Arizona Cardinals – Edie Britt
The Cardinals, just like Edie, have a ton of positives. Both are flexible, both are led by youthful talent, and both continued to show a smart and stable plan. The only problem, the most important part is not there. For Edie, it was her conscience. She was a vindictive, crazy, bitch. For Arizona, it is that quarterback, Mr. Matthew Leinart, who like Edie, seems to like a party or two.Atlanta Falcons – Mike Delfino
Sweet, homely, they’re the Man’s man. Even their names: Mike Smith, Matt Ryan, Tony Gonzalez, they are the plain, reliable team. However, just like Mike, they have some mystery to them. They can explode on the NFL, just like Mike did on Paul Young late in Season 1. Just like Mike, the Falcons can be scary good, but mostly, they are just sweet kids.Baltimore Ravens – Carlos Solis
Like Carlos, the Ravens are rich, the Ravens so with talent. They have the talent and the business-like attitude. They both have a cool, confident swagger. They both have a manly, physical attractiveness (not to sound gay, not that there’s anything wrong with that). However, they both lose their cool under pressure. Carlos literally just loses it, while the Ravens get flag-happy, turn the ball over and do all the other things that keep teams away from the Super Bowl.Buffalo Bills – Zach Young
They’re both sad, crazy kids. The Bills are now a mess, just like Zach after he lost his mother to suicide. They both are searching for an identity, as the Bills are waffling between Buffalo and Toronto, and Zach between the idea of being raised by Paul but being Mike’s son. Although they are so messed up, you cannot help but root for the success of either.Carolina Panthers – Penny Scavo
Sweet and innocent. There is no other way to describe Penny, someone who was legitimately upset that her mother was having another kid because she loved being the cute, youngest kid. The Panthers have a cute draw to them. In a passing league, they run the ball. They have a short, speedy receiver who catches everything. They have a no-name QB who anyone can root for.Chicago Bears – Karl Mayer
With Mike Martz and Julius Peppers in the fold, they have the cockiness and hilarity that Karl Mayer espouses. Also, looking at the Karl character before the affair with Bree, he really was deep down a good guy, an underrated character, who wanted to get back what he foolishly gave away. Same with the Bears, who after all the platitudes are handed out, are a good football team, one capable of the playoffs.Cincinnati Bengals – Rex Van De Kamp
Tight-lipped defensive team for the most part, the Bengals mirror Rex’s outward image, especially his dourness paralleled with Marvin Lewis, but they both have that wildness in them that makes them so interesting. For Rex, it was his affinity to being dominated, and for the Bengals, it is obviously Messers Owens and Ochocinco. Treasure the Bengals, because before you know it they might turn out like Rex, flamed out too soon.Cleveland Browns – The Bolen Family
Just like the Bolen family, there seems to be a lot of infighting within the Browns. Eric Mangini and Mike Holmgren seem a mix made for TV, while their counterparts Angie and Nick seemed to be totally incompatible. The players, the analogue for Danny Bolen, seem to hate Mangini, but secretly, much like Danny, they love their leader, and would do anything for him.Dallas Cowboys – Victor Lang
Clean-cut, cool and prepared, the Cowboys emulate the old Mayor of Fairview in many ways. Sadly, one of those ways is that secretly all the strings are being pulled by their superior, and that superior can make everything crash and burn. For Victor, it was his scheming father who was behind it all, and for the Cowboys, it is Jerry Jones, whose maniacal obsession with sticking his nose everywhere may doom them.Denver Broncos – Kayla Huntington
Started out great in the McDaniels’ era. Josh came in there, and much like Kayla entering the Scavo family, and turned heads. His 6-0 start made everyone forget the peculiar things that happened early in his tenure (like trading the QB, for instance). Of course, the truth cam out, and McDaniels’ team fell off, and like Kayle it turned snippy and devious.Detroit Lions – Juanita Solis
Juanita started out as ugly, fat, and honestly, a bit underloved, but as Gaby grew to love Juanita, seeing that she had rare talents, so to do we with those Lions. Like Juanita in her first season, the Lions went 0-16, and set a record for being despised. A lot of that seems in the past. Juanita matured, and the Lions found a coach who cares and a QB. Happy times are ahead for both.Green Bay Packers – Susan Mayer
Just like Susan, who is supposedly the main character, the Packers seem to good. Like Susan, they are attractive, beautiful and sweet (at throwing). They have the mental fortitude to succeed, but there is a klutzy element. The Pack’s o-line cannot protect Rodgers, while Susan’s mind cannot protect herself.Houston Texans – Andrew Van De Kamp
Like Andrew, everyone thinks this is the Texans year. Certainly, Andrew is no longer an idiot youth, while the Texans are no longer a bad team, but neither can finish their transformation completely. A lot of fans have given up on both ever reaching more than mediocre, but they both have the chance and should not be counted out too soon.Indianapolis Colts – Lynnette Scavo
Hardworking, beautiful (passing), smart, strong, both are the perfect embodiment of what a team (or strong woman) should be. However, their abilities can get them into problems. Lynnette’s strong will creates occasional problems in her marriage, while the Colts defensive system creates problems with injuries. Yet, at the end of the day, they both are the best in their respective arenas.Jacksonville Jaguars – George Williams
Both are crazy, with the Jaguars led by a patently insane man in Jack Del Rio. Both toe the line between pitiable and just sad. Not only do you try to feel bad for them, you want to feel bad for them. You think you want to see them succeed, but really, they are beyond reproach. They have (in George’s case literally) killed themselves in their attempt to gain respectability, and that attempt failed.Kansas City Chiefs – John Rowland
He seems nice and sexy from the outside, as do the Chiefs with Chaarles and the newbie Dexter McCluster, but in reality, Rowland is nothing but a fake, confused pretty face. The Chiefs have these convoluted ideas, like bringing Charlie Weis and Romeo Crennell along will somehow make Matt Cassel good, just like Rowland somehow thought his affair with Gaby was more than what it was.Miami Dolphins – Katherine Mayfair
With Parcells, Sparano and now Mr. Marshall in the fold, they seem a little too perfect off a woman-next-door team. They have all the arrogance to go with the practice. Like Mayfair, they have a very intriguing prospect that behind the perfect veneer is a young, innocent team. Mayfair was a troubled woman, just like Marshall, but given a second chance, they both can make good.Minnesota Vikings – Danielle Van De Kamp
Danielle Van De Kamp started out well, and like the Vikings, a young team without a quarterback, at the start she showed promise but had to mature. However, with the addition of Brett Favre, like the sad demise of her father, the Vikings and Danielle turned into a dynamo. She became the craziest character, just like Favre’s Vikings, with crazy storylines, a sadist coach and a dominant wall of a defensive line.New England Patriots – Orson Hodge
Started out so perfect, but like most things, the Pats and Orson both hid some serious sins (No, I am NOT talking about Spygate). Orson’s beautiful smile and polite demeanor, much like the Patriots and their passing game, was able to overshadow many, many holes. Orson was a scheming man, running over Mike, while the Patriots had holes all over their defense, being run over by the Ravens.New Orleans Saints – Gabrielle Solis
Beautiful and sexy, that is all that needs to be said. Both focus on big things, as the Saints get big plays on offense and defense, and Gaby likes to purchase big price-tag items. Both rely on their strengths for mostly everything, with Gaby her looks and the Saints their offense. Both are a little more diverse than given credit for, as Gaby is a much more stable loving woman than seen, and the Saints with a much better running game than given credit for.New York Giants – Bree Van De Kamp
The Giants started out with a Bree Van De Kamp efficiency last season, but much like Bree in her personal life, they fell apart. For the Giants, it was a lack of coverage; for Bree, it was her lack of understanding. Now, they seem a bit lost. Actually, Bree is lost, losing her husband again, but you know that both will find their way, recover, and lord over the league with a classy, efficiency again.New York Jets – Maisy Gibbons
Both were solid performers, but like Maisy Gibbons, the Jets seem too perfect. Maisy was also a cocky bitch, which makes her much like the Jets, with their mouths cashing checks that no one can cash. Of course, Maisy’s image blew up completely when she was outed as a dominatrix. Of course, there probably is no NFL equivalent for that, but there is a high percentage of a blow-up.Oakland Raiders – Caleb Applewhite
Counted out from the beginning, Caleb, as with the Raiders, was thought to be a maniacal, retarded murderer (for the Raiders, murderers of careers). Both lived in a black (basement) hole, locked up. Of course, Caleb ended up being innocent, and truly a good person, but no one would give him the time of day, much like the Raiders, who are finally competent but no one will take them seriously.Philadelphia Eagles – Porter Scavo
Solid kid and team, one huge mistake may ruin each one of their lives. For Porter, it was his decision to marry a gold-digging Russian girl. For the Eagles, it was to marry their chances to a unexperienced quarterback. Porter Scavo was finally shown the error of his ways, but he broke down because of it. The same thing could easily happen to the Eagles, especially this year.Pittsburgh Steelers – Tom Scavo
Solid, all-american man paired with the all-american team. Of course, both have suffered their indiscretions, like Tom bringing his love-child into the fray, and the Steelers’ Roethlisberger bringing his love-stick into the fray. However, both are home-town guys, blue-collar guys, and while make some mistakes, stick to their image and roots.San Diego Chargers – Paul Young
They seem solid on the outside, but there is something dark about each. For Paul, it was his past, as he changed his name, assisted a murder, strangled another woman and went to jail. For the Chargers, it is them choking away playoff games and having a long trail of contract squabbles and being lorded over by a dark GM who is ready to murder any contract or tie to a player. Paul has seemingly turned his life around, so hopefully the Chargers can join him.San Francisco 49ers – Karen McClusky
The old reliable. The 49ers are the McClusky of the NFL because they seem to live in an old age. They love to run the ball. Their coach is a hard-ass who threw his best player out of a game. However, much like McCluskey’s ability to provide caring and wisdom to the residents of the lane, there is something idyllic about the old-school approach the 49ers take to running their team.Seattle Seahawks – Bob and Lee
No, it is not because Seattle or the Hawks are gay, but because they are probably the funniest bunch in the league, whether intentional or not. Watching Pete Carroll say that he did not run away from USC due to their impending sanctions is high, high comedy. Matt Hasselbeck is always funny. Bob and Lee are really only there for their humor in their character, much like the Seahawks.St. Louis Rams – Sophie Bremmer
Well past her prime, Bremmer (Susan’s young mom) is trying to recapture her glory years, but is doing so by attaching herself to and old guy, much like the Rams are desperate to recapture their glory years, but have finally accepted doing so by attaching themselves to and old pillar: a young, franchise, QB. Hopefully, Bradford can do for the Rams what Morty did for Sophie.Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Alma Hodge
Like Bremmer and the Rams, the Bucs are trying to recapture their glory. Unlike them, the Bucs and Hodge aren’t trying anything new, but are desperate to do exactly what they did before. The Bucs are trying to build a dominant defense again, just like last time. Alma did the same thing, trying to recapture her lover Orson the same way she tried to lure him last time, by having a baby. Didn’t work for Alma, we’ll see about the Bucs. The new Bucs do have the mediocre QB part of the formula right.Tennessee Titans – Julie Mayer
Julie started out as the princess of the show. She matured from cute to pretty to beautiful, much like the Fisher era. It started cute, with three straight 8-8 seasons, to beautiful (13-3, 13-3, 11-5, 12-4 from 1999-2003). However, when Julie moved back on the lane in Season 6, she was a new woman, with the shine of the perfect teen gone. She was a lover of a married man, and a strangler victim. Fisher’s teams aren’t shiny and new anymore, and the era might finally be over.Washington Redskins – Betty Applewhite
Betty Applewhite was devious, as she used her fake calm persona to deceive the members of the lane that she was housing a criminal. Of course, the criminal ended up being her son that she cherished, instead of the one she locked in her doghouse. Shanahan is the same, cherishing McNabb, who might be the next criminal (in terms that his performance will steal money from fans), while the person in his doghouse (rymes with “Shmanesworth”), is a true star to be cherished, but his devious plan will stop that.There it is, the whole league, cast as the characters from America's favorite show about women housewives. By the way, I guess it goes to figure that Lynnette is my favorite (plus the one who if I had a choice I would marry). That's not the only reason the Colts are her, though, just most of the reason.
