The 10 Most Ludicrous Things in The Tiger King

Like so much of humanity, I watched and was enthralled by The Tiger King. I like to think I was ahead of curve, posting a link to it in a group discord server the day it was released, and finishing the entire thing over the weekend two weekend's ago. I was an early adopter, and shouted loudly into the wind (maybe hitting the ears of a few dozen people) that it was tremendous. The number of twists and turns.

10.) Everyone referred to Jeff Lowe by his full name 'Jeff Lowe'

Let's start with a small thing that I personally found hilarious, and that is that basically everyone referred to Jeff Lowe by his full name. Every time it was just 'Jeff Lowe did this' or 'Jeff Lowe said this', while calling everyone else Jim, Mike, etc. I don't know why people felt compelled to give Jeff Lowe, easily one of the more despicable people in the doc, this honor but it cracked me up every time. I half thought maybe his name is Jeff-Lowe Jones or something, or it was Jefflowe Harris. But no, just Jeff Lowe.


9.) A person got their arm ripped off, but Joe Exotic made sure to grab his EMT jacket

Look, I don't want to put too much blame on Joe for the girl getting her arm ripped off. First, she works at a damn tiger zoo (and by choice). Second, she seemed to actually be stably liking that job and without force agreed to take the job right back. But still, it was amazing to watch Joe Exotic parade around in his own damn EMT jacket, fit with the EMT logo on the back, putting it on prior to the actual EMTs show up. I guess there is some small likelihood that Joe moonlight's as an EMT, but the more likely reason is he knows there's gonna be hella accidents in his park so he wants to look official while adding no real value in the aid of an injured employee.


8.) Joe Exotic's campaign manager didn't think anything was too wrong

There were very few instances of outsiders being unfazed by the whole deal. Take for instance the producer who agreed to help Joe with Joe TV so he could get footage for a reality show. He knew that all these people are ludicrous. But my man the campaign manager that got hired randomly while working at Walmart, my guy was down with it all. He had such a great deadpanned way of explaining his view of what is going on. The most stark / sad example of this is him starting agog with no movement for ten seconds after the younger of Joe's two husbands kills himself in front of him. No rushing over to help or calling for help or just GTFOH, but a shocked, silent face.


7.) Jeff Lowe still plans on building a new zoo

I mean who the hell is going to visit this zoo run by a complete scumbag who stole the zoo from Joe, essentially convinced Joe to go down the path that would lead to his arrest, and is financing this all with a song and a dream. Jeff Lowe was, to me, the worst character on the show (apart from maybe Carole, but we'll get to her later) and the fact that he thought he could keep all those tigers, build another damn zoo that was 'fancier' and roped in another big cat sucker to squeeze and dump him? All of it was ridiculous. The last couple episodes got progressively more depressing, largely because people like Jeff came out OK.


6.) The zoos actually seemed like decent attractions...

Look we can talk about the animals rights issues, the overall distaste of there being more tigers in captivity in teh USA than running wild in the entire world. All of it is bad, but let's not also overlook that it seemed like a lot of people actually liked visiting those zoos, be it playing with the small tiger cubs (who are adorable, to be fair) or even seeing the larger, caged-up cats. I struggle to see the real difference between these places and real zoos other than size. They seemed like decent attractions. Of course, Doc Antle may have euthanized dozens (same with Joe), and there's obviously a lot of pain surrounding these places, but at their very core I did see a whole lot of happy customers.


5.) The room the leg-less park manager was being interviewed in

Ok, here's another random thing I found increasingly funny. what the hell was that room they had the park manager, the guy with two amputated legs, giving his interview in, replete with a rhino on the wall and various furs and animal artifacts. In the beginning I took it that it was the manager's house, but later on we see after he finally left the park he lived in a trailer. So, I ask you, what was that comedically weird place they had him give his interview in? He was probably the most relatable character in the documentary (not truly sure what that says), so it was almost a relief to find out that he didn't live in that carnival house.


4.) The documentarians never calling Carole out on her shit, or also who the hell is ghost-singing for Joe

Man I so wanted at least once for the guys making the documentary to just ask Carole why she thinks she is any better than Joe (or Doc). Why her cages are any better (they aren't). Why she using free labor (volunteers, but they were full-time as hell type jobs) is better than Doc or Joe paying their employees (granted, a piddling salary). How in the hell she is 'rescuing' cats by keeping them in cages and still making money off of them. That's the dark area I wish the documentary went into slightly further. The other area wasn't quite as dark. Why did they never try to figure out who is goddamn singing in Exotic Joe's videos. The singer was quite good. It was so obvious it was not Joe signing, but the documentary just played along. It was hilarious in a way for that to just be left alone.


3.) The cuban druglord who Scarface may have been somewhat based on seemed the most normal

To me, I knew this documentary was going to be something special when they dug up Cuban Miami Kingpin Mario Tabraue as a big-cat collector who sells private tours. It was hilarious that he (a) had a max-security zoo, (b) agreed to allow the film crew in, (c) was seen just fondling little cats, (d) admitted openly to having killed many people but just playing 'the game', and finally (e) knew who Joe Exotic and/or Doc Antle was. He's litteraly a crime character, a real-life personification of the clip from Narcos Mexico when Felix Gallardo receives a tiger as a gift, but instead of one tiger he collected dozens. That was the first twist in a series of ridiculous, enthralling, twists.


2.) Doc Antle ran a harem

Like it was mentioned, and it was good they found a (relatively stable) ex-employee/haremess to interview. It was a relief she escaped and found peace. It was also just weird how this wasn't explored more. The guy is a legit polygamist (then agan, so is Joe - maybe it's a sign) who more or less traps employees looking to play with little tigers into being sex-and-work slaves, softly forces them to get implants, change their names to some ludicrous quasi-asian vibe, and more. Baghavan Doc Antle was somehow simultaneously the most normal and the most insane of our three leads, and nothing was wierder than him being a harem owner and flaunting it openly, while also being the local big-cat-farm owner.


1.) The Tiger King's music video about Carole feeding her husband to the tigers

Let's end with maybe the greatest comedic moment in 2020 television - and it will be hard for anything to touch this. First of all, the episode that explores Carole's old husband Don, who of course himself raised cats, then left his wife for a road-side blonde and ran away with her (Carole), being killed was a series highlight and cemented Carole's place as the worst character o the show. But yes, the idea that she almost certainly killed her husband and fed him to the tigers is just brilliant. More brilliant, of course, was the music video Joe Exotic created, befit with Carole look-alike feeding a meat to tigers holding a mannequin of her husband. I mean, just loop that shit for 30 minutes already. Nothing will top it, be it the voice of whoever is singing for Joe Exotic (and to be fair, those songs were catchy) or the crazy similarity between the lookalike and real Carol to just the damn idea of it all. Joe Exotic may have been a wacko but damn if he wasn't a golden creative (admittedly racist) mind.

The Quarantine Diariest

So what am I doing while we all social distance in place, stuck inside a house for days on end, aside from a once-weekly trip to the grocery store, a drive to nowhere and a few walks or runs?

Well, I'm watching a lot of movies, a lot of them that have lived in glory but have someone to date escaped my mind. There are dozens upon dozens of classic films, great films, that I've just never watched, be it laziness, lack of interest, lack of knowledge, or what. With basically no sports to watch, and fewer new shows by the day, we have to plough through the depths of film history, and that is what I've done.

**Quick aside: I also binged the entire Tiger King documentary, and holy shit will I have a lot to say about that piece of incredible work**

I thought it might be good to chronicle my exploits of watching older movies and giving a few rambling thoughts on each one.

There Will Be Blood

* I don't really understand how I hadn't seen this previously, as I loosely know the story, it came out in a year where I saw most of all the other good oscar type fare, and I am a fan of Daniel Day Lewis's work - no excuses here

* Obviously, DDL was excellent, but I have to say he was way more understated than usual. While we can all say how he escapes into the roles with method acting to the nth degree, it is always quite obvious that he is 'acting,' such as when he played Lincoln, but in this he really does just disappear.

* The kid who played Eli was excellent, making him so hateable right off the bat despite all his actual good characteristics. It was great casting and a great performance as it allows us to root for Daniel despite him being pretty openly a terrible person

* It took me a long time to realize that the setting was in California - I think the 'Little Boston' name confused me - which was an odd setting, though I understand t was true to fact, somewhat wrapped up in the gold rush

* Overall, I give it a nice 7/10, the performances and realism was great, but it was all a bit drab and boring


The Talented Mr. Ripley

* What an insane cast, all in their youth. Philipp Seymour Hoffman was so brilliant as the petulatnt, loatshome douche-bro. Paltrow was charming. Blanchette played that role perfectly, with a distinct air of luxury. Damon was awesome, being able to switch from charming to sociopathic in moments notice.

* That all said, Jude Law fucking owned that movie as Dickie Greenleef. So beautiful, so airy, so charming, so affable. It was almost a weird precurser to his role as Lenny as The Young Pope, but in while that he was both gorgeous and smarmy and sharp, here he was just captivating. That role would ave been nigh impossible if it was anyone else or if the performance was even 5% worse.

* The story itself was interesting, but like a lot of movies I found myself having far less interest in the second half - basically after Tom kills Freddie. It was interesting when Marge saw through his ruse, but Mr. Greenleaf not doing so was just strange

* Man did it make living like a playboy in Italy on Daddy's dime look incredible - which of course it probably is. That was a masterful showcase for how fun it might just be to be filthy rich.


Magnolia

* I went down something of a PTA rabbit hole after watching There Will Be Blood, and while Boogie Nights is still on the list, I decided to chop off the most aimless but interesting epic movie I've seen. I still don't entirely know what it was about or what message it was trying to get across, but man was it captivating

* The plot was so incredible wistful, just flowing in and out, back and forth, it was defintiely hard to keep track of everyone, but as it started to come together, and you realized this was the tale of two old men laying out everything before they die, and the people it impacts, it became beautifully back together

* Seymour Hoffman was great in this as well, but to me the real stars was the woman who played Rose, Tom Cruise and Philip Baker Hall, but in reality everyone was well cast, from the old wives, to William H. Macy as an ex-child star, to John C. Reilly as the cop, way before he would become famous in anything else

* After loving shows like The Wire, or even Babylon Berlin, I can confidently say in my movies also I love story over plot. The plot of Magnolia was fairly staid, but the tone, the world it created, the wrapping of storylines was so beautiful


Next Up:
- Mystic River
- Boogie Nights
- Road to Perdition

Brady and The Great QB Carousel

I woke up to the news Tom Brady was leaving the New England Patriots. Even as we entered the offseason and a lot of signs pointed to this, it was still a surreal moment. Being a true Patriots and Brady hater, an unabashed one, in some ways this was exciting news. Partially because this officially spells the end of the Brady-Belichick era and Patriots dynasty. The Patriots may well be good under Jared Stidham or Andy Dalton or someone else. Brady may take to Tampa and do well. But they won't do well together. Of course, I also have the dream neither does well apart.

The landscape of the NFL changed, formally turning the era from the Patriots reign (2000-2019), an incredible 20 year run that will never come close to being duplicated, and only one other run in the past can even compare (1981-1999 49ers). The league is in a new era, and the QB market shifts are all part of that.

Outside of Brady actually leaving, we have Philip Rivers, a player who once taunted Colts fans swaggeringly as his Chargers beat them in back-to-back playoff meetings, coming to Indianapolis. Obviously the social gravity of this moves pales in comparison, but if anything has more interesting on the field practicalities, as the Colts are gearing up for a Super Bowl run, placing bets on a 38-year old player who had played his whole career in one place.

Aside from that, we have the inevitable move of Cam Newton away from Carolina, with Teddy Bridgewater getting his chance as a clear #1 for the first time since he left Minnesota. We have whatever happens with Dalton, whatever happens with Jameis. I don't know the last time we've had so much QB movement. 

Weirdly none of it feels as the start of something new, just the end of something old - be it Rivers and Brady playing out their golden years somewhere else, or Cam trying to make it back. But that is because we already have the something new - with Mahomes and Lamar, Deshaun (though really, BOB?) and Kyler, Russell and Jimmy G. This is a new NFL, with the divorce of Brady and BB know we just know for certain.

As for Brady, the most shocking thing was picking Tampa. Maybe it makes sense when you give it a lot of thought - there are weapons, a coach he seems to like, sunny weather, no state income tax, and of course a team that will probably pay him a lot. But it will be so jarring watching him in that uniform - even if they're moving on from teh truly garish digs they've had the last five seasons and back to something close to what they wore when they won the Super Bowl. When Peyton left Indy he went to Denver, one of the league's storied franchises - one that had gone to six Super Bowls, and he would take them to two more. Brady is joining arguably the worst franchise in the league since its inception, with only Detroit and Cleveland coming close.

It will also be weird to see Rivers in the horseshoe - though in his case I grew a begrudging respect for him. It will be weird watching Cam in something other than Panthers colors. Time changes, life changes, but it is surprising to see so much if it change all at once. It has been nine years since we had to accept one of the most incredible QB moves ever: Peyton Freaking Manning leaving Indianapolis. Given Brady's age and the long list of people who have departed New England, I personally don't think this is more surprising than Peyton (certainly not when you layer on Peyton's injuries) but no less jarring/

The 2010-2019 NFL was defined by the Patriots, and that is ending. We are in a Cheifs/Ravens/49ers world with other great teams to layer on top of that. The league grew rapidly, in large part because they had Manning v. Brady as its headline for a good twelve years - years of almost continuous sustained growth. After Peyton retired, ratings began to struggle (2016-17 being the low point), and finally started to rebound these last two. The league now lost the other half of that tandem, but the ratings should only go higher. The league is ready for a post-Brady & Belichick world, so I'm glad we are going to get at least a year of actually seeing what that looks like.

A World Without Sports

This was inevitable, basically since the reports of coronavirus started trickling out blip by blip around the New Year. It was already a thing in January, with people getting put into quarantine when arriving from China. Slowly it became a thing here to, and now we are left in a world of smart panic. We went from talking about maybe playing games in front of empty arenas, to cancelling basically every ongoing sport in 48 hours. In my own life, I went from flying from Newark to Raleigh to Toronto all in four days, to being grounded for the forseeable future, staring a month of working from the suburbs right in the face.

There are serious aspects to this crisis, from the deaths to the economic fallout, but for this I want to focus on the darkness that is infecting the sports world. We are starting a month, at least, with no sports. No March madness, no conclusion (most likely) of the NBA or NHL season. The suspension of all the domestic soccer leagues, the Champions League, the ATP Tour, the PGA Tour, potentially UEFA Euro 2020. The thing that fills every night globally, and every sports bar or water cooler, has been vaporized.

Sports has ruled my life in good and bad. I won't say I've wasted it, but I'm about to quickly realize just how much value sports was to my life, be it watching it, discussing it, reading about it, listening to people discussing it. That all ends, and I can't fill the missing time with traveling or escaping into corners of the world, just corners of my house.

Maybe I'll read, go through all those books I neglected, be it when I was in high school, or after I bought one because it looked pretty but proceeded to let it gather dust. Maybe I'll continue to learn how to cook, to broaden my skills in my mother's kitchen - of course contingent on being able to buy produce from grocery stores that are increasingly hounded by real-life re-enactments of ......

Maybe I'll go for runs around our neighborhood - assuming I am allowed to do so. Maybe I'll turn to gardening. In a weird way, there are possibilities here, there is a world that I neglected to focus on sports and all its trappings. Again, I don't regret this decision, as the joy of watching the Colts beat the Patriots in Jan, 2007, or the Astros winning the pennant in 2005 (I'll leave out some more recent Astros highlights). Those were amazing moments that have provided value in my life, but now I'm left to find value in other ways.

The world will survive Coronavirus because we always get past these things. Maybe it takes 18-24 months to fully recover, for the markets to correct back upwards, for people to travel at the same rate. Maybe it takes six weeks before I'm allowed to travel again, before the leagues even hint at what their go forward plan is.

But for that six week period, I'm going to attack it with a joy and verve that I think will lead to some interesting results. I'm interested to report back as well, living in a closed world still with limitless opportunities, just more close to home and archaic than normal.

The New Pope

The Young Pope was one of the best shows I've ever watched on television. It did a few things better than any show I've ever seen - namely its hi-light photography, its incredible music, and that insanely magnetic Jude Law performance. The show got a cult following in 2017, with most that got invested in it feeling it to be among the best, if not the outright best, show to air in 2017.

Almost immediately following that season, creator Paolo Sorrentino - most known as an Italian auteur - announced his plans to have the show return, rebranded as 'The New Pope'. About a year later, it was announced that John Malkovich would be the titular 'New Pope', but still feature Jude Law in a role. Little was released about the show, namely a release date, until it was hidden in a HBO bravado promo (the one's they do every six months or show showing clips of their hits to come in a way no other network can). The excitement was generated immediately and I counted down the days until it aired.

Now that the show finished its US HBO run (it finished on Canal+ a few weeks back), I can confidently say that while the show was not The Young Pope good, it came together brilliantly and was a great follow-up, diving deeper, more sadistic, more introspective and more nuanced. Removing Lenny from the mix for most of the season unlocked so much calm, dour brilliance.

Malkovich was brilliant, but what really made the season sing was how it placed even more prominence on Voiello, the sneaky star role player of Season 1, who became basically the co-lead, more pitiable but more beautiful than he was in teh first season. In the first season, he was seen as the anchor tying Lenny down, but in reality was the man who was trying to move the church forward. In this season, he became the true mastermind of all things Vatican, playing the popes like fiddles.

The charactor of John Brannox (Malkovich) was so well written and smart. He was never going to match the verve and pompousness of Lenny, but instaed was weirder, more vexing and more insightful. His scenes more pulsatingly slow and beautiful as ever. Yes, we didn't have the smarm of Lenny fencing with various world leaders and vatican paeans, but watching Malkovich, in that most Malkovich of accents, ploy around was fascinating.

That all said, man did the show explode the second Jude Law woke up. His lingering presence was so well played for most of the season, showing up as a living ghost and then a few finger trembles. But when he woke up, and that familiar version of 'All Along the Watchtower' started playing, you instantly remembered what was so fabulous about the show in the first place.

Law was brilliant in all three of his episodes, first when largely on the sidelines in one of the most stunningly shot episodes of TV outside of Breaking Bad's best work (and even then it probably gives it a run for Breaking Bad's money). It all started clicking though in the penultimate episode, when Lenny meets Voiello, scheming on the same side for once. The small smile that cuts on Law's face, along with the familiar EDM sounds of Recondite's 'Levo', was eveything I could have asked for from The New Pope.

The finale was dour but also ceremonial. Yes, it leaves us without Lenny again - and probably confirms the show is not coming back unless they want to dive head-first into Lenny being Jesus - but it did so much. Gave us another fantastic set piece of Lenny preaching to teh Cardinals in full regalia. It gave us a few great interactions between Lenny and John, and of course the Law speeches. The moment Esther takes off her terrorist mask and reveals herself also hit the spot, making up for the only slow, off plotline of the season.

The New Pope will likely not be my favorite show of the year, but I am so glad it was made, so glad we got to enter into this stilted, dreamy, flighty, serious world one more time. If only for the theme song, if only to see Law dressed as cartoonishly as possible, if only for John Malkovich to yell 'No' time and time again, if only for the image of the crippled boy Lenny prayed for being liberated and floating into heaven (truly an awe-inspiring shot). It was all beautiful. Not best, to be sure, but beautiful nonetheless.