Ranking the Names of NFL Teams

This was born out of hearing and reading about the controversy of the 'Redskins' name in the NFL, and different lawsuits and appeals to change it. Anyway, here is a ranking of how I perceive the names of each team. For the bottom half (32-17), I came up with a suggestion. Most of these suggestions sound really weird. Partly because some aren't good, and partly because when you change the wording of something that has been established, it will always sound weird.

32.) Washington Redskins

I’m not a giant proponent of the Redskins  having to change their name because it is offensive, but I think their name sucks because it is offensive. If they want to keep an offensive, lousy name, then whatever. Unlike all the other uses of native American heritage littering sports (Braves, Indians, Blackhawks, Cheifs, and the many in college sports), Redskins is by far the most offensive. Other than Indians, all the others at least try to appeal to the warrior side of Native American heritage. The Redskins don’t even give that effort. Also, the DC area doesn’t have a particularly strong Native American ties. Just a terrible name all around.

My Suggestion: Washington Federalists – I’m not really good at coming up with these, but the one plus with ‘Federalists’ is it can be easily shortened to ‘Feds’, a nice tie-in to FedEx Field to boot.

31.) Arizona Cardinals

There are a few teams that changed cities and kept their names, but most of them still make some sort of sense. The Cardinals don’t at all. There aren’t many Cardinals in Atlantic City, and there were in St. Louis (and Chicago beforehand). The Cardinal isn’t a particularly menacing bird either. Until recently, the franchise sucked in Arizona also. I would definitely change this if not for the long history of the name.

My Suggestion: Arizona Scorpios – I was about to go with ‘Scorpions’ but that sounded kind of ‘elementary school travel soccer team’ for my liking. Scorpio is not only the base from which Scorpion was derived, but alludes to the stars, which are really present in the clear Arizona sky.

30.) Tennessee Titans

The Titans had the decency to not keep ‘Oilers’ (I’m sure mostly because it made no sense), but they didn’t exactly pick a better name, going with ‘Titans’ which is good in a sports sense, but makes no sense when it is placed next to Tennessee. I will give them credit for naming their stadium ‘Coliseum’ in the beginning as a tie in to the Roman aspect of Titans, but they got rid of that, and they should follow suit with the name.

My Suggestion: Nashville Blues – They are in Nashville anyway, and the Blues worked in hockey, but fits better in Nashville than St. Louis, and ties in with their uniform schemes over the years in Tennessee.

29.) Carolina Panthers

Are there panthers in Carolina? Even if there are, Panthers are really the least menacing large cat, worse than Jaguar or Lion (still to come) or Tiger, Leopard, Cheetah. There just isn’t anything special about a Panther. It’s an aptly boring name for a boring team.

My Suggestion: Carolina Cougars – I told you I was bad at suggesting names. If they are going to stick with Panther – maybe there are Panthers in Carolina – then at least go with the Cougar, which is Panther-esque, more menacing and adds a nice alliteration.

28.) St. Louis Rams

The Ram didn’t really make sense in Los Angeles either, but there are few Rams in St. Louis, and St. Louis is a city of major history. There are so many better names for St. Louis teams, including both of the other two major sports teams in the city, that the Rams just sticks out as bland.

My Suggestion: St. Louis Pioneers – An odd name, to be sure, but calls out to St. Louis’ history as the Gateway to the West, with Louis & Clark and all that stuff. Another option would be Flyers with the Lindbergh history, but I wanted to avoid names from other sports.

27.) New York Jets

The Hess’ picked the Jets ostensibly to rhyme with the Mets and Nets and align themselves with the air travel industry in New York. Problem is, it doesn’t make sense. The Jets and Mets both have more meaning (and were there before), and New York isn’t the aviation capital because there are three airports. This isn’t Atlanta.

My Suggestion: New York Titans – If the Tennessee Titans give up their name it frees this, and the Jets were called the Titans in their past AFL life anyway, and it makes more sense in New York, to promote that strength and size with Titans.

26.) San Diego Chargers

It might be ignorance, but what exactly is the meaning behind ‘Charger’. San Diego doesn’t get bad lightning storms, so I’m not sure what the genesis of the Lightning Bolt logo and signage is. It is an OK name in isolation, but it is confusing enough (since it doesn’t come out and just say Lightning) that it should mean more than it does.

My Suggestion: San Diego Surfers – Sure, it is kind of corny. OK, it is very corny, extremely corny even, but it makes sense. San Diego is known for great weather, and beach life, and surfing is a big part of both.

25.) Cincinnati Bengals

I have no idea why they picked Bengals, but for once, I can safely say that there are no Bengals in that particular city, and be totally confident about that. Bengals also has no connection to Browns (or Dogs) that I’m really confused why Paul Brown chose it when he launched them. Anyway, I guess it works as a nice spin on Tigers, but it has absolutely no connection to Cincinnati.

My Suggestion: Cincinnati Sliders - I have no idea why, I just don't like Bengals

24.) Atlanta Falcons

Here is another case where I might be ignorant, but I don’t think the Falcon has a particular presence in Georgia. The Falcons are a pretty menacing bird, but there are just so many teams with a bird name, and the Falcon is, like, the 4^th most intimidating. 

My Suggestion: Atlanta Drivers – It works as an on-the-nose allusion to NASCAR, which is huge in the South and in Georgia, and a much more subtle allusion to Golf and the Masters.

23.) Jacksonville Jaguars

There are Jaguars in Florida, but not really in Jacksonville. Still, I credit the Jags for having a good short form (‘Jags’) being alliterative, and being intimidating. The name works OK, but has absolutely no connection with the city.

My Suggestion: Jacksonville Geriatrics – Only half-kidding… Jacksonville... I really have no idea.

22.) Cleveland Browns

I get it, the team is named after Paul Brown, founder, owner, coach and Don of the Browns, but the original Browns ousted him, and while the new Browns still have the history, they have no direct connection to the Brown family. It is time to change the name. It isn’t bad just because of how ingrained it is, but it is boring, has no personal connection anymore, and needs to go.

My Suggestion: Cleveland Dawgs – The team’s fans already sit in the Dawg Pound. The unofficial mascot is a bulldog head, why not go with the stylized ‘Dawgs’?

21.) Houston Texans

I don’t hate the name like some, despite its simplicity. Yes, they just named the team after what people in their state or called, but at least it sounds better here than it would in other states due to the word ‘Texans’ being short (compare it to, potentially, the Sacramento Californians). Also, there is a lot of identity in to what a ‘Texan’ represents. My issue is that Houston is not a very Texas-like city.

My Suggestion: Houston Toros – Short and sweet, this is the suggestion I am the most proud of. It is short, it works with Texas’ cattle roots, and it has already been used, with Houston’s old hockey AHL team being the Toros.

20.) Kansas City Chiefs

Personally, I like names like Chiefs/Braves/Warriors. Anything that shows Native Americans as respected fighters. The Chief name works, but it is kind of the most boring of my acceptable native American names. It has a strong culture, but the name needs work. I love the tie-in with the Arrowhead stadium, though.

My Suggestion: Kansas City Arrows – It works better with Arrowhead, it is a weapon, and it is still an homage to the natives without being potentially offensive (because the native Americans weren’t the only ones to ever use Arrows)

19.) Indianapolis Colts

The Baltimore Colts was a great name, and the Indianapolis Colts still works. Indiana has some history with horses (though nowhere near as direct as the Maryland area) and the horseshoe is just a great logo. Indianapolis has thoroughly accepted the Colts, and the short name works with the long city name, but I just don’t like one city keeping the previous name in any circumstance.

My Suggestion: Indianapolis Drivers – I know, I’m cheating by using ‘Drivers’ twice, but it works here for their Indy 500 roots.

18.) Tampa Bay Buccaneers

I originally had this name much lower, but I have really turned on it. Yes, Buccaneers, or Pirate activity, has nothing to do with Tampa Bay, but any place called ‘something + bay’ immediately draws the image of a pirate. That is just how ‘Bay’ works. It is good, not great.

My Suggestion: Tampa Bay Glades – yeah, there is no such thing as a ‘glade’, but it speaks to the Everglades being close to Tampa Bay (I thought about going with ‘Gators’ but with U of F taking it alredy, it doesn’t allow for a true identity).

17.) Miami Dolphins

The name works, I guess, because Dolphins are pretty ever-present in Florida, but aren’t they a little too cute and cuddly for football? They would be better off in baseball. The Dolphin is a smart animal, so that works. Also, Miami is known for a lot of things over wildlife, so the name works better when connected with Florida than just Miami.

My Suggestion: Miami Marlins – I suggest a trade with the NFL and MLB franchises. Dolphin works better in the cuddly MLB (Cubs, Blue Jays, Orioles) and the Marlin, with its spear at front, works better in the NFL. My other idea was ‘Haze’ as an homage to the bright lights and Cuban cigar smoke, but that is probably a little too much of a stretch.

16.) Detroit Lions

This is the first name I won’t give a suggestion for. Lion works when combined with the Detroit Tigers, a team that has a longer history, giving Detroit the Lions and Tigers, but it doesn’t make much sense in isolation. I find it amazing that in a city so connected to the auto industry (for good and bad), the two teams that have allusions to that industry are the hockey and basketball teams.

15.) Chicago Bears

It is an iconic name that will never change, indelibly connected to George ‘Papa Bear’ Halas, but it doesn’t really make much sense when you think about it. I guess there is the connection to Cubs, but that would make sense if the sports were connected (or if the teams were connected). Again, the name is fine, but for an area of the country that isn’t particularly Bear heavy, it just doesn’t tie in with the city of Chicago

14.) Denver Broncos

I took time to see if there is any real horse connection to Denver (outside of Denver being an area where there are wild horses) and there isn’t anything too strong. Still, ‘Broncos’ is probably the best use of horse as the symbol (better than Colt) and it works. The history is strong, as is the identification with Denver. I just wish such a unique city like Denver had a name that connected more with the City.

13.) Seattle Seahawks

Very strong name here. The Seahawk isn’t nearly as aggressive and dangerous a bird as a normal hawk, but Seahawk is a very strong image in the native culture in the Northwest. The Seahawks have done the greatest homage of any team to native culture. The team has built an incredibly strong identification with that name and that city since the Holmgren era took off around 2003.

12.) New York Giants

Giants is kind of meaningless on its own, but when it is used with New York (as it was with the old baseball team as well) it starts to really work. New York is the Metropolis of America, it is a Giant, so the name works. It is also quite imposing, and the culture is so strong.

11.) Buffalo Bills

Whoever came up with this was kind of a genius. First, the idea to make the team logo a ‘Buffalo’ in homage to the city name was brilliant, and the name of Bill making the whole name ‘Buffalo Bill’ be an homage to the Wild Wild West was another inspired move. Just wish the team was better.

10.) New Orleans Saints

 

Great name, tying into the French/Catholic influence in New Orleans in general, and while 'Saint' isn't really any type of menacing/intimidating image, it is definitely unique. It captures the essence of the city perfectly, and sometimes that is more than good enough to work.

9.) New England Patriots

I hate the team, but the name is pretty much spot on. New England was the center of the revolution, it was home to more revolutionary minds than any other part of the country. It works if it was just Boston (which it was in the AFL days), but it works better with New England.

8.) Philadelphia Eagles

This is an extremely underrated name. Not only is the Eagle a strong, menacing, fast and beautiful bird (all adjectives that you would want associated with your sports team), but the Eagle, being the symbolic figure of the USA, fits in with Philadelphia’s presence in the founding of this nation. Random note, I far prefer the current logo to the original because the current one resembles the Eagle that is used as a symbol for the country.

7.) Oakland Raiders

This name works a lot better in Oakland than it did in LA, despite Oakland having no pirate connections either. It is by a Bay, but the Bay is absent from its name. Still it has such a strong connection to the city. Oakland is an underdog, poor city with a lot of crime, so what better way to show all of that than calling your team the ‘Raiders’ a strong willed, never-say-die figure.

6.) San Francisco 49ers

I’m torn. On one hand, a ‘49er’ isn’t really an imposing figure. A gold miner isn’t really a strong character in any sense, but man does it work with San Francisco, the figurehead city of California’s birth in the gold rush. I don’t think any other name is as intertwined within the fabric of its city as the 49ers, and for that, they get credit for making a ‘49er’ into something more intimidating than it really is.

5.) Minnesota Vikings

I love what they did here, use the demographics of that area to their benefit. There are a lot of Scandinavian people in Minnesota (hell, the only Vikings fans I know personally is Scandinavian), and the Viking is a great symbol of the power and strength of those people. It also is a damn effective name on its own. Had any team been the Vikings it would have worked, but since it has a personal connection to the area, it becomes brilliant.

4.) Dallas Cowboys

When you think of Dallas, you think of Texas. When you think of Texas, you think of Cowboys.  1 + 1 = 2. Sometimes, it just is that simple.

3.) Green Bay Packers

I might have misspoken when saying that the ‘49ers’ is the name that best connects to the city, as the Packers may have them beat. The only odd part of the ‘Packers’ is the name is a allusion to the meat packing industry in Green Bay, which is strange considering how cheese has become such a crucial element to the Packers identity. Either way, it is a name truly born out of the teams connection to its city.

2.) Pittsburgh Steelers

Everything I wrote about the 49ers and Packers is true here, as the Steel industry was the largest industry in Pittsburgh for years and years. The one difference, is a Steelers is far more hard than a Packer or 49er, so the Steelers work at that level as well. The hard attitude of a Steeler is so pervasive in the City of Pittsburgh as well.

1.) Baltimore Ravens

Most of the new names in the different sports are all bad (Panthers, Jaguars, Texans in the NFL; or Thrashers, Rays in other sports) or too complicated (Thunder, Wild, Blue Jackets) to love. Well, the Ravens are the exact opposite. First, it has a subtle, but brilliant, tie to the city of Baltimore by naming the team after a Edgar Allen Poe poem. The Raven itself is also a pretty menacing bird in its all-black, and its use in horror and mystery (Poe, but also Hitchcock). A slam-dunk pick by the Modell group. It has led to an incredibly cultural indetity for the Ravens in short time. The Colts was a great name for a Baltimore team, but the Ravens are better.