32.) Cleveland Browns (1-8)
That was despicable Monday Night. Now, I know they suck, have management problems rivaling that of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. Brady Quinn became the first QB ever to throw at least 30 passes and less than 100 yards. That is a y/a of 3.3. To put that into consideration, JaMarcus Russell has a y/a of 5.2. Also, smart move by the Mangenius to run a double reverse, lateral-a-thon on the last play and injure their only NFL caliber player.
31.) St. Louis Rams (1-8)
That was a nice performance. They gave the Saints a real run for their money, and they have now played 2 straight NFL quality games. This is nice to see for a deserving guy in Steve Spagnuolo, although I think I speak for every Giants fan when I say: Give up that darned Rams job, and come back to Gotham and coach this defense.
30.) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-8)
I would move them higher, but that was a despicable performance by the team. Not the game, that was actually good, but their celebration after scoring the TD to take the 23-22 lead. They acted as if they had just won the Super Bowl, or rather some Big Ten title. That was not what a winning team does. Finish the game!
29.) Detroit Lions (1-8)
They also played like a real football team. In fact, Week 10 was the week that the dregs of the league all collectively decided to play football (evidently this message did not penetrate the mucousy membrane of suck blocking Cleveland from the rest of the world). That was much closer than a 17 point game, and the Lions had the ball with a chance to tie the game in the metrodome. Nice performance, and I still like Matthew Stafford and Megatron as a combination.
28.) Kansas City Chiefs (2-7)
Sure they beat Oakland, but they also lost to Oakland earlier in the year in Arrowhead. They have beaten Oakland seven straight times in Oakland, but they have also lost three straight to the Raiders in Arrowhead. I will judge both teams in a vacuum and not against each other, and I still don't think the Chiefs are better than Oakland. Sure, I am a Raider fan, but honestly, after seeing Matt Cassel suck eggs consistently, I cannot back this team. Plus, their coach is a rabid maniac.
27.) Oakland Raiders (2-7)
They still have two worldbeater performances in them, just don't expect it this week. I think we have reached the end of the JaMarcus era, and for one I am glad. Can we just go and pick a Big Ben type. My guy is Jake Locker from University of Washington. That's right, I gone did some scouting. That guy has an arm that rivals that of JaMarcus, but unlike him, Locker is not morbidly obese or idiotically stupid.
26.) Washington Redskins (3-6)
That was a good win, but it came against Chris Simms. Chris Fucking Simms! I'm pretty sure that Phil is totally embarrassed to be related to such an awful QB. Anyway, I still think this team is the worst 3 win team of all time, and has no end in sight to thier long line of awfulness. Also, not sure what high-priced coach they will go after, since Holmgren and Shanny want full autonomy, and Dan Snyder is having a gay tyst with Vinny Cerratto.
25.) Buffalo Bills (3-6)
Actually, the Bills can easily be the worst 3 win team of all time. Trent Edwards came back, and it did not look like it helped at all. Terrel Owens is about to commit murder. All of Buffalo has already given up on the Bills and put all their efforts into the Sabres, and thank god. At least the Sabres are good. In related news, Dick Jauron has reportedly been fired. Or died. No one knows, since his heart hasn't beated in about three weeks.
24.) New York Jets (4-5)
Don't take this as a slight, since I like them to hang with (HANG WITH and not BEAT) the Patriots on Sunday. However, after Mark Sanchez's Obama-like speech and Rex Ryan's crying performance on Tuesday, I cannot take them seriously. All I wonder is what the fuck happened to that defense that flew around the field early on. They are still the team that best defensed New Orleans' attack. I wish that defense came back, but I love teams in eternal chaos, mainly because it takes away from the Raiders being in eternal chaos.
23.) Chicago Bears (4-5)
Jay Cutler is still a good QB. Thankfully, with the Broncos having lost their luster, and them now not being a team destined for a '01 Patriots-like run to the Super Bowl, people can stop the "Broncos won the deal, Orton is better" cries. Three of those picks were plainly not Cutler's fault, and the fourth came on the last play of the game. Cutler will, before he retires, show Bears fans why he is worth it. Just not now, becuase that defense sucks.
22.) San Francisco 49ers (4-5)
They finally won a game with Crabtree!!!! Too bad Crabtree did basically nothing to earn it. Alex Smith had one of his worst games, and Frank Gore was largely ineffective. Yet, they came to play and their defense was opportunistic. However, if they gave up that touchdown there at the end to Cutler, they would have been far, far down on these rankings. In fact, they might be in the middle of a Kansas City - Oakland sandwhich. Yum!!
21.) Seattle Seahawks (3-6)
They're frisky. That is all I can say. Hasselbeck gets no protection, but he can run around and throw it to four good targets. Justin Forsett ran the ball pretty well against a good run defense. Their defense is average, but they can probably get the job done at home more often than not. All that said, they are no more than spoiler fodder.
20.) Tennessee Titans (3-6)
The great escape of 2009 continues. Not the team, but Jeff Fisher's job. Jeff Fisher will keep his job, and thus continue to creep up to Landry's 29 straight years, with this finish. Chris Johnson is absolutely amazing. Just amazing. He is so far and away the most exciting player in the league. He is now what Devin Hester was three years ago. Every time he touches the ball something special might happen, and often does. I never got to really watch Barry Sanders, but I assume it was something like what CJ is doing now.
19.) Jacksonville Jaguars (5-4)
God knows how they are 5-4. God knows how they will be two games over .500 after they take care of Buffalo at home. I guess I have to assume that they are good, but how can that be after they lost 41-0 in Seattle. That is probably the worst performance by any team this season, and now this team is a wild-card contender? Really? How is this happening, they are technically ahead of Houston. I am stunned beyond belief.
18.) Atlanta Falcons (5-4)
Thank God those Matt Ryan is the next Peyton Manning comparisons have stopped. Those were always insane. What about these rookie year numbers: 3440 yds, 16 tds, 11 ints made anyone think he is the next Manning. Those are Delhomme numbers. Sure he was a rookie, but come on. What did he show that made people think he was a sure-fire hall of famer, or "One of the ten best QBs in the game today" as some put it at the start of the season. Sure, I had him in the top-10 in my QB rankings not long ago, but that was for now and the future. He is not top-10 now, especially after a JaMarcus-ian regression the past few weeks.
17.) Miami Dolphins (4-5)
Wildcat fever may be leaving Miami after Ronnie Brown's injury, and that may be the death knell to a whimpering playoff hope, but they are a hard, tough out every week. They are alot like the Parcell's Cowboys teams (pre-Romo), when you could beat them, but you have to play physical smart football and not make mistakes. They will be great in a couple years if, you know, they get people who can actually catch the ball.
16.) Carolina Panthers (4-5)
I don't think I could have changed my opinion on the outlook of a team any more than I did about the Cats, but I am fully entrenched in the "They have a legitimate shot of stealing the 6th seed." Look at it, Delhomme has stopped throwing ints, their running game is in near-2008 form and their defense is stout enough. They are only one game behind the Philly/Giants/Green Bay platter at 5-4. Those, and the Cowboys, are the real teams fighting for those two wild cards, and why can't they do it? Why not?
15.) Green Bay Packers (5-4)
Nice performance, plus I called it! That was a man-up game against the Cowboys. That was a great defensive performance for a team that was just shredded by Tampa Bay. Aaron Rodgers is still getting all the protection of a thrice-used condom, but Ryan Grant has started to move the ball again. They are in that Carolina/Giants boat, and it will be an interesting case of roullette for those wild-card spots.
14.) Philadelphia Eagles (5-4)
Thank you, Philly, for reawakening the dormant heart of San Diego. Also, thanks for rejuvenating LaDainian Tomlinson. I have never seen a game where every team RedZone turns me over to it, one team is making all the plays but still losing by 19. Also, I am shocked they did not make that comeback. I guess I forgot to realize that after San Diego the most emotionless team is Philadelphia.
13.) Dallas Cowboys (6-3)
I am scared that Tony Romo might turn into Tony Romo again, and leading to the mass killings of hundreds in Dallas, and the loss of Wade Philips snarky gloom grin's job and Jerry Jones' sanity. Why did they not run the ball more? How could they essentially get shut out by Green Bay? How could Roy Williams continue to suck when he actually was good in Detroit? How could I still have them this high?
12.) Baltimore Ravens (5-4)
If they are for real, they beat the Colts. The Colts are ragged, tired from that draining comeback, and the Ravens are still fighting for their lives. If they are real, they play the same defense they have been for three straight games. However, as their defense has become better, their offense has regressed. Flacco is still outperforming his fellow sophomore Matty Ice, but their offense is slowly resembling the Tony Banks/Scott Mitchell/Trent Dilfer/Anthony Wright Ravens (I could have gone on for 10 more crappy QBs).
11.) New York Giants (5-4)
I still believe they are the best team in their division. This was a radically different team, but the 2002 Raiders are a good comparison to what the Giants are going through. (Get off the ledge, Giants fans, that was a good Raider team, this is a good thing.) The Raiders, like the Giants, started 4-0, and then dropped 4 straight and were passed by 6-2 San Diego and 6-2 Denver, much like Philly and the Cowboys passing 5-4 Giants. Those Raiders finished the year off with a 7-1 run and ended with a trip to the Super Bowl. There, Giants. You Happy?
10.) Denver Broncos (6-3)
This team cannot be as bad as they have been the last three weeks. Now, if Kyle Orton is out for any considerable amount of time, they can easily be as bad as they have been the last three weeks, but reports look good. They beat San Diego easily a month ago, and they could easily do it again this weekend, but right now something is amiss. We will hear from the fighting McDaniels again. We will.
9.) San Deigo Chargers (6-3)
I hate this team. They are about as schizophrenic as they come, and I know that if they play the Colts, they will show up, but if they play any other great team come playoff time (Steelers, Pats, Bengals) they will fold like cheap napkins. I hate them, I hate them. But give them credit, as they beat two similar teams the last two weeks. I'll give them credit, for now.
8.) Houston Texans (5-4)
Yeah, they are this good. People have forgotten about them as they had the bye, but the Monday Night game will help bring the focus right to Houston. They can be great, great, great on offense and their defense has improved alot recently. I still think that they will hand the Colts their first loss in two weeks, and they will a tough, tough out come playoff time.
7.) Arizona Cardinals (6-3)
They finally won at home, even though they started out playing awful, but outscored the Hawks 31-6 the last three quarters. That was impressive. They are still undefeated on the road, and I still think that they have a shot at that #2 seed. They have a level that they can reach at times that only two teams in the NFL can match. Their peak is Everest high, and that is why I can actually see this team returning to the Super Bowl. Larry Fitzgerald continues to amaze. Beanie Wells in finally ending the "hyped-up Ohio State skill players sucking ass in the NFL" curse that has been prolonged by Tedd "What are these things at the end of my arms for?" Ginn and Bobby "Why is that large black man running at me. Oh my God, I have to run away" Carpenter. They are a good team, and their run is coming. I just hope they don't decide to give up after clinching the division like last year.
6.) New England Patriots (6-3)
Full opinion of the Sunday Night Classic will come in the next post, but that was an impressive second quarter on Sunday Night. That really was it. They scored 10 points in the entire second half. When they really wanted to get first downs late in the fourth quarter they could not. I think that Tom Brady would not be able to shred the Colts again like he did, and he won't be able to do that against the Jets on Sunday. However, that defense does impress me. Their young guys are all players, and they will be hard to throw on consistently.
5.) Pittsburgh Steelers (6-3)
Losing to the 4th ranked team is no big deal. I still feel like they can be a 12 win team, however that is not going to be good enough to get that division back. The division is gone, much like in 2005 when they lost the game to the Bengals in Heinz Field. That year, they went on a spree in the playoffs and ran off with "one for the thumb" and Jerome Bettis walked (fatty can't run) off to the limelight. They will have to be dealt with, I just hope before they get to Lucas Oil Stadium.
4.) Minnesota Vikings (8-1)
They are 8-1, and they have two easy games coming up. So, they will be 10-1 with one of the most distinct home field advantages. Yet, I still feel like something is missing. Maybe it is the fact their coach is awful as hell, and wears a McDonald's drive-through like headphone piece. Brett Favre is not some new Chad Pennington game-manager, he's the same guy. The old Favre will show up sooner or later.
3.) Cincinnatti Bengals (7-2)
Damn, that was impressive. They have now the most impressive resume of any NFL team not named Indianapolis, sweeping both Baltimore and Pittsburgh, going to Lambeau and beating the Packers, absolutely destroying the Bears and beating the Bengals before the Gods graced Brandon Stokley for his courageousness as a white-receiver in the NFL. They are impressive. They have a relatively easy schedule, and if the Pats lose to the Saints, they are almost guaranteed the second seed. We all have to get used to the fact that one of the games in divisional weekend will be the Bengals hosting a team. That is scary.
2.) New Orleans Saints (9-0)
They are still undefeated, and that is all that matters. Sure they played a close game against the Rams, but remember the '07 Patriots needed a last-minute defensive stand to beat an AJ Feeley coached Eagles team. Indy needed a defensive stand to beat the 49ers. It happens. If they play badly this week against Tampa then I would be worried slightly. However, I guarantee you that they show up for the Monday night showdown against the Pats in two weeks.
1.) Indianapolis Colts (9-0)
Welcome back, boys. Sure they benifited from Belichick's call, but there was not one person, or fan, or even Patriots supporter, that thought that if they had punted on 4th and 2 Manning was not going to drive down the field and win the game anyway. So, it is purely a Colts comeback and a Pats defensive meltdown that changed this game. It was the Colts great play in the 4th quarter on defense. Here were the drives by the Pats in the first quarter: 1 first down and punt, 1 first down and FG (off the Wilhite Interception) and 0 first downs and turnover on downs. The Colts violently outplayed the Pats to the level that the Pats outplayed them in the late first and early second quarter. This team avoided its sure loss game (like how the Pats somehow escaped the Ravens game in 2007 with a win), and that is a great sign. The AFC runs through Indianapolis, and that is a good thing.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Week 10 NFL Picks
Doing this on Thursday because of the new Thursday Night Games.
Chicago @ San Francisco (-2.5)
Interesting game. Both of these teams are in a free-fall. For the Bears, the reason is simple. Brian Urlacher's gone, the backup is gone, the corners have lost the ability to cover and Tommie Harris went full-Mike-Tyson last week. Not good, not good at all. All I have to say is that the Lovie Smith era has been fun. There were some great moments, mostly occuring back in 2005 and 2006, when Rex Grossman was your quarterback (God, is that scary). In all seriousness though, the Bears are in bad, bad shape. As for the 49ers, they are in worse shape. They are losers of four straight. They are 0-3 with Michael Crabtree in the lineup. Crabtree may already have five times as many catches, but at least Darrius Heyward-Bey has won two games. I would be all set to pick the Bears, but on a short week and a pretty long travel for Chicago, I just can't do it. The 49ers also need this game more. Now, Chicago does as well, but with Atlanta being inconsistent, the Giants sputtering and the Eagles propensity to, let's say, lose games to Oakland types, no one is running away with the last WC spot. The niners take a game in what will probably be their only alive crowd all year.
Bears 20 49ers 27 (SF)
Atlanta (-1.5) @ Carolina
My first prediction in my "10 Second Half Predictions" was that Carolina and Miami would make runs. Looking at the schedules, I was having a hard time sorting through the clusterfuck that will become the NFC Wildcard race. Let's break it down: As of right now, the Eagles and Falcons are your wild card team if the playoffs start today. Now, they are both only a half game up on the Giants, who get one more meeting against both of them. The Bears and Packers are both playing some truly shitty football at this current point, but are only a game back. The Panthers, Niners and Seahawks are all 3-5, and I predict that the Dallas resurgence is not for real, and Dallas will begin to resemble hard excrement come December. My guess is that the Eagles leapfrog Dallas. The Giants are the best team of all that I have mentioned, so I say they take the game against Atlanta and step up to the plate. Now, I could legitimately see Carolina jumping into this thing. 9-7 may be good enough to do it, and since Carolina will probably have lost to three AFC teams, their 9-4 potential NFC record could actually get them a wild-card spot. I cannot believe that I am actually talking myself into Carolina as the last wild-card team, but either way, it starts this week. BTW, all of that meandering means that Jake Delhomme will promptly go out and throw 4 picks.
Falcons 17 Panthers 27 (CAR)
Tampa Bay @ Miami (-9.5)
Even though I expect Miami to make a nice spoiler that is an awful lot of points to a team that looked like it finally realized that NFL is in season last week. Miami should win this game, and they will, because Tampa's defense still lacks any semblance of an identity. That is not good against the Wildcat/Pistol offense that Miami runs. Still, I just see that line and it strikes me as being way, way too high. Josh Freeman was great last week when it mattered, and Miami is also suited for a let-down after they fought their fins off (get it, "fins". OK, sorry, I will do better) against New England. Now, considering that Bill Parcells and Tony Sparano may get into a mafioso gunfight if they lose to their Floridian rivals, I have to believe they still win.
Buccaneers 16 Dolphins 23 (TB)
Detroit @ Minnesota (-16.5)
Man, that is a high line. The Vikings beat Detroit by that much in Detroit. Of course, that became the game infamous for a hot drunken lionness being arrested after cursing out random Lions fans. Sadly, Vikings fans won't do the same. Now that is not to say that they wont fight, because those norseman will throw helmet around all the time, but it will not include any fan hot enough to turn me on in a weird, unexplainable way. Anyway, the Vikings are just better than the Lions in every conceivable way, and it will show. It is amazing that they are about to be 8-1. Just amazing, because I know it will all be for not come January.
Lions 13 Vikings 34 (MIN)
Jacksonville @ New York (a) (-6.5)
This is an odd line for a team that has not beaten anyone not quarterbacked by JaMarcus Russell since September. Honestly, I think that Rex Ryan has gained weight, not because of nervously eating at roughly 10 buffets per week, becuase he has stopped burning calories after opening his gaping wide mouth. Him and Bart Scott (yet another LB that has lost his luster when leaving the protective shadow of Raymond Lewis - however, the other ones had the decency to shut the fuck up when their play started to decline, unlike Bartabus Scott) have been oddly quiet recently. Somehow, the Jaguars are 4-4 and with a win will have the same record as Houston, although being about a 50 times less scary team. Somehow, they can be in the title race. They killed Kansas City last week, before a flukey onside kick made it interesting, but that game was never in doubt. Now, that's what every team should do when they play inferior competition, drill them like a fucking cheap hooker. When the Jets got their opportunity Sanchize played like complete gar-bage agianst the Bills. I cannot believe I will do this, since I thought the Jags would have a 3-13 season and I still think they suck, but they get it done and go above .500. Maybe, just maybe, they will get 50% attendance at their games now.
Jaguars 23 Jets 20 (JAX)
Buffalo @ Tennessee (-6.5)
Stupidest line of the week. As in, it should be higher. If any line should be -16.5 it is this one. Seriously, the Titans are practically good now with a competent QB (it is nearly decapitatingly shocking that the competent QB in question is Vince Young). Chris Johnson makes Adrian Peterson look like a fat slug. Vince Young makes Jeff Fisher look dumb for sticking with his shuffleboard-buddy Kerry Collins for so long. By the way, the Bills stink. They have few redeeming qualities, other than their sadist ability to lose a game where the opposing QB goes 2-17. They are the worst 3-5 team in the NFL. How they beat Carolina a few weeks back is a mystery that is puzzling Einstein in his grave. Trent Edwards is back, and I am even less excited for their prospects now as before. They had a good head coach, Mike Mularkey, who they stupidly fought with and let go four years ago. All that has followed in four years with the Dick "I'm actually dead, it is just that there are fantabulously good taxidermists in Buffalo so no one knows" Jauron and his running 7-9 seasons.
Bills 10 Titans 27 (TEN)
New Orleans (-13.5) @ St. Louis
How is this line not 20. Seriously, St. Louis can play well and lose by 20. New Orleans can play badly to a good Miami team, fall behind 24-3 and win by double digits. St. Louis fans will need police protection, as when they see Brees flinging it around, they will all get inevitably depressed and dangerous with serious Greatest Show on Turf withdrawal. I will not be shocked when I hear a report on Monday morning that there were 2,000 people who jumped off the top of the Gateway Arch.
Saints 38 Rams 13 (NO)
Denver (-3.5) @ Washington
There seems to be a sudden "Denver has been exposed as a Madoff-ian Fraud" movement permeating the NFL media-lyse. I don't get it. All I can say is that media members are so endlessly narcisistic that they want Denver to fail with every living fiber of their being just so they look good when they slammed McDaniels in the offseason. That's why even after they started 6-0, beating the 6-2 Cowboys, 6-2 Patriots and then traveling to San Diego and beating every media member's favorite whore team the "resurgent" 5-3 Chargers, people questioned just how good they are. Now, when they lose two in a row, everyone is shitting out. Maybe, just maybe, they were beaten by a murderously hungry and desperate Ravens team and outclassed by a better Pittsburgh team. Pittsburgh is a great team, that is why they won on Monday Night. Not because Denver suddenly forgot how to play football. Sure, Kyle Orton and that offense has its limitations, namely: the act of throwing a football further than 20 yards, but they are not suddenly worse than the Chargers who they beat in San Diego in a "must-win, critical" game for San Diego. And, by God's almighty grace, they are not worse than the Redskins without Clinton Portis and with a fucking bingo-caller calling offensive plays, and the biggest figurehead leader since George W. Bush (yeah, I fucking said it).
Broncos 28 Redskins 14 (DEN)
Cincinnatti @ Pittsburgh (-6.5)
If the Steelers did not look like the '85 Bears on Monday Night, I would have been really, really tempted to pick the Bengals. The Bengals are a damn good football team. Carson and Ocho have their mojo going strong. Everyone is counting them out again. They were stupidly underdogs last week against a team they had already beaten at home. Now, they are probably stupidly underdogs against a team they have already beaten. In fact, I will still pick the Bengals, although I think the Steelers take the game. The Steelers are loaded. Their defense is finally resembling the 2008 Steelers Championship winning defense. For all the talk of Peyton, Brees and Tommy Boy, Big Ben is completing an insane 70.6% of his passes and has numbers right up there with that trio. Rashard Mendenhall has a Fast Willie 2006 look going on. This is about to get scary. Now, I really hope the media does not overreact to a Bengals loss here, since they are a good team, just not as good as Pittsburgh at home.
Bengals 17 Steelers 20 (CIN)
Kansas City @ Oakland (-1.5)
Amazingly, this is not the first time Oakland has been favored. But this is the first time they have deservedly been favored. The other time was back in Week 3, when they hosted Denver who everyone thought, including yours truly, was still a fraud. Since then, we have learned that Denver is for real, although many people unlearned that fact recently, and we have learned the true fraud is JaMarcus Russell. Honestly, only Ryan Leaf and Cade McNown come close to him in terms of just overall puditry. It is staggering how bad he is. What is more staggering, is that I'm not sure he is any worse than Matt Cassel. Having Randy Moss and Wes Welker can make anyone look good, and now that he is throwing to fuckers name Lance Long, the wrap has come off. This is a game full of frauds, but the only real man is Tom Cable.
Chiefs 14 Raiders 24 (OAK)
Seattle @ Arizona (-8.5)
When these teams met earlier, Arizona killed Seattle in Qwest, which is no easy feet. That was the worst home loss in history of the building (its probably not, but I'm too lazy to fact-check that statement). Luckily for Seattle, this game is in Arizona, where Arizona has stunk (save for one mysterious performance against a good Houston team). Unluckily for Seattle, they flat-out pussy up on the road. They have failed to get within 13 on the road. Arizona will make a run for the two seed, and it starts here. Also, note to Ken Whisenhunt from one of my fantasy teams, can you stop your silly power-trip and inform us of your plan to rest Anquan. I don't care if you don't tell him. Fuck him. But don't fuck all of us Boldin owners. You are better than that, Whizzy!
Seahawks 14 Cardinals 31 (ARZ)
Dallas (-2.5) @ Green Bay
I am a huge believer of the desperate game theory, which states that when two closely-matched teams play, if one needs the game alot more than the other, that team will win. This is one of those games. Dallas is probably at a stage where they can collectively get themselves off to a team picture. They seem so happy. Miles Austin and Tony Romo are seen smiling at each other. Wade Phillips has discovered a facial expression other than suicidal bewilderment. It is all rolling. On the other hand, Green Bay just gave the Buccaneers their first win, and just made Raheem Morris a winner. Now, conventional wisdom would believe that these opposing forces continue in their opposing direction. Well, I fuck conventional wisdom. Green Bay is in desperation mode, and you can't tell me otherwise. They absolutely need this game to get on the right track. Dallas probably thinks they wrapped up the division after last weeks lucky win over Philly.
Cowboys 20 Packers 27 (GB)
Philadelphia @ San Deigo (-2.5)
If I could hate the Chargers any more, I now do. They are such bastards. That was the second time this year that they played like theis weasel, soulless selves for 59 minutes, only to put together a drive out of thin air and win. This is absolute crap. Now, they suck dick at home. They had a putrid performance when hosting Oakland, only winning by 8. They lost to not-so-hot Baltimore at home back in Week 2. Then, they laid an egg in a must-win to Denver (somehow, the "Denver is fraudalent" supporters seem to have forgotten the presence of that game). They have no heart, and I will still believe that. Philly is better than them. I will always believe that. BTW, I am picking a whole lot of underdogs, but that changes dramatically in the next two games.
Eagles 26 Chargers 17 (PHI)
New England @ Indianapolis (-2.5)
Pats fans may like to think that there is a Colts-bias in the media, but look at that fucking line. The Colts are 8-0, they have won 17 straight regular season games. The Pats are 6-2, and are 1-1 in games that are against teams with winning records (the Colts are 2-0). They just had an extra week to prepare for Miami, and won by only 10 at home, yet people seem to think Tom Brady is back. The Colts injuries in the secondary are vastly overrated, as Sanders was barely playing this year and Marlin Jackson was the nickelback. Also, the Pats best QB they have faced this year was Flacco, and they didn't shut him down. Seriously, here is the list of QBs the Pats faced: Edwards (ass), Sanchez (overrated), Ryan (violently overrated), Flacco (good - but they did not stop him), Orton (average - he tore them up), Collins (gave up), Josh Johnson (I don't even need to say anything), and Chad Henne (first big road game). Now they get to face Peyton. That is like going from Pro to All-Madden in Madden. Big statement win for the Colts.
Patriots 17 Colts 31 (IND)
Baltimore (-10.5) @ Cleveland
Honestly, after pushing through those good games above, I feel bad just talking about this game. Honestly, I feel like this is talking about the Florida - Vanderbilt game. This is not even worth discussing. All I will say is that if Mike Holmgren had any sense, he would stay far, far away from Cleveland.
Ravens 31 Browns 10 (BAL)
Enjoy the Games!!
Last Week: 7-6
Season: 75-54
Chicago @ San Francisco (-2.5)
Interesting game. Both of these teams are in a free-fall. For the Bears, the reason is simple. Brian Urlacher's gone, the backup is gone, the corners have lost the ability to cover and Tommie Harris went full-Mike-Tyson last week. Not good, not good at all. All I have to say is that the Lovie Smith era has been fun. There were some great moments, mostly occuring back in 2005 and 2006, when Rex Grossman was your quarterback (God, is that scary). In all seriousness though, the Bears are in bad, bad shape. As for the 49ers, they are in worse shape. They are losers of four straight. They are 0-3 with Michael Crabtree in the lineup. Crabtree may already have five times as many catches, but at least Darrius Heyward-Bey has won two games. I would be all set to pick the Bears, but on a short week and a pretty long travel for Chicago, I just can't do it. The 49ers also need this game more. Now, Chicago does as well, but with Atlanta being inconsistent, the Giants sputtering and the Eagles propensity to, let's say, lose games to Oakland types, no one is running away with the last WC spot. The niners take a game in what will probably be their only alive crowd all year.
Bears 20 49ers 27 (SF)
Atlanta (-1.5) @ Carolina
My first prediction in my "10 Second Half Predictions" was that Carolina and Miami would make runs. Looking at the schedules, I was having a hard time sorting through the clusterfuck that will become the NFC Wildcard race. Let's break it down: As of right now, the Eagles and Falcons are your wild card team if the playoffs start today. Now, they are both only a half game up on the Giants, who get one more meeting against both of them. The Bears and Packers are both playing some truly shitty football at this current point, but are only a game back. The Panthers, Niners and Seahawks are all 3-5, and I predict that the Dallas resurgence is not for real, and Dallas will begin to resemble hard excrement come December. My guess is that the Eagles leapfrog Dallas. The Giants are the best team of all that I have mentioned, so I say they take the game against Atlanta and step up to the plate. Now, I could legitimately see Carolina jumping into this thing. 9-7 may be good enough to do it, and since Carolina will probably have lost to three AFC teams, their 9-4 potential NFC record could actually get them a wild-card spot. I cannot believe that I am actually talking myself into Carolina as the last wild-card team, but either way, it starts this week. BTW, all of that meandering means that Jake Delhomme will promptly go out and throw 4 picks.
Falcons 17 Panthers 27 (CAR)
Tampa Bay @ Miami (-9.5)
Even though I expect Miami to make a nice spoiler that is an awful lot of points to a team that looked like it finally realized that NFL is in season last week. Miami should win this game, and they will, because Tampa's defense still lacks any semblance of an identity. That is not good against the Wildcat/Pistol offense that Miami runs. Still, I just see that line and it strikes me as being way, way too high. Josh Freeman was great last week when it mattered, and Miami is also suited for a let-down after they fought their fins off (get it, "fins". OK, sorry, I will do better) against New England. Now, considering that Bill Parcells and Tony Sparano may get into a mafioso gunfight if they lose to their Floridian rivals, I have to believe they still win.
Buccaneers 16 Dolphins 23 (TB)
Detroit @ Minnesota (-16.5)
Man, that is a high line. The Vikings beat Detroit by that much in Detroit. Of course, that became the game infamous for a hot drunken lionness being arrested after cursing out random Lions fans. Sadly, Vikings fans won't do the same. Now that is not to say that they wont fight, because those norseman will throw helmet around all the time, but it will not include any fan hot enough to turn me on in a weird, unexplainable way. Anyway, the Vikings are just better than the Lions in every conceivable way, and it will show. It is amazing that they are about to be 8-1. Just amazing, because I know it will all be for not come January.
Lions 13 Vikings 34 (MIN)
Jacksonville @ New York (a) (-6.5)
This is an odd line for a team that has not beaten anyone not quarterbacked by JaMarcus Russell since September. Honestly, I think that Rex Ryan has gained weight, not because of nervously eating at roughly 10 buffets per week, becuase he has stopped burning calories after opening his gaping wide mouth. Him and Bart Scott (yet another LB that has lost his luster when leaving the protective shadow of Raymond Lewis - however, the other ones had the decency to shut the fuck up when their play started to decline, unlike Bartabus Scott) have been oddly quiet recently. Somehow, the Jaguars are 4-4 and with a win will have the same record as Houston, although being about a 50 times less scary team. Somehow, they can be in the title race. They killed Kansas City last week, before a flukey onside kick made it interesting, but that game was never in doubt. Now, that's what every team should do when they play inferior competition, drill them like a fucking cheap hooker. When the Jets got their opportunity Sanchize played like complete gar-bage agianst the Bills. I cannot believe I will do this, since I thought the Jags would have a 3-13 season and I still think they suck, but they get it done and go above .500. Maybe, just maybe, they will get 50% attendance at their games now.
Jaguars 23 Jets 20 (JAX)
Buffalo @ Tennessee (-6.5)
Stupidest line of the week. As in, it should be higher. If any line should be -16.5 it is this one. Seriously, the Titans are practically good now with a competent QB (it is nearly decapitatingly shocking that the competent QB in question is Vince Young). Chris Johnson makes Adrian Peterson look like a fat slug. Vince Young makes Jeff Fisher look dumb for sticking with his shuffleboard-buddy Kerry Collins for so long. By the way, the Bills stink. They have few redeeming qualities, other than their sadist ability to lose a game where the opposing QB goes 2-17. They are the worst 3-5 team in the NFL. How they beat Carolina a few weeks back is a mystery that is puzzling Einstein in his grave. Trent Edwards is back, and I am even less excited for their prospects now as before. They had a good head coach, Mike Mularkey, who they stupidly fought with and let go four years ago. All that has followed in four years with the Dick "I'm actually dead, it is just that there are fantabulously good taxidermists in Buffalo so no one knows" Jauron and his running 7-9 seasons.
Bills 10 Titans 27 (TEN)
New Orleans (-13.5) @ St. Louis
How is this line not 20. Seriously, St. Louis can play well and lose by 20. New Orleans can play badly to a good Miami team, fall behind 24-3 and win by double digits. St. Louis fans will need police protection, as when they see Brees flinging it around, they will all get inevitably depressed and dangerous with serious Greatest Show on Turf withdrawal. I will not be shocked when I hear a report on Monday morning that there were 2,000 people who jumped off the top of the Gateway Arch.
Saints 38 Rams 13 (NO)
Denver (-3.5) @ Washington
There seems to be a sudden "Denver has been exposed as a Madoff-ian Fraud" movement permeating the NFL media-lyse. I don't get it. All I can say is that media members are so endlessly narcisistic that they want Denver to fail with every living fiber of their being just so they look good when they slammed McDaniels in the offseason. That's why even after they started 6-0, beating the 6-2 Cowboys, 6-2 Patriots and then traveling to San Diego and beating every media member's favorite whore team the "resurgent" 5-3 Chargers, people questioned just how good they are. Now, when they lose two in a row, everyone is shitting out. Maybe, just maybe, they were beaten by a murderously hungry and desperate Ravens team and outclassed by a better Pittsburgh team. Pittsburgh is a great team, that is why they won on Monday Night. Not because Denver suddenly forgot how to play football. Sure, Kyle Orton and that offense has its limitations, namely: the act of throwing a football further than 20 yards, but they are not suddenly worse than the Chargers who they beat in San Diego in a "must-win, critical" game for San Diego. And, by God's almighty grace, they are not worse than the Redskins without Clinton Portis and with a fucking bingo-caller calling offensive plays, and the biggest figurehead leader since George W. Bush (yeah, I fucking said it).
Broncos 28 Redskins 14 (DEN)
Cincinnatti @ Pittsburgh (-6.5)
If the Steelers did not look like the '85 Bears on Monday Night, I would have been really, really tempted to pick the Bengals. The Bengals are a damn good football team. Carson and Ocho have their mojo going strong. Everyone is counting them out again. They were stupidly underdogs last week against a team they had already beaten at home. Now, they are probably stupidly underdogs against a team they have already beaten. In fact, I will still pick the Bengals, although I think the Steelers take the game. The Steelers are loaded. Their defense is finally resembling the 2008 Steelers Championship winning defense. For all the talk of Peyton, Brees and Tommy Boy, Big Ben is completing an insane 70.6% of his passes and has numbers right up there with that trio. Rashard Mendenhall has a Fast Willie 2006 look going on. This is about to get scary. Now, I really hope the media does not overreact to a Bengals loss here, since they are a good team, just not as good as Pittsburgh at home.
Bengals 17 Steelers 20 (CIN)
Kansas City @ Oakland (-1.5)
Amazingly, this is not the first time Oakland has been favored. But this is the first time they have deservedly been favored. The other time was back in Week 3, when they hosted Denver who everyone thought, including yours truly, was still a fraud. Since then, we have learned that Denver is for real, although many people unlearned that fact recently, and we have learned the true fraud is JaMarcus Russell. Honestly, only Ryan Leaf and Cade McNown come close to him in terms of just overall puditry. It is staggering how bad he is. What is more staggering, is that I'm not sure he is any worse than Matt Cassel. Having Randy Moss and Wes Welker can make anyone look good, and now that he is throwing to fuckers name Lance Long, the wrap has come off. This is a game full of frauds, but the only real man is Tom Cable.
Chiefs 14 Raiders 24 (OAK)
Seattle @ Arizona (-8.5)
When these teams met earlier, Arizona killed Seattle in Qwest, which is no easy feet. That was the worst home loss in history of the building (its probably not, but I'm too lazy to fact-check that statement). Luckily for Seattle, this game is in Arizona, where Arizona has stunk (save for one mysterious performance against a good Houston team). Unluckily for Seattle, they flat-out pussy up on the road. They have failed to get within 13 on the road. Arizona will make a run for the two seed, and it starts here. Also, note to Ken Whisenhunt from one of my fantasy teams, can you stop your silly power-trip and inform us of your plan to rest Anquan. I don't care if you don't tell him. Fuck him. But don't fuck all of us Boldin owners. You are better than that, Whizzy!
Seahawks 14 Cardinals 31 (ARZ)
Dallas (-2.5) @ Green Bay
I am a huge believer of the desperate game theory, which states that when two closely-matched teams play, if one needs the game alot more than the other, that team will win. This is one of those games. Dallas is probably at a stage where they can collectively get themselves off to a team picture. They seem so happy. Miles Austin and Tony Romo are seen smiling at each other. Wade Phillips has discovered a facial expression other than suicidal bewilderment. It is all rolling. On the other hand, Green Bay just gave the Buccaneers their first win, and just made Raheem Morris a winner. Now, conventional wisdom would believe that these opposing forces continue in their opposing direction. Well, I fuck conventional wisdom. Green Bay is in desperation mode, and you can't tell me otherwise. They absolutely need this game to get on the right track. Dallas probably thinks they wrapped up the division after last weeks lucky win over Philly.
Cowboys 20 Packers 27 (GB)
Philadelphia @ San Deigo (-2.5)
If I could hate the Chargers any more, I now do. They are such bastards. That was the second time this year that they played like theis weasel, soulless selves for 59 minutes, only to put together a drive out of thin air and win. This is absolute crap. Now, they suck dick at home. They had a putrid performance when hosting Oakland, only winning by 8. They lost to not-so-hot Baltimore at home back in Week 2. Then, they laid an egg in a must-win to Denver (somehow, the "Denver is fraudalent" supporters seem to have forgotten the presence of that game). They have no heart, and I will still believe that. Philly is better than them. I will always believe that. BTW, I am picking a whole lot of underdogs, but that changes dramatically in the next two games.
Eagles 26 Chargers 17 (PHI)
New England @ Indianapolis (-2.5)
Pats fans may like to think that there is a Colts-bias in the media, but look at that fucking line. The Colts are 8-0, they have won 17 straight regular season games. The Pats are 6-2, and are 1-1 in games that are against teams with winning records (the Colts are 2-0). They just had an extra week to prepare for Miami, and won by only 10 at home, yet people seem to think Tom Brady is back. The Colts injuries in the secondary are vastly overrated, as Sanders was barely playing this year and Marlin Jackson was the nickelback. Also, the Pats best QB they have faced this year was Flacco, and they didn't shut him down. Seriously, here is the list of QBs the Pats faced: Edwards (ass), Sanchez (overrated), Ryan (violently overrated), Flacco (good - but they did not stop him), Orton (average - he tore them up), Collins (gave up), Josh Johnson (I don't even need to say anything), and Chad Henne (first big road game). Now they get to face Peyton. That is like going from Pro to All-Madden in Madden. Big statement win for the Colts.
Patriots 17 Colts 31 (IND)
Baltimore (-10.5) @ Cleveland
Honestly, after pushing through those good games above, I feel bad just talking about this game. Honestly, I feel like this is talking about the Florida - Vanderbilt game. This is not even worth discussing. All I will say is that if Mike Holmgren had any sense, he would stay far, far away from Cleveland.
Ravens 31 Browns 10 (BAL)
Enjoy the Games!!
Last Week: 7-6
Season: 75-54
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
10 NFL Predictions at the Halway Point
With every NFL team having played 8 games (HOU and NYG have both played 9), we are at the half-way point of the season. Here are 10 predictions for the second half, along with updated Playoff Projections and Predictions at the end.
1.) Miami and Carolina both end up 8-8 or 9-7.
They are the best of the 3-5 teams. They have both played the Saints extremely well. They can both run the ball really, really well. Both of their defenses will keep them in games. Both of their QBs can manage the game. They both have good solid coaches. They both started out too slow for them to make a strong push, but believe me. They won't quit. You don't quit on Tony Sparano. Their schedules are not too tough either.
2.) Pittsburgh goes on a huge run that makes them everyone's favorite.
They finally got the major publicity a defending champion on a 5 game winning streak deserves with that blowout of Denver yesterday. However, people, like they often do in the NFL, overreacted after their 1-2 start. They lost a game in Chicago where their usually reliable kicker (when sober) Jeff Reed missed two game-winning kicks and then last second in Cincinnatti, a very good team. Now, check this upcoming slate of games: vs CIN, @ KC, @ BAL, vs OAK, @ CLE, vs GB, vs BAL, @ MIA. I'm saying they beat Cincy this weekend, and then one of two things happen. They either sweep Baltimore, in which case will win out and rest their starters in the last week, as Indy will be 14-1 at the time, or go 1-1 against Baltimore, in which case they don't rest their starters against Miami in Week 17. They are primed to go 13-3. Now, assuming one of those two scenarios plays out, they will be on a 12-1 tear since that 1-2 start. Will be a one loss team (I think 9-1) with Polamalu. Honestly, I am dead scared of them sneaking out the #1 seed under Indy's nose. They will gather all the media attention with their scorching hot play, the return of the best defense in the league and the subtle fact that they won the Super Bowl (that's right, the Steelers won last year. Not the New England Patriots, as you, and Las Vegas, might have heard). This will make them everyone's darling to go into Indianapolis and upset the Colts again. More on that scenario later.
3.) The Cowboys fold late and miss the playoffs, and the Giants take their spot.
I just do not trust them. Sure, they won the Eagles game, but I was not impressed. They got another bullshit Miles Austin TD. How many more weeks can that facade work. I'll say two. In fact, I'll say zero, as I think they will lose in Green Bay this weekend. On the other hands, everyone has seemed to give up on the Giants, on account of their 4 straight losses. Now, everyone was orgasming over the Manning-Bowl possibilities after their 5-0 start. Now, they are not as good as that team, but nowhere near as bad as the 0-4 team. They outplayed the Chargers, they did. That was a good performance. They have alot of tough games ahead, but alot of those games can greatly help their cause if they turn it around. They have Dallas again, in New York. If they win that, they essentially make up two games against the Cowboys, as they would have swept them. They have Atlanta after the bye in New York, another team they should beat and another prime WC competitor. Now, here is the scenario I see playing out. The Giants lose to the Eagles and at Denver, and enter the last weekend 9-6. The Cowboys enter the last weekend, after losing at NY, GB and New Orleans, at 10-5. The Eagles, who lose @ Atlanta and Chicago enter Week 17 at 10-5. Now, here is where it gets interesting. The Eagles play the Cowboys in St. Jerry's Basilica in Week 17 for the division title. The Eagles, in a nice rekindling of last years 44-6 guilliotining, beat the Cowboys in their shrine to win the East. Then, in Minnesota the Vikings and Giants play. The Vikings need the game to clinch the #2 seed, but the more desperate (and honestly, possibly more talented) Giants need it to get it. If the Giants win, they are in, having swept the now 10-6 Cowboys. A desperate Giants team wins it, knocking the Cowboys out of the playoffs, and forcing Wade Philips to return to his papaya-fields.
4.) The Saints and Colts both lose, however not where you would expect.
Ok. After that long, long, circuitous one, heres an easy one. Conventional wisdom says that both of these teams hardest tests are against the team defending its perch atop the 16-0 mountain, the Pats. The Pats get the chance this weekend to end the Colts shot at perfection and then the Saints host the Pats on Monday Night two weeks later. However, when you think of the recent teams to threaten the 16-0 threshold (the '08 Titans (10-0). '06 Colts (9-0), '05 Colts (13-0), '03 Chiefs (9-0), and '98 Broncos (13-0)) it is never the obvious team that ends it. In the case of every team, except for the '06 Colts, it was a non-playoff team that ended it (NYJ beat TEN, SD beat IND (05), CIN beat KC, NYG beat DEN). And in the '06 Colts case, it was the 9-7 Broncos, who at the time no one really thought could beat the Colts. It won't be the Pats. When you have teams as good as the Colts and Saints, there is a pride they take in playing home primetime games. Of course, since Indy has only had road games in primetime this year (@ MIA, @ ARZ, @ TEN), I am basing this theory off the old Colts. However, the Saints have hosted the Falcons and beat them up (some late flukey fumbles and onside kicks made it seem much, much closer than the real game itself). They have been great in the dome at night historically (last years 51-24 win over GB, the 06 return to the Dome game). They won't lose to NE on Monday Night. They will be too charged up, and frankly, NE is not good enough defensively to beat them. I say they lose on the road to the Falcons. I say, at that point, Atlanta is 7-5, fighting for its playoff life, while at 12-0 the Saints have locked up the division, and essentially home field. The more desperate team wins in front of its charged up crowd. As for Indianapolis, they too have a pride in night games. Excluding the playoffs, they are a pristine 16-3 in primetime games. The losses were two games pre-Manning recovery in 2008 (vs CHI on opening Sunday Night and @ TEN) and the 6-int game @ SD in 2007, where Vinatieri missed a game-winning 26 yd FG at the gun. They are amazing in night games. They are better than New England, and they will want to show the world this little fact on Sunday Night. Now, I say they will lose @ Houston in Week 12. Houston, which I say will be 6-4, will be a desperate ballclub, and will play for their season, against a 10-0 Colts team which has wrapped that division up. I also say the Colts other loss will come in the yearly Sorgi game in Week 17, unless the Steelers win out, and they need that game.
5.) Regardless of the outcome of this week's game, the Bengals are playoff bound.
They are damn, damn good. They probably are not as good as Pittsburgh, especially against a suddenly resurgent Pittsburgh defense in Heinz. Say they lose to Pittsburgh, as I predict they will, and they drop to 6-3. They have a two-game tough road trip in Weeks 14-15, with trips to San Diego. Now, they are good enough to sweep that, but say they split, they go to 7-4. Here are their other five games: @ OAK, vs CLE, vs DET, vs KC, @ NYJ. That is beautiful. That is absolutely stunning. Considering the lack of true playoff contenders, 11-5 is almost assuredly good enough to get to the playoffs, so they can even throw up a stinkbomb in that group. Considering this team has swept a good Baltimore team, already beaten Pittsburgh, crushed the Bears and gone into Lambeau and beaten the Pack, I think its safe to say they will take care of business against this week schedule. Carson, welcome back to the scene of the crime 4 years ago. I just hope that he gets more than 2 plays this time.
6.) Regardless of the outcome of this week's game, the Colts will have home field.
I already detailed why I think the Colts will win this weekend, but for humor's sake, say they lose. It will be a travesty. However, the Pats would still have a tough slate, including a trip to New Orleans, which I say they lose, which puts them at best 13-3. Now, the Colts would be 8-1. They don't really have two tough games left. The trip to Baltimore (a team they totally own - and I mean tyranny own) and a home game against Denver (a team they own to a level that makes the Baltimore games look competitive) as their only hard tests other than the possible loss @ Houston. Even if they lose that game to Houston, they can still sweek the other games, putting them at 14-2. That is good enough for the top spot, and that is if they lose to New England, which I don't think they do. This is a great, great time to be a Colts fan, a full two games up on the whole entire conference. I would caution Colts fans that they had a 2 game lead on the entire conference in 2006 (they were 8-0, BAL, SD and NE were all 6-2). They ended up going 4-4 and getting the three seed. I would also like to uncaution Colts fans by saying that was the year the Colts won the Super Bowl. It's all gravy in naptown.
7.) Passing numbers heavily decrease, and go back to normal year's standards.
Bear with me on this one. Right now, Manning is on pace for 5050 yds, Schaub for 4700, Brady for 4700, Brees for 4670, Ben for 4600, and Flacco, Rodgers, Warner, Rivers, Cutler and Romo on pace for over 4000. The 11 players over 4000 would break the 2007 record of 7. It is getting ridiculous. Total Yardage by teams is not up, and neither is scoring, but passing yardage is skyrocketing. Making this weirder is that just last year, passing was relatively down from 2006-2007. I see nearly every QB's pace going down (with the possible exception of Brees and Schaub). Cutler, Brady, Rodgers, Ben and surprisingly Warner all have mutliple games in cold weather places. Teams like New England, New Orleans, Minnesota, Arizona, Indianapolis could rest starters, which limit passing yardage. This is the biggest untold story of the year. The total increase of passing numbers. What will also assuage this is the historical fact of numbers decreasing over the second half, as injuries pile up, and film on teams passing games increase. December and January are for the runner. Honestly, I will be stunned if Ben, Flacco and Cutler are still over 4000 at the end of the year. All the other have realistic to bear certain shots at the number. It is still alot, but expect passing numbers to go down.
8.) There will be 4 teams that go 3-13 or worse.
This is depressing to even write. I'm too lazy to go back historically to see if this has ever happened before. However, we have the following teams at one loss: DET, KC, CLE, STL, TB. I say only one of those teams wins three games in the second half. Who is that team? God only knows, but having all five stay this awful is just impossible. It is a sad, sad day when the list of crap awful teams is this long, but that is what we find ourselves in in 2009.
9.) The Minnesota @ Arizona game decides the #2 seed in the NFC.
This is probably one of my bigger shockers. Minnesota is swimming smoothly at 7-1, with three easy games up coming (and when I say easy, I mean DET, SEA, CHI all at home). Now, I wouldn't be stunned if they lose the Chicago game at home, but either way, even if they are 10-1, they are not a shoo-in for the two seed, let alone the top seed. They have a brutal last five games, starting with the showdown against Zona. Now, leaving out that game, they play CIN, @CHI, @ CAR, NYG in the last four weeks. I see 2-2 in that stretch. I see them losing to a desperate NYG team (detailed in point 2) and one of the other three. Going to Carolina, against a team that prides itself on playing spoiler in some years, or even Chicago, fighting for its playoff life are both tough. Cincinnatti is good enough to beat Minnesota in Minnesota. I say they go 2-2 (not sure which is the other loss from the first three, but it happens, OK). That puts them at 12-3. Arizona, on the other hand has really no truly diffucult game other than the Minnesota game. Honestly, if they run the table, I would not be overly shocked. These are their other 7 remaining games: vs SEA, @ STL, @ TEN, @ SF, @ DET, vs STL, vs GB. They get the luck of playing the last two at home (although they have been strangely better at home). Now, the one that stares out at me is the game @ Tennessee. Tennessee will be in full fight mode, and they, much like Carolina to Minnesota, are a proud team that has the ability (as seen in 2008) to beat them. However, I cannot see them dropping more than one of those games. So, if they go 7-0 or 6-1, they are essentially 12-3 or 11-4 outside of the Minnesota game. Amazingly, with Minnesota at 12-3 and Arizona at 12-3 or 11-4, its purely winner take all. No matter what record Arizona has, that game is for the #2 seed. People may be totally engulfed in Favre-mania, but it may be the other old QB that gets the better of him, and lead the resurgent Cards into a first-round bye. If you told most people now that the game in three weeks would be that important, they would most certainly laugh at you. But, with the relative easiness of the Cards sked against the relative diffuculty of the Vikings, its just that. A hidden, but super important game.
10.) The Colts and Saints defy the odds and make the Super Bowl
Here were the best teams by conference at the midway-point this past decade
2008: TEN (8-0); NYG (7-1)
2007: NE (8-0); DAL & GB (7-1)
2006: IND (8-0); CHI (7-1)
2005: IND (8-0); SEA, NYG, CAR (6-2)
2004: PIT (7-1); PHI (7-1)
2003: KC (8-0); CAR & MIN (6-2)
2002: DEN & SD (6-2), GB (7-1)
2001: MIA, PIT, OAK (6-2); STL (7-1)
2000: TEN & OAK (7-1), STL (7-1)
What strikes you about this list is that alot of these teams did nothing come playoff time. Ironically, all the teams in 2002 and 2008 did not win a playoff game. The only year when the two teams both made it to the Super Bowl was 2006 with the Colts and Bears. Also, only the 2007 Pats, 2005 Hawks, 2004 Eagles, 2003 Panthers and 2001 Rams made it. That means of the 26 teams that either had or tied for the best record in their conference through 8 games, only 8 made the Super Bowl. That means odds are the Colts and Saints don't make it. Well, fuck logic. The Saints, with all their competitors having either hard schedules (MIN) or multiple losses (DAL, PHI, ARZ), are almost assured of that #1 seed (if not 16-0), and they will be unbeateable in that dome come January. There is still the karmic overtone of Katrina. Also, it may have taken three extra years, but they will finally fullfill all the promise they showed in 2006. As for the Colts. One, I am a Colts fan, but two, they two are great in their dome. They have a two-game lead over everyone. This weekend should show you that they can beat New England without guys who presumably will be there come January. The only team that I feel can dent this is Pittsburgh, but I just feel that we need revenge for the Bettis Fumble game. It is happening, people. The exact Super Bowl that everyone wanted in 2006 (seriously, fuck the Bears and Rex Grossman) we will finally get.
Playoffs
AFC: 1 - Colts (14-2); 2 - Steelers (13-3); 3 - Patriots (12-4); 4 - Broncos (11-5); 5 - Bengals (12-4); 6 - Texans (10-6)
NFC: 1 - Saints (15-1); 2 - Cardinals (12-4); 3 - Vikings (12-4); 4 - Eagles (11-5); 5 - Giants (10-6); 6 - Falcons (10-6)
Wild Card Round
AFC: Texans 31 @ Patriots 27; Bengals 24 @ Broncos 16
NFC: Falcons 20 @ Vikings 31; Giants 14 @ Eagles 27
Divisional Round
AFC: Bengals 17 @ Steelers 20; Texans 21 @ Colts 38
NFC: Vikings 27 @ Cardinals 21; Eagles 17 @ Saints 30
Championship Games
AFC: Steelers 13 @ Colts 24
NFC: Vikings 24 @ Saints 37
Super Bowl XLIV
Colts 34 Saints 24 MVP: Manning
1.) Miami and Carolina both end up 8-8 or 9-7.
They are the best of the 3-5 teams. They have both played the Saints extremely well. They can both run the ball really, really well. Both of their defenses will keep them in games. Both of their QBs can manage the game. They both have good solid coaches. They both started out too slow for them to make a strong push, but believe me. They won't quit. You don't quit on Tony Sparano. Their schedules are not too tough either.
2.) Pittsburgh goes on a huge run that makes them everyone's favorite.
They finally got the major publicity a defending champion on a 5 game winning streak deserves with that blowout of Denver yesterday. However, people, like they often do in the NFL, overreacted after their 1-2 start. They lost a game in Chicago where their usually reliable kicker (when sober) Jeff Reed missed two game-winning kicks and then last second in Cincinnatti, a very good team. Now, check this upcoming slate of games: vs CIN, @ KC, @ BAL, vs OAK, @ CLE, vs GB, vs BAL, @ MIA. I'm saying they beat Cincy this weekend, and then one of two things happen. They either sweep Baltimore, in which case will win out and rest their starters in the last week, as Indy will be 14-1 at the time, or go 1-1 against Baltimore, in which case they don't rest their starters against Miami in Week 17. They are primed to go 13-3. Now, assuming one of those two scenarios plays out, they will be on a 12-1 tear since that 1-2 start. Will be a one loss team (I think 9-1) with Polamalu. Honestly, I am dead scared of them sneaking out the #1 seed under Indy's nose. They will gather all the media attention with their scorching hot play, the return of the best defense in the league and the subtle fact that they won the Super Bowl (that's right, the Steelers won last year. Not the New England Patriots, as you, and Las Vegas, might have heard). This will make them everyone's darling to go into Indianapolis and upset the Colts again. More on that scenario later.
3.) The Cowboys fold late and miss the playoffs, and the Giants take their spot.
I just do not trust them. Sure, they won the Eagles game, but I was not impressed. They got another bullshit Miles Austin TD. How many more weeks can that facade work. I'll say two. In fact, I'll say zero, as I think they will lose in Green Bay this weekend. On the other hands, everyone has seemed to give up on the Giants, on account of their 4 straight losses. Now, everyone was orgasming over the Manning-Bowl possibilities after their 5-0 start. Now, they are not as good as that team, but nowhere near as bad as the 0-4 team. They outplayed the Chargers, they did. That was a good performance. They have alot of tough games ahead, but alot of those games can greatly help their cause if they turn it around. They have Dallas again, in New York. If they win that, they essentially make up two games against the Cowboys, as they would have swept them. They have Atlanta after the bye in New York, another team they should beat and another prime WC competitor. Now, here is the scenario I see playing out. The Giants lose to the Eagles and at Denver, and enter the last weekend 9-6. The Cowboys enter the last weekend, after losing at NY, GB and New Orleans, at 10-5. The Eagles, who lose @ Atlanta and Chicago enter Week 17 at 10-5. Now, here is where it gets interesting. The Eagles play the Cowboys in St. Jerry's Basilica in Week 17 for the division title. The Eagles, in a nice rekindling of last years 44-6 guilliotining, beat the Cowboys in their shrine to win the East. Then, in Minnesota the Vikings and Giants play. The Vikings need the game to clinch the #2 seed, but the more desperate (and honestly, possibly more talented) Giants need it to get it. If the Giants win, they are in, having swept the now 10-6 Cowboys. A desperate Giants team wins it, knocking the Cowboys out of the playoffs, and forcing Wade Philips to return to his papaya-fields.
4.) The Saints and Colts both lose, however not where you would expect.
Ok. After that long, long, circuitous one, heres an easy one. Conventional wisdom says that both of these teams hardest tests are against the team defending its perch atop the 16-0 mountain, the Pats. The Pats get the chance this weekend to end the Colts shot at perfection and then the Saints host the Pats on Monday Night two weeks later. However, when you think of the recent teams to threaten the 16-0 threshold (the '08 Titans (10-0). '06 Colts (9-0), '05 Colts (13-0), '03 Chiefs (9-0), and '98 Broncos (13-0)) it is never the obvious team that ends it. In the case of every team, except for the '06 Colts, it was a non-playoff team that ended it (NYJ beat TEN, SD beat IND (05), CIN beat KC, NYG beat DEN). And in the '06 Colts case, it was the 9-7 Broncos, who at the time no one really thought could beat the Colts. It won't be the Pats. When you have teams as good as the Colts and Saints, there is a pride they take in playing home primetime games. Of course, since Indy has only had road games in primetime this year (@ MIA, @ ARZ, @ TEN), I am basing this theory off the old Colts. However, the Saints have hosted the Falcons and beat them up (some late flukey fumbles and onside kicks made it seem much, much closer than the real game itself). They have been great in the dome at night historically (last years 51-24 win over GB, the 06 return to the Dome game). They won't lose to NE on Monday Night. They will be too charged up, and frankly, NE is not good enough defensively to beat them. I say they lose on the road to the Falcons. I say, at that point, Atlanta is 7-5, fighting for its playoff life, while at 12-0 the Saints have locked up the division, and essentially home field. The more desperate team wins in front of its charged up crowd. As for Indianapolis, they too have a pride in night games. Excluding the playoffs, they are a pristine 16-3 in primetime games. The losses were two games pre-Manning recovery in 2008 (vs CHI on opening Sunday Night and @ TEN) and the 6-int game @ SD in 2007, where Vinatieri missed a game-winning 26 yd FG at the gun. They are amazing in night games. They are better than New England, and they will want to show the world this little fact on Sunday Night. Now, I say they will lose @ Houston in Week 12. Houston, which I say will be 6-4, will be a desperate ballclub, and will play for their season, against a 10-0 Colts team which has wrapped that division up. I also say the Colts other loss will come in the yearly Sorgi game in Week 17, unless the Steelers win out, and they need that game.
5.) Regardless of the outcome of this week's game, the Bengals are playoff bound.
They are damn, damn good. They probably are not as good as Pittsburgh, especially against a suddenly resurgent Pittsburgh defense in Heinz. Say they lose to Pittsburgh, as I predict they will, and they drop to 6-3. They have a two-game tough road trip in Weeks 14-15, with trips to San Diego. Now, they are good enough to sweep that, but say they split, they go to 7-4. Here are their other five games: @ OAK, vs CLE, vs DET, vs KC, @ NYJ. That is beautiful. That is absolutely stunning. Considering the lack of true playoff contenders, 11-5 is almost assuredly good enough to get to the playoffs, so they can even throw up a stinkbomb in that group. Considering this team has swept a good Baltimore team, already beaten Pittsburgh, crushed the Bears and gone into Lambeau and beaten the Pack, I think its safe to say they will take care of business against this week schedule. Carson, welcome back to the scene of the crime 4 years ago. I just hope that he gets more than 2 plays this time.
6.) Regardless of the outcome of this week's game, the Colts will have home field.
I already detailed why I think the Colts will win this weekend, but for humor's sake, say they lose. It will be a travesty. However, the Pats would still have a tough slate, including a trip to New Orleans, which I say they lose, which puts them at best 13-3. Now, the Colts would be 8-1. They don't really have two tough games left. The trip to Baltimore (a team they totally own - and I mean tyranny own) and a home game against Denver (a team they own to a level that makes the Baltimore games look competitive) as their only hard tests other than the possible loss @ Houston. Even if they lose that game to Houston, they can still sweek the other games, putting them at 14-2. That is good enough for the top spot, and that is if they lose to New England, which I don't think they do. This is a great, great time to be a Colts fan, a full two games up on the whole entire conference. I would caution Colts fans that they had a 2 game lead on the entire conference in 2006 (they were 8-0, BAL, SD and NE were all 6-2). They ended up going 4-4 and getting the three seed. I would also like to uncaution Colts fans by saying that was the year the Colts won the Super Bowl. It's all gravy in naptown.
7.) Passing numbers heavily decrease, and go back to normal year's standards.
Bear with me on this one. Right now, Manning is on pace for 5050 yds, Schaub for 4700, Brady for 4700, Brees for 4670, Ben for 4600, and Flacco, Rodgers, Warner, Rivers, Cutler and Romo on pace for over 4000. The 11 players over 4000 would break the 2007 record of 7. It is getting ridiculous. Total Yardage by teams is not up, and neither is scoring, but passing yardage is skyrocketing. Making this weirder is that just last year, passing was relatively down from 2006-2007. I see nearly every QB's pace going down (with the possible exception of Brees and Schaub). Cutler, Brady, Rodgers, Ben and surprisingly Warner all have mutliple games in cold weather places. Teams like New England, New Orleans, Minnesota, Arizona, Indianapolis could rest starters, which limit passing yardage. This is the biggest untold story of the year. The total increase of passing numbers. What will also assuage this is the historical fact of numbers decreasing over the second half, as injuries pile up, and film on teams passing games increase. December and January are for the runner. Honestly, I will be stunned if Ben, Flacco and Cutler are still over 4000 at the end of the year. All the other have realistic to bear certain shots at the number. It is still alot, but expect passing numbers to go down.
8.) There will be 4 teams that go 3-13 or worse.
This is depressing to even write. I'm too lazy to go back historically to see if this has ever happened before. However, we have the following teams at one loss: DET, KC, CLE, STL, TB. I say only one of those teams wins three games in the second half. Who is that team? God only knows, but having all five stay this awful is just impossible. It is a sad, sad day when the list of crap awful teams is this long, but that is what we find ourselves in in 2009.
9.) The Minnesota @ Arizona game decides the #2 seed in the NFC.
This is probably one of my bigger shockers. Minnesota is swimming smoothly at 7-1, with three easy games up coming (and when I say easy, I mean DET, SEA, CHI all at home). Now, I wouldn't be stunned if they lose the Chicago game at home, but either way, even if they are 10-1, they are not a shoo-in for the two seed, let alone the top seed. They have a brutal last five games, starting with the showdown against Zona. Now, leaving out that game, they play CIN, @CHI, @ CAR, NYG in the last four weeks. I see 2-2 in that stretch. I see them losing to a desperate NYG team (detailed in point 2) and one of the other three. Going to Carolina, against a team that prides itself on playing spoiler in some years, or even Chicago, fighting for its playoff life are both tough. Cincinnatti is good enough to beat Minnesota in Minnesota. I say they go 2-2 (not sure which is the other loss from the first three, but it happens, OK). That puts them at 12-3. Arizona, on the other hand has really no truly diffucult game other than the Minnesota game. Honestly, if they run the table, I would not be overly shocked. These are their other 7 remaining games: vs SEA, @ STL, @ TEN, @ SF, @ DET, vs STL, vs GB. They get the luck of playing the last two at home (although they have been strangely better at home). Now, the one that stares out at me is the game @ Tennessee. Tennessee will be in full fight mode, and they, much like Carolina to Minnesota, are a proud team that has the ability (as seen in 2008) to beat them. However, I cannot see them dropping more than one of those games. So, if they go 7-0 or 6-1, they are essentially 12-3 or 11-4 outside of the Minnesota game. Amazingly, with Minnesota at 12-3 and Arizona at 12-3 or 11-4, its purely winner take all. No matter what record Arizona has, that game is for the #2 seed. People may be totally engulfed in Favre-mania, but it may be the other old QB that gets the better of him, and lead the resurgent Cards into a first-round bye. If you told most people now that the game in three weeks would be that important, they would most certainly laugh at you. But, with the relative easiness of the Cards sked against the relative diffuculty of the Vikings, its just that. A hidden, but super important game.
10.) The Colts and Saints defy the odds and make the Super Bowl
Here were the best teams by conference at the midway-point this past decade
2008: TEN (8-0); NYG (7-1)
2007: NE (8-0); DAL & GB (7-1)
2006: IND (8-0); CHI (7-1)
2005: IND (8-0); SEA, NYG, CAR (6-2)
2004: PIT (7-1); PHI (7-1)
2003: KC (8-0); CAR & MIN (6-2)
2002: DEN & SD (6-2), GB (7-1)
2001: MIA, PIT, OAK (6-2); STL (7-1)
2000: TEN & OAK (7-1), STL (7-1)
What strikes you about this list is that alot of these teams did nothing come playoff time. Ironically, all the teams in 2002 and 2008 did not win a playoff game. The only year when the two teams both made it to the Super Bowl was 2006 with the Colts and Bears. Also, only the 2007 Pats, 2005 Hawks, 2004 Eagles, 2003 Panthers and 2001 Rams made it. That means of the 26 teams that either had or tied for the best record in their conference through 8 games, only 8 made the Super Bowl. That means odds are the Colts and Saints don't make it. Well, fuck logic. The Saints, with all their competitors having either hard schedules (MIN) or multiple losses (DAL, PHI, ARZ), are almost assured of that #1 seed (if not 16-0), and they will be unbeateable in that dome come January. There is still the karmic overtone of Katrina. Also, it may have taken three extra years, but they will finally fullfill all the promise they showed in 2006. As for the Colts. One, I am a Colts fan, but two, they two are great in their dome. They have a two-game lead over everyone. This weekend should show you that they can beat New England without guys who presumably will be there come January. The only team that I feel can dent this is Pittsburgh, but I just feel that we need revenge for the Bettis Fumble game. It is happening, people. The exact Super Bowl that everyone wanted in 2006 (seriously, fuck the Bears and Rex Grossman) we will finally get.
Playoffs
AFC: 1 - Colts (14-2); 2 - Steelers (13-3); 3 - Patriots (12-4); 4 - Broncos (11-5); 5 - Bengals (12-4); 6 - Texans (10-6)
NFC: 1 - Saints (15-1); 2 - Cardinals (12-4); 3 - Vikings (12-4); 4 - Eagles (11-5); 5 - Giants (10-6); 6 - Falcons (10-6)
Wild Card Round
AFC: Texans 31 @ Patriots 27; Bengals 24 @ Broncos 16
NFC: Falcons 20 @ Vikings 31; Giants 14 @ Eagles 27
Divisional Round
AFC: Bengals 17 @ Steelers 20; Texans 21 @ Colts 38
NFC: Vikings 27 @ Cardinals 21; Eagles 17 @ Saints 30
Championship Games
AFC: Steelers 13 @ Colts 24
NFC: Vikings 24 @ Saints 37
Super Bowl XLIV
Colts 34 Saints 24 MVP: Manning
Week 10 NFL Power Rankings
32.) St. Louis Rams (1-7)
Welcome back to the basement, boys. Hope you enjoyed your week in the sun, but its back to the black box underground in the jail. They still don't have any redeeming qualities other than the continued fantasy success of one Steven B. Jackson, which I am exhilerated by right now. Keep it going Steven. Please, please, for the love of God, don't tank at play down to the level of your shitty team.
31.) Cleveland Browns (1-7)
I think ESPN wants a mulligan for putting them on MNF next week. ESPN really has been awfully lucky with their MNF games. Except for the Philly @ Washington game two weeks ago, all their MNF games have either been close or between two good teams. I'm pretty sure the world-wide leader is having a collective hemorrhage just thinking about a Baltimore-Cleveland game. Honestly, they should just put a running loop of PTI's and that would be alot more popular.
30.) Detroit Lions (1-7)
How do you jump up by 17 and still lose, and not only lose, but not cover a 10 point line. That's really something special. Vegas should give them all a week in the penthouse of the Wynn, because their ineptness just gave Vegas about a trillion dollars. Honestly, they are special.
29.) Kansas City Chiefs (1-7)
Larry Johnson is done. Man, I feel old. I remember when Larry Johnson was a beast (in a great football way, not a racist homophobic-bashing way), and that was a full 4 years ago. Those were the days, before everyone thought San Diego was the most talented team and before people said things like "Your 2008 NFC Champions: the Arizona Cardinals!!!". Those were the days.
28.) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-7)
Impressive win. Josh Freeman played quite well. That was a man-up performance. Honestly, as a Raider fan, I just die another death when I see another rookie starting QB play approxamately 40 times better than JaMarcus. Honestly, what are the chances that we get the worst 1st round QB since Joey Harrington. Seriously, Josh Fucking Freeman is better?? Really?? Yes, yes he is.
27.) Washington Redskins (2-6)
I'll give them credit for being competitive against the Falcons. Of course, they waited until they were down 24-3 to show up, but they did show up, even without Chris Cooley and Portis out for much of the game. On a semi-unrelated note, was I the only one who thought the LaRon Landry shove of Matt Ryan was not nearly as bad and dirty as it was made out to be??
26.) Buffalo Bills (3-5)
Worst 3-5 team of all time. Absolute worst. They are good for 6 good games a year, but they have an odd propensity to lose 6-3 games to really shitty teams. No, Buffalo, I did not forget about that shitstain against the Browns.
25.) Oakland Raiders (2-6)
Ohh, I love these Chiefs games, because I can feel like I am watching a real NFL team in the Raiders. Of course, it would be better if Darren McFadden decided to take out the tampon and actually play a game. But I'll take the small steps first. God, I love the Chiefs.
24.) San Francisco 49ers (3-5)
They've lost 4 straight. Not so coincedently, all of those games came after they signed Michael Crabtree. Now, Michael Crabtree may be a fucking Anaconda, or whatever the media makes him out to be, but sadly he has not yet won a professional football team. Not even a singular one. Mike Singletary may need to pull down the pants again. Also, for all the talk about the Alex Smith resurgence, he's 0-2 as a starter.
23.) Jacksonville Jaguars (4-4)
This is not a .500 team. What is sad is they, incredibly, have legitimate playoff aspirations. I think those aspirations will end when they realize that they have yet to beat an actual good team. They can make a statement if they go to the Meadowlands and win a game. Nothing much to say about them. They are average, they are boring and they will NOT make the playoffs.
22.) Seattle Seahawks (3-5)
I would love this team to be better. They have good fans, who whether the rain constantly. They also whether the most injury-plagued team of all-time, and what seems like a real dipshit as a head coach. Jim Mora has done absolutely nothing to deserve a second job. Nothing.
21.) Tennessee Titans (2-6)
They hit their rock bottom (the fucking Marinas Trench of rock bottoms, with that give up 59-0 game) and they've climbed back to respectable spoiler. They have tough games, so they don't really have a shot at the unbelievable 9-7 playoff bearth, but they believe they do. Vince Young is prefecting the game manager role (another guy that makes me cry when I think of him vs. Russell. Honestly, I thought I could always fall back on the fact that Russell was not a basket-case like VY). Also, this just in. Chris Johnson is amazing.
20.) New York Jets (4-4)
They are just not that good. Honestly, I am so ashamed that after this weekend either they or Jacksonville will be over .500. If there ever should be a mandated tie game in the NFL. Both of those teams are so pleasantly mediocre it is really fun. Also, it seems like a ice age ago that this team took it to New England. I guess its good, as Bart Scott has finally learned what the mute button does.
19.) Chicago Bears (4-4)
Oh my God. They have been so bad recently on defense that it has masked the fact that Jay Cutler was really, really good last week. And that is why I don't have them lower (or higher, depending on your viewpoint). They can be great. They can be a 10-6 playoff team. Of course this is assuming that Matt Forte realizes that the season has started and he wakes up from his first-half hibernation.
18.) Carolina Panthers (3-5)
I'm back on the "They may make a miracle wildcard push". Those were the real Panthers the last 2 weeks. Good enough on defense and passing, and explosively awesome enough at rushing that they can beat anyone. Anyone. They easily could have beaten New Orleans. Now, it seems like we say that alot these days, but they played with them in the Dome, which no one has done. Impressive job by John Fox keeping this team focused, and impressive job by Steve Smith for not punching out Delhomme.
17.) Baltimore Ravens (4-4)
If Bart Scott was still a Raven, he probably would smack me in the nads for putting them this low. However, what choice do I have. They looked lifeless against the Bengals. They reverted back to the 2004-2005 Ravens, a good defensive team that will hold the opponent from 14-24 points, but whose offense sucks. Now, I have been saying for weeks that their offense was smoke and mirrors early. That they had little offensive talent. Finally, I am being vindicated. That was a pitiful offensive performance. Somewhere, Brian Billick is jumping for joy, and Trent Dilfer is smiling a fucking chesire cat grin.
16.) Miami Dolphins (3-5)
They are still the best 3-5 team in NFL history. They played step-to-step with the Pats, but just made one critical mistake of not doubling Moss. Other than that, and more drops by Ted "What are these things at the end of my forearms. Why are they made of granite?" Ginn, they could have beaten the Pats. Still, no one has played Indy or New Orleans close. They are good. Watch out next year, when Henne gets better.
15.) Green Bay Packers (4-4)
If they could just block, and if Aaron Rodgers could just break the "I have to hold the ball for 10 seconds or I will suffer the wrath of Zeus" curse that has been hexed upon him, they would be great. Their defense was not all to bad against the Bucs. They gave up 14 points off ST and and INT-return, and Tampa had a short field all day. They are what they are. A good team, with one glaring, enormous, elephant-sized flaw.
14.) San Diego Chargers (5-3)
That was the most impressive and simultaneously un-impressive win ever. Sure, they finally showed some emotion with their last second TD for the win, but they still were outplayed and should have lost. That win said alot more about the Giants than the Chargers. Now, if they beat a quality team again, with Philly going to SD this week, then, after dodging the lightning bolt signifying the end of the world, I will move them up.
13.) Atlanta Falcons (5-3)
Quietly, they are the 5 seed if the playoffs started today. Now, I would absolutely pick them to lose that opening playoff game, and I would bet every single penny I ever made on it, but still. They are a team that is really flying under the radar, which is shocking considering they have everyone's orgasm of the year in Matt Ryan.
12.) New York Giants (5-4)
Call me a believer. We will hear from them again. Now, what we may hear is the cry of a gap-toothed Strahan saying how much the team needs him, or the cry of Tom Coughlin as the team becomes only the first team to completely strike out at a field-goal attempt in NFL history, but its still something. They cannot be this bad.
11.) Houston Texans (5-4)
They are the best 4 loss team in the NFL. Their loss to Jacksonville is inexplicable, although a very questionable call negating a touchdown did not help. Their loss at Arizona is more explicable, as Arizona is a better team. They hung tough with Indy, after being thoroughly outplayed in the first half. They had me sweating. They will make the playoffs, and also, Matt Schaub is not going to get hurt. It's just not going to happen. So, for all you fantasy guys who used the "Schaub always gets hurt logic" suck on my dick. I believed in him.
10.) Philadelphia Eagles (5-3)
Andy Reid should get chastised for that field-goal call. That was pointless. However, the second challenge, on the McNabb sneak, was not. How that was not overturned is beyond me. He easily picked up the three chain-links he needed for a first down. Sometimes, I think all the refs do is watch a porno when they go over to "review" a call.
9.) Dallas Cowboys (6-2)
Speaking of pornos..... Tony Romo and Miles Austin are both quite good Porno names. Especially the last name of Romo. Anyway, they are playing really well right now. Except, really do you trust them? Many people will have them above Arizona, but really, if those two played tomorrow, I'll pick Arizona, whether the game was in Glendale or the St. Jerry's Basilica. It's just a matter of time before Romo shows those true INT-machine colors.
8.) Arizona Cardinals (5-3)
If they just learned how to win at home, they would be special. They have the second-highest peak of any NFC team behind only the Saints. They can be amazing if they want to. Larry Fitzgerald astounds me every week. His hands are basically vacuum gloves. You get the feeling like Kurt Warner could just heave up a Frozen Turky into the sky, shooting it out of a canon, and Fitz would get it.
7.) Denver Broncos (6-2)
Let's not overreact to the last two games. Baltimore was playing for its life, and Pittsburgh is just better. They still have enough easy games (hello Kansas City, Washington and Kansas City again!!!!) to win that division. They are still a good team, they just got outclassed yesterday. Of course, I could just be saying all this because I, for the life of me, do not want any part of the Chargers come playoff time.
6.) New England Patriots (6-2)
So, Tom Brady says Joey Porter trash-talk motivated him and his team. Thank God for that motivation, because had Joey Porter not opened his mouth, I guess the Pats would have lost. If that was the Pats extra-motivated in a big game then I fear for their future. Honestly, they were playing an average team at home, starting two rookie CBs and a second-year QB and you were trailing late in the 3rd quarter. Call me not impressed.
5.) Cincinnatti Bengals (6-2)
Now, that WAS impressive. Sweeping Baltimore is big, regardless of how good Baltimore is. Division games are always harder. Honestly, even if they lose this game against the Steelers, they have the best medicine coming up after for a loss like that. It is called the "OAK-DET-CLE" trifect. 9-3 Here we come. They will be a loud out in the postseason. I do not really want them in Indy either.
4.) Minnesota Vikings (7-1)
It feels like they have not played in years. However, maybe that is because I have trained myself to just block out all discussions of one Brett Favre and replace those memories with running loops of Dolphins jumping through Rainbows. Honestly, they will probably cruise to 10-1 with three straight home games coming up, but they have a murderous end to the season. Couple that with their inevitebly getting "late-season Favre suckiness" syndrome, and this could get interesting for their home-field advantages/bye chances.
3.) Pittsburgh Steelers (6-2)
Finally, the true Steelers emerged last night. That was the performance I have been expecting from this team all year. Honestly, anyone who does not think Ben is one of the top-5 QBs is just plain stupid or in denial. He is amazing. That defense is amazing. They have won 5 straight, and show no signs of slowing down. Plus, those were two semi-fluky losses. They have a realistic shot at 13-3, assuming they win the showdown with Cincy and split against Baltimore. Watch the fuck out for the defending champs.
2.) Indianapolis Colts (8-0)
Still, they are better. They are the best team in the AFC. Even if they lose to New England, its hard to see them not getting the top seed, with only two real hard games left (@ HOU, vs DEN). They are better than the team that played the last two weeks. Believe me, and you will after Sunday Night. We have not yet seen the best of the 2009 Indianapolis Colts.
1.) New Orleans Saints (8-0)
And we have not seen the best of the 2009 Saints. The Greatest Show on Turf comparison just gets more and more accurate. They honestly don't care about turnovers, or trailing. They know, and you know they know, that they will make a run. They will score and score alot. They can come back at any time. They can force you to make mistakes and are at a historic pace of returning turnovers to the hizz-ouse. They are amazing.
Playoff Projections
AFC
1.) Colts 14-2
2.) Steelers 12-4
3.) Patriots 12-4
4.) Broncos 11-5
5.) Bengals 11-5
6.) Texans 10-6
NFC
1.) Saints 15-1
2.) Cardinals 12-4 (more on this later)
3.) Vikings 12-4
4.) Eagles 11-5
5.) Falcons 10-6
6.) Giants 10-6
Welcome back to the basement, boys. Hope you enjoyed your week in the sun, but its back to the black box underground in the jail. They still don't have any redeeming qualities other than the continued fantasy success of one Steven B. Jackson, which I am exhilerated by right now. Keep it going Steven. Please, please, for the love of God, don't tank at play down to the level of your shitty team.
31.) Cleveland Browns (1-7)
I think ESPN wants a mulligan for putting them on MNF next week. ESPN really has been awfully lucky with their MNF games. Except for the Philly @ Washington game two weeks ago, all their MNF games have either been close or between two good teams. I'm pretty sure the world-wide leader is having a collective hemorrhage just thinking about a Baltimore-Cleveland game. Honestly, they should just put a running loop of PTI's and that would be alot more popular.
30.) Detroit Lions (1-7)
How do you jump up by 17 and still lose, and not only lose, but not cover a 10 point line. That's really something special. Vegas should give them all a week in the penthouse of the Wynn, because their ineptness just gave Vegas about a trillion dollars. Honestly, they are special.
29.) Kansas City Chiefs (1-7)
Larry Johnson is done. Man, I feel old. I remember when Larry Johnson was a beast (in a great football way, not a racist homophobic-bashing way), and that was a full 4 years ago. Those were the days, before everyone thought San Diego was the most talented team and before people said things like "Your 2008 NFC Champions: the Arizona Cardinals!!!". Those were the days.
28.) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-7)
Impressive win. Josh Freeman played quite well. That was a man-up performance. Honestly, as a Raider fan, I just die another death when I see another rookie starting QB play approxamately 40 times better than JaMarcus. Honestly, what are the chances that we get the worst 1st round QB since Joey Harrington. Seriously, Josh Fucking Freeman is better?? Really?? Yes, yes he is.
27.) Washington Redskins (2-6)
I'll give them credit for being competitive against the Falcons. Of course, they waited until they were down 24-3 to show up, but they did show up, even without Chris Cooley and Portis out for much of the game. On a semi-unrelated note, was I the only one who thought the LaRon Landry shove of Matt Ryan was not nearly as bad and dirty as it was made out to be??
26.) Buffalo Bills (3-5)
Worst 3-5 team of all time. Absolute worst. They are good for 6 good games a year, but they have an odd propensity to lose 6-3 games to really shitty teams. No, Buffalo, I did not forget about that shitstain against the Browns.
25.) Oakland Raiders (2-6)
Ohh, I love these Chiefs games, because I can feel like I am watching a real NFL team in the Raiders. Of course, it would be better if Darren McFadden decided to take out the tampon and actually play a game. But I'll take the small steps first. God, I love the Chiefs.
24.) San Francisco 49ers (3-5)
They've lost 4 straight. Not so coincedently, all of those games came after they signed Michael Crabtree. Now, Michael Crabtree may be a fucking Anaconda, or whatever the media makes him out to be, but sadly he has not yet won a professional football team. Not even a singular one. Mike Singletary may need to pull down the pants again. Also, for all the talk about the Alex Smith resurgence, he's 0-2 as a starter.
23.) Jacksonville Jaguars (4-4)
This is not a .500 team. What is sad is they, incredibly, have legitimate playoff aspirations. I think those aspirations will end when they realize that they have yet to beat an actual good team. They can make a statement if they go to the Meadowlands and win a game. Nothing much to say about them. They are average, they are boring and they will NOT make the playoffs.
22.) Seattle Seahawks (3-5)
I would love this team to be better. They have good fans, who whether the rain constantly. They also whether the most injury-plagued team of all-time, and what seems like a real dipshit as a head coach. Jim Mora has done absolutely nothing to deserve a second job. Nothing.
21.) Tennessee Titans (2-6)
They hit their rock bottom (the fucking Marinas Trench of rock bottoms, with that give up 59-0 game) and they've climbed back to respectable spoiler. They have tough games, so they don't really have a shot at the unbelievable 9-7 playoff bearth, but they believe they do. Vince Young is prefecting the game manager role (another guy that makes me cry when I think of him vs. Russell. Honestly, I thought I could always fall back on the fact that Russell was not a basket-case like VY). Also, this just in. Chris Johnson is amazing.
20.) New York Jets (4-4)
They are just not that good. Honestly, I am so ashamed that after this weekend either they or Jacksonville will be over .500. If there ever should be a mandated tie game in the NFL. Both of those teams are so pleasantly mediocre it is really fun. Also, it seems like a ice age ago that this team took it to New England. I guess its good, as Bart Scott has finally learned what the mute button does.
19.) Chicago Bears (4-4)
Oh my God. They have been so bad recently on defense that it has masked the fact that Jay Cutler was really, really good last week. And that is why I don't have them lower (or higher, depending on your viewpoint). They can be great. They can be a 10-6 playoff team. Of course this is assuming that Matt Forte realizes that the season has started and he wakes up from his first-half hibernation.
18.) Carolina Panthers (3-5)
I'm back on the "They may make a miracle wildcard push". Those were the real Panthers the last 2 weeks. Good enough on defense and passing, and explosively awesome enough at rushing that they can beat anyone. Anyone. They easily could have beaten New Orleans. Now, it seems like we say that alot these days, but they played with them in the Dome, which no one has done. Impressive job by John Fox keeping this team focused, and impressive job by Steve Smith for not punching out Delhomme.
17.) Baltimore Ravens (4-4)
If Bart Scott was still a Raven, he probably would smack me in the nads for putting them this low. However, what choice do I have. They looked lifeless against the Bengals. They reverted back to the 2004-2005 Ravens, a good defensive team that will hold the opponent from 14-24 points, but whose offense sucks. Now, I have been saying for weeks that their offense was smoke and mirrors early. That they had little offensive talent. Finally, I am being vindicated. That was a pitiful offensive performance. Somewhere, Brian Billick is jumping for joy, and Trent Dilfer is smiling a fucking chesire cat grin.
16.) Miami Dolphins (3-5)
They are still the best 3-5 team in NFL history. They played step-to-step with the Pats, but just made one critical mistake of not doubling Moss. Other than that, and more drops by Ted "What are these things at the end of my forearms. Why are they made of granite?" Ginn, they could have beaten the Pats. Still, no one has played Indy or New Orleans close. They are good. Watch out next year, when Henne gets better.
15.) Green Bay Packers (4-4)
If they could just block, and if Aaron Rodgers could just break the "I have to hold the ball for 10 seconds or I will suffer the wrath of Zeus" curse that has been hexed upon him, they would be great. Their defense was not all to bad against the Bucs. They gave up 14 points off ST and and INT-return, and Tampa had a short field all day. They are what they are. A good team, with one glaring, enormous, elephant-sized flaw.
14.) San Diego Chargers (5-3)
That was the most impressive and simultaneously un-impressive win ever. Sure, they finally showed some emotion with their last second TD for the win, but they still were outplayed and should have lost. That win said alot more about the Giants than the Chargers. Now, if they beat a quality team again, with Philly going to SD this week, then, after dodging the lightning bolt signifying the end of the world, I will move them up.
13.) Atlanta Falcons (5-3)
Quietly, they are the 5 seed if the playoffs started today. Now, I would absolutely pick them to lose that opening playoff game, and I would bet every single penny I ever made on it, but still. They are a team that is really flying under the radar, which is shocking considering they have everyone's orgasm of the year in Matt Ryan.
12.) New York Giants (5-4)
Call me a believer. We will hear from them again. Now, what we may hear is the cry of a gap-toothed Strahan saying how much the team needs him, or the cry of Tom Coughlin as the team becomes only the first team to completely strike out at a field-goal attempt in NFL history, but its still something. They cannot be this bad.
11.) Houston Texans (5-4)
They are the best 4 loss team in the NFL. Their loss to Jacksonville is inexplicable, although a very questionable call negating a touchdown did not help. Their loss at Arizona is more explicable, as Arizona is a better team. They hung tough with Indy, after being thoroughly outplayed in the first half. They had me sweating. They will make the playoffs, and also, Matt Schaub is not going to get hurt. It's just not going to happen. So, for all you fantasy guys who used the "Schaub always gets hurt logic" suck on my dick. I believed in him.
10.) Philadelphia Eagles (5-3)
Andy Reid should get chastised for that field-goal call. That was pointless. However, the second challenge, on the McNabb sneak, was not. How that was not overturned is beyond me. He easily picked up the three chain-links he needed for a first down. Sometimes, I think all the refs do is watch a porno when they go over to "review" a call.
9.) Dallas Cowboys (6-2)
Speaking of pornos..... Tony Romo and Miles Austin are both quite good Porno names. Especially the last name of Romo. Anyway, they are playing really well right now. Except, really do you trust them? Many people will have them above Arizona, but really, if those two played tomorrow, I'll pick Arizona, whether the game was in Glendale or the St. Jerry's Basilica. It's just a matter of time before Romo shows those true INT-machine colors.
8.) Arizona Cardinals (5-3)
If they just learned how to win at home, they would be special. They have the second-highest peak of any NFC team behind only the Saints. They can be amazing if they want to. Larry Fitzgerald astounds me every week. His hands are basically vacuum gloves. You get the feeling like Kurt Warner could just heave up a Frozen Turky into the sky, shooting it out of a canon, and Fitz would get it.
7.) Denver Broncos (6-2)
Let's not overreact to the last two games. Baltimore was playing for its life, and Pittsburgh is just better. They still have enough easy games (hello Kansas City, Washington and Kansas City again!!!!) to win that division. They are still a good team, they just got outclassed yesterday. Of course, I could just be saying all this because I, for the life of me, do not want any part of the Chargers come playoff time.
6.) New England Patriots (6-2)
So, Tom Brady says Joey Porter trash-talk motivated him and his team. Thank God for that motivation, because had Joey Porter not opened his mouth, I guess the Pats would have lost. If that was the Pats extra-motivated in a big game then I fear for their future. Honestly, they were playing an average team at home, starting two rookie CBs and a second-year QB and you were trailing late in the 3rd quarter. Call me not impressed.
5.) Cincinnatti Bengals (6-2)
Now, that WAS impressive. Sweeping Baltimore is big, regardless of how good Baltimore is. Division games are always harder. Honestly, even if they lose this game against the Steelers, they have the best medicine coming up after for a loss like that. It is called the "OAK-DET-CLE" trifect. 9-3 Here we come. They will be a loud out in the postseason. I do not really want them in Indy either.
4.) Minnesota Vikings (7-1)
It feels like they have not played in years. However, maybe that is because I have trained myself to just block out all discussions of one Brett Favre and replace those memories with running loops of Dolphins jumping through Rainbows. Honestly, they will probably cruise to 10-1 with three straight home games coming up, but they have a murderous end to the season. Couple that with their inevitebly getting "late-season Favre suckiness" syndrome, and this could get interesting for their home-field advantages/bye chances.
3.) Pittsburgh Steelers (6-2)
Finally, the true Steelers emerged last night. That was the performance I have been expecting from this team all year. Honestly, anyone who does not think Ben is one of the top-5 QBs is just plain stupid or in denial. He is amazing. That defense is amazing. They have won 5 straight, and show no signs of slowing down. Plus, those were two semi-fluky losses. They have a realistic shot at 13-3, assuming they win the showdown with Cincy and split against Baltimore. Watch the fuck out for the defending champs.
2.) Indianapolis Colts (8-0)
Still, they are better. They are the best team in the AFC. Even if they lose to New England, its hard to see them not getting the top seed, with only two real hard games left (@ HOU, vs DEN). They are better than the team that played the last two weeks. Believe me, and you will after Sunday Night. We have not yet seen the best of the 2009 Indianapolis Colts.
1.) New Orleans Saints (8-0)
And we have not seen the best of the 2009 Saints. The Greatest Show on Turf comparison just gets more and more accurate. They honestly don't care about turnovers, or trailing. They know, and you know they know, that they will make a run. They will score and score alot. They can come back at any time. They can force you to make mistakes and are at a historic pace of returning turnovers to the hizz-ouse. They are amazing.
Playoff Projections
AFC
1.) Colts 14-2
2.) Steelers 12-4
3.) Patriots 12-4
4.) Broncos 11-5
5.) Bengals 11-5
6.) Texans 10-6
NFC
1.) Saints 15-1
2.) Cardinals 12-4 (more on this later)
3.) Vikings 12-4
4.) Eagles 11-5
5.) Falcons 10-6
6.) Giants 10-6
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Week 9 NFL Picks
Here we go, watch my try to recover after a bad, bad, BAD week 8:
Kansas City @ Jacksonville (-6.5)
This is an interesting game. The Chiefs biggest weakness is their o-line. Lucky for them, and for Matt Cassel's healty, the Jaguars are piss awful at rushing the passer. The Jaguars have a great running game (and thank God, because their passing game is in witness protection), but the Cheifs strength on defense is stopping the run (relative strength, of course). Couple these two facts with the lack of any home crowd in Big Jack, and I get the first upset of the week.
Cheifs 20 Jaguars 16 (KC)
Baltimore (-3) @ Cincinnatti
So let me get this straight. Cincinnatti is 5-2, fresh off a 45-10 weedwacking of Chicago. Baltimore is 4-3, and is one week removed from a 3-game losing streak. These teams met three or four weeks ago, in Baltimore no less, and Cincinnatti won the game. Cincinnatti is a prideful team, especially Palmer and Ocho, and they have historically beaten the Ravens more often than not in the Palmer era. I have no idea how or why the Ravens are favored. The only explanation is that Ray Lewis's manliness has hoodwinked Las Vegas. Quite, quite likely. Anyway, it has not hoodwinked team. The Bengals are a damn impressive 5-2, beating Chicago, Baltimoe, Pittsburgh and Green Bay. They make a statement here, and then Las Vegas (hopefully) stops underrating them.
Ravens 14 Bengals 27 (CIN)
Houston @ Indianapolis (-9.5)
There seems to be a strong backing behind Houston. I find it very confusing. The Colts are 7-0. They have the best scoring defense in football and a top-5 passing defense. They have Peyton Manning who would like to atone after his off game last week (isn't it insane that he can have 340 yards and no interceptions and it is an off-day). Also, there is this, Indianapolis has a 13-1 lifetime record against Houston. 13-1. Discounting last year, when Manning was still hurt compared to this year, and the rest of the team decided it would be fun to simultaneously spend time in medical wards, these are the recent scores of the games in Indy: 2007 - Colts 38, Texans 15; 2006 - Colts 43, Texans 24. This game will not be that close. Now, the game in Houston in three weeks is different, and I pegged it as a loss from the start of the year, but that is in three weeks.
Texans 17 Colts 34 (IND)
Green Bay (-10) @ Tampa Bay
Ohhh, the Battle of the Bay(s). It would be so much fun if only Tampa Bay decided to put aside their differences and play proffessional football. This matchup used to be good times, as like when Warren Sapp trash-talked Packer coach Mike Sherman with rounds of "If you're so tough, put some pads on" for a good three minutes after the game. Those were the days when Tampa was proud of its football team. When it did not have a mannequin coaching it, and three shit running backs in its "threedem". Also, the second different Josh is starting for the Bucs. Honestly, it is just sad writing all this. And to think they won a Super Bowl this decade.
Packers 31 Buccaneers 14 (GB)
Arizona @ Chicago (-3)
Arizona is great when no one expects it (see: win in Giants stadium) and sucks when people talk them up (see: brainfart against Panthers). They are probably no ones hot team anymore after Kurt Warner did a Freaky Friday like switch with Jake Delhomme (5 ints, 1 fumble). That is why they are primed to win this game. Also, as for the Bears. I have never seen a more nondescript 30-6 win. It was hilarious that none of the Bears were even remotely exited after that game, and were embarrased by their 24 point win. Ahhhh, life as the Cleveland Browns.
Cardinals 27 Bears 23 (ARZ)
Miami @ New England (-10.5)
This is a ludicrous line. Miami played the 7-0 Colts down to the wire and had a 24-3 lead against the Saints. Both of those teams are better than New England. Miami beat the Jets twice, and the Jets embarrased the Pats, albeit two months, and four Rex Ryan pant sizes, ago. Miami is a good, 10-6 type team masquerading as a 3-4 team. Bill Belichick knows this. They can play with anyone. Can they beat anyone? No, but this is a ridiculous line. Honestly, couple this with the Cincy/Baltimore line and you have not one, but two insane lines in one week. Miami can play tough defense and ball control offense, and lower the score. Also, it has been a solid four weeks since New England played a live NFL team and not some collegiate scrimmage. It's time to play with the big boys again.
Dolphins 17 Patriots 23 (MIA)
Carolina @ New Orleans (-13.5)
Kansas City @ Jacksonville (-6.5)
This is an interesting game. The Chiefs biggest weakness is their o-line. Lucky for them, and for Matt Cassel's healty, the Jaguars are piss awful at rushing the passer. The Jaguars have a great running game (and thank God, because their passing game is in witness protection), but the Cheifs strength on defense is stopping the run (relative strength, of course). Couple these two facts with the lack of any home crowd in Big Jack, and I get the first upset of the week.
Cheifs 20 Jaguars 16 (KC)
Baltimore (-3) @ Cincinnatti
So let me get this straight. Cincinnatti is 5-2, fresh off a 45-10 weedwacking of Chicago. Baltimore is 4-3, and is one week removed from a 3-game losing streak. These teams met three or four weeks ago, in Baltimore no less, and Cincinnatti won the game. Cincinnatti is a prideful team, especially Palmer and Ocho, and they have historically beaten the Ravens more often than not in the Palmer era. I have no idea how or why the Ravens are favored. The only explanation is that Ray Lewis's manliness has hoodwinked Las Vegas. Quite, quite likely. Anyway, it has not hoodwinked team. The Bengals are a damn impressive 5-2, beating Chicago, Baltimoe, Pittsburgh and Green Bay. They make a statement here, and then Las Vegas (hopefully) stops underrating them.
Ravens 14 Bengals 27 (CIN)
Houston @ Indianapolis (-9.5)
There seems to be a strong backing behind Houston. I find it very confusing. The Colts are 7-0. They have the best scoring defense in football and a top-5 passing defense. They have Peyton Manning who would like to atone after his off game last week (isn't it insane that he can have 340 yards and no interceptions and it is an off-day). Also, there is this, Indianapolis has a 13-1 lifetime record against Houston. 13-1. Discounting last year, when Manning was still hurt compared to this year, and the rest of the team decided it would be fun to simultaneously spend time in medical wards, these are the recent scores of the games in Indy: 2007 - Colts 38, Texans 15; 2006 - Colts 43, Texans 24. This game will not be that close. Now, the game in Houston in three weeks is different, and I pegged it as a loss from the start of the year, but that is in three weeks.
Texans 17 Colts 34 (IND)
Green Bay (-10) @ Tampa Bay
Ohhh, the Battle of the Bay(s). It would be so much fun if only Tampa Bay decided to put aside their differences and play proffessional football. This matchup used to be good times, as like when Warren Sapp trash-talked Packer coach Mike Sherman with rounds of "If you're so tough, put some pads on" for a good three minutes after the game. Those were the days when Tampa was proud of its football team. When it did not have a mannequin coaching it, and three shit running backs in its "threedem". Also, the second different Josh is starting for the Bucs. Honestly, it is just sad writing all this. And to think they won a Super Bowl this decade.
Packers 31 Buccaneers 14 (GB)
Arizona @ Chicago (-3)
Arizona is great when no one expects it (see: win in Giants stadium) and sucks when people talk them up (see: brainfart against Panthers). They are probably no ones hot team anymore after Kurt Warner did a Freaky Friday like switch with Jake Delhomme (5 ints, 1 fumble). That is why they are primed to win this game. Also, as for the Bears. I have never seen a more nondescript 30-6 win. It was hilarious that none of the Bears were even remotely exited after that game, and were embarrased by their 24 point win. Ahhhh, life as the Cleveland Browns.
Cardinals 27 Bears 23 (ARZ)
Miami @ New England (-10.5)
This is a ludicrous line. Miami played the 7-0 Colts down to the wire and had a 24-3 lead against the Saints. Both of those teams are better than New England. Miami beat the Jets twice, and the Jets embarrased the Pats, albeit two months, and four Rex Ryan pant sizes, ago. Miami is a good, 10-6 type team masquerading as a 3-4 team. Bill Belichick knows this. They can play with anyone. Can they beat anyone? No, but this is a ridiculous line. Honestly, couple this with the Cincy/Baltimore line and you have not one, but two insane lines in one week. Miami can play tough defense and ball control offense, and lower the score. Also, it has been a solid four weeks since New England played a live NFL team and not some collegiate scrimmage. It's time to play with the big boys again.
Dolphins 17 Patriots 23 (MIA)
Carolina @ New Orleans (-13.5)
New Orleans will threaten the Pats 16-0. And, they won't be stopped here. Now, Carolina showed last week that the 12 win team from a year ago is not that far away, but this is the New Orleans 14 win team from this year, and that team is right dab in the fucking here and now. Also, with Jake Delhomme's penchant for interceptions, and the Saints penchant for getting said interceptions and returning them to the hizz-ouse, the matchup does not look good.
Panthers 16 Saints 34 (NO)
Detroit @ Seattle (-10.5)
That is alot of points for Seattle to be laying. Especially with Calvin Johnson coming back. I am really killing myself on this game. On one side, Seattle is only 2-5 and looked miserable the last two weeks and Detroit is, with megatron back, frisky. On the other, it is the fucking Lions, and the Seahawks can ramp it up at home. Seattle needs this game. In their division 9-7 may take it. If they lose this, it is over for 2009 and Jim Mora may need to return to his day job of delivering pizza. They really, really need this, and that is usually enough motivation.
Lions 17 Seahawks 31 (SEA)
Tennessee @ San Francisco (-5.5)
Man, either there is alot of love going around for one VY performance, or the world has finally lost it with Mike Singletary and his band of lovable, bumbling losers. They return to Candlestick, where they were last seen losing 45-10 to Atlanta. Tennessee is fresh off its first win of the season, but that was due to Chris Johnson going insane. Now, the 49ers have a great, great run defense, so VY will lose the CJ security blanket, and actually, you know, have to do something to win the game. I'm not ready to say that VY is ready to do any of that.
Titans 13 49ers 24 (SF)
San Diego @ New York (-3.5)
This is the first ever meeting of Eli Manning and Phil Rivers. It could not come at a better time, with one team freefalling and the other team lacking a heart or soul. Eli Manning still looks to be effected by the plantar fascitis he conjured up in the Oakland romp. Phil Rivers seems to be affected by the lack of playmakers around him, and the lack of a defense that can shut any non-Oakland team down. Honestly, I was not impressed in the least by San Diego last week, letting Oakland hang around like that. San Diego does not travel well, especially east, and the Giants need to stop this freefall they are on. With one divisional rival definitely going 6-2, they can't afford to slip up. Neither can San Diego, but when you lack the most basic of human organs (a heart), that doesn't seem to bother you.
Chargers 16 Giants 27 (NYG)
Dallas @ Philadelphia (-3)
Not sure how the line is not higher. Dallas still has failed to beat anyone good. Here are their road wins away from that bohemoth: @ TB and @ KC. That is as impressive as JaMarcus Russell's collection of soda bottles he keeps in his locker. Philly has a habit of spanking teams at home yearly, like their 44-6 de-balling of Tony Romo and Wade Philips last year. They are much, much better than the Cowboys, especially in Philly, a place that is all angry after their failed WS bid. Also, its primetime, so that means it is prime time for Tony Romo to drop a duece in this game.
Cowboys 13 Eagles 31 (PHI)
Pittsburgh (-3) @ Denver
I understand this line. Denver looked average last week and Pittsburgh is still a hot team. They, without anyone seeming to notice, have won 4 in a row. I thought they were a 13 win team before the year started. Now, they blew games, especailly the Chicago one, but they can still be a 12 win team. They are that good. Denver is a really good team, and I hope they stick a fork in San Diego's reign over that division this year, but at the end, they are simply not as good as Pittsburgh is. Pittsburgh got its swagger back defensively with the two TDs against Minnesota. They are back. Believe me. This team will be 9-2 before you can blink.
Steelers 20 Broncos 10 (PIT)
Enjoy the games!!
Last Week: 7-6
Season: 68-47
Ramblings
Random thoughts (mainly football) from thy head.
- Now that he's not my state's leader: Fuck You, Jon Corzine. Thank the Lord that that schmuck is no longer running New Jersey. Chris Christie seems like an ignorant fat poon, but at least he's not Corzine
- I hate the Yankees, but I am kind of happy that they won. For one, did we really need the Phillies to get another title, and also, because I like the world better when Red Sox fans shut up, and now they will. At least Yankee fans know how to deal with success
- This is why magazines will eventually run out of business. Sports Illustrated is a magazine I cannot live without. It prints on Tuesday. The cover story is about how great the World Series is. I get it today, and the series is already over. Just a waste of ink.
- I want Josh McDaniels to give America (and especially me) the finger. I don't think enough is being said about Denver. No one in America picked them to be any good. NO ONE. He's 6-1. If I were him, I would run around nude, screaming "Fuck You, Peter King" at the top of my lungs while miming jizzing on King's face.
- Brett Favre is an idiot. He really expected the Packer fans to cheer him?? Your Benedict Arnold. You are the best example of sports traitorism ever. Packer fans will move on. They will win more Super Bowls, you will not.
- I hope to God Favre gets hurt again. Not seriously hurt, becuase wishing and hoping that is evil, but hurt enough to affect his play. I miss the Favre that needlessly threw up punts for guys to intercept.
- Texans fans are really annoying. They are taunting the shit out of Colts fans on the Colts blog I frequent (stampedeblue). It is hilarious. Its like they finally grew pubic hair, and decide that they want to fight Burt Reynolds. Quiet down, boys. We are 13-1 lifetime against you.
- Being a Colts/Raiders mormon is interesting. Watching Peyton Manning and then JaMarcus Russell is the NFL QB equivalent of having sex with Kate Beckinsale and then fucking Rosie O'Donnell. But only if O'Donnell was eating a ham sandwhich.
- College Football is rigged. No one cares that Florida is suspending their LB for one game after he openly tried to gouge out an opponents eyes. I'm pretty sure Tim Tebow could mass murder the whole staff at Magic Kingdom and he would only get a one-play suspension.
- Is it weird that I really want the Cowboys to make the playoffs for the sole reason to see Romo choke again? I mean, it can't be a choke if he doesn't even make it.
- Is it weird that my team is 7-0, has the best combination of offense and defense in the NFL, has a QB that is playing at a level only seen on Madden and I still hate the Pats more than ever? Seriously, I need help to combat this. I hate them too much. I honestly want to assassinate Bill Belichick (in my mind, of course).
- I'm pretty sure that you just look at Tom Cable and make out that he is a serial woman abuser. I mean, look at him. He looks like he knows what the inside of a cell looks like.
- Now there are reports that Anthony Gonzalez might have a torn PCL. He has not played since Week 1, since he injured it and it was initally called a sprain. Now, all I know about a PCL is how to spell it, but I'm pretty sure I can make out if it is torn or not.
- Why does Hedeki Matsui need a translator? He has lived here for seven years now, and is surrounded by people who speak English all the time. Honestly, and I thought Japanese people were smart.
- Why would I rather be with Lynette Scavo on Desperate Housewives than any of the other three when she is at face value the least attractive. I mean, Eva Longoria is what makes Tony Parker easily the best basketball player, and Teri Hatcher defines MILF, and Marcia Cross is a redhead (and they are WILD), but fucking Felicity Huffman just does it for me.
- Speaking of redheads (or in this case former redheads), Alyson Hannigan just continues to get better looking as time goes on. I would not mind sticking my flute in her pussy, if you know what I mean.
- Back to football, becuase I am coming across a little to perverse, how much longer can Cedric Benson keep this up. I mean, the guy is Cedric Benson. He's awful. He is. I just know it.
- Speaking of which, how much longer can Steve Slaton continue to suck. My fantasy teams have been ruined by him and Joseph Addai. Thanks alot, fellas. Steve Slaton can go off the deep end and dissapear for 10 weeks, and I think I would not even notice his loss. Why? because I got Ryan Fucking Moats, that's why!
- Is there any coach/qb combo more underrated than Reid/McNabb. They have been doing it for 10 years now. That is impressive, especially when you consider that Andy Reid eats timeouts (literally, as in he glazes them with BBQ sauce and chomps those timeouts down) and McNabb has been throwing to random hoodrats for the past decade.
- If I said that when Carolina met Arizona at the start of the year, and one QB would throw 5 picks and fumble and that man would not be Jake Delhomme, how quickly do you think people would laugh at me.
- Why does being an NFL coach look like such a cool job? Honestly, after Chuck Norris and the Dos Equis guy, Mike Tomlin and Sean Payton are easily the most interesting, coolest men in the world.
- I really cannot wait for the tell-all Pats book that will come out in 15 or so years. I just can't wait to hear the truth about Spygate, and the more underrated VoiceConnectionCommunicationGate (where in Foxboro the coach-QB communication would mysteriously backfire during crucial downs).
- Speaking of tell-all books, Andre Agassi did not shock anyone with the meth thing. I mean, if you look at his hair from the early 90's, you just know he was hiding needles underneath that wig.
- Am I the only one who would ever think that Tom Brady picked the wrong girl, and that Bridget Moynahan is better looking than Gisele??? Also, it is a little emasculating when you are a three time super bowl winner and a guy that gets tons of money from Stetson cologne commercials and you are still the poorer person in the relationship. By far.
- Jon Gruden. Please never coach again. You are brilliant on MNF, and make it the first truly entertaining broadcast since ESPN Sunday Night Football had the Joe Theismann, Mike Patrick and Paul Maguire threesome. They were brilliantly stupid and hilariously dumb.
- Dan Snyder really needs his own mustache and flag. At least then he would look as tyrannical as he is.
- Football will never work in Jacksonville. Never. Cut your losses and leave, but don't go to LA. LA does not give a shit about sports. Go to Portland. This is my realignment. Portland goes into NFC West. Rams goes to AFC South.
- I never want a college football playoff. If we had one, I would not give two shits about the regular season. And also, if there was a playoffs, what would all the Tebow/Meyer-dick-sucking refs do for money?
- I do, however want a college basketball playoff. College basketball season is almost upon us. Thank god, becuase I am so sick of only having one college sport to barely follow.
- Last one, predictions for MLB 2010: Matsui leaves the Yankees replaced by Matt Holliday. CC Sabathia crosses the 400 lb platuea. Red Sox reclaim the division. Texas Rangers make playoffs. Astros shock world and make playoffs. Dodgers play Red Sox in WS. Manny gets confused and tries to play for both teams after tearing up when he sees Papi. Dodgers win series and Torre gives a teary speech, which when translated into normal not Torre-Classy speech is roughly the equivalent of "Fuck You George Steinbrenner and your Band of Mercenaries"
Picks tomorrow.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Week 9 NFL Power Rankings
Quickie version (I actually have work to do).
32.) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-7)
Their bye week could not have come at a worse time. With Tennessee and St. Louis finally getting off the schneid, the fighting Raheem Morris's are now the last o-fer team. They have talent, apparently, becuase not much has changed since they were 9-3 last year. They have to win sooner or later. They have more talent than the next five teams listed, but they have a coach that cannot motivate a Lion to kill a Gazelle.
31.) St. Louis Rams (1-7)
I'm happy for Steve Spagnuolo. I like the guy. He gave me the greatest non-Colts related day of my footballing life, when his scheme finished off the 2007 Patriots. For that, I will always love him and Tom Coughlin, and buck-tooth Strahan and the lesser Manning. Anyway, getting back to Spags, there is not a guy that deserves that win any more. I hope to god he gets at least one more, and that he has a long and successful coaching career. I have to say all this, because he may not see another win for another 17 games.
30.) Cleveland Browns (1-7)
They fired their GM, who they hired in the offseason. George Kokinis is his name, and if I was him, I would be dancing naked in the streets for getting the great results of leaving the hell-hole that is the Mangini lair. Eric Mangini is right up there with Morris as the worst coaches in the league. What is funnier, and more dispicable, is that this is the second team to hire him. I guess people seem to believe that there is something special hiding in his gluttonous belly.
29.) Kansas City Chiefs (1-6)
Not much to say about this team. They have some abilities, however none of them seem to be of the "playing football" persuasion. Thankfully they had the Washington Redskins on their schedule, or they would be in the Tampa Bay boat. They were the winningest team of the '90's. Holy God, can a decade make a difference.
28.) Detroit Lions (1-6)
They lost to the Rams. However, I think they are both better, and have more of a future than the Rams. They also have a better QB, a better wide receiver and a better defense. They have a good coach, and a team that has good fans. That's all I can say. They are a boring bunch, but at least they try.
27.) Washington Redskins (2-5)
They don't try. They suck the life out of their fans. Dan Snyder is the Stalin of football, banning signs about him in the stadium, and making people stand up and cheer his Soviet theme song. Of course, he does not have a Soviet theme song, but I would definitely not be surprised if he had the whole FedEx field do a "Hail Snyder".
26.) Oakland Raiders (2-6)
They stink again. However, at least watching JaMarcus Russell's incompetence is fun. They are going to lose 10 games again, for a record 7th straight year. They have an owner whose awfullness has made him forget just how good he used to be. They have a defense that if they want to can show up and dominate, however they want to show up about as often as JaMarcus wants to eat a salad.
25.) Tennessee Titans (1-6)
They finally played like they did in 2007-08. Chris Johnson is a manbeast. Vince Young played a great Trent Dilfer-like performance. How they lost 59-0 is beyond me. Actually, it is not beyond me. I totally understand it. They quit on their geriatric QB and decided to mail it in. That is despicable, and if they continue those shit performances, they can kiss Jeff Fisher and his facial hair away.
24.) Buffalo Bills (3-5)
Jarius Byrd is a great young player. Sadly, they have no other single great young player. Trent Edwards make JP Losman look like John Elway. Their defense, offense and special teams is non-descript. Their coach is still dead and their owner somehow looks less dead than him. Bad times in Buffalo.
23.) Jacksonville Jaguars (3-4)
They stink. God knows how they were 11-5 two years ago, and came within one Dennis Northcutt of maybe upsetting the 16-0 Pats. However, they stink. Jack Del Rio has no idea what he is doing. All I know is that he is doing a shit job of leading a team. Maurice Jones-Drew is also an ignorant prick.
22.) Seattle Seahawks (2-5)
Ahhh, the Blue Men Group. Matthew is healthy and playing kind of well. However, the guy is as fragile as a fucking China Doll, but he is still entertaining. They have had the worst injury luck ever, and that has sabottoged what could have potentially been a 10 win team. By the way, Jim Mora the younger is a fantastic impersonator of Mr. Collins. For the three people that read me from South, you know what I mean.
21.) San Francisco 49ers (3-4)
Here is a theory: teams have one good run every other decade. The longer good run, the longer their upcoming years of sucking will be. Seriously, other than Pittsburgh, what franchise has had a long period of success followed by another one. In my youth (when I mean youth, I mean the days when I knew shit about football), the 49ers, Chiefs and Cowboys ruled the NFL. Now, they all suck at various levels. The Bills went to four straight super bowls, and now they too suck. Fans get spoiled and then get fucked in the ass. That is now happening to the 49ers right now. You experienced the greatest 20 year run in NFL history. They are now paying the price.
20.) New York Jets (4-4)
They are not any good. Rex Ryan is now just a stupid idiot. "We totally outplayed them" he said after his second loss to Miami in three games. Well, fuck you Rex Ryan. You did not, in any logical, tangible way, outplay the Dolphins. Ted Ginn Jr. shat in your face. Jason Taylor punched you in your gut and, you did not feel a thing since there are about 10 inches of fat separating your exterior and your crotch. Eat a salad, take a break and stop pumping up your average team.
19.) Carolina Panthers (3-4)
I hate this team. First, they stink and I am the only one believing in them. Then they truly reach new levels of suck when they lose to Buffalo at home, and I finally give up on them. Then they crush a good Cardinals team and finally the 2008 Panthers show up. I now think they are a frisky spoiler team, a potential 8 win team that no one really wants to play. I mean, if Jake Delhomme just plays like Jake Delhomme (instead of the dookie in a Delhomme jersey that he has been ever since their lay-down in the playoffs) they are a good team.
18.) San Diego Chargers (4-3)
They have no soul. I know they will get crushed this week in New York. Crushed. They will play with no heart, no emotion and Shawne Merriman will go back to being an invisible roided-up Giant like he was before the Raiders show up. There are few certainties in life, but here is one: when the Chargers finally have a chance to do something good for a change, they will lose. I can't wait to see LT face when he gets 30 yards in 12 carries.
17.) Atlanta Falcons (4-3)
They played pretty well yesterday, and if they hit field goals and Matt Ryan did not continue to be overrated, they would have possibly won that game. However, they do make mistakes and Matt Ryan is overrated. They are a more-likable version of San Diego. They beat bad teams and lose to good teams, however they do not think they are the 1985 Bears, which Phil Rivers and LT have assured themselves that they are.
16.) Miami Dolphins (3-4)
They will give New England a good run for their money. They are still the only team to really challenge the Colts, and had the Saints on the ropes for 45 minutes. They are miles better than that record and Chad Henne continues to play at a high level. I love this team. I love Sparano. I love their Latino conglomerate ownership. I love how they play Jimmy Buffet when they score. I hate most of Buffet's music, mainly because of a certain kids orgasmic love of him, but that song fits in with the interesting mix of the Miami crowd.
15.) Chicago Bears (4-3)
They are better than the team that lost 45-10 to the Bengals. They are a team that will make a wild card run. The Bears have abilities that make them to be a potential 10 win team. I have a weird feeling like they will win at least one of the two Minnesota games. I mainly feel this way because I want to Brett "I am a scumbag whose phony-hillbilly face makes him slightly lovable, and I love that the Media gets a hard-on at the drop of a hat" Favre to fail.
14.) New York Giants (5-3)
Can they really be as bad as that team that played the last three weeks? Can they? I say yes and no. No, they cannot be as bad defensively as a team that gives up 40 points twice in three weeks. Yes, they are not good enough to beat a team that can play offense and make Eli Manning look like the black-sheep Manning that he is.
13.) Green Bay Packers (4-3)
They made a game out of that Vikings showdown, which says alot about their character after playing like University of Miami for the first half. Aaron Rodgers holds onto the ball way to long. He makes Jared Allen look like Lawrence Taylor. Allen has 3 sacks in the six games against QBs not name Aaron Rodgers. That says more about Rodgers. He has to throw the ball. And throw it away. He is going to get himself killed, or at the least maimed.
12.) Arizona Cardinals (4-3)
That was just a horrid performance. This team is better than that. Alot better. They are a bizarro version of last years team. They are the same schizophrenic team they were last year, but now they play bad at home and show up on the road. I say that they will easily win that division again, and that should scare people because now they seem like a team that will get up for big games.
11.) Dallas Cowboys (5-2)
I hate putting them here. They still have not beat anyone but an average Atlanta team. Next week will tell us alot. They return to the scene of that 44-6 colonoscopy the Eagles gave them last year. I will believe them for just one more week. However, I will not keep myself from dropping them quickly if Romo throws up an A-Rod performance in Philly.
10.) Baltimore Ravens (4-3)
The Ravens defense is back. Joe Flacco continues to be much more impressive than Matt Ryan with lesser targets. Ladarius Webb has a great kick-off returner's name. Honestly, that is a baller name. However, they should play him in the secondary, becuase he has to be better than those sheep they currently employ.
9.) Houston Texans (5-3)
They are two games above .500 for the first time ever. That's right, ev-fucking-er. Now, they have their first real big game coming up, but honestly the matchup of the Colts going to Houston in three weeks is more informative than this weeks game. This is a good team. However, fuck you Steve Slaton. How does he get benched and then Ryan Moats puts up numbers running behind the same line. How is this possible??
8.) Philadelphia Eagles (5-2)
That was impressive. I really think only the Saint and the Colts have higher peak performances. If the Eagles play at their peak, they are pretty unbeatable. However, they just don't put up that level of performance too often. I say this though, outside of a couple of teams below, they get up for big games. I'll say that they force Romo into at least once interception.
7.) Cincinnatti Bengals (5-2)
I missed them last week. They are an entertaining bunch. I miss Carson to Ocho, and I can't wait until they return and start terrorizing opponents again. That will be fun. Also, that defense is sick. It is young, talented and scary. They are a legit team. They can beat everyone if they play well. They don't always play well. They are a fun team, and I would be excited as hell if I were a Bengals fan.
6.) New England Patriots (5-2)
Scarily, they are high up again. They have hit their stride, as in they are the 2003-04 Pats. They can play extremely well, but you always feel like you can beat them. When they are on offense, pressure Brady, double Moss and Viola! They are a 24 point per game team. When they are on defense, you can beat them. They are beatable, but quietly are humming along. It will be interesting to see how they do against Miami, a team they historically struggle against.
5.) Denver Broncos (6-1)
I'm not losing too much sleep over a desperate Ravens team beating them. I will also not lose sleep over the Steelers beating them next Monday night. They will still sleep-walk to that division title, because unlike last year, San Diego has less emotional soul and Denver is actually a good team. However, I do not fear them in the least come playoff time.
4.) Minnesota Vikings (7-1)
That was an impressive performance, but I see dark things ahead. Brett Favre is relying too much on his arm. He is throwing balls that becuase of his amazing zip and arm strength can get balls through. When his arm inevitably becomes sore, then those fastballs will be intercepted change-ups. That is not a good thing. Also, Adrian Peterson does not look like the stud RB that we expected the last couple of years. However, I might as well suck their dick, since they are 7-1 and balling out.
3.) Pittsburgh Steelers (5-2)
I still think they are the only team that can run with Indy in the AFC. They have not hit their stride, but when it happens, look out. They are so much better on offense this year, with the evolution of the Roethlisberger-Holmes combo and the Parker/Mendenhall combo adding something to the running game. That defense will only get better as the season continues. They will be playing deep into January.
2.) Indianapolis (7-0)
Bad games happen. That was a poor sluggish performance, but if they just connected in the Red Zone, that game is over quickly. Lost in Manning's first 0 touchdown performance was that defense. Currently, they lead the league in scoring defense and can pressure QBs like no one else. Dwight Freeney is having the comparable year that Manning is having. They are still the best team in the AFC and will also be playing deep into January.
1.) New Orleans Saints (7-0)
They continue to be the 09 version of the Greatest Show on Turf. They turn the ball over like the GSOT Rams, they don't care like the GSOT Rams. They have an offensive swagger second-to-none. They have an unstoppability that, in my opinion, exceeds the 2007 Pats. They are scary good. That defense is opportunistic, much like the 1999 Rams. They can play any style of game. Quietly, they have an amazing running game. They have a shot at an undefeated season.
Playoff Projections
AFC
1.) Colts 14-2
2.) Steelers 12-4
3.) Patriots 12-4
4.) Broncos 11-5
5.) Bengals 11-5
6.) Texans 10-6
NFC
1.) Saints 14-2
2.) Vikings 12-4
3.) Eagles 12-4
4.) Cardinals 10-6
5.) Giants 11-5
6.) Packers 10-6
32.) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-7)
Their bye week could not have come at a worse time. With Tennessee and St. Louis finally getting off the schneid, the fighting Raheem Morris's are now the last o-fer team. They have talent, apparently, becuase not much has changed since they were 9-3 last year. They have to win sooner or later. They have more talent than the next five teams listed, but they have a coach that cannot motivate a Lion to kill a Gazelle.
31.) St. Louis Rams (1-7)
I'm happy for Steve Spagnuolo. I like the guy. He gave me the greatest non-Colts related day of my footballing life, when his scheme finished off the 2007 Patriots. For that, I will always love him and Tom Coughlin, and buck-tooth Strahan and the lesser Manning. Anyway, getting back to Spags, there is not a guy that deserves that win any more. I hope to god he gets at least one more, and that he has a long and successful coaching career. I have to say all this, because he may not see another win for another 17 games.
30.) Cleveland Browns (1-7)
They fired their GM, who they hired in the offseason. George Kokinis is his name, and if I was him, I would be dancing naked in the streets for getting the great results of leaving the hell-hole that is the Mangini lair. Eric Mangini is right up there with Morris as the worst coaches in the league. What is funnier, and more dispicable, is that this is the second team to hire him. I guess people seem to believe that there is something special hiding in his gluttonous belly.
29.) Kansas City Chiefs (1-6)
Not much to say about this team. They have some abilities, however none of them seem to be of the "playing football" persuasion. Thankfully they had the Washington Redskins on their schedule, or they would be in the Tampa Bay boat. They were the winningest team of the '90's. Holy God, can a decade make a difference.
28.) Detroit Lions (1-6)
They lost to the Rams. However, I think they are both better, and have more of a future than the Rams. They also have a better QB, a better wide receiver and a better defense. They have a good coach, and a team that has good fans. That's all I can say. They are a boring bunch, but at least they try.
27.) Washington Redskins (2-5)
They don't try. They suck the life out of their fans. Dan Snyder is the Stalin of football, banning signs about him in the stadium, and making people stand up and cheer his Soviet theme song. Of course, he does not have a Soviet theme song, but I would definitely not be surprised if he had the whole FedEx field do a "Hail Snyder".
26.) Oakland Raiders (2-6)
They stink again. However, at least watching JaMarcus Russell's incompetence is fun. They are going to lose 10 games again, for a record 7th straight year. They have an owner whose awfullness has made him forget just how good he used to be. They have a defense that if they want to can show up and dominate, however they want to show up about as often as JaMarcus wants to eat a salad.
25.) Tennessee Titans (1-6)
They finally played like they did in 2007-08. Chris Johnson is a manbeast. Vince Young played a great Trent Dilfer-like performance. How they lost 59-0 is beyond me. Actually, it is not beyond me. I totally understand it. They quit on their geriatric QB and decided to mail it in. That is despicable, and if they continue those shit performances, they can kiss Jeff Fisher and his facial hair away.
24.) Buffalo Bills (3-5)
Jarius Byrd is a great young player. Sadly, they have no other single great young player. Trent Edwards make JP Losman look like John Elway. Their defense, offense and special teams is non-descript. Their coach is still dead and their owner somehow looks less dead than him. Bad times in Buffalo.
23.) Jacksonville Jaguars (3-4)
They stink. God knows how they were 11-5 two years ago, and came within one Dennis Northcutt of maybe upsetting the 16-0 Pats. However, they stink. Jack Del Rio has no idea what he is doing. All I know is that he is doing a shit job of leading a team. Maurice Jones-Drew is also an ignorant prick.
22.) Seattle Seahawks (2-5)
Ahhh, the Blue Men Group. Matthew is healthy and playing kind of well. However, the guy is as fragile as a fucking China Doll, but he is still entertaining. They have had the worst injury luck ever, and that has sabottoged what could have potentially been a 10 win team. By the way, Jim Mora the younger is a fantastic impersonator of Mr. Collins. For the three people that read me from South, you know what I mean.
21.) San Francisco 49ers (3-4)
Here is a theory: teams have one good run every other decade. The longer good run, the longer their upcoming years of sucking will be. Seriously, other than Pittsburgh, what franchise has had a long period of success followed by another one. In my youth (when I mean youth, I mean the days when I knew shit about football), the 49ers, Chiefs and Cowboys ruled the NFL. Now, they all suck at various levels. The Bills went to four straight super bowls, and now they too suck. Fans get spoiled and then get fucked in the ass. That is now happening to the 49ers right now. You experienced the greatest 20 year run in NFL history. They are now paying the price.
20.) New York Jets (4-4)
They are not any good. Rex Ryan is now just a stupid idiot. "We totally outplayed them" he said after his second loss to Miami in three games. Well, fuck you Rex Ryan. You did not, in any logical, tangible way, outplay the Dolphins. Ted Ginn Jr. shat in your face. Jason Taylor punched you in your gut and, you did not feel a thing since there are about 10 inches of fat separating your exterior and your crotch. Eat a salad, take a break and stop pumping up your average team.
19.) Carolina Panthers (3-4)
I hate this team. First, they stink and I am the only one believing in them. Then they truly reach new levels of suck when they lose to Buffalo at home, and I finally give up on them. Then they crush a good Cardinals team and finally the 2008 Panthers show up. I now think they are a frisky spoiler team, a potential 8 win team that no one really wants to play. I mean, if Jake Delhomme just plays like Jake Delhomme (instead of the dookie in a Delhomme jersey that he has been ever since their lay-down in the playoffs) they are a good team.
18.) San Diego Chargers (4-3)
They have no soul. I know they will get crushed this week in New York. Crushed. They will play with no heart, no emotion and Shawne Merriman will go back to being an invisible roided-up Giant like he was before the Raiders show up. There are few certainties in life, but here is one: when the Chargers finally have a chance to do something good for a change, they will lose. I can't wait to see LT face when he gets 30 yards in 12 carries.
17.) Atlanta Falcons (4-3)
They played pretty well yesterday, and if they hit field goals and Matt Ryan did not continue to be overrated, they would have possibly won that game. However, they do make mistakes and Matt Ryan is overrated. They are a more-likable version of San Diego. They beat bad teams and lose to good teams, however they do not think they are the 1985 Bears, which Phil Rivers and LT have assured themselves that they are.
16.) Miami Dolphins (3-4)
They will give New England a good run for their money. They are still the only team to really challenge the Colts, and had the Saints on the ropes for 45 minutes. They are miles better than that record and Chad Henne continues to play at a high level. I love this team. I love Sparano. I love their Latino conglomerate ownership. I love how they play Jimmy Buffet when they score. I hate most of Buffet's music, mainly because of a certain kids orgasmic love of him, but that song fits in with the interesting mix of the Miami crowd.
15.) Chicago Bears (4-3)
They are better than the team that lost 45-10 to the Bengals. They are a team that will make a wild card run. The Bears have abilities that make them to be a potential 10 win team. I have a weird feeling like they will win at least one of the two Minnesota games. I mainly feel this way because I want to Brett "I am a scumbag whose phony-hillbilly face makes him slightly lovable, and I love that the Media gets a hard-on at the drop of a hat" Favre to fail.
14.) New York Giants (5-3)
Can they really be as bad as that team that played the last three weeks? Can they? I say yes and no. No, they cannot be as bad defensively as a team that gives up 40 points twice in three weeks. Yes, they are not good enough to beat a team that can play offense and make Eli Manning look like the black-sheep Manning that he is.
13.) Green Bay Packers (4-3)
They made a game out of that Vikings showdown, which says alot about their character after playing like University of Miami for the first half. Aaron Rodgers holds onto the ball way to long. He makes Jared Allen look like Lawrence Taylor. Allen has 3 sacks in the six games against QBs not name Aaron Rodgers. That says more about Rodgers. He has to throw the ball. And throw it away. He is going to get himself killed, or at the least maimed.
12.) Arizona Cardinals (4-3)
That was just a horrid performance. This team is better than that. Alot better. They are a bizarro version of last years team. They are the same schizophrenic team they were last year, but now they play bad at home and show up on the road. I say that they will easily win that division again, and that should scare people because now they seem like a team that will get up for big games.
11.) Dallas Cowboys (5-2)
I hate putting them here. They still have not beat anyone but an average Atlanta team. Next week will tell us alot. They return to the scene of that 44-6 colonoscopy the Eagles gave them last year. I will believe them for just one more week. However, I will not keep myself from dropping them quickly if Romo throws up an A-Rod performance in Philly.
10.) Baltimore Ravens (4-3)
The Ravens defense is back. Joe Flacco continues to be much more impressive than Matt Ryan with lesser targets. Ladarius Webb has a great kick-off returner's name. Honestly, that is a baller name. However, they should play him in the secondary, becuase he has to be better than those sheep they currently employ.
9.) Houston Texans (5-3)
They are two games above .500 for the first time ever. That's right, ev-fucking-er. Now, they have their first real big game coming up, but honestly the matchup of the Colts going to Houston in three weeks is more informative than this weeks game. This is a good team. However, fuck you Steve Slaton. How does he get benched and then Ryan Moats puts up numbers running behind the same line. How is this possible??
8.) Philadelphia Eagles (5-2)
That was impressive. I really think only the Saint and the Colts have higher peak performances. If the Eagles play at their peak, they are pretty unbeatable. However, they just don't put up that level of performance too often. I say this though, outside of a couple of teams below, they get up for big games. I'll say that they force Romo into at least once interception.
7.) Cincinnatti Bengals (5-2)
I missed them last week. They are an entertaining bunch. I miss Carson to Ocho, and I can't wait until they return and start terrorizing opponents again. That will be fun. Also, that defense is sick. It is young, talented and scary. They are a legit team. They can beat everyone if they play well. They don't always play well. They are a fun team, and I would be excited as hell if I were a Bengals fan.
6.) New England Patriots (5-2)
Scarily, they are high up again. They have hit their stride, as in they are the 2003-04 Pats. They can play extremely well, but you always feel like you can beat them. When they are on offense, pressure Brady, double Moss and Viola! They are a 24 point per game team. When they are on defense, you can beat them. They are beatable, but quietly are humming along. It will be interesting to see how they do against Miami, a team they historically struggle against.
5.) Denver Broncos (6-1)
I'm not losing too much sleep over a desperate Ravens team beating them. I will also not lose sleep over the Steelers beating them next Monday night. They will still sleep-walk to that division title, because unlike last year, San Diego has less emotional soul and Denver is actually a good team. However, I do not fear them in the least come playoff time.
4.) Minnesota Vikings (7-1)
That was an impressive performance, but I see dark things ahead. Brett Favre is relying too much on his arm. He is throwing balls that becuase of his amazing zip and arm strength can get balls through. When his arm inevitably becomes sore, then those fastballs will be intercepted change-ups. That is not a good thing. Also, Adrian Peterson does not look like the stud RB that we expected the last couple of years. However, I might as well suck their dick, since they are 7-1 and balling out.
3.) Pittsburgh Steelers (5-2)
I still think they are the only team that can run with Indy in the AFC. They have not hit their stride, but when it happens, look out. They are so much better on offense this year, with the evolution of the Roethlisberger-Holmes combo and the Parker/Mendenhall combo adding something to the running game. That defense will only get better as the season continues. They will be playing deep into January.
2.) Indianapolis (7-0)
Bad games happen. That was a poor sluggish performance, but if they just connected in the Red Zone, that game is over quickly. Lost in Manning's first 0 touchdown performance was that defense. Currently, they lead the league in scoring defense and can pressure QBs like no one else. Dwight Freeney is having the comparable year that Manning is having. They are still the best team in the AFC and will also be playing deep into January.
1.) New Orleans Saints (7-0)
They continue to be the 09 version of the Greatest Show on Turf. They turn the ball over like the GSOT Rams, they don't care like the GSOT Rams. They have an offensive swagger second-to-none. They have an unstoppability that, in my opinion, exceeds the 2007 Pats. They are scary good. That defense is opportunistic, much like the 1999 Rams. They can play any style of game. Quietly, they have an amazing running game. They have a shot at an undefeated season.
Playoff Projections
AFC
1.) Colts 14-2
2.) Steelers 12-4
3.) Patriots 12-4
4.) Broncos 11-5
5.) Bengals 11-5
6.) Texans 10-6
NFC
1.) Saints 14-2
2.) Vikings 12-4
3.) Eagles 12-4
4.) Cardinals 10-6
5.) Giants 11-5
6.) Packers 10-6
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