gives are a perfect example.

We then cut over to another scene (with the sound of the blender constant in the background - again, no detail was ever forgotten), where Maebe tells George Michael if he feels bad that he's leaving his girlfriend 'Bland' (the first in a long, long line of mistaken names for Ann), a girl so nameless that "under her picture in the school yearbook it says not pictured." George Michael defends Blands honor by saying "they printed a retraction in the Spring Supplement." What show would ever have lines like this, think of something as absurd as a Spring Supplement to a high school yearbook. After George Michael tells Maebe that he's sad he can't go to the school "Get Out to Vote Assembly" (which of course, was postponed to after the election because a foreign exchange student parked to close to the gym), Annyong (in one of his few S2 appearances) claims that he'll play Uncle Sam, which is better than his current part of "ordering the strike against Pearl Harbor." That scene finally ends with Michael and Lucille leaving the kitchen with martini that she just blended in hand.

Michael then goes on another classic Michael Bluth rant about all the things he won't be giving to his family anymore, like someone to watch over Buster who won't kill him (to which Buster shouts "I'll kill them first"), or someone to give advice to GOB about how to get out of a mistake, and then to Lindsay marital advice about a husband who might be a (insert horn, as before Michael says "Gay", Tobias blows the rape horn). In this speech, George Michael was scolded for telling the family the location where they are moving. Remember this bit for later. On the way to Phoenix, Michael is stopped by the police who tell him that his father has been caught. Ron Howard interjects that "Michael knew if he went back, he would say something hurtful", and then it cuts to Michael saying "We're going back." I've never seen a show use the narrator as well as Arrested Development. The narrator was the source of just as many jokes (or in this case, the device used to begin the joke) as any of the other characters. The show cuts back to a scene where the police catch Oscar Bluth, George Bluth's hippy twin brother who had an affair with Lucille that he wants to rekindle. After Buster catches Oscar and Lucille kissing, he exclaims, "Oh, I thought my father was here." This then starts a long running gag of Oscar trying to hint to Buster that he is his father (which is true), as he replies "Did they?" in a tone that just spelled, "Your father is here." What makes the running bit work is this ridiculous music they pair Oscar's comment with, which follows the bit around throughout the seasons. The music was also used as a catalyst for many jokes. It happens two seconds later, where after Lucille says that Oscar can't stay with them, Buster says that "[Lucille] has always wanted me to have a father figure." Cut to Oscar, again with music, nodding "Yes, a father figure." These scenes never end, and never stop being funny.

Michael then meets Barry Zuckerkorn at the jail. Michael then tells Barry that they are leaving, and after George Michael tells Barry that he can't say where too, Michael says "No, we can tell Barry, we are going to Phoenix." To which Barry replies "Oh, I wish you hadn't said Phoenix." This little joke that played off of his earlier indignation of George Michael revealing their destination of Phoenix is a perfect scene to just explain how crazy Michael Bluth really is. Creator Mitch Hurwitz later said that Michael may have been the craziest character of all in that he can't see past the zaniness of everyone around him. Here is a perfect example. He doesn't realize his family won't give two shits about where he is going too, but he tries to hide it from them. Michael then returns to the Bluth home to post bail using the company checkbook (a nice callback to the original foundation of the show, that George Bluth was in prison for using company money). He walks into the living room where Lindsay is "excercising" by deep breathing while sitting on the couch. It cuts to a scene of Lindsay walking into the master bedroom to see Tobias sitting on the bed watching the exact same deep breathing excercising tape. After both Lindsay and Tobias realize they can't become sexually active again, they have a deep heart to heart, which contains a nice nugget where Tobias is seen laying on the bed swinging his legs behind him like a teenage girl. They then agree to an open marraige, to which Tobias cries out "We can hammer out the details later, but right now we have a daughter to tell.... Maebe, we're having a FAMILY MEETING!!". The scene ends with Lindsay telling Michael that GOB is now heading the company.

The scene cuts to the office where in Michael's old office GOB is playing pool and continually hitting the wall with his backswing of the pool cue. After each time, he tells his worker to smash the wall in that spot with a hammer, for no real apparent reason. GOB also tells Michael that his desk is now the massage table in the breakroom. When Michael tells GOB that he needs to be approved by the board, GOB replies that he already has which cuts to a scene where he in front of the board does a magic trick where he turns a one hundred dollar bill into one hundred pennies, and when the trick works, GOB is in his giddy look while the GOB magic music plays (another running soundtrack). Michael, in perfect Michael form, says "why wouldn't they trust you, you've already lost them 99 dollars." After Michael tells GOB that he thought GOB might need him, GOB gets indignant and says "I need you. I should call the guys in to hear this." and then proceeds to not be able to use the intercom, which ends in him, as it should be, needing Michael. Arrested Development did such a great job of juxtaposing a spoken line with an immediate action that relayed the rest of the joke. More than half of their jokes, I would say, were unspoken.

Tobias walks the boardwalk glumly after realizing that his wife will have more success in their open marriage (with a song of "When I'm down, so down; staring at the ground. I'm blue, so blue; Man, I'm blue), he sees a flier for "The Blue Man Group" which he mistakes to be a group for depressed men. This is the beginning of one of the most fruitful arcs in show history. Back in the condo, Lucille realizes that Michael came back out of need, that he was "The Boy who cried Phoenix" and assures him that the police won't be able to tie the homes in Iraq to George Bluth, and then reassures him with two ridiculous winks. Michael replies "Man, the jury's gonna love you," and before walking out, sees Annyong in full Uncle Sam regalia saying 'I Want You', and gives one last quip before leaving that "Man, the jury might actually like that." Going back to Lucille. This part was really evidence that she really was the most aware of everything. She was a bad person, but she also understood the dynamics of the group far more than Michael did, as she realized immediately why Michael came back home from Phoenix.

We cut back to the office where in attempt to nail a picture to the wall, GOB uses a sledgehammer (another callback to a season 1 gag where none of the Bluth family can successfully use a hammer - more on this next episode). After breaking the wall, GOB finds a briefcase with a signed agreement between George Bluth and "S. Hussein". Before we get back, we quickly cut to Tobias grinning with glee at the Blue Man Show's concert. Then it cuts to the penthouse, where Lucille watches the news where after the lead story that "You may be living in one of Saddam's mini-palaces", there is story that there was a seal attack, the first of many hidden foreshadowings to Buster losing his hand in a seal attack. On the way to the office, Lucille is stopped by Michael Moore. In the only true bit of referencing in this episode, Michael Moore asks Lucille if she was willing to sign Buster up for the ARMY , full Fahrenheit 911 style, to which Lucille says yes. The beginning of another great fountain of jokes for S2.

Michael is back at the house, trying to find the checkbook by, of course, breaking the walls with the sledgehammer, and he breaks a wall that reveals Tobias in the bathroom in full blue paint. "Are You Crazy!!" Tobias asks. "Are you Blue?" Michael retorts, to which Tobias says "only in color, Michael, only in color." Tobias then has a heart to heart with Michael, saying how he needs help, that "he's carrying a sledgehammer, and has blue paint on his......." He then realizes that he was the cause of the blue paint, not only on Michael's shirt but around the house. For the rest of the first half on S2 there will be blue paint all over the house in random places. On walls, on faucets, on plates; blue paint will become a running feature of the Bluth house. As Michael gets ready to leave to ask for money, Tobias says "I have to leave for an audition." Michael can't believe Tobias hasn't actually gotten the part, but Tobias replies sadly, "I just blew myself." The first of about 200 double entendre's in S2. We cut to Tobias walking to his audition at dusk, perfectly blending in with the blue sky (another thing that was so Arrested Development. What made the show is great is most shows wouldn't even think of half these things, be this creative. What show would have a member of the Blue Man Group?). He is then run over by, of all people, Barry Zuckerkorn.

Michael then meets the rest of the family in the hospital where he makes a speech about how people are too proud to ask for help, to say "I need you." To which each member of the family replies "I need you" one by one. Buster starts with "Mom volunteered me for the ARMY, just because the fat man said so." GOB continues with "I know too much. I've got the thingy. Half in Enlgish, half in squiggly". The doctor then arrives. The doctor is known to be a very literal man, as in he earlier said about George that "we lost him" when they lost him in that he escaped. Now, he's saying that Tobias "looks to be dead", to which GOB cries out, "The little guy. We lost the little guy. The tears just aren't coming" (the tear part was a callback to when George was reported to be 'lost' and he cried out for the loss of the 'Big Bear'). Michael wants reassurance, and the doctor replies "it just looks like he's dead. He's got like blue paint on him or something." which cues angry reactions from the whole family, the funniest being Lidnsay's "This Fucking Doctor" with the fucking bleeped out. The uses of curses in Arrested Development was always brilliant. In keeping with the realist setting of the show, they were always used like how any normal man would use the word, in times of agitation. Every bleep was expertly placed, always funny, always great.

The cops then come to take Michael, and GOB reassures him that they have the proof, they have George's signed contract with Saddam, "Hussein" as Buster slowly whispers. GOB then realizes that the briefcase is missing, which we would notice if we paid attention to the background that Oscar slowly takes the briefcase out of GOB's hands when hugging him. Annyong then blurts out that someone stole his Uncle Sam wig, which then we realize that Oscar was in fact George with the Uncle Sam wig, and that he's again on the lamb. Everything comes full circle, as Arrested Development is able to incorporate a seemingly irrelevant bit (the Uncle Sam part in the "Get Out to Vote" play) into the main arc. A nice way to wrap up a nice episode. The episode then finishes like all others, with fake "Next time on Arrested Development" scenes. The first uses the literal doctor who says to Lindsay "you are really looking hot" when she has a fever of 104. That leads to a scene where she's in the hospital, and hidden behind is Tobias, ears still Blue, in the cot next to her. The first episode was more just development and setting the season in place. It really gets going in the third episode. The second one is mostly a standalone, as far as any standalone can be in Arrested Development. When we get going though, it doesn't stop. From now on, I'll talk less about the summary, and more about my thoughts, but I wanted to let people get a good feel for what the show is. From now on, it gets tougher and more interesting. In the words of Bart Scott, Can't Wait.


Next Up: 2-02 - The One Where They Build a House

Re-Review: Arrested Development Season 2 Intro

So, before I start with the recap, I have to start with an update. Yes, I am putting the recap of Desperate Housewives Season 1 on hold, but I will get back to it (unlike my ill-fated 'Top 5 NFL Teams of the 2000s" which died as soon as I realized I would have to wax poetic about the Steelers and Patriots). I realized that doing a full 22-episode season of a one-hour dramedy is a little too ambitious for a first time reviewer, so I decided to hone my chops with a half-hour comedy, albeit one dense and layered enough to still make it challenging to perfectly encapsulate. Arrested Development has already been covered twice on this blog in excruciating detail. First, I wrote about it when I named it "The Best Sitcom of the 2000s", and then again when I compared its characters to the major players in the NFL's lockout. I've said on numerous occasions that I consider it the best sitcom I've ever seen. That doesn't mean it is the funniest (still Seinfeld, in terms of pure laughs and enjoyment), but it is the best, and definitely the most carefully, and deliberately written. It is a joy to watch, and unlike a lot of other good sitcoms, it is infinitely rewatchable (unlike my new pet Community, which really becomes slow and stale on multiple viewings). So here we go, a re-review of Arrested Development's Season 2, an 18-episode run of brilliance in comedy.

I picked Season 2 partly because 'The A.V. Club' is already doing a re-review of Season 1, and they do that sort of thing for money (in other words, a lot better than me), and partly because I am more fond of Season 2, a season with a better running plot, an extra character (although we lose Annyong), and just a little more spunk and layers than Season 1. To set the table for those who don't know, Season 2 begins with George Bluth escaping from the hospital after faking a heart attack, and Michael finally deciding to move away from the family. For those who really don't know, the show is about a rich family who's father and with him who's wealth gets taken away after they defrauded their investors, as well as making deals to build houses for Saddam, as in "Hussein" (as Buster lets us know). Son Michael is hardworking and takes over the Bluth Real Estate Company. His older brother GOB is a failing magician. His twin sister Lindsay is a failing socialite married to a chronically dissarayed, and failing actor Tobias, who also is a walking double entendre. Their younger brother, Buster, is a scared, nervous momma's boy. Michael's son Goerge Michael is in love with both his cousin, and an unwelcome, ordinary girl named Ann Paul Veal. The cousin in question is Meabe (pronounced 'Maybe'), and is the rebellious, scheming daughter of Lindsay. Of course, it is complete with their mother, Lucille who is as biting and caustic as any tv character ever. They all make up their happy little family, along with Uncle Oscar, who is George's haired twin brother, who happens to have an affair with Lucille. Yup, it is that kind of family. Anyway, That's the Bluth Family.

Season 1's main plot was about the arrest and incarceration of George Bluth, but the running theme was everyone was looking for something that they can't have. GOB was looking for a way back into the magic business, but kept screwing up (like losing magnate Earl Milford in his Aztec Tomb trick, or using unregistered help to perform his 'saw a lady in half trick'). Michael is looking for love after losing his wife to cancer, and only found it in the form of GOB's Columbian girlfriend Marta. Lucille is looking for a way to be rich again, but keeps getting her luxuries stripped away, like being relegated to pool-only members of the country club. Lindsay looks for a way out of her marraige, but is bound by her daughter to stay with Tobias. Tobias looks to be an actor, but instead all he gets is reserve-understudy to the Blue Man Group. No one is happy, but it makes for a whole lot of funny. Season 2 is more about reconnecting with what was lost, and that makes for a more interesting season in my mind.

Anyway, Season 2 of Arrested Development is about as good as the show got (although there was a brief 4-episode stretch in Season 3 where the show basically said "Fuck You" to FOX after realizing it was doomed, and let itself go, and the quality in that stretch was amazing). It was a tightly packaged season, that actually responded well to having its order cut-back from 22 to 18 episodes which allowed for a even-more packed finish. Having George Michael and Maebe one year older (and the actors themselves much more confident in their roles and abilities) allowed them to become just as important as the adults. It also amped up the self-referential and inter-textual humor, which made it more dissectable than its comparatively straight Season 1 (again, a lot like how Community ramped up its stylistic experimentation and meta-humor in Season 2 of its run, although Arrested did it and it improved the show - I'm not so sure Community got better, just more creative). I'll start probably tomorrow with "The One Where Michael Leaves", an episode where the title alone is a reference to Friends' persistence in starting each episode name with "The One Where/Which/When/With. It will also be the one time where this really isn't as much revisiting a show as it is writing down what I think about the show when watching it, since I've pretty much seen the show enough times to know the episodes line-by-line. But like in any watching of Arrested Development, I guarantee I'll unearth a couple jokes I missed the previous 10 times along the way.

The NFL's Arrested Development

The NFL Lockout. This is probably the biggest ongoing off-the-field issue is sports right now, and I've yet to really speak one word about it. Mainly this is due to the fact that I can't truly believe that the NFL and NFLPA* will be unable to split 9 billion dollars. I've rarely seen a lockout or strike at a time when the sport was at its healthiest, and that is what we have now. That said, with the NFL Draft fast approaching, and the realization that newly selected players won't be able to have a congratulatory phone call from their new boss due to rules governing player/team contact, I can't avoid it. However, instead of dwelling into the legalese of mediation and Brady et al vs. NFL et al, I'll just do a little rundown of the cast of characters we have that make up the people involved in the case, and I'll do this by comparing them to members of Arrested Develepment (aka, the Greatest Sitcom of the 2000s if not ever). Let's get to the rundown.


Michael Bluth = Roger Goodell


Just like Mr. Bluth, Goodell expresses the calm and cooperation necessary of a leader and a man with power. Michael was the president of the Bluth Co. overseeing it with ease, as Goodell has overseen the NFL with ease up until the lockout. However, what made Michael Bluth the amazing character that he was was not only was Bluth the straight man of the show, but, as said in creator Mithc Hurwitz's words, "he was the craziest of the bunch, as he couldn't see what was going on." That perfectly represents Goodell, who stands up on his podium and makes well-sounding claims like "the owners are looking out for the future of the game," and "the economics of the game don't work" and the best one, "a majority of fans want the 18 game schedule" (I have yet to meet five fans who want this). Like Michael, Goodell can't see the mess around him, the craziness he has to deal with, and although he's a smart, confident, straight-laced guy, he's coming off horribly by not reacting to the combustive nature of the situation.

Memorable Quotes:

"We care about the health of our players, the safety of our players" [cut to two weeks later] "The fans have spoken, and like us, they want more real games".


"What have I always said comes first? Family" [cut to next episode] "That is not a family. I don't care who takes care of them. The state, the police, maybe the Magician's Alliance will pick up some slack. We can't live with them anymore"

"No I know who Annabell is. Who is Anne?" [after being told her name is not Annabell] "I know her name is not Annabell. I just call her that because her body is shaped like..... she's the bell of the ball."

"Let me tell you something GOB. We're gonna track this 'Hermano' down and kick his ass. Because if anyone's going out with that girl its gonna be one of us"



George Bluth = Paul Tagliabue


This isn't a perfect comparison, since unlike Tagliabue, George Bluth was guilty of defrauding investors, however, as the show went on, the fraud become basically a forgotten charge in light of the treason in Iraq. In that case, George is just like Tags, both men who were set up, who did good work, and were then accused of screwing things up. The anti-Tagliabue argument is hilarious. The owners are basically accusing Tagliabue of screwing the owners in the last round of CBA negotiations, even though 30 of 32 owners agreed to the deal and the two who didn't were vilified and called "cheap." George Bluth was screwed over by "the Brits" a people who "all polite and the men all sound gay" who made him build homes in Iraq and then stayed silent when George was charged for those crimes. Paul Tagliabue was a real man, a man with great dignity and resolve and a man who oversaw a period in the NFL with no work stoppages. For these things, he's very un-George Bluth-ian, but then again, no one on Arrested Development is truly good.

Memorable Quotes

"Our focus continues to be on having the Saints in Louisiana... We're trying to develop what we would regard as a new model for the Saints to operate in a rebuilt Louisiana."


"You can argue the significance of the shank bone on the sedar plate, but we do NOT wag our genitals at one another to make the point..... Oh my GOD, Hanukkah can be spelled so many ways."

[after being told Cindi was a mole] "Well, God doesn't care how big your teeth are. Yes, you could go to a dentist and and you could, whoa, grind off about 30%. Maye more."

"Don't get involved. Believe me, when I thought your first wife was driving us apart, I didn't make a stink." [after Michael tells George she died] "See what I mean. Things have a way of working themselves out"



Lucille Bluth = Judge Susan Nelson


Just like the ever-amazing matriarch, Nelson secretly is the most important person in the whole thing. Nelson has the power to make the NFL open for duty tomorrow. She has the ability to make statements in her decision in the injunction case and possibly the antitrust case that forever change the NFL. She's the eyes and ears of the operation, much like Lucille was secretly the (wo)man running the Bluth company telling George everything to due. The person setting up deals with the Iraqis, and the Colombians. Judge Nelson also shares Lucille's witty banter, as she slammed the parties, stating, "splitting up 9 billion should not be that hard." Judge Nelson could end up being the biggest person in the NFL, just like Lucille quietly ended up possibly being the best person on the show.

Memorable Quotes

"I'm having a hard time understanding how this lockout is legal after the union decertified."


"If that's a veiled criticism about me, I won't hear it, and I won't respond to it"

"Take that plate back. If I wanted something your thumb touched I would eat the inside of your ear"

"Lupe's family has a bus, and they want to use the parking lot of this building as a meeting place. I mean, for God's sake, it is not a hardware store."

"Lucille 2's trying to prove that she's closer to my children than I am by getting with GOB, but the jokes on her because she doesn't know how little I care for GOB."



Lindsay Bluth Funke = DeMaurice Smith


Like both, they appear to be fighting for and reporting on a cuase. Lindsay always had her causes, whether it be HOOP ("Hands of our Penises" - an anti-circumcision movement) or "Neuter-Fest" (wanting to make cats and dogs a thing of the past). DeMaurice Smith has the ultimate cause, defending the players rights, but being a total hardass in negotiation and spinning loads of baseless rhetoric to the media isn't exactly getting the job done. Honestly, this isn't a great comparison, but I can't really get anyone good for Lindsay, also this is nice to compare a lesbian Australian woman to an African-American man, which is basically one of the weirder comparisons, especially since in sports people are always afraid to make interracial comparisons (i.e; any small white receiver and Wes Welker).

Memorable Quotes

"From May 18, 2009, the day I took office as NFLPA president, up until the day [the NFL] proposed the worst deal in history, did you offer any financial statements to justify the worst deal in sports history?"


"We're not the only ones destroying trees. What about beavers? If you call yourself an environmentalist, you should go out and club some beavers."

"I'm gonna try to get a wrench to strip my nuts.... damn, I just can't do it anymore"

[after being told she was lazy] "If you weren't standing on the other side of the room, I would come across and slap you right in the face"



Buster Bluth = Jerry Richardson


Both are the blubbering fools. Buster and Jerry Richardson are both pitiable, because they just don't have a chance. Buster is just screwed because he was raised with a totally insane, protective mother, and ended up with the social skills of a common wombat. Of course, that doesn't make Buster unlovable and unsympathetic. Jerry Richardson is the same, in a more pointed way. He's a sympathetic figure because he's just so outdated with the modern NFL, that he's now socially inept in the bargaining table. He's been labeled as a hatemonger against players in meetings, challenging the intellect of Peyton Manning and Drew Brees, and feeling that the players need to bow down to him because he was a past player. Buster and Jerry both just are misunderstood. Sadly, Buster's actions are more forgivable and less important.

Memorable Quotes

"This is a profit chart" [to Peyton Manning] "do you need help reading it, with the math and all"


"My army training makes me think this is going to be a hot mission.... you go and grab the gypsy boy while I make a diversion. We need a name for this mission..... How about 'Operation Hot Mother.'"

[holding stuffed animals won from the crane machine] "These are my awards, Mother. From army. The seal is for marksmanship. The gorilla is for sandracing."

[to GOB at the start of a magic trick] "Silence, Slave! Now, I'm going to put a sword through my assistants tummy. Assistant, may I have the fake trick sword, please?"



George Michael Bluth = John Mara


This is probably the weirdest one, the one where the Arrested Development character is probably more known. That said, it fits, because these are the only two normal ones. John Mara is one of the few owners who really doesn't toe the company line, that doesn't align himself with the owners like Jerry Jones and Robert Kraft (more on them later). Mara is the person who gave back the season ticket money fans spent on the Giants for 2011. He's the one who first wrote a letter to the fans saying how sad he was, and he made it seem earnest. George Michael is the real straight man on the show, in that he's the only one who is really in touch with reality. He's the only one who can see everything for what it is, just like Mara.

Memorable Quotes

"We are not happy that there is no deal, and we appreciate the pain and frustration of all of our fans. It is my mission to return the focus to what is important: the New York Giants."


[after getting kicked out of R-rated French movie about the love of two cousins] "GOB, I need you to make two fake ID's for me and Maeby. Passports. Preferably French, I like the way they think"

"Sometimes, she'll take a pack of mayonnaise and squirt it in her mouth all over. And then she'll take an egg and kind of.... nom, nom, nom. She calls it a mayon-egg!"




GOB Bluth = Rich Eisen


Another comparison that may fall flat onto unknowing ears, but it works. Rich Eisen in the face of NFL Network, a man who left the douchebaggeric confines of Bristol CT, to work for a new network. He's really become quite likable, mixing a perfect brew of boss-ness/dickish-ness and hilariousness to his job as lead anchor of NFL Total Access. That brew, that perfect concoction, mirrors what makes GOB just that damn amazing and funny. GOB's the brash magician, who never ceases to just make us laugh, to make us entertained. That's what Eisen has done to NFL Network, and it was never more important than now. Being a paid employee of the league, it would be easy to be a schill for the owners, yet he's manned up and been unbiased, and just flat cool.

Memorable Quotes

"Lockout insurance for Hines Ward: He'll have Dancing with the Stars this spring. I guess its extra incentive to dance well for him."


"The zero hour Michael. I'm the first born. Sick of playing second fiddle. Always third in line for everything. Tired of finishing fourth. Being the fifth wheel.... uhmm... there are six things I'm mad about, and I'm taking over."

[When asked if he ever was awkward around girls] "You mean like when there was three of them and I didn't know when to start? No, I think I did pretty well, if you know what I mean. Not a lot of complaints. At least not from the girl."

"Tony Wonder baked himself into a bread and was eaten by the troops. I had that same idea three months ago. I was going to be boiled into a chowder and be ladelled into a cauldron to feed the firemen."

"And now you love the ten commandments Michael, and yet you're the one who so conveniently forgot "Thou shalt protect thy father and honor no one above him unless be it me, thy sweet lord"

(only one more..... I could go on for hours with GOB quotes)

"Hey maybe we should do to the Japanese what they did in their movies. Build a miniature city, put it outside the window. It'll look real if they squint. God knows they're squinters!"



Maeby Funke = Cam Newton


Yeah, he doesn't exactly have a real role in the lockout, but I'm making him a part representative of all rookies, and in that area, he does. Rookie's are basically the big losers, as they've done nothing wrong, but have been placed in a warzone, just like Maeby, who had the unfortunate circumstances of having two insane parents. However, just like Maeby, Cam's still here because he likes him some him. Already, the man has said he wants to be "a global icon and entertainer". Maeby had a similar brashness, a similar defiance of the normal boundaries for a child. Maeby's rebellious personality led her to pose as a disabled girl in a fake nose to get money. Cam's personality has already made him garner comparisons to someone with LeBron James' ego at perhaps Vince Young's skill level; not a good cocktail. Speaking of cocktails, Maebe would love another Virgin Margarita and if that doesn't have alcohol, a virgin Pina Colada.

Memorable Quotes

"I don't want to sound arrogant but I did something in one year people couldn't do in their whole collegiate careers."


"It all adds up. Pop-pop stole someone's hair, made a wig, knocked out a guard, tunneled his way through a sewer line, then stopped to get a candied apple on his way to Mexico!"

"Okay, so I printed the fake airline ticket to Portugal from my computer. If my parents miss this, then I really might go to South America"



Tobias Funke = Peter King


To cap this off might be my favorite one on the list (which is why Tobias comes well after Lindsay). For the first time, I had to do work in thinking who to pair with King, and Tobias is the best one. Both speak (or in King's case write) like enlightened men with a podim; Tobias being the worlds first analrapist (not what you think... as far as you know), and King the first media columnist to get an outlet on the internet. Yet, both are mocked all the time. Tobias is the king of the double entendre, being mocked by Michael to everyone else, while King is openly hated on by KissingSuzyKolber.com each week, as well as everyone else with a brain. King is also now the lackey of the owners, almost always writing unbiased reports on the lockout. He also has the horrible tendency to play favorites all the time. Tobias doesn't do any of that, but as just a bumbling idiot with too much of an ego, they fit perfectly.

Memorable Quotes

"From that day that Roger Goodell stepped in to break off a fight between a black and white man in a bar, Roger Goodell has been a peace-maker"

[Before 2010 season] "Carolina is my surprise pick to make the playoffs as a wild card"



[To Buster] "Why don't we pair up... and hit the town together. I'll be your wingman, and even if it means me taking a chubby, I will suck it up!"

[To a grief-less Michael] "Here he comes. Here comes John Wayne. "I'm not gonna cry about my pa. I'm gonna build an airport. Put my name on it. Supress it if you want, but it will come out Michael, sometimes in the most unexpected...." [opens fridge] "Hey. Where the FUCK are my hard boiled eggs?"

"I prematurely shot my wad, on what was supposed to be a dry run. So now, I have something of a mess on my hands."



That Ends Part 1, the major characters. Come back next for Part 2: the sideshows.