The Greatest Moment in Nick History.

Here it is, arguably the best one-liner in comedy television history, from the greatest kids show of all-time, the show that led Nickelodeon to its highest days, and was passed over in the moves that led to Nickelodeon's terrible downfall. I give you Patrick and Squiddy.

Read on for the breakdown of Nickelodeon's downfall, the Saddest Trend of the 2000s.

Sad Trend of the 2000s

The Death of Nickelodeon

It all started with that gay sponge and his starfish lover. It all ended with a idiot kid and his fairy godparents. Nickelodeon had finished its transformation, it had become a real kids network, one that espoused silliness, pre-adolescent interests, sports and cool strange animals. Gone were the days of 'Pete and Pete'. Gone were the days of 'Clarissa Explains it All'. Gone was 'Harriet the Spy' and 'Salute Your Shorts'. 'Figure it Out', 'Double Dare', 'Legends of the Hidden Temple' relegated to Nikcelodeon Gas. "All That" served as the last vestiges of a bygone era, where Nickelodeon spanned a gray area between kids and teens. The century was turning, and Nickelodeon turned with it. It had its power-lineup, a '27 Yankees batting order of 'CatDog', 'Rocket Power', "Hey Arnold', 'Fairly OddParents' and the Babe Ruthian 'Spongebob'. Among the all-stars, lesser known role players and veterans like 'Rocko's Modern Life', 'According to Ginger' and 'Ahhhh, Real Monsters' came up and down, like September call-ups filling the roster, stealing bases and entertaining audience looking for more edge, more sex and more gross-ness. Nickelodeon was on top, and they even catered to the highest level of childhood delights, dumping goo on unsuspecting and absolutely suspecting, if not awaiting, people, with Slime Time Live. Sure, the remnants of Doug Funnie, Finster and the 'Are You Scared of the Dark' gang was gone, but a new, funnier, fresher generation was here. It was here to stay. Cartoon Network was dead, killed by the combination of worse programming and a lack of a flamboyant Sponge, a football-shaped teen and a pair of beavers.

As the decade turned over to the teens, Nickelodeon is battered, a shell of its former slimy self. The Nickelodeon Studios at Universal Studios has seen visotors drop by 35% since 2002, the height of Nick's powers, while general attendance to the Universal Studios has been increased by 27% in that same timeframe. 'Wild Thornberry's', gone and replaced by 'Danny Phantom.' 'Invader Zim' gone, replaced by 'My Life as a Teenage Robot'. 'Hey Arnold' gone, replaced by 'Jimmy Neutron' which in turn is gone, replaced by some cataclysm of suck 'Mr. Meaty'. What happened? Why had the network that stood out, the network that won the race to draw in kids, done to itself? How could a network that once put out stuff that obviously made the kid viewers dumber but still enthrall them to the point that their shows were getting ratings primetime cable shows weren't getting fall out?

It is a sad feeling to get. Looking at a list of all the Nicktoon shows that were once so prominently a part of the daily life of millions, smart, edgy funny shows, just gone, with the waste lying in a dump. There was something beautiful about 'Spongebob' (easily the most reprehensible show on the network in its Glory Years, so reprehensible I would never allow my kids to watch it), there was something majestic about Mr. Krabs. Everyone wanted a Krabby Patty, I'm pretty sure no one wants "Chum" eaten on the I can only assume captivating show "Fanboy and Chum Chum". Maybe I am wrong, maybe kids are watching, however, there will never be another time where a kids network is as important, as meaningful. This was past the era of scripted live-action shows, the ones that got the name Amanda Bynes into the lexicon, the ones that remain Nick Cannon's only work of consequence. There was nothing better, nothing more relatable than Hey Arnold! (still the most truly meaningful and legitimate nicktoon post-Doug). It was the story of a boy, his secret love, his secret lover, his black fried, and every single ethnicity and background mixing in that melting pot of Sunset Arms. Who can forget Pheobe and Rhonda, Gerald and Stinky, Harold and Sid, Mr. Kokoshka and Dino Spimoni, the uber-cool Iggy and of course the bastardized brilliance of the unibrowed Helga Pataki. They were relatable, they were real. They were just animated people. It all changed, though, with The Fairly Oddparents, the last true great Nicktoon, and it did for one single reason: Nickelodeon thought kids wanted crazy.

Up until the Fairly Oddparents, everything about Nickelodeon was real, was human. Sure, they had shows where Baby's talked and Cats were siamese-ly conjoined to Dogs, and Beavers lived in woods with the ability to sing. Sure, there was a whole society of bipedal sea creatures, headed by a squirrel that lived in a reverse fishbowl. However, all of these shows were essentially based on humans. All of these shows, whether featuring human man or cold-blooded creature, created an infrastructural system, a seperate environment eerily similar to the human world. Spongebob worked an everyman's job, had a difficult boss, had a depressed terrorist (Plankton) in his neighborhood, and fell in love (whether that token of effection was Sandy or that bastion of hilarity Patrick is debatable). CatDog, too had a house, had jobs and lives. In Angry Beavers (probably the two most underrated characters in Nickelodeon history, just becuase they combined the most alpha-dog mentality into what can only described as a homosexual relationship setting), those two shared "marital" strife. In rugrats, there was an alternate reality created, sure, but that reality emulated much of the real world, with real-life problems. There were no special powers granted, no special storylines that exhibited some character far away from modern-life. Everything represented some aspect of human life. Sure, animals were fighting in 'the Wild Thornberry's' but the fight always centered around some all-too-human problem.

Again, that all changed with one Timmy and his Special Godparents.
Timmy was ordinary, as was his living situation, but aided by the fact that his 'parents' were 'Fairies" that could grant wishes, making it a wholly moronic premise altogether, made the reality of the situation dissapear. This wasn't a kid, he wasn't facing normal kid problems. There were episodes that centered around saving Christmas and Cupid. No kid cared about those things. Those things aren't real. What was real was helping a depressed Plankton have F-U-N. Fairly Oddparents budded into 'Chalkzone' and 'Jimmy Neutron' all shows that centered around 21st Century premises, magic and technology, whether it be a kid with magical chalk or one with an Einstein-ian brain. What kid cared about the daliances of a boy genius with an IQ that exceeded most adults? What kid cared about some subversive chalk-world? The game was over, evolution had taken its toll. Down-to-earth relatable storylines, in Nickelodeon's mind, died off with the 1900s. They evidently and certainly wrongly ascertained that kids needed to be stimulated with what is magic: Teen-robots, kids that were phantoms (I assume that is what "Danny Phantom" does in his time). They assumed that kids needed to watch kids save the world. What they forgot was that kids don't care about the world. Kids only wanted to watch kids save themselves. Gone was the humor, however silly and irreverent it may be. Thrust into the spotlight was problems and built-up heroes to solve it.

Nickelodeon vastly underrated the ability of a kid to comprehend that the world was not an inherently magical place, that there were problems that needed to be solved, and couldn't be solved with the help of robotic children or genius-pubescents. Even in the strangest of nicktoon premises, 'Ahhh, Real Monsters', a show that did end before the Glory Days, there was a government set up in the monster world. It really is brilliant to see how those old Nickelodeon shows did, in each their own way, connect to the real world. Again, nothing stressed this point more than Hey Arnold, where Arnold was the real magician, waving sense and compassion, instead of a wand, fixing problems like the mid-life crisis of a hilariously spoofed Sinatra, in Dino Spimoni, instead of building a force-field to protect the earth from a meteor (something that even real geniuses can't do). Nickelodeon was underratedly funny (the duo of Patrick and Squidwerd rank right below George and Kramer for me), but even more underratedly meaningful. The world's problems certainly have changed, but the best Nickelodeon could do was to allow kids a glance into the Iraq War by showing the Fairly Godparents trying to beat a Saddam-Schwarzennegar lovechild in Jorgen Von Strangle and his nazi-esque pixies (these are all legitimate comparisons written by critics of the show, not cultivated figments of my mind) by leading an army of fairies. The world still has problems lide environmental disregard and stealing, problems that were addressed in more real, more truthful ways in shows that still managed to be far funnier.

Nickelodeon will probably never rise to the levels it once was, unless the entire cycle starts over, and the neo-'Adventures of Pete and Pete' come about (which I'm fine with - I would dig a neo-Michelle Trachtenberg) followed by the neo-Rugrats and neo-Doug (Again, I would dig some neo-Patty Mayonnaisse). However, Nickelodeon seems to far gone, as once you release a program called Mr. Meaty, all bets are off. Nickelodeon will never have the cultish sublimity of the early nineties (remember Wild and Crazy Kids), but will also never have the singular popularity and importance of the period from 1998-2002. Nickelodeon was an integral part of each child's upbringing, and did more, in an insanely humorous and subtle way, to instill values and the ability to solve actual ethereal problems than it will ever be given credit for. I hope to God that Nickelodeon is no longer an important part of every child's upbringing. Just as Blues Clues killed Nick Jr by teaching every kid that there were magic pails and that a band of jolly kids would point out the answers to lifes problems, the new Nickelodeon killed itself by teaching kids that there are children out there that can build airplanes and get all of their wishes granted. Danny Phantom is not waling through that door when a problem arises in a kids life. Sadly, neither is that gay Sponge, his cyncical squid neighbor and his idiot starfish friend. Somehow, we need those three people more than ever.

Story of the Year: 2000

A Great Show

If you could pick the most common pair of first and last names in America, high atop the list, probably only beaten by John Smith, is Mike Jones. Mike Jones is an everyman. Mike Jones is omnipresent, that person embodying America. Mike Jones shies away from the limelight, putting his hard-hat on every day, never admiring the stars nor shooting for them. Mike Jones is in every community, picking up his lunchpail eating a hamburger. Mike Jones is the person responsible for the best finish in the best game in the biggest sporting event in America's history. Mike Jones is the guy who made The Tackle.

When Trent Green was writhing in pain on the Trans World Dome Turf, there was no darker gotham in the country than the Gateway to the West. Green was the future, the messiah. He was the man that, along with Marshall Faulk, would lead the Rams to glory, the handsome QB that could throw daggers all over the field to his fast, fleet flankers messers Bruce and Holt. On that day, Rams President John Shaw called owner Georgia Frontiere and unearthed a depressing, vulgar tirade about the decrepid luck of his club. A few hundred miles away, Jeff Fisher wondered, "is this the year?". That was a question worth answering of Fisher. Fisher was known as a talented and smart coach, but one that was in an run of mediocrity unmatched. Under his direction, the Oilers had gone 8-8 in three straight seasons, playing in three different home stadiums (the Astrodome, The Liberty Bowl and Vanderbilt Stadium). Fisher was confident, as he was dealt a team with good character players and been branded a new home (Adelphia Coliseum) and a new name, the "Titans". There was uncertain pessimism in Nashville, and despair in St. Louis, both ridiculously misguided. Little did Jeff Fisher, or Georgia Frontiere know, those two teams would put on the Greatest Show the Super Bowl had, and has, ever seen.

If one man new the power of Kurt Warner (other than Warner, and God for that matter, as Kurt would say) it was Dick Vermeil. The oft-crying coach, in a agitated sob that only he could rightfully pull off, lowered his voiced, focused his eyes and let out a decree. "We will rally behind Kurt Warner" he decreed, "and we will play good football." From Vermeil's ears to Kurt Warner's arm to Keith Lyle and Kevin Carter's bodies, it was true. The Rams were great, pacing the NFC with 13 wins, scoring 526 points and allowing just 242. The were the Greatest Show on Turf, with Mike Martz as the oafish ringleader, choreographing an aeriel show unrivaled in the legaue. Kurt Warner played like how the greatest Rams optimist envisioned the now-fallen and forgotten Green leading the team. The Rams were the best.

As for those Titans, they weren't. They scratched and clawed their way through the season, with a mental resolve that mirrored their gruff coach and stoic quarterback, a man named McNair. With Eddie George pounding, McNair passing, and a defense led by a freak, they copped 13 wins, but lost out to Jacksonville albeit beating them twice. Their storied year never reach the status, or exposure, of the Rams. The Titans just battled quietly in their new stadium, isolated from the league in small-town Tennessee. However, like the 'Titans' of Rome, they ran through the leagues, rolling into the enemies most daunting, that of 13-3 Indianapolis and 14-2 Jacksonville, and beat them up, in every way possible. They won with brute force, the Rams with brilliant flames.

That label, however, suffered a major hemmhorage in the NFC Title Game, when the big, bad Bucs came to the Gateway, with a defense that would be in the middle of the Greatest run of Defense since the Steel Curtain. The Bucs came into the game and fought and clawed their way, playing the perfect Tampa-2, a system named for their team, built to beat the other one. The Rams sat leery-eyed, finally realizing that Kurt Warner was still an MVP.... of an Arena League team. Kurt Warner was still a rookie, was still young and imperfect. Trudging down the field, facing a 3rd down and a 6-5 defecit, Kurt heaved a prayer, one that nestled over the outsretched arm of Brian Kelly, and settling in the hands of Ricky Proehl. Kurt Warner threw 41 tds (becoming the first person not named Marino to cross 40), yet Proehl did not catch a single one. He was option 5, if not 6, bested by Isaac Bruce, Torry Hold, Marshall Faulk and Az-Zahir Hakim. He was the forgotten man, slipping behind the Tampa-2, sliding into history. It was finally. The Rams. The Titans. Brash. Braun. Stunning Theatrics against Strong Tactics. It was cinderella, with both teams jockeying for the title. Clock would strike 12, but not before one hell of a ball.



The fact that the Rams and Titans were playing in the Super Bowl was scary enough, and coupled with the fact that Atlanta had an icestorm on Super Bowl Saturday, it was just set up for brilliance. If there was a way to draw up the way the game would be great, it would have the Rams playing to their full offensive potential, flying up and down the field, with the resourceful Titans blitzing and battling their way to forcing Rams field goals. It would have Eddie George and Stebe McNair proudly and passionately putting it all on the line, dropping blood, sweat and tears, if not other bodily fluids, onto the Georgia Dome turf, clawing that team back into the game. The fact that each and every one of these things happened was surprising. It was the Super Bowl, after all, the game that had featured a score of 55-10 just ten years ago, and 49-26 five. Now the Super Bowl is annually a close, competitive game, and it all started on that icy Sunday in Atlanta.

The Rams were the Rams, Warner was Warner, Faulk was Faulk and the Greatest Show was the Greatest Show. Kurt Warner threw for 277 yards in the first half, a total that topped 57 of the 66 Super Bowl QBs performances... for the entire game. Faulk had a long catch, Bruce had multiple. Torry Holt seemed to be running with rockets attached to his feet. Even Fred Miller, a paunchy 330 lb lineman got into the act. Yet, there was trouble. The Titans aggresive blitz scheme (led by the mad-man that is Gregg Williams, late of Saints fame, the perfect foil to the mercurial Martz) pounded Warner, and the Titans embodied Roman Warriors keeping the city of fortune, the end zone safe, forcing five field goals, one missed and one snap bobbled and just 9 points. It was a half that entertained, as the Rams played offense between the 20s better than ever before, and also embarrased, with four unsuccesful field goal attempts between the two teams. They entered the locker room, the Rams dominating on the stat-sheet, but relatively scraping the scoreboard 9-0.

The Rams continued with their routine, jetting down the field and then getting stopped twice inside the 10-yard line. The second stop was a short pass, which led to the Titans defensive enforcer Blaine Bishop hitting his head and lying motionless on the ground. After the game stalled, the Rams finally did not, with Warner hitting Holt, giving the Rams a 16-0 lead. The game was over. No team had ever come back from by more than 10. The Titans were down 16, and had failed to put up a point.

Titans: 173 yards.
Rams: 1 yard.

Titans: 16 points
Rams: 0 points.

Titans: 18:53.
Rams: 1:42.

Those are the stats of pure domination. Those are the stats of one team, led by two supreme athletes and even more supreme competitors, using sheer will to drain every last bit of energy away from their opponents. After Jeff Fisher's memorable "They're celebrating. They're celebrating. Go Win the GAME!!!! GO WIN THE GAME!!!!!!!" speech, the Titans did just that, personified by Eddie George's amazing one yard touchdown run, where he carries himself and some fat, tired Ram behemoth into the endzone. The game was now in the balance. In a quarter and a half, the game was reversed on its axis. Hell had indeed frozen over. It would soon be thawed.

With his team having done nothing offensively, and less than that defensively, Warner got the opportunity to do what every child dreamt of, the chance at being the hero in the Super Bowl, something that would seemed so very far away four years earlier when he was the hero, of the famed Arena Bowl. Sadly, he did not get that opportunity, as he scored too fast. One play. One pass, with one catch and run on the back-end, and all that work the Titans put in was gone. The identity of the Rams was their ability to score quick, and it was that self-same identity, the single thing that mysticized opponents, that allowed the Rams to erase 20 minutes of futility. Warner, holding strong under intense pressure from Jevon Kearse (a man has never done more to earn his nickname than Kearse's "The Freak"), unloaded a lofty hanging ball, that Bruce deftly adjusted to, caught and bobbed and weaved his way to the end zone. Suddenly, just 15 seconds after all was lost, it was Rams 23 Titans 16. Setting up the most memorable final drive in Super Bowl history.


Steve McNair got the same opportunity that Warner got, although he had to start from his own 12 yard line, 88 yards away from Glory, a trip to Disney World, and a huge diamond studded ring. 88 yards away from history, magic and triumph. He got 87. It was a slow drive, but one that was played out perfectly, the steady Titans, never gaining more than 14 yards on any play, overpowering and out-willing the Rams tired defense. McNair, who twice ran for 16 yards and drew another 15 on a penalty, standing back, a tree-trunk of a man in strength, and a heart and will the size of a California Redwood, guided that team down to the Rams 26. Facing a 3rd and 5, with 18 seconds to go, it was almost over. After the snap, the Rams defense finally siphoned enough energy to get at McNair, forcing him out, being chased by two men largers, stronger and faster than McNair. Yet, they were not tougher. McNair, bouyed by his hand pivoting the turf, stayed balanced and calm against the highest of choas, steadied himself and fired one last desperate pass, one that lasered into the breast of Kevin Dyson. 7 seconds left, one last play, one last chance. That trip to Disney world once stood 88 yards away, now only 10.

This was it, the play that would forever be known as the tackle. The day all the no-man's Mike Jones' of the world rejoiced. The Rams defensive no-name leader Mike Jones, steady but not spectacular all day, stood ready to face one last play. He had no idea it would be his desire, solely, that would bring home a trophy for St. Louis. Kevin Dyson ran the perfect route, on the perfect play, one that allowed him to matched up with the slower Jones, three yards away from the end zone. Jones leaped out, hands around Dyson's legs, bringing him down awkwardly on top of himself. When it was done, a swift yet eternally long moment in time, the Greatest Super Bowl of All-Time ended with the Titans one yard short. There was no need for any more, as pure exhaustion sunk into the Rams, and desperate darkness into the Titans. The teams, the flashy Rams that showed more heart than known, and the sturdy Titans that showed just how far their fight could reach, fought for 60 minutes, piling up points and yards. Yet, it had the ending for any fan and purist. Football, as it was once written by Paul "Bear" Bryant, "is a game of tackling. Period". There was no better way for the Super Bowl to end then by a single tackle, a perfect tackle, a perfect ending.

"He was a warrior. He was a sweet man. I have never met a man that could combine those two things in a more perfect way that Steve McNair. May he never be forgotten. May he always be remembered for what he did for his team, and his community. Steve, we love you." - Jeff Fisher

RIP. Steve McNair. You didn't lose, you ran out of time.

Top-5 NFL Teams of the 2000's: #5 - 2006 Indianapolis Colts

Let's start with a happy memory for me, the 2006 Indianapolis Colts, the 5th best team of the 2000s.

Record: 16-4, 1st AFC South, 3rd Seed AFCCoach: Tony Dungy

Points Scored-Allowed: 427-360.

Playoffs

WC: vs KC, 23-8

DIV: @ BAL, 15-6

CON: vs NE, 38-34

SB XLI: vs CHI, 29-17

They were not the best Colts team in the last seven years, in fact, I would argue going into the playoffs, they were the second-worst Colts team since 2003 (only ahead of that injury-marred 2008 unit). However, they were the perfect one come playoff time. They won every way possible, with two ultra-controlling wins over Kansas City and Chicago, and then with a defensive smash-mouth game against the league's best defense in their raucous house, and then in a shootout for all time against the Pats. They answered every challenge. Peyton can't win the big one? Please. Dungy can't win the big one? Please. You have to stop the run to win the Super Bowl? Hell no. The Colts are finesse? Definitely Not. The Colts can be Super? Yes, yes they can.

It all started in Week 8, in a great come-from behind win against Denver. The Colts won 34-31, putting up 28 second half points against a Denver team that in its five previous games gave up three touchdowns. The Colts eviscerated Denver's alleged "D", and Denver has never truly recovered (including that game, they are 28-33 since). However, Denver ran all over the Colts. This started a trend, one that would last all-season long, as Bob Sanders shuttled in and out of the lineup. The Colts played 16 games, and in every single last one, their opponent ran for at least 100 yards. The Colts gave up a league-worst 176.2 rushing yards per game, and an even more ghastly 5.3 yards per carry, a number among the worst in the history of the league. This covered up a great pass-defense, one that allowed the second fewest yards in the league. Even their conventional defensive stats were respectable, but a run game that in a 44-17 loss to Jacksonville allowed 375 yards rushing, got all the headlines.

So, why is this team the 5th best of the decade, because in all three other phases of the game, they were excellent. Thier running game was more than servicable, with Joseph Addai pacing all rookies in rushing yards, and Dominic Rhodes providing solid support. That duo outplayed together anything Edgerrin James, who left the previous offseason, would have ever put up. However, as it always is, it is all about Manning, who had arguably his best season. With a defense that gave him a league-low 8.4 possessions per game, and gave up 360 points, he was unbelievable in the Colts second straight 9-0 start. Manning had his third straight season with a passer rating above 100 (an NFL record), with 4397 yards, 31 tds and 9 ints, which is more amazing since Manning was forced to practically score on every possession, considering the importance of each paltry one. Manning spent minute after minute stewing on the bench, and in interludes spen second after second chewing opposing defenses. Reggie Wayne and Marvin Harrison (in his final great year) combined for 181 catches, 2678 yards and 21tds in their best season together. Considering their third-receiver options were a combination of Aaron Moorehead and Ricky Proehl come playoff time, it is only more amazing.

What cements this teams legacy as a top-5 team of the 2000s is their playoff run. They entered the playoffs as "the most flawed team in the playoffs", as ex-Colt and Polian-hater Marshall Faulk put it (who picked against the Colts in every game in that run). They were the team that could not stop the run, in an AFC that was filled with two great running teams (San Diego and Kansas City). They were the finnesse pass offense, in an AFC with an all-time defense playing (Baltimore). And they were the team that could not play the Pats, with an AFC that included the Pats. Kansas City was dispatched easily, despite a bad game by Manning. The game was so dominant that the Chiefs were held without a first down until the third quarter, and their vaunted running game was held to 44 yards (the team was outgained 435 to 126). The game was the ultimate mismatch, with the Colts pounding out 188 rushing yards in a totally dominating performance. Now, it was on to Baltimore, the game that really changed the Colts forever.

Baltimore, as much as New England was still a lion, was the team built to "beat" the Colts. They had a running game strong enough to get 100 on the Colts (by that, I mean their running back had legs and their o-line was fat, because 16 out of 17 games, the team filled these prerequisites and ran for 100). Plus, their defense was the league's most physical and best. Kelly Gregg, Trever Pryce, Haloti Ngata, Terrell Suggs, Ray Lewis, Bart Scott, Adalius Thomas, Chris McAlister, Samari Rolle, Ed Reed and Dawan Landry. 10 of those players have been to a pro-bowl. The Colts were stopped for much of the game, putting up 261 yards and 5 field goals, with Manning throwing balls around like he was a loose cannon just chucking rocks. It was sad to see. For the first time, Manning was totally overmatched. However, again, so was the opposing offense. As great as the Ravens played, the Colts played that much better on defense, forcing four turnovers and two field goals, allowing just 244 yards, and less than 100 rushing yards again. In the house that defense built in Baltimore, with a defense that surrendered just 202 points all year long, the Colts outhit, outplayed and out-Ravened the Ravens. The Ravens now knew what the rest of the league would soon understand, the 2006 Colts were not finesse.

I can write an entire essay on this game (don't worry I will), but there was no better non-Super Bowl played probably ever. It had everything. It had a classic Patriots start that led them to a 21-3 lead. It had the fleeting instant where every Colts fan thought "Fuck, really. This is happening again." Then, it had the comeback. They were dominated for 20 minutes, but int the insuing 20 minutes, the Colts would hold the ball for 18 of them, and score 18 points, rack up 232 yards (to the Patriots 7!!!!), and show the world that this was not 2003-04, and Peyton's Place was not Foxboro. Then it just turned into the duel between the best tw QBs. Brady made an incredible off-balance TD throw. Manning answered with pinpoint passing to Dallas Clark. The game also had two different fumbles recovered by the offense in the end zone, Reche Caldwell's deer eyes (special deer-eye picture at the bottom!!!), two huge returns, Manning injuring his thumb and joking to Sorgi to "get ready" (believe me though, no Colts fan thought it was funny). It had the epic Pats collapse with 3 minutes to go, and one first down all but guaranteeing a win. It had Bob Sanders nearly pick-six-ing Brady, and then the drive. Strike to Wayne, strike to Bryan Fletcher (of all people), Strike to Wayne followed by a near fumble. Then, in a fitting conclusion, the finesse Colts running it three straight times down the physical Pats throat for the killshot. It was the greatest game in the greatest rivalry of the decade. It featured the two best teams of the decade, the two best coaches of the decade and the two best QB's of the decade. It had every storyline, and it delivered. It's still hard to believe that the game actually happened, becuase of the sheer size of that comeback, and the team the Colts did it to, but it will live on forever. No Colts fan will ever forget January 21, 2007. Every Patriots fan would like to.

Then came the coronation as Manning as an all-time great. He was great in a Super Bowl against the NFC's best defense, putting up 430 yards of offense in a driving rainstorm. People point to his "pedestrian" stats in the game 27-44 246 yards 1 td 1 int, but that does not tell the story. From the start of the second quarter to the 12:14 mark of the 4th quarter, Manning went 15-20, helping the Colts outscore the Bears 16-3 in that time, with a missed Field Goal by Adam in there. The Colts just wore out the best defense the NFC had to offer, with 191 more yards on the ground. It was ball-control at its very best. Finally, Rex Grossman (who up to the mid-4th had been adequate) self-destrcuted, allowing Manning to eat the clock on his final-drive. The clock struck zero, an already wet Dungy was dunked with Gatorade and ascended into the History Books and locked his place in Canton. The Colts were finally on top of the mountain, having the glory and the honor that goes with it.

What defined that Colts team was efficiency to a degree on offense never matched. If they needed five yards, they got seven. If the needed two feet, Addai got three. If they needed a field goal, they got it. If they needed a touchdown, they got it. Early on, the Colts won game after game by the skin of their teeth, putting together great plays at crucial spots, like the 17-16 win over Buffalo, 14-13 over Tennessee, 31-28 over the Jets and the memorable Denver game. As the year went on, and the run defense worsened, it was all about control. The Colts three times in the playoffs ran 80 plays in a game, which in every playoff game from the 2000 season through the 2005 season, had been done just twice (Oakland in 2002 over the Jets and Seattle in 2005 over Carolina). They were the ultimate ball-control machine. The Colts morphed from a you-can't-stop-our-aerial-show offense into a you-just-can't-stop-us offense, breaking hearts and wills along the way. The game would make history, allowing the first African-American coach the opportunity to hold the Lombardi trophy. After the game, Dungy said "I'm glad to be the first one to do it, but even happier knowing I was far from the first to have the opportunity." The Colts made history, and Manning and Dungy made themselves comfortable atop the NFL olympus. Finally, the tables had turned.

Top 5 NFL-teams of the Last Decade: #10-#6

I'll admit, doing a ten-part breakdown of the top-10 NFL teams of a Decade is ridiculous, considering only teams that won Super Bowls qualify. So, rankings 10 teams 1-10 is stupid. To abet this oversight, I'm doing a top-5, and here is a quick glance at the teams 10-6 that didn't make the final cut.

10.) 2001 New England Patriots (14-5) - Considering they lost the Divisional Game in a Foxboro-blizzard to a team from California (see what I did there), and then got outgained in both of the following playoff games, I'm ready to say that they were a fluke. The next two Patriots teams were legitimately worthy of winning the Super Bolw. The '01 bunch.... not so much.

9.) 2007 New York Giants (14-6) - Fun team, great upset, "road warriors". They are probably going to be the most mythologized team of the decade, if not the most memorable. But they weren't all that good. They barely outscored their opponents for the entire regular season, and won three close games against. Good team, not a great one, and in a list of all-Super Bowl winners, that matters.

8.) 2005 Pittsburgh Steelers (15-5) - Considering the refs won them that Super Bowl, and Ben Roethlisberger's tackle won them the Indy game, and Kimo von Olhoffen cheaply tearing Carson Palmer's knee (and kill Palmer's career) won them the Cincy game, you could make a case that they could have easily lost three of their four playoff games. So, what gives them a spot above those other two? Why, the fact that they were really good in the regular season (10-3 with Roethlisberger starting), and did play well in those playoff games.

7.) 2003 New England Patriots (17-2) - The WORST 17-2 Champion ever. The other teams to reach that hallowed record, the '84 49ers, '85 Bears, '86 Giants, '89 49ers, '91 Redskins, '04 Pats were all so much better. They won two of their postseason games by three (against a 12-4 Titans and 11-5 Panthers team), and the other where they kicked five goals (never a good thing). They also won tons of seriously close regular season games. Not nearly as good as their '04 version.

6.) 2008 Pittsburgh Steelers (15-4) - They would be higher if they didn't almost choke away that Super Bowl, and have one of the easier runs ever (playing two sub-10 win teams in the playoffs, and a sixth seed). They were a great defense, but in a decade with two other all-time defenses, that's not enough. They were essentially a slightly better, slightly less lucky and resourceful version of the team right above them.

AND NOW, THE DECADIUM STARTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Heartbreak

It happened. It happens. It will happen again. I promised myself not to let a Colts loss hurt as much as it used to after they won the Super Bowl just three years earlier. Then, seeing that that was a load of bull, I promised to avoid the NFL (the network, the league, ESPN NFL's stuff) until the draft. I am done talking NFL (except for the Decadium NFL stuff, which will allow me to think back to happier times) until the Summer, when I will do an early power rankings. However, I must write about the game. I must. I hope it will be a cathartic experience.

First, at least it was New Orleans, a team deserving of the label of a Super Bowl Champion, and a city deserving of much, much more. At least the Colts were outplayed in the loss (unlike that bastardization of a loss last year in San Diego in round one). The Saints deserved to win the game, at least more than the Colts. However, when one team outrushes, outpasses the other, where is the loss coming from. The Saints played to win, as shown by that onside kick. While Garrett Hartley was nailing long field goal after long field goal, Matt Stover missed a crucial Field Goal, one that never should have been attempted. The Saints went for it on 4th and Goal. The Colts then conservatively ran the ball when they had all three timeouts and two minutes left in the first half. It was a game that was indeed closer than that 14 point score, yet seemed so far away.

Now, onto the "Clysdale" in the room: the Colts. No one should hammer Manning for this loss. He was probably as good as most Super Bowl winning QBs, and in many ways outplayed his performance in Super Bowl XLI. It was not Manning's fault that Pierre Garcon dropped that 3rd down pass that hit him right in the hands, which would have been a 30 yard gain, inevitably leading to more points to bolster a 10-3 lead in the second quarter. It was not entirely Manning's fault that the interception returned for a TD happened. And before Manning "haters" point to that as another sign of his inability to come up big in a big game, the guy who has come up "bigger" than anybody else in Super Bowl's recently, Kurt Warner, has twiced tossed pick-sixes in Super Bowls, including that game-killer last year.

What Manning has done the last two seasons has been incredible. He may have not had the stats he had from 2003-2006, but he was different. He carried a hurt, wounded team on his back, and willed them to a 28-8 record. Just like the '08 Colts were really a 8-8 or 9-7 team masquerading at 12-4 because of Manning's poise and will, the '09 Colts were really a 10-6 or 11-5 team. They really had no brilliant part of their game, except for Manning. He lost his about-to-explode #2 wideout on the first drive of the season (Anthony Gonzalez, please come back, and come back soon). His running game is now non-existent (yet it did perform well the last two games), and his o-line featured one "starter" pushed in because the real "starter" was terrible (Johnson replacing Ugoh) and 4 other aging guys who cannot run block and whose pass-blocking skills are deteriorating. The Colts defense lost their starting weakside linebacker to IR, and lost one starting corner and Bob Sanders to it as well. They were probably the second most-injured Colts team (after last year's) in this run, and Manning, nearly by himself and the way his confidence effected the rest of the team, led, if not more aptly carried, the Colts to 14 straight wins. They had no business winning some of those games, if not for Manning. Finally, they ran into a team who was amazingly healthy, and just plain as good if not better at every position (Brees is not the player Manning is, but he is easily the second best QB in the NFL).

It will be the longest offseason since 2005. However, I will be able to calm myself during the upcoming seven months before NFL kicks-off again knowing two things:

1.) Gonzo, Marlin, Bob and Tyjuan are all coming back. Honestly, the first three names are all that matter. Gonzo has the best hands on the team (better than Wayne) and would have caught that Garcon drop with his knuckles. Marlin pushes Tim "the 15 yard cushion" onto some other team, and Bob is Bob. The Colts have every ability to be better than they were this year. They are in as good a position as every other NFL team. They will be back.

2.) Instead of asking "Will he ever get it done?" I can ask "Will he get it done again?" a much happier question. This is nowhere near as those lifeless February's from 2004 to 2006, before Manning won a title, where Tom Brady was game managing teams to Super Bowls.

So, why am I still depressed? Something felt wrong about that game. Something in me made me feel like that was the best shot they would get at another ring. My brain tells me they will be back, but my heart is telling my that we are living in a Roethlisberger, Rodgers and Rivers world, and the Brees Brady Manning days are done. I hope to God I am wrong, but all I know is that I will not enjoy my football hiatus.

The Calm Before the Storm

The Super Bowl awaits. The Big Game, the Big One, the Monster in Miami, or whatever else the media has to call it becuase the tyrants of the NFL trademarked the term "The Super Bowl"; that will all go down on Sunday. My team is in it (well, one of my teams, but at this point I want to just disown the Raiders, like they are some drug-addled black sheep prostitute), and my team is the favorite. My team has the single greatest player in the NFL today (undebatable), and possibly the best player in teh history of the NFL (debatable). My team has the better matchups, and my team is the one that has not lost a game all year when they tried to win. However, I am nervous, if not downright depressed. Why? You ask. Why, when everything is set on a silver platter, everything is set for the Colts to stake their claim as a dynasty, for Manning to be able to shove his two rings into the two lobes of people's brains that still say Brady is better, for Jim Caldwell and Bill Polian to be redeemed like nothing else? Why am I upset? Here is why:

It all started with one innocuous play. It started with a rush, when Dwight Freeney came un, pushed (bulled his way, really) through a block and had Mark Sanchez owned. Sanchez threw an incompletion, before falling to the ground, and put his leg right where Freeney was coming down. Now, it was all a fluke, all one man's leg in the wrong place, and one man's ankle in the wrong area. Now, it was a play that could have happened to anyone at anytime, and yet, it was wrong, it was unfair. Freeney is the second most important Colt. Now, there might be a sizable gap between him and Brady, but he is still that good and that important. He is more important than Sanders (remember him), Wayne, Clark or even Jim Caldwell (kidding. Jim, I love you). Freeney is that important. The best way to play the Saints is to play cover-2. The Colts can play cover-2 better than any team in the NFL. Freeney is the key. If he and Mathis get consistent pressure, just ship to Lombardi to the Luke, and cancel the game. It is over. The one strategic advantage the Colts had over the Saints defensively was Freeney. That is gone.

However, the real reason I am sad is this. The season is 60 minutes away from becoming a decrepid thing of the past. Nothing matters after this upcoming game. Win or lose, the 2010 season is all I will be thinking about after it. Win or lose, I still expect the 2010 Colts to be great, and I will be counting down the days to September 9th, 2010. I wait all season for this day, especially since my prediction of the Colts making the Super Bowl has come true. This is the judgement day. The day where all the hours, all the days I have spent on stampedeblue.com or 18to88.com imbibing Colts knowledge, datum and talk, is going to be for nothing come Sunday at 10:30-ish. It will be done. Slam the lid on the casket of the 2009 Season. It was a glorious one, where we saw two teams run at perfection. We saw an offense play as well as any offense ever, and a QB play as well as any QB ever, and I got to see the destruction of the post-dynasty Pats. That was all fun, that made the season worth it. But really, is anything worth it? is anything worth it when it all comes crashing down quickly on Sunday night.

There is nothing better in sports than the NFL Season (with the exception of the World-Cup). It is a perfect amalgam of scheduling, swagger and style. It lasts the perfect length (again, Roger, take the hint), has the perfect intensity for each and every week. The NFL Season is most-like a good TV show. Once a week it comes, with anticipation preceding it and reaction succeeding it. Each week builds up into one big culminating story, one hour long (or in this case 20-hour long when you count pre-game shows, the show and the post-game triad of CBS, ESPN and NFL Network). When the season finale ends, there is no celebrating of the season past (that is for when the DVD comes out: Road to Super Bowl XLIV, I am there), there is no season-end swoon period. There is sadness that the weekly joy has left my life for 8 months, that I have to wait 8 months to see if Stella says yes, to see why Susan was kissing some random man, to see if Peyton can do it again.

DECADIUM

Yes, I am finally going to start the decadium in earnest. Sure, I started this in some form back in November (or December.... or October?? I have the memory of a goldfish on speed), with my Top 15 NFL Playoff Games of the Last Decade. Sure, it's February, and the teens are 1/120th of the way over, but it's never too late to start celebrating the last decade, and the first complete decade that I have lived through.

I will be doing two lists here, that will be counted down 10-1, as well as random "Best of the Decade" for random categories, some of them about things that are not... wait-for-it... sports. Also, I will breakdown a year. This seems confusing, because this should not have been doled out in paragraph form. When things are written in paragraph form, the completeness of lines inevitable confuses the reader. So, let's re-dole out the Decadium information in bullet form.

Decadium

Top 10 Lists

1.) Top 10 Athletes of the Last Decade
2.) Top 10 NFL Teams of the Last Decade

Random "Football xyz of the Decade"

1.) QBs of the Decade
2.) Games of the Decade
3.) Coaches of the Decade
4.) Players of the Decade
5.) Non-Super Bowl Winning Teams of the Decade

Random "xyz of the Decade"

1.) Musician of the Decade
2.) Movie of the Decade
3.) Company of the Decade
4.) TV Show of the Decade
5.) Celebrity Untalented Bimbo of the Decade
6.) Trend of the Decade
7.) Band of the Decade
8.) MovieStar of the Decade
9.) Book of the Decade
10.) Man of the Decade

(Told you, no sports)

and finally Breakdowns of every year.


Schedule, for the Next 5 Weeks:

Monday: NFL Team.
Tuesday: Year
Wednesday: "XYZ of the Decade"
Thursday: "Football XYZ of the Decade"
Friday: Year
Saturday: "XYZ of the Decade"
Sunday: Athlete.


So, Enjoy the Decadium, starting on Monday Feb 15th

(Why Feb 15th? Next week is all Super Bowl breakdowns).

All Boss Team: Offense

A Boss. Its one part swagger, one part physicality, and a cocktail of ownership and beastliness. In the NFL, there are stars, there are speedsters, there are mauling offensive lineman, there are the pretty boys (I'm looking at you.... Tommy B), and then there are the bosses. They are the ultimate at their position of unearthing a psychotic level of physical play, able to terrorize opponents with their skill and their swag. This is what makes the NFL great. In the brashest of sports, these are the brashest at their positions. The Boss team.

QB - Peyton Manning, Indianapolis

You can be a boss and be brainy. Peyton is the boss in every definition of the word. He is the owner of the league. He is the leader of the pack. He has the swagger. That look, that fierce look that Peyton gives when he's being challenged, it exudes a confident swagger. He simply does not lose. He simply does not get fooled. He is The Boss on offense.

RB - Chris Johnson, Tennessee

The dreads, the speed, the moves, the confidence to challenge Usain Bolt to a 50m race (however ridiculous that may be). He is the boss at running back. He is a week-in and week-0ut beast. He is the dirtiest man on offense, with the grill and the look and the fact that he went to the East Carolina football factory. Chris Johnson can do everything on the field, and that is more than the fumbler can say for himself.

WR1 - Andre Johnson, Houston

He may not talk all that much. He may not do any dances, may not hold up signs or plead for the ball. All he does is own any DB that tries to cover him. With no other target at all at receiver on that team, and only an above-average QB throwing him the ball, he's got over 100 catches and 1500 yards each of the last two years. Also, he's from the U. He's got that quiet swag. Plus, he's also a physical monster, at 6'4'', 220 lbs. A WR in a LB body. Boss.

WR2 - Steve Smith, Carolina

He is tiny, he is fast, he is the most physical receiver in the league. He's punched out teammates, and scored a TD with a broken arm. He also establishes the rules and regulations of the game. They are 89. That is it. Rules, over. Regulations, over. Steve Smith is the man.

WR3 - Santonio Holmes, Pittsburgh

Any player who can pull the trifecta of getting a punt return TD of the supposed beast Mike Scifres, score an amazing Super-Bowl winning catch, and have a nude picture surface on the internet, with the quadrafecta of having a name of Santonio. He's from "The Ohio State" as well. I can't see how he and Jim Tressell got along at all.

TE - Kevin Boss, Giants

His name is Boss. He has to be on the team. I mean, if Boss Bailey was still roaming the field, he would be a shoo-in. Also, he schooled Rodney Harrison on this play that spearheaded, and kickstarted, the Giants 4th quarter beat-down of the Pats. Just for that, and his very fortunate name, he is a boss.

LT - D'Brickashaw Ferguson, New York (a)

Just for that name alone. I mean, he's got an apostrophe! That is as boss as it comes.

LG - Robert Gallery, Oakland

6'7'', 330 lbs, 32 tattoos, including a arm-length python. He owns three motorcycles and supposedly once ate a 92 oz steak in one sitting. And I only made up one of those. Sure, he was a bust at LT, but is a great LG.

C - Kevin Mawea, Tennessee

He's been sticking his hands through his legs at a high level for the last 14 years. That's enough for me. As always, I know little about o-line play, so I really can't do this with any truthfullness.

Coach - Mike Tomlin, Pittsburgh

Six Words: "We Will Unleash Hell in December." Sure, it did not happen, but God was that cool as hell. He is one of the baddest men ever to roam the sidelines.

Owner - Steve Bisciotti, Baltimore

He's the boss of the team with the most all-boss players. A self-made Billionaire, from a family who lost their dad at 8. He started a staffing firm out of his basement, and ended up with 1.5 Billion and the Baltimore Ravens before he turned 40. That is a Boss.

All Boss Team: Defense

Defense

DE - Julius Peppers, Carolina



Names are really important in this discussion. I'm sorry, but Mike Vrabel is just not the name of a Boss. Just to make sure that I'm not racist, Willie McGinest isn't a boss name either. Just to make sure that I'm not a total Pats-hater, James Farrior doesn't cut it either. Anyway, Peppers is an absolute beast. He is always labelled as a guy who doesn't care, yet he just dominates game after game. Carolina would be remiss to let him walk.

DT - Haloti Ngata, Baltimore



The Big Samoan. He is easily the most feared Samoan DT in NFL history, if not the most feared DT in the game today. He's 340 lbs and can run. He's gotten 5 career interceptions, and can play at a high level inside and out. He's as important as Ray Lewis for that defense, and again has a beautiful boss-like name. Haloti Nah-TAH (just say it like that). That is a beauty.

DE - Dwight Freeney, Indianapolis














Doesn't seem like the usual boss, but he plays off injuries, he played a week after partially tearing his quad. He is as good a speed rusher as he is a bull-rusher. He is the one defender Tom Brady fears. Also, he made Jonathan Ogden look like the second coming of the entire Texans offensive line (Carr era version).

OLB - LaMarr Woodley, Pittsburgh










He beats teammate James Harrison because of the name. Nothing much to say. He is a demon off the edge. What I will say is that there is an obvious preponderence of Ravens and Steelers, but that is because Boss-ing is mainly a physical thing, and those two teams climax at the thought of smashmouth football.

ILB - Ray Lewis, Baltimore



He's not what he used to be (which would be the boss-master general), but come on. He practically is the ringleader of the new U, and he's easily the most charismatic, feared LB in the last 20 years. He might not be any better than Derrick Brooks was, but he's got the mojo to get the boss nod.

ILB - AJ Hawk, Green Bay

White man with long, long locks. Count me in. By the way, this selection had nothing to do with the fact I had not picked a single caucausian for the defense yet.

OLB - Joey Porter, Miami

The king of trash talk. The king of just hitting QBs all over the place, and creating havoc for any defense. Overall, it is his prodigious trash-talking skills that puts him here. He is the Gary Payton of the NFL Trash-Talking scene. Joey may have entered Football Hell when he pilgrimaged to South Beach, but he still gets the nod here.

CB - Charles Woodson, Green Bay



He's the best ball-hawk corner around, playing physical man coverage: essentially the corner form of gunfighting. He's a true beast, and he's getting better with age, a rare wine-style boss. I wish the Raiders never let him leave, as he looked absolutely baller in the silver and black, but the green and gold suits him just fine.

SS - Bob Sanders, Indianapolis

Just because he has the physical tolerance of a tissue, doesn't mean we should all forget just how dominant Demond Sanders is when healthy. Bob is everything a hard-hitting strong safety should be. He single-handidly made the 2006 Colts defense title-worthy, which when coupled with the Dreads and the general beastliness of his physical play, is everything a true boss should be.

SS - Troy Polamalu, Pittsburgh

He talks softly, prays on the field, never talks trash and has the voice of a woman. However, on that 100x53 yard there is no person that plays with a bigger heart and a bigger head. He is the premier full-field safety, making bone-crushing tackles and then dropping back and picking off pass after pass. To think that Samoa is so boss-like.

FS - Ed Reed, Baltimore

The ultimate Boss. He is the Dark Night, as the video above tries to show. He can do everything. He won Defensive Player of the Year as a Strong Safety, and is the best Free Safety ever. No discussion. He embodies boss. He plays with a cool confidence, a fiery passion and a intellectual brilliance that rivals QBs. He has dragged along old and then bad CBs to mash up a consitently good pass defense. There is no better Boss in the NFL. Period.