Hell's Kitchen is a nice guilty pleasure of mine, and how could it not be? Food? Interesting Characters? Angry British Guy Screaming Obscenities So Much That It Makes Rex Ryan Look Polite? Hell's Kitchen has got it all. This season has been very, very interesting. There has been a total psycho who admitted to eating raw live calves. There has been a menapausal woman who acted quite whorish at times. There were two african-americans who were hated from the beginning, despite them actually both being talented, which dripped of nice racism. There has been a in-competition romance, and those two are left. The competitors are Jay, a great chef and the prohibitive favorite, and Holly, a curvy, but slightly overrated cook and harlequin. Anyway, here we go, Ramsey's out there, so are the two, and it is ON.
8:02 - So, we start off with a nice little montage, which appropriately shows Jay as a person who can cook, and Holly as a person who likes to wear skimpy clothing and act all cute. I think it is pretty sure by my tone that breasts aren't swaying my decision. Jay really should win this.
8:05 - Jay says confidently "I can beat her." Holly responds with a nice "I will do whatever it takes." Again, I'll take the more confident guy here. For a nice little twist, the chefs will design their own menu for the final, to which Holly is bewildered, saying "I didn't think I'll make it far." Yeah, that's a good sign.
8:07 - Holly says "I'm not sure what the taste of the menu will be. People will say it is French, but I think it is Californian." I'm not sure how you get those two mixed up.
8:08 - They are now in a limo. Jay quips "Chef Ramsay doesn't do anything nice for us." Of course, Jay has to forgetten that every single episode, there is a fucking prize where they get to do fun, expensive shit.
8:09 - The final challenge is the chefs designing five dishes, and it will be judged by five of Ramsay's yes-men (or as he calls it "my executive chefs").
8:10 - "Cooking five dishes in an hour, my head might fall off," Holly says. At least it wouldn't be her boobs falling off, because then she has no shot. Also, why is it always they finish just in the nick of time. No one can finish it 57 minutes, not 59:59.
8:11 - Both present their amoze-buch (not sure what that is, but it seems like a cloudy martini-type thing). Jay wins the first test, and now the cold appetizers.
8:12 - Holly wins the cold appetizer, mainly because the chef had googly eyes for her. Way to let your testosterone get in the way.
8:13 - Holly wins the hot appetizer, and this time a woman was judging, so I have to assume she was a lesbian. Jay wins the fish entree, and even gets a "definitely the better one."
8:14 - The final dish will be judged by who is essentially their future boss. Jay has tater tots in his dish. To me, that would be an immediate DQ, since tater tots are basically first-grade food. Holly tries to flirt her way to a win. Very surprising there.
8:17 - Hell's Kitchen's ad breaks are so predictible, as they go to commercial right before he announces the winner. It would be a bigger surprise if the FOX people actually give out the answer before the challenge. Jay wins. Thank the fucking Lord.
8:19 - Another tradition in the final, Chef Ramsay brings back older chefs that were previously knocked out to be the souz chefs in the final. Jay pick Benjamin, which is a great pick, since he, you know, is the second best chef in the whole damn competition. Holly picks Autumn, who everyone hates. Jay picks Jason, who everyone also hates. It's like the FOX higher-ups told Jay and Holly to stop acting so damn racist.
8:21 - The final pick is between one crazy young bitch, and one crazy old bitch. Jay picks the old bitch. Basically, those two will not decide this competition at all. Siobhan, who is the last pick, needlessly brings up an old grudge and curses out Ben.
8:22 - Back upstairs, they go over their menus. Siobhan says she hasn't cooked foix gras before. That's nice. I think I have. For some reason, Ben is stepping up as the leader, controlling the menu. Jay says, "We have the 'A' team, they have the 'L' team." Not sure what that means, but I still probably agree with him no matter what.
8:24 - Siobhan doesn't know that the center of a flame will give off the most heat. She seems well qualified. She somehow was not kicked off first, which shows that they must intentionally pick bad people with no skills.
8:25 - Chef Ramsay ends act 2 by calling them to his office. They seem scared, but he's probably just handing out a pep-talk, or a camera to film them having sex, which is the only thing that hasn't yet happened on this season.
8:26 - Dinner for Schucks commercial comes on. I have a rule that if you put five really funny people together in a movie, the movie has to be funny. I think I have found my long-awaited exception to that rule.
8:27 - Sprint gives off a nice ad about their unlimited text and web deals. You'll need those, since they have a rarely-quoted very-limited talk deal.
8:28 - FOX is releasing a show called "The Great Food Truck Race" about a race between, you'll never guess, a group of Food Trucks. I love cooking shows, and truck shows, but there is a better chance I will watch Betty White get herself off than watch "The Great Good Truck Race".
8:29 - Chef Ramsay gives them each a trip to Australia for some reason. Was that really necessary? Couldn't they have donated that money, or at least use it to give Chef Ramsay a haircut, or Siobhan a penis-removal surgery.
8:30 - Right before the opening, Jay and Holly share a very awkward half-kiss. Very sweet, like watching two dolphins have sex, but only awkwarder.
8:32 - They gave Siobhan the amuze buch responsibilities. That seems like a good idea Holly. She didn't even know what foix gras is, so it probably isn't a good idea to give her something even harder sounding to do.
8:33 - Fran burns scallop. These guys make it seem so fucking easy to burn food, or cook it raw. It really can't be that hard.
8:34 - Meanwhile, over at the red, everyone is in one big clusterfuck. This could be a Ravens-Patriots type beatdown. Of course, FOX won't let that happen, but just know, it really was that one-sided.
8:36 - Jason screws up the lamb, and of course, everyone gets on his case. Jason is about to self-destruct. Thankfully for Jay, so is everyone in the red kitchen.
8:38 - Drew Barrymore? Average. Justin Long? Past his prime. JIM GAFFIGAN. HOLY FUCK, JIM GAFFIGAN IS DOING A MOOOOOOOOVIE!!!!!!!! (However, they won't let him talk about hot pockets, and seeing from his one word role in the preview, I'm pretty sure he's not good enough to make this movie any good.
8:40 - Jason finally cooks good lamb. It even gets a "so tender" from a very metro-looking customer. What is funny is even after Jason's shitting on lamb, the red kitchen is barely started with their entrees.
8:42 - Jay is smart enough to not yell at Jason, who is a talented cook when he's not being spat at. Jay is really a good chef, and a great leader. If he doesn't win, he should immediately sue Ramsay for sexism.
8:44 - Black on black crime between the true beauty of the season (Autumn - who's slightly bitchy) and Nilka (who's slightly crazy). It ends with gunshots. I mean, it doesn't, but it really should have, just to bring their racism theme full-circle.
8:46 - Finally, an ad for Ramsay's show "Master Chef." Really, Ramsay should be just elected President. He's been able to effectively launch four different cooking-based shows in the US. Sure, "Gordon Ramsay's Cook-a-long Live" is no longer on the air, but that show had Alyson Hannigan and LeAnne Rimes as guest-cooks, which makes that show a perfect 10 for me.
8:48 - FOX shows an ad for a new screwy-family comedy "Raising Hope." Considering it is on FOX, there are only two possibilities. One: Either the show will be great, and thus cancelled in two years (Arrested Development), or piss-awful but stay on the air (American Dad).
8:50 - Somehow, both have just three tickets left. Not sure how this happened, but it seems a little shady. At least to the viewer eye, Jay's team did so much better. They even finished first. Holly's son greets her, accompianed by her "friend" who is also the son's dad. Never really was explained how that all worked out.
8:51 - Another never explained fact: Why do all the chefs smoke? They always light up a cig in the apartment upstairs. Jay and Holly are getting drunk. They could finally close the deal. Of course, FOX won't show us the consummation of their relationship. They can show us "The Great Food Truck Race" but not a little sex?
8:53 - Chef Ramsay is in the office with both of them. They stand in front of their doors. One door will open, and that chef is the winner. Again, it better be Jay. He's the best. The best chef one last year, and should win this year.
8:54 - Predictibly, there is an ad break right before the door is opened. Again, they really should switch it up once, and fuck over all the people who have cracked their ad break code. It will be fun for millions of people who fast-forward through that moment have a "What the shit" look and rewind frantically.
8:57 - And were back. The chef who's door opened is................
8:57 - Holly. This is BULL. She is far from the best chef. She is far from the best looking girl in the history of the show. She is far from the best leader. Whatever. Shit happens. She has to be the least talented winner in the history of the show, definitely worse than past winners Heather and Danny Veltri. Ramsay gives some bullshit reasons to why she is the winner.
8:59 - Till next year.
