ALCS Game 6 Running Diary

I'm doing this because I have a 102 fever and I can't really do anything else, so let's go. Here on TBS (Fuck, that's not a good start).

8:06 - Craig Sager is reporting to start us off. He's wearing a purple suit/tie combo. Craig should really go back to those ridiculous multi-colored suits, because his monochromed suits are even worse. He reports that we are starting on time. Thanks, Barney the Dinosaur (because he's wearing purple, not because he's gay and extinct).

8:08 - The Yankees lineup gets introduced. They are starting Brett Gardner, Jorge Posada and Marcus Thames. Why were the Yankees even the favorite in this series?

8:09 - The Ballpark in Arlington is quite nice. It is cramped and intimate, and green, and that is just Hamilton's crack den in the bleachers (just kidding, I love Hamilton to death). The cameramen flash to a beautiful young Rangers fan. I'm pretty sure that that was not a coincidence. Colby Lewis, your Texas starter, used to pitch for the Hiroshima Carp. That's probably not a good sign, although CC loves Carp.

8:11 - Jeter up to bat. Grounds out. One pitch, one out. I running diaried 2 Yankees games last year, and they went 0-2. I probably should have just done this in the Twins series. Curtis Granderson is next up.

8:13 - Granderson walks. Robbie Cano is up. He's an interesting case. If he was on any other moderately successful team, like the White Sox, no one would give two shits about him. Since he's a Yankee, people lactate at the sight of the guys "sweet" swing.

8:15 - That sweet swing just popped out lazily to left field. A-Roid up. He's hitting a nice .176 in the ALCS. 2009 feels like a LOOONG time ago for the roid, who is absolutely fooled by a hanging curveball.

8:16 - The announcer whose name I don't know yet says "A-Roid usually doesn't miss those [the hanging curveball] when he's going good." I'm pretty sure he meant "when his steroid cycles are going good."

8:18 - Granderson is caught stealing after a bullett throw by Bengie Molina, who continues to hurt the Yankees more than steroid testing did.

8:19 - The first ad of the day: Fosters. Thank good that these ads are back. This one wasn't particularly good. Something about a gold digger. Either way, the world is a better place when Fosters is actively advertising on American television.

8:20 - Next up is Tace Bell's XL Chalupa which features Mariano Rivera, who has all the acting chops of Nick Cage on depressents (or as it is also known, Nick Cage on Tuesday).

8:21 - Phil Hughes, the man with the "exploding fastball" (as Ron Darling puts it), is pitching. That fastball was not very exploding-y when he was shelled like a lobster in Game 2. Elvis Andrus is the first batter up for the best offense in the MLB.

8:23 - Andrus starts off with a double, hit off one of Hughes' "exploding fastballs". Ron Darling will have to be our Tim McCarver for the night.

8:25 - Jorge Posada goes out to talk to Phil Hughes. It's been one half inning and the Yankees are already having catcher-pitcher conferences. They cut to Sabathia on the bench, who looks like he wants to eat Phil Hughes, or at least Hughes' leathery-glove.

8:27 - Hamilton, the real MVP of the AL is up. He's honestly the white Pujols at this point. Every pitch seems like it could be a home run. If that guy never touched drugs, he would have probably been the next Mickey Mantle. Of course, if he never took drugs, he wouldn't have been so fun or interesting. Also, he probably would have taken roids. Either way, he lines a base hit to left. 1st and 3rd, one out, Vlad up.

8:29 - Darling tells us that in this exact situation, the Rangers pulled of a double steal to score a run. Leave it to the Yankees to not be able to stop that, as they probably spend too much time kissing George Steinbrenner's monument plaque while getting hundreds shoved up their ass to practice fundamentals. Vlad grounds out, and the Rangers score. Good start for the Rangers.

Rangers 1-0 on Vlad's RBI groundout.

8:32 - It is early, but these TBS commentators just don't say enough dumb shit. Get on it TBS. Don't you know that's how you get ratings. Just look at ESPN. Nellie Cruz flies out, and one inning is done.

8:33 - Lexus' next idea is a car that never has an accident. I'm no consultant, but I would like to tell Lexus that that goal might be unattainable given that 80% of your drivership are Asian drivers.

8:35 - Now there's an ad for some product called "safetouch" which features two talking attic liners. This has to be what people do when they snort cucumber seeds.

8:37 - The Roid is robbed of a single by a leaping catch by Elvis Andrus. Oh, A-Rod, if only you were on roids, that would have cleared Andrus' leap. Fucking shame, ain't it.

8:38 - Lance Berkman is up. As another former Astro, my hope for this game is the Yankees lose 10-8, and Berkman hits two Grand Slams. Berkman flies out to Hamilton. The Yankees are batting with all the urgency of a team who has collective golf reservations for Four PM tomorrow.

8:39 - Swisher is up, and he's hitting .105 in the ALCS. This is the second straight year he has sucked perineum in the postseason. Ron Darling is telling us that Bengie Molina signs pitch and location at the same time. I would say something sarcastic, but for a Molina, that is actually hard. Not because he's Mexican, but because he's so fat that he barely can show more than one finger at the same time when he's crouched. That's a tight squeeze.

8:42 - UPS is advertising their ability by using a song hailing their logistics. I can't belive I am going to say this, but what happened to the white board guy. What, was he too corny? What can Brown do to me? He can bring back the whiteboard guy.

8:43 - The "Language of the Game" segment is brought to us by Foster's. It's nice that an Australian Beer is paying for ad time in a baseball, something they don't watch. That's like if Coors started sponsoring the 3rd umpire in cricket, or if Budweiser sponsored M. Night Shyamalan's next movie.

8:44 - David Murphy is next up. He was the guy who was infamously intentionally walked as the go-ahead run before Bengie Molina homered back in Game 4. On the bad intentional walk scale, that is one step above intentionally walking David Eckstein.

8:46 - Ron Darling offers up our first dumb comment, calling Hughes' change-up "like a Western telegram, you always know it is coming." Fuck, Ron, just because you are on TBS doesn't mean you have to talk like Ted Turner is your only viewer.

8:48 - Some Nissan commercial is backgrounded by Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries." Now, this is appealing to your Asian consumer base. Don't offer a car that doesn't get into accidents. Just play orchestra music.

8:50 - Jorge is up here in the top of the third, and immediately flies out on the first pitch. Maybe that golf reservation is for today at midnight, because the usually patient Yanks seem to be in quite a rush, because they have taken about as many pitches as Ron Washington has taken cocaine breaks. As I say that, Marcus Thames takes one pitch before grounding out. At least that is Marcus Thames. You can't expect him to take pitches.

8:52 - Colby Lewis got 4.62 runs of support per game. Phil Hughes got 7.56. That is why wins as a stat are about as important as "how many Molina's could you bench." Colby Lewis strikes out Brett Gardner. Again, its fucking Brett Gardner. What do you expect? Lewis still has a "0" underneath the "hits" column.

8:56 - Our first mention of "Lopez Tonight." Still no mentions of Conan's show. Does Conan realize that he just pushed Lopez's show to "tomorrow", the exact same offense that he accused NBC of trying to do to him?

8:59 - Mitch Moreland draws a walk from Phil Hughes. The Rangers' #9 hitter is more patient than 8 of 9 Yankees. Again, why were the Yankees such a favorite in this series?? Andrus grounds out, but advances Moreland. Fundamentals, bitches. Fundamentals.

9:01 - The camera pans out to the bullpens, which are draped with ads for JCPenney and Snapple. God, even the fucking bullpens are sponsored. What's next? Are they gonna sponsor the mound, the rosin, each bat. Actually, I cannot believe no player has sold his bat as advertising space.

9:02 - Jorge Posado comes out for another chat with Phil Hughes. They are going to intentional walk Hamilton. Not sure why that required a catcher visit. Phil Hughes throws a wild pitch on an intentional walk. My lord, are the Yankees about to give up this game. Joe Girardi comes out, just to slap Hughes, presumably.

9:05 - Vlad gets fooled by a curveball. Honestly, Vlad just hacks. How the hell is he a lifetime .315 hitter. It makes no sense. He swing is as loose as Bengie Molina is fat.

9:06 - Joe Girardi looks sad and depressed. Maybe he finally realized that this series is making us all realize that he had as much to do about the Yankees 2009 title as Hedeki Matsui's porn stash (callback alert).

9:09 - Conan ad! Conan ad! It was a boring one, with just him saying to watch his show. The Conan show will be great for one reason. His the pitiable kid now. All the big funny stars will flock to his show, kind of like how all the girls fuck the kid who's car was stolen, or some shit.

9:11 - Jeter grounds out to the pitcher, and Joe Girardi continues to look like he's watching Ron Washington do a line of coke off his wife's ass. I have never seen a manager who is only down by one run look as depressed.

9:13 - Granderson walks, again. I love how none of the Yankees who usually have plate discipline haven't taken pitches, but Granderson, who looks like he has a ferret up his ass, he's so energized, has drawn two walks.

9:14 - Cano hits into a double play. The Yankees still haven't gotten a single (word that rymes with "shit" - no way I am going to jinx it). E*Trade ad is on. The white baby and black baby are watching the ad with the wildebeest's mating. Can they go back to shankasaurus? Or the one with the dog and the baby hiding his computer under his blanket. Or something but two babies watching two wildebeests fuck.

9:17 - I shit you not, the next ad was one for "RainX wipers." Windshield wipers. Are normal companies that poor that the a fucking windshield wiper company can afford an NLCS ad?

9:19 - Phil Hughes is having trouble locating his fastball, as he throws four straight balls. He's also having trouble locating his barbershop. Cut your hair, Phil. You're not nearly as good looking as Tom Brady to make long hair semi-acceptable.

9:20 - David Murphy pops out in foul territory. Again: This is a guy who Joe Girardi decided to intentionally walk in order to face known Yankee killer (and patty eater) Bengie Molina. He's hit four home runs in his career against the Yankees. David Murphy has four career hits against the Yankees.

9:23 - Phil Hughes throws over to first base to hold Kinsler three straight times. After seeing his wild pitch on an intentional walk, I would not let Hughes throw the ball any more times than necessary.

9:26 - Phil Hughes is doing this "hold the baserunner" charade on an 0-2 count. How about you just get the batter out, Phil, instead of fucking around with Kinsler. It is for this illegitimate shit that I hate the Yankees.

9:27 - Phil Hughes throws over to first for the sixth time. There is a better chance Aly Hannigan comes charging through my door pulls my clothes off, and takes me to LA to have a threesome with her and....thinking about the second name as Phil Hughes throws to first one more time..... Lyndsy Fonseca (why not?!) than Phil Hughes picking off Ian Kinsler.

9:30 - GEICO brings out another ad that I hadn't seen before. The GEICO ad campaign history probably has a 20,000 word Wiki entry. Honestly, remember how it started? The first ads were just people mispronouncing the name "Gecko". Then it became cavemen, and Billie Jean King, in inflatable dolls and other shit. It is a museum unto itself.

9:31 - TBS cuts to Andy Pettitte and Cliff Lee back to back, the potential Game 7 starters. Lee throws up a mouthful of Sunflower Seeds. Pettitte looks so nervous he's mouthing out "Our Fathers". Even the Rangers' Game 7 starter looks calmer.

9:33 - A-Roid pokes a slider for a double to end Colby Lewis' no-hitter. Fucking A-Roid, breaking up no-hitters. I hope he gets vilified for life and exposed as a cheat for that shit.... Oh wait, I forgot that all of that already happened.

9:36 - The ball bounces on the ground and gets away from Molina, and A-Roid scores. The ball clearly hits Swisher, which is why the ball got away. If it was called like it happened, it would be 1st and 3rd, with one out. Instead A-Fraud scores a run.

Yankees score on a rigged-call 1-1

9:38 - The officiating in this postseason has been great compared to that shitstorm that was last year, but that was awful. That was so obviously a hit batter. Fuck the Yankees. 200 Million Dollar payroll and they need this type of borderline cheap shit to score a run?

9:41 - Colby Lewis has to calm down and get out of this inning. Although if I were the pitcher, I would go batshit that some fucking umpire ruined my shutout, and potentially cost us a chance for the World Series. Marcus Thames strikes out (shocker there), and we go to the bottom of the 5th.

9:42 - Here is an ad for BlizzCon, as in the Blizzard gaming convention. My Lord is that too much. Celebrities are showing up for that. So is Tenacious D. What, they couldn't get Nick Carter? Or RATT?

9:46 - Mitch Moreland is hitting .400 in the ALCS, or twice of what A-Roid is hitting. Now he's hitting more, as he gets on with a single right before the top of the order comes to bat.

9:47 - Phil Hughes is now throwing over to first trying to pick off Mitch Moreland. Good fucking Lord. Phil, your pickoffs are not that good. Ron Darling says' bunt it to Berkman, who is less experienced at first than A-Rod is at third." Yeah, cause Berkman's only played 1st base since 2005. You know, playing first base for the Astros is just like playing first base for the Yankees.

9:49 - Phil Hughes seems intent on trying to pick someone off. Elvis Andrus is going to bunt anyway, which makes Phil Hughes' sheninegans all the more unacceptable in this situation.

9:50 - Moreland is advanced to second, as we have a man in scoring position with one out. Good fundamental baseball, or rather, pretty much the opposite of what Nick Swisher just pulled off.

9:52 - David Robertson is warming up in the bullpen. Or let me rephrase that, the eventual losing pitcher if he comes in is warming up in the bullpen. Darling: "Catchers assume that pitchers will hit their glove." Yeah, I think after he threw a wild pitch on an intentional walk, Posada should not just "assume" that.

Rangers score on Guerrero double 3-1

9:55 - Vlad smacks a double off the wall which scores two runs. Two things: 1.) Ron Washington gets so excited when the Rangers can score a run. He looks like, well, a one-time crack user. 2.) Joe Girardi ends Phil Hughes' night and brings in Dave Robertson. Yeah, that's a brilliant idea, bring in the guy that was beat like Josh Hamilton's old crack dealer in Game 4 in.

9:57 - Craig Sager took his jacket off, to reveal to the world just how purple his shirt really is, in case anyone had any doubts. Nellie Cruz in, Phil Hughes out, David Robertson: terrified to death.

9:59 - Joe Girardi looks absolutely terrified. I can totally see him just retiring right after this game ends just to avoid the grilling he will receive the second he comes back to NYC.

Rangers score on Nellie Cruz homer 5-1

10:00 - That's why you don't fucking bring David Robertson into a game that is in the balance. I have to take a break, while I celebrate me being so prescient about David Robertson sucking ass.

10:09- We're back. Brett Gardner leads off with an attempted bunt. I'm pretty sure George Steinbrenner died again, seeing a Yankee bunt down 5-1 in the 6th game of an elimination game.

10:11 - Gardner grounds out. The Yankees have hit all of four balls past the infield. They have two hits. Jeter swings on the 1st pitch and grounds out (I should just shortcut "grounds out" to ctrl+5 or something - you know, save keystrokes).

10:13 - Granderson up, which means the Yankees might actually see some pitches for once. He sees four pitches, as Granderson flies out. Great urgency by the Yanks, who have nine outs left in their season.

10:15 - TMobile tells us that "kids are free" when starting a family network. My guess is that the kids are really only free for about two weeks, or ten minutes whichever comes first.

10:20 - Kerry Wood comes in, an inning too late. This is evidenced by the fact that Kerry Wood retired the side in less time than it took Phil Hughes to throw over to first. This series has definitely not been Girardi's finest moment.

10:23 - TBS is starting some show called "Glory Daze" about rushing college students. Not sure what demographic they are going for. I mean, do college kids watch TBS? Do mothers want to know what their kids are actually doing in college? this just seems like a bad idea.

10:24 - A-Plod swings at the first pitch, and flies out to left field. The Yankees always take pitches. I don't understand it. They were more patient against Cliff Lee who walks about half a batter per month.

10:26 - Berkman slams a triple. Odd that it is the ex-Astro who is having the best at bats in this game for any Yankee. Hopefully he scores here, just so they don't excoriate the nicest guy ever in NYC. Swisher swings at the first pitch, and flies out to left (becoming the 7th inning version of "grounds out"). Again, the Yanks swing at the first pitch. This is like doing everything they've done all year long, but the exact opposite.

10:31 - The "RainEx" ad is on for the second time. This is ridiculous. How much money is in the windshield wiper business that they could afford two ads during an NLCS game. Either that, or the ads are so cheap that a AirTran ad is next.

10:32 - Michael Young smacks a standup double to left field. The Rangers have hit five balls harder than any Yankee has hit any ball.

10:33 - They are intentionally walking Hamlinton. So far, Girardi has intentionally walked three batters. The result: 3-run home run, ground out, 2-run double. In a sport where an average of .333 is really good, I think the fact that the Rangers are hitting .666 off Intentional walks is probably cause to not intentionally walk anyone.

10:35 - Guerrero moves the runners over inadvertently. Girardi then decides to intentionally walks Nelson Cruz. Girardi has the balls of a goldfish.

Rangers score on Kinsler Sac Fly 6-1

10:37 - This series could have been 100% over. Now it is only 98% over, as Kinsler's sac fly gives the Yankees a shred of life. David Murphy is up. Girardi should intentionally walk him too, you know, just for symmetry.

10:39 - Girardi now looks like he just saw his daughter in a porno as he stares desperately onto the field in disbelief that his 200 million dollar payroll cannot do shit against the immortal Colby Lewis. Another loud out as Kinsler flies to right. This game is still pretty much over, but it could have been, you know, actually OVAH.

10:41 - We get the first Men of a Certain Age ad. That was a fantastic show, and not only becuase Ray Romano's daughter in the show has this kind of a "secretly cute" look going. Hopefully she didn't go dye her hair orange, or get a lip ring over the offseason.

10:43 - The Rangers are now 6 outs away, as Colby Lewis is still pitching. It should be 6-0, if not for that blatant missed call, but now that the Rangers have taken it out on the heads of Phil Hughes and David Robertson, I can begin to forgive the home plate ump. In related news, Lewis strikes out Posada on three pitches.

10:45 - Darren Oliver is up in the bullpen. If your remember, he was the guy who ruined the running diary last year when he blew Lackey's 4-0 lead in Game 5 of the ALCS. In related news, "strikes out on three pitches" has become this innings "flies out to left" which became the previous innings "ground out." Maybe next inning, it will be "caught stolen after hit by pitch" or "eaten by CC Sabathia."

10:47 - Ernie Johnson asks "Do you go automatically to Neftali Feliz in the 9th." Considering that Neftali Feliz has a worse "deer in the headlights" look than Bambi's mother, I think you don't. Brett Gardner is walked. This is the exact situation of Game 1, where Gardner started a rally.

10:50 - The Godfather (Derek Je-tuh) strikes out to end the 8th. Derek Jeter at least gets to go home to Minka Kelly tomorrow. Colby Lewis probably has to go home to Matsui's porn stash. 3 outs away.

10:53 - The first NBA ad!!!! Actually, who gives a shit, since LeDelonteFuckedYourMom and Bosh and Wade conspired to fix the league so they could shit around with other. There is no point of a league where the star players would rather team up to win then try to man up and beat each other.

10:55 - So, Ron Washington admitted to taking cocaine in March, and Josh Hamilton used to do lines all the time from 2002-2005. I'm thankful that both have cleaned up their lives, but I guess the message for America is: Don't take crack, unless you have prodigious baseball skills.

10:58 - Mariano Rivera is pitching in this game for some reason. I may not be that great at math (actually I am damn good at math), but being down 6-1 is NOT a save situation.

11:00 - Mo, shokcingly, gets out of the 8th without giving up a run, setting up the ninth inning. Here's the situation. Neftali Feliz will mooch the last three outs of Colby Lewis' mastery, and the Yankees will return to gotham without the ticker-tape parade this time (except for the ticker tape parade in Jeter's bedroom).

11:02 - American Airlines just had an ad, with their great tagline of "We know why you fly." Unless you think I fly because I like to eat stale food, drink maximum of one coke, sleep under a toilet paper roll knitted together, and not watch the in-flight movie because the tvs aren't working, then no, you don't know why I fly, at all.

11:05 - Feliz strikes out the first batter. TBS cuts to a shot of a glum CC. He's probably only sad because he is pitcuring all the champagne the Rangers are about to spew all over the clubhouse and that he can't mooch some into his belly.

11:07 - The not MVP grounds out to first, and A-Bitch (I couldn't think of another rhyme for "rod"), the guy who once had 50% of the Rangers payroll to himself, is the last out. Poetic that it would end this way.

11:08 - One strike away, as A-Fucker cannot catch up to Feliz's 100 mph heat without the help of clear and cream.

11:09 - A-Dick goes down looking, and the Rangers hogpile it up. So at least one half of the World Series will be fresh. This world series will be great either way. Either Oswalt vs the funnest team in baseball, or the Giants vs the funnest team in baseball.

11:10 - That was fun. Seeing the Yankees crumble was all time. I'm guessing Josh Hamilton, he of the .600 OBP for the series, will be your ALCS MVP. Next postseason, I'm running diarying all Yankees postseason games. See if this can get them to lose to the Twins. Thank you for staying along for the ride (I realize that makes no sense, since you're reading this hours later - but my head isn't totally clear after three hours of diarying while fevering). See y'all later (in the World Series, if Oswalt is pitching).

Food on Fire: Live Blogging the Hell's Kitchen Finale

Hell's Kitchen is a nice guilty pleasure of mine, and how could it not be? Food? Interesting Characters? Angry British Guy Screaming Obscenities So Much That It Makes Rex Ryan Look Polite? Hell's Kitchen has got it all. This season has been very, very interesting. There has been a total psycho who admitted to eating raw live calves. There has been a menapausal woman who acted quite whorish at times. There were two african-americans who were hated from the beginning, despite them actually both being talented, which dripped of nice racism. There has been a in-competition romance, and those two are left. The competitors are Jay, a great chef and the prohibitive favorite, and Holly, a curvy, but slightly overrated cook and harlequin. Anyway, here we go, Ramsey's out there, so are the two, and it is ON.

8:02 - So, we start off with a nice little montage, which appropriately shows Jay as a person who can cook, and Holly as a person who likes to wear skimpy clothing and act all cute. I think it is pretty sure by my tone that breasts aren't swaying my decision. Jay really should win this.

8:05 - Jay says confidently "I can beat her." Holly responds with a nice "I will do whatever it takes." Again, I'll take the more confident guy here. For a nice little twist, the chefs will design their own menu for the final, to which Holly is bewildered, saying "I didn't think I'll make it far." Yeah, that's a good sign.

8:07 - Holly says "I'm not sure what the taste of the menu will be. People will say it is French, but I think it is Californian." I'm not sure how you get those two mixed up.

8:08 - They are now in a limo. Jay quips "Chef Ramsay doesn't do anything nice for us." Of course, Jay has to forgetten that every single episode, there is a fucking prize where they get to do fun, expensive shit.

8:09 - The final challenge is the chefs designing five dishes, and it will be judged by five of Ramsay's yes-men (or as he calls it "my executive chefs").

8:10 - "Cooking five dishes in an hour, my head might fall off," Holly says. At least it wouldn't be her boobs falling off, because then she has no shot. Also, why is it always they finish just in the nick of time. No one can finish it 57 minutes, not 59:59.

8:11 - Both present their amoze-buch (not sure what that is, but it seems like a cloudy martini-type thing). Jay wins the first test, and now the cold appetizers.

8:12 - Holly wins the cold appetizer, mainly because the chef had googly eyes for her. Way to let your testosterone get in the way.

8:13 - Holly wins the hot appetizer, and this time a woman was judging, so I have to assume she was a lesbian. Jay wins the fish entree, and even gets a "definitely the better one."

8:14 - The final dish will be judged by who is essentially their future boss. Jay has tater tots in his dish. To me, that would be an immediate DQ, since tater tots are basically first-grade food. Holly tries to flirt her way to a win. Very surprising there.

8:17 - Hell's Kitchen's ad breaks are so predictible, as they go to commercial right before he announces the winner. It would be a bigger surprise if the FOX people actually give out the answer before the challenge. Jay wins. Thank the fucking Lord.

8:19 - Another tradition in the final, Chef Ramsay brings back older chefs that were previously knocked out to be the souz chefs in the final. Jay pick Benjamin, which is a great pick, since he, you know, is the second best chef in the whole damn competition. Holly picks Autumn, who everyone hates. Jay picks Jason, who everyone also hates. It's like the FOX higher-ups told Jay and Holly to stop acting so damn racist.

8:21 - The final pick is between one crazy young bitch, and one crazy old bitch. Jay picks the old bitch. Basically, those two will not decide this competition at all. Siobhan, who is the last pick, needlessly brings up an old grudge and curses out Ben.

8:22 - Back upstairs, they go over their menus. Siobhan says she hasn't cooked foix gras before. That's nice. I think I have. For some reason, Ben is stepping up as the leader, controlling the menu. Jay says, "We have the 'A' team, they have the 'L' team." Not sure what that means, but I still probably agree with him no matter what.

8:24 - Siobhan doesn't know that the center of a flame will give off the most heat. She seems well qualified. She somehow was not kicked off first, which shows that they must intentionally pick bad people with no skills.

8:25 - Chef Ramsay ends act 2 by calling them to his office. They seem scared, but he's probably just handing out a pep-talk, or a camera to film them having sex, which is the only thing that hasn't yet happened on this season.

8:26 - Dinner for Schucks commercial comes on. I have a rule that if you put five really funny people together in a movie, the movie has to be funny. I think I have found my long-awaited exception to that rule.

8:27 - Sprint gives off a nice ad about their unlimited text and web deals. You'll need those, since they have a rarely-quoted very-limited talk deal.

8:28 - FOX is releasing a show called "The Great Food Truck Race" about a race between, you'll never guess, a group of Food Trucks. I love cooking shows, and truck shows, but there is a better chance I will watch Betty White get herself off than watch "The Great Good Truck Race".

8:29 - Chef Ramsay gives them each a trip to Australia for some reason. Was that really necessary? Couldn't they have donated that money, or at least use it to give Chef Ramsay a haircut, or Siobhan a penis-removal surgery.

8:30 - Right before the opening, Jay and Holly share a very awkward half-kiss. Very sweet, like watching two dolphins have sex, but only awkwarder.

8:32 - They gave Siobhan the amuze buch responsibilities. That seems like a good idea Holly. She didn't even know what foix gras is, so it probably isn't a good idea to give her something even harder sounding to do.

8:33 - Fran burns scallop. These guys make it seem so fucking easy to burn food, or cook it raw. It really can't be that hard.

8:34 - Meanwhile, over at the red, everyone is in one big clusterfuck. This could be a Ravens-Patriots type beatdown. Of course, FOX won't let that happen, but just know, it really was that one-sided.

8:36 - Jason screws up the lamb, and of course, everyone gets on his case. Jason is about to self-destruct. Thankfully for Jay, so is everyone in the red kitchen.

8:38 - Drew Barrymore? Average. Justin Long? Past his prime. JIM GAFFIGAN. HOLY FUCK, JIM GAFFIGAN IS DOING A MOOOOOOOOVIE!!!!!!!! (However, they won't let him talk about hot pockets, and seeing from his one word role in the preview, I'm pretty sure he's not good enough to make this movie any good.

8:40 - Jason finally cooks good lamb. It even gets a "so tender" from a very metro-looking customer. What is funny is even after Jason's shitting on lamb, the red kitchen is barely started with their entrees.

8:42 - Jay is smart enough to not yell at Jason, who is a talented cook when he's not being spat at. Jay is really a good chef, and a great leader. If he doesn't win, he should immediately sue Ramsay for sexism.

8:44 - Black on black crime between the true beauty of the season (Autumn - who's slightly bitchy) and Nilka (who's slightly crazy). It ends with gunshots. I mean, it doesn't, but it really should have, just to bring their racism theme full-circle.

8:46 - Finally, an ad for Ramsay's show "Master Chef." Really, Ramsay should be just elected President. He's been able to effectively launch four different cooking-based shows in the US. Sure, "Gordon Ramsay's Cook-a-long Live" is no longer on the air, but that show had Alyson Hannigan and LeAnne Rimes as guest-cooks, which makes that show a perfect 10 for me.

8:48 - FOX shows an ad for a new screwy-family comedy "Raising Hope." Considering it is on FOX, there are only two possibilities. One: Either the show will be great, and thus cancelled in two years (Arrested Development), or piss-awful but stay on the air (American Dad).

8:50 - Somehow, both have just three tickets left. Not sure how this happened, but it seems a little shady. At least to the viewer eye, Jay's team did so much better. They even finished first. Holly's son greets her, accompianed by her "friend" who is also the son's dad. Never really was explained how that all worked out.

8:51 - Another never explained fact: Why do all the chefs smoke? They always light up a cig in the apartment upstairs. Jay and Holly are getting drunk. They could finally close the deal. Of course, FOX won't show us the consummation of their relationship. They can show us "The Great Food Truck Race" but not a little sex?

8:53 - Chef Ramsay is in the office with both of them. They stand in front of their doors. One door will open, and that chef is the winner. Again, it better be Jay. He's the best. The best chef one last year, and should win this year.

8:54 - Predictibly, there is an ad break right before the door is opened. Again, they really should switch it up once, and fuck over all the people who have cracked their ad break code. It will be fun for millions of people who fast-forward through that moment have a "What the shit" look and rewind frantically.

8:57 - And were back. The chef who's door opened is................



8:57 - Holly. This is BULL. She is far from the best chef. She is far from the best looking girl in the history of the show. She is far from the best leader. Whatever. Shit happens. She has to be the least talented winner in the history of the show, definitely worse than past winners Heather and Danny Veltri. Ramsay gives some bullshit reasons to why she is the winner.

8:59 - Till next year.

World Series Game 1 - Running Diary

And we are off. Live from Room 1408, enjoying some nice Asian Noodles from Cafeasia, and needlesly procrastinating on my Calc homework.

Pregame

7:32 - The first Derek Jeter "godliness" comment starts within 30 seconds of the broadcast, with a "the captain of clutch." Oh, I love Jeter. My list of heroes goes 1.) Jeter, 2.) Sully the Pilot and 3.) God.

7:34 - Ozzie Guillen is here. I'm not sure how this will work, since Ozzie seems like someone who wil slur without thinking, so this will be fun. He's also not quite speaking English.

7:36 - Ozzie Guillen says to "be careful with A-Rod" followed up with Erik Karros (who the fuck??) saying "be careful of Mark Teixeira becuase he has not been hot yet." So we have one guy giving us an comment so obvious that John Madden is blushing, and then a guy giving us a pointless comment he immediately contradicts..... THIS IS FOX!!!!

7:38 - Picks: Mark Grace says Yankees in 6. Karros agrees with him after first rubbing his dick. Finally some balls, of course shown by Ozzie "big testes" Guillen, who picks the Phillies in 6. Ozzie may have an IQ of 37, but he is a baseball savant, so bad news Yankee fans.

7:42 - The obligatory Michael J. Fox parkinsons ad. This is an awful thing to say, but if I were Michael J. Fox I would fucking move all over the place in these ads, becuase he is not moving enough to get me to think Parkinsons is that bad.

7:43 - The Empire theme from Star Wars accompanies the Phillies. God, can the Yankee fans even muster up enough passion to boo the Phillies. Also, why is Ben Francisco playing? In related news, who is Ben Francisco?

7:45 - The Yankees are introduced with the 10th most relevan Star Wars music. This is the music that is usually played in the lulls in the middle of the movie, when nothing goes on. Who is picking this music? Hedeki Matsui? Thankfully, they start playing the actual hero theme from Star Wars. Of course, this music is drowning out the already inaudible cheers for the Yankees.

7:48 - Kenny Thomas is our anthem singer. Really? Kenny Thomas? These are the Yankees, their grass is Gold Shavings painted green. They could not get a real singer. They get an "English Soul Singer." I would have preferred Kenny Rogers. I would prefered the NBA Kenny Thomas singing.

7:52 - Just to get the image of that homeless man singing the anthem, I watched Jordin Sparks's Super Bowl XLII anthem. Now that was an anthem. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tGQfHIfSWK0&feature=PlayList&p=2ECA994C26A4568B&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=3
7:53 - Michelle Obama, Jill Biden (why do I find it funny that her name is "Jill Biden"), Army Captian Tony (a real hero), and Yogi Berra are throwing out the first pitch. His pitch is 20x better than most people's. Who thought of the first and second ladies? Where did that come from? I'll say this, George Bush was a fool, but he had the decency to not send out his better (much, much better) half out there. He came out and threw a perfect strike. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=631knZM9Uiw That was Bush's best moment.

7:59 - Best anthem ever: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z1QmeEdFOSc&feature=PlayList&p=9A5926CA07D194A1&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=9 Super Bowl XXV.

Game On

8:00 - The opening pitch of the World Series is brought to you by Budweiser. No, I'm not shitting you. Rollins' bunts out on the first pitch. What a pussy play!! Bad start for the Phils.

8:02 - McCarver calls Sabathia "a totally different pitcher than he was a year ago." If by "different" he means "worse and fatter" then yes, he is. Shane Victorino pops out. And now we get the "Home Depot" Tools to victory.

8:06 - We get the first "catcher's crotch" inset as Sabathia follows that up with a walk of Utley, which will bring Howard to the plate. Howard is having an A-Rod like postseason, but no one gives a crap, because unlike A-Rod, Howard has actaully performed in previosu postseason. Howard doubles, and Utley is at 3rd. It took all of 2/3 of an inning for Yankee fans to be more scared of the Phillies than the 97 win Angels.

8:09 - Jayson Werth is apparently not known, yet he was an all-star. So far, Joe Buck is actually making more stupid comments than McCarver, this could be history in the making. Bases are now loaded, and Sabathia is astonished that people actually might decide to take pitches, unlike the Angels. By the way, thanks for that Ana - fucking - heim.

8:12 - Count now 3-1. McCarver, who predicted very confidently that Sabathia will throw a fastball, is proven wrong. Ibanez grounds out with the bases loaded. He seems to be another poon. Missed opportunity, but Sabathia seems off his game; maybe he just needs to eat a hot dog, like Sanchez.

8:14 - Free Black Taco from T-Bell from 6 to midnight on Halloween. Really, if you actually take advantage of this, you are either a cheap bastard, or need to go out and get a life, and stop frequenting fastfood establishments on Halloween.

8:16 - Cliff Lee has been dominant, absolutely Beckett-esque this postseason. If I am an Indians fan, I would give up all hope of ever being good just from this game. Here we have two pitchers who won back-to-back Cy Youngs for Cleveland who are gone for what will be a barrell of bats and balls (maybe some of Matsui's porn in Sabathia's case).

8:18 - Lee avoids God's lightning bolt and strikes out Jeter in three pitches. He looks like the opposite of Sabathia, in that he is pitching well and also in that he is not black and weighs the equivalent of 3 hippos. Damon bunts out. What is with all this bunting? These are the Yankees, Hank Steinbrenner is probably having uncontrollable fits of anger when one of his mercenaries bunts.

8:21 - Teixeira strikes out. I think the Yankees picked the wrong Indian. Lee is better, and only about 100 million cheaper.

8:23 - I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say "The Fourth Kind" will bomb. I don't even this one will count as going out on a limb, but that Wanda Sykes show will also bomb, alot. Sabathia continues to not find the strike zone. I think CC ate it.

8:26 - Buck says that "Sabathia does not worry about much." Clearly not his weight. Also, clearly not the sad bottom of this Phillies line-up. He easily gets out of the inning, and A-Rod is about to get his first World Series at-bat.

8:29 - In the Mac ad where they replay Jon Hodgeman saying that the current operating system will not have the problems the previous one did, why does Justing Long not appear to get younger, when Hodgeman does? Is Long a robot, is he impervious to aging?

8:33 - Just as Buck finishes his homage to A-Rod being a changed man in the postseason, Lee throws acid on that theory, as he strikes out A-Rod swinging. Posada gets a hit, and Lee finally looks human.

8:35 - Porn-Dog (Matsui) is up. I'm pretty sure all the Yankees will want him resigned so they get to continued use of the stash. Matsui strikes out (becoming a theme) and is now delighted as he can get some quiet time with Lil' Matsui down in the clubhouse. Cano flies out. Yankee fans evidently have shitty eyesight, as they get totally apeshit over a routine fly ball.

8:38 - DJ Hero is a game???? What is next, Orchestra Conductor Hero. What does a DJ do? Spin shit and what else?? We are going to kill society off with these games.

8:40 - I can watch the "Shankapotamus" E*Trade ad a million times, and it will be as funny on the a-millionth-and-first time. Jay-Z and Alicia Keys are singing tomorrow at Yankee Stadium. They were supposed to go today, but the rain cancelled that, so I guess that explains Homeless Guy #3 from Central Park singing the anthem.

8:42 - McCarver tells us that Sabathia and Rollins "grew up 35 miles apart." That's not that close. I guarantee you that I know absolutely no one that grew up 35 miles away from me. No one.

8:44 - Here is some actual baseball analysis. The Phillies are making Sabathia work, and are getting good swings on his balls. This could get interesting.

8:45 - McCarver says that this is "the Amtrak Series." Is he serious?? Amtrak goes everywhere. If the Yankees played the Dodgers, you could get to LA by Amtrak.

8:48 - There is an ad board saying that "24 returns January." Honestly, I think even Keifer Sutherland is bored at this point. There's only so many President's that can die, and other people for him to kill. Utley is fouling tons of pitches off, which is great becuase it is making CC throw alot.

8:50 - UTLEY HOMERS 1-0 PHILLIES

8:51 - Yankee Stadium, which has the sound of a Funeral Home at the best of times, is absolutely stunned. Yes, Yankee fans, other teams can hit the ball too.

8:53 - A sony ad featuring Peyton Manning, Justin Timberlake and Erin Andrews? Now that is an interesting group of characters. In other news, Blackberry is releasing a Blackberry Storm 2 already. Come on, there are millions that have not been suckered into buying the Blackberry Storm 1 (or 1 version 2.0) yet.

8:57 - Mastercard is donating 1,000 dollars to standup2cancer for every home run. Mastercard is probably worth billions. Isn't cancer enough of a cause to get at least 10 or 20 thousand? Swisher and Cabrera surprisingly get out, andby surprisingly I mean "so unsurprising, it hurts."

8:59 - St. Derek doubles. Which allows Johnny Damon do bat with a runer on, which is as good an idea that it rivals only "signing an obese guy to a 8 year deal" in the bad Yankee Ideas hall-of-fame.

9:02 - Honestly, for these Coors Light coach interview ads, I think using anybody would be better than Romeo Crennel. Why not use Ozzie Guillen? "Coach, coach, my can is blue, what do you think that means?" Guillen: "that means it is a faggot." That would be a wonderful ad.

9:04 - DirectTV "No one has all your favorite channels in HD". In fact, Comcast has all my favorite channels in HD. Unless I am the odd soul whose favorite channel is cartoon network, I think I will take my chances with Comcast and its 42 HD channels.

9:05 - The celebrities in the crowd: Alec Baldwin, Rudy Guliani (who is wearing the same WS hat since 2001), Kate Hudson, Kurt Russell and Jeff Gordon. I really don't know what to say.

9:09 - Sabathia has sprung to life after the home run. Sadly, it took him until he had thrown 60 pitches in 2 and 2/3 innings for him to realize that yes, in fact this is the World Series and he might bother showing up.

9:10 - Taking a break to cook up some Asian Noodles. Mmmmmm..... Raman!!!

9:17 - Lee strikes out Teixeira and Rodriguez back to back again. So, Teixeira and A-Rod, a combined 455 million dollars of contract, have come up to the plate four times, and struck out four times. I guess 455 million doesn't get what it used to.

9:19 - Cliff Lee strikes out the side, and has 7 k's through 4 innings. Is this Randy Johnson circa 2001 using Polyjuice Potion (Yeah, I love me some polyjuice potion references)?

9:21 - TD Bank may in fact be the most convenient bank, but I have yet to see a singular branch of the TD Bank. I guess that is their plan. No one can test their convenience theory, becuase they don't actually exist. Smart-asses, those TD Bank fellas.

9:24 - It looks like it is pouring in the Bronx. Weird, since it is not raining a bit here in lower Manhattan. And, we are not even 35 miles away from each other.

9:25 - Cliff Lee apparently thinks of CC as his best friend in baseball. I think he is only saying that, becuase if not CC would eat him. I see through Cliff Lee's games.

9:28 - I like the premise of "The Box" where Cameron Diaz can push a button and get a million dollars, but someone dies. I give it three months until this is a game show on NBC called "Pushing the Limits." (I know, that title is brilliant).

9:29 - Dunkin Donuts tells us to hurry up and get their fall flavors becuase they won't be here forever. I may be wrong, but I really don't think I am, but I may be but I'm pretty sure they will be here forever, as long as Fall continues to be a season.

9:31 - Buck: "The pace of Cliff Lee drips with confidence." Uh, Joe, I don't think adjectives can drip with things. Two really questionable ball calls (they were both strikes if CC was pitching) lead to a single by the Porn-Dog.

9:36 - The umpires have a chance to redeem themselves here, as it should be a double play for the Phillies as Rollins caught a ball in the air, and Porn-Dog was wandering randomly. The umps got the call right, and these umps should be immediately enshrined in the hall of fame for making that call correctly.

9:38 - Lee is absolutely cruising against this lineup whose total salaries could feed the country of Sierra Leone for the next four decades, and the Steinbrenners are considering trading for Lee before Game 5.

9:42 - Sabathia has reverted to his wild ways here in the 6th, starting with three straight balls to Victorino. Victorino pops out again, and this is getting to be a rather boring well-pitched game.
9:44 - Utley rips one just foul. McCarver just said how great a two-strike hitter he is, and McCarver is finally sounding like he is smart. He sounds like a fucking Einstein now.

9:45 - UTLEY HOMERS AGAIN 2-0 PHILLIES

9:46 - I'm gonna say it, and I know people will crucify for such an outlandish thing to say, but I think the Phillies are not scared of the big-bad Yankees and the "mystique and aura" of Yankee stadium. In fact, I think the Yankees forgot to bring mystique and aura across the street to the new digs.

9:51 - Werth hits a seeing-eye single, and Sabathia is about to throw his 100th pitch. I'm gonna say that this was one of the most dissapointing performances that yielded just 2 runs by a pitcher ever.

9:54 - Can Geico just bring back the fucking cave men please?? Also, is "The Men Who Stare at Goats" just about men who stare at goats, because if so, that is absolutely brilliant. Either way, best movie title since "Snakes on a Plane."

9:57 - Cabrera pops out, and we have had only one hard hit ball by a Yankee tonight, and that was Jeter's double. I make fun of Jeter, but he seems to be the only one who got the memo that, despite them being the Yankees, they actually have to play to win the World Series.

10:00 - Damon is 2-24 against Cliff Lee. Jerry Hairston is 1-6 with a home run against Lee. I think I am much, much smarter than Joe Girardi. But then again, I think the mold growing in our trash can is.

10:03 - Damon pops out (shock), and Lee literally yawns while grabbing the ball. I think he is locked in. Now comes the 455 million combo. Tex grounds out. This is immense fun watching the Yankees hitters suddenly turning into a more expensive version of the Mets.

10:06 - If Mike Bloomberg really did stuff for the middle class, like his ad says over and over, than I think he should have not allowed taxpayers to pay 900 million dollars for a stadium that looks exactly like the old Yankee Stadium. Honestly, what a fucking waste of money. Instead of building the new stadium, they should have paid for AC in Rubin Hall.

10:09 - Sabathia, on his 110th pitch, walks Ben Francisco. Francisco has a stunned look on his face, probably because this is the first time he has ever been walked. Pedro Feliz hits a double play. It's a bit ironic that Pedro Feliz is slow, I won't way why.

10:12 - And now comes God Bless America, better known as the Yankees crook way of freezing out pitchers in the name of fake Patriotism. If the Yankees were Patriotic, they would have not picked a British guy to sing the anthem. Also, fueling the fire of the my conspiracy theory is that this is by far the longest version of God Bless America ever. I think she made up that opening verse.

10:15 - A brilliant WalMart moment with a contrived family making up an even more contrived story. This ad is then followed by a Beatles song. Talk about one end of the spectrum to the other.

10:17 - A-Roid comes up. A-Roid grounds out. A-Roid is 0-3. Looks like he forgot that the World Series is part of the postseason as well. Phil Hughes is warming up, and gets the treat of facing the top of the order. That should be fun.

10:20 - McCarver tells a joke and makes himself and no one else laugh. I feel bad for him, but in a strange way connected to him, since I too try to tell jokes and make myself and no one else laugh. Tim, I feel for you. Posada grounds out.

10:22 - Porn-Dog grounds out (related note: CC Sabathia goes into the clubhouse to take a sneak into Matsui's best vids (Boner-Jams '03 - a bunch of clips Hedeki was into in the Summer of '03)). TheYankees have now been shut out for 16 straight World Series, dating back to Beckett's shutout in Game 6 in 2003.

10:26 - Rollins hits a bomb just foul. This is a key inning. They need a insurance run (or like five insurance runs) becuase we all know Lidge cannot be trusted. Phil Hughes has a classic "Holy Fuck, this is the world series" face. Hughes walks J-Roll with two pitches that were closer to Row 3 than they were to home plate.

10:29 - Hughes is annoyingly throwing over to first base on Rollins. There is a better chance of Yankee Stadium spontaneously taking off and flying to the moon then Hughes picking Rollins off. Hughes goes to 3-0. He is wasting all his strikes on his pick off throws. Rollins steals second. Great job trying to hold him to first Phil Hughes.

10:33 - Hughes walks Shane Victorino. Girardi tries to go cute going lefty-lefty with Damaso Marte. There are two things wrong with this: 1.) Utley has two home runs against the best lefty the Yankees have in CC and 2.) Damaso Marte sucks balls. Yankee Stadium appropriately boo.

10:36 - Is Damaso Marte holding Phil Coke hostage, or does he have pictures of Girardi fucking a melon, becuase if not, there is no reason for him to be pitching.

10:39 - Damaso Marte is somehow getting out of this jam. Good job, Damaso, you won't be killed tonight be a deranged Yankee fan.

10:43 - David Robertson in. Robertson was the center of scrutiny when Girardi took him out to let Aceves pitch in Game 3 of the ALCS. When fans are mad that you are taking David Robertson out, I think you may need to rethink the strength of your bullpen. Robertson promptly walks Werth in 4 pitches. I think Damaso Marte could have easily done the same.

10:47 - IBANEZ SINGLES 4-0 PHILLIES

10:48 - The New York media is going to hammer Girardi for not bringing in a lefty for Robertson when Ibanez came in. If Girardi is lucky, his lifeless team will continue to get shut out for two more innings just so this inning does not matter in the end.

10:52 - Lee comes out for the 8th, and I really hope he pitches a complete game. Great defensive play by Lee. Another reason why the Yankees should have picked Lee instead of Sabathia. No way Sabathia makes that play, unless the ball gets stuck on his gelatinous fat.

10:56 - Cliff Lee is now through 8. He is absolutely shutting down the Yankees and shutting up this crowd. I really hope he goes out there for the complete game.

10:59 - Here's an interesting tidbit, the Michelin Man is just CC Sabathia painted white and wearing a mask. Also, can you believe this, someone is trying to assassinate someone on 24. There is a shocker for you. I guess my opening episode idea of "Jack Bauer kills eight chinamen by himself" was overlooked.

11:00 - Brian Bruney is, which is always cause to celebrate with a brew. Ruiz hits a double, and it is sad when Carlos Ruiz has hit a ball harder than any Yankee.

11:05 - Jimmy Rollins hits a ball that just dies on the grass in front of A-Roid, which is ironic because Alex Rodrigeuz's postseason of glory just died as well.

11:07 - VICTORINO SINGLES 5-0 PHILLIES

11:07 - They just made the end of this game mighty anticlimatic and also mighty entertaining for a Yankee hater. Side note, the winner of game 1 has won the World Series every year since 2002.

11:13 -Phil Coke now goes 3-1 on Utley. This is not looking good for the Yanees. You know what else does not look good? The thousands of empty seats in Yankee Stadium.

11:16 - HOWARD DOUBLES 6-0 PHILLIES

11:16 - Ryan Howard is fucking the SI Cover Jinx in the ass right now. This is fun.

11:19 - Cliff Lee is out there to finish what he started, against the top of the order no less. For a team whose combined payroll rivals only Rush Limbaugh's salary, this is embarrasing.

11:21 - Joe Buck is now so bored he is rambling about Cliff Lee's kids Jackson and Macy. Good Lord, Buck. Can't you just make up some Pujols story to orgasm about instead. Jeter continues to be the only Yankee to show up as he singles.

11:22 - Johnny Damon is now 4-26 lifetime against Cliff Lee. I really hope they let Lee finish this. He is not blowing a 6 run lead. Suddenly, Girardi's ass managing is a problem now, as this would be a much more nerve racking ninth inning.

11:24 - JETER SCORES ON ROLLINS' ERROR 6-1 PHILLIES

11:24 - The Yankees went 17 and 1/3 innings without scoring a run, so the Yankees finally get off the schnied. Rollins idiotic attempt at a double play takes away the shutout. A-Rod now up. I hope this does not absolve Teixeira's shitty night. A-Roid quickly to 0-2 against Lee.

11:26 - This is why I would not make a good proffesional athlete, other than my lack of ability. I would be furious if my teammate's bonehead error just cost me a shutout. I would seriously kill him in my mind.

11:26 - A-Roid strikes out again. I am sooooooo happy the old A-Roid is back. I've missed you buddy.

11:28 - Jorge Posada strikes out. Lee goes the distance giving up 6 hits and striking out 10, and coming within one horrible throw by Rollins from getting a complete game shutout. The boy is special. Yankee Stadium is eerily silent, and I am pumped up, I just took a victory lap around my dorm.

That was an interesting game 1. Lee was brilliant, Sabathia was fat, Girardi did his usual questionable managing job, Damaso Marte actually performed well, Chase Utley was nearly killed by Hal Steinbrenner's hitman, and Pedro is pitching in Yankee stadium tomorrow.

I would do this again, but instead I will visit a local establishment and cheer against the Yankees in the hear of NYC. Wish me luck.

ALCS Game 5 Running Diary

Coming here live from Room 1408 for Game 5. Since this is probably going to be the last game for another 6 days, and the end of Nick Adenhart memorial title run, I thought it would be good to running diary it. By the way, I plan to do this for the Jets-Raiders game (to chronicle the JaMarcus/Sanchize double clusterfuck) but I also have a midterm to study for. Let’s see which takes preference.

8:16 – I decided to step out for a quick Subway. Thankfully, the Angels have already decided to bring the hammer to AJ Burnett. Four runs, no outs, four hits. Where the fuck was this team in Games 1-4?

8:17 – Quick Subway note. The local Subway (8th st. between University and Broadway) has a “Health Note: Alcohol is dangerous to pregnant women” sign. This Subway has a liquor license (why else would they have that sign). What a baller Subway! I knew Jose was drowsy when he made that sub.

8:18 – Already our first shitty call of the night. Laz Diaz (what a great name) says he did not swing. He absolutely did, but I guess check swing is like a 1 on the “Bad Call scale” (10 would be the ump tearing off a Yankee jersey and calling a pitchout strike 3)

8:23 – Evidently, Morgan Freeman has gone insane. He is doing iparticipate.org adds. I assume that company is holding his kids hostage.

8:25 – John Lackey, or as anyone with half a brain (or a microphone) a “bulldog”, is 6’6” 245 lbs. This guy, I’m guessing, was a football player.

8:27 – Tim McCarver just called Lackey’s curveball “convinced.” I’m guessing that is a good thing. Either way I too am “convinced”… that Tim McCarver should be mute.

8:31 – First Budweiser ad. Do you think that Budweiser is mad that they got tied into baseball, when the beer is more “convinced” than Coors, which got the NFL “official beer” sponsorship.

8:33 – Jeff Mathis, a lifetime .200 hitter, gets another hit. I feel like these guys intentionally play awful just so they can get pitches to hit when, and then they screw the Yankees. Erick Aybar’s double-play sadly puts to rest my theory.

8:36 – The guy who designed this Traveller’s ad with flying umbrellas must’ve come up with the idea when he was hallucinating on some powerful shrooms. I mean really, flying little umbrellas?

8:40 – Don’t know about you, but I sincerely want Johnny Damon to sign for any other team, just so he can bring back the Jesus beard. Un-Jesus-ed Damon grounds out, and another missed call. This one was not really all that bad, but still. Another thing for Johnny to consider, if he looked like Jesus, I’m pretty sure he gets that call. I mean, how can the umps not favor Jesus?

8:43 – Just saw the Chris Farley/David Spade DirectTV ad. One question: do you think Chris Farley just decided on returning to cocaine after seeing that he is now being featured in DirectTV ads with Heather Locklear’s sock puppet?

8:44 – Wait a minute! FOX just unleashed the Coors Light freeze cam!! Coors, I don’t think you are playing by the rules. First you have the NFL, and now you are the sponsor of the Freeze Cam. Coors, listen, pick a fucking sport, and stick to it.

8:47 – Why is Fox putting a screen in-set showing the catcher’s signs? Jose Molina, however attractive he may be, is not worthy of a close-up of his crotch.

8:50 – “There are jumps, and then there are jumps and that was a jump (or maybe a jump)” Tim McCarver. Thanks for that nugget.

8:51 – Wild Pitch by Burnett that Molina lets go away. There was loads of controversy when the Yanks decided to make Molina Burnett’s personal catcher. I don’t think it is going all too well. Money on Jorge Posada being so mad he’s going to paint his nails black for Saturday’s game.

8:55 – Here comes the “Droid” ad. All I know from this ad is that an iPod (or iPhone – since no one but me seems to only have an iPod) doesn’t do a lot of shit. Congrats, Droid, congrats.

8:58 – Why does Mark Teixeira look so angry. Is it because he lost his Prince Williams look-a-like competition last week. That’s why I’m angry at him, because I had money on it. How could Tex lose?

9:02 – Hedeki Matsui is up. He is infamous for his huge porn collection (I assume that means Asian, but I hope not, for his sake), and for announcing his wife in a press conference, and the only proof we have that the “wife” exists is a pencil drawing of her. I shit you not.

9:05 – My new theory about the catcher signs inset: It is a subliminal way to get women interested. I mean, the picture of a guy putting his hands in close proximity to his dick has got to be kind of stimulating to women, right. I’ll even admit, when the catcher was Joe Mauer, I may have even been aroused.

9:10 – Tim McCarver makes a slightly humorous quip about the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders and slidesteps. Just because its Tim McCarver, I think that is grounds for a public indecency charge. In unrelated news, Jeff Mathis continues to perfect his Ty Cobb impression (without the open racism, I hope).

9:13 – Fox is starting a latenight Saturday program run headlined by Wanda Sykes?? Can there be anything more inevitable to fail? Can I get odds for that not lasting five weeks??

9:16 – Dr. Oz tells us to eat more whole-grain bread to lower risk of heart disease. You know what else may lower heart disease? Taking a jog instead of sitting on your couch eating Ben ‘n’ Jerry’s watching Dr. Oz.

9:19 – There goes the Jose Molina experiment. I’m guessing that the next time AJ Burnett inquires about making Molina his personal catcher, Joe Girardi will slap him.

9:21 – The “Catcher-signs-inset-make-a-woman-orgasm-atron” is sponsored by Blackberry. Seriously, it is. In other news, John Lackey gets his 6th strikeout of the game, getting Posada looking. That guy is on fire right now. Here comes the “bulldog” Lackey vs. the “Messiah” St. Derek matchup.

9:25 – Lackey strikes out the side, by striking out Jeter. God may smite him by shooting down a lightning bolt (God in this case is Zeus) at his face for striking out his servent Derek Jeter, but Lackey is a “bulldog” with a “convinced” curveball, so he doesn’t care.

9:27 – Now it’s a Corona Light ad. Damn, the MLB is having a beer orgy. Budweiser is getting the solid action, but Coors and Corona are surely getting in on the pole every now and then.

9:28 – Fox’s NFL themesong may be more famous, but I would say that the MLB theme is definitely the best sports related theme song out there today. Just wanted to let you all know. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EzMHUtsPn9U&feature=related check it out. There are even better alternate themes too: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=00-TcR14VSQ&feature=related There’s not much going on, so I have to think of alternate things to do.

9:35 – Is there anything more violently effective than Vlad’s swing. It’s like one of those kids in Little League who justs hacks at three pitches so he can go sit back down and pick boogers out of nose. He swings it so hard. I’m pretty sure you would kill someone with that swing.

9:39 – More music related links. Fox also puts out this number every now and then. It makes baseball seem like something totally more important than it is, but it is still good. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QpuzVW6Thyg&feature=related. I misspoke, the best theme: NBA on NBC: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V_h7Lm7C9Nk It only kicks in around the 1:20 mark, but the clip is high, high comedy all around.

9:42 – Lackey’s rolling along, A-Roid doubles. All is normal in the world. Matsui up, looks relaxed at the plate. Probably just dipped into the porn-case during inning break.

9:44 – Other good themes (I’m sure you are all loving this): NBA on TNT (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FOgbdMIc2hw&feature=related) , NFL on CBS (old-school) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VGSzndHKVPE&feature=related), and the NFL on NBC (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6sJcVo1qruY&feature=related). Finally, for my hockey friends (BTW, Lackey gets out of a jam, through 5.5, he’s shutting the Yanks down): here is NHL on ABC of old (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N-LZRW60wtg&feature=related). OK, I’m done (for now)

9:50 – We bring you back to the currently scheduled program of Game 5. Burnett has been great since the first inning, but I can’t take him seriously since he has nipple rings (one per each nipple, don’t misconstrue as multiple on one nipple as I think only Dennis Rodman has entered that zone).

9:52 – Kendry Morales, McCarver tells us, played for the Yankees of Cuba. I’m guessing they are not the Yankees of Cuba, because then they would have paid him 10 million Cuban monies per year to keep him. Either way, Burnett of the real Yankees, strikes him out with a “convinced” breaking ball.

9:56 – Mark Sanchez’s Toyota ad came out. Good for him, because with a couple more of those 5-pick performances, he’ll need that employer’s discount at Toyota when he’s out on the streets.

9:58 – Jeep claims to build Skyscraper’s and Base Camps in their commercials. I would hope they’ve moved on from that “building cars” phase, because fuck knows that did not work.

10:00 – While Nick Swisher does his A-Roid from 2004-2007 playoff impression (read: crapping the bed each time he steps to the plate), Posada disappears down the dugout tunnel. I bet he’s going to dig into Matsui’s porn stash, for a quick pressure-reliever. Meanwhile, Melky Cabrera, the only Yankee who is playing this game with any sort of urgency, gets a double.

10:02 – Posada finishes the job quickly, as he is up. Moises Alou used to pee into his hands before games, and he batted without gloves. Posada too has no gloves. Do you think he too, uses some excretory liquid (hint: rhymes with “shmeemen”) from his member to harden those hands?

10:03 – Quick sidebar while there is a visit from the pitching coach (don’t worry, no more theme songs). It is a great story how the tragedy of Nick Adenhart’s death has inspired this team. If you don’t know, he was killed when a drunk driver crashed into his car. This should teach us all something: don’t drink and drive, or as it is called in New York, don’t drink and walk onto random streets and avenues without checking for oncoming traffic.

10:04 – The Messiah walks quickly to load the bases. Big moment here. I would be much more worried if Damon had his Jesus beard. But, bases loaded Damon up, one out, the “bulldog” still pitching.

10:09 – Damon flies out to Rivera, and it is too shallow to score the Melk Man. Now, Teixeira comes up with the bases loaded and Lackey leaves to a standing O. God knows who is coming in, but for the Yanks, it is time for Tex to do something in the postseason.

10:11 – America Express releases an ad in which mundane items make the shapes of faces to a background of orchestral chello music. Why do every ad seem like tales of when someone is tripping on acid.

10:13 – Tex hits the first pitch for a double. Lackey should be mad, as Tim McCarver points out (good point, Tim, here’s another picture of the Dallas cheerleaders as a gift). Lackey should not have come out of this game. It is now 4-3. A-Roid is intentionally walked, so they can face porn-aficionado Matsui.

10:16 – Matsui singles and we are tied. Mike Scoscia might be a great manager, but fuck him for taking Lackey out of this game. I’m pretty sure even Tim McCarver would agree that John Lackey is better than Darren Oliver. I’m pretty sure Lackey would kill Oliver if given the chance, and I don’t blame him at all.

10:17 – And Dos Equis has joined the beer-orgy. MLB’s dick is big enough for all of you, don’t worry. I love those most interesting men in the world commercials, especially the fact that the guy plays Jai-Alai. That is interesting. Not as interesting as someone who legitimately plays bocce, but still quite interesting.

10:20 – Cano doubles and the Yankees are now winning 6-4, all coming with 2 outs after Lackey is stupidly pulled. Lackey might have already committed murderous acts on Mike Scoscia and Darren Oliver. I really think there should be protection on those guys.

10:21 – I am by no means a Philly fan, but I am getting my “Go Phils” white towel ready for the World Series. Fuck the Yankees. Derek Jeter just unleashed a half-gay smile and Robinson Cano has that “thank god New York won’t kill me after my mostly useless postseason now” face on. Great times in New York. I hope to dear god the Phillies sweep this team, and Ryan Howard hits two home runs off CC Sabathia just using his penis as a bat.

10:27 – Mathis is a hitting machine against the Yankees. Still stunned that Scoscia took his best pitcher out of the game and replaced him with a half-comatose Darren Oliver. Joe Girardi, who uses his bullpen about as often as CC Sabathia eats hot dogs, has left AJ Burnett in the game. I can’t believe I am saying this but Girardi is out managing Scoscia.

10:30 – Aybar draws a walk, as Burnett is taken out of the game (thank god, the actual Girardi is back). Damaso Marte is coming in. Holy God, Joe, do you want to blow this game? Damaso Marte, really? He of the 7 ERA. Good idea. By the way, the Thunderstix are making a semi-return (for those who don’t know, the thunderstix are phallic shaped balloons that Angels fans smacked together to great results in their 2002 World Series run) as barely half-the stadium is banging them. Why white towels overtook Thunderstix as fans annoying-object-to-wave-and-smack-around du jour is anybody’s guess, but I far prefer thunderstix. Bring back Thunderstix!! And Full-Time!!

10:33 – Figgins bunts, predictably. However, since Marte was pitching, and I could hit .300 off him, why would you bunt?

10:34 – Angels score and now Phil Hughes is coming in to face Hunter and Vlad, one hit away from tying this back up. I have a feeling that Fox ordered both managers to start acting stupid just so this game gets interesting. And I have a message for you Fox: It worked brilliantly! Great management job by Fox!!

10:37 – Boost mobile has turned to pigs as an ad campaign. Really, “Where you at?” did not work well?? That is a surprise.

10:39 – First truly dramatic moment of the game. Football might be the best sport overall, but other than overtime hockey, nothing is as dramatic and nerve-rackingly gut-wrenching as the baseball playoffs.

10:40 – Hunter is walked and Vlad, a historic playoff choker who is having an A-Roid like resurgence this playoffs, is up. On a different note, they showed a little girl, like 8 years old, banging thunderstix together, and that makes me feel bad calling thunderstix “phallic balloons.”

10:43 – Vlad ties the game with a groundball up the middle. His drunk swing makes me wonder how he ever hits home runs, but that is not necessary right now. McCarver is incensed that Hughes threw Guerrero a fastball after making him look silly with a curveball. Once again, another good point by McCarver. Is this really Tim? I have my doubts.

10:45 – Also, what happened to the Rally Monkey?? Was that an Anaheim only monkey, and was disowned after their name change to Los Angeles.

10:46 – Fuck Yeah!!!! The Monkey is not needed as Morales hits a single, and the Angels take the lead again. What a great game, or more specifically an epic meltdown of both bullpens. AJ Burnett has a “What the fuck is this bullpen doing to my win” face that Lackey wore beautifully. McCarver called Hughes “Joba Chamberlain”, and easy mistake when you don’t remember that there is a 150 lb difference between the two. I like having the old McCarver back.

10:49 – Why is Romeo Crennel doing the Coors light interview ads? What the hell. Was there no other coach available? Was Mike Shanahan or Jon Gruden not good enough in the press conferences? I’m sure Jon Gruden says 1,000 things more interesting daily than Romeo Crennel has ever said. Romeo Crennel seems like a fine human being, but he is not deserving of that ad campaign. He may be deserving of a sponsor of Coors Light, but definitely not of that campaign. By the way, is there such thing as Coors, as I only see ads for Coors Light.

10:52 – Jered Weaver, the game 7 starter (if necessary) is pitching for some reason. Who has stolen the real Mike Scoscia and used polyjuice potion and is currently managing the Angels (oh yeah, that’s right, Harry Fucking Potter).

10:56 – I will stop doubting Scoscia, as Weaver strikes out Cano and Jeter (that’s right, he struck out God Incarnate). We go to the bottom of the ninth. Great, great game. The only downside, Fuentes will face Damon, Tex and A-Roid in the ninth. If I were Scoscia, I would keep Weaver out there. Fuentes is one HR away from kneeling down, sucking A-Roid’s dick and calling him “master” at this point.

10:59 – Joba is in the game. Juan Rivera greets him with a double, showing the world that Rivera is in fact alive. Good to know. I’m gonna say this once and for all: Joba Chamberlain is not that good. I’m sorry. That performance against Cleveland two years ago when he was attacked by the midges (bugs), it seems a midge got lodged in his brain and is fucking with him ever since.

11:01 – Buck alerts us that Lackey is back in the dugout. Hopefully he did not leave before to kill and bury Darren Oliver. It seems that Brian Fuentes is warming up. Good lord. This is not going to be good. Fox shows a graphic stating that Mathis has hits in six straight at-bats. If, by some struck of luck, the Angels come back and win this series, do you think Mathis will be the first .200 hitter ever to win the ALCS MVP?

11:04 – Mathis strikes out. Fox has a great history of putting up graphics denoting streaks and stats of such nature and having them immediately jinx the person or team. I would love to say this is a coincidence, but when a Network has a nighttime show with Wanda Sykes and still claims to be the most watched network on television, anything is possible. Aybar gets an infield hit. So we now have 1st and 3rd one out, with the most important insurance run ever 90 feet away.

11:06 – Even if the Angels don’t score, I feel like the Hughes/Chamberlain combo is nowhere near it has been hyped up to be. It may be better than the Oliver/Jepsen shit-combo the Angels threw up back in the 7th, but then again the Gary Coleman/Verne Troyer combo is better at pitching.

11:07 – Mariano Rivera comes in. Girardi has used his brains and replaces the most overrated pitcher of recent memory (Chamberlain) with the greatest relief pitcher ever (Rivera). Rivera has reached a level that he could probably start game 6 and go 8 scoreless innings and I would not be in the least way surprised.

11:13 – Chone Figgins (pronounced: Shaun Figgins. Yeah he’s that gay about the spelling) flies out, and doesn’t get the runner home. Again, I cannot stress just how important this insurance run is. They will lose this game if they don’t score here.

11:14 – They don’t score the insurance run, and we go to ad with Joe Buck saying the three words every Angel fan dreads: “Fuentes coming in.” Windows 7 has an ad with a weird guy showing us the “snap” feature. I’m sure that is the most obscure, pointless feature they have, obviously after the “Why Macs suck in every way” background that is required in every version of Windows 7.

11:17 – Cat Stevens “If you want to sing out” + Chevy Chase playing whack-a-mole. I’m not sure about you, but that will definitely make me buy T-Mobile.

11:19 – Damon lines one, thankfully straight to Kendry Morales. Thank you god. Teixeira up, and he pops up the first pitch. Tex is really going to earn those 180 million. And now what we all fear, A-Roid. McCarver asks should you walk him, and they will walk him. I would walk him, because Matsui is next, and I think Matsui is usually in full on porn mode right about now usually. Another random question, why do we actually have to go through the 4 pitches of the intentional walk. Can’t they just declare intentional walk, and then the guy goes straight to first, or is that too obvious.

11:21 – They pinch run A-Rod. Are you fucking kidding me?? You are pinch running for the guy who single handidly carried you in this postseason for a guy named Freddy Guzman. Substituting in Guzman to run is only a good idea if you are trying to get crack across the border.

11:23 – They show a guy wearing a Green shirt. Hopefully he is color-blind, because that is the only explanation for wearing Green to an Angels game.

11:24 – Matsui is walked, as Robinson Cano is now the batter. Thankfully Cano has fulfilled his “one big hit” quota for the game, but Cano might be greedy. I am still petrified of Brian Fuentes. Moreso than Brad Lidge circa 2005-2006.

11:26 – Cano gets hit. Swisher is the only hitter worse than Cano right now, so maybe the hitting of Cano may be the Angels form of intentionally walking him. If these are the real “Yankees” then Swisher hits a Grand Slam.

11:28 – Swisher hits two weak-ass ground balls foul. He is intent on getting himself gunned-down in Central Park this winter at this rate. He was supposed to be the epitome of the “Moneyball player” so it’s fitting that he, like Beanes “moneyball” A’s, fails in the postseason.

11:30 – Fuentes wants LA to die of heart attacks. Swisher on a full-count.

11:31 – Thank the fucking Lord. Swisher fails (again) and we are back to New York. I don’t know if this is allowed, but the Angels look into getting a new closer in the next two days. Jepsen is your winner, and Hughes gets the loss, and Fox welcomes us to the Chevy postgame show.

11:35 – I think the Wanda Sykes ad is a sign that it is time to call it a night and start preparing for that midterm. If there is a game 7, I will be back, and I will do at least one of these in the World Series. Good night, and thank you Phil Hughes.