Coming here live from Room 1408 for Game 5. Since this is probably going to be the last game for another 6 days, and the end of Nick Adenhart memorial title run, I thought it would be good to running diary it. By the way, I plan to do this for the Jets-Raiders game (to chronicle the JaMarcus/Sanchize double clusterfuck) but I also have a midterm to study for. Let’s see which takes preference.
8:16 – I decided to step out for a quick Subway. Thankfully, the Angels have already decided to bring the hammer to AJ Burnett. Four runs, no outs, four hits. Where the fuck was this team in Games 1-4?
8:17 – Quick Subway note. The local Subway (8th st. between University and Broadway) has a “Health Note: Alcohol is dangerous to pregnant women” sign. This Subway has a liquor license (why else would they have that sign). What a baller Subway! I knew Jose was drowsy when he made that sub.
8:18 – Already our first shitty call of the night. Laz Diaz (what a great name) says he did not swing. He absolutely did, but I guess check swing is like a 1 on the “Bad Call scale” (10 would be the ump tearing off a Yankee jersey and calling a pitchout strike 3)
8:23 – Evidently, Morgan Freeman has gone insane. He is doing iparticipate.org adds. I assume that company is holding his kids hostage.
8:25 – John Lackey, or as anyone with half a brain (or a microphone) a “bulldog”, is 6’6” 245 lbs. This guy, I’m guessing, was a football player.
8:27 – Tim McCarver just called Lackey’s curveball “convinced.” I’m guessing that is a good thing. Either way I too am “convinced”… that Tim McCarver should be mute.
8:31 – First Budweiser ad. Do you think that Budweiser is mad that they got tied into baseball, when the beer is more “convinced” than Coors, which got the NFL “official beer” sponsorship.
8:33 – Jeff Mathis, a lifetime .200 hitter, gets another hit. I feel like these guys intentionally play awful just so they can get pitches to hit when, and then they screw the Yankees. Erick Aybar’s double-play sadly puts to rest my theory.
8:36 – The guy who designed this Traveller’s ad with flying umbrellas must’ve come up with the idea when he was hallucinating on some powerful shrooms. I mean really, flying little umbrellas?
8:40 – Don’t know about you, but I sincerely want Johnny Damon to sign for any other team, just so he can bring back the Jesus beard. Un-Jesus-ed Damon grounds out, and another missed call. This one was not really all that bad, but still. Another thing for Johnny to consider, if he looked like Jesus, I’m pretty sure he gets that call. I mean, how can the umps not favor Jesus?
8:43 – Just saw the Chris Farley/David Spade DirectTV ad. One question: do you think Chris Farley just decided on returning to cocaine after seeing that he is now being featured in DirectTV ads with Heather Locklear’s sock puppet?
8:44 – Wait a minute! FOX just unleashed the Coors Light freeze cam!! Coors, I don’t think you are playing by the rules. First you have the NFL, and now you are the sponsor of the Freeze Cam. Coors, listen, pick a fucking sport, and stick to it.
8:47 – Why is Fox putting a screen in-set showing the catcher’s signs? Jose Molina, however attractive he may be, is not worthy of a close-up of his crotch.
8:50 – “There are jumps, and then there are jumps and that was a jump (or maybe a jump)” Tim McCarver. Thanks for that nugget.
8:51 – Wild Pitch by Burnett that Molina lets go away. There was loads of controversy when the Yanks decided to make Molina Burnett’s personal catcher. I don’t think it is going all too well. Money on Jorge Posada being so mad he’s going to paint his nails black for Saturday’s game.
8:55 – Here comes the “Droid” ad. All I know from this ad is that an iPod (or iPhone – since no one but me seems to only have an iPod) doesn’t do a lot of shit. Congrats, Droid, congrats.
8:58 – Why does Mark Teixeira look so angry. Is it because he lost his Prince Williams look-a-like competition last week. That’s why I’m angry at him, because I had money on it. How could Tex lose?
9:02 – Hedeki Matsui is up. He is infamous for his huge porn collection (I assume that means Asian, but I hope not, for his sake), and for announcing his wife in a press conference, and the only proof we have that the “wife” exists is a pencil drawing of her. I shit you not.
9:05 – My new theory about the catcher signs inset: It is a subliminal way to get women interested. I mean, the picture of a guy putting his hands in close proximity to his dick has got to be kind of stimulating to women, right. I’ll even admit, when the catcher was Joe Mauer, I may have even been aroused.
9:10 – Tim McCarver makes a slightly humorous quip about the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders and slidesteps. Just because its Tim McCarver, I think that is grounds for a public indecency charge. In unrelated news, Jeff Mathis continues to perfect his Ty Cobb impression (without the open racism, I hope).
9:13 – Fox is starting a latenight Saturday program run headlined by Wanda Sykes?? Can there be anything more inevitable to fail? Can I get odds for that not lasting five weeks??
9:16 – Dr. Oz tells us to eat more whole-grain bread to lower risk of heart disease. You know what else may lower heart disease? Taking a jog instead of sitting on your couch eating Ben ‘n’ Jerry’s watching Dr. Oz.
9:19 – There goes the Jose Molina experiment. I’m guessing that the next time AJ Burnett inquires about making Molina his personal catcher, Joe Girardi will slap him.
9:21 – The “Catcher-signs-inset-make-a-woman-orgasm-atron” is sponsored by Blackberry. Seriously, it is. In other news, John Lackey gets his 6th strikeout of the game, getting Posada looking. That guy is on fire right now. Here comes the “bulldog” Lackey vs. the “Messiah” St. Derek matchup.
9:25 – Lackey strikes out the side, by striking out Jeter. God may smite him by shooting down a lightning bolt (God in this case is Zeus) at his face for striking out his servent Derek Jeter, but Lackey is a “bulldog” with a “convinced” curveball, so he doesn’t care.
9:27 – Now it’s a Corona Light ad. Damn, the MLB is having a beer orgy. Budweiser is getting the solid action, but Coors and Corona are surely getting in on the pole every now and then.
9:28 – Fox’s NFL themesong may be more famous, but I would say that the MLB theme is definitely the best sports related theme song out there today. Just wanted to let you all know. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EzMHUtsPn9U&feature=related check it out. There are even better alternate themes too: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=00-TcR14VSQ&feature=related There’s not much going on, so I have to think of alternate things to do.
9:35 – Is there anything more violently effective than Vlad’s swing. It’s like one of those kids in Little League who justs hacks at three pitches so he can go sit back down and pick boogers out of nose. He swings it so hard. I’m pretty sure you would kill someone with that swing.
9:39 – More music related links. Fox also puts out this number every now and then. It makes baseball seem like something totally more important than it is, but it is still good. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QpuzVW6Thyg&feature=related. I misspoke, the best theme: NBA on NBC: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V_h7Lm7C9Nk It only kicks in around the 1:20 mark, but the clip is high, high comedy all around.
9:42 – Lackey’s rolling along, A-Roid doubles. All is normal in the world. Matsui up, looks relaxed at the plate. Probably just dipped into the porn-case during inning break.
9:44 – Other good themes (I’m sure you are all loving this): NBA on TNT (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FOgbdMIc2hw&feature=related) , NFL on CBS (old-school) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VGSzndHKVPE&feature=related), and the NFL on NBC (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6sJcVo1qruY&feature=related). Finally, for my hockey friends (BTW, Lackey gets out of a jam, through 5.5, he’s shutting the Yanks down): here is NHL on ABC of old (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N-LZRW60wtg&feature=related). OK, I’m done (for now)
9:50 – We bring you back to the currently scheduled program of Game 5. Burnett has been great since the first inning, but I can’t take him seriously since he has nipple rings (one per each nipple, don’t misconstrue as multiple on one nipple as I think only Dennis Rodman has entered that zone).
9:52 – Kendry Morales, McCarver tells us, played for the Yankees of Cuba. I’m guessing they are not the Yankees of Cuba, because then they would have paid him 10 million Cuban monies per year to keep him. Either way, Burnett of the real Yankees, strikes him out with a “convinced” breaking ball.
9:56 – Mark Sanchez’s Toyota ad came out. Good for him, because with a couple more of those 5-pick performances, he’ll need that employer’s discount at Toyota when he’s out on the streets.
9:58 – Jeep claims to build Skyscraper’s and Base Camps in their commercials. I would hope they’ve moved on from that “building cars” phase, because fuck knows that did not work.
10:00 – While Nick Swisher does his A-Roid from 2004-2007 playoff impression (read: crapping the bed each time he steps to the plate), Posada disappears down the dugout tunnel. I bet he’s going to dig into Matsui’s porn stash, for a quick pressure-reliever. Meanwhile, Melky Cabrera, the only Yankee who is playing this game with any sort of urgency, gets a double.
10:02 – Posada finishes the job quickly, as he is up. Moises Alou used to pee into his hands before games, and he batted without gloves. Posada too has no gloves. Do you think he too, uses some excretory liquid (hint: rhymes with “shmeemen”) from his member to harden those hands?
10:03 – Quick sidebar while there is a visit from the pitching coach (don’t worry, no more theme songs). It is a great story how the tragedy of Nick Adenhart’s death has inspired this team. If you don’t know, he was killed when a drunk driver crashed into his car. This should teach us all something: don’t drink and drive, or as it is called in New York, don’t drink and walk onto random streets and avenues without checking for oncoming traffic.
10:04 – The Messiah walks quickly to load the bases. Big moment here. I would be much more worried if Damon had his Jesus beard. But, bases loaded Damon up, one out, the “bulldog” still pitching.
10:09 – Damon flies out to Rivera, and it is too shallow to score the Melk Man. Now, Teixeira comes up with the bases loaded and Lackey leaves to a standing O. God knows who is coming in, but for the Yanks, it is time for Tex to do something in the postseason.
10:11 – America Express releases an ad in which mundane items make the shapes of faces to a background of orchestral chello music. Why do every ad seem like tales of when someone is tripping on acid.
10:13 – Tex hits the first pitch for a double. Lackey should be mad, as Tim McCarver points out (good point, Tim, here’s another picture of the Dallas cheerleaders as a gift). Lackey should not have come out of this game. It is now 4-3. A-Roid is intentionally walked, so they can face porn-aficionado Matsui.
10:16 – Matsui singles and we are tied. Mike Scoscia might be a great manager, but fuck him for taking Lackey out of this game. I’m pretty sure even Tim McCarver would agree that John Lackey is better than Darren Oliver. I’m pretty sure Lackey would kill Oliver if given the chance, and I don’t blame him at all.
10:17 – And Dos Equis has joined the beer-orgy. MLB’s dick is big enough for all of you, don’t worry. I love those most interesting men in the world commercials, especially the fact that the guy plays Jai-Alai. That is interesting. Not as interesting as someone who legitimately plays bocce, but still quite interesting.
10:20 – Cano doubles and the Yankees are now winning 6-4, all coming with 2 outs after Lackey is stupidly pulled. Lackey might have already committed murderous acts on Mike Scoscia and Darren Oliver. I really think there should be protection on those guys.
10:21 – I am by no means a Philly fan, but I am getting my “Go Phils” white towel ready for the World Series. Fuck the Yankees. Derek Jeter just unleashed a half-gay smile and Robinson Cano has that “thank god New York won’t kill me after my mostly useless postseason now” face on. Great times in New York. I hope to dear god the Phillies sweep this team, and Ryan Howard hits two home runs off CC Sabathia just using his penis as a bat.
10:27 – Mathis is a hitting machine against the Yankees. Still stunned that Scoscia took his best pitcher out of the game and replaced him with a half-comatose Darren Oliver. Joe Girardi, who uses his bullpen about as often as CC Sabathia eats hot dogs, has left AJ Burnett in the game. I can’t believe I am saying this but Girardi is out managing Scoscia.
10:30 – Aybar draws a walk, as Burnett is taken out of the game (thank god, the actual Girardi is back). Damaso Marte is coming in. Holy God, Joe, do you want to blow this game? Damaso Marte, really? He of the 7 ERA. Good idea. By the way, the Thunderstix are making a semi-return (for those who don’t know, the thunderstix are phallic shaped balloons that Angels fans smacked together to great results in their 2002 World Series run) as barely half-the stadium is banging them. Why white towels overtook Thunderstix as fans annoying-object-to-wave-and-smack-around du jour is anybody’s guess, but I far prefer thunderstix. Bring back Thunderstix!! And Full-Time!!
10:33 – Figgins bunts, predictably. However, since Marte was pitching, and I could hit .300 off him, why would you bunt?
10:34 – Angels score and now Phil Hughes is coming in to face Hunter and Vlad, one hit away from tying this back up. I have a feeling that Fox ordered both managers to start acting stupid just so this game gets interesting. And I have a message for you Fox: It worked brilliantly! Great management job by Fox!!
10:37 – Boost mobile has turned to pigs as an ad campaign. Really, “Where you at?” did not work well?? That is a surprise.
10:39 – First truly dramatic moment of the game. Football might be the best sport overall, but other than overtime hockey, nothing is as dramatic and nerve-rackingly gut-wrenching as the baseball playoffs.
10:40 – Hunter is walked and Vlad, a historic playoff choker who is having an A-Roid like resurgence this playoffs, is up. On a different note, they showed a little girl, like 8 years old, banging thunderstix together, and that makes me feel bad calling thunderstix “phallic balloons.”
10:43 – Vlad ties the game with a groundball up the middle. His drunk swing makes me wonder how he ever hits home runs, but that is not necessary right now. McCarver is incensed that Hughes threw Guerrero a fastball after making him look silly with a curveball. Once again, another good point by McCarver. Is this really Tim? I have my doubts.
10:45 – Also, what happened to the Rally Monkey?? Was that an Anaheim only monkey, and was disowned after their name change to Los Angeles.
10:46 – Fuck Yeah!!!! The Monkey is not needed as Morales hits a single, and the Angels take the lead again. What a great game, or more specifically an epic meltdown of both bullpens. AJ Burnett has a “What the fuck is this bullpen doing to my win” face that Lackey wore beautifully. McCarver called Hughes “Joba Chamberlain”, and easy mistake when you don’t remember that there is a 150 lb difference between the two. I like having the old McCarver back.
10:49 – Why is Romeo Crennel doing the Coors light interview ads? What the hell. Was there no other coach available? Was Mike Shanahan or Jon Gruden not good enough in the press conferences? I’m sure Jon Gruden says 1,000 things more interesting daily than Romeo Crennel has ever said. Romeo Crennel seems like a fine human being, but he is not deserving of that ad campaign. He may be deserving of a sponsor of Coors Light, but definitely not of that campaign. By the way, is there such thing as Coors, as I only see ads for Coors Light.
10:52 – Jered Weaver, the game 7 starter (if necessary) is pitching for some reason. Who has stolen the real Mike Scoscia and used polyjuice potion and is currently managing the Angels (oh yeah, that’s right, Harry Fucking Potter).
10:56 – I will stop doubting Scoscia, as Weaver strikes out Cano and Jeter (that’s right, he struck out God Incarnate). We go to the bottom of the ninth. Great, great game. The only downside, Fuentes will face Damon, Tex and A-Roid in the ninth. If I were Scoscia, I would keep Weaver out there. Fuentes is one HR away from kneeling down, sucking A-Roid’s dick and calling him “master” at this point.
10:59 – Joba is in the game. Juan Rivera greets him with a double, showing the world that Rivera is in fact alive. Good to know. I’m gonna say this once and for all: Joba Chamberlain is not that good. I’m sorry. That performance against Cleveland two years ago when he was attacked by the midges (bugs), it seems a midge got lodged in his brain and is fucking with him ever since.
11:01 – Buck alerts us that Lackey is back in the dugout. Hopefully he did not leave before to kill and bury Darren Oliver. It seems that Brian Fuentes is warming up. Good lord. This is not going to be good. Fox shows a graphic stating that Mathis has hits in six straight at-bats. If, by some struck of luck, the Angels come back and win this series, do you think Mathis will be the first .200 hitter ever to win the ALCS MVP?
11:04 – Mathis strikes out. Fox has a great history of putting up graphics denoting streaks and stats of such nature and having them immediately jinx the person or team. I would love to say this is a coincidence, but when a Network has a nighttime show with Wanda Sykes and still claims to be the most watched network on television, anything is possible. Aybar gets an infield hit. So we now have 1st and 3rd one out, with the most important insurance run ever 90 feet away.
11:06 – Even if the Angels don’t score, I feel like the Hughes/Chamberlain combo is nowhere near it has been hyped up to be. It may be better than the Oliver/Jepsen shit-combo the Angels threw up back in the 7th, but then again the Gary Coleman/Verne Troyer combo is better at pitching.
11:07 – Mariano Rivera comes in. Girardi has used his brains and replaces the most overrated pitcher of recent memory (Chamberlain) with the greatest relief pitcher ever (Rivera). Rivera has reached a level that he could probably start game 6 and go 8 scoreless innings and I would not be in the least way surprised.
11:13 – Chone Figgins (pronounced: Shaun Figgins. Yeah he’s that gay about the spelling) flies out, and doesn’t get the runner home. Again, I cannot stress just how important this insurance run is. They will lose this game if they don’t score here.
11:14 – They don’t score the insurance run, and we go to ad with Joe Buck saying the three words every Angel fan dreads: “Fuentes coming in.” Windows 7 has an ad with a weird guy showing us the “snap” feature. I’m sure that is the most obscure, pointless feature they have, obviously after the “Why Macs suck in every way” background that is required in every version of Windows 7.
11:17 – Cat Stevens “If you want to sing out” + Chevy Chase playing whack-a-mole. I’m not sure about you, but that will definitely make me buy T-Mobile.
11:19 – Damon lines one, thankfully straight to Kendry Morales. Thank you god. Teixeira up, and he pops up the first pitch. Tex is really going to earn those 180 million. And now what we all fear, A-Roid. McCarver asks should you walk him, and they will walk him. I would walk him, because Matsui is next, and I think Matsui is usually in full on porn mode right about now usually. Another random question, why do we actually have to go through the 4 pitches of the intentional walk. Can’t they just declare intentional walk, and then the guy goes straight to first, or is that too obvious.
11:21 – They pinch run A-Rod. Are you fucking kidding me?? You are pinch running for the guy who single handidly carried you in this postseason for a guy named Freddy Guzman. Substituting in Guzman to run is only a good idea if you are trying to get crack across the border.
11:23 – They show a guy wearing a Green shirt. Hopefully he is color-blind, because that is the only explanation for wearing Green to an Angels game.
11:24 – Matsui is walked, as Robinson Cano is now the batter. Thankfully Cano has fulfilled his “one big hit” quota for the game, but Cano might be greedy. I am still petrified of Brian Fuentes. Moreso than Brad Lidge circa 2005-2006.
11:26 – Cano gets hit. Swisher is the only hitter worse than Cano right now, so maybe the hitting of Cano may be the Angels form of intentionally walking him. If these are the real “Yankees” then Swisher hits a Grand Slam.
11:28 – Swisher hits two weak-ass ground balls foul. He is intent on getting himself gunned-down in Central Park this winter at this rate. He was supposed to be the epitome of the “Moneyball player” so it’s fitting that he, like Beanes “moneyball” A’s, fails in the postseason.
11:30 – Fuentes wants LA to die of heart attacks. Swisher on a full-count.
11:31 – Thank the fucking Lord. Swisher fails (again) and we are back to New York. I don’t know if this is allowed, but the Angels look into getting a new closer in the next two days. Jepsen is your winner, and Hughes gets the loss, and Fox welcomes us to the Chevy postgame show.
11:35 – I think the Wanda Sykes ad is a sign that it is time to call it a night and start preparing for that midterm. If there is a game 7, I will be back, and I will do at least one of these in the World Series. Good night, and thank you Phil Hughes.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Week 7 NFL Power Rankings
32.) St. Louis Rams (0-6)
They played like they were alive, which was a nice improvement. This team still has, by far, the least talent of any NFL team. I always wonder how that happens in a league where everyone spends roughly the same amount. How can the Rams be so pathetic when at the same time the Patriots seem to have stars at every position. Where the hell are the Rams spending all that money? Where is it? This seems like something that should be investigated.
31.) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-6)
Ahh, the other sadly pathetic team. This team, unlike the Rams, have actual talent but a totally unknown and undeserving coach. What were Raheem Morris's credentials. Here they are: two years as a Defensive Backs coach. I realize they were trying to hold onto the next Mike Tomlin, but they missed badly. This is a team in total disarray. They really did not play well at home, against Carolina. How was this team ever 9-3 last year.
30.) Tennessee Titans (0-6)
More amazingly, how was this team ever 13-3 last year. It has gone from bad to worse. At first they lost three close games against good opposition. Then, the got hammered by the Jags, at that point I played it off as a team not interested in playing in Jacksonville (an infection that is mighty contagious). Then they lost even worse to the Colts at home. In retrospect, they played with alot of passion in that game. They just gave up, and when they saw snow in New England, they all collectively had seizures and that was the end of it. That team is a Defensive team, and their corners did not even try to cover people. This is sad. Much of the media thinks that Jeff Fisher deserves better, but does he? He has definitely run his course, and he has never been as good of a coach as the media makes him out to be. He has only six winning seasons in 15 years. That is awful, awful, awful. Its about time Jeff, to go into the media. Cris Carter won't be able to stay away from the Cocaine, and then ESPN will need someone.
29.) Washington Redskins (2-4)
They are the worst 2-4 team of all time. They are just unconsciably bad. I love the hypocrisy in the Jim Zorn fiasco. Evidently, Vinny Cerrato and Dan Snyder want him to stay, but want him to give up playcalling duties. That's a funny game to play when you initially hired Jimmy Zorn to be the Offensive Coordinator, and CALL PLAYS!! Great Job, Danny boy, great job. That guy is a far worse owner than Al Davis currently is. I have no idea why that is true, but to me it is. Anyway, this team has got to get Vinny Cerrato out of there, or they will not land the Mike Shanahan type and that's the end of that.
28.) Cleveland Browns (1-5)
I have few rules to my power rankings, but I'll say this has to be one: when your team is actively listening to trade offers for your one player who has any relevance and has any modicum of ability to ever play the game of football, I think your team is fucked. Its now year 11 of the "new Cleveland Browns" and this team has seemingly gotten worse. While the "old" Cleveland Browns (aka The Ravens of Baltimore) are one of the more model franchises of the league. Like always, its Bill Belichick's fault. This time it really is. When he coached the Browns he gave away Cleveland's local hero in Bernie Kosar and was such an unmititgated disaster that the fans gave up and they were off to Baltimore. Well done, Billy.
27.) Kansas City Cheifs (1-5)
They, like the Browns, are eternally boring, and are a forever downtrodden franchise. I'm starting to believe that their 13-3 year in 2003 was a dream sequence. Did that actually happen? This team bought into the hype of Matt Cassel for no good reason, then traded away their best player. I always think it is never a good idea to trade away your best player, yet the world never seems to listen. I guess I'm wrong then, becuase Scott Pioli did just that, and he is the genius architect of the Pats dynasty. I'm starting to feel he just brought Coffee to Belichick and that is it.
26.) Detroit Lions (1-5)
I really hope that Matthew Stafford and Megatron come back quickly. Just when their fans and society starting recognizing this team as an NFL franchise, they make Drew Henson play QB, and have their only relevant fantsy player get hurt. It never ends for Detroit, does it. What is srange is that there is no good reason why this team has never been any good in the Super Bowl era. Their owner, assuming he is still alive, stays away and yet there always seem to be organizational problems. If anybody needs a Patriot like sudden rise-to-the-top it is them. Why you ask? Becuase they are too poor to buy pink Tom Brady jerseys like all of New England did when they jumped on that bandwagon.
25.) Buffalo Bills (2-4)
They got a nice win against a mediocre team. Congratulations Buffalo. Go throw a party, becuase that is probably the highlight of the year, apart from Ralph Wilson's successful colonoscopy. I have to thank that team for making Mark Sanchez turn into the Mexican version of JaMarcus Russell. That was fun.
24.) Oakland Raiders (2-4)
OHHHHH, YEEEEAAAHHH!!!! That's what I am talking about. I love the random good win this team pulls out every now and then. It is always fun. I love it when the team they beat's fans get crazy depressed, everyone laughs at them, makes fun of them and the media calls them out. Won't they learn this happens every year. Oakland is only bad when they want to (which is quite, quite often), and when they randomly decide to get up for a game, they can beat anyone.
23.) Carolina Panthers (2-3)
I have given up on them. Sure they are good enough to not even be in the worst quadrant of the league, but they are done. They cannot beat the Bucs by more than a touchdown! Really? Sure they ran the ball in classic 2008 fashion, but Jake Delhomme played in classic 2009 fashion. I think with the stinkbomb of JaMarcus Russell and Mark Sanchez, people have forgotten just how miserable this guy is now. He has thrown 4 tds and 10 ints, and has a 56.8 rating. My question, how is the rating that high? Where are those 56.8 QBpoints coming from? Are they generating from the innards of his git-o-meter?
22.) Jacksonville Jaguars (3-3)
They are at .500, and below four teams below .500. And they should maybe be further below. This team had to go to overtime to beat the Rams; the Rams, the NFL equivalent of Weber St. That was sad. When they rolled down the field and took the lead, any team playing the Rams should not be giving up a 2 minute drill, and yet, they stooped to that level and did. They gave up a 2 minute drill to Donnie Avery and Co. Jacksonville cannot get lower, and I'm sure they will and I can't wait.
21.) Seattle Seahawks (2-4)
That was an awful performance after they suckered everyone in by crushing Jacksonville. It is odd that these two teams are next to each other when one beat the other by 41. That's life in the NFL in 2009. Seattle needs alot more than Hasselbeck. I have Super Bowl XL on DVD, becuase I love laughing at NFL Officials (Bill Leavy, you kid, you kid), but that team does not resemble the current Seahawks at all, and on paper this team is better. However, that O-Line was dominant. Alexander picked up 5 a clip easily, and we know that has nothing to do with him. That O-Line was great, and now that they are playing with their third string LT, it is the antithesis of great.
20.) New York Jets (3-3)
Ahh, the interesting life of an NFL rookie not named Flacco, Ryan or Roethlisberger. He was so, so bad in that game. I don't want to make this about race, but if JaMarcus put up a 5 int game like that against a bad team, he would be kicked out of the league on the spot. Guys like Chris Berman would excoriate him to no belief. The real Braylon Edwards has made his dramatic return, as more and more passes gratefully bounce of his jello hands and return to the earth below. The Jets are, and I'm serious, a cursed franchise. Its not really a curse as much as it is they got the greatest win in NFL History in Super Bowl III, and they now need to wait their turn. With the greatest win in history on thier side, their turn will come approximately in 2060. By then, Rex Ryan will be 1000lbs, and have eight Dunkin Donuts in his house, one in each bathroom.
19.) San Diego Chargers (2-3)
I want to put them lower, but I know in my heart that their second half surge will come. What makes me happy is that they have 4 games against good opposition left (DEN, NYG, PHI, CIN), and this team cannot beat a good team if they were paid double for winning (except against Indy - fuck you San Diego). Phil Rivers is a great QB, but he is surrounded by schmucks all over. His coach, his "star" RB, his average receivers and his steroid-induced overrated defense. If I hear once more how talented they are on ESPN, I will stop what I am doing, trek to Bristol, meet that motherfucker face-to-face and stab him with Chopsticks. They just are not that talented. It is the Patriots syndrome, where we just assume everyone on that team is good just becuase they are on that team. At least the Patriots won Super Bowls, so I can understand where that thought comes from. What has this team ever done. They are the 2000's version of the...... of nothing. There has never been such and oft-hyped team that has not at least won one Super Bowl.
18.) San Francisco 49ers (3-2)
I just do not think they are any good, and now that Arizona has gotten up from its power-nap and realized football is being played again, that division may be gone. I would have them about 10 spots higher if the just covered Greg Lewis instead of letting the Vikes win. Not that it would make them any better or worse of a team, but that it would allow us all not to be killed by this avalanche of Brett Favre-mania. Thanks alot, 49ers. By the way, I am totally sold on the wait-your-turn theory with them. They had the greatest run of success in NFL history, and now they pay with a run of bad teams, coaches and quarterbacks. Success comes at a price, San Francisco.
17.) Dallas Cowboys (3-2)
Why should they be any higher? They lost two games, and if the Chiefs had at least one player who remembered how to form tackle, they would be in the 20-25 range. They just are not good. That "three-headed monster" at running back is always hurt, and I still don't think Marion Barber is near as good as most believe. Tony Romo is continuing his descent to where he belongs, in the wasteland that is of the mediocre quarterback. Also, the karma Gods are totally against them now that they opened up a stadium which is, I may be a little wrong here, the size of Mongolia and can fit as many people as the whole Island of Jamaica.
16.) Miami Dolphins (2-3)
I still like them. That Wildcat has looked extremely good in recent weeks. It may be a gigantic gimmick in most cities (btw, why does everyone try to name the Wildcat differently, like the Jets call it the Seminole and Denver hilariously calls it the Running Horses or some shit), but the Wildcat is effective as anything in Miami. They run it brilliantly. Miami has come the closest to beating the Colts as anyone has, and that was with the worse of the two Chads.
15.) Baltimore Ravens (3-3)
Prediction: They will win the NFC West. Screw that "year-after losing the Super Bowl" theory! They are a good team, who lost a patented "weird Week 1 game that does not in any way indicate the future results of this team" and lost to the Colts operating on every level. They, in the meantime blew out two teams and beat a team that will improve over the year. I think people wrote this team off way too early, and I don't blame them since the media went apeshit over Mike Simgletary, becuase he loves the game. The Niners may play with passion, but they have Shaun Hill throwing to Josh Morgan and an overrated Michael Crabtree. That is many things, namely forms of comedy, but not as good as Warner (or even Leinart) to Fitz and Boldin.
13.) Houston Texans (3-3)
Prediction: This team will win 10 games. They are better than .500, and I really wanted to put them ahead. I can't do that yet, because some of this power ranking has to do with current play and not only future expectations. This team went into Cincy and beat a riled up Bengals team badly. They historically have played good teams well in the past, and lose random games, but the trend has reversed itself. This team crushes the teams it should beat (other than Jacksonville who should have won easily without Chris Brown's slapping incident), like Oakland, and barely lost to Arizona. They too had a patented Week 1 game like the Cardinals, and like them, they are going to the Playoffs.
12.) Philadelphia Eagles (3-2)
They are who they are, a team capable of beating anyone in the NFL at any time. Donovan McNabb can go off at any time. DeSean and Maclin can run deep and catch big plays all the time. That defense, when it wants, can harrass any opponent to death. Yet, none of this rarely happens. They are a fringe playoff team, definitely worse than the Giants, not obvioiusly better than Chicago, Green Bay, San Francisco and Dallas. That was a normal Eagles game last week. Remember last year, before they waxed Dallas 44-7 (in one of the most enjoyable experiences any non-Dallas fan can have), they lost to Washington and scored 3 points. I would never bet on them, ever. That is like gambling money on heads and tails.
11.) Cincinnatti Bengals (4-2)
Ahhh, the letdown game. After beating Pittsburgh and Baltimore, and escaping the city of Cleveland without obtaining a staph infection, like so many Clevelanders, they let down against a good team. I am still waiting for the yearly Carson Palmer and Chad monthly long hook-up that comes annually. It will be fun when it happens, as they will combine for like 700 yards in 4 weeks and 6 tds or something. I have them on a fantasy team together, and my opponents those weeks better start kneeling now, cause they will not show mercy when it happens.
10.) Chicago Bears (3-2)
This is a team that has shot itself in the foot in both losses. They outplayed Green Bay on opening Sunday night, and lost after calling weird fake-punts on 4th and 13. They lost to Atlanta after three times getting into the redzone and getting 0 points. You want to know the difference between the good and the elite: the Bears did that in one game, and the Colts have done it once all year. If this team stops commiting game suicide every Sunday, they can win that division. They are quite good on defense, even though they are now down to their 3rd string MLB. Maybe, just maybe, they are proving that Brian Urlacher is not the godsend middle linebacker that he pretends to be. All this means is that Urlacher totally deserved his ex-beau Paris Hilton. Just be glad they did not make a sex-tape.
9.) Green Bay Packers (3-2)
Pin me as totally unimpressed by their 59-0 win. As has been said, they were playing the equivalent of Nichols St. and any self-respecting team should have been able to do likewise. Now, most self-respecting teams are also not-your-selfrespecting, as in they would not needlessly throw on fourth and six up 52 in the 3rd, or run an up-tempo 2 minute drill up 38-0 at the end of the half. Believe me, the top teams, like the Colts, Broncos and Siants are not all that impressed. I am not losing sleep over that performance. Their game just one week before (the loss to the Broncos where they failed to score in the second half) is more of the real Pats than that scrimmage they played on Sunday. Sadly, they get another scrimmage, this time in London (!!!!!), against the Bucs, so they'll probably set the 2 week scoring record, but none of it will matter when they play real competition.
7.) New York Giants (5-1)
We should not overreact to that loss. Sure they looked like icedancers on defense, weaving circles as more and more members of the New Orleans Saints ran by them, but that was against the modern-day Greatest Show on Turf when they were in front of a big crowd and in their first real statement game. They are, I hope to dear god, a better defensive team than that, and they should still wrap up that division and get a bye. However, Eli Manning still confounds me. It seems that he is no longer the QB who sprayed balls all over the place all the time, as he is confident and strong in the pocket. Yet, when he gets pressured, he immediately returns to the Manning that used to be the focus of New York's collective hatred. It is strange that he has not improved at all against the rush. Hopefully that will not harm this team, as they are a likable bunch and allowed America the grace of not dealing with a 19-0 Pats team.
6.) Atlanta Falcons (4-1)
They find ways to win games. Its hard to describe, as they were the same type of team last time. Matt Ryan never seems to have Manning or Brees type days, and Michael Turner is nearly as overrated as LT, but they win games. Other than John Abraham (who gives as much consistent effort as Jessica Simpson does to staying away from the buffet) they have no real playmakers on defense, and their coach is named Mike fucking Smith. Mike Smith, really, really. That is the most common last name with one of the most common first names. Really, Smith parents, really. That was a creative baby namestorming session.
5.) Minnesota Vikings (6-0)
I would love to rank them lower, but they are undefeated, and have beated two legitimate teams (San Fran and Baltimore) regardless of however sketchy and lucky those wins were. Obviously, there are some higher forces here. Brett Favre is throwing it up like most hillbilly QBs do (him, Delhomme, Cutler), but somehow his land in the hands of Sidney Rice and not other DBs like they have been for the last 10 years for Favre. It will happen sometime, but until then this is quite a good team. But even Vegas does not believe in them, as they are not being favored like most 6-0 teams would be.
4.) Pittsburgh Steelers (4-2)
I'm probably the only power-ranker in America who has Pittsburgh this high. And I don't have any apologies. They are this good. They can play with anyone. Those defensive struggles, I thought, were overrated, and when Troy came back, although he did not seem to be at 100%, that defense got its swagger back. This year, defenses have come to die, which is the total opposite of last year, but Pittsburgh seems to still have the best one at the end of the day. Ben Roethlisberger has entered a Favre circa 1994-1997 phase (when Favre was actually ridiculously good), and this team, in my opinion, is about to take off. They are the defending champs for a reason, and Mike Tomlin (the single coolest guy in America) won't let this team get complacent.
3.) Denver Broncos (6-0)
I totally believe now. Even though I thought, win or lose, this team was better than the San Diego BlackPittsofEmotions (a name that should catch on). Their defense is for real, and Kyle Orton is doing an excellent Brady 2003 impression (yeah, that's right, Brady stats were really, really pedestrian in 2003), and that was a Super Bowl winning act he is "impressing." They have far more talent than I thought defensively and that o-line is amazing. We all knew the run-block really well, but they have started to pass-block extremely well too. That will be scary. Thankfully for me, the Colts own them, but I still feel they are totally for real, and that Mike Nolan was the most important pick-up of the offseason.
2.) Indianapolis Colts (5-0)
I kept to my word from last week. The Saints went out and beat what I thought was the 3rd best team, and the Colts had a bye, so I had too. This team still can be every bit as juggernautish than the Saints, and although their offense is not quite as good and versatile, their defense will, in the end of the year, be beter. Reports are they will get Hayden, Sanders and Charlie Johnson (which would be like the old Ravens suddenly getting McAllister, Reed and Ogden) back, so this team should only get better.
1.) New Orleans Saints (5-0)
I said if they beat the Giants convincingly they would vault back to number one. I keepmy word. That was mighty impressive. They remind me of the 1999 Rams: an exceptionally explosive team in both running and passing, but with an underrated defense. That Rams team allowed jus 242 points. Now, this team is probably not as good defensively, but they are close. They can force turnovers, they can get pressure. They can play really, really well on that fast track. And the final similarity, they play in a loud dome. They Eddie Jones dome in St. Louis used to be a raucous dome, before you know, the whole team started collectively resembling a batch of bad diarrhea. The Superdome hosts the best crowd in the NFL, and it will be fun for us when people go there for the Playoffs, and a nightmare for that team that plays them.
They played like they were alive, which was a nice improvement. This team still has, by far, the least talent of any NFL team. I always wonder how that happens in a league where everyone spends roughly the same amount. How can the Rams be so pathetic when at the same time the Patriots seem to have stars at every position. Where the hell are the Rams spending all that money? Where is it? This seems like something that should be investigated.
31.) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-6)
Ahh, the other sadly pathetic team. This team, unlike the Rams, have actual talent but a totally unknown and undeserving coach. What were Raheem Morris's credentials. Here they are: two years as a Defensive Backs coach. I realize they were trying to hold onto the next Mike Tomlin, but they missed badly. This is a team in total disarray. They really did not play well at home, against Carolina. How was this team ever 9-3 last year.
30.) Tennessee Titans (0-6)
More amazingly, how was this team ever 13-3 last year. It has gone from bad to worse. At first they lost three close games against good opposition. Then, the got hammered by the Jags, at that point I played it off as a team not interested in playing in Jacksonville (an infection that is mighty contagious). Then they lost even worse to the Colts at home. In retrospect, they played with alot of passion in that game. They just gave up, and when they saw snow in New England, they all collectively had seizures and that was the end of it. That team is a Defensive team, and their corners did not even try to cover people. This is sad. Much of the media thinks that Jeff Fisher deserves better, but does he? He has definitely run his course, and he has never been as good of a coach as the media makes him out to be. He has only six winning seasons in 15 years. That is awful, awful, awful. Its about time Jeff, to go into the media. Cris Carter won't be able to stay away from the Cocaine, and then ESPN will need someone.
29.) Washington Redskins (2-4)
They are the worst 2-4 team of all time. They are just unconsciably bad. I love the hypocrisy in the Jim Zorn fiasco. Evidently, Vinny Cerrato and Dan Snyder want him to stay, but want him to give up playcalling duties. That's a funny game to play when you initially hired Jimmy Zorn to be the Offensive Coordinator, and CALL PLAYS!! Great Job, Danny boy, great job. That guy is a far worse owner than Al Davis currently is. I have no idea why that is true, but to me it is. Anyway, this team has got to get Vinny Cerrato out of there, or they will not land the Mike Shanahan type and that's the end of that.
28.) Cleveland Browns (1-5)
I have few rules to my power rankings, but I'll say this has to be one: when your team is actively listening to trade offers for your one player who has any relevance and has any modicum of ability to ever play the game of football, I think your team is fucked. Its now year 11 of the "new Cleveland Browns" and this team has seemingly gotten worse. While the "old" Cleveland Browns (aka The Ravens of Baltimore) are one of the more model franchises of the league. Like always, its Bill Belichick's fault. This time it really is. When he coached the Browns he gave away Cleveland's local hero in Bernie Kosar and was such an unmititgated disaster that the fans gave up and they were off to Baltimore. Well done, Billy.
27.) Kansas City Cheifs (1-5)
They, like the Browns, are eternally boring, and are a forever downtrodden franchise. I'm starting to believe that their 13-3 year in 2003 was a dream sequence. Did that actually happen? This team bought into the hype of Matt Cassel for no good reason, then traded away their best player. I always think it is never a good idea to trade away your best player, yet the world never seems to listen. I guess I'm wrong then, becuase Scott Pioli did just that, and he is the genius architect of the Pats dynasty. I'm starting to feel he just brought Coffee to Belichick and that is it.
26.) Detroit Lions (1-5)
I really hope that Matthew Stafford and Megatron come back quickly. Just when their fans and society starting recognizing this team as an NFL franchise, they make Drew Henson play QB, and have their only relevant fantsy player get hurt. It never ends for Detroit, does it. What is srange is that there is no good reason why this team has never been any good in the Super Bowl era. Their owner, assuming he is still alive, stays away and yet there always seem to be organizational problems. If anybody needs a Patriot like sudden rise-to-the-top it is them. Why you ask? Becuase they are too poor to buy pink Tom Brady jerseys like all of New England did when they jumped on that bandwagon.
25.) Buffalo Bills (2-4)
They got a nice win against a mediocre team. Congratulations Buffalo. Go throw a party, becuase that is probably the highlight of the year, apart from Ralph Wilson's successful colonoscopy. I have to thank that team for making Mark Sanchez turn into the Mexican version of JaMarcus Russell. That was fun.
24.) Oakland Raiders (2-4)
OHHHHH, YEEEEAAAHHH!!!! That's what I am talking about. I love the random good win this team pulls out every now and then. It is always fun. I love it when the team they beat's fans get crazy depressed, everyone laughs at them, makes fun of them and the media calls them out. Won't they learn this happens every year. Oakland is only bad when they want to (which is quite, quite often), and when they randomly decide to get up for a game, they can beat anyone.
23.) Carolina Panthers (2-3)
I have given up on them. Sure they are good enough to not even be in the worst quadrant of the league, but they are done. They cannot beat the Bucs by more than a touchdown! Really? Sure they ran the ball in classic 2008 fashion, but Jake Delhomme played in classic 2009 fashion. I think with the stinkbomb of JaMarcus Russell and Mark Sanchez, people have forgotten just how miserable this guy is now. He has thrown 4 tds and 10 ints, and has a 56.8 rating. My question, how is the rating that high? Where are those 56.8 QBpoints coming from? Are they generating from the innards of his git-o-meter?
22.) Jacksonville Jaguars (3-3)
They are at .500, and below four teams below .500. And they should maybe be further below. This team had to go to overtime to beat the Rams; the Rams, the NFL equivalent of Weber St. That was sad. When they rolled down the field and took the lead, any team playing the Rams should not be giving up a 2 minute drill, and yet, they stooped to that level and did. They gave up a 2 minute drill to Donnie Avery and Co. Jacksonville cannot get lower, and I'm sure they will and I can't wait.
21.) Seattle Seahawks (2-4)
That was an awful performance after they suckered everyone in by crushing Jacksonville. It is odd that these two teams are next to each other when one beat the other by 41. That's life in the NFL in 2009. Seattle needs alot more than Hasselbeck. I have Super Bowl XL on DVD, becuase I love laughing at NFL Officials (Bill Leavy, you kid, you kid), but that team does not resemble the current Seahawks at all, and on paper this team is better. However, that O-Line was dominant. Alexander picked up 5 a clip easily, and we know that has nothing to do with him. That O-Line was great, and now that they are playing with their third string LT, it is the antithesis of great.
20.) New York Jets (3-3)
Ahh, the interesting life of an NFL rookie not named Flacco, Ryan or Roethlisberger. He was so, so bad in that game. I don't want to make this about race, but if JaMarcus put up a 5 int game like that against a bad team, he would be kicked out of the league on the spot. Guys like Chris Berman would excoriate him to no belief. The real Braylon Edwards has made his dramatic return, as more and more passes gratefully bounce of his jello hands and return to the earth below. The Jets are, and I'm serious, a cursed franchise. Its not really a curse as much as it is they got the greatest win in NFL History in Super Bowl III, and they now need to wait their turn. With the greatest win in history on thier side, their turn will come approximately in 2060. By then, Rex Ryan will be 1000lbs, and have eight Dunkin Donuts in his house, one in each bathroom.
19.) San Diego Chargers (2-3)
I want to put them lower, but I know in my heart that their second half surge will come. What makes me happy is that they have 4 games against good opposition left (DEN, NYG, PHI, CIN), and this team cannot beat a good team if they were paid double for winning (except against Indy - fuck you San Diego). Phil Rivers is a great QB, but he is surrounded by schmucks all over. His coach, his "star" RB, his average receivers and his steroid-induced overrated defense. If I hear once more how talented they are on ESPN, I will stop what I am doing, trek to Bristol, meet that motherfucker face-to-face and stab him with Chopsticks. They just are not that talented. It is the Patriots syndrome, where we just assume everyone on that team is good just becuase they are on that team. At least the Patriots won Super Bowls, so I can understand where that thought comes from. What has this team ever done. They are the 2000's version of the...... of nothing. There has never been such and oft-hyped team that has not at least won one Super Bowl.
18.) San Francisco 49ers (3-2)
I just do not think they are any good, and now that Arizona has gotten up from its power-nap and realized football is being played again, that division may be gone. I would have them about 10 spots higher if the just covered Greg Lewis instead of letting the Vikes win. Not that it would make them any better or worse of a team, but that it would allow us all not to be killed by this avalanche of Brett Favre-mania. Thanks alot, 49ers. By the way, I am totally sold on the wait-your-turn theory with them. They had the greatest run of success in NFL history, and now they pay with a run of bad teams, coaches and quarterbacks. Success comes at a price, San Francisco.
17.) Dallas Cowboys (3-2)
Why should they be any higher? They lost two games, and if the Chiefs had at least one player who remembered how to form tackle, they would be in the 20-25 range. They just are not good. That "three-headed monster" at running back is always hurt, and I still don't think Marion Barber is near as good as most believe. Tony Romo is continuing his descent to where he belongs, in the wasteland that is of the mediocre quarterback. Also, the karma Gods are totally against them now that they opened up a stadium which is, I may be a little wrong here, the size of Mongolia and can fit as many people as the whole Island of Jamaica.
16.) Miami Dolphins (2-3)
I still like them. That Wildcat has looked extremely good in recent weeks. It may be a gigantic gimmick in most cities (btw, why does everyone try to name the Wildcat differently, like the Jets call it the Seminole and Denver hilariously calls it the Running Horses or some shit), but the Wildcat is effective as anything in Miami. They run it brilliantly. Miami has come the closest to beating the Colts as anyone has, and that was with the worse of the two Chads.
15.) Baltimore Ravens (3-3)
That defense is violently average. It is the corners fault, really. However, that offense is really, really good, but something seems off. I thought coming in they would have the year after effect, with a patented 9-7. It seems like that to me now. They are a team that has the potential to be the best team in the NFL, but if Ray Rice gets hurt, I think that that offense comes back to mediocre level. That defense should probably become better as the season goes on, as they will adjust to the lack of an actual cornerback. However, right now, they are just an average team, and one that can beat all the bad teams, lose to all the good ones, cover the spread most weeks.
14.) Arizona Cardinals (3-2)Prediction: They will win the NFC West. Screw that "year-after losing the Super Bowl" theory! They are a good team, who lost a patented "weird Week 1 game that does not in any way indicate the future results of this team" and lost to the Colts operating on every level. They, in the meantime blew out two teams and beat a team that will improve over the year. I think people wrote this team off way too early, and I don't blame them since the media went apeshit over Mike Simgletary, becuase he loves the game. The Niners may play with passion, but they have Shaun Hill throwing to Josh Morgan and an overrated Michael Crabtree. That is many things, namely forms of comedy, but not as good as Warner (or even Leinart) to Fitz and Boldin.
13.) Houston Texans (3-3)
Prediction: This team will win 10 games. They are better than .500, and I really wanted to put them ahead. I can't do that yet, because some of this power ranking has to do with current play and not only future expectations. This team went into Cincy and beat a riled up Bengals team badly. They historically have played good teams well in the past, and lose random games, but the trend has reversed itself. This team crushes the teams it should beat (other than Jacksonville who should have won easily without Chris Brown's slapping incident), like Oakland, and barely lost to Arizona. They too had a patented Week 1 game like the Cardinals, and like them, they are going to the Playoffs.
12.) Philadelphia Eagles (3-2)
They are who they are, a team capable of beating anyone in the NFL at any time. Donovan McNabb can go off at any time. DeSean and Maclin can run deep and catch big plays all the time. That defense, when it wants, can harrass any opponent to death. Yet, none of this rarely happens. They are a fringe playoff team, definitely worse than the Giants, not obvioiusly better than Chicago, Green Bay, San Francisco and Dallas. That was a normal Eagles game last week. Remember last year, before they waxed Dallas 44-7 (in one of the most enjoyable experiences any non-Dallas fan can have), they lost to Washington and scored 3 points. I would never bet on them, ever. That is like gambling money on heads and tails.
11.) Cincinnatti Bengals (4-2)
Ahhh, the letdown game. After beating Pittsburgh and Baltimore, and escaping the city of Cleveland without obtaining a staph infection, like so many Clevelanders, they let down against a good team. I am still waiting for the yearly Carson Palmer and Chad monthly long hook-up that comes annually. It will be fun when it happens, as they will combine for like 700 yards in 4 weeks and 6 tds or something. I have them on a fantasy team together, and my opponents those weeks better start kneeling now, cause they will not show mercy when it happens.
10.) Chicago Bears (3-2)
This is a team that has shot itself in the foot in both losses. They outplayed Green Bay on opening Sunday night, and lost after calling weird fake-punts on 4th and 13. They lost to Atlanta after three times getting into the redzone and getting 0 points. You want to know the difference between the good and the elite: the Bears did that in one game, and the Colts have done it once all year. If this team stops commiting game suicide every Sunday, they can win that division. They are quite good on defense, even though they are now down to their 3rd string MLB. Maybe, just maybe, they are proving that Brian Urlacher is not the godsend middle linebacker that he pretends to be. All this means is that Urlacher totally deserved his ex-beau Paris Hilton. Just be glad they did not make a sex-tape.
9.) Green Bay Packers (3-2)
This team is great in every way. They have a stud QB, they have good receivers, they have an attacking defense that is getting better at the 3-4 every week, and they do not have the baggage that comes with a certain 40-year old QB who will break down in December and January again (mark my words). If they only had an o-line. Rodgers was sacked 4 times by the Lions (the Lions, as in a team that has four muskrats on their D-Line) and now is on pace to be sacked 80 times this year, an area that has only been inhabited by the great David Carr. It is never a good idea to be in the same sentence as that man. Either way, their blocking better improve, or it will be a long, long year in Green Bay. They are a good team, but I fear when they play the Vikings or Bears, or if they get to the Giants and Saints in the playoffs (teams with things scarier than muskrats on their D-Line - like MuskOx).
8.) New England Patriots (4-2)
Pin me as totally unimpressed by their 59-0 win. As has been said, they were playing the equivalent of Nichols St. and any self-respecting team should have been able to do likewise. Now, most self-respecting teams are also not-your-selfrespecting, as in they would not needlessly throw on fourth and six up 52 in the 3rd, or run an up-tempo 2 minute drill up 38-0 at the end of the half. Believe me, the top teams, like the Colts, Broncos and Siants are not all that impressed. I am not losing sleep over that performance. Their game just one week before (the loss to the Broncos where they failed to score in the second half) is more of the real Pats than that scrimmage they played on Sunday. Sadly, they get another scrimmage, this time in London (!!!!!), against the Bucs, so they'll probably set the 2 week scoring record, but none of it will matter when they play real competition.
7.) New York Giants (5-1)
We should not overreact to that loss. Sure they looked like icedancers on defense, weaving circles as more and more members of the New Orleans Saints ran by them, but that was against the modern-day Greatest Show on Turf when they were in front of a big crowd and in their first real statement game. They are, I hope to dear god, a better defensive team than that, and they should still wrap up that division and get a bye. However, Eli Manning still confounds me. It seems that he is no longer the QB who sprayed balls all over the place all the time, as he is confident and strong in the pocket. Yet, when he gets pressured, he immediately returns to the Manning that used to be the focus of New York's collective hatred. It is strange that he has not improved at all against the rush. Hopefully that will not harm this team, as they are a likable bunch and allowed America the grace of not dealing with a 19-0 Pats team.
6.) Atlanta Falcons (4-1)
They find ways to win games. Its hard to describe, as they were the same type of team last time. Matt Ryan never seems to have Manning or Brees type days, and Michael Turner is nearly as overrated as LT, but they win games. Other than John Abraham (who gives as much consistent effort as Jessica Simpson does to staying away from the buffet) they have no real playmakers on defense, and their coach is named Mike fucking Smith. Mike Smith, really, really. That is the most common last name with one of the most common first names. Really, Smith parents, really. That was a creative baby namestorming session.
5.) Minnesota Vikings (6-0)
I would love to rank them lower, but they are undefeated, and have beated two legitimate teams (San Fran and Baltimore) regardless of however sketchy and lucky those wins were. Obviously, there are some higher forces here. Brett Favre is throwing it up like most hillbilly QBs do (him, Delhomme, Cutler), but somehow his land in the hands of Sidney Rice and not other DBs like they have been for the last 10 years for Favre. It will happen sometime, but until then this is quite a good team. But even Vegas does not believe in them, as they are not being favored like most 6-0 teams would be.
4.) Pittsburgh Steelers (4-2)
I'm probably the only power-ranker in America who has Pittsburgh this high. And I don't have any apologies. They are this good. They can play with anyone. Those defensive struggles, I thought, were overrated, and when Troy came back, although he did not seem to be at 100%, that defense got its swagger back. This year, defenses have come to die, which is the total opposite of last year, but Pittsburgh seems to still have the best one at the end of the day. Ben Roethlisberger has entered a Favre circa 1994-1997 phase (when Favre was actually ridiculously good), and this team, in my opinion, is about to take off. They are the defending champs for a reason, and Mike Tomlin (the single coolest guy in America) won't let this team get complacent.
3.) Denver Broncos (6-0)
I totally believe now. Even though I thought, win or lose, this team was better than the San Diego BlackPittsofEmotions (a name that should catch on). Their defense is for real, and Kyle Orton is doing an excellent Brady 2003 impression (yeah, that's right, Brady stats were really, really pedestrian in 2003), and that was a Super Bowl winning act he is "impressing." They have far more talent than I thought defensively and that o-line is amazing. We all knew the run-block really well, but they have started to pass-block extremely well too. That will be scary. Thankfully for me, the Colts own them, but I still feel they are totally for real, and that Mike Nolan was the most important pick-up of the offseason.
2.) Indianapolis Colts (5-0)
I kept to my word from last week. The Saints went out and beat what I thought was the 3rd best team, and the Colts had a bye, so I had too. This team still can be every bit as juggernautish than the Saints, and although their offense is not quite as good and versatile, their defense will, in the end of the year, be beter. Reports are they will get Hayden, Sanders and Charlie Johnson (which would be like the old Ravens suddenly getting McAllister, Reed and Ogden) back, so this team should only get better.
1.) New Orleans Saints (5-0)
I said if they beat the Giants convincingly they would vault back to number one. I keepmy word. That was mighty impressive. They remind me of the 1999 Rams: an exceptionally explosive team in both running and passing, but with an underrated defense. That Rams team allowed jus 242 points. Now, this team is probably not as good defensively, but they are close. They can force turnovers, they can get pressure. They can play really, really well on that fast track. And the final similarity, they play in a loud dome. They Eddie Jones dome in St. Louis used to be a raucous dome, before you know, the whole team started collectively resembling a batch of bad diarrhea. The Superdome hosts the best crowd in the NFL, and it will be fun for us when people go there for the Playoffs, and a nightmare for that team that plays them.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Starting QB Rankings
With the QB position looking loaded right now, with a ton of young, promising guys, I've decided to rank the QBs. This is not a ranking of thier careers, or their supposed brilliance (see: Brady, Tom), but a ranking of how they play today and what their future holds. This is essentially a ranking of who a GM would take if they did a league wide draft. I took the starting 32 QBs (with Josh Johnson as my Tampa Bay QB and Derek Anderson as my Cleveland QB (like it really matters, because those guys, and the guys they replaced all suck pretty badly)). Here we go, from the bottom to the top.
30.) Jake Delhomme - CAR (34)
28.) Josh Johnson - TB (23)
27.) JaMarcus Russell - OAK (24)
26.) Shaun Hill - SF (29)
25.) Matt Cassel - KC (27)
24.) Trent Edwards - BUF (25)
23.) Marc Bulger - STL (32)
21.) Chad Henne - MIA (24)
20.) Kyle Orton - DEN (26)
19.) David Garrard - JAX (31)
18.) Matt Stafford - DET (21)
17.) Matt Hasselbeck - SEA (34)
16.) Brett Favre - MIN (40)
15.) Tony Romo - DAL (29)
14.) Kurt Warner - ARI (38)
13.) Donovan McNabb - PHI (32)
12.) Matt Schaub - HOU (28)
11.) Eli Manning - NYG (28)
10.) Matt Ryan - ATL (24)
9.) Carson Palmer - CIN (29)
8.) Jay Cutler - CHI (26)
7.) Aaron Rodgers - GB (25)
6.) Joe Flacco - BAL (24)
Tier 1: The Great Guys
5.) Tom Brady - NE (32)
4.) Philip Rivers - SD (26)
He is easily better than that guy he was traded. His stats show it, his record shows it. Now, he has a talented team, but his wideouts aren't that great, and LT and Gates have a weird tendency to get their persons injured in the playoffs, so he does not have reliable targets. Why the world seems to always consider them to be the most talented team in the NFL astounds me. He however is really talented. His throwing motion is as jerky as Charles Barkley's golf swing (if that was a foreign reference, google Sir Charle's golf swing), but the balls get there. He is, surprisingly, one of the best down-field throwers out there. Above it all, he is only 26, and is getting better. Now, I would love to see him lift his team in a big game, but I feel that this Chargers team is soulless and unliftable. Phil Rivers is a stud though.
3.) Ben Roethlisberger - PIT (27)
2.) Drew Brees - NO (30)
Tier 5: The Awful Guys
32.) Kerry Collins - TEN (36)
Honestly, had Vince Young been the starter, which I have been expecting for a while now, it would be the same team here at the bottom spot. Kerry Collins was a great story, but that's all. He was not a great QB last year. His stats were pedestrian, and now that the team has decided to stop playing becuase they are actively campaigning for healthcare (they better be doing something useful, since they did not do anything useful on the field), Kerry Collins true colors have emerged. As he aged, he lost that fastball he used to be able to throw, and all the years of heavy drinking and partying (I know, Kerry Collins, who knew the guy used to love Budweiser) have definitely caught up with him. All these factors have been brewed perfectly into that brilliant 2-12 for -7 yard day he put up yesterday.
31.) Derek Anderson - CLE (26)
He's still young, so there is that. But, he has no tangible skills to develop. God knows how he had that year two years ago. I think all of Cleveland knows what a fucking mirage that 10-6 year was. Rumor has it that Romeo Crennel actually ate the talent on that team, but if not he definitely waterboarded Anderson to give up his abilities (Romeo's scheme to get himself out of the hell wasteland that is Cleveland). Its sad to see what was a half-legitimate talent just die like this, but I'm sorry, when you go 11-41 in two games, and neither of them were in snowy blizzards (even then, that's pretty bad), its inexcusable. What is more ridiculous is that Brady Quinn cannot get on the field even with this schmuck in front of him.
30.) Jake Delhomme - CAR (34)
Ohhh, Jake. He of the 5-3 playoff record. He of the great hometown accent, and hometown grit. He of the unbelievable ability to throw interceptions. It all started in that divisional game last year. He wasn't all that great before that too, but he was at least mediocre (which is good enough for like 18 on this list). He was awful in that game, but we all gave him the benefit of the doubt, becuase he was so darn nice. That was a mistake. He legitimately looked like he feared for his life this September, but alas, he alienated the fanbase in Carolina so much they already disowned that team and moved onto to the Tar Heels. Go Ed Davis!!!
Tier 4: The Bad Guys
He too, like Derek Anderson, is young. He too, is not good. His stats miscast him as an average player, but we all know that is not true. That team has given up on him, and each week it seemingly hits a new low. He has, this year, led his team (which has a good RB, excellent TE, and a above average receiving corp) to 9 points against STL, 14 against Detroit and 16 against Tampa. That is what gets you here, below the two nearly god-awful QBs next.
28.) Josh Johnson - TB (23)
The management at Tampa (ha, that's a lie.... Tampa obviously has no management on that team, I mean Raheem Morris, really? Really?) has no faith in him, since they drafted a Josh in the first round just a year later in Josh Freeman. Johnson has looked semi-competent in his brief stint the past two games, but I'll use the Freeman draft decision to really evaluate him. Johnson was a second round pick. He had to be pretty bad to invest a 1st round pick, and 1st round QB money the next year. That seemed oddly analytical by my part, and I like that analysis. There is no evidence that he is worse than the fat tub of brine next, but that alone is enough to drop him.
27.) JaMarcus Russell - OAK (24)
He's fat. He sucks. He somehow has been the butt of more jokes than Ryan Leaf (no one, ever, ever, a fucking trillion times ever, will be worse than Ryan Leaf, but anyway). And yet, he's not worse than five other guys. He had a much better year last year in '08 than people will think. He was not as horrendous last year as the beginning of this year. In fact, he outperformed Joe Flacco in the second half of '08. People have to realize the conditions he dealt with when he put up three awful games this year. He was missing his best o-lineman (Robert Gallery), his best RB (McFadden) and his best receiver (Chaz Schilens. Honestly that is a guy, and remember that name when he comes back, and if your fantasy receivers suck (really suck, like worse than Collins suck) then pick him up). JaMarcus's ceiling is higher than most of the people immediately below him, but, even though I have tried to make everything all glass half-full, he has not shown any readiness to play to that ceiling. Also, he has not shown any readiness to stop eating. Put down the fucking ham sandwich, JaMarcus!! PUT IT DOWN!!
26.) Shaun Hill - SF (29)
He has no discernable skills. He does not have a great arm, or great touch, or great movement, or a great QB sounding name (there is a reason why Johnny Unitas was a great QB, and Doug Pederson was not. I mean, would you want Doug Pederson to be your QB? No, no you would not. Don't lie). Shaun Hill just wins games. He is 10-5 as a starter, and when you think he has not had the best of teams, has no great o-lineman, and overrated Running Back and very average receivers (Josh Morgan, anonymous fast black guy #2, small, shifty white guy #3 like a Drew Bennet of Kevin Curtis). He's a good "football player" as they say, which is code for a game manager who is not a great QB, but is competent enough to not get in the way of the better parts of his team.
25.) Matt Cassel - KC (27)
I wanted to put him lower, but he has shown signs of life the last two weeks. I'll go out and say this, when I do my end-of-season rankings, he will be below JaMarcus and that money that he got will be one of the bigger wastes of money in the NFL. He is nowhere near the QB he was perceived to be last year. Everyone went apeshit about him last year, when he was playing alongside Randy Moss (a guy that made Jeff "What the hell is a screen pass.... just go deep running back" George a probowler), and against a smorghesboard of absolutely godawful teams (STL, KC, OAK, SF, SEA, DEN, BUF). He was not worth it at all. Honestly, this was one of the bigger hoaxes of the century, and Scott Pioli's genius card should be revoked for byeing into the hype when he witnessed it firsthand. Yet, there are an astounding seven QBs worse than him right now and for the future, and that is purely depressing.
24.) Trent Edwards - BUF (25)
When are we going to get to QB who is actually respectable. Trent Edwards is the perfection of being average. He is not a good QB. He can throw the short underneath stuff, but that does not fly when both your receivers go deep all the time (one becuase he's fast, one becuase he's a bitch and doesn't give a shit what the route is that he is supposed to run). He loses to people that go 2-17 in a game. He gets replaced by some guy from Harvard and gets outplayed. That's fine if he replaced you in Trivial Pursuit or Backgammon. This is the NFL. That's cliche, but honestly Fitzpatrick probably integrated hydrocycloid's in college. I'm sure all of Stanford is mad, becuase it seems that Harvard is even better in producing NFL QBs now.
23.) Marc Bulger - STL (32)
He's fine if this was 2003. This is not. He is a shell of himself becuase his team could not protect him from a swarm of protozoa let alone NFL rushers. He has injured that shoulder, which used to be connected to a real, live arm. He is still capable enough to get you two wins a year, and maybe make a play every now and then. But, honestly, there is a big difference between him, and the guy right below. The only reason he is a starter is that he is owed alot of money, becuase that organization sucks ass at evaluating talent. There is also the reason of Kyle "I'm sorry Master Ray, I'm sorry" Boller being his backup.
Tier 3: The Upside and Average Guys
He has been Delhomme-esque the last three weeks, but he is still a rookie. Yet, I don't have the best feeling about his future. He has a spunk and a moxie that will help him in New York, but i'm not sure he is a physical specimen, which is required to throw through the tough wind and conditions in New York. I put him on this teir becuase he showed flashes that make him at least better than the guys above. He has some ability, plus he's the next Limbaugh special, in that "the media is desirous for a Latino QB to do well in this league" and that's true with him. Little Pablo Castro in Miami needs Sanchez to succeed, or he will never get a chance.
21.) Chad Henne - MIA (24)
Boy, was he really, really good in that Monday Night Game. This guy is 2-0 as a starter. Sure, it was against the Bills and Jets, but who cares. That still makes him better than the Sanchize. Honestly, they should trade for each other. Sanchez will be great in Latino-heavy Miami. I mean, their part owners are Gloria Estefan, Marc Anthony and Jennifer Lopez. They will fawn over the cute little latino that is Mark Sanchez. Chad Henne has the arm ability (and the life ability, being that he is not from California and went to Michigan) to play in adverse conditions. Come on, Mike Tannenbaum and Bill Parcells, make this happen.
20.) Kyle Orton - DEN (26)
He, like Shaun Hill, is a guy who just wins games. I find it absolutely hysterical that he was 10-5 as a starter as a rookie for the 2005 Bears, and Bears fans rejoiced when Rexy came back from injury. I'll bet you want a do over, don't you Bears. Actually, you don't since your QB is a little bit higher up. Kyle is a better version of Shaun Hill. He has skills. He has a good arm, and a good college pedigree. Purdue may be a weird school, and in the middle of nowhere, but it can produce NFL QBs. Josh McDaniel's knew what he was doing. Not entirely, since he got rid of Cutler, but at least he got this guy in return and not Cassel.
19.) David Garrard - JAX (31)
He had a nice little heyday back in 2007. He has his moments, like when he torched Tennessee a couple weeks ago (which now seems like it is not too hard to do). He is beloved by his players and his coach. And, he had Crohn's disease, so its hard not to root for him. He would be a real near-star if he played in a different market, say, San Diego or Dallas. However, I will always love him since he was one of the three black QBs in Jacksonville a few years ago, and the comedy in that was unending. In that note, thank you, Byron Leftwich and Quinn Gray as well. Actually, we have the reunion in Tampa Bay right now, with Leftwich and the Joshes, so the Jacksonville three look more and more like trailblazers. He has really good stats for his career, with an insanely low INT% (2.0) and a very yard-per-attempt (6.9) and average to good aggregate stats, like yards, tds and the like. He is the super-game manager, and if the rest of that team was better, he would be a perennial pro-bowler. However, they are not, and he does not have the ability to lift the rest of his team like most of the QBs below him.
18.) Matt Stafford - DET (21)
I know it is insanely early, but I like what I see. He has already created a pretty good rapport with Megatron, and has a great young arm. However, since he has played all of three games, I cannot honestly give you statistical proof of his upside, so I have to go a new direction. His name. I am a big supporter of the name theory: Great NFL players have names that are great names for NFL players. Sure Ed Reed is a great player, with great instincts and great speed and all that shit, but that is a baller name for a safety. Randy Moss is a great name for a WR. Stafford is a great name for a QB (although it would be better if it was Matthew Stafford). QBs often have the double letter in the middle of their names (Manning (plural), Gannon, Starr, Flacco, Theismann, Plunkett), and normal first names (except for Peyton, they are all common: Joe, Steve, Rich, Tom, Jim, Brett). Matt Stafford fits both, unlike our good friend in the beginning JaMarcus Russell. He will be great. Detroit might end up screwing him over, like New Orleans did to Archie Manning, but either way, this guy has a future.
17.) Matt Hasselbeck - SEA (34)
I love Matthew. He's funny. He has a hot wife (not Elisabeth, but Matthew's wife) and adorable kids. He is one of the most likable guys in the world. From 2002-2007 he had one of the best runs of the decade. He can still go off when he's healthy, and is a great fantasy option as a backup, but at 34 he does not stay healthy like he used too. He is still very talented on a team with talented WR's, and can put up huge humbers when he stays upright (2007: 4,000 yards 28 tds), but every other year since 2006 he's missed games. I love him, and I am stoked when he plays, but that O-Line is not very good. Bad o-line and old QB is not a good combination, but this guy made most of an opportunity, is a great leader, and many teams would love him for the twilight of his career.
16.) Brett Favre - MIN (40)
This guy is the opposite of Matthew Hasselbeck, other than they are both old. He's not lovable anymore, as he has shown himself to be a prostitute, available to the highest bidder. He has become a tyrant in his necessity to takeover the offseason with his ludicrous retired-unretired shit. Honestly, if I were a team, I would make my o-lineman go low on him, and end this national nightmare forever. It should be done for good. Everyone hates it, he has now become the equivalent of a cockroach in Green Bay, and he is now when of the most reviled athletes. However, after all that, he is a money-making machine (for himself and the franchise's revenue), and is a pretty effective QB in September and October. I just warn all my Viking fans to not print out Super Bowl tickets. He was 8-3 a year ago, and then reenacted the career of Akili Smith in front of our eyes for the next five games. It will happen again, he is 40 after all.
15.) Tony Romo - DAL (29)
I'm surprised he got so high, since he is as overrated as the sky is blue. But, that is the NFL today. He had one good year, and three awful ends of seasons. Thankfully, this year he has started to play badly before the end of the year. He makes some absolutely awful, completely asinine throws at times, like last year in the last game at Texas stadium when he could not stop throwing up punts for Ed Reed, and the first game in Jerry's house of self worship, when he did the same for Kenny Phillips. However, he has talent, and he can play a little. He is not bad in the game-manager type role, but we expect more than that from a guy who threw 36 tds two years ago. He has upside, but quietly he is getting up there in age and that is the difference between him and the other stat guys like Rodgers and Cutler. Romo has probably maxed out talent wise at 29, while the others have room to grow.
14.) Kurt Warner - ARI (38)
He's extremely old and even-more extremely fragile. His hands seem to be made of golden yarn, becuase they are soft, can fumble alot and have a tendency to get broken, but are beautiful. He is playing like Rich Gannon did in 2001-2002 for Oakland, which is a good thing. He is throwing short high percentage throws, and is not the same guy that once directed the greatest show on turf, but that does not matter. He can still win games. Also, he has at least one more year left, which we cannot say the same for Favre. That is the tiebreaker between the two gray-beards. Also, he's not 40. 40 is a long way away from 38. Two underrated facts about Warner, he only started to play major NFL minutes at age 28, so he has the wear and tear of a 34 year old in a 38 year old body. The other one is that he is a devout Christian, so he does not have those alcohol and sex related aging that so many others (see: Tony Romo, I'm sure) has. He can play, and play at a high level, as long as he wants too, and remains intact.
13.) Donovan McNabb - PHI (32)
He has stupid, stupid moments. No, not like admitting to now knowing about ties, but doing stuff like calling a timeout when he does not have any, and the tendency to play like crap every now and then. But when he is on, there are few better. He has the talent still to be a top-10 QB. What drives him down is that he has alot of mileage on that body, and has been injury prone. He was healthy last year (physically, not mentally), but got hurt each year from 2005-2007. He has had a very good career, and is the QB for Philly (shut up, Philly fans, the boy can play), but he cannot crack that last level anymore.
Tier 2: The Good Guys
12.) Matt Schaub - HOU (28)
He used to be only fantasy good.... and he is only fantasy good. But, he is fantasy brilliant now. He routinely puts up great numbers, and most of the losses, especially the two that were on failed goal-line stands, were not his fault. He played good enough for this team to be 5-1, and remember he does not play defense for that team. They are good enough to make the playoffs, and with him directing the offense, I will not bet against them in round 1. What puts him at the bottom of the tier becuase I don't think he has once led a fourth-quarter comeback. He has not been that good in close games, and has not willed his team to win like everyone has done before him.
11.) Eli Manning - NYG (28)
I can hear the screaming from the Giants fans. I understand it. He was the QB of arguably the greatest postseason run of all-time. Yet, he has a major, major flaw, and that is why I cannot put him higher. He is not good when he is pressured. Actually, everyone is not good against pressure. I'll rephrase that, he is awful against pressure. Time and time again he gets flustered when he is pressured, and suddenly loses that poise. He seems to never step into his throws when he is pressured, and that leads to alot of interceptions. I have to say that he has moments when he looks like a top-10 QB, but it is too inconsistent. Even with a great team performance early last year, he barely cracked the 60% cmp% (for the first time) and had a rating of only 86.4 That is a good rating if you are David Garrard (and a cause for a celebration if you are Shaun Hill), but when you were traded for Rivers, Merriman (who at least was good for a while... those damn steriods, ruin our best, most arrogant players) and Keading you better be really, really good. He got his super bowl, so he will be beloved like Namath, but he is nowhere near as good as that monster contract he signed.
10.) Matt Ryan - ATL (24)
He's a tad overrated. His stats were not all that better than Joe Flacco's last year, and he look flustered in that playoff game. However, he made the playoffs as a rookie, and unlike Flacco and Big Ben before him, he did not have an all-time defense to lead on. Plus, Tony Dungy compares him to a young Peyton Manning. Now, this is blasphemous in most levels, but when Tony Dungy says it, and Tony Dungy, if you have not heard, is basically seated on the Left Hand of the Lord so his word is gospel. He has a great future, and I will give him this: he was put into the worst situation outside of playing in Jacksonville, and has succeeded.
9.) Carson Palmer - CIN (29)
He's finally healthy. Now, he's played some good defenses like Baltimore, Pitt, Denver and Green Bay so his numbers are a little down, but he is back. He has one of the best arms in the NFL. He may not have the touch that some of those guys have below him, but he still can make throws if you tied up his legs and blindfolded him. He may be secretly aging (he'll be 30 come playoff time), so he won't improve talent wise, but his peak has already been reached and it is already really, really high. This man was once the clear number three in the league, then the Pittsburgh playoff game happened. I still cannot watch that clip. I'm sure had that not happened, they would have beaten Pittsburgh, and Palmer would be on his way to the hall of fame. That why I go to sleep and poke knives into my Kimo von Ollhoffen (sp?) voodoo doll. That guy changed the course of QB history. Thank god Palmer approached what he once was, becuase had he not, I would probably go out and kill Kimo.
8.) Jay Cutler - CHI (26)
The stupidest headline of the year has been the revising of the Cutler-Orton trade. Sure Denver is now 6-0, but they are doing it with defense. They would not be worse with Cutler. They probably would be better. Had the had Cutler, they say maybe lose one game along they way. I am sure the world would consider the 5-1 Broncos with Cutler better than a 6-0 Broncos team with Orton. The Bears scare people now, and it is becuase of this guy. He has all the physical tools, and is improving his game management skills. I'm pretty sure every QB who has even thrown for 4500 yards has become a star, and Cutler has just begun. For his experience (now his 4th year), he is still young enough to improve dramatically. Suddenly, I am getting really, really excited about the QB future of this league.
7.) Aaron Rodgers - GB (25)
Two QBs in the same division who will be stars. This guy may, just may, make people turn Brett Favre into a devil. Had Rodgers been a bust, Favre would continue to be worshipped. Thank God that did not happen. Bless you, Aaron. This guy is a better version of Matt Schaub, and that is him at 25 in his second year. This guy has more upside than anyone in the top-10, but he has not been good at all in close games. It is not all his fault, as last year he had what looked like striped lemurs playing defense, but he has to improve in crunch time. All that said, this is a bad, bad man. He has all the tools, a surprisingly huge arm, great accuracy and is, as said, still young enough to improve dramatically to Favrian levels (yes, I fucking said it).
6.) Joe Flacco - BAL (24)
Why is he above Ryan? Becuase he is better. He was as good for much of last year, especially at the latter half of the season, and he has evolved into a great, great QB this year. He has played well in close games. He is absolutely fearless under pressure. Much of that has to do with his being enormous, but still, he stands into pressure and throws seeds all the time. His arm is great, and not great like JaMarcus "I can throw from endzone to endzone" Russell's arm, but in a good way. He has touch, he has loft, he has arm speed, he is 6-6 so he has big legs (I've heard that helps). Also, he does not have the greatest weapons. Derrick Mason, Mark Clayton and the corpse of Todd Heap does not scare anyone, yet he piles up numbers. He is very good in close games, and has the moxie of a future hall-of-famer. Plus, he shaved off the unibrow, so we can finally take him seriously aesthetically.
Tier 1: The Great Guys
5.) Tom Brady - NE (32)
This is probably the shocker, but I feel absolutely confident. If this was a career retrospective, he's right behind Peyton, but it is not. I would not want him before the guys 1-4 in the future. He is coming off a major knee surgery, and ask Carson Palmer: no one ever comes back as good. He is quietly 32 years old, so he has peaked as a player physically. Finally, and this is the biggest part, he was never as good as this world made him out to be. 2007 was a mirage. It was the perfect storm, with the perfect receivers. He is still a very good QB, and his stats are most admirable even if you take out 2007, but he is not one of the greatest of all time anymore. The Brady - Manning debate is now pointless. Don't be fooled with that last game against Tennessee. Tennessee quit completely the second they got off the bus. Receivers were so wide open he could not help but throw TDs. Either way, this is my most controversial (well, after putting JaMarcus anywhere but last). He is a weird QB. His statistical success is not related to his team success (apart from 2007). When he was winning super bowls, and having more media members suck his dick at once than even Brett Favre, he was not all that good. His defense carried him. In fact, there are tons of similarities between his beginning and Ben Roethlisberger's first five years. Anyway, he's a hall-of-famer, he's a great one, but his best play is behind him. Winning Super Bowls is behind him, and he is not my first, second, third or fourth choice.
4.) Philip Rivers - SD (26)
He is easily better than that guy he was traded. His stats show it, his record shows it. Now, he has a talented team, but his wideouts aren't that great, and LT and Gates have a weird tendency to get their persons injured in the playoffs, so he does not have reliable targets. Why the world seems to always consider them to be the most talented team in the NFL astounds me. He however is really talented. His throwing motion is as jerky as Charles Barkley's golf swing (if that was a foreign reference, google Sir Charle's golf swing), but the balls get there. He is, surprisingly, one of the best down-field throwers out there. Above it all, he is only 26, and is getting better. Now, I would love to see him lift his team in a big game, but I feel that this Chargers team is soulless and unliftable. Phil Rivers is a stud though.
3.) Ben Roethlisberger - PIT (27)
He's finally putting up the numbers people seemed to think that he never could and he is still not getting credit. This guy has had the most impressive first five and a half years to start a career in NFL history, and it is not totally about that defense. He was 13-0 as a rookie. Even if the '85 Bears were your defense, you would expect a Mark Sanchez 5 ints fuck-a-thon at least once. Did not happen, until he played an all-time great team in the Pats. He then won two super bowls in four years, threw for 32 tds in a year, and became the second best 4th quarter QB in the league. He is totally fearless against the rush. Sure, he holds the ball too long and takes too many stats, but that also allows him to make plays no one can make. He is also young, and considering it seems like he has been around forever, that is an underrated trait. I would love to have him for the prime of his career, which he has not even reached yet. This guy has comparable numbers to Tom Brady through 5 years, and has the ability to do whatever he wants. He is insanely good, and it is really hard to put it into words. This guy has already locked his spot into Canton, and at this point history is his main competition. Now, after all that, there are two better QBs currently and for the future.
2.) Drew Brees - NO (30)
It is ironic the top 2 are both in their 30's, but that's how it is. This guy plays like a guy years and years younger, and alot of it has to do with the fact that he is so quick with his release, he barely gets sacked (about 1.2 a game). He is putting up what could end up being hall-of-fame numbers, and he is in the perfect system to do it. Yet, is he really surrounded by talent? I say, Drew is the guy raising the level of play of that offense. Marques Colston, Devery Henderson, Lance Moore, Jeremy Shockey, Robert Meachem, Reggie Bush, Pierre Thomas, Mike Bell, this is not exactly murderer's row. This is a case of a QB spreading the wealth, and finding the place that fits his abilites perfectly. He is innately brilliant with his reading of the field, knowing defense and all that shit. It is odd, because he is from Purdue, but it seems the BoilerMakers teach football IQ alot better than normal subjects (yeah, that's right Anil and Swath). He is not overly physical, so I doubt he will get alot worse in the next coming years, and those players around him will gel with him more and more. We may be looking at the second coming of the Greatest Show on Turf, and thank god he got away from the Black Hole of emotion that is San Diego. Great Job by the San Diego GM AJ Smith, he picked Rivers and Tomlinson over Brees and Turner: the NFC South thanks you. Drew Brees, the ultimate fantasy QB, and an underrated real-life QB in those intangible categories.
Tier 0: The Legendary Guy
1.) Peyton Manning - IND (33)
Anybody else? This guy, at 33, is playing the best football of his life. 2 of his top 4 targets from last year are gone, and were replaced by a Division 3 guy with a French name and a Mormon (that's not a joke, a real lfe fucking mormon), and all he is done is put up unconsciable stats. He is on pace fo 5300 yards, and the 3rd highest QB rating of all time (his 2004 season is number 1). He is completing a godly 73.5% of his passes. That's right, three percentage points above the NFL record. He is already a top-5 all time QB in the Super Bowl era, and now he is literally playing for history. He is already well on his way to a record 4th MVP, is my frontrunner for the Super Bowl, is finally getting the reputation as the best 4th quarter last minute drive QB in the league (which he has been the best for years anyway), and has easily passed Tom Brady in even the most homerish Pats fans minds. This is getting scary. I don't care if he is the oldest of anyone in the top-12, he's still the best. He is so cerebral, he should be able to still pile up stats and wins when his physical skills inevitably erode in another four years or so.
Week 6 Review
Byes absolutely suck. This was an insanely boring weekend, where I did not have the chance to see Peyton go carve another secondary. Worse, I had to see Tom Brady carve up a team. That is never, ever fun. Anyway, here we go.
Kansas City 14 Washington 6 (I picked KC (+6.5) : 1-0)
The biggest upset of the year so far is that Jim Zorn was not fired on the spot. I had this scenario in my mind: Jim Zorn goes to shake Todd Haley's hand, Dan Snyder walks up to Zorn while he is on his way, and just slaps him, takes hid Redskins jacket off, and pisses in a cup, and throws said cup in his face. Now, that would be the best Redskins performance all year. The Chiefs did not even play good, but that's all you need against the Redskins. I said it when they were 2-2, and I will go even further now. If the Redskins go 2-14, they will be the worst 2-14 of all time.
Houston 28 Cincinnatti 17 (HOU (+4.5) : 2-0)
I thought before that this was my lock of the week. The Texans are the bizarro Redskins, in that they are probably the best 3-3 team in the NFL. They are, in my opinion, the second best offense in the league behind the Saints. The Colts may be able to score more and all that, but no one, other than the Saints, can move the ball like this team. I am in a fantasy league that has really messed up scoring, where WR are really, really valuable, and I picked Andre Johnson as my top pick. Why? Because that man is a manbeast. That guy is, by far, the best wide out in the NFL. Steve Slaton has had a better year catching than running, but who needs a running game when Matt Schaub puts up 392 yards. Cincinnatti suffered a major, major loss. Not the game itself, becuase this was expected, coming off three straight division games and what not. No, the major loss is that of one Antwan Odom. That is going to hurt. This is still a good team, but one that will probably not win the division. Something is still not right with Carson Palmer. It may be that he has played tough defenses, but I thought he would carve up the Texans porous pass D and turn it into a shootout. Either way, this and the Tennessee game earlier are the real Texans. I still feel that the Texans are an 11 win team, and that they are playoff bound. (My hope is that they go into New England in the first round and beat them in a shootout). They continue to be the ultimate fantasy team, but now they are finally becoming a good actual team.
Cleveland 14 Pittsburgh 27 (PIT (-13) : 2-1)
Fuck you, Josh Cribbs. His return TD kept this from covering. The Browns are absolutely horrible, just awful. How is Derek Anderson the starter. Derek Anderson is many things, but one of them is not a starting level QB. He is 11-41 the last two weeks. Let me repeat that, 11-41. That is levels that, forget FatMarcus, Ryan Leaf has not even reached. Pittsburgh continues to astound me. Ben Roethlisberger has become an amazing deep thrower, and that pass offense is downright explosive. This is not like the Swann/Stallworth days when Bradshaw, who after eating a crabcake and malt whiskey, threw it up and Swann and Stallworth miraculously catched it. This is more like the Manning way of throwing it precisely, and allowing his guys to catch it easily. However, the really interesting part is where Ben put up 417 yards against an awful, awful team and they only scored 27 points. If Brees puts up 417 yards, they score minimum 40 points, and they cover against the Browns. Good to have Troy Polumalu back. That man is one of the best defensive players in the NFL, and having him back healthy makes them, in my eyes, the favorite in the AFC North. I think that the 2008 Pittsburgh defense will show itself, as recent drafts have allowed the loss of Aaron Smith be covered up a little. Here's a prediction, the Steelers will go at least 12-4 and get the number 2 seed.
Baltimore 31 Minnesota 33 (BAL (+2) : 3-1)
What a great, great cover. Of course, I would have won outright if Steve Hauschka did not pull his best Mike Vanderjagt and pull an easy kick. Thanks a whole lot Hauschka, thanks a lot. Now I have to hear another week of the Brett Favre mediagasm, as the media will kindly overlook thier Dancing With The Stars impression that they pulled on defense in the fourth quarter. They were up 27-10 at one point in the 4th quarter, and should have lost. Its not often when that happens, at home, when you are undefeated. Peterson had a nice game, but aside from the one big run, he had another slightly pedestrian performance. Sure, that is a little bit like saying that Marrisa Miller, aside from her perfectly proportioned body, is slightly pedestrian, but hey, I need to say something to make me forget picking Andre Johnson over Adrian Peterson. Sidney Rice is a baller, but I'm starting to think that he was always that good and he just was not trying when Tarvaris was playing QB. I wouldn't play hard if Tarvaris Jackson was throwing me balls. I would rather have Brett Favre throw me Tarvaris Jackson so I could punch him. As for Baltimore, that defense is just not as good. It is not the loss of Rex Ryan. They have survived losing coordinators before and come out even better. The real story is that they have bad, bad corners. Domonique Foxworth should change his name. That is an awesome cornerback name, but he is not an awesome cornerback. Fabian Washington is not any better. This is a 9-7 team waiting to happen. Joe Flacco continues to impress and Ray Rice is making a great Peterson impression. I cannot wait for Minnesota's trip to Pittsburgh next week. They are a good team, but not 6-0 good. An interesting aside: the last time they went 6-0 was 2003 and they ended up 9-7 losing to Arizona with a chance to clinch their division. Now, that is the Minnesota I know, I want that Minnesota back.
Rams 20 Jaguars 23 (JAX (+7) : 3-2)
Yeah, this is a game not worthy of talking about. I'll just say this, I speak for Jacksonville when I say, "please, please move this team to some Portland type place. We don't deserve a team this shitty." The Rams may just win a game this year yet, but I feel like they missed their best chance.
New York (n) 27 New Orleans 48 (NO (-3) : 4-2)
Wow, did I get this game wrong. I picked the Saints to win and cover, but still that was mighty impressive. What happened to the NYG defense. I know they played a AAA schedule for three weeks, but they looked like a AAA team in this game. They got no pressure on Drew Brees, and that is inexplicable for a team that has a deep talented D-Line. The NYG secondary was overmatched and they made Jeremy Shockey look like, well, what they thought Jeremy Shockey would be. As for New Orleans: this is an amazing team. They are the closest thing to the Greatest Show on Turf I have seen since the end of the Rams, and Sean Payton is a perfect Mike Martz, albeit he's a bit thinner and less dickish. They just go up and down this game, time after time. It is like there is no one playing defense on the other side. They can run, they can throw, they can throw everyone in that offense and it looks good. Drew Brees is, god I cannot believe I am going to say this, making a Hall Of Fam push. He may have won just one playoff game, but its not his fault. He is simply amazing. That defense looks electric. I knew they were playing well, but this is the first real offense that they have played, and they made Manning play like Manning circa 2006. They confused a really good O-Line and put constant pressure on the G-Men. The Giants did run the ball so that shows one way you can possibly win against this team.
Carolina 28 Tampa Bay 21 (CAR (-3) : 5-2)
I have nothing to say. Again, Jake Delhomme played bad, but not bad enough that the whole states of Carolina want to collectively give him colonoscpy with a spear. DeAngelo and Stewart finally had a game where they looked like the 2008 version. These are two bad teams. The Bucs don't even deserve a mention, except for that I think the next time you can hire a 32-year old kid without even Coordinating experience I think you should check twice.
Detroit 0 Green Bay 26 (GB (-13.5) : 6-2)
Yup, those are the Lions. I could not have been more confident in a line ever. Even though Green Bay's o-line continues to imitate mimes balleting through a cornfield, they still have more than enough ability to beat a shrew of a team. Aaron Rodgers had a nice fantasy game, and Ryan Grant should patent the "suck my ass off for 50 minutes and then put together 3 good runs so my stats look half respectable" game. He is the all-time performer of that. Well done, Ryan, well done. I still say that this team wins that division, but I will make the following prediction, they will make the Super Bowl in 2010. Super Bowl XLV here we come Green Bay. Detroit will also make the Super Bowl..... in 2040. Super Bowl LXXV here we come, and by that time hopefully Ford will suck even more to bankrupt that Ford family so they sell the team.
Philadelphia 9 Oakland 13 (OAK (+14) : 7-2)
Thank you, thank you. Let me stop to take the first of probably 10-20 bows and victory speeches. I nailed this pick. Oakland gets up for games at a rate of once a month (although I have a strange feeling about next week too), and when they want to, they can play shut down defense. What is even more amazing is that Nnamdi Asomugha was out for most of this game. That just shows that the Raiders have talent, or at least enough to win 8 games. It is a matter of effort. JaMarcus had an average day, and honestly, if the running game clicks, that's all we need. I think people have to remember that not everyone is Joe Flacco or Matt Ryan (what a difference 3 weeks make. I would have put Mark Sanchez in that sentence before). Sometimes, QBs take time to develop. I still think that his best case scenario is a more effective version of Jake Delhomme, but I'll take it for now.
Arizona 27 Seattle 3 (ARZ (+3) : 8-2)
I thought this would be close. I hate even accepting credit for a correct selection. Seattle could not block at all. That was embarrasing and honestly not a total surprise. I failed to see that they were down to their third string LT and are hurt on the O-Line for the 10th straight year. The Matthew deserves better protection, mainly becuase he is easily the funniest NFL player and I am scared that the constant hits on his person will lead to a loss in that innate ability to be funny. I mean, that's what happened to Jay Leno, right?? Arizona was good. I love how Kurt Warner is doing a Raiders 2002 impression with his constant, bordering on annoying, short passes. I mean Larry Fitzgerald caught 13 passes, but for only 100 yards. Those are running back numbers (a really good RB, but nonetheless). That defense played like the late 2008 version, and when they play like that, I feel like this is the best team in the NFC West bar none, especially when the last time we saw San Francisco they were in the process of getting blown out 45-10 at home, and Mike Singletary had unzipped his fly, step one of two until his pantslessness returns.
Buffalo 16 New York (a) 13 (NYJ (-9.5) : 8-3)
Thanks a whole lot Jets. They suckered me in after they beat the Pats, mainly because I love any team that beats the Pats. I seriously develop a huge crush. I mean, I have been having an affair with the Giants ever since SB XLII. Mark Sanchez has sucked the last three weeks. Even JaMarcus never threw 5 picks in a game. That is a Jake Delhomme scenario and that is bad, bad, bad for a Jets fan. I have many Jets fan friends, and thier hope and spirit for their team is admirable, but even they know that this team is not a playoff caliber team at current level. That defense is not Baltimore's of last year. Kerry Rhodes is not Ed Reed and Kris Jenkins is a great player but now he's out for a long period of time, which will most inevitably be filled with many, many depressed trips to the local WaffleHouse, and him becoming the first 400lb player. That will be a situation I will be keeping my eye on. Buffalo won with Ryan Fitzpatrick, but really, they only got 16 points when they were giftwrapped 6 turnovers. Ryan Fitzpatrick went to Harvard and Dick Jauron went to Yale, so we know that when their football ruse ends, they will have long, prosperous careers wherever they want, just far, far away from Buffalo.
Tennessee 0 New England 59 (TEN (+9) : 8-4)
Yup, that was a total quit-job by Tennessee. Were those the actual players, or did they go to the local IHOP, pick 50 people out and let them play. Their not from like Florida, so why did they react to the snow like it was some sort of strain of SwineFlu. That was totally undefendable. As for the Pats, I say this with total confidence: I feel no differently about the Pats today as I did on Saturday. They are a soulless team. That was not true running-up the score, but good lord, did they need to do a 2-minute drill up 38-0 before halftime. I loved how Tom Brady pretended to not know that he had 5 TD's in the second quarter. Bullshit, Tom, Bullshit. He knew, as did Belichick, as did the team. This is not the NCAA's, this is the NFL. I don't think the Colts, or Saints (who are better, by a lot, on offense than the Pats) care about you beating a team that honestly quit after the flea-flicker TD. The true Pats are the ones who barely beat Baltimore. They are better than the team that lost in Denver and nowhere as good as the team that played yesterday. About the Tom Brady injury recovery, he was back before. This is the same Tom Brady. Am I supposed to believe that in the 56th and 57th weeks of his recovery some miracle improvement happened in which he transformed from a bad QB to an amazing one. No, it did not. He's the same, he will always be the Tom Brady circa 2004-2006. 2007 was a mirage, and even with this game, he will come nowhere near those 2007 numbers again.
Chicago 14 Atlanta 21 (ATL (-3) : 9-4)
I thought this game would be bettered played. It was a good, dramatic game, but both teams played as though neither wanted to win. It was pretty reprehensible. Neither team ran for shit, as the two biggest dissapointments of the fantasy season squared off to great effect and Matt Forte and Turner played like the frauds they are. Both Matt Ryan and Jay Cutler made awful throws, but Cutler to Knox is becoming very, very exciting. For those who don't know, Knox was picked in the random pick that was thrown into the Cutler-Orton deal. The Bears and Falcons seem a bit weird, in that they are good teams, but still would probably lose to elite teams, much like the Chargers and Ravens of the NFC. Still an interesting game with two teams with playoff aspirations. I'm just happy NBC did not pick Titans-Pats as the Sunday Night game before the season. Good job, NBC.
Week 6 Playoff Projections
New thing I am adding. This is my playoff projections, where I think each team will qualify for the playoffs based on their current form and future schedule.
AFC NFC
1. Colts 1. Saints
2. Steelers 2. Giants
3. Patriots 3. Packers
4. Broncos 4. Cardinals
5. Bengals 5. Vikings
6. Texans 6. Bears
Kansas City 14 Washington 6 (I picked KC (+6.5) : 1-0)
The biggest upset of the year so far is that Jim Zorn was not fired on the spot. I had this scenario in my mind: Jim Zorn goes to shake Todd Haley's hand, Dan Snyder walks up to Zorn while he is on his way, and just slaps him, takes hid Redskins jacket off, and pisses in a cup, and throws said cup in his face. Now, that would be the best Redskins performance all year. The Chiefs did not even play good, but that's all you need against the Redskins. I said it when they were 2-2, and I will go even further now. If the Redskins go 2-14, they will be the worst 2-14 of all time.
Houston 28 Cincinnatti 17 (HOU (+4.5) : 2-0)
I thought before that this was my lock of the week. The Texans are the bizarro Redskins, in that they are probably the best 3-3 team in the NFL. They are, in my opinion, the second best offense in the league behind the Saints. The Colts may be able to score more and all that, but no one, other than the Saints, can move the ball like this team. I am in a fantasy league that has really messed up scoring, where WR are really, really valuable, and I picked Andre Johnson as my top pick. Why? Because that man is a manbeast. That guy is, by far, the best wide out in the NFL. Steve Slaton has had a better year catching than running, but who needs a running game when Matt Schaub puts up 392 yards. Cincinnatti suffered a major, major loss. Not the game itself, becuase this was expected, coming off three straight division games and what not. No, the major loss is that of one Antwan Odom. That is going to hurt. This is still a good team, but one that will probably not win the division. Something is still not right with Carson Palmer. It may be that he has played tough defenses, but I thought he would carve up the Texans porous pass D and turn it into a shootout. Either way, this and the Tennessee game earlier are the real Texans. I still feel that the Texans are an 11 win team, and that they are playoff bound. (My hope is that they go into New England in the first round and beat them in a shootout). They continue to be the ultimate fantasy team, but now they are finally becoming a good actual team.
Cleveland 14 Pittsburgh 27 (PIT (-13) : 2-1)
Fuck you, Josh Cribbs. His return TD kept this from covering. The Browns are absolutely horrible, just awful. How is Derek Anderson the starter. Derek Anderson is many things, but one of them is not a starting level QB. He is 11-41 the last two weeks. Let me repeat that, 11-41. That is levels that, forget FatMarcus, Ryan Leaf has not even reached. Pittsburgh continues to astound me. Ben Roethlisberger has become an amazing deep thrower, and that pass offense is downright explosive. This is not like the Swann/Stallworth days when Bradshaw, who after eating a crabcake and malt whiskey, threw it up and Swann and Stallworth miraculously catched it. This is more like the Manning way of throwing it precisely, and allowing his guys to catch it easily. However, the really interesting part is where Ben put up 417 yards against an awful, awful team and they only scored 27 points. If Brees puts up 417 yards, they score minimum 40 points, and they cover against the Browns. Good to have Troy Polumalu back. That man is one of the best defensive players in the NFL, and having him back healthy makes them, in my eyes, the favorite in the AFC North. I think that the 2008 Pittsburgh defense will show itself, as recent drafts have allowed the loss of Aaron Smith be covered up a little. Here's a prediction, the Steelers will go at least 12-4 and get the number 2 seed.
Baltimore 31 Minnesota 33 (BAL (+2) : 3-1)
What a great, great cover. Of course, I would have won outright if Steve Hauschka did not pull his best Mike Vanderjagt and pull an easy kick. Thanks a whole lot Hauschka, thanks a lot. Now I have to hear another week of the Brett Favre mediagasm, as the media will kindly overlook thier Dancing With The Stars impression that they pulled on defense in the fourth quarter. They were up 27-10 at one point in the 4th quarter, and should have lost. Its not often when that happens, at home, when you are undefeated. Peterson had a nice game, but aside from the one big run, he had another slightly pedestrian performance. Sure, that is a little bit like saying that Marrisa Miller, aside from her perfectly proportioned body, is slightly pedestrian, but hey, I need to say something to make me forget picking Andre Johnson over Adrian Peterson. Sidney Rice is a baller, but I'm starting to think that he was always that good and he just was not trying when Tarvaris was playing QB. I wouldn't play hard if Tarvaris Jackson was throwing me balls. I would rather have Brett Favre throw me Tarvaris Jackson so I could punch him. As for Baltimore, that defense is just not as good. It is not the loss of Rex Ryan. They have survived losing coordinators before and come out even better. The real story is that they have bad, bad corners. Domonique Foxworth should change his name. That is an awesome cornerback name, but he is not an awesome cornerback. Fabian Washington is not any better. This is a 9-7 team waiting to happen. Joe Flacco continues to impress and Ray Rice is making a great Peterson impression. I cannot wait for Minnesota's trip to Pittsburgh next week. They are a good team, but not 6-0 good. An interesting aside: the last time they went 6-0 was 2003 and they ended up 9-7 losing to Arizona with a chance to clinch their division. Now, that is the Minnesota I know, I want that Minnesota back.
Rams 20 Jaguars 23 (JAX (+7) : 3-2)
Yeah, this is a game not worthy of talking about. I'll just say this, I speak for Jacksonville when I say, "please, please move this team to some Portland type place. We don't deserve a team this shitty." The Rams may just win a game this year yet, but I feel like they missed their best chance.
New York (n) 27 New Orleans 48 (NO (-3) : 4-2)
Wow, did I get this game wrong. I picked the Saints to win and cover, but still that was mighty impressive. What happened to the NYG defense. I know they played a AAA schedule for three weeks, but they looked like a AAA team in this game. They got no pressure on Drew Brees, and that is inexplicable for a team that has a deep talented D-Line. The NYG secondary was overmatched and they made Jeremy Shockey look like, well, what they thought Jeremy Shockey would be. As for New Orleans: this is an amazing team. They are the closest thing to the Greatest Show on Turf I have seen since the end of the Rams, and Sean Payton is a perfect Mike Martz, albeit he's a bit thinner and less dickish. They just go up and down this game, time after time. It is like there is no one playing defense on the other side. They can run, they can throw, they can throw everyone in that offense and it looks good. Drew Brees is, god I cannot believe I am going to say this, making a Hall Of Fam push. He may have won just one playoff game, but its not his fault. He is simply amazing. That defense looks electric. I knew they were playing well, but this is the first real offense that they have played, and they made Manning play like Manning circa 2006. They confused a really good O-Line and put constant pressure on the G-Men. The Giants did run the ball so that shows one way you can possibly win against this team.
Carolina 28 Tampa Bay 21 (CAR (-3) : 5-2)
I have nothing to say. Again, Jake Delhomme played bad, but not bad enough that the whole states of Carolina want to collectively give him colonoscpy with a spear. DeAngelo and Stewart finally had a game where they looked like the 2008 version. These are two bad teams. The Bucs don't even deserve a mention, except for that I think the next time you can hire a 32-year old kid without even Coordinating experience I think you should check twice.
Detroit 0 Green Bay 26 (GB (-13.5) : 6-2)
Yup, those are the Lions. I could not have been more confident in a line ever. Even though Green Bay's o-line continues to imitate mimes balleting through a cornfield, they still have more than enough ability to beat a shrew of a team. Aaron Rodgers had a nice fantasy game, and Ryan Grant should patent the "suck my ass off for 50 minutes and then put together 3 good runs so my stats look half respectable" game. He is the all-time performer of that. Well done, Ryan, well done. I still say that this team wins that division, but I will make the following prediction, they will make the Super Bowl in 2010. Super Bowl XLV here we come Green Bay. Detroit will also make the Super Bowl..... in 2040. Super Bowl LXXV here we come, and by that time hopefully Ford will suck even more to bankrupt that Ford family so they sell the team.
Philadelphia 9 Oakland 13 (OAK (+14) : 7-2)
Thank you, thank you. Let me stop to take the first of probably 10-20 bows and victory speeches. I nailed this pick. Oakland gets up for games at a rate of once a month (although I have a strange feeling about next week too), and when they want to, they can play shut down defense. What is even more amazing is that Nnamdi Asomugha was out for most of this game. That just shows that the Raiders have talent, or at least enough to win 8 games. It is a matter of effort. JaMarcus had an average day, and honestly, if the running game clicks, that's all we need. I think people have to remember that not everyone is Joe Flacco or Matt Ryan (what a difference 3 weeks make. I would have put Mark Sanchez in that sentence before). Sometimes, QBs take time to develop. I still think that his best case scenario is a more effective version of Jake Delhomme, but I'll take it for now.
Arizona 27 Seattle 3 (ARZ (+3) : 8-2)
I thought this would be close. I hate even accepting credit for a correct selection. Seattle could not block at all. That was embarrasing and honestly not a total surprise. I failed to see that they were down to their third string LT and are hurt on the O-Line for the 10th straight year. The Matthew deserves better protection, mainly becuase he is easily the funniest NFL player and I am scared that the constant hits on his person will lead to a loss in that innate ability to be funny. I mean, that's what happened to Jay Leno, right?? Arizona was good. I love how Kurt Warner is doing a Raiders 2002 impression with his constant, bordering on annoying, short passes. I mean Larry Fitzgerald caught 13 passes, but for only 100 yards. Those are running back numbers (a really good RB, but nonetheless). That defense played like the late 2008 version, and when they play like that, I feel like this is the best team in the NFC West bar none, especially when the last time we saw San Francisco they were in the process of getting blown out 45-10 at home, and Mike Singletary had unzipped his fly, step one of two until his pantslessness returns.
Buffalo 16 New York (a) 13 (NYJ (-9.5) : 8-3)
Thanks a whole lot Jets. They suckered me in after they beat the Pats, mainly because I love any team that beats the Pats. I seriously develop a huge crush. I mean, I have been having an affair with the Giants ever since SB XLII. Mark Sanchez has sucked the last three weeks. Even JaMarcus never threw 5 picks in a game. That is a Jake Delhomme scenario and that is bad, bad, bad for a Jets fan. I have many Jets fan friends, and thier hope and spirit for their team is admirable, but even they know that this team is not a playoff caliber team at current level. That defense is not Baltimore's of last year. Kerry Rhodes is not Ed Reed and Kris Jenkins is a great player but now he's out for a long period of time, which will most inevitably be filled with many, many depressed trips to the local WaffleHouse, and him becoming the first 400lb player. That will be a situation I will be keeping my eye on. Buffalo won with Ryan Fitzpatrick, but really, they only got 16 points when they were giftwrapped 6 turnovers. Ryan Fitzpatrick went to Harvard and Dick Jauron went to Yale, so we know that when their football ruse ends, they will have long, prosperous careers wherever they want, just far, far away from Buffalo.
Tennessee 0 New England 59 (TEN (+9) : 8-4)
Yup, that was a total quit-job by Tennessee. Were those the actual players, or did they go to the local IHOP, pick 50 people out and let them play. Their not from like Florida, so why did they react to the snow like it was some sort of strain of SwineFlu. That was totally undefendable. As for the Pats, I say this with total confidence: I feel no differently about the Pats today as I did on Saturday. They are a soulless team. That was not true running-up the score, but good lord, did they need to do a 2-minute drill up 38-0 before halftime. I loved how Tom Brady pretended to not know that he had 5 TD's in the second quarter. Bullshit, Tom, Bullshit. He knew, as did Belichick, as did the team. This is not the NCAA's, this is the NFL. I don't think the Colts, or Saints (who are better, by a lot, on offense than the Pats) care about you beating a team that honestly quit after the flea-flicker TD. The true Pats are the ones who barely beat Baltimore. They are better than the team that lost in Denver and nowhere as good as the team that played yesterday. About the Tom Brady injury recovery, he was back before. This is the same Tom Brady. Am I supposed to believe that in the 56th and 57th weeks of his recovery some miracle improvement happened in which he transformed from a bad QB to an amazing one. No, it did not. He's the same, he will always be the Tom Brady circa 2004-2006. 2007 was a mirage, and even with this game, he will come nowhere near those 2007 numbers again.
Chicago 14 Atlanta 21 (ATL (-3) : 9-4)
I thought this game would be bettered played. It was a good, dramatic game, but both teams played as though neither wanted to win. It was pretty reprehensible. Neither team ran for shit, as the two biggest dissapointments of the fantasy season squared off to great effect and Matt Forte and Turner played like the frauds they are. Both Matt Ryan and Jay Cutler made awful throws, but Cutler to Knox is becoming very, very exciting. For those who don't know, Knox was picked in the random pick that was thrown into the Cutler-Orton deal. The Bears and Falcons seem a bit weird, in that they are good teams, but still would probably lose to elite teams, much like the Chargers and Ravens of the NFC. Still an interesting game with two teams with playoff aspirations. I'm just happy NBC did not pick Titans-Pats as the Sunday Night game before the season. Good job, NBC.
Week 6 Playoff Projections
New thing I am adding. This is my playoff projections, where I think each team will qualify for the playoffs based on their current form and future schedule.
AFC NFC
1. Colts 1. Saints
2. Steelers 2. Giants
3. Patriots 3. Packers
4. Broncos 4. Cardinals
5. Bengals 5. Vikings
6. Texans 6. Bears
Friday, October 16, 2009
Week 6 NFL picks
Sadly the Colts have a bye. Byes really suck. They are just a wasted week. By the time they play again, you forget what the Unis look like, you forget what their o-lineman are, you forget which player was cut for smoking weed again. However, what does not suck, me going 9-5 last week, a good improvement. This week is more of the same, ridiculously high lines and, since teams this year are resigned to play like Div II colleges, they might get covered. What is good is that this week features games that are actually watchable, especially the Sunday/Monday night duo.
Kansas City @ Washington (-6.5)
This is not one of those aforementioned watchable games. That is a ridiculously high line for the worst 2-3 team of all time. The Redskins suck, plain and simple. Jason Campbell is lost. The Head Coach might be fired before I finish writing this sentence. Albert Haynesworth frequents buffets like PacMan Jones frequents Minxxx strip club (I miss the PacMan). They really are an embarrasment to the NFC East, and the district that is Columbia. On the other side, Kansas City is a team bad enough that they managed to lose that Cowboys game. Matt Cassell seems to be crapping his pants every pass play becuase they cannot block for shit. Larry Johnson is the first RB to washed up at 26. I mean even Shaun Alexander made it to 30, and my five year old next door neighbor could tackle Shaun. Both of these teams have no redeemable qualities and this game will probably go a long way in deciding who gets the right to blow another draft pick (has anybody seem Tyson Jackson? Anybody?). I have no reasoning for this game, other than it is completely inexplicable how the Skins can be favored by that much.
Cheifs 13 Redskins 16 (KC)
Houston @ Cincinnatti (-4.5)
Good game and a good line. I think Cincy is a little bit worse than that record and Houston has the potential to be a top-10 team any week. When will they show that potential, probably three head coaches from now, but still, the threat is scary. Carson Palmer and Chad Ochocinco historically start to go off right about now (like in 2006 where Chad had a scary 5 week run), and Houston is the team to do it against. Cincinnatti probably is primed for a let down after last weeks emotional win against Baltimore, but being back home should energize that crowd. I still like Houston, but if they drop to 2-4 its probably over. I have a weird feeling that Houston wins this game, and that this will be the game that I though Houston-Arizona should have been, a fun shootout for the entire game.
Texans 31 Bengals 27 (HOU)
Cleveland @ Pittsburgh (-14)
God, that is a scary line. Pittsburgh seems to be on auto-pilot against bad teams, evidenced by their nondescript 8 point win against Detroit. However, Derek Anderson went 2-17. Just imagine that. In the NFL, most QB's would complete around 12 of 17, so Anderson failed 10 more times than an average QB. JaMarcus hasn't even had games like that (don't worry, he's trying hard too, and he's not far away). They traded their only good offensive player. Their defense has no playmakers. Is it really that hard to build a team in the NFL?
Browns 6 Steelers 24 (PIT)
Baltimore @ Minnesota (-3)
Now we're talking. This is a game. The Vikings really have not played anyone impressive (SF would have been impressive if they hadn't just lost by 35 at home) and are, in my opinion, nowhere near 5-0. Also, Brett Favre is due for a 14-30 133yds 1 td 3 int game, and the Ravens are the team that can do it. They will shut down Peterson, get points on that overrated defense (what the fuck happened to the Williams wall??) and force Favre into mistakes. Ed Reed is ready to do it again. I also fear for Brett Favre seperating both shoulders, tearing his rotator cuffs, labrums and spleen when Haloti NGAH-TAHHH comes crashing through. Honestly, is there anything more fearsome than a 340 pound 6'4" Somoan?? No, there is not. The honeymoons over Minnesota. Hopefully Favre has banged you all enough times, because those days are done.
Ravens 27 Vikings 17 (BAL)
St. Louis @ Jacksonville (-10)
I am starting to think I spoke to soon about their being "good" games this weekend. Also, is there anything more embarrasing than being a 10 point underdog to a team who just lost 41-0? The only thing more embarrasing would be for Tom Brady to start petting goats again, but those days seem like they're gone. Jacksonville is a completely schizophrenic team. They lost by 41 after beating Tennessee by 20. They have no real stars except for MJD, but against the Rams that is enough. Word is that Marc Bulger is back. On a sad note, that ends the run of Kyle "Brian Billick, please don't shoot me for sucking dick when we had a historically great defense" Boller. enoyed it immensely.
Rams 17 Jaguars 30 (JAX)
New York (n) @ New Orleans (-3)
This is a bueaty. Probably the best matchup of the year, and what will go a long way in deciding who the #1 seed is. I really have no objective way of figuring this game out. Both teams are excellent. Both teams can play every conceivable type of football. The crowd in the Dome goes bonkers, and the Giants probably are the best road team in the NFL. I have no idea, so I'm just going to flip a coin. Literally, here's a Nickel. Sidenote: why is Jefferson on the Nickel? Who decides this? It should be in importance. Like, George Washington is on the $1 bill. What the fuck? He's the father of this here damn United States, he should be on the $100. Here's my new rankings:
$100 - G. Washington - explained above
$50 - A. Lincoln - unlike Grant who was an awful President, Lincoln was a gamer, who kept ut as 50 states because of his reconstruction efforts, so its only fitting.
$20 - T. Jefferson - Andrew Jackson is not a bad choice, but TJ wrote our Declaration. He deserves more than the two dollar bill.
$10 - Andrew Jackson - because the 10 is the party bill (drinks, shots, beer etc. all around 10), and Andrew Jackson was baller enough to hold a public party in the White House.
$5 - FDR - nor sure why. Just fits.
$1 - Bill Clinton - because you use ones in the strip clubs.
Anyway, the nickel came up Jefferson sides up, and since Jefferson orchestrated the Louisiana Purchase, gotta go with New Orleans.
Giants 20 Saints 27 (NO)
Carolina (-3) @ Tampa Bay
Our first road favorite, and you know why? Becuase Tampa Bay is a joke of a football team. It is amazing that they won a super bowl this decade. Their best record since they won that super bowl: 11-5 in 2005, and have not won one playoff game since the Super Bowl. These are the teams that have won more than 11 games or at least one playoff game since 2002: Patriots, Jets, Colts, Titans, Jaguars, Ravens, Steelers, Cheifs, Chargers, Broncos, Giants, Cowboys, Eagles, Saints, Panthers, Falcons, Packers, Vikings, Bears, Seahawks, Cardinals and Rams. The Bucs are just an afterthought. They should never have let Tony Dungy go, or Jon Gruden go, or allowed the NFL to continue past 2002. The Panthers aren't much better, although they can at least play the game of football at a NFL level.
Panthers 24 Buccaneers 17 (CAR)
Detroit @ Green Bay (-13.5)
Man, is this another high, high line. Detroit is not all that bad, but the Packers are on a bye, at home and need to make a statement that they are good and can still compete for that division. Plus, Daunte is playing, and I'm not ever going to bet on Culpepper in a road game in a cold weather city. They could have made this line 20 and I would still go the Packers. The Packers have the defensive ability to shut the Lions offense down and allegedly have the ability to play offense. They could not block me, but the Lions don't have me; the Lions have guys worse so that won't be a problem.
Lions 10 Packers 35 (GB)
Philadelphia (-14) @ Oakland
What has happened to the Raiders? They are getting 14 at HOME. Had Al Davis been alive, he would have gone beserk and started firing people immediately. I love Al, and he has been one of the greatest owners in GMs in NFL history, but sadly that history ended in 2002 also. This team has the talent to make this close, like they did in Week 1 when they hosted the Chargers. Teams that can run can destroy the Raiders (as can most teams that can pass, protect the quarterback or just have a quarterback that is in any way ept), but Philly is not a good running team. Every year the Raiders seem to win one weird game at home when no one expects it (2008 - NYJ, 2007 - DEN, 2006 - PIT, 2005 - DAL). This line is too ridiculously high for something weird not too happen. Plus the Raider way is to play well when everyone thinks you're a bunch of toddlers, and make people regain hope only to then go on and lose 5 more in a row. This is my upset special of the year, and I think I am the only person in America (or the Universe or even the Underworld and most of Purgatory) that will pick this upset.
Eagles 17 Raiders 20 (OAK)
Arizona @ Seattle (-3)
This will be an underrated game. Both of these teams are within one game of the NFC West team, and I have absolutely no faith in the niners ability to hold off either of these two. Gun to my head (and I think people may be putting one after that last pick), I think these are the two best teams in the NFC West, or at least the two with the highest upside. The key for the Hawks is for the Matthew to stay healthy, because, frankly, I think we have all had enough of Seneca Wallace. It looks like he is healthy and Matthew to Houshmanzadeh looked dynamite. The Cards seemed to get their offense on track last week, but then collapsed in the second, but manned up on D when they had too. Seattle has one of the few legitimate home-field advantages left with raucous Qwest field and the 12th man. People say the noise comes from the design of the building, I say BS. It comes from the coffee and that is so obviously the answer. Anyway, the NFC West gets real interesting with a Seattle either way. Its really hard to pick this game, and I think it will be close, but in the NFC West, strange things happen all the time. I will not be shocked if Larry Fitzgerald has a 15 catch 250 yard day, and I will not be shocked if Matt Hasselbeck comes out to midfield wearing a wig. Total toss up.
Cardinals 27 Seahawks 23 (ARZ)
Buffalo @ New York (a) (-9.5)
Isn't 9.5 a little high for a team coming off two straight losses? No, no it is not. The Bills have scored 13 points the last two weeks combined. They just lost to Derek Anderson when he had a historically bad day. Dick Jauron honestly looks like he died three weeks ago, and the team is sending a taxidermisted version of him out there. The Jets are probably not as good as the world thought after they beat the Pats (mainly because neither are the Pats), but come on, any self-respecting teams crushes the Bills in this game. Mark Sanchez also needs to win one before he starts to lose confidence. Plus, that defense will be angry, and when Rex Ryan gets angry, he conconcts crazy blitz schemes that will make Trent Edwards hemmorage. Well first, actually Rex Ryan goes to Dunkin Donuts, but then concocts schemes.
Bills 13 Jets 27 (NYJ)
Tennessee @ New England (-9)
How is this line not higher. New England is everyone's darling team, and Tennessee is 0-5. You know why? because Tennessee is nowhere near as bad as 0-5, and New England is not that good. This is my other hunch game. The Titans won't win, but it will be close. The Titans can run the ball on New England. New England is so desperate they got Junior Seau back. It's sad really, Junior was in the middle of his Bingo Game and had a Shuffleboard tournament up next. New England cannot get any pass rush, and the Titans do block well. Other than the loss to Indy (totally understandable since Indy is great) and the Jags (I'll give them a pass, becuase shit happens), all their games have been close. New England looked dead last week. Here's a stat. Here are their points in the second half of games this year - 18 (crazy ones in that Bills game), 0, 13, 10, 0. Their offense is not clicking. This is why I love the mainstream media, who is too busy sucking Bill Belichick's dick and fondling his balls, and their Pats bias. Before the season started there was a wave of "Brady looked great in preseason, he's totally back. That offense is dynamite. 35 tds easily" and now that he has not they have all changed their tune to "I told you Brady will take time, but he's going to take off." He's not going to take off ever. Why? This is not 2007. Randy Moss is not the same. They don't have a 3rd receiver. Their line has become worse. Tom Brady is not the 2007 version. That was a mirage. This is the real Tom Brady. This is the 2009 Patriots. A good, but not great team, that will play close games, and win their fair share of them. Plus, Chris Johnson will go crazy. I hope they get a play where they match him and Junior Seau up one-on-one.
Titans 20 Patriots 23 (NE)
Chicago @ Atlanta (-3)
Quietly, these teams are both 3-1. Atlanta has looked more impressive in their wins, especially last week when they trounced the fightin' Mike Singletary's by 35 in the bay. Chicago looked better in its loss, when they got beat close unlike Atlanta who collectively decided not to board the plane to Foxboro and send their scout team instead. This was a great game last year, and I expect the same. However, the Bears are a bad matchup for Atlanta. They have the ability to take Turner out, and make Ryan beat them. Ryan is a great young QB, and maybe in 3 years he can do that, but I'm not quite sure yet. Cutler has been great, and you can pass on the Falcons (unless you are Shaun "please, coach, I really don't want to see you ass again. Coach, please pull your pants up. You smell, did you wipe?" Hill). However, these Prime-Time games in cities that rarely get prime-time games have a strange tendency to have really strange things happen to the home team.
Bears 17 Falcons 24 (ATL)
Denver @ San Diego (-3.5)
Here is more evidenve of the hypo-tron that are the Chargers. They are 2-2, looked lifeless in their "big-game" against Pittsburgh. They are infighting more than the couple in trailer #2, where Jim slept with Jamey's sister. Shawne Merriman really needs to go back on the roids, although if he does, he will actually kill Tila Tequila this time. Norv Turner better not get to comfortable. LaDainian Tomlinson, you sir are done, like Shaun "I feel like falling down after two inches becuase I cannot rip my petticoat" Alexander circa 2007 done. It's over. By the way, the Chargers have made two huge personnel decisions the last 5 years, keeping Rivers and trading Brees and keeping LT and trading Michael Turner. I think when the players you gave up single-handedly revitalized football in their respective places, I think you chose wrong. I would much rather have Brees and Turner than the Rivers-LT platter. Denver is for real. However, after all that hating on San Diego, it is time for San Diego's patented 40 point explosion that makes everyone think that they are legit. It won't be a huge one, since Denver's D is too good, but nonetheless, it is time for the Broncos to stop being undefeated, and it is time for the world to start the "Chargers are the most talented team" bandwagon up again.
Broncos 16 Chargers 23 (SD)
Season: 45-31
Kansas City @ Washington (-6.5)
This is not one of those aforementioned watchable games. That is a ridiculously high line for the worst 2-3 team of all time. The Redskins suck, plain and simple. Jason Campbell is lost. The Head Coach might be fired before I finish writing this sentence. Albert Haynesworth frequents buffets like PacMan Jones frequents Minxxx strip club (I miss the PacMan). They really are an embarrasment to the NFC East, and the district that is Columbia. On the other side, Kansas City is a team bad enough that they managed to lose that Cowboys game. Matt Cassell seems to be crapping his pants every pass play becuase they cannot block for shit. Larry Johnson is the first RB to washed up at 26. I mean even Shaun Alexander made it to 30, and my five year old next door neighbor could tackle Shaun. Both of these teams have no redeemable qualities and this game will probably go a long way in deciding who gets the right to blow another draft pick (has anybody seem Tyson Jackson? Anybody?). I have no reasoning for this game, other than it is completely inexplicable how the Skins can be favored by that much.
Cheifs 13 Redskins 16 (KC)
Houston @ Cincinnatti (-4.5)
Good game and a good line. I think Cincy is a little bit worse than that record and Houston has the potential to be a top-10 team any week. When will they show that potential, probably three head coaches from now, but still, the threat is scary. Carson Palmer and Chad Ochocinco historically start to go off right about now (like in 2006 where Chad had a scary 5 week run), and Houston is the team to do it against. Cincinnatti probably is primed for a let down after last weeks emotional win against Baltimore, but being back home should energize that crowd. I still like Houston, but if they drop to 2-4 its probably over. I have a weird feeling that Houston wins this game, and that this will be the game that I though Houston-Arizona should have been, a fun shootout for the entire game.
Texans 31 Bengals 27 (HOU)
Cleveland @ Pittsburgh (-14)
God, that is a scary line. Pittsburgh seems to be on auto-pilot against bad teams, evidenced by their nondescript 8 point win against Detroit. However, Derek Anderson went 2-17. Just imagine that. In the NFL, most QB's would complete around 12 of 17, so Anderson failed 10 more times than an average QB. JaMarcus hasn't even had games like that (don't worry, he's trying hard too, and he's not far away). They traded their only good offensive player. Their defense has no playmakers. Is it really that hard to build a team in the NFL?
Browns 6 Steelers 24 (PIT)
Baltimore @ Minnesota (-3)
Now we're talking. This is a game. The Vikings really have not played anyone impressive (SF would have been impressive if they hadn't just lost by 35 at home) and are, in my opinion, nowhere near 5-0. Also, Brett Favre is due for a 14-30 133yds 1 td 3 int game, and the Ravens are the team that can do it. They will shut down Peterson, get points on that overrated defense (what the fuck happened to the Williams wall??) and force Favre into mistakes. Ed Reed is ready to do it again. I also fear for Brett Favre seperating both shoulders, tearing his rotator cuffs, labrums and spleen when Haloti NGAH-TAHHH comes crashing through. Honestly, is there anything more fearsome than a 340 pound 6'4" Somoan?? No, there is not. The honeymoons over Minnesota. Hopefully Favre has banged you all enough times, because those days are done.
Ravens 27 Vikings 17 (BAL)
St. Louis @ Jacksonville (-10)
I am starting to think I spoke to soon about their being "good" games this weekend. Also, is there anything more embarrasing than being a 10 point underdog to a team who just lost 41-0? The only thing more embarrasing would be for Tom Brady to start petting goats again, but those days seem like they're gone. Jacksonville is a completely schizophrenic team. They lost by 41 after beating Tennessee by 20. They have no real stars except for MJD, but against the Rams that is enough. Word is that Marc Bulger is back. On a sad note, that ends the run of Kyle "Brian Billick, please don't shoot me for sucking dick when we had a historically great defense" Boller. enoyed it immensely.
Rams 17 Jaguars 30 (JAX)
New York (n) @ New Orleans (-3)
This is a bueaty. Probably the best matchup of the year, and what will go a long way in deciding who the #1 seed is. I really have no objective way of figuring this game out. Both teams are excellent. Both teams can play every conceivable type of football. The crowd in the Dome goes bonkers, and the Giants probably are the best road team in the NFL. I have no idea, so I'm just going to flip a coin. Literally, here's a Nickel. Sidenote: why is Jefferson on the Nickel? Who decides this? It should be in importance. Like, George Washington is on the $1 bill. What the fuck? He's the father of this here damn United States, he should be on the $100. Here's my new rankings:
$100 - G. Washington - explained above
$50 - A. Lincoln - unlike Grant who was an awful President, Lincoln was a gamer, who kept ut as 50 states because of his reconstruction efforts, so its only fitting.
$20 - T. Jefferson - Andrew Jackson is not a bad choice, but TJ wrote our Declaration. He deserves more than the two dollar bill.
$10 - Andrew Jackson - because the 10 is the party bill (drinks, shots, beer etc. all around 10), and Andrew Jackson was baller enough to hold a public party in the White House.
$5 - FDR - nor sure why. Just fits.
$1 - Bill Clinton - because you use ones in the strip clubs.
Anyway, the nickel came up Jefferson sides up, and since Jefferson orchestrated the Louisiana Purchase, gotta go with New Orleans.
Giants 20 Saints 27 (NO)
Carolina (-3) @ Tampa Bay
Our first road favorite, and you know why? Becuase Tampa Bay is a joke of a football team. It is amazing that they won a super bowl this decade. Their best record since they won that super bowl: 11-5 in 2005, and have not won one playoff game since the Super Bowl. These are the teams that have won more than 11 games or at least one playoff game since 2002: Patriots, Jets, Colts, Titans, Jaguars, Ravens, Steelers, Cheifs, Chargers, Broncos, Giants, Cowboys, Eagles, Saints, Panthers, Falcons, Packers, Vikings, Bears, Seahawks, Cardinals and Rams. The Bucs are just an afterthought. They should never have let Tony Dungy go, or Jon Gruden go, or allowed the NFL to continue past 2002. The Panthers aren't much better, although they can at least play the game of football at a NFL level.
Panthers 24 Buccaneers 17 (CAR)
Detroit @ Green Bay (-13.5)
Man, is this another high, high line. Detroit is not all that bad, but the Packers are on a bye, at home and need to make a statement that they are good and can still compete for that division. Plus, Daunte is playing, and I'm not ever going to bet on Culpepper in a road game in a cold weather city. They could have made this line 20 and I would still go the Packers. The Packers have the defensive ability to shut the Lions offense down and allegedly have the ability to play offense. They could not block me, but the Lions don't have me; the Lions have guys worse so that won't be a problem.
Lions 10 Packers 35 (GB)
Philadelphia (-14) @ Oakland
What has happened to the Raiders? They are getting 14 at HOME. Had Al Davis been alive, he would have gone beserk and started firing people immediately. I love Al, and he has been one of the greatest owners in GMs in NFL history, but sadly that history ended in 2002 also. This team has the talent to make this close, like they did in Week 1 when they hosted the Chargers. Teams that can run can destroy the Raiders (as can most teams that can pass, protect the quarterback or just have a quarterback that is in any way ept), but Philly is not a good running team. Every year the Raiders seem to win one weird game at home when no one expects it (2008 - NYJ, 2007 - DEN, 2006 - PIT, 2005 - DAL). This line is too ridiculously high for something weird not too happen. Plus the Raider way is to play well when everyone thinks you're a bunch of toddlers, and make people regain hope only to then go on and lose 5 more in a row. This is my upset special of the year, and I think I am the only person in America (or the Universe or even the Underworld and most of Purgatory) that will pick this upset.
Eagles 17 Raiders 20 (OAK)
Arizona @ Seattle (-3)
This will be an underrated game. Both of these teams are within one game of the NFC West team, and I have absolutely no faith in the niners ability to hold off either of these two. Gun to my head (and I think people may be putting one after that last pick), I think these are the two best teams in the NFC West, or at least the two with the highest upside. The key for the Hawks is for the Matthew to stay healthy, because, frankly, I think we have all had enough of Seneca Wallace. It looks like he is healthy and Matthew to Houshmanzadeh looked dynamite. The Cards seemed to get their offense on track last week, but then collapsed in the second, but manned up on D when they had too. Seattle has one of the few legitimate home-field advantages left with raucous Qwest field and the 12th man. People say the noise comes from the design of the building, I say BS. It comes from the coffee and that is so obviously the answer. Anyway, the NFC West gets real interesting with a Seattle either way. Its really hard to pick this game, and I think it will be close, but in the NFC West, strange things happen all the time. I will not be shocked if Larry Fitzgerald has a 15 catch 250 yard day, and I will not be shocked if Matt Hasselbeck comes out to midfield wearing a wig. Total toss up.
Cardinals 27 Seahawks 23 (ARZ)
Buffalo @ New York (a) (-9.5)
Isn't 9.5 a little high for a team coming off two straight losses? No, no it is not. The Bills have scored 13 points the last two weeks combined. They just lost to Derek Anderson when he had a historically bad day. Dick Jauron honestly looks like he died three weeks ago, and the team is sending a taxidermisted version of him out there. The Jets are probably not as good as the world thought after they beat the Pats (mainly because neither are the Pats), but come on, any self-respecting teams crushes the Bills in this game. Mark Sanchez also needs to win one before he starts to lose confidence. Plus, that defense will be angry, and when Rex Ryan gets angry, he conconcts crazy blitz schemes that will make Trent Edwards hemmorage. Well first, actually Rex Ryan goes to Dunkin Donuts, but then concocts schemes.
Bills 13 Jets 27 (NYJ)
Tennessee @ New England (-9)
How is this line not higher. New England is everyone's darling team, and Tennessee is 0-5. You know why? because Tennessee is nowhere near as bad as 0-5, and New England is not that good. This is my other hunch game. The Titans won't win, but it will be close. The Titans can run the ball on New England. New England is so desperate they got Junior Seau back. It's sad really, Junior was in the middle of his Bingo Game and had a Shuffleboard tournament up next. New England cannot get any pass rush, and the Titans do block well. Other than the loss to Indy (totally understandable since Indy is great) and the Jags (I'll give them a pass, becuase shit happens), all their games have been close. New England looked dead last week. Here's a stat. Here are their points in the second half of games this year - 18 (crazy ones in that Bills game), 0, 13, 10, 0. Their offense is not clicking. This is why I love the mainstream media, who is too busy sucking Bill Belichick's dick and fondling his balls, and their Pats bias. Before the season started there was a wave of "Brady looked great in preseason, he's totally back. That offense is dynamite. 35 tds easily" and now that he has not they have all changed their tune to "I told you Brady will take time, but he's going to take off." He's not going to take off ever. Why? This is not 2007. Randy Moss is not the same. They don't have a 3rd receiver. Their line has become worse. Tom Brady is not the 2007 version. That was a mirage. This is the real Tom Brady. This is the 2009 Patriots. A good, but not great team, that will play close games, and win their fair share of them. Plus, Chris Johnson will go crazy. I hope they get a play where they match him and Junior Seau up one-on-one.
Titans 20 Patriots 23 (NE)
Chicago @ Atlanta (-3)
Quietly, these teams are both 3-1. Atlanta has looked more impressive in their wins, especially last week when they trounced the fightin' Mike Singletary's by 35 in the bay. Chicago looked better in its loss, when they got beat close unlike Atlanta who collectively decided not to board the plane to Foxboro and send their scout team instead. This was a great game last year, and I expect the same. However, the Bears are a bad matchup for Atlanta. They have the ability to take Turner out, and make Ryan beat them. Ryan is a great young QB, and maybe in 3 years he can do that, but I'm not quite sure yet. Cutler has been great, and you can pass on the Falcons (unless you are Shaun "please, coach, I really don't want to see you ass again. Coach, please pull your pants up. You smell, did you wipe?" Hill). However, these Prime-Time games in cities that rarely get prime-time games have a strange tendency to have really strange things happen to the home team.
Bears 17 Falcons 24 (ATL)
Denver @ San Diego (-3.5)
Here is more evidenve of the hypo-tron that are the Chargers. They are 2-2, looked lifeless in their "big-game" against Pittsburgh. They are infighting more than the couple in trailer #2, where Jim slept with Jamey's sister. Shawne Merriman really needs to go back on the roids, although if he does, he will actually kill Tila Tequila this time. Norv Turner better not get to comfortable. LaDainian Tomlinson, you sir are done, like Shaun "I feel like falling down after two inches becuase I cannot rip my petticoat" Alexander circa 2007 done. It's over. By the way, the Chargers have made two huge personnel decisions the last 5 years, keeping Rivers and trading Brees and keeping LT and trading Michael Turner. I think when the players you gave up single-handedly revitalized football in their respective places, I think you chose wrong. I would much rather have Brees and Turner than the Rivers-LT platter. Denver is for real. However, after all that hating on San Diego, it is time for San Diego's patented 40 point explosion that makes everyone think that they are legit. It won't be a huge one, since Denver's D is too good, but nonetheless, it is time for the Broncos to stop being undefeated, and it is time for the world to start the "Chargers are the most talented team" bandwagon up again.
Broncos 16 Chargers 23 (SD)
Season: 45-31
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