Michael Bluth = Roger Goodell
Just like Mr. Bluth, Goodell expresses the calm and cooperation necessary of a leader and a man with power. Michael was the president of the Bluth Co. overseeing it with ease, as Goodell has overseen the NFL with ease up until the lockout. However, what made Michael Bluth the amazing character that he was was not only was Bluth the straight man of the show, but, as said in creator Mithc Hurwitz's words, "he was the craziest of the bunch, as he couldn't see what was going on." That perfectly represents Goodell, who stands up on his podium and makes well-sounding claims like "the owners are looking out for the future of the game," and "the economics of the game don't work" and the best one, "a majority of fans want the 18 game schedule" (I have yet to meet five fans who want this). Like Michael, Goodell can't see the mess around him, the craziness he has to deal with, and although he's a smart, confident, straight-laced guy, he's coming off horribly by not reacting to the combustive nature of the situation.
Memorable Quotes:
"We care about the health of our players, the safety of our players" [cut to two weeks later] "The fans have spoken, and like us, they want more real games".
"What have I always said comes first? Family" [cut to next episode] "That is not a family. I don't care who takes care of them. The state, the police, maybe the Magician's Alliance will pick up some slack. We can't live with them anymore"
"No I know who Annabell is. Who is Anne?" [after being told her name is not Annabell] "I know her name is not Annabell. I just call her that because her body is shaped like..... she's the bell of the ball."
"Let me tell you something GOB. We're gonna track this 'Hermano' down and kick his ass. Because if anyone's going out with that girl its gonna be one of us"
George Bluth = Paul Tagliabue
This isn't a perfect comparison, since unlike Tagliabue, George Bluth was guilty of defrauding investors, however, as the show went on, the fraud become basically a forgotten charge in light of the treason in Iraq. In that case, George is just like Tags, both men who were set up, who did good work, and were then accused of screwing things up. The anti-Tagliabue argument is hilarious. The owners are basically accusing Tagliabue of screwing the owners in the last round of CBA negotiations, even though 30 of 32 owners agreed to the deal and the two who didn't were vilified and called "cheap." George Bluth was screwed over by "the Brits" a people who "all polite and the men all sound gay" who made him build homes in Iraq and then stayed silent when George was charged for those crimes. Paul Tagliabue was a real man, a man with great dignity and resolve and a man who oversaw a period in the NFL with no work stoppages. For these things, he's very un-George Bluth-ian, but then again, no one on Arrested Development is truly good.
Memorable Quotes
"Our focus continues to be on having the Saints in Louisiana... We're trying to develop what we would regard as a new model for the Saints to operate in a rebuilt Louisiana."
"You can argue the significance of the shank bone on the sedar plate, but we do NOT wag our genitals at one another to make the point..... Oh my GOD, Hanukkah can be spelled so many ways."
[after being told Cindi was a mole] "Well, God doesn't care how big your teeth are. Yes, you could go to a dentist and and you could, whoa, grind off about 30%. Maye more."
"Don't get involved. Believe me, when I thought your first wife was driving us apart, I didn't make a stink." [after Michael tells George she died] "See what I mean. Things have a way of working themselves out"
Lucille Bluth = Judge Susan Nelson
Just like the ever-amazing matriarch, Nelson secretly is the most important person in the whole thing. Nelson has the power to make the NFL open for duty tomorrow. She has the ability to make statements in her decision in the injunction case and possibly the antitrust case that forever change the NFL. She's the eyes and ears of the operation, much like Lucille was secretly the (wo)man running the Bluth company telling George everything to due. The person setting up deals with the Iraqis, and the Colombians. Judge Nelson also shares Lucille's witty banter, as she slammed the parties, stating, "splitting up 9 billion should not be that hard." Judge Nelson could end up being the biggest person in the NFL, just like Lucille quietly ended up possibly being the best person on the show.
Memorable Quotes
"I'm having a hard time understanding how this lockout is legal after the union decertified."
"If that's a veiled criticism about me, I won't hear it, and I won't respond to it"
"Take that plate back. If I wanted something your thumb touched I would eat the inside of your ear"
"Lupe's family has a bus, and they want to use the parking lot of this building as a meeting place. I mean, for God's sake, it is not a hardware store."
"Lucille 2's trying to prove that she's closer to my children than I am by getting with GOB, but the jokes on her because she doesn't know how little I care for GOB."
Lindsay Bluth Funke = DeMaurice Smith
Like both, they appear to be fighting for and reporting on a cuase. Lindsay always had her causes, whether it be HOOP ("Hands of our Penises" - an anti-circumcision movement) or "Neuter-Fest" (wanting to make cats and dogs a thing of the past). DeMaurice Smith has the ultimate cause, defending the players rights, but being a total hardass in negotiation and spinning loads of baseless rhetoric to the media isn't exactly getting the job done. Honestly, this isn't a great comparison, but I can't really get anyone good for Lindsay, also this is nice to compare a lesbian Australian woman to an African-American man, which is basically one of the weirder comparisons, especially since in sports people are always afraid to make interracial comparisons (i.e; any small white receiver and Wes Welker).
Memorable Quotes
"From May 18, 2009, the day I took office as NFLPA president, up until the day [the NFL] proposed the worst deal in history, did you offer any financial statements to justify the worst deal in sports history?"
"We're not the only ones destroying trees. What about beavers? If you call yourself an environmentalist, you should go out and club some beavers."
"I'm gonna try to get a wrench to strip my nuts.... damn, I just can't do it anymore"
[after being told she was lazy] "If you weren't standing on the other side of the room, I would come across and slap you right in the face"
Buster Bluth = Jerry Richardson
Both are the blubbering fools. Buster and Jerry Richardson are both pitiable, because they just don't have a chance. Buster is just screwed because he was raised with a totally insane, protective mother, and ended up with the social skills of a common wombat. Of course, that doesn't make Buster unlovable and unsympathetic. Jerry Richardson is the same, in a more pointed way. He's a sympathetic figure because he's just so outdated with the modern NFL, that he's now socially inept in the bargaining table. He's been labeled as a hatemonger against players in meetings, challenging the intellect of Peyton Manning and Drew Brees, and feeling that the players need to bow down to him because he was a past player. Buster and Jerry both just are misunderstood. Sadly, Buster's actions are more forgivable and less important.
Memorable Quotes
"This is a profit chart" [to Peyton Manning] "do you need help reading it, with the math and all"
"My army training makes me think this is going to be a hot mission.... you go and grab the gypsy boy while I make a diversion. We need a name for this mission..... How about 'Operation Hot Mother.'"
[holding stuffed animals won from the crane machine] "These are my awards, Mother. From army. The seal is for marksmanship. The gorilla is for sandracing."
[to GOB at the start of a magic trick] "Silence, Slave! Now, I'm going to put a sword through my assistants tummy. Assistant, may I have the fake trick sword, please?"
George Michael Bluth = John Mara
This is probably the weirdest one, the one where the Arrested Development character is probably more known. That said, it fits, because these are the only two normal ones. John Mara is one of the few owners who really doesn't toe the company line, that doesn't align himself with the owners like Jerry Jones and Robert Kraft (more on them later). Mara is the person who gave back the season ticket money fans spent on the Giants for 2011. He's the one who first wrote a letter to the fans saying how sad he was, and he made it seem earnest. George Michael is the real straight man on the show, in that he's the only one who is really in touch with reality. He's the only one who can see everything for what it is, just like Mara.
Memorable Quotes
"We are not happy that there is no deal, and we appreciate the pain and frustration of all of our fans. It is my mission to return the focus to what is important: the New York Giants."
[after getting kicked out of R-rated French movie about the love of two cousins] "GOB, I need you to make two fake ID's for me and Maeby. Passports. Preferably French, I like the way they think"
"Sometimes, she'll take a pack of mayonnaise and squirt it in her mouth all over. And then she'll take an egg and kind of.... nom, nom, nom. She calls it a mayon-egg!"
GOB Bluth = Rich Eisen
Another comparison that may fall flat onto unknowing ears, but it works. Rich Eisen in the face of NFL Network, a man who left the douchebaggeric confines of Bristol CT, to work for a new network. He's really become quite likable, mixing a perfect brew of boss-ness/dickish-ness and hilariousness to his job as lead anchor of NFL Total Access. That brew, that perfect concoction, mirrors what makes GOB just that damn amazing and funny. GOB's the brash magician, who never ceases to just make us laugh, to make us entertained. That's what Eisen has done to NFL Network, and it was never more important than now. Being a paid employee of the league, it would be easy to be a schill for the owners, yet he's manned up and been unbiased, and just flat cool.
Memorable Quotes
"Lockout insurance for Hines Ward: He'll have Dancing with the Stars this spring. I guess its extra incentive to dance well for him."
"The zero hour Michael. I'm the first born. Sick of playing second fiddle. Always third in line for everything. Tired of finishing fourth. Being the fifth wheel.... uhmm... there are six things I'm mad about, and I'm taking over."
[When asked if he ever was awkward around girls] "You mean like when there was three of them and I didn't know when to start? No, I think I did pretty well, if you know what I mean. Not a lot of complaints. At least not from the girl."
"Tony Wonder baked himself into a bread and was eaten by the troops. I had that same idea three months ago. I was going to be boiled into a chowder and be ladelled into a cauldron to feed the firemen."
"And now you love the ten commandments Michael, and yet you're the one who so conveniently forgot "Thou shalt protect thy father and honor no one above him unless be it me, thy sweet lord"
(only one more..... I could go on for hours with GOB quotes)
"Hey maybe we should do to the Japanese what they did in their movies. Build a miniature city, put it outside the window. It'll look real if they squint. God knows they're squinters!"
Maeby Funke = Cam Newton
Yeah, he doesn't exactly have a real role in the lockout, but I'm making him a part representative of all rookies, and in that area, he does. Rookie's are basically the big losers, as they've done nothing wrong, but have been placed in a warzone, just like Maeby, who had the unfortunate circumstances of having two insane parents. However, just like Maeby, Cam's still here because he likes him some him. Already, the man has said he wants to be "a global icon and entertainer". Maeby had a similar brashness, a similar defiance of the normal boundaries for a child. Maeby's rebellious personality led her to pose as a disabled girl in a fake nose to get money. Cam's personality has already made him garner comparisons to someone with LeBron James' ego at perhaps Vince Young's skill level; not a good cocktail. Speaking of cocktails, Maebe would love another Virgin Margarita and if that doesn't have alcohol, a virgin Pina Colada.
Memorable Quotes
"I don't want to sound arrogant but I did something in one year people couldn't do in their whole collegiate careers."
"It all adds up. Pop-pop stole someone's hair, made a wig, knocked out a guard, tunneled his way through a sewer line, then stopped to get a candied apple on his way to Mexico!"
"Okay, so I printed the fake airline ticket to Portugal from my computer. If my parents miss this, then I really might go to South America"
Tobias Funke = Peter King
To cap this off might be my favorite one on the list (which is why Tobias comes well after Lindsay). For the first time, I had to do work in thinking who to pair with King, and Tobias is the best one. Both speak (or in King's case write) like enlightened men with a podim; Tobias being the worlds first analrapist (not what you think... as far as you know), and King the first media columnist to get an outlet on the internet. Yet, both are mocked all the time. Tobias is the king of the double entendre, being mocked by Michael to everyone else, while King is openly hated on by KissingSuzyKolber.com each week, as well as everyone else with a brain. King is also now the lackey of the owners, almost always writing unbiased reports on the lockout. He also has the horrible tendency to play favorites all the time. Tobias doesn't do any of that, but as just a bumbling idiot with too much of an ego, they fit perfectly.
Memorable Quotes
"From that day that Roger Goodell stepped in to break off a fight between a black and white man in a bar, Roger Goodell has been a peace-maker"
[Before 2010 season] "Carolina is my surprise pick to make the playoffs as a wild card"
[To Buster] "Why don't we pair up... and hit the town together. I'll be your wingman, and even if it means me taking a chubby, I will suck it up!"
[To a grief-less Michael] "Here he comes. Here comes John Wayne. "I'm not gonna cry about my pa. I'm gonna build an airport. Put my name on it. Supress it if you want, but it will come out Michael, sometimes in the most unexpected...." [opens fridge] "Hey. Where the FUCK are my hard boiled eggs?"
"I prematurely shot my wad, on what was supposed to be a dry run. So now, I have something of a mess on my hands."
That Ends Part 1, the major characters. Come back next for Part 2: the sideshows.
